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Old 04-29-2017, 05:03 AM   #26
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Sympathy on what? I think the one who needs some sympathy here is your wife. I get it now though. Thank you for sharing.
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Old 04-29-2017, 05:12 AM   #27
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OP, for context, how old are you and your wife?

I have a few thoughts on your post. First, I don't think it makes you a "shallow asshole" just because you have a preference that she no longer fits. But you have to be careful here (and it seems you've acknowledged that) because you don't want to run the risk of long term resentment. Now if your wife were happy at her smaller size I'd be more inclined to suggest you were being selfish; however, that does not seem to be the case.

And while your preference is important, obviously in a marriage individual preferences have to sometimes take a backseat. This applies to everything: money, time, and physical characteristics of one's partner. Again, you seem to have at least an understanding of this, so that's a good thing. That also means she should respect your preferences just as much as you respect hers, and if you're not careful that can lead to an impasse.

With that said, her preference when it comes to her body is a bit of a mystery since she doesn't seem to be happy at any weight. Believe it or not, she's not alone in that regard. Plenty of women in our culture today are not happy with themselves for a variety of reasons. Weight, shape, skin tone, you name it. I'm the furthest thing from a feminist you'll ever find, but even I can acknowledge society puts an immense amount of pressure on women to look a certain way, project a certain image, and exude certain qualities and often these are not realistic. Thankfully a lot of women don't buy that B.S. but many do. And in some cases it's subconscious. Your wife may not be browsing the SI Swimsuit issue comparing herself to the highly photoshopped images therein but she may be making comparisons elsewhere without even realizing it.

Have you ever actually asked her head on why she is unhappy with her body? If not, plan a conversation where you can sit down with no distractions and talk all night about if need be. Drill into that issue and see what lies beneath. It's not likely you as her husband will ever be able to convince her to be happy with her body: That has to come from her. I learned this with my wife. But you can be supportive and offer validation where she needs it from time to time. You're more likely going to be able to do this if you are more in tune with what's underneath the hood so to speak.

If you can work together to help her improve her self image, I'm confident the weight issue in your preference will solve itself too. It's amazing what you can put aside for someone else when you love them and care about their happiness. I'm confident that once you see your wife happier in her own body (regardless of weight) you'll find that preference may not have been as important as you thought it was.

Best wishes to you, OP.
Thank you. This is the best advice I have received. It is definitely a question of mental health and being comfortable in one's skin. Her being happy is ultimately what I want. At the same time, I think removing porn, weight gain fantasy has improved things and I feel far more interested in her. Those images and stories were creating unrealistic ideals the same way a husband who found slim and fit women attractive looking at swimsuit models with a wife who was overweight. I still working at conditioning myself but it is working so far. Thanks again.
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Old 04-29-2017, 05:12 AM   #28
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Modraneth- people "growing old" together is the idea of marriage or any long term relationship. NOBODY is going to look the same after thirty years together. Most people don't look "better". That's part of the concept of LTR...you're willing to weather the changes together because the relationship is one that isn't about the physical only.

Are YOU the same as when the relationship first began? Are you "different" somehow? That's to be expected, IMO.

I understand about your libido....and you wanted to know from other men if that can be "gained back" (yes pun).
What I know about marriage is...you can change your perceptions and expectations...just like the physical can change. I have done so in my own relationships.
Had there been some things that were insurmountable? Yes,,, but they had nothing to do with physical attraction. I didn't marry for looks though, so perhaps I'm not really capable of understanding your whole "dilemma". Your wifes weight changed...that was never something you knew could change when you got married? When I read threads like this (and yes there have been others on Dims) I tend to believe the issue must go deeper than the actual number on the scale...as in I read a level of hurt in the post.
Do you feel like you've been "betrayed" somehow? Do you think that is what your spouse's weight loss is about? Perhaps this conversation would be better off to be had with her...because maybe she doesn't understand your feelings.
Both of your feelings are important...and both need to be considered. Her feelings about her own body have to be considered.

