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Old 02-01-2017, 11:05 PM   #1
Fat Molly
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Unhappy worry as an FA

hi friends

so i'm in the delightful position of dating a SSBHM who is absolutely divine. while not interested in feederism on his own behalf, he's around 500lbs with an overwhelmingly excellent appetite, and he's attracted to this plump small-fat FA.

there was a thread on another board where we were discussing FA/FFA issues re: weight loss of partner. and I wrote that i'm feeling pretty excited at prospect of partner losing weight.

there's a lot of little things that i want to do that i can't do with him, like going on walks, going camping, going swimming, buying him clothes more easily (he's outgrown most big and tall store offerings), spending more time out of the house, and fucking me deeper/with less awkward maneuvering. i feel like our life is kinda on hold bc of his weight and it terrifies me that one day i might get a call that he's in the hospital. or that his heart might fail while we're hanging out and that i'll have to call the ambulance and explain the situation that he's too big for an ambulance.

I'm insanely attracted to him now but I don't think that would go away if he lost a hundred pounds. even two hundred pounds i think, given he's nearly 500lbs if not over.

i like him squishy and i also like him enough to want him to stick around. and because of his size, he's got a bee in his bonnet that he refuses to go for annual checkups until he loses weight, which makes me quite concerned. i want to get his bloodwork done to see if he needs meds for various cholesterol/sugars. i'm not focusing on weight loss - he really is. i've told him i'm along for the ride, whatever makes the most sense for him. but as he's expressed his own concerns re: his weight, i've affirmed the positive aspects of losing weight in reference to his own life.

i've articulated (extremely carefully) these concerns, months ago, and he appreciates and validates them but also is dealing with alternate sources of external stress. he just got laid off from his dream job, and dealt with some significant depression as a result of that. also his dream job had weird insurance that was very unclear how to access care.

very soon he should be getting on new, more straightforward insurance, and I feel like I want to pester him to go to the doctor JUST TO GET THAT BLOODWORK DONE, but I also know that I can't compel him to do that. he feels like any bloodwork he might get done would be negligible because of a sense that 'if i just lose weight my bloodwork will be good again/normal again so whats the point of going to doc to analyze blood bc losing weight will fix those problematic metrics." and i'm just like ARGHGHGH weight loss won't solve all your problems if you're having problems right now and you're not taking care of them!!!!!

in particular: here's what's going on in his head right now from how i understand it

a) until he's got new job he won't consider doing *anything* for his health including doctor visit, exercise, or weight loss. he has it in his head that he can't exercise until he loses weight, which i've not had success getting him to realize. and again he won't see a doctor because he feels like it'd be useless
b) he's not really working super hard on getting new job, from what i can tell. a part of this is depression about how fucked up our world is right now, but I know a part of this is also internal resistance to his own resolution to start dieting once he has a paycheck again.

I'm trying so hard to balance my concern for him with my respect for his being an adult who can make his own decisions.

he experiences suicidal depression and so do I. both of us self-harm through eating, though we both also experience great pleasure through eating/overeating. (for me it's much more sexual than it is for him.)

he's getting connected to appropriate mental health care since right now he claims to feel fine, despite everything. i have done some stuff to facilitate that, and am gently nudging him to keep working on moving forward despite everything.

i could use some thoughts/support/love as i'm trying to balance on the edge of this challenge, and i want to be optimally compassionate without also being complacent and allowing him to be complacent. like i know i need to push but i also need to not push too much, and i'm terrified that i'm going to just let him die by accident. but i also know THIS IS NOT MY CHOICE and THIS IS NOT SOMETHING I CAN CONTROL. This is stuff he, as an adult, must choose to address/not address. I love him and I know he feels better about his life with me in it, and my life is better with him in it, too.

but i know life would be better for both of us if he were just a bit thinner, more energetic, more able-bodied. not super thin, of course, we're both endomorphs, but i need him to be healthier, even as much (or more) than i need him squishy and soft and lovely to cuddle.

god damnit why have i made my life so difficult by falling so hard for someone so tricky?

also: i'm a social worker, which has been both a blessing and a curse through this mess. also, he's started really taking seriously my worry about his sleep schedule, and has actually stopped drinking caffeine after 4pm, which has taken a massive load off my shoulders in terms of worrying about him. being SSBHM + excessive caffeine abuse + massively fucked up sleep schedule has been pretty scary to watch. but past week or two he has sorted it out and begun to be better regulated.

incremental progress is incremental but DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT I just want to get things on track for him, manually, and I can't, and it's frustrating.
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Old 02-02-2017, 08:14 PM   #2
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You want good thoughts? You got 'em!

