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Old 08-22-2017, 07:20 AM   #1
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Default High # of dims people?

Hey I'm looking at moving out of my current region. I hate the fucking humid heat. The snow is not as rewarding as I hoped. I miss the weather of California.

Anddddd the people I've been dating have been immature commitmentphobes, or exhaustingly clingy and insecure.

I'm sick of being lonely in New York City. My work is rewarding but not enough to keep me here if the people aren't enough.

Where should I go? Where is a place you've lived that you've been happy? Where the dateable people are quality people who aren't in a state of existential crisis, and are wanting something more meaningful than an endless carousel of dating around looking for the next best thing? A place where community matters and life isn't an exhausting rat race?

I no longer am willing to be someone's placeholder "good enough" til someone more spectacular comes along. I'm looking for someone who wants me and is willing to work on a relationship, not give up once the going gets tough or something more shiny and new comes along. I am a creative and hard working person, eccentric and sometimes a little spontaneous. All my recent partners have been like "you're a great partner, but I can't deal w commitment and you deserve better" and I'm like, ok, you apparently are both the judge of what I consider good enough for myself, as well as what is good enough for you hahaha. Thanks for the mansplain.

I'm fucking sick of men telling me what I want, and yet unable to reassure me of what *they* want.

Fortunately I'm queer so my options are quite open in the dating world. But I'm not having much luck with women or NB folks either, so I'm just in a pickle.
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Old 08-22-2017, 07:23 AM   #2
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Also title of thread refers to my unasked question, where in the country is there a high concentration of dims people?
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Old 08-22-2017, 07:27 AM   #3
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Also I'm pretty sure some people on here will be like "hey check out meeeee" in which case I invite you to reach out. But be forewarned I am not interested in an intentional gaining relationship, at least not one that isn't earnestly mutual. No skinny feeders desired.
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Old 08-22-2017, 08:52 AM   #4
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I don't know that the activity levels here are high enough anymore to be a very good predictor of meeting up with other fat accepting folk? (Also, the region that always struck me as having a lot going on was the Boston area, which is still going to have the damp heat in the Summer and slightly more snow. The only other area where I know of Dims members hanging out semi-regularly is Toronto, which has the weather even moreso plus immigration issues).

Given what you said about weather and people in general in NYC, I almost feel like you should look at places you'd like to move to, then figure which of them has the most fat community?

I would think that the most active size related site currently would likely be Feabie. It has its issues, but usefully for you maybe is that it does make everyone put in a location. I'd think that with some inventiveness you could figure out some areas with more people in the generally fat community?

(also: sorry that NYC has been bringing you down)

ETA: Wherever you go, people will tend to be people, so a change of scene may not mean a change of issues to deal with ...
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Old 08-22-2017, 09:51 AM   #5
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If you're looking for a permanent relationship, you need to be not only someplace where there are potential partners, but where there are potential partners who are ready to settle down. The problem with big cities like NYC, SF, etc. is that they are places to start a career: people come there from all over because that's where the jobs are. So you have a lot of young guys/gals who are just starting a career, trying to pay off college loans, and in no financial position to commit themselves to anyone or anything. Plus, they may still have some wild oats to sow.
On the basis of my (admittedly limited) experience, I think your best bet would be a college town or state capital (or both, like Providence). You have a reliable employer of people who are not required to move frequently as part of their job. This means a lot of people who are planning to stay put, invest in a house, and find somebody to share it with. Plus a college furnishes cultural and athletic events that offer frequent opportunities to meet new people: something's always going on. If you like California weather, CU has campuses all over: Fullerton, Irvine, or Riverside might work for you. Good luck!
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Old 08-22-2017, 01:38 PM   #6
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There's a bunch of us down here in Texas. Texas is a demographically "fat" state, and aside from isolated pretentious and snooty areas, I've never felt out of place due to my size.

But Summer sucks. It hasn't been below 85 in the daytime since the early half of May and won't be again until the later half of October.

