A little story

[Butterbelly]

I have a little story to tell the ladies who circulate through Dim. Chat.

About 2.5 months ago, I met a guy in chat who seemed to be truly "nice" and real. I chatted with him often, mostly late at night since he didn't live in the US. We talked about all kinds of things from similiar interests, to travel, to more personal stories. He told me his mother had a stroke and how she was living in a nursing home and how his father had moved in with her to help take care of her. I felt sorry for him given the situation. He also told me about how he felt very alone now that his parents weren't around as much, etc. Again, I felt sorry for him.

About a month after talking to him, he up and disappeared. I never heard from him again. Of course, I was concerned since I knew he was having a difficult time. I never saw his chat handle in dim. chat again.

About 2 weeks after he disappeared....I found out he was back in the room under a different chat handle, and was chatting with women, but this time he was telling them all kinds of different stories from what he had told me....his mother had cancer...his parents were killed in a car accident, etc. Unfortunately, the scumbag is still chatting.

Ladies, I'm just warning you to be very cautious of the so-called "nice" guys you meet in there. I realize that it's the internet and that people portray themselves as they want....but don't let them do it at your expense.

And this doesn't go for just the ladies. I've heard horror stories from different men too.

[SamanthaNY]

As we are all abundantly aware right now - switching chat handles with the intent of deceiving others is against the rules, and will get one's sorry, smelly ass rightfully banned.

Whoever the subject of you story is, report him to an Op. I imagine they're in a rather show-no-mercy kinda mood now, thanks to recent events.

[Turin]

If you can pm with the name(s) of the offending chatter, I can have a... talk... with him.

[BeaBea]

Umm, I'm hopelessly non-techie about these things but is there any way for Conrad to log an an IP address and associate it with a chat handle? I know there are some Dim chatters who share a PC who might need a work-around, but is that the sort of thing that might help?

Sorry, I rarely chat in Dim, but these dreadful stories about the deceptive lengths some chatters will go to horrify me!

Tracey

[Turin]

Originally Posted by BeaBea

Umm, I'm hopelessly non-techie about these things but is there any way for Conrad to log an an IP address and associate it with a chat handle? I know there are some Dim chatters who share a PC who might need a work-around, but is that the sort of thing that might help?

Sorry, I rarely chat in Dim, but these dreadful stories about the deceptive lengths some chatters will go to horrify me!

Tracey

THe problem with associating IP addresses to a chat handle is that they change. The other problem is that even if we have an associated IP (eg someone gets banned but keeps returning on the same night) we often can't do anything other than continue to kick that person individually. This is because we have to be very judicious with IP bans. I have learned the hard way. IP bans prevent anyone on the same network from accessing Dims, thus causing real problems for very large ISPs like MSN or AOL.

[BeaBea]

Originally Posted by Turin

IP bans prevent anyone on the same network from accessing Dims, thus causing real problems for very large ISPs like MSN or AOL.

Eeek, I see your point. Sorry, was just an idea, I should have guessed that better qualified people than me were already hard at work on the problem...

Much respect to all Ops and Mods here, its a thankless task at the best of times!

Tracey xx

[Ample Pie]

Of course, I respect the Ops and Mods as well. I'm very appreciative of what they all do. So this isn't meant toward them, just a heads up--The 'nice' man in question was around again this morning.

[Butterbelly]

I, too, respect the chat ops and board mods. I saw him on again last night and the night before. I've personally PMed all of the women in the room when he is in there and warned them that he is bad news. That's all I can really do.

[Turin]

My timing must really stink.. I havent seen him since we talked

[Butterbelly]

He's on late at night...about 11pm EST to the wee hours of the morning.

[ThatFatGirl]

I just can't believe this is the SAME clown that duped me about 4 years ago... He is still around doing the same song and dance (under new names of course).

BEWARE.

[Ample Pie]

Originally Posted by Butterbelly

He's on late at night...about 11pm EST to the wee hours of the morning.

Ahem, yes, like right now.

[SamanthaNY]

Originally Posted by ThatFatGirl

I just can't believe this is the SAME clown that duped me about 4 years ago... He is still around doing the same song and dance (under new names of course).

BEWARE.

It seems quite clear that this putz is a real problem, and eradicating him from the website is difficult, if not impossible.

Since he's obvisouly tenacious, the potential for him to cause harm to another woman seems high. Can we start giving concrete information here, so he can be avoided? I realize we don't want the site turned into some sort of man-bashing "girl, don't date him!" sort of world, but this guy's rep seems to warrant a bit more intervention.

What's the protocol? Mods? Ops?

[Turin]

Originally Posted by SamanthaNY

It seems quite clear that this putz is a real problem, and eradicating him from the website is difficult, if not impossible.

Since he's obvisouly tenacious, the potential for him to cause harm to another woman seems high. Can we start giving concrete information here, so he can be avoided? I realize we don't want the site turned into some sort of man-bashing "girl, don't date him!" sort of world, but this guy's rep seems to warrant a bit more intervention.

What's the protocol? Mods? Ops?

