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Old 02-04-2015, 01:38 AM   #1
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Default Heartbreak & Weight Loss

Hello. I am wanting to share what I am currently going through, and welcome any thoughts or feedback.
My husband and I have been together for about six years now, and married for two. We have had our ups and downs, but one thing we've never had a problem with was our sex life. Having always been a fat girl, I didn't have the best self-esteem. Then my husband came along and made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman in the world. He was always building me up and helping me to realize that I am beautiful as a bog woman. He had a hard time keeping his hands off me. Now things are different, and I am not sure how to handle it. My husband really loves the idea of women gaining weight, it really turns him on. And I have gained weight since we first met. I never believed it was done purposely, but maybe on some level it was. I was about 250lbs when we met, and he was really hot for me. I gained some weight, had a baby, gained some more weight, and at my heaviest was 310lbs. My husband still could not keep his hands off me, and continued to be encouraging and affectionate. In November, I went to the doctors and found out I have type 2 Diabetes. I have a four year old son. It came time for me to focus on my health, and in doing so I am losing weight. I am now down to about 260lbs, still heavier than when we met. I notice my husband pulling away. He is no longer interested in sex, and he very seldom complements me anymore. I have recently confronted him about this, and he admitted to me that the thought of me losing weight is a complete turn off to him. So much so that he is unable to have sex with me (at least very very far and few between). He has also admitted that when he touches me, mainly my belly, it makes him sad because he knows I'm losing weight. He says he understand that I have to be healthy for myself and our son. But he cannot get over the fact that the concept of my losing weight completely turns him off. This has gotten so bad, that he doesn't know if our marriage can last because of this. I am completely hurt and angry about this. He now just watches porn all the time, and has even called a phone sex line a couple times (albeit while drunk). I understand that he can not help what he is attracted to, but at the same time I am his wife, and our physical appearance should not be what is most important. To end our marriage over my weight loss, in an effort to be healthier, is insane to me. I am still larger than when we met. I am still a big woman, and probably always will be, but he still cannot seem to get passed it. I am beside myself. I feel like he is putting so much emphasis on my body and physical appearance. He is my husband and should love me for who I am, and want to be with me because of the love and feelings we share. We do start marriage counseling at the end of the month, and I'm hoping it will be helpful. But to hear him talk, there is no way he can see him being okay with me losing weight. I am at a loss. I am hurt and I feel betrayed almost. He is the man who promised to love me no matter what. He is the one who should always build me up and make me feel beautiful, and he is unable to do that anymore. At the same time part of me feels guilty for not being able to give my husband what he needs. I shouldn't have to feel guilty for trying to be healthier. There are serious risks to my health, with having diabetes, if I do not change my lifestyle. And my son needs me to be healthy. I am not losing weight for the sake of losing weight. I am making the changes I need to make, healthier diet and exercise, and the side affect of that is weight loss. And with that I am turning my husband off, and putting our marriage in jeopardy. I know I have rambled on, and to anyone who reads this and responds, I am so appreciative. I really am just at a loss with the situation.
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Old 02-04-2015, 02:10 AM   #2
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I hope your marriage counselor is a good one, and can also recommend a very competent psychologist for your jerk of a husband.
It's hard enough to try to beat your medical condition by diet and exercise, without having to deal with a selfish immature man who doesn't know the real meaning of love.
It's like a man who marries a thin girl for her figure, and then when she has kids and doesn't make staying skinny a priority any more, he gets all impotent.
All I can say is, I hear your pain and I wish you luck on your weight program and your marriage. Please put yourself before a man who withholds affection as punishment. He'll only bring you down.
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Old 02-11-2015, 01:08 AM   #3
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I'm very sorry for what you are going through, BeautifulBigD.

I actually briefly went through a... 'lesser version' of what you've described. I was losing weight by dieting at the time, mainly because of pressure from family... And my fella is also into weight gain.

I would be excited about losing 5 pounds or whatever because it was really, really hard for me as someone who can hardly resist eating at all, and who loves to do so... But if I mentioned anything about that, the loss, or how far I'd walked that day, or how many weeks til I hit my goal at that pace... etc. He got really grouchy and snappy.

I eventually basically yelled at him about it, which... I think in the 12 years we've known each other I've only yelled at him maybe three or four times... And he came around and said he was sorry, and he knew he should be supportive even if he wasn't happy about the changes it made to my body, and he would work to get past it.

You need to expect those kinds of things from your husband when you two make it to marriage counseling. Maybe not right away, of course, it's emotional for him too... But that really should be the end result. Even if it makes him sad for a while, even if you have to extend your patience over it while he tries to get past it.. He also should be able to realize you are the woman he had a child with, and the woman who made his house with him, and the woman responsible enough to lose weight for her health even knowing her husband won't be happy about it.

