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Old 02-16-2016, 04:38 AM   #1
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Default Do closeted FAs sometimes distance themselves greatly so they don't...get attached?

The person I loved (always will) more than any other is a Canadian man of 52.

He would contact me maybe 3 times per year wanting mainly sex (he's not married and lives in my city).

He jiggled my large belly at least once and also talked about tying me up and feeding me dinner but only mentoned it one time.

When we met up, he wanted me to walk towards and away from him completely nude. I still wonder to this day if he's a secret FA but doesn't know it or won't admit it.

I checked out the profiles of one former and another current pal, and they made fatphobic comments, so I ask myself if he's afraid to leave the fat closet because he is insecure, and needs their approval or something. I guess this is also a rant of sorts.

I loved -- and will always love -- that man with a passion I never felt before we met.

I realize he was probably seeing other women and used me as an option when nothing else was there but I also can't help but wonder if he was distancing himself too so he didn't get hooked and have a fat girlfriend to introduce.

The last time I saw him was in November of 2014. I hadn't seen him for months prior to then and he barley made it in the door before he had his hands all over me and started kissing me.

Then the cycle would repeat, with him pulling a Houdini for God knows how long until he contacted me again (he's on Facebook often, so I know he's OK). He would apologize for not keeping in contact, citing his being "busy" as an excuse.

This time, things are different because I met someone else, and am trying to learn to love another man.
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Old 02-16-2016, 08:11 AM   #2
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I think you are wise to tell yourself to move on.

In answer to your question the guy may be a closet FA or he may just have a fetish. There is a difference. A closet FA is genuinely attracted to fat women but reluctant to outwardly show it. This was me for many years. On another thread you asked me how I could date thin women when I like fat ones. I explained I was hoping to "cure" myself because deep down inside I knew I'd some day end up with a fat wife and that idea terrified me. Rather than "cure" myself I finally grew up. Thankfully instead of changing myself I accepted my preferences and now I have an awesome wife as a result!

Now someone with a fetish isn't necessarily attracted to fat women so much as likes the idea of having sex with one from time to time. He never will plan on being in a committed relationship with a fat woman and perhaps keeps his fetish to himself. He may not need his "fix" very often, but often enough.

You should consider that possibility regarding this guy. Or better still, learn to move on from him.

Best wishes to you.
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Old 02-16-2016, 10:34 AM   #3
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It seems like he's hurting you but you are so in love with him that you are searching for any excuse to pardon him so you can pardon yourself for continuing to love him.

It's hard to say what his motives are based on the limited information that you have. It may be that he's managed the remarkable feat of staying in the closet for 52 years. It could be that he's just an asshole. I think the bottom line is that you know he hasn't treated you the way that you'd like and ultimately you need to decide if you want to be on the losing end of a one-sided relationship.

It's easy for me to armchair quarterback an internet stranger's love life when my feelings aren't on the line. So, I'm sorry if I'm oversimplifying things but I agree with Happily Married; moving on is the right move.
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Old 02-17-2016, 04:28 AM   #4
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I think you have previously posted a question relating to this guy. Sorry that this probably sound blunt. Regardless if he is an FA or not, he sound like he is only using you for sex. He maybe an FA, but it sounds like he doesn't care about you. You said he was making fatphobic comments, that does not sound promising, even if he is lying to himself. Those months that he goes without seeing you are not so he doesn't get hooked. He is probably seeing other people during that time. In your other thread, I was under this impression, but didn't want to say anything. But that was months ago, and you sound like you are hooked on him.
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Old 02-17-2016, 04:42 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by fuelingfire View Post
I think you have previously posted a question relating to this guy. Sorry that this probably sound blunt. Regardless if he is an FA or not, he sound like he is only using you for sex. He maybe an FA, but it sounds like he doesn't care about you. You said he was making fatphobic comments, that does not sound promising, even if he is lying to himself. Those months that he goes without seeing you are not so he doesn't get hooked. He is probably seeing other people during that time. In your other thread, I was under this impression, but didn't want to say anything. But that was months ago, and you sound like you are hooked on him.
He has not made any fatphobic comments of which I'm aware -- it's his friends who have. One female friend posted an article about an airline considering weighing passengers and their luggage, and said, "Good!"