As far as dateable people? There are players and incompatible people everywhere. Small towns, big cities, and from shore to shore. My suggestion is find a place YOU feel comfortable, with a big enough population that it's not the same bunch of singles rotating through each other in a dating cycle.
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Old 08-22-2017, 07:17 PM   #7
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How about dating outside your comfort zone for a different type of person.
Most guys now have no spine and are too wishy washy and quite frankly Momma's boys.
My last long term BF was older than me ex military and and very rigid and steadfast.
Had his opinions and stuck to a plan when he did something.
I so needed that when I met him I was a wreck, not only strung out on drugs and booze but to the point that I didn't care if I lived or died.
He was my rock and drug me out of that hole I was in. Basically saved my life.
He was not one I would have even considered dating because he was 20 years older than me.
I am so thankful he was part of my life for a while.
Oh and he supported me when I told him I wanted to gain weight. No games or telling me I couldn't do it.
He said do what makes you happy because love is the most important thing one can have.
I love you and nothing will change that he told me and every time I think about him I get all misty eyed.
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Old 08-22-2017, 08:29 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by Tracii View Post
How about dating outside your comfort zone for a different type of person.
Most guys now have no spine and are too wishy washy and quite frankly Momma's boys.
My last long term BF was older than me ex military and and very rigid and steadfast.
Had his opinions and stuck to a plan when he did something.
I so needed that when I met him I was a wreck, not only strung out on drugs and booze but to the point that I didn't care if I lived or died.
He was my rock and drug me out of that hole I was in. Basically saved my life.
He was not one I would have even considered dating because he was 20 years older than me.
I am so thankful he was part of my life for a while.
Oh and he supported me when I told him I wanted to gain weight. No games or telling me I couldn't do it.
He said do what makes you happy because love is the most important thing one can have.
I love you and nothing will change that he told me and every time I think about him I get all misty eyed.
Oh believe me that isn't at all my problem. Quite the opposite in fact. I've dated an extraordinary variety of people "outside my comfort zone."

Anyway. Thanks for the thoughtful responses everyone I'll respond tomorrow - got sucked into a project tonight.
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Old 08-22-2017, 11:28 PM   #9
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OK I didn't know for sure so its good to know you have tried other things.
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Old 08-23-2017, 04:51 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr. Feelgood View Post
The problem with big cities like NYC, SF, etc. is that they are places to start a career: people come there from all over because that's where the jobs are. So you have a lot of young guys/gals who are just starting a career, trying to pay off college loans, and in no financial position to commit themselves to anyone or anything. Plus, they may still have some wild oats to sow.
!
Yes this validates my own experience. A lot of people here are impermanent.

That, and of the permanentish people I have dated, I have dated a few people who are experiencing "failure to launch" as well. And that doesn't concern me quite as much but it does leave me feeling like despite leaving no rock unturned I can't find someone to be with.
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Old 08-23-2017, 06:12 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by Tad View Post
I don't know that the activity levels here are high enough anymore to be a very good predictor of meeting up with other fat accepting folk? (Also, the region that always struck me as having a lot going on was the Boston area, which is still going to have the damp heat in the Summer and slightly more snow. The only other area where I know of Dims members hanging out semi-regularly is Toronto, which has the weather even moreso plus immigration issues).

Given what you said about weather and people in general in NYC, I almost feel like you should look at places you'd like to move to, then figure which of them has the most fat community?

I would think that the most active size related site currently would likely be Feabie. It has its issues, but usefully for you maybe is that it does make everyone put in a location. I'd think that with some inventiveness you could figure out some areas with more people in the generally fat community?

(also: sorry that NYC has been bringing you down)

ETA: Wherever you go, people will tend to be people, so a change of scene may not mean a change of issues to deal with ...


What are folks experiences with feabie? I have had fine experiences with it...kinda. Have met some decent folk.

But thematically I am seeing lots of people with Failure to Launch syndrome, which is endemic in my generation of course. And I don't have a problem dating someone who lives with mom! That's fine by me.

But most of these people in this situation have their own internalized self hatred for it that has proven an obstacle. Three otherwise eligible dates have been so wrapped up in their "I can't provide for myself so no I can't be dating seriously" ideas that I am at a loss for how to continue. Professionally I'm a dynamo and I care a lot about my work and I could help them find work if they were willing to go outside *their* comfort zones. I literally help people get employed for a living. But I don't push or anything, or even let it be an ongoing topic of conversation unless they bring it up.

