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View Poll Results: If you are fat, when did you become that way?
I was born fat (sung to the tune of "Born Free") 146 63.20%
I became fat as an adult 85 36.80%
Voters: 231. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 11-21-2005, 07:21 AM   #1
saucywench
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Question What is your SA (size acceptance) history?

I thought it would be a good idea to start this thread to learn how we all (OK, those of you who bother to respond) came to this particular community. I've heard many responses from FAs over the years, both on the old boards and in chat, of how they came to realize they were an FA, but I'd like a little more info here. I'd like to hear from both men and women of the background of your awareness of size acceptance, how that brought you to seek out venues such as this, the level of your involvement in SA, and the impact it has made upon your lives.

11/25/2005
Note: I returned last night to respond to my own post, finally. I had composed a rather lengthy, comprehensive, and more eloquent response but, when it was time to preview changes, discovered that I had lost my cable connection and, consequently, everything I had written--major bummer. Nonetheless, I have tried to recompose in essence those same thoughts below.


I got my first home pc in 1995, although it wasn't until a few months after my father died in 1999 that I explored the online world in serious fashion. At the time, however, I sought out venues different from this. I was almost entirely ignorant of the size acceptance community, even though I considered myself an intelligent person, and had been fat all of my life. I knew of NAAFA through magazine articles and some television spots, but in my ignorance and self-loathing I didn't consider myself a candidate for "that type of thing." After spending a few days visiting this other site, I met a man who in time professed to liking fat women, which was quite a novel concept to me. Until this time I had seen the term BBW infrequently at this particular site, but had no idea what the term meant. He proved to be of enough interest to me that I, without judging, listened as he later told me of his secret desire to "grow women." He told me of a chat room called Bulge that he liked to frequent, but it was many months before I bothered to investigate.

Bulge Chat was a room created by kelligrl and was part of the BeSeen network of chatrooms. When I first created my chat name for the room (which, as an aside, happens to be the one I still use), I was visually and psychologically jarred to see women, most even fatter than myself, displaying their (sometimes scantily clad) bodies on the sidebar with impunity. I tell you that it was difficult for me to witness, certainly not to shame or humiliate anyone, but (on the off chance that no one can relate to my feelings) to express how difficult it was to get my mind around the concept that any fat woman would feel at ease in displaying her image in such a manner (let alone to a mixed group of women and men.)

I lurked invisibly for a couple of weeks while my mind accepted this new paradigm. During that time, I noticed how much fun these men and women had interacting with one another. I found myself wanting to join in, to be a part of the fun, so I took tentative steps to interact with them. Thus began my journey into the world of size acceptance.

I can't explain why I chose to remain in Bulge chat, even though in time I learned that there was a BeSeen room geared to more "mainstream" BBWs and FAs. I had already established friendships in Bulge and, even though the topic of gaining wasn't really up my alley, I guess I was learning what I needed to learn there. In time (a period of a couple of years or so) I did migrate over to the general topic chat room, where I remained almost exclusively until BeSeen's demise in August/September of 2002. During that time I also learned of the Dimensions boards, where I eagerly read virtually every post, to gain a greater understanding of the community of which I had de facto become a part.

I don't consider myself an activist for size acceptance in the sense that I don a pink tutu and prance around at weight loss surgery informational meetings, but I do know that I will NEVER again allow another human being (mostly strangers--how incredibly rude, offensive, and ill-mannered!) to attempt to (a) humiliate/degrade/belittle myself or another fat person in my presence or (b) bolster their low self-esteem because of their OWN inadequacies, without putting them in their place/giving them a taste of their own medicine/providing a crash course in tolerance. I know that my responses would vary based either on my general mood at the time or my perception of their level of mental ability to "get it."

I would like to thank everyone who has responded. I appreciate the time you took, and, not to appear ungrateful, ask that you review my questions again. I myself may not have answered them all completely, and will likely edit this post to add more thoughts as they come to mind. I hope that the answers you have provided help others along the road to size acceptance, whether it be from a personal perspective or tolerance for any who don't fit society's artificial and narrowly-defined stereotypes of what is and is not "acceptable."
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11/25/05 10:15am

I knew I'd left out a relevant part that I had mentioned in the original self-reply that I lost. (Damn, that had been a really thorough post, and I'm still mad as hell that I lost it.) In the self-loathing category I mentioned that, at 28, I made the decision to undergo WLS. I know WLS is not normally mentioned on the Main Board, but it is an essential component of my story. I am not inviting a flame war by the telling of this, I just want to relate it as part of my response. If Conrad feels it best, I will cut this part of my post and place it in the WLS forum.

I want to stress how important it is to have that mind/body connection and, contrary to the opinions of so-called experts out there, it is not neccesary to be thin to achieve that. But, at 28, I had no mind/body connection at all, was depressed about myself, and thought that WLS was my own personal salvation toward that end. I "qualified" for the surgery as being morbidly obese enough at 220 pounds (!!!!). I gained 8 more pounds prior to the surgery because I was convinced that I would never be able to "eat that way" again. Over a period of about a year and a half I got down to what was my lowest post-surgical weight--around 165. During and up to that time, I still had no concept of my body--although I could see and feel the changes it was undergoing, I still thought of myself as fat, and acted/reacted accordingly. I think that, in a sense, perhaps this is what many anorexics must experience--I certainly couldn't say for sure.