If my spouse had cancer, had to have a body part removed because of it, should I leave him? I make this comparison because weight loss is viewed as a health issue (It definitely is for me with my health problems)
Simple answer is no. OF course not...we got married. You're supposed to stick it out. But sticking it out isn't just one person's responsibility. BOTH parties have to work hard to make it work.
Marriage involves two people- that means two people doing what's best for both parties that includes good health and long life .... not just physical attraction.

I get the point another poster made about some changes being so big, they might end a marriage. I can agree with that point because the point I was hoping to make about marriage is that it's not "simple" and sometimes not even that "romantic" of a notion. It's working to stay together....and that will be far from easy on many days.

Yes,of course, your spouse should be considered when making any big lifestyle decision. You should be supportive of your spouse when they are doing something for themselves that will help to make them happier and healthier- whether it's physical or mental. The idea of loving another person means you gain some level of happiness from their happiness...and vice versa
The idea of compromise isn't about someone giving up everything about themselves to please another. That's not possible and doesn't make marriage look like a good decision for anyone (IMO).
What have you gained from your wife losing weight? Anything? Can you now go for long walks together or do some other physical things together now that you couldn't before? Not all change is bad. It's hard to look for the other side of the coin when you're hurt. I know from personal experience...but I also know it's possible

As to "getting off track" I thought "expectations of a marriage" were quite pertinent to the conversation. My apologies for digressing though in your thread Modraneth. Good luck to your and your Lady

ETA: I didn't read Happily Married's post until after I made this one. I was wondering how he would respond and agree with him
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Old 04-29-2017, 05:28 AM   #29
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Don't worry I copied the text from another place that isn't so judgmental. I have to say that for a size acceptance site there are many judgmental people here. I didn't expect sympathy on this, but I didn't expect the level of sniping either.
There are other SA sites? This is the only one I've heard of. PM me with information on this. I'd love to hear more about an SA site that's actually accepting.
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Old 04-29-2017, 05:41 AM   #30
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Modraneth- people "growing old" together is the idea of marriage or any long term relationship. NOBODY is going to look the same after thirty years together. Most people don't look "better". That's part of the concept of LTR...you're willing to weather the changes together because the relationship is one that isn't about the physical only.

Are YOU the same as when the relationship first began? Are you "different" somehow? That's to be expected, IMO.

I understand about your libido....and you wanted to know from other men if that can be "gained back" (yes pun).
What I know about marriage is...you can change your perceptions and expectations...just like the physical can change. I have done so in my own relationships.
Had there been some things that were insurmountable? Yes,,, but they had nothing to do with physical attraction. I didn't marry for looks though, so perhaps I'm not really capable of understanding your whole "dilemma". Your wifes weight changed...that was never something you knew could change when you got married? When I read threads like this (and yes there have been others on Dims) I tend to believe the issue must go deeper than the actual number on the scale...as in I read a level of hurt in the post.
Do you feel like you've been "betrayed" somehow? Do you think that is what your spouse's weight loss is about? Perhaps this conversation would be better off to be had with her...because maybe she doesn't understand your feelings.
Both of your feelings are important...and both need to be considered. Her feelings about her own body have to be considered.

If my spouse had cancer, had to have a body part removed because of it, should I leave him? I make this comparison because weight loss is viewed as a health issue (It definitely is for me with my health problems)
Simple answer is no. OF course not...we got married. You're supposed to stick it out. But sticking it out isn't just one person's responsibility. BOTH parties have to work hard to make it work.
Marriage involves two people- that means two people doing what's best for both parties that includes good health and long life .... not just physical attraction.

I get the point another poster made about some changes being so big, they might end a marriage. I can agree with that point because the point I was hoping to make about marriage is that it's not "simple" and sometimes not even that "romantic" of a notion. It's working to stay together....and that will be far from easy on many days.