I realize I was likely an "on the back burner" option. I met someone else because, if I continued to wait around hoping he'd change his mind, I'd be wasting even more time. I will always love him, however -- I cannot help it. He gave me hope when he said he missed me and a certain song made him wanna hug and kiss me.
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Old 02-17-2016, 04:43 PM   #6
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I think you are wise to tell yourself to move on.

In answer to your question the guy may be a closet FA or he may just have a fetish. There is a difference. A closet FA is genuinely attracted to fat women but reluctant to outwardly show it. This was me for many years. On another thread you asked me how I could date thin women when I like fat ones. I explained I was hoping to "cure" myself because deep down inside I knew I'd some day end up with a fat wife and that idea terrified me. Rather than "cure" myself I finally grew up. Thankfully instead of changing myself I accepted my preferences and now I have an awesome wife as a result!

Now someone with a fetish isn't necessarily attracted to fat women so much as likes the idea of having sex with one from time to time. He never will plan on being in a committed relationship with a fat woman and perhaps keeps his fetish to himself. He may not need his "fix" very often, but often enough.

You should consider that possibility regarding this guy. Or better still, learn to move on from him.

Best wishes to you.
You are sweet. Thank you.
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Old 02-17-2016, 10:30 PM   #7
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FAs are overrated. Try regular guys. The relationships are tangible and less weird.
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Old 02-18-2016, 04:56 AM   #8
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FAs are overrated. Try regular guys. The relationships are tangible and less weird.
Haha! FAs ARE normal guys! Normal guys who like normal girls who just happen to weigh more than other normal girls! At least that's how I see myself. I'm sure it describes a lot of other FAs as well.
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Old 02-18-2016, 07:52 AM   #9
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Can't rep you again, damnit.
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Old 02-18-2016, 03:22 PM   #10
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Haha! FAs ARE normal guys! Normal guys who like normal girls who just happen to weigh more than other normal girls! At least that's how I see myself. I'm sure it describes a lot of other FAs as well.
FAs are fetishists. Men are "normal" guys with preferences (hey they may like big girls, cool. If not, cool, too). I've been apart of the fat world for almost 10 years, now, and have experienced both. lol
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Old 02-18-2016, 05:20 PM   #11
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FAs are fetishists. Men are "normal" guys with preferences (hey they may like big girls, cool. If not, cool, too). I've been apart of the fat world for almost 10 years, now, and have experienced both. lol
And right wrong or indifferent, we call these men FAs. Or as my wife calls me, chubby chasers. While there is definitely a lot of fetish related pursuits that revolve around weigh, gaining, bigger women, bigger men, to say FAs are fetishists is not accurate. I'm certainly not a fetishist, at least not when it comes to the preferences I have and the women I find attractive. I'm just a normal guy who happens to like fat women. For whatever reason, people have created a term for guys like me. FA. Chubby chaser. Whatever. It's a descriptive term for men who have a certain preference. It is not an accurate statement to say FAs are fetishists just because they're FAs.
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Old 02-18-2016, 05:55 PM   #12
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FAs are overrated. Try regular guys. The relationships are tangible and less weird.
I wonder what would happen if I went into the BBW forum and wrote, "BBWs are overrated. Try regular girls. The relationships are tangible and less weird."
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Old 02-21-2016, 11:48 AM   #13
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I wonder what would happen if I went into the BBW forum and wrote, "BBWs are overrated. Try regular girls. The relationships are tangible and less weird."
Have to admit the BBW/FA community can be a bit weird.
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Old 02-24-2016, 09:37 PM   #14
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OP: If a man doesn't take you out on dates and hold your hand, you're a sex-buddy/booty-call, and you're wasting your love fantasies on a man who will never return your feelings. It's not a size matter, women of all shapes and sizes get used.
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Old 02-24-2016, 11:47 PM   #15
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Default And another thing...

There's really no such thing as a (purely) physical relationship. That whole idea is basically a rationalization or cop-out. A quick & dirty way to bypass social mores, expectations, that we're mostly projecting onto ourselves, through said relationships.

Otherwise, just as sexuality easily spills into what're supposed to be mostly platonic relationships, so-too does personality and values and real emotional investment and sentimentality inevitably creep into what were originally more superficial ties.

So, what's important is not so much what anyone feels, per se, or can truthfully deny feeling. But how they act. What they do. How they treat you.

Of which you are necessarily 50% of that relationship as well. And so, therefore, really have to take some ownership of it as well.
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Old 02-25-2016, 09:39 AM   #16
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...