Over time, of course, as I had the procedure performed for completely wrong reasons, the weight began to creep back. I recall sitting (OK, so I was on the toilet) and noticing that my belly had begun to settle onto my lap once again. I had regained about 15 pounds at the time, and I recall a feeling of resignation, in the sense that I didn't care to do anything about it then and there to prevent even more weight returning. I tell this part, certainly not to provoke titillation among the gaining crowd in our midst, but perhaps as a way to explain that this may have been the beginning of coming to some sort of self-realization that maybe I was naturally inclined to be fat. This was about 20 years ago, so you have to realize that, still, I was a long way toward self-acceptance as far as my size was concerned--nonetheless, that seed may have been planted around that time.

I have since gained all of that weight back, and then some, but what is relevant to my post regarding this is that I am much happier with myself now than I was back then. Part of this is due simply to the maturity and wisdom that comes with aging, but a large part is due to the things I learned about myself as a result of being part of this community, and I owe a great deal, whether directly or indirectly, to those of you who have helped me along the way. Again, I thank you.
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Last edited by saucywench; 11-26-2005 at 04:04 PM. Reason: oops, I knew I'd leave something out...
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Old 11-21-2005, 09:10 AM   #2
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This post is long, so take your time or skip it, I just had to jump at this phenomenal opportunity to combine loads of different (some existing, some potential) threads all in one.

My size acceptance history, or past or whatever I should call it has evolved in many steps and always in lurches. At ages 1 – 4 I actually was a rather small kid. Not bony in any way, just skinny, then it started changing due to whatever reason, but after that I can't ever recall being one of the smaller kids.
Trying to remember whether I had issues about it or not… I can't say. I was always shy and self conscious about my body, but that didn't have as much to do with my size – I think – as it did on my hair colour. My copper red hair is like one in 500 people here in Finland, if even that so it was a great source of amusement for my peers. Furthermore I had gone to a different kindergarten than everybody else, they knew each other from before, were used to speaking Swedish (which is my mother tongue, and that of a minority of about 6 % in Finland) whereas I was used to speaking Finnish everywhere except at home. So I was always the outsider. I had pals, but not real friends the way I do today, and fortunately for my brittle ego I was not eccentric enough to become the big target. There was at least one odder bird at my school than me, so I was pretty much left alone, but solitude was a prison in it's own way too, and I think it has coloured much of my life up until these last years.

I'm trying to remember if I've ever gotten any sh*t because I was bigger than others but I can't recall anything. Maybe I wasn't big enough for that… Or maybe I was too shy to be fun to make fun of. Or too bilingual or too red headed to tease about my size. You take your pick, but life moved on the odd way it has a tendency to move a child towards the horrid teenage, where things usually start taking a specific course.

This should be a post about a BBW coming to terms with herself and finding herself and all that. But it isn't. This is more like a post by a FA thinking she's not big enough to be a BBW. Or then I'm just too lonely sizewise. In my minds eye BBW:s never are alone, they've got too much of a community thing going on, and I'm too shy for that so I'll remain a curvy FA.

Onwards: I shall at latter in this paragraph say something about first time I fell in love but I'll have to start with some background first (yes again). In Finland, we have this thing called confirmation camp (many people ask about it, so here's an explanation). It's something we go to at the age of 14 or 15, where we are supposed to learn about the church and the Bible and all that stuff school already should have taken care of. Afterwards we are supposed to have our confirmations where we in front of the whole congregation (read relatives and guests) for the first time participate in the holy communion and answer some questions and "confirm" we want to be part of the church all that. It makes Finland sound more religious than it is. It's actually sad how secularist we've become, but that's a whole other topic.
So when I was at this camp, I met someone whom I never shall forget. She was one of the leaders there. She was big, she was beautiful she was like some sort of dream I've always waited to have and now had finally seen it. She was witty, she was fun, she was…
...a woman. Yes, things should never be too easy. I never reflected over her size. I was so confused about being in love with a woman that there was little time for reflection about her size which was way beyond something you'd get to see on TV. Well that went on for a year or two, it was a thing from a distance I'll never forget though, because she was the first, and in falling for her I could, if I was any smarter, have realised something about my preferences other than which side I was batting for, but no one is perfect.

At that time, I was 15, and from there onwards the people I have fallen in love with have been larger than average, but no one as big as that first love. But BBW:s aren't all that common over here. Myself, I was constantly trying to lose weight, and actually miraculously managed to keep myself under 170. I was never happy with myself though. Never.