Your post shows that you fully understand the situation, and you're handling it in a sensitive, intelligent, mature way. Frustrating as hell, tho, isn't it? My wife had a back operation a couple of weeks ago, she's having to wear a back brace, the doctor told her to go easy and not push herself, and ... she's decided she's Supergirl! At least she hasn't tried to fly yet. My situation isn't as tough as yours, but I appreciate your frustration, and ... you and your honey are in my thoughts.
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Old 02-02-2017, 11:20 PM   #3
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thanks i really appreciate the positive thoughts.

coincidence!! I also have been on mandated bedrest for my back!!! like right now I'm supposed to be Not Socialworker Superwoman and guess what I'm basically in your wife's position. i'm wearing my back brace and hobbling along with a cane, of all things (new for me).

"Your post shows that you fully understand the situation, and you're handling it in a sensitive, intelligent, mature way. Frustrating as hell, tho, isn't it? "

Thanks for the validation & solidarity, I really super duper need it, and it's so hard to see someone you love struggling to take care of themselves in the ways they aspire to. <3 it certainly is frustrating as hell. so frustrating. so so frustrating....
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Old 02-03-2017, 03:04 AM   #4
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Just an idea - not sure if it is doable in the US at a reasonable cost.

In most European countries, either pharmacies and/or small labs offer bloodwork-testing against relatively moderate fees. (Depending on what you get done and where it starts with like €10 for blood sugar & cholesterol)

You get a blood sample taken, say what you want/need analyzed and then get the results with a reference list of what is within the norm.

It saves the psychologically challenging visit to the doctor - and let's you know where you stand. Either that everything is more or less okay and you can concentrate on getting things back in line. Or it shows you if something is really wrong with the kick-in-the-ass to go see a doctor.

How everything works out for you two and you get better soon!
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Old 02-03-2017, 07:25 AM   #5
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Better sleep is a huge step all on its own. Reduces a bunch of health risks and hopefully will lead to more energy and focus, which might be the catalyst for other changes or improvements.

It certainly sounds like he is procrastinating on making changes. At a guess those changes all sound unpleasant, dreary, ... and long-term. I don't know him, but just to speculate -- he's probably not super happy about certain aspects of his life (lack of money, difficulty in doing things), but comfortable in others (eating what he likes, not doing painful and difficult things, not too much in his schedule, dating you, etc).

Most of the changes that he would be facing will be less comfortable and pleasant (eating less of what he likes and maybe more things he doesn't care for as much; exercising -- which he may associate with pain, discomfort, and embarrassment; and need to discipline and schedule his life to make those food and exercise things happen.) AND those changes are not 'put up with two months of bother for a lasting benefit', no, they are a permanent crimp in his lifestyle. AND any benefits are not guaranteed, uncertain in degree, long term, and incremental in their benefit.

So I can totally understand why it could be that he may know that he needs to make these changes, but really not be eager to start them. (and for reference, I know that as we age we lose strength and muscle mass, and I'm totally going to start doing some more serious strength based exercises ... once I turn fifty, over a year from now )

I also understand that from your side this must be incredibly frustrating! You don't know if he'll ever make the changes, and you know he's risking himself every day in not making the changes.

I think that in some ways this is a pretty classic relationship dilemma. The fat dresses it up differently, but when you come right down to it the dynamic is similar to things that many couples deal with. And I'm guessing that there are a lot of resources in print and on-line with all sorts of advice on ways to cope with and potentially help resolve such situations.

I'm going to toss out one idea of my own, although I'm under no illusions that I have a magic solution to the situation.