Yes,of course, your spouse should be considered when making any big lifestyle decision. You should be supportive of your spouse when they are doing something for themselves that will help to make them happier and healthier- whether it's physical or mental. The idea of loving another person means you gain some level of happiness from their happiness...and vice versa
The idea of compromise isn't about someone giving up everything about themselves to please another. That's not possible and doesn't make marriage look like a good decision for anyone (IMO).
What have you gained from your wife losing weight? Anything? Can you now go for long walks together or do some other physical things together now that you couldn't before? Not all change is bad. It's hard to look for the other side of the coin when you're hurt. I know from personal experience...but I also know it's possible

As to "getting off track" I thought "expectations of a marriage" were quite pertinent to the conversation. My apologies for digressing though in your thread Modraneth. Good luck to your and your Lady

ETA: I didn't read Happily Married's post until after I made this one. I was wondering how he would respond and agree with him
Thank you for taking the time to respond. Our therapist explained that, as you said, there are certain things in a marriage that will be absolute deal breakers. She called these core values. A relationship will inevitably end if the core values are at odds. My preference is not a core value. It is part of who I am, but it isn't everything I am. I think that is why I was so angry at myself because I am a strong proponent of size acceptance and yet when my wife is a few pounds from being underweight I lost all interest. I see the hypocrisy in it. I know I have to mature and accept things as they are. Obviously stopping the porn as our therapist suggested was key too. Your cancer analogy is apt. Thank you. I just really wanted to know if anyone has been through this and how they dealt with it.
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Old 04-29-2017, 05:48 AM   #31
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My preference is not a core value.
Thank you. That information is helpful, and it outlines that much of what I said probably doesn't apply in your case.
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Old 04-29-2017, 06:03 AM   #32
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There are other SA sites? This is the only one I've heard of. PM me with information on this. I'd love to hear more about an SA site that's actually accepting.
It is not often that I will be openly confrontational online (or in person) but I'm calling you out on this comment. This is as cheap as a Tijuana whore. You know fully that YOU could PM OP and ask for the same information (not to mention do a google search on your own and see what else is out there) but just needed to get a shot in against a site that has actually treated you pretty well.

A lot of members here actually gave you pretty solid advice in response to some of the issues you raised. Rather than take any of that advice into consideration you explained why none of their advice would work. Some people aren't happy until they're miserable and people who ask for advice but won't consider any of it fit that description to the letter.

FWIW, I've also experienced some hostility from some of the members here on this site but I've also been treated very graciously by many others. And in some cases the same person who will say nice things to me one day will annihilate me for something else the next day because we don't all agree on every little thing.

Also consider this: the inflexibility of your position (as stated elsewhere in this forum) is likely a caution flag to many of the regulars here. It makes no difference that your actual preference happens to align to many of their bodies. The inflexibility that would lead you to accept them is the same inflexibility that leads countless others to reject them. It's two different sides of the same coin. The preference itself is just an outward manifestation of that.

Okay, I'll say no more. I hope you find what you're looking for but with your obscene specifications for what you consider acceptable...well happy hunting. OP, my apologies for sending your thread on a little detour.
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Old 04-29-2017, 06:10 AM   #33
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Thank you. This is the best advice I have received. It is definitely a question of mental health and being comfortable in one's skin. Her being happy is ultimately what I want. At the same time, I think removing porn, weight gain fantasy has improved things and I feel far more interested in her. Those images and stories were creating unrealistic ideals the same way a husband who found slim and fit women attractive looking at swimsuit models with a wife who was overweight. I still working at conditioning myself but it is working so far. Thanks again.
Definitely. I think you're definitely doing the right thing here. At the end of the day you want things to work out between you and your wife and a big part of that is a self assessment of what YOU can do on your end to help things along. Keep working on these things. You may not ever be fully over it: it may take constant resolve to stay away from those things. Some days are not going to be as good as others and those are the days you may think, "what's one look?" Stay strong and think about the long term prize to be had!
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Old 04-29-2017, 07:09 AM   #34
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Don't worry I copied the text from another place that isn't so judgmental. I have to say that for a size acceptance site there are many judgmental people here. I didn't expect sympathy on this, but I didn't expect the level of sniping either.
The difference on Dims is that you don't only have the fat paysite-models who cater to the fetish.

But many real-life fat women as members, who participate in discussions here and stand their ground when it comes to reducing women to their physical appearance.

Many of them are simply sick and tired of being reduced to how they look - be it critical from general society for being fat. Or only admired by FAs because they are at their fattest possible.