Years went by, and finally I realised I like big girls (it's a visual thing – otherwise I like BHM:s or skinny people equally much, women are after all the more beautiful sex, and BBW:s the most beautiful people). And this realization I got actually at a forum for Sid Meier's Civilization games. It was on the "Off topic forum" in a thread where this teen guys posted pix of something they seemed to think were hot girls. And then there was this one guy who always posted pictures of bigger women. Not that big, but I did admire his persistence, because no one understood him, or if someone did, they did not dare write it there. This was when I was around 22. And at that point I started surfing, and I surfed a lot. Eventually I found "Feeders in Black" (a UK-based feeder site). Feederism didn't quite seem to describe what I was looking for, after all I could not realise what was the point with feeding someone up. From my point of view it seemed like hard work, and wouldn't it be easier to find someone who already was big. And it seemed a bit too hard core, but to each our own. The good thing about that place was that I found a link there. In fact it was a link to a feeder chat - the HTML chat that at the time being is out of order, but where I willingly admit having spent hours, whether I'm a feeder/feedee or not. (I miss you people). And that's about it.

These last years I've been ill and quite inexplicably (I've had to leave almost all goodies, and goodies are always the only sound explanation for weight gain) I've managed to gain more than 75 lbs during the last 2,5 years which is pretty much considering my initial weight. I would like to know why, as there is no obvious reason for it. But at the end of the day, I'm very happy being a curvy girl and that is pretty much completely thanks to this place and the people you can see around Dimensions different parts. I'm still shy, but the self-conscious part of me is almost completely conquered. So to end this over-long post I just want to thank you for being such great people. And then I'll be off lurking again.
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Old 11-21-2005, 10:19 AM   #3
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I discovered I was fat at an early age. I think it was my grandfather who pointed it out when I was barely two, hence he began to call me "chunky" as a term of endearence before I even know what it meant. I've since made it clear to my parents that if I ever were to have a child and either one of them gave colorful references to their weight or the lack thereof I would personally see them both into a nursing home.

It wasn't until my mid twenties when I finally decided to embrace fat acceptance. I got tired of being miserable. I contacted NAAFA and sought out others of likemind and this is what made me into the demented creature you see before you.
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Old 11-21-2005, 11:12 AM   #4
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Uh, about puberty is when it really hit me.

But before puberty, i had always been taught by the media "Look at this skinny girl, she is so fine". But i always thought to myself "Ok, she looks good...but i think she is missing something

Puberty taught me what they were missing
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Old 11-21-2005, 11:23 AM   #5
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This has been a long, hard journey for me, accepting and even loving this body of mine. I'm no different from most fat women - have been battling it since I was 12 years old, I loathed myself for many years, was depressed for a very long time because of it. It was such a major issue between my dad and I (who once called me "disgusting" and offered me $1000 to lose weight) that we've only just begun to heal the rift between us that's existed for 20 years.

All this over some extra flesh. It's mind-boggling, really.

Things changed for me over this past summer. Two things happened: 1). I stopped eating compulsively. Long story on how I accomplished that, but I did. I stopped eating compulsively, and I didn't lose a single ounce. That was a huge wake-up call for me. I thought about that, and about the fact that every female in my fricking family and extended family is significantly overweight, and it occurred to me that maybe I'm just supposed to be fat. This is just how my body is engineered. And once I started thinking about that, it just felt....right. I started thinking about the countless things I'd always told myself I would do after I'd lost weight - I'd been saying those things for over 20 years - and I became very angry with myself for all the time I've wasted. I vowed not to waste any more time in my life waiting to be thin, because it's just not in the cards.

That was stage 1 - acceptance.

Stage 2 was taking the next step and not just accepting my body, but learning to actually love it, and to feel desirable and sexy in my own skin. I started looking at myself in the mirror differently - instead of seeing the faults that have always haunted me, I concentrated on the good things. Pretty face, great hair, nice chest, etc. I did everything I could to feel attractive every day - kept my nails painted sassy shades of red, put on makeup every morning (even though I work from home) experimented with different hairstyles, etc. The little feminine things that are so inherently...feminine.

I also gave away most of my clothes and started over with my wardrobe. I was so used to wearing huge, tenty garments like oversized tee-shirts, and one day I saw myself in the mirror and thought, "Who are you trying to kid, Carrie?? Do you honestly think someone's going to see you in that shirt and have trouble figuring out whether you're fat or not?" I had a good laugh at my silliness and vowed to only wear clothes that flatter the good parts of my figure. I actually ordered a skirt a month ago, and when it arrived I was disappointed because it wasn't short enough. This from the girl who wouldn't wear shorts in public as recently as this past June!
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Old 11-21-2005, 02:03 PM   #6
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Default A long road...

to fat acceptance, especially of myself. My mom had me on diets beginning when I was in the sixth grade. About that time, too, the boys started teasing me about my weight. From grades 6 to 8, my weight ranged from 150 to 180 pounds, and I weighed 220 when I graduated high school.

From the start, I was one of the heavier kids, but it didn't really register socially until junior high. I still had some good friends, but that's the age when we become aware of social and popularity strata. I wasn't AT the bottom, but I was the target of more and more jokes. The boys made sarcastic comments--the tone of voice made words like "voluptuous" a real insult. That plus, having "developed" early...well, it wasn't easy. One boy in my class would stand up in the back of the school bus and yell, "More than a mouthful (or handful) is a waste." ( I was 13) It wasn't until a couple years later, when I began reading romance novels, that I knew what he even meant. I was a little naive, which I think actually helped me through some of this.

