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Old 11-15-2015, 09:24 PM   #1
joh
 
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Default How to cope with SO's weight loss (to be)?

My significant other decided recently that she would like to slim down from 260 lbs to ~175. My feelings on this topic are obviously negative; I'm sad knowing that I will find her less physically attractive, but I'm terrified that my sexual interest will dwindle to the point that sex itself becomes unappealing.

A further complication is that she knows I'm worried (though I'm not sure to what extent). She has always known that I prefer bigger women and so she recently voiced that she is nervous that I will find her less attractive. I hadn't attended on voicing my feelings as I don't believe I have any right to dictate what she does with her body, but I also was not willing to lie to her, so I expressed my anxiety once the topic had been brought up. Understandably, she is now very upset and both of us just don't know what to do. I have reassured her repeatedly that my attraction to her is more multi-faceted than something as simple as a desire for the fat that rests on her body and if she were to lose weight my love would still be unwavering; it would still be as strong ever! However, still, neither of us can shake our feelings (for me, sadness and anxiety, for her, frustration and sadness that my ideal does not match her ideal).

So I come here asking:

(a) How do I cope with my own feelings? I don't think I will lose all physical attraction for her if she were to drop to ~175, but it is certainly in the realm of possibilities and that worry paired with the knowledge that things will change and the attraction level will tangibly drop is hard to shake.

(b) How do I get help her be okay with the fact that if she loses weight, my attraction will be lesser, but things will still be okay. I am not worried about our relationship because there is so many other parts to us being us that I love, but this is unexplored terrain to her and I don't think she knows how to react either.

I should add, she recently moved across country to be closer to her family, so for the time being our relationship is long-distance, and that alone poses other challenges that we are still figuring out. That said, it still amplifies the current predicament.

Thanks for any and all help and thanks for letting me "release" a bit.
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Old 11-18-2015, 05:19 PM   #2
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IMO, if you are in anything less than marriage in this relationship, I would say it is time to call it a day. Proximity is a major factor in many (notice I didn't say all) relationships. The fact that you are on here expressing these feelings in such a way is indicative of your wanting to call it quits. Life is too short, and do a favor to the both of you. Let her go.
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Old 11-19-2015, 04:45 PM   #3
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Tip number one don't tell her she will be less appealing thats a huge mistake trust me.
Personally you are being very selfish IMO.
You are supposed to love her no matter what her weight is.
If you love her for who she is then weight wouldn't matter.
What if you were in an accident and got 5 inches lopped of your penis and she left you because you didn't have a big enough penis?
If she truly loved you she would stay because the size wouldn't matter.
If she left because of that how would you feel?
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Old 11-25-2015, 02:58 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tracii View Post
Tip number one don't tell her she will be less appealing thats a huge mistake trust me.
Personally you are being very selfish IMO.
You are supposed to love her no matter what her weight is.
If you love her for who she is then weight wouldn't matter.
What if you were in an accident and got 5 inches lopped of your penis and she left you because you didn't have a big enough penis?
If she truly loved you she would stay because the size wouldn't matter.
If she left because of that how would you feel?

Yeah, but I think a tragic penis destroying accident is different than him choosing to have his penis shortened. A choice is much different than an accident, right?
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Old 11-28-2015, 01:11 AM   #5
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I just typed up a really long, thought out reply that the message board ate when it logged me out. In my excessive frustration, I'll make this really brief.

I recently went through the same scenario with my fiance, including the temporary long distance part. He's not nearly as big as me but he has an adorable round belly that I love, though a few months ago out of the blue he was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Lifestyle change was inevitable, and it was hard to deal with for both of us. I've never been attracted to thin men, and the thought of him losing his beautiful body shape was devastating. I cried a lot. They are selfish thoughts, but you can't deny your sexuality. You also can't deny the bonds of your relationship that go deeper than that. It's a tough spot to be in.

Ultimately we decided health was the most important thing, though he wants to keep his belly around for me if he can because he knows how much I love it. Once the big move happens next month we will be exercising, strength training to build muscle, and eating more home cooked meals with more meat and veggies, and less sugar.

Why does your SO want to lose to that specific weight? Is there some way you can find a compromise that makes you both happy?

Being up front and honest about your true feelings is important, even if it makes the road a little rocky. Focus on what's most important to you both. Ultimately each individual decides what to do with their body, but you can be supportive and honest at the same time.
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Old 12-04-2015, 04:56 PM   #6
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Fortunately my wife has gained about 100 lbs over 20 years, and shows no serious inclination to lose weight, so I have no direct experience with this except for a couple of brief and temporary periods in which she did diet. In these periods my sex drive would drop off some, no getting around it; but being in a committed relationship, I'd persevere (really, you just have to use your imagination more!). But what I want to stress here is that it's really, really hard to lose a lot of weight and then to keep it off - I forget the exact stats, but something like 90% of dieters gain the weight back and then some. And the longer someone has been obese, the harder it will be to reverse it. So my advice to you is to consider riding it out, knowing that the odds are hugely in favor of her re-gaining weight once she's lost it (if she ever does manage to). Heck, then you can have the fun of watching her slowly gain! Too many FAs panic when their GF talks about losing wright IMHO.
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Old 12-10-2015, 12:46 AM   #7
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First of all, you don't have to just give up nor are you a bad person for being afraid. It takes a lot of courage to own up to your sexuality as well as to be honest. I'm going to answer your questions directly.

1. How do you cope with your own feelings? You cannot be rid of fear, it's part of being human. However, you can choose to react out of fear or act out of love. You need to get deep down into yourself and ask if love or a heightened sense of sexual arousal is more important. This one is obvious, if you really love her, you'll support her, especially if it equals an increase in her happiness. You'll never be able to live with yourself if you're attracted to something she doesn't like and you can't rely on her changing her views to fix that. Also, no matter what type of body you're attracted to, confidence is always more attractive than self-loathing. Do the math, what is going to make you truly happier, a 160 lb happy and confident woman or a 250lb woman that can't stand the skin she's in? I don't think I got those numbers quite right but the point is, the numbers don't matter, it's the person that matters. Trust yourself a little too, I think you'll find that, even if she loses weight, you'll still be crazy about her curves.

2. You can't convince her of anything. Only time and diligence and support will convince her. Love is a verb, friend, its what you do.

Good luck, trust your heart.
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Old 02-02-2016, 07:30 AM   #8
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How is it going, Joh?
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Old 02-11-2016, 06:42 PM   #9
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More than 2 decades ago, I had a relationship end with an ssbbw who was hellbent on WLS regardless of risks. Going to see 'Waiting to Exhale' with another female (friend) was the straw that broke the camel's back in her opinion; though to me she started distancing herself even as I hinted to walking more and building strength tone etc as she didn't want to hear anything else.
Honestly speaking, if you spend more time here having friendly chats as opposed to your other 1/2, set her free. Knowing some people suffer from 'Ugly Duckling Syndrome' to where they feel unatrractive until a major physical change and afterwards "you're" the problem. "You" were the one they settled for, as now they can go for their true 1st choice.
If you look in her eyes and still feel yourself longing for her 'fatter' self or unable to get the image from a wobbling ssbbw from across the street while walking alongside, looking directly at her; set her free.
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