He's made changes to get better sleep. That is great, both for the sake of the change and that he's made a change for his health. Perhaps you can leverage that to help him build up the habit and skills at making changes in his life, without taking on those big issues immediately?

By way of examples:

- perhaps when you are together you could get him to do relaxation exercises with you, or meditation, or something like that. There are all sorts of scripts (and recordings) that you can follow on relaxation things, typically a sequence of regulating your breathing, then tightening and releasing various muscles, and more breathing -- it hopefully relaxes tight muscles, helps you identify areas that won't relax, and puts you more in touch with your breathing and your body in general.

- flossing, if he doesn't already. Just doing that before bed every night is a good habit to develop, so dentists have always told me. And it is a small, easy, habit to develop, but another step on getting in the habit of what needs to get done every day, etc.

- Stretching. Probably a lot of traditional stretches are hard for him because fat, but I'm sure that between the two of you and some research you could find or develop some that do work. With his weight I'd think especially calf, thigh, and lower back work could be valuable in reducing or preventing pain. Doing these regularly may make life more comfortable, better prepare him for doing more exercise, and honestly they will probably be a bit of exercise in their own right at his weight. (can combine with massage when you are with him )

- Reading nutrition information on food. Not necessarily making changes, but getting in the habit of knowing the nutrition information (and ingredients) of bought food. Sometimes that can drive some changes on its own when you read all the crap that is in some processed food, but at the least it is educational, and helps build a habit that is important if he ever does try to change his diet.

I hope any of this helps, but mostly sending 'be strong, be patient' vibes your way!
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Old 02-03-2017, 08:22 AM   #6
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I am skeptical.
It is not that I don't want you to succeed. I just don't think you can "love-a-partner-into-motivation/change".
---------------
I think it would be neglect* to puff your up your hopes. This becomes a rescue mission and " being in love with a partner's potential". It has lots of pitfalls (despite its good intentions).

*neglect by staying silent.
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Old 02-03-2017, 08:42 AM   #7
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I am skeptical.
It is not that I don't want you to succeed. I just don't think you can "love-a-partner-into-motivation/change".
---------------
I think it would be neglect* to puff your up your hopes. This becomes a rescue mission and " being in love with a partner's potential". It has lots of pitfalls (despite its good intentions).

*neglect by staying silent.
I understand your point, and I agree that you can't love a partner into motivation. But neglect by staying silent cuts both ways. If I understand her post correctly, Molly can't be silent without feeling that she is neglecting her partner's best interests. If she were to let it go, and he were to encounter a health crisis, she might feel that she is somehow guilty. I applaud her efforts because I believe they are in her best interests as well as his.
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Old 02-03-2017, 09:20 AM   #8
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I understand your point, and I agree that you can't love a partner into motivation. But neglect by staying silent cuts both ways. If I understand her post correctly, Molly can't be silent without feeling that she is neglecting her partner's best interests. If she were to let it go, and he were to encounter a health crisis, she might feel that she is somehow guilty. I applaud her efforts because I believe they are in her best interests as well as his.

Thanks for validation on this - I do feel seen.

If he were to encounter a health crisis I would feel guilty for enabling - and encouraging - his selfdeleterious behaviors.

I have half a mind to show him this thread - particularly Tad's thoughtful response, which I'm processing presently - but I feel like that might be overkill and make him feel worse. Thoughts?

Again I simultaneously feel like I'm walking multiple difficult lines.