It's not like this is for you alone... This is for your family. And especially if you don't think you'll ever stop being big, the guy should be able to at least realize that while it is his preference for you to gain weight... You're losing weight for your health, your son, your family... And that includes him.


Now, if things don't go well... Emotions can make it very hard to remember where priorities should be (though I doubt that will be the case for you since you have a son to consider). Remind yourself that you are trying to make things work the healthy way.


And either way, I wanna say this makes you beautiful in my eyes... For the reason I bolded above. That takes strength in a way that really is under-appreciated in my opinion.

Good luck.
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Old 02-11-2015, 08:30 AM   #4
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I agree with the posters above: to paraphrase John Wayne, a gal's gotta do what a gal's gotta do. And this is even more so when the gal has a child depending on her. You're absolutely doing the right thing. But I also feel some sympathy for your husband, because I've been in that situation. My ex-wife was a BBW who developed gallstones and went through some painful surgery. She believed her weight contributed to the difficulty and resolved to to lose half her weight. I loved her and supported her, but I also found her less attractive, and I am sure she picked up on that, even though I said nothing about it. The thing is, there's love and there's sex. Love is learned, it's part of your thought processes, and you go on loving someone despite changing circumstances. But sex appeal is something that grabs you by the central nervous system and gives you no chance to resist. There is an entire thread around here somewhere called "hard-wired from birth", and that phrase really says it all. If your husband complains about what you're doing he's a louse, but even if he tries to support you he's liable to be less attentive just because his brain isn't sending him sexy messages. As I said, I've been there: I tried to hold our marriage together, but it didn't work: we tried marriage counseling, my ex demanded a trial separation, and by that time the atmosphere was so tense that the separation felt like a vacation. And that was it. You're a strong, intelligent woman, and I hope this turns out to be just a bump in an otherwise smooth road to happiness.
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Old 02-11-2015, 10:11 AM   #5
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I agree with the posters above: to paraphrase John Wayne, a gal's gotta do what a gal's gotta do. And this is even more so when the gal has a child depending on her. You're absolutely doing the right thing. But I also feel some sympathy for your husband, because I've been in that situation. My ex-wife was a BBW who developed gallstones and went through some painful surgery. She believed her weight contributed to the difficulty and resolved to to lose half her weight. I loved her and supported her, but I also found her less attractive, and I am sure she picked up on that, even though I said nothing about it. The thing is, there's love and there's sex. Love is learned, it's part of your thought processes, and you go on loving someone despite changing circumstances. But sex appeal is something that grabs you by the central nervous system and gives you no chance to resist. There is an entire thread around here somewhere called "hard-wired from birth", and that phrase really says it all. If your husband complains about what you're doing he's a louse, but even if he tries to support you he's liable to be less attentive just because his brain isn't sending him sexy messages. As I said, I've been there: I tried to hold our marriage together, but it didn't work: we tried marriage counseling, my ex demanded a trial separation, and by that time the atmosphere was so tense that the separation felt like a vacation. And that was it. You're a strong, intelligent woman, and I hope this turns out to be just a bump in an otherwise smooth road to happiness.
If you feel totally hard-wired for satisfying sex having to include big handfuls of a fat woman, then I can surely understand why feeling them fade away would be sad for you.
It was very admirable of you to go to counseling, even though it didn't keep the marriage together. I hope you've found your dream girl.
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Old 02-12-2015, 02:47 AM   #6
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I've been considering posting on this topic for a while, because I can see both sides of it.

You are definitely doing the right thing in losing weight for your health and your son. And you are right to expect support and understanding in your goal.

However, your husband's physical preferences aren't something he can change. And it can be so difficult to be supportive. I had a lot of trouble with it when my ex started losing weight because whilst I agreed in principal and tried to be outwardly supportive, every inch of my body was shouting 'ahhh, noooooo, do not want!'.

That said, if your marriage is so dependent on sexual and physical relations then I think you probably have issues that are running deeper than just your weight loss. Sorry if I seem out of line here. But sex shouldn't be something that keeps a marriage together.
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Old 02-12-2015, 03:46 PM   #7
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Funny how society condemns the FA if he looses his sexual appetite when his SO drops weight but if a man's preference is a woman of "socially acceptable weight" and his SO gains weight he is totally justified in dumping the cow (just a word to exemplify society's attitude).
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Old 02-13-2015, 02:00 AM   #8
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As a guy coming into a similar situation, where my partner needed or even just wanted to lose weight, I have chosen and will continue to choose to be supportive. Because it's her life. Because it's her body. Because it's her happiness. Because seeing her happy makes me happy. Because confidence truly is one of the sexiest things another person can possess. Because I made that choice for myself when my partner liked me being big and I have never been happier even though she is long in my past.