I don't know of any specific protocol here, but speaking completely for myself, I don't know of any rules in the chat room that forbid the passing of information related to a bad experience. It seems we have tons of those discussions and I have never seen any quarter given or feelings spared.

BTW, I posted this in the Ops forum so that any Ops taht are up late can find the guy.. if you see him just call for an op in the room.. if one is lurking they should appear.

[Butterbelly]

I spoke with Miriel again last night regarding this situation. She wanted to know more specifics of what he had done that I felt violated the rules. I told her that his malicious lies and changing his chat idenity should be enough to warrant some concern, especially since I'm far from the only woman he has done this to. As ThatFatGirl mentioned, he has been around for a long time. He never speaks in the room, and only PMs women. Pretty much, he lurks around and watches the conversations and picks out a bbw he finds attractive.

Miriel informed me that this particular "nice" guy doesn't have the two identities anymore and only goes by the one chat handle, and if she should ban him, he'll just come back under another chat handle, and this time we wouldn't have a clue who he is. She told me the best option is to warn all the ladies when he is on...the long-time chatters, and definitely the newer chatters. I've done this every single night he has been on lately. But, of course, most of the women want to know why he is bad news...I've given them a brief summary of his insane behavior.

I'm hoping that he'll get the hint and go away when very few women talk to him. But, it hasn't stopped him in the past, and I highly doubt it will stop him in the future. I can't be on every single minute this guy is on warning women he is bad news.

So, I'm thinking that maybe if we start like a network of us women who inform other chatters when I'm not around, maybe word will spread much faster. It's the only thing I can think of doing.

Otherwise, what are we going to do about this guy????

[Butterbelly]

Originally Posted by Turin

I don't know of any specific protocol here, but speaking completely for myself, I don't know of any rules in the chat room that forbid the passing of information related to a bad experience. It seems we have tons of those discussions and I have never seen any quarter given or feelings spared.

BTW, I posted this in the Ops forum so that any Ops taht are up late can find the guy.. if you see him just call for an op in the room.. if one is lurking they should appear.

I did ask to speak to an Op last night about this man. I was told that he basically had violated anything, and that the Op had spoken to him about his two chat handles.

[Jes]

I think a lot of it is caveat emptor...or...uh, caveat chattor, right? I mean, your motivation is great, but people have to try not getting suckered themselves, if possible, until rules are broken.

[Butterbelly]

Originally Posted by Jes

I think a lot of it is caveat emptor...or...uh, caveat chattor, right? I mean, your motivation is great, but people have to try not getting suckered themselves, if possible, until rules are broken.

Gee, maybe that's why I'm warning women about him, so that they don't get suckered in by this guy? What do you think?

[SamanthaNY]

people have to try not getting suckered themselves

What a great idea! Nancy sez Just Say No!




Butterbelly, TFG - why didn't you think of that before?

[Butterbelly]

Sammie...I guess I'm just an idiot.

[FatAndProud]

That's my best advice.

[fatgirlflyin]

Originally Posted by Butterbelly

So, I'm thinking that maybe if we start like a network of us women who inform other chatters when I'm not around, maybe word will spread much faster. It's the only thing I can think of doing.

Otherwise, what are we going to do about this guy????

I think your heart is in the right place here but this kind of thing worries me. Where does it end? Next week when someone feels that they've been lied to and betrayed do they then have the right to "warn" others? I can see something like this getting very ugly very quickly...

[swordchick]

Originally Posted by Ella Bella

I think your heart is in the right place here but this kind of thing worries me. Where does it end? Next week when someone feels that they've been lied to and betrayed do they then have the right to "warn" others? I can see something like this getting very ugly very quickly...

It became ugly long ago. I think anyone has the right to expose these liars. At some point, we have to help each other end this kind of crap. Hurting people has become a game to some people in the chat.

[SamanthaNY]

The network is pretty much in place. I've seen messages of this sort come by already, and I try my best to verify information and pass it to my friends without it becoming something solely to promote spite and/or revenge. I agree with Ella, that it can get out of hand, but since this 'player' behavior (and that goes for men and women) isn't technically against the chatroom rules, then some other protection measures should be in place. Since we're minus any official help in what, to many, seems some of the most egregious personal offenses, I don't know what else we can do besides try to help eachother.

[Webmaster]

Originally Posted by Butterbelly

I have a little story to tell the ladies who circulate through Dim.

My recommendation? Read the Rules of Engagement -- The Thinking Person's Guide to Chat
at least once a week. Or if you don't like to click on links, see the Guide below:

Rules of Engagement -- The Thinking Person's Guide to Chat

This chat is a wonderful thing and you just may make some incredibly terrific friends. Some of you may get luckier yet and meet Mr. or Ms. Right and will live happily ever after. But just like in any place where people gather, that's the exception and not the norm. So dudes and dudettes, let's get real. Let's not make dumb mistakes. Let's not be stupid.

Here are a few hints that will keep you from becoming the next snickered-about example of sad ineptitude, or worse.