A) I'm really enjoying my own weight gain, but my weight doesn't really impact my ability to do things I care about (at least for right now)
B) I desperately enjoy feeding my man and indulging his humongous appetite
C) I desperately enjoy his body the way it is, and would support him in gaining more if that's what ended up happening, but I would be happier for his health and livelihood if he lost weight. Because he would be happier, and would be able to live life much more fully, I also would be happier.
D) I don't want him to become immobile, he doesn't want that for himself.
E) he doesn't want to weigh himself because it would end up making him confront things he doesn't want to confront, and he doesn't want me observing when he's gained weight "I don't want to feel like I'm eating myself into an early grave" is what he said last week. Though granted that is pretty much the agenda that is unconsciously going on.
F) on some level I feel like joining him in eating recklessly, gaining an excessive amount of weight to the point I'm starting to flirt with immobility, as he is. And I somewhat enjoy the fantasy of joining together in a vortex of self destructive eating and falling apart together. It'd be fucking romantic in a Tristan and Isolde way. Like let us both drown in our sorrow and our fatness, together. We have similar family issues and stuff and similar perspectives on the uselessness of living - and neither of us is firmly convinced of the benefits of living. Our depression symptoms are better for both of us since starting dating, but mental illness is hard in general.
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Old 02-03-2017, 01:24 PM   #9
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Check his blood pressure at the very least. You can do it in supermarkets and drug stores. You can buy a glucose meter, maybe convince him to take a baby aspirin. I'm over 500 and my annual blood work is fine every year but if I didn't have my blood pressure under control with medication and my sleep apnea treated I would have big problems. Also make sure he gets a flu shot.

Ultimately though he just needs to get his ass to the doctor for a physical. Just make him an appointment and tell him you're taking him out for steaks then drive him to the doctors office. :P
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Old 02-03-2017, 04:58 PM   #10
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Check his blood pressure at the very least. You can do it in supermarkets and drug stores. You can buy a glucose meter, maybe convince him to take a baby aspirin. I'm over 500 and my annual blood work is fine every year but if I didn't have my blood pressure under control with medication and my sleep apnea treated I would have big problems. Also make sure he gets a flu shot.

Ultimately though he just needs to get his ass to the doctor for a physical. Just make him an appointment and tell him you're taking him out for steaks then drive him to the doctors office. :P
Seriously tho deception isn't my MO. I might get him to take baby aspirin.
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Old 02-03-2017, 05:05 PM   #11
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Get his blood pressure checked. It's easy to do and uncontrolled blood pressure can do a lot of long term damage.
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Old 02-03-2017, 07:35 PM   #12
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thanks i really appreciate the positive thoughts.

coincidence!! I also have been on mandated bedrest for my back!!! like right now I'm supposed to be Not Socialworker Superwoman and guess what I'm basically in your wife's position. i'm wearing my back brace and hobbling along with a cane, of all things (new for me).

"Your post shows that you fully understand the situation, and you're handling it in a sensitive, intelligent, mature way. Frustrating as hell, tho, isn't it? "

Thanks for the validation & solidarity, I really super duper need it, and it's so hard to see someone you love struggling to take care of themselves in the ways they aspire to. <3 it certainly is frustrating as hell. so frustrating. so so frustrating....
You can't fix anyone, no matter how much you love him. All you can really do is lead by example... that means healthy eating in moderate amounts, and finding other things to share and enjoy besides eating. Maybe he should look into WLS. I know it's a "dirty word" around here, but it has helped many people. Good luck.
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Old 02-04-2017, 02:04 PM   #13
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I'm new here and this whole thread confuses me. Fat Molly, why are you on a fat acceptance group asking how to get your bf to lose 200 pounds?? I think you are much too obsessed with his body size and are behaving like 99% of society and judging his health based on his size. You "love him and don't want him to die"... gee, where have we heard that before? Everywhere! I came to this site to avoid people like that.

He's a grown man and has responded to all of your "concerns" and will make his own choices, now stop obsessing over his health and focus on fixing yourself.
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Old 02-04-2017, 09:27 PM   #14
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I'm new here and this whole thread confuses me. Fat Molly, why are you on a fat acceptance group asking how to get your bf to lose 200 pounds?? I think you are much too obsessed with his body size and are behaving like 99% of society and judging his health based on his size. You "love him and don't want him to die"... gee, where have we heard that before? Everywhere! I came to this site to avoid people like that.

He's a grown man and has responded to all of your "concerns" and will make his own choices, now stop obsessing over his health and focus on fixing yourself.
Hi RealMe, I'm not sure about Fat Molly's background but I can tell you there's several of us here with decades of experience in Fat Acceptance. Her concerns are very valid since our more supersize folks leave us early, sometimes before age 50, and the gourmands occasionally leave us before age 40. As much as I love the fantasy of weight not having an impact on health, the evidence to the contrary is overwhelming.