This is an experience men simply cannot relate to from personal knowledge.
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Old 04-29-2017, 09:00 AM   #35
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I wrote this in my blog back in 2012 (I won't link it because I think it's agains the rules), but reading this thread reminded me of it, so I had to go back to refresh my memory to see if it was relevant to this thread, and I believe it somewhat is.

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Guys, your bodies will go through change, just as mine has done over the years. I lost a significant amount of weight an muscle tone when I was in the midst of my radiation (treatment for cancer). My body changed drastically. I was engaged to a woman who looked far beyond the changes my body was going through, and loved me and remained attracted to me throughout. As a result, we were married for almost 13 years, and I have a wonderful daughter to show for it.

As I aged, other women who were in my life watched me and my body age, and go through changes as well. Iíve gained and lost weight and muscle tone, my hair went on hiatus years ago. I grew thick hair in my nose and ears. All the women who truly loved me never noticed, and even if they did, they didnít care.


I learned that they deserved the same from me, especially if they truly loved me.
I think that women have a much better ability to connect lust & love, whereas men like to keep it separate. Years ago, I'd make a judgment call on that, saying that men should try harder (and really they should), but I also realize that it took a long time to get me to that point, and perhaps some men aren't in the same place in their journey as I am. I do know that my fiancee is going to be undergoing bariatric surgery soon, and for me, nothing will change, definitely not our sex life. She's hot to me for who she is, as much as how she looks.
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Old 04-29-2017, 10:12 AM   #36
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Back to the OP its your wife's body she can lose weight if she wants to.
If you fall out of love with her over her weight loss what does that say about you as a person?
It says you don't love her for who she is as a person and that does make you an asshole.
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Old 04-29-2017, 12:03 PM   #37
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I'm just monitoring this thread to see how long it is before bigmac chimes in to mention his wife's fake knockers.
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Old 04-29-2017, 12:58 PM   #38
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Also consider this: the inflexibility of your position...
Yeah, see, I've mentioned this multiple times, and you continue not to understand it. This is not a position we're talking about here. My feelings just work differently. That's all. I spent fifteen years trying my darnedest to try to change that, purely for pragmatic/spiritual reasons, and the end result was a big ol' goose egg, so if you want to suggest some kind of specific mental, or emotional discipline, which I might not have tried, go ahead, but all I'm seeing is a lot of angry, bitter condemnation of people whose emotional state is stuck in park.

I have no control over what I feel for/about. None of my friends or relatives have any idea what that would be like. I still don't believe such a thing is really possible, and I don't blame anyone for feeling badly when they see someone whose appearance makes them feel sad or upset. I blame them for mistreating people on that basis, which is what I was referring to just now; mistreatment of someone based on some immutable part of themselves. It is no different from mistreating a person because they hate your favorite TV show, or movie, or love a piece of music you can't stand. These are emotions that are not able to be altered by them, and therefore are not misconduct.

I say this, not out of hostility (for once,) but as clarification. I know I probably shouldn't even care by now, but I really think it would be nice if you actually began to understand that not everyone can warp and twist their emotional state like clay. For some of us, it's determined at birth, and it is, at the very least, impolite of you or anyone to get angry at someone for that.

Now, either grasp this simple truth, or don't, but I'll be looking elsewhere.
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Old 04-29-2017, 01:04 PM   #39
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The difference on Dims is that you don't only have the fat paysite-models who cater to the fetish.

But many real-life fat women as members, who participate in discussions here and stand their ground when it comes to reducing women to their physical appearance.

Many of them are simply sick and tired of being reduced to how they look - be it critical from general society for being fat. Or only admired by FAs because they are at their fattest possible.

This is an experience men simply cannot relate to from personal knowledge.
You seem to be implying that the majority of real-life, fat women consider these important considerations, and all I can say is that if numbers are any indication, that's no longer true, if it ever was.

I could go into more detail on why that is, but it would involve a lot of extra stuff about the history of feminism and its relationship to size acceptance, so for now, I'll leave this point where it is.
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Old 04-29-2017, 01:25 PM   #40
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You seem to be implying that the majority of real-life, fat women consider these important considerations, and all I can say is that if numbers are any indication, that's no longer true, if it ever was.