Those I've met from Feabie not plagued by this? Generally looking to sow their seed in a way that's incompatible with my needs.
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Old 08-23-2017, 06:13 AM   #12
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I'm not sure if it is still the case, but traditionally the bigger the city, the more young single women outnumbered young single men. Young men apparently being more likely to stay near home where their networks were fairly good at getting guys into jobs, while women were more apt to move to big cities for opportunities. I don't know if that has changed, but it might make the dating scene in NYC that extra bit challenging if it has not.

ETA: re: feabie, I wasn't really trying to push it as a way to meet people, more as a way to gauge where the people/community is located, geographically. i.e. if you are considering moving to Kansas City, try to see if there are any/many posters from there, what sort of vibe you get from them about fat in that area, etc. (it seems to be a very strange community. I'm sure people do meet there, as people have met at Dimensions, on fan-fic boards, and all sorts of other places around the web. But the constant cocktail party mode of discussion favours those with a lot of time on their hands, which makes for an odd community I think. Mind you my perception could be coloured by the fact that, in contrast with Dimensions posters from my city who have been quite staid generally, two of the larger drama sources on Feabie come from my city. So my local feed has been .... odd, and not generally anywhere I'd encourage anyone to try and meet someone local)
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Old 08-23-2017, 11:20 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tracii View Post
How about dating outside your comfort zone for a different type of person.
Most guys now have no spine and are too wishy washy and quite frankly Momma's boys.
My last long term BF was older than me ex military and and very rigid and steadfast.
Had his opinions and stuck to a plan when he did something.
I so needed that when I met him I was a wreck, not only strung out on drugs and booze but to the point that I didn't care if I lived or died.
He was my rock and drug me out of that hole I was in. Basically saved my life.
He was not one I would have even considered dating because he was 20 years older than me.
I am so thankful he was part of my life for a while.
Oh and he supported me when I told him I wanted to gain weight. No games or telling me I couldn't do it.
He said do what makes you happy because love is the most important thing one can have.
I love you and nothing will change that he told me and every time I think about him I get all misty eyed.

It's terrible that the relationship didn't work out for you. He sounded like a really quality guy.
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Old 08-24-2017, 09:10 AM   #14
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Also title of thread refers to my unasked question, where in the country is there a high concentration of dims people?
Do they have to be exclusively dims people? Could it be an area where there are just great people to meet, befriend, and possibly date? I mean, I know I'm not the best person in this community when it comes to understanding the mindset of FA's the world over. I'm certainly learning where I fit on the spectrum between fat shaming and having orgasms just looking at fat. But I'd consider myself a fairly forward thinker, tolerant, somewhat creative, and all around an inclusive type of person. But does that make me (or anyone else in my region) a dims person. I don't know. I can't judge for someone else.

I will say that after being in the military most of my adult life and having lived in several states (and countries) I would say that the Midwest would be a great place to live in the respect that you are asking (yes, even with it's concentration of conservatives and old school thinkers). That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
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Old 08-24-2017, 02:26 PM   #15
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I am assuming Molly just meant fat friendly.

If it’s for a partner stick with bigger cities. Just due to the larger (pun) number of people means more likely to find larger people. I have made reference to this in other thread but in larger cities, fewer people seem to stare at me when I am with a larger partner.

I love Feabie, but I am a guy. So I don’t really have the horror stories many women have. I like Feabie, because I don’t have to explain that I am attracted to fat women. If someone goes to Feabie they should have a good idea already. I think the needing to sew oats is an issue with all (online?) dating.

The downside of the Midwest is the humidity in July and August. It sucks when in the morning the temperature is 70 but the humidity is 90%, and you sweat while just walking. And I am in shape. The south has the highest rates of obesity, but politics.
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Old 08-25-2017, 10:34 AM   #16
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Question Enlighten me...

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What are folks experiences with feabie? I have had fine experiences with it...kinda. Have met some decent folk.

But thematically I am seeing lots of people with Failure to Launch syndrome, which is endemic in my generation of course. And I don't have a problem dating someone who lives with mom! That's fine by me.

But most of these people in this situation have their own internalized self hatred for it that has proven an obstacle. Three otherwise eligible dates have been so wrapped up in their "I can't provide for myself so no I can't be dating seriously" ideas that I am at a loss for how to continue. Professionally I'm a dynamo and I care a lot about my work and I could help them find work if they were willing to go outside *their* comfort zones. I literally help people get employed for a living. But I don't push or anything, or even let it be an ongoing topic of conversation unless they bring it up.