I was fairly well able to just be myself. I did well enough academically, and kept myself busy babysitting and with farm work to isolate from it, but I still knew I wasn't really welcome in certain groups. I cried myself to sleep some nights, or got lost in books. That helped me focus on something else.

In high school, I pretty much kept with my small group of friends, and excelled in most of my classes. I got along well with almost everyone, as long as I stayed under the radar for most things. And that meant never dating in high school.

This carried over into college. I made some good friends, but no guys were interested in me at all. The toughest thing was the loneliness because--and I had come to believe this--I was just plain fat and therefore unattractive.

After college, I tried for six years to be hired by school districts around the state. I had a great resume, and would get interviews, but always a no-go after the interview. My mother would tell me to, "Lose that weight, get a job and get a man." ( With no job, I was still living at home and helping on the farm, along with substitute teaching.) That was probably the toughest time of my life. I really felt that there was no future for me at all.

Then, miracle of miracles, I was hired to to teach in a residential treatment center. I got involved in the community and church activities in my new town, and made friends, but still no dating. Luckily, I was able to not tie my sense of self-worth to having a boyfriend because of these other things in my life. Without those outlets, I very probably would have become depressed.

I met my husband through a dating service when I was 31. He opened up a whole new world for me, and introduced me to sites like Dimensions. I discovered this amazing place where it was not shameful to be large. For health reasons--arthritis in some of my joints--I would like to weigh less, but don't feel that shame anymore, and it is wonderful. I still have people look at me funny in public, but I have to let it be their problem. To quote John Candy's line in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, "I like me." If we can all say that, we're in a good place.

Sorry this got so long, but it's hard to sort through the memories sometimes even today, and identify the emotions that were a long time ago.
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Old 11-21-2005, 03:39 PM   #7
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For me, I do not know that there was one great epiphany.

Personally I've be big since grade school..and so were several family members. To me it was just how some folks were...just like folks having different hair colors and other physical traits. I think I was lucky in my grade school years in that I never really had the nasty teasing that so many have to put up with...yes there was some ribbing, but for the most part it was good natured and not hurtful. By the time I got into high school and beyond, I'd already come to the realization that everyone is entitled to their opinions (on this and most other issues), no matter how wrong. For the most part I just accepted folks preferences, and ignored the ones who were idiots about theirs.

The first time I discovered that there was some kind of movement (for lack of better terms) for size acceptance was when I got online. One day I was in geographic theme chat, and someone started talking obnoxiously about a BBW room they'd encountered. I had no idea what BBW stood for and asked someone. When they told me I was off to what this was all about. What I discovered was a bunch of friendly people...and it felt like home.
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Old 11-21-2005, 05:34 PM   #8
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I remember when I was young and looking at BBW magazine in its heyday about 20 years ago.

In more recent years, 1999, my sister bought the book Fat!So? I giggled at the title (I was 18). I read the book and even though it takes a light hearted approach to the subject matter and the combination of fun & activism really struck a chord with me. I saw the light and really got into loving myself or at least trying no matter what size I may be. I also got to meet Marylin and she is just as awesome as she appears.

I also went through the "I'm sexy" faze, but that grew old. I try to incorporate size acceptance thought into my daily routine as it is a tough world out there. Also hanging out with like minded people helped me to grow, people who don't judge and who believe in the same ideals.
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Old 11-21-2005, 08:43 PM   #9
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I wasn't aware of external SA at all during the 1970's and 1980's. Even I used to poke fun of fat people despite being turned on by the female ones. It was a living nightmare.

When I saw Geraldo's talk show titled "Turned On by Fat" I still thought it was some sort of mental aberration to be an FA. But it got me thinking, and within a couple of years I had done a 180° and was all over the idea of size acceptance.

Still, who was out there to fight in my corner? Nobody! Never heard of Dimensions magazine until a later episode of Geraldo, and I thought it was strange that it wasn't on grocery store shelves. Didn't even think of NAAFA as a really viable, potent political group (and look at their results since then; they haven't made much progress, have they?).

Today I still believe that, even though one may be accepting of another's size, everyone else in the vicinity will not be*. It still, for the most part, holds true. I don't believe there will be a major change so long as the phantom correlation of nonhealth sticks to the glue of gluttony.

*This does not include FA/BBW gatherings and parties, of course, which I do not attend anyway.
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Old 11-21-2005, 09:10 PM   #10
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Default "Necklines plunge"

I'll never forget it.

I was laying on the bed one sunday evening in February with a fire in the fireplace, sipping brandy and reading the sunday paper with my first wife, circa 1978.
She said, "You need to check THIS out" and handed me the "People" section.

On the front page there was an AP article with some grainy, sunday-paper-quality pictures of some remarkably fat ladies reamarkably dressed up. It was an account of a NAAFA dance in New York and opened with the line, "Necklines plunged...." and went on to describe how the biggest women were the most in demand.

It was a lovely moment in my life.