This Cheers is just a Holodeck
First and foremost, never ever forget that this is just chat on a computer. A loose community of people who come and go. Some hang out much longer than others, and most have at least some similar interests, but that's about it. This is like Cheers, that old TV bar where everybody knew your name and they were always glad you came. Only, this is virtual Cheers where everybody only knows as much as you tell them and where things aren't always the way they seem, and where you are just words on a screen. Yes, there are real people behind those words, but for all you know, they may be Wizards of Oz, pulling strings and not quite being what they pretend to be. Most, of course are, and some you may have even met. But most you haven't. Keep that in mind. So enjoy those who are always glad you came (well, you know what I mean), but before mortgaging your house for them, do make sure you know their name.

Don't hand out personal info
Second, don't be stupid. Don't hand out personal phone numbers or your address to Mr_Incredibly_Fantastic or Tall Dark & Handsome (or SexySnazzySuzy for that matter) after three minutes of chat. Or three hours.

Don't embarrass yourself
Don't needlessly embarrass yourself by changing your screen handle from say "MarshaBBW" to "SlickWillie's Honey Marsha" or "Property_of_SlickWillie" just because you KNOW he's the ONE for you. You can, of course, and he MAY be, but chances are he ain't, and it's doubly embarrassing when the crowd remembers that three weeks ago you were "BuffBiff'sBedBugMarsha" and before that "Larry'sSweetCuddleMonkeyMarsha." Don't. Think.

Likewise, while individuality is anathema to The Borg, it is a prized commodity here. Handles like "The Puxley Family" or "Jack and Jill" may conjure up warm fuzzies among the Puxley clan or a couple of lovebirds, but to other chatters it's justy plain annoying. They want to know what part of the family or the twosome they're talking to. So remember that you are an individual. Which means you should have your own chat handle. Heck, they're free!

If it sounds too good to be true, it is
Remember that most things that seem too good to be true are. Don't accept marriage proposals from a dude in chat or IM. After he's cleaned up the mess in the morning and thrown out all the empties, he won't even remember who you are.

"No," you might say. "My Bernie is DIFFERENT. He LOVES me and I am the ONE for him, and we'll get MARRIED next week." Cool. But don't come crying when Bernie turns out to be a mooching bum that you can't get rid of. Or if he's already married and sort of forgot to tell you about it.

Limit: one per month!
If you're a person who goes through potential loves-of-you-life very quickly, curb yourself or else chat will run out of people because the former potential-loves-of-your-life may not return to chat for fear of your wrath. Good people, and especially not regulars, should not be driven from chat just because they didn't measure up as long termers. So keep in mind that it's perfectly okay to have friendly relationships without demanding a big commitment right away.

Don't get taken for a ride
Be wary of people who want to come visit you or move in after three days of chat. Be warier yet when--rats--he finds out that he forgot his credit card and could you please pay for his ticket and some other stuff? Remember, most marriage material kind of folks can't just leave a life and a job and show up on your door steps to move in within 48 hours. There's a reason why "Awesome Mike" was so eager to skip town and move in with you. And it ain't necessarily you. Maybe the mounties are after him. Maybe he needs a cheap place to crash. Ditch the bum.

Listen to those who've been there
Keep your eyes open. If it's plainly obvious that someone of either gender simply goes from person to person with the same old pickup line, be wary. There's a reason why things don't work out. Listen to bad experiences others may have had. Not the sour grape kind, but the genuine horror stories. Don't be dumb and champ at the bit to be next in line for the slimer.

And don't latch on to every new chatter
Some folks are always on the lookout for the meat. They latch onto every newcomer, trying to lay a claim on him or her before the competition does. Don't. It just makes you look desperate and word will soon get around about your practices. Nothing wrong to put up your shingle, but pouncing on every newcomer in the hope of being able to proclaim him or her Mr. or Ms. Right in a week or two shows a certain lack of maturity, let alone common sense.

A picture tells a thousand words
Keep that old saying in mind when you pick a pic to put in the sidebar. It's your calling card. Those who don't know you personally will form an image of you based on that pic.

Don't put up with crap
Always remember that you are under no obligations whatsoever to put up with crap from anyone. Just because this is chat doesn't mean people can behave like pigs or boors. That's what the Code of Conduct is for. In there we spell out what goes and what doesn't in this realm. If you don't want to be pestered by someone in PM, tell them. If they don't stop, report them to one of the chat ops and they'll get nuked.

Want some IM candy, little girl?
Beware of folks who have no other interest than to get you to quit chat and follow him or her to his IM account. There are guys who stop by and methodically go down the list of female chatters, soliciting every one of them via PM to leave for IM, without ever contributing anything to the room. Stay clear of such losers.

Do not trust ANYONE!
It is sad that this caution even needs to be part of this list, but it is perhaps the most important caution of them all. Do not trust anyone. And that means ANYONE, not only suspicious characters. Realize that even that nice person you're spilling your heart out to may secretly make a record of your conversation, and your words may then be shared with 50 others, or used against you. Do not trust anyone.

Now go have fun!
All that said, enjoy yourself. There's much fun to be had in chat, and it can be a wonderful thing, a magic place that you can turn to pretty much 24/7. All of the above is just common sense anyway, and of that you have plenty. These Rules were written for those other poor saps, not for you! And if you have additional good advice, let us know so we can add your pearls of wisdom.

Now go chat.