Those I've met from Feabie not plagued by this? Generally looking to sow their seed in a way that's incompatible with my needs.
When you say Failure to Launch Syndrome, are you talking marriage?
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Old 08-26-2017, 09:33 AM   #17
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Failure To Launch refers to young adults not leaving their parents' house and starting to live on their own. It has been prevalent in Japan and much of Europe (especially Italy) for decades, and now is increasing in the US and Canada.

It is more of a problem with young men than it is among young women, and pundits try to blame video games for Failure To Launch.

But they can't ignore that the cost of housing has skyrocketed while service industry wages have plummeted, and the fact that many service employers refuse to hire men (illegal de jure, but not enforced).
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Old 08-26-2017, 09:56 AM   #18
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I have this issue, as well. I am a lab rat, and completely dedicated to my career. The men I tend to get crushes on are usually the doctors I work for/with. They have the qualities I look for - leadership, caring, and brilliant. But, we know professionalism must remain in the workplace. I am probably going to remain single. Being a lab rat, I don't have the best flirting skills...lol
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Old 08-26-2017, 09:43 PM   #19
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From what I've seen on Dimensions since the '90s, I'd say that 1) California cities, 2) NYC, and 3) Boston seem to have the most active size-acceptance networks and fat-friendly resources.
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Old 08-28-2017, 08:27 AM   #20
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I have this issue, as well. I am a lab rat, and completely dedicated to my career. The men I tend to get crushes on are usually the doctors I work for/with. They have the qualities I look for - leadership, caring, and brilliant. But, we know professionalism must remain in the workplace. I am probably going to remain single. Being a lab rat, I don't have the best flirting skills...lol
I have a similar problem. I absolutely ADORE intelligent women. There seems to be an endless supply of them where I work (an immense midwestern hospital that is colocated with a university medical school). The proble is that I am not a doctor or professor. While not anybody can do the job that I do, people have the impression that I'm not that educated because of the department I work in. Granted, I'm no one's idea of handsome either but geeze am I that freakin' bad? If I wasn't such an optimist, I'd have a complex (and I don mean a mesoscale convective complex).
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Old 08-28-2017, 09:13 AM   #21
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I have a similar problem. I absolutely ADORE intelligent women. There seems to be an endless supply of them where I work (an immense midwestern hospital that is colocated with a university medical school). The proble is that I am not a doctor or professor. While not anybody can do the job that I do, people have the impression that I'm not that educated because of the department I work in. Granted, I'm no one's idea of handsome either but geeze am I that freakin' bad? If I wasn't such an optimist, I'd have a complex (and I don mean a mesoscale convective complex).
In the medical industry, your title is HUGE! To a level that it's borderline funny, if you have a warped sense of humor. I could go massively off topic on that.
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Old 08-28-2017, 09:27 AM   #22
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I have a similar problem. I absolutely ADORE intelligent women. There seems to be an endless supply of them where I work (an immense midwestern hospital that is colocated with a university medical school). The proble is that I am not a doctor or professor. While not anybody can do the job that I do, people have the impression that I'm not that educated because of the department I work in. Granted, I'm no one's idea of handsome either but geeze am I that freakin' bad? If I wasn't such an optimist, I'd have a complex (and I don mean a mesoscale convective complex).
I wonder if you work with/for WSU?
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Old 08-28-2017, 09:43 AM   #23
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Kat, I'd say that as much as possible you need to find ways to socialize that are outside of the usual workplace situation. Like, if there are social clubs there of one sort or another, one-off open lectures or seminars, etc. Basically situations where you are there as you <name> not as you<job title, department>.

And a lucky rabbits foot might not hurt, either ...
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Old 08-28-2017, 09:54 AM   #24
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In the medical industry, your title is HUGE! To a level that it's borderline funny, if you have a warped sense of humor. I could go massively off topic on that.
You are correct. I was typing this whole treatise on this subject and realized it was totally off topic. But I have noticed what you are saying.
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Old 08-28-2017, 09:58 AM   #25
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I wonder if you work with/for WSU?
And WSU stands for ...? I do work closely with elements of WUSM. Are we talking the same entity?
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