It's funny the things that really stick in your mind sometimes.
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Old 11-21-2005, 09:20 PM   #11
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Default Size Admiration History

Acceptance means "coming to terms with" for me. SA has always been Size Admiration for me. For years, I was thin stick boy. And looking back at the year book photos, and class pictures, the girls I had a crush on tended to be the ones with size. And I was completely oblivious to it. Until High School.

I distinctly remember a conversation, my junior year ('84), with a friend in the school quad and I commented about a certain girl as she walked by, and my friend turned to me with a surprised look on his face, and said, "You like her?"

"Yeah, she's cool."
"But she's fat."
"Yeah..."

But she never went out with me. I think she caught me talking to her breasts, but that's another story...

I gravitated to the fat-bottomed girls through-out high school and college. And married one too. Spent several good years together, but we fell apart. In my loneliness, I stumbled upon Dimensions.
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Old 11-21-2005, 10:39 PM   #12
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I grew up fat, and like most fat girls, I hated my fat. Wished it away and constantly wished to be thin, and imagined myself that way. During my teenage years, I would imagine which fat parts of my body I would chop off if I could. Some years ago I decided I was tired of hating my body and the way it felt to feel that self-hate and recrimination. So I determined I would try to change the way I felt. It was a process. The first step was to join NAAFA, and from NAAFA I found Dimensions Magazine, which was a revalation. From there I found this website.

During this time I was also drawing a few nude self-portraits. Part of my change was to actively look for physical beauty in myself, and not to deny it if I found it. I've long been an artist and I enjoy drawing the undraped figure, but had never drawn a truly fat woman, so it was a somewhat uncomfortable experience at first -- also because it can be a bit odd drawing oneself if one isn't used to it, and I ended up changing my face a bit. It was my first foray using my digital tablet, too, so they're not perfect by any means, but that wasn't the point. Concurrently, I was also doing some writing on the issue of fatness, self-perception, and my experiences. If you like, the articles are here, if you're interested, and the art is here, and here. Through doing these things, as well as doing a good deal of internal work, I came to a different place in my feelings about my body, which was quite a relief.

In May of 1999 Conrad asked me to pose for the print mag, and I did, kind of as the completion of the journey I'd been taking, and as a way to conquer a fear of the camera. Hundreds of pictures were taken -- a few of which have been manipulated and are here. The last area for me really was having my picture taken, as almost every picture I'd seen of myself I hated. So September of that year I was featured on the front page and inside the mag, and freaked a little at the thought that my face, and bod, was on the cover of a magazine that was being sold in Borders Bookstore.

Anyway, to make a long story a bit less long, I'm glad I did it all and don't regret a bit of it. It forever changed the way I view myself physically, for the better. And even though I have those days of self-doubts, I know that those are based upon childhood and a life of living as a social pariah in the eyes of many, and not because I am actually worthless. It can be difficult to erase those old internal tapes, and I have a day here or there of feeling crappy about myself, but all in all, I very much like who I am, and I like my body, big ass and all, matter of fact. I have lost some weight in the last year and a half, and will continue to lose some, probably to around 300 or a bit below, because I'm still trying to improve the mobility I had lost when I was 450. But I would honestly never want to be skinny, or even thin, and love that I'm very soft and curvy.

I've posted these links a bit here and there throughout the years, and each time I've had women who were struggling with their own body issues (not just with fatness, but some with anorexia), write me to thank me. If it helps, it's all good, so I still do it -- hope you don't mind them.
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Old 11-22-2005, 11:16 AM   #13
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I think I had some degree of size acceptance going on from a young age, but it was not something I could have articulated. Perhaps it was because I'd been teased some for being chunky when I was in kindergarten, maybe it was some instinctive thing, but I felt a little protective of fat people. I was not someone who did much teasing of people, but I particularly and with some thought made sure not to say bad things about fat people, even ones I didn't like. For example starting in grade three I had a music teacher who was just an awful teacher, and also happened to be a SSBBW. A lot of kids made fun of her weight, calling her 'two-ton-Tannis,' joking that where the pavement in the teacher's parking lot was cracked must be where she parked her car, and so on. I thought she was a horrible teacher even before she told me to just mouth the words (without ever explaining to me what was wrong with my singing), but I'm absolutely positive that I never made fun of her weight, and I know that at least a couple of times pointed out that she was just a bad teacher, no matter what her size.

Of course, come puberty my awareness of size took on a whole different nature. After that it was far more of an aware decision.

Despite which, I'm not sure if most people who knew me back then would have had any awareness of my size acceptance. I was never one to talk about what I thought and how that was different from what you thought. So unless someone was paying a lot of attention to what I didn't say or do, I don't know that they would have figured this out.