Unfortunately Dims stopped being a "safe space" for fat acceptance over a decade ago. It's become an environment of "size acceptance" instead. A seemingly subtle but meaningful change in atmosphere.
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Old 02-04-2017, 09:56 PM   #15
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I feel your pain Fat Molly. Obviously you're a FFA who's found her fantasy but you recognize the realities on the horizon. It's really just a variation on the classic FA conflict of desires vs guilt. You've got all the elements of what's important and the personal skills to know what isn't possible.

The only thing I might add is despite your best efforts and possible success, you or your love may still have the bad outcomes you want so desperately to avoid. I'm deep in the middle of that situation myself right now.

The main thing to keep in mind is you and your love are each on your own paths. Enjoy the time you walk together but learn to accept you may not have the same destinations.

As for doing his own initial health assessments, that's a pretty decent idea. Just be prepared if his BG levels are high (over 120). That pretty well dictates immediately seeking professional healthcare without delay.

As for the BP measurements, if he has a larger arm make sure you use an adult thigh cuff or an obese cuff and not the stock cuff that comes with a BP system. Otherwise it will probably read significantly high. The free BP systems are usually out of the question for that reason. I've seen them read 40 to 60 points too high on a larger arm.
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Old 02-04-2017, 10:06 PM   #16
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You can take BP from the forearm rather than use a thigh cuff.
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Old 02-05-2017, 12:36 PM   #17
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Unfortunately Dims stopped being a "safe space" for fat acceptance over a decade ago. It's become an environment of "size acceptance" instead. A seemingly subtle but meaningful change in atmosphere.
I have no idea what you are trying to say. lol. Did I use the wrong word? She wants him to lose 200lbs of size (not fat)? There are people who call themselves Fat Admirers here but it's not a fat acceptance group. I'm confused. Shouldn't they be called Size Admirers now?

So a forum for "size acceptance" as long as the person can still do all the things Molly enjoys, but larger than that then size modification is on the agenda: "there's a lot of little things that i want to do that i can't do with him, like going on walks, going camping, going swimming, buying him clothes more easily (he's outgrown most big and tall store offerings), spending more time out of the house, and fucking me deeper/with less awkward maneuvering."


I'll try to get hip with the times and use the right terminology in the future.
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Old 02-05-2017, 12:46 PM   #18
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If her bf was here asking for support to lose weight that would be one thing. But for her asking how to get him to lose weight... it really is such a typical thing that us large people have to deal with in a relationships and I'm sad to see it here in this forum.
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Old 02-05-2017, 01:07 PM   #19
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our more supersize folks leave us early, sometimes before age 50, and the gourmands occasionally leave us before age 40.
Do you believe they died young because they didn't have people telling them they need to lose weight? Or they never watched the news and knew there was risk of being overweight? Did they die because a loved one didn't judge them enough and nag them to go to the doctor? Or because society didn't tell them they were a ticking time bomb about to die? Or they died because they went out in public and nobody looked at them strange or pointed and laughed. Clearly they died because not enough people told them that being obese has health risks.


I apologize for the many posts, thoughts keep coming to my mind.
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Old 02-05-2017, 01:24 PM   #20
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Molly, I apologize for being harsh. But I was serious when I said you should focus on fixing yourself. You seem to be on a path of self destruction with unrestricted weight gain. And unless you want to be like your boyfriend in the future you should get it under control and stop gaining weight. The body will create new fat cells when all the fat cells are full. But the body keeps the fat cells forever and they don't go away when you lose weight. They may empty but they don't go away and they are hanging around taking up space and energy. In other words, once you build fat, you don't go back. Fat cells on your liver, your heart, anywhere will always be there.

"Even after marked weight loss, the body never loses adipocytes. As a rule, to facilitate changes in weight, the adipocytes in the body merely gain or lose fat content. However, if the adipocytes in the body reach their maximum capacity of fat, they may replicate to allow additional fat storage."

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adipocyte
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Old 02-05-2017, 05:51 PM   #21
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I'm trying with all my might to avoid saying Fuck You to @Realme. I've been a confirmed FFA for over a decade - just look at my join date, that's five years after I began lurking these forums - and you have the gall to say the things you're saying? Seriously?