If you want it, if you need it, do it. I understand the excitement of the gradual growth of a woman's body because that's life sometimes. I understand the excitement when it is intentional. I also understand that if physical attraction is the sole reason I love and am with someone, I need some serious help and I have no right to be in a relationship.

My significant other is on a journey to finding her own happiness right now. Part of that journey has been and will continue include losing weight. But I love her and my attraction to her body is only one small facet of that love.

Love yourself first.
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Old 02-20-2015, 06:52 AM   #9
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Thank you all for your feedback. I really do appreciate hearing everyone's thoughts on the matter. My husband and I have had our first marriage counseling session, and we both agreed to stick with it and that this is a step in the right direction. We have a lot of work to do, but it seems like we are both committed to this marriage, our family, and each other.
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Old 02-20-2015, 09:27 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by BeautifulBigD View Post
Thank you all for your feedback. I really do appreciate hearing everyone's thoughts on the matter. My husband and I have had our first marriage counseling session, and we both agreed to stick with it and that this is a step in the right direction. We have a lot of work to do, but it seems like we are both committed to this marriage, our family, and each other.
Good...lots of hard work and adjustments ahead, but that commitment to making it work is so key. Commitment to making it work isn’t enough on its own, but without it I don’t know that anything is else is enough—so congrats and good luck!
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Old 02-21-2015, 04:27 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by BeautifulBigD View Post
Thank you all for your feedback. I really do appreciate hearing everyone's thoughts on the matter. My husband and I have had our first marriage counseling session, and we both agreed to stick with it and that this is a step in the right direction. We have a lot of work to do, but it seems like we are both committed to this marriage, our family, and each other.
I'm so glad it turned out that way! I kinda figured/hoped it would, but always nice to know for sure. It really isn't easy on either side of this particular coin... But love isn't always easy either.

Good luck!
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Old 02-22-2015, 06:11 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by phelan4022 View Post
As a guy coming into a similar situation, where my partner needed or even just wanted to lose weight, I have chosen and will continue to choose to be supportive. Because it's her life. Because it's her body. Because it's her happiness. Because seeing her happy makes me happy. Because confidence truly is one of the sexiest things another person can possess. Because I made that choice for myself when my partner liked me being big and I have never been happier even though she is long in my past.

If you want it, if you need it, do it. I understand the excitement of the gradual growth of a woman's body because that's life sometimes. I understand the excitement when it is intentional. I also understand that if physical attraction is the sole reason I love and am with someone, I need some serious help and I have no right to be in a relationship.

My significant other is on a journey to finding her own happiness right now. Part of that journey has been and will continue include losing weight. But I love her and my attraction to her body is only one small facet of that love.

Love yourself first.
There need to be more people in relationships with this opinion. I think that phelan4022 wrapped up what needed to be said quite nicely.
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Old 11-03-2015, 06:28 PM   #13
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Good luck with your therapy sessions. It is interesting that your husband found you totally sexy at 250 and yet now is rejecting you at 260.
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Old 12-03-2015, 07:46 AM   #14
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I went through something similar to this, but there were a lot of other things that led to the end of our marriage - namely, betrayal stacked on top of lies on top of more betrayal. If you're going to make it work, then make sure that communication stays steady and honest; it has to be that way on both sides, and both people have to remain dedicated to it. I'm glad to hear that things are working so far, and I hope that you're one of the lucky couples who are able to emerge stronger and closer for the experience.

Stay true to yourself and what you need to do for you. Congratulations on having done that so far!
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Old 12-05-2015, 03:30 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by mp7251 View Post
Funny how society condemns the FA if he looses his sexual appetite when his SO drops weight but if a man's preference is a woman of "socially acceptable weight" and his SO gains weight he is totally justified in dumping the cow (just a word to exemplify society's attitude).
I dont know what society you live in, but that behavior isnt justified.
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Old 08-27-2016, 01:22 PM   #16
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I realize this is a fairly old post, but I wanted to reply anyways. About a year and a half ago, my wife decided to lose some weight. At first I was fine with it, but as the weight kept coming off, I noticed myself becoming less attracted to her. And I felt like complete garbage for feeling that way. It wasn't something I could control. It just started happening. I felt like a horrible husband. I knew that I needed to love my wife no matter what and I should be supportive of her. I was actually starting to notice some symptoms of depression. I even went to a counselor to try to get some help, but he understandably didn't get where I was coming from. What he got out of it was that I didn't want her to lose weight because I was afraid that men would find her more sexy. That wasn't the case.

I eventually did tell my wife how I was feeling, but all I said was that I didn't want her to lose her curves. I didn't tell her that I was finding her less sexy. I tried really hard to make it look like I thought she was still as sexy.

I'm not sure what your situation is now, but maybe your husband was dealing with some of the same issues. I know it's not justified, but maybe it was somewhat out of his control. I hope you have found happiness.
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