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Old 11-22-2005, 12:58 PM   #14
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When I was in preschool and lacked the faculties to express my attraction I tormented the fat girls. When I was in kindergarten I was a little bit more civil and made a point to be nice larger kids even if they were ostracised or designated teasing targets. Later it was never an issue. Sure I was different. Ofcourse I'd see stuff on TV or read about it in the papers, but in my corner of the world there was need for an activist. I guess I've something to be thankfull for.
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Old 11-22-2005, 05:11 PM   #15
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( Long Post )

For me, it probably began at a very early age. By the time I was around 3-4 years, I had taken an interest in my 'larger sized' family along with cartoons which had large characters or characters who became fat during the show ( charlotte's web for example, the rat ). I remember sometimes, when no one was around, or awake, I'd head into the kitchen and try and drink a gallon of whole milk, of course I'd soon end it from drinking too fast and/or the fact that I filled up quickly. Then I could remember trying to drink cups and cups of water, thinking I'd put on 100lbs in a few seconds.

By the time I was in around 2nd grade, I had made a great friend, who was obviously about 100lbs heavier than I was. I remember thinking how 'cool' he was, even though he wasnt proud to be fat from his tormentors. Back then, I used to 'run' things, and helped him out by telling everyone to leave him be, ever since back then, he's held me in great appreciation, as well as his mother. I didnt think it was a big deal, and barely spoke to my mother about my friends and such, while he went home telling his mother everything.

Every morning from the day I knew him, I'd eat a bowl of cereal at my house, then walk towards his house ( which was on the way to school ) and eat a full-course meal of panackes drenched in syrup, bacon, eggs, sausages, toast, bagels..... basically fod whichy I've never had the pleasure of eating daily as my friend did. Within time, I'd gain some weight as well, it being noticable to my family, the main problem I'd have though was my mother. As many of the females had problems with their moms, I as a male, had problems with my mother as well. It came to a point where I had more or less began to dodge her whenever I could, so when my grandparents wanted my brother and I to spend the summer with them, I happily oblidged.

My grandmother used to make meals you'd think were for a large faimly on thanksgiving day, however it just be the four of us eating. My grandfather, who was at work most of the time, had gotten use to taking my brother and I out to eat. Whenever my brother had ordered a large meal ( he was four years older than me ) I'd order the same, I guess to show that I could eat as much as he could, just beacause I was the younger brother didnt mean that I was a 'weakling' or something like that. I believe thats where most of my initial weight had came from during that summer.

By the time I had hit the ages of about 12-15 or so, I could remember being confused and lost. I had more or less seen the many FA sites and such, and longed to be a 'gainer' or even find another person in school who had the same interest as I did, however would I find him or her ? I didnt know, but the internet was my relief. At about 15 years old, I had been probably about 250 or so pounds. I never really had a problem in school with peer pressure, or people name-calling me ( if I did I would have lost weight when my brother did FOR being teased, which I have told my parents repeatedly ), aside from the rare 'hey big-man' or something along the lines of that, which didnt bother me a bit.

The main drama didnt start until I had more or less began dating big girls instead of the usual 'thin-thick' girls. The ones I dated were used to being ridiculed daily, sometimes my efforts in telling people off worked, while sometimes it didnt, with the girl still just feeling like nothing more than a pig for getting so big. I could tell however, that by the end of our relationships ( usually ended because they either moved, or by their parents calling me saying they cant talk to boys ) that they were happy and contented that they had met me. Many guys in the school, even though they may have been big themselves, they still teased the larger females, something which I found weird. But in any case, when it was time for me to move out and be on my own, I had a 'shaky' start, mainly with my mother who'd always make a rude commet such as "try not to fall victim of a freshman 15", which I'd happily comment back "I hope I fall victim of a freshman 100".

My entire life I had more or less accepted the larger community, and never discriminated someone or a people for their culture, size, or looks without getting to know them first. Being part of that community ( currently residing at 280 ), I guess has opened my eyes even further to stand up for not only myself, but others whom have fallen victim to the media, making themselves miserable.
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Old 11-24-2005, 07:32 PM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tina
In May of 1999 Conrad asked me to pose for the print mag, and I did, kind of as the completion of the journey I'd been taking, and as a way to conquer a fear of the camera. Hundreds of pictures were taken -- a few of which have been manipulated and are here. The last area for me really was having my picture taken, as almost every picture I'd seen of myself I hated. So September of that year I was featured on the front page and inside the mag, and freaked a little at the thought that my face, and bod, was on the cover of a magazine that was being sold in Borders Bookstore.
Tina, thanks for posting the links to your art - it is great, I love it!

This is a really interesting thread, it's be nice and somewhat comforting to read the journey that each poster has taken. Thanks to everyone who has shared... I may share mine when I have a bit more energy!

Brenda
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Old 11-24-2005, 10:38 PM   #17
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Brenda, I hate to break it to you, but as a new mommy, it'll be a while before you have some energy. Thank you for your kind words about my art. I have to say that I've been too busy to do much of it these days. I'd love to get back to it though.

Take care, and enjoy that baby.
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Old 11-25-2005, 02:00 AM   #18
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My entry into Size Acceptance (SA) started at an early age as I was fat kid. I was 96 pounds in the first grade and reached a peak of 315 in high school (but these days in the low to mid two hundreds). The first grade was also where I initially experienced my "FA-ness" and admired my first fat girl across the classroom. After watching her lose weight later in the year, I asked someone else what happened to her. I was told those fateful words "she has diabetes", a specter which was to haunt my preferences ever since. Of course my young mind was unable to comprehend the implications of that diagnoses. I only understood there was this strange "thing" which caused the loss of the prettiest girl in my class and made her look like all the other bony little girls.