I could go into more detail on why that is, but it would involve a lot of extra stuff about the history of feminism and its relationship to size acceptance, so for now, I'll leave this point where it is.
What "numbers" back up your statement that women no longer care about if they are being reduced to just their physical appearance? Is that from the Journal of Shit Twoswords Made Up?

Also you've said multiple times that you could support your whackado positions with philosphy or historical evidence but don't want to bog everyone down by explaining. That's​ such a crock. Why don't you just say "believe me" to support your claims it's just as effective! Believe me!
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Old 04-29-2017, 01:33 PM   #41
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What "numbers" back up your statement that women no longer care about if they are being reduced to just their physical appearance? Is that from the Journal of Shit Twoswords Made Up?

Also you've said multiple times that you could support your whackado positions with philosphy or historical evidence but don't want to bog everyone down by explaining. That's​ such a crock. Why don't you just say "believe me" to support your claims it's just as effective! Believe me!
The truth is, for a while, I would post every piece of evidence I found, but I quickly discovered that most people either wouldn't look at the evidence, or would disregard it if they did.

Now, look at what you just wrote. Can you honestly tell me that this angry, condescending reply comes from a person who is ready to put on their specs and spend time studying reports, charts and research? Or would believe any of it if they did?

I don't like to waste my time.
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Old 04-29-2017, 01:41 PM   #42
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The truth is, for a while, I would post every piece of evidence I found, but I quickly discovered that most people either wouldn't look at the evidence, or would disregard it if they did.

Now, look at what you just wrote. Can you honestly tell me that this angry, condescending reply comes from a person who is ready to put on their specs and spend time studying reports, charts and research? Or would believe any of it if they did?

I don't like to waste my time.
Try presenting the evidence and maybe people won't get annoyed and call you out for it. Or maybe you just spew all this pseudo intellectual crap to make selfishness seem noble and justified?
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Old 04-30-2017, 04:48 AM   #43
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The difference on Dims is that you don't only have the fat paysite-models who cater to the fetish.

But many real-life fat women as members, who participate in discussions here and stand their ground when it comes to reducing women to their physical appearance.

Many of them are simply sick and tired of being reduced to how they look - be it critical from general society for being fat. Or only admired by FAs because they are at their fattest possible.

This is an experience men simply cannot relate to from personal knowledge.
I think there is a lot of truth here. I had a long talk with my wife about this and the threads on both sites. She is in the camp of basically not understanding why it matters so much what she looks like. My post was about coming to grips with my feelings and working toward acceptance of this. It wasn't looking for people to basically say, well she should gain weight to save your marriage. That's not on her. This is a problem that is almost entirely on me. I say almost because my wife has said herself that she uses her body as validation for how successful she is. She basically told me that she has to stop doing this. It's one of the reasons why she is hypercritical. My non-acceptance of her change in size has obviously not made this easy.

I think that I was unfair to Dimensions. I felt unnecessarily attacked for having certain feelings, feelings I cannot help but have. I can understand if I had posted wanting my wife to gain for purely selfish reasons, but I am working toward acceptance. But I can also understand, however, women being resentful toward men who put so much emphasis on looks. Women are inundated with images of what is acceptable beauty from a young age. They are told how to look. Men are similarly conditioned to want this acceptable beauty. The responses to both threads I posted are telling. Men are more interested in the physical aspects- more drawn to them seemingly (not in all cases but this seems to be the norm). This seems to be how men are wired.

In any case, the advice I have received is well taken. I don't want to be dominated by my preference. I don't want to be the person who isn't happy because his wife isn't a certain way because ultimately that is going to be make us both miserable. I want to love her as she is. This is a size acceptance site, but I failed to accept my wife the same way society frowns upon both obesity and ultra-thinness. I won't get into a skinny shaming debate, but my wife has dealt with more judgment from with regard to her body now than when she was 145 lbs. Anyway, thanks again. I think we'll be OK.
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Old 04-30-2017, 04:52 AM   #44
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Men are more interested in the physical aspects- more drawn to them seemingly (not in all cases but this seems to be the norm). This seems to be how men are wired.
I think that's right.