I am not saying I want him to lose weight per se, though it would make me glad to see him participate in the things that *he* wants to do outside of the house. His depression is worsened by his weight, and his weight worsens his ability to do things to alleviate his depression, and the cycle is awful. I want to make sure he gets his friggen blood pressure and glucose levels checked.

Moreover *I'm* maintaining my own medical situation with my eyes wide open, thank you very much. With recent gains I'm going to doctor at least every couple months and monitoring health very closely. My own blood pressure (for those who are counting) is perfect according to every visit I've had to the doctor in the past 2months. Like the past three readings have been 120/80 every single time. So no, I'm not going down some unrestricted "path of self destruction."

I'm ignoring your posts on this topic from now on, RealMe.

...................

Thanks Heretic. "I feel your pain Fat Molly. Obviously you're a FFA who's found her fantasy but you recognize the realities on the horizon." That's me. Yep. True facts.

"The only thing I might add is despite your best efforts and possible success, you or your love may still have the bad outcomes you want so desperately to avoid. I'm deep in the middle of that situation myself right now." I'd like to hear more about the challenges you're experiencing and what that's like.

"The main thing to keep in mind is you and your love are each on your own paths. Enjoy the time you walk together but learn to accept you may not have the same destinations."
That's the thing that breaks my heart, and that I'm really looking for support in here. I know we may not end up in the same place and that makes me sad.

"As for doing his own initial health assessments, that's a pretty decent idea. Just be prepared if his BG levels are high (over 120). That pretty well dictates immediately seeking professional healthcare without delay." THIS IS MY PRIMARY CONCERN. I wouldn't be posting this if he'd been to the doctor in the past six months and got a clean bill of health - or even was told 'here you need to take metformin but it'll keep everything in check.'

Instead, when I asked him, he couldn't remember the last time he had a BP reading. My guess based on hx is that it was in August 2015, when he started rapidly gaining a massive amount of weight, like a hundred pounds on his already quite-heavy figure. (The reason for this acceleration = trauma and mental health stuff that isn't pertinent to this conversation.)
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Old 02-05-2017, 05:57 PM   #22
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I have no idea what you are trying to say. lol. Did I use the wrong word? She wants him to lose 200lbs of size (not fat)? There are people who call themselves Fat Admirers here but it's not a fat acceptance group. I'm confused. Shouldn't they be called Size Admirers now?

So a forum for "size acceptance" as long as the person can still do all the things Molly enjoys, but larger than that then size modification is on the agenda: "there's a lot of little things that i want to do that i can't do with him, like going on walks, going camping, going swimming, buying him clothes more easily (he's outgrown most big and tall store offerings), spending more time out of the house, and fucking me deeper/with less awkward maneuvering."


I'll try to get hip with the times and use the right terminology in the future.
Also you should check your reading comprehension.

"I'm insanely attracted to him now but I don't think that would go away if he lost a hundred pounds. even two hundred pounds i think, given he's nearly 500lbs if not over."

"he refuses to go for annual checkups until he loses weight, which makes me quite concerned. i want to get his bloodwork done to see if he needs meds for various cholesterol/sugars. i'm not focusing on weight loss - he really is. i've told him i'm along for the ride, whatever makes the most sense for him. but as he's expressed his own concerns re: his weight, i've affirmed the positive aspects of losing weight in reference to his own life."

thanks for twisting my words and making me look like the bad guy here.
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Old 02-05-2017, 08:00 PM   #23
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. His depression is worsened by his weight, and his weight worsens his ability to do things to alleviate his depression, and the cycle is awful.
Just give him UNCONDITIONAL love and support, accept his decision not to see a doctor and don't bring it up anymore, and lead by example by eating healthy and exercising to lose weight.
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Old 02-05-2017, 08:34 PM   #24
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accept his decision not to see a doctor and don't bring it up anymore,
Terrible advice.
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Old 02-05-2017, 08:59 PM   #25
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Terrible advice.
Why? Do you believe he is unaware of the health risks of being obese? Or that he needs someone to nag him? Or was it the advice for her to lead by example and eat healthy and exercise?
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