During my school years, I received a lot of physical abuse involving my weight. Taunts of "fatso" were usually punctuated by fists being applied in rapid succession. It eventually stopped when I finally started fighting back and learned that anyone can start a war, but it takes everyone to keep the peace (even if it's only a truce based on fear of retaliation from the intended victim).

Only one time did I pursue my FA-ness in high school, I tried asking out the fattest girl in the school, a SSBBW of about 350 to 400 pounds. I think I was prepared for almost any response but the one I received, she ran away crying and yelling for me to leave her alone. I never tried asking out any of the other girls in high school I was attracted to. I did eventually start dating a lady seven years my senior that I met during my stint working with a local band. While my classmates were at the Senior Prom, I was at the movies with that lady, a midsize BBW who I eventually married just after I graduated high school.

I didn't really get involved in SA until several years later after I divorced my first wife. My first "official" introduction to the concept that there were others with my preferences was the men's magazine "Penthouse 'Forum'". It was there that I learned about NAAFA and Fat Admirers. It would be several more years before I would finally locate a local NAAFA chapter and really get involved. Typical for many NAAFA chapter leaders, the chapter only lasted for about six years before everyone involved got burned out and the chapter folded. After about three years, I missed the NAAFA chapter activities so much I applied to start a chapter and eventually became the chairperson of the chapter, an office I held for about three years. Like so many other NAAFA chapter chairs, I was unable to get a replacement to run for the office and I just ran out of energy to keep it going so I folded the chapter. (This was about the time of the rise of the "for profit" fat social clubs in the mid-90's.)

Since then I had a couple of SSBBW girlfriends and finally married my SSBBW wife last May. Most of my closest friends and acquaintances are people I met in NAAFA at the chapter and national levels over the years. Two of them were my Best Man and Grooms maid at our wedding last year, as well as several other guests from our local "fat social club" where I met my wife.

Since the mid-90's I've been involved with an alternative SA organization, Big As Texas. It became an outlet for many of us who felt disenfranchised from NAAFA during that time. I've gone on to develop many more friends and acquaintances from there as well. I've been very lucky to have so many friends of great quality.

Being involved in NAAFA during the eighties thru the nineties, I was privy to some of the first photocopied issues of NAAFA's Fat Admirer's SIG newsletter, "Dimensions". When it went private, I subscribed and never let it lapse until the last issue with "Cat" on the cover. During the years, I subscribed to most every SA related publication that came out: MAGNA, Radiance, BBW Magazine, and a few others that I can't remember at this time. Of course my knowledge of Dimensions magazine lead me to their web presence in the early days of the internet, and I've followed Conrad's on-line labor of love ever since.
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Old 11-25-2005, 02:31 AM   #19
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I don't normally get into this... not exactly a BBW, but not really tiny either. This is kinda convoluted, don't read if you don't want to.
Always called fat and ugly in school, the whole time. From preschool to college. To be honest, anymore, I'm so fucking stressed and so fucking depressed I believe it. Can't look at myself objectively. All I see is double fucking CHIN I've been trying to get rid of, and stupid fucking BODY that's jsut WRONG (tiny tits, no hips, no ass, skater legs, football player shoulders with the thick neck to boot-- I look like a dude and most people call me SIR!). Only good thing about this falling apart hunk of crap I call my shell is it occasionally functions well enough to do something useful and it fits under a car decently. Nevermind that internal functions are taking a VERY quick shit.
Some point in my teenage years, I started trying the "self acceptance" thing, and that led me around and about to a few places, here included.
In the meantime, I still hate myself, for more reasons than anyone here could ever possibly HOPE to comprehend. One thing I have learned, is size is okay.... on ANYONE but ME. I look like shit to begin with, why make it worse....? I mean, I'm not even looking for stick thin here. I'm looking to be IN SHAPE.... WITHOUT considering ROUND as a shape.
It's weird, I suppose, being able to handle fat on anyone but myself. Oh well.
So on top of being shit on for my entire school career, my family hates me, just flat period. I have an uncle who seems to take great delight in making me hate my life more than I already do- I swear his day isn't complete until I cry.
On top of that, I like my job and the work. Too bad most everyone around here thinks it's a cop out, trying to make my OWN way with my OWN business. HOW is that a cop out? Just cause I don't want to kiss someone elses' ass for 40 years? HOW is that WRONG?
My size acceptance theories: Just fine.
But I find my self acceptance lacking.
Then again, why wouldn't I? Not like anyone shows any fucking CONFIDENCE in me or anything. Nooo, they just piss me off and depress me till I cry.... THEN they SCREAM at me to CHEER UP. What the FUCK. >.<
Ehhh, I should leave the keyboard alone till I sober up. But just think: if I was sober, I'd never think to hit the submit button. Much less type all this out to begin with.
Fuck it. *pops another beer*
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Old 11-25-2005, 08:32 PM   #20
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You know.. everytime I view this site, it's like a reminder of the early days of when I accepted that I loved full figured women. BBW's and SSBBW's had always been around me here in the Submarine Capital Of The World, Groton, Connecticut, but it was a true evolution... one that continues this day...