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I don't want to be the person who isn't happy because his wife isn't a certain way because ultimately that is going to be make us both miserable.
I don't think anyone wants to be unhappy for any reason. At least I know I don't.

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Anyway, thanks again. I think we'll be OK.
Yes. It sounds like you will be.
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Old 04-30-2017, 05:03 AM   #45
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The difference on Dims is that you don't only have the fat paysite-models who cater to the fetish.

But many real-life fat women as members, who participate in discussions here and stand their ground when it comes to reducing women to their physical appearance.

Many of them are simply sick and tired of being reduced to how they look - be it critical from general society for being fat. Or only admired by FAs because they are at their fattest possible.

This is an experience men simply cannot relate to from personal knowledge.
This is a good observation and very similar to one GEF made elsewhere recently.

Early on as I was coming out with my preference for fat women I made the mistake of thinking they'd find my preference endearing. What I failed to realize is fat women don't want to be treated like fat women: they want to be treated like women. There was never any need for me to deliberately express my admiration for a certain feature on her body, tell her how excited the size of it was, etc. She already knew anyway. They wanted me to love them the person, not a body part or characteristic. Thankfully I figured this out eventually, but not before some embarrassing moments.

I think a lot of FA's make the same mistake I made back when I was still new to dating fat women. They run the risk of being dismissed as a fetishist who may claim to enjoy fat women, but will do so only privately. I've gotten in trouble here for before for making a distinction between a fat fetish and preference even though I make no values judgment one way or the other about either. I only raise this point because in this setting, if a woman suspects one has a fetish it may well trigger the defense mechanisms and you can kiss goodbye any shot of getting to know her better. Ask me how I know.

Now obviously the more you get to know someone the more you can say and express. This is one of the reasons I like being married so much. I can make comments about my wife's body, her size, shape, etc and because I have the time investment in her I don't get shut down. As I've said repeatedly: She doesn't like her weight, but she knows I do and since I'm not going elsewhere to express/show love she doesn't dismiss my admiration for her as patronizing. She used to, but that has changed. She even seems to enjoy it in certain situations. And ultimately she knows this: if she lost weight my attitude toward her wouldn't change. I'd be her biggest supporter and she knows it.

I honestly think OP is in tune with this and looking for the right balance of emotions, support, personal preference, and loyalty to his wife. It's tough, but I won't be hard on him because I legitimately believe he's trying.

Here's that post GEF made. It speaks to the equivalency between men who pressure their wives when they gain weight (we consider these men to be assholes) but they're really no different than men who pressure their wives to stay fat or actively gain. A lot of FAs tend to be soft on those men due to common interests but it's really not different than men who nag at their fat wives to lose weight:

http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/fo...3&postcount=21
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Old 04-30-2017, 05:11 AM   #46
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And ultimately she knows this: if she lost weight my attitude toward her wouldn't change. I'd be her biggest supporter and she knows it.
As I've said before, I couldn't be happier for you, that you have this enviable power. It sounds like the OP does as well, given what he said in his last two replies.

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...men who pressure their wives to stay fat or actively gain.
If any form of pressure were involved, it would be a rather one-sided relationship.
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Old 05-07-2017, 06:24 AM   #47
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IMHO : If you really love that person, you will love their body regardless of their size.
So I have a little question, what if that person switch gender, you will be in love and ready for sex :-) ?



I just love reading you people, your briliant ideas and projections of ideal life ;-)
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Old 05-07-2017, 07:10 AM   #48
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I see this thread keeps getting more intelligent.
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Old 05-07-2017, 07:18 AM   #49
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So I have a little question, what if that person switch gender, you will be in love and ready for sex :-) ?



I just love reading you people, your briliant ideas and projections of ideal life ;-)

Actually, IF you are truly in love, you'd likely have known well beforehand about your loved one's desires to change genders. Additionally, IF you LOVE them, you'd love them with those changes.

I feel sorry for those of you who have yet to experience what real love is like.
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Old 05-07-2017, 09:07 AM   #50
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I am a Biromantic Asexual and I did not link Love and Sex in my post.
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