With all that said, I think we can agree OP is better serving herself by moving on from this guy. ...
Yes, they seem to have very different expectations from the relationship.
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Old 02-25-2016, 10:53 AM   #17
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I apologize for contributing to the drift in this thread, away from its original point, with ruminations on fetishism.

In terms of the original issue: based on what FatBarbieDoll writes, it seems painfully clear that this guy is exploiting her purely for sex. Whether that is a result of his repressing his FA-ness, or of his being emotionally retarded in general, is impossible to say from this distance, although it might well be the former, or both.

What I find harder to understand - again, based purely on the OP - is her declarations of undying love for this man: a man who only sees her three times a year and from the sound of it just blasts in, gets his rocks off, and leaves.

I don't mean to be impertinent here. But it really does seem bewildering.

Was there, once upon a time, a more sustained period of emotional intimacy? Because if not - if this was always basically a booty-call 'relationship' - it's tough to comprehend what kind of foundation this 'love' has. I'm NOT trying to deny the authenticity of the OP's emotions, but let's face it...remaining passionately in love with someone on the basis of tri-annual sex-fests may suggest some issues around low self-esteem or some other factor, such as a desire to avoid intimacy on the part of the OP as well as this Canadian male. I know this may sound like 'blaming the victim,' but surely these questions have to be asked?
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Old 02-25-2016, 11:21 AM   #18
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...

What I find harder to understand - again, based purely on the OP - is her declarations of undying love for this man: a man who only sees her three times a year and from the sound of it just blasts in, gets his rocks off, and leaves.

...
Really good sex can really mess with your brain.
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Old 02-25-2016, 05:02 PM   #19
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Probably nothing. Because most of the women who used frequent that folder have moved on. Because:

It's a reaction to (radioisotope-of?) all of the crude, boorish,anti-social, & generally degrading behavior that's put on fat women...for being fat. When, of course, in reality, it's more to do with the person exhibiting it. And how we, any of us, all of us-at one point or another, have tolerated it. Been a party to it. That this folder if not the entire forum and fat community writ large at some level represents. For them. Or anyone. At one point or another.

So, basically, you'd do better to step away, for a minute, from the idea of a safe space. And just realize that, no matter where you go, you're still basically out there in the world. With other people. Who have plenty of baggage of their own.

Who don't like you.

Who will never like you.

Because of who you are, yes; but also as much for precisely what that means only for them.

So, fairly, I think you -can- fault her. But more so for how everything's necessarily couched in the lolz-on-lolz-on-top-of-more-lolz.
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Good points Tad.

I think one of the reasons F/FAs have become emotionally sensitive about it is the same reason why heavier people have.

Because fat people are lazy, stupid, weak. Right?
FFA are creepy, destructive, and fetishists. Right?

Both are misconceptions because there ARE people who fit that description. I think that in order to counteract this for BHM and BBW a zero tolerance approach to hate seemed to have been adopted. However, some backlash /generically negative statements against F/FA is tolerated. The reason there was a rise is that the statement was all encompassing - there was no qualifier to say "some" ffa.

And for some, silence could be considered damning agreement.

But regardless - i think the OP is better off without him, because FFa or not he sounds like a prick!
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Old 02-26-2016, 12:54 AM   #20
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Originally Posted by choudhury View Post
I apologize for contributing to the drift in this thread, away from its original point, with ruminations on fetishism.

In terms of the original issue: based on what FatBarbieDoll writes, it seems painfully clear that this guy is exploiting her purely for sex. Whether that is a result of his repressing his FA-ness, or of his being emotionally retarded in general, is impossible to say from this distance, although it might well be the former, or both.

What I find harder to understand - again, based purely on the OP - is her declarations of undying love for this man: a man who only sees her three times a year and from the sound of it just blasts in, gets his rocks off, and leaves.

I don't mean to be impertinent here. But it really does seem bewildering.

Was there, once upon a time, a more sustained period of emotional intimacy? Because if not - if this was always basically a booty-call 'relationship' - it's tough to comprehend what kind of foundation this 'love' has. I'm NOT trying to deny the authenticity of the OP's emotions, but let's face it...remaining passionately in love with someone on the basis of tri-annual sex-fests may suggest some issues around low self-esteem or some other factor, such as a desire to avoid intimacy on the part of the OP as well as this Canadian male. I know this may sound like 'blaming the victim,' but surely these questions have to be asked?
I actually haven't seen him in person since November of 2014 and have not talked to him since last February.