First off, I was born on June 6, 1982 in New London, and I was a big baby at 10 Pounds, 2 1/2 ounces. Throughout childhood, my pediatrician used to call me "chubby", and it was one of two things I got teased about, being the fact that I was husky, up until I was like 12, when I was diagnosed with ADHD.

In my early years, I was babysat by my godmother, who is an SSBBW, and her daughters, one of which was a BBW. It was a total norm for me, and I loved them a lot. In third grade, I think it was prominent, when I caught the eye of a girl named Debbie Doyle. She was a big girl, who everyone picked on. I was also picked on because I wasn't a Navy Brat, or a jock on the Groton-Mystic Falcons, or the DolCOM youth football teams. This gave fuel to the popular people's fire: they hounded me, and hurt my feelings so bad, that I did the unthinkable.. I broke Debbie's heart.

God, I still can hear those cries from her, when she ran away from me. It hurts so much just to think of that. After then, I was lonely, for a long time, I was picked on, I went to few kid dances, and well.. didn't dance with many girls.. (and no... I didn't dance with the guys)

Fifth grade was very interesting because of the fact that it was the border into the pains of puberty for me. It was a time in which... I really started to grow physical attraction to women... especially big women, though... it seemed I was regulated to certain... attributes of a woman... there was one in particular in my second year of Elementary school that didn't care for me... but even at her age..... I felt was so seductive.

Her name, Milagro... spanish for Miracle, and that she was. She was truely, even to this day a big girl, and her bf or husband is lucky to have her. In fifth grade, when girls at that time were just growing a butt or something, she was very top heavy. Every shirt she wore, her breasts were dominant. She was truely top heavy, but she was also one of the only big girls that never ever gave me the time of day. She lived in my neighborhood up until she moved away to New London, right across the river, I never saw her until high school.

Middle School...... life was an endless ride of discovery. I was rumored for hitting on girls from the start, especially older girls in eigth grade. LaShonda, a black girl from my neighborhood used to pick on me on a daily basis, and in the winter on the way home from school, she threw snow and ice at me. She was also a big girl that really never gave me the time of day. Seventh and Eighth grade were hard as well.. sthough I was a track runner, a lot of girls threw themselves at me and my team mate, I secretly I guess repressed those feelings about bigger women..... until I was invited in seventh grade to be a part of a program that brought kids from Groton, to the Mystic Community Center. There were kids there from all over Groton, Mystic, and Pawcatuck...

Since, I felt that I was an outcast in my own, I grouped with girls at first that were top heavy, and guys that loved these voluptuous vixens.....Then I met Jackie Mavarak, a girl that changed my life..... and brought me back.. One day I met a very voluptuous brunette who had brown eyes that sparkled. She was so beautiful, and we spent a lot of time together there at the community center. I can remember my last time seeing her there, she was so sexy in her swimsuit, her full, voluptuous body, every ample curve. She was older than me by a year, but she was a great woman. She asked me to come into the pool with her, and she even winked at me. She cried on my shoulder when she left, and I professed my attraction... my love for her at that very moment.

I stopped going to the Community Center soon after, as 9th grade was approaching. I entered Robert E. Fitch Senior High in 1996, where I was amazed at Groton, and Groton kids living in Mystic interacted with one another. I caught the eyes of a Junior that year, Julie Jordan, who is to this day still one of my best friends. She was a skinny girl, and stuff, but she was a very kind person. In that year, I entered a user room for something called Big Beautiful women.... my friend at the time, a girl who shares the same birthdate as me, and a BBW herself asked me to come into that room. Soon I questioned what was a BBW.... and the answer came.,... big beautiful women.

I was shocked, but was curious. It would be that my questions came to be answered here: Dimensions Magazine. I soon realized I was attracted to older BBW's and SSBBW's such as CindyG, Brie Brown, and Heather Boyle. It brought back the tearful memories of Debbie Doyle, and how I wished that we could have been a couple to this day. Julie and I later broke up, and I sought to find a relationship that year.... it came in the form of a BBW that lived in a group home, but she also had a criminal record. She and I did little things to one another, and we were together for six months before she was brought far from me to Bridgeport, where she was emancipated from the State by her 18th birthday.

By tenth grade, I was very open about my attraction to big girls. They thought I had a breast fetish, and at first, I admit, I did. It was much more than that, as time went on. It was here that I met my first feedee.. her name was DaddyFeedeePig on AOL.. (She died earlier this year, not of a feederism related cause). I also checked out a freshman named Autumn..... she was another BBW that was very active in the school. She was on the dance team and it was always a pleasure watching her dance, or walk, or talk, but she was very popular. I dove deep into the BBW community, even to the dark side, and viewed porn, popping up pictures of Eartha Quake, Melanie Anton, and even Teighlor's clean and