He gave me hope because he'd say that he misses me and that a certain song made him wanna hug and kiss me.

He would hold my hand and kiss me in public.

He'd excitedly say stuff like, "You're a sight for sore eyes!", "You look fantastic!", "You're so sweet!", etc. I also think he may be checkin' me out on FB too.

I was called a "cherub" and his "lover". He claimed he enjoyed our conversations as well and told me that I am unique.

I've never felt that way about a man in my entire life and it's just so hard to let go.
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Old 02-26-2016, 12:56 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by Yakatori View Post
There's really no such thing as a (purely) physical relationship. That whole idea is basically a rationalization or cop-out. A quick & dirty way to bypass social mores, expectations, that we're mostly projecting onto ourselves, through said relationships.

Otherwise, just as sexuality easily spills into what're supposed to be mostly platonic relationships, so-too does personality and values and real emotional investment and sentimentality inevitably creep into what were originally more superficial ties.

So, what's important is not so much what anyone feels, per se, or can truthfully deny feeling. But how they act. What they do. How they treat you.

Of which you are necessarily 50% of that relationship as well. And so, therefore, really have to take some ownership of it as well.
There is really no such thing as a purely physical relationship?! I wish that was true.
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Old 02-26-2016, 11:59 AM   #22
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bigmac keeps pushing the rep limit!bigmac keeps pushing the rep limit!bigmac keeps pushing the rep limit!bigmac keeps pushing the rep limit!bigmac keeps pushing the rep limit!bigmac keeps pushing the rep limit!bigmac keeps pushing the rep limit!bigmac keeps pushing the rep limit!bigmac keeps pushing the rep limit!bigmac keeps pushing the rep limit!bigmac keeps pushing the rep limit!
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Originally Posted by FatBarbieDoll View Post
There is really no such thing as a purely physical relationship?! I wish that was true.
I've found that eventually the more logical side of your brain will regain control with the phrase "what the fuck was I thinking" coming to the fore.
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Old 02-26-2016, 03:26 PM   #23
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fuelingfire has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!fuelingfire has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!fuelingfire has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!fuelingfire has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!fuelingfire has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!fuelingfire has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!fuelingfire has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!fuelingfire has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!fuelingfire has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!fuelingfire has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!fuelingfire has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!
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Originally Posted by Yakatori View Post
Probably nothing. Because most of the women who used frequent that folder have moved on. Because:

It's a reaction to (radioisotope-of?) all of the crude, boorish,anti-social, & generally degrading behavior that's put on fat women...for being fat. When, of course, in reality, it's more to do with the person exhibiting it. And how we, any of us, all of us-at one point or another, have tolerated it. Been a party to it. That this folder if not the entire forum and fat community writ large at some level represents. For them. Or anyone. At one point or another.

So, basically, you'd do better to step away, for a minute, from the idea of a safe space. And just realize that, no matter where you go, you're still basically out there in the world. With other people. Who have plenty of baggage of their own.

Who don't like you.

Who will never like you.

Because of who you are, yes; but also as much for precisely what that means only for them.

So, fairly, I think you -can- fault her. But more so for how everything's necessarily couched in the lolz-on-lolz-on-top-of-more-lolz.
I have found Dims means different things to different people. I don't know if it's due to moderators, but I have seen very little trolling one this site. Most of the comments are respectable (ignoring the paysite area). There was a thread about a year ago started by Xyntha, talking about the conflict between size acceptance and FA acceptance, that really opened my eyes. http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/fo...d.php?t=115137 Long story short, I will usually point out if someone posts a bigotry comment about FAs on Dims. Not to shun the person but in the hope they realize what they are doing. Maybe it does nothing, I don't know but I can hope.
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Old 02-27-2016, 05:31 PM   #24
Jon Blaze
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Jon Blaze keeps pushing the rep limit!Jon Blaze keeps pushing the rep limit!Jon Blaze keeps pushing the rep limit!Jon Blaze keeps pushing the rep limit!Jon Blaze keeps pushing the rep limit!Jon Blaze keeps pushing the rep limit!Jon Blaze keeps pushing the rep limit!Jon Blaze keeps pushing the rep limit!Jon Blaze keeps pushing the rep limit!Jon Blaze keeps pushing the rep limit!Jon Blaze keeps pushing the rep limit!
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I really think we need to put this side conversation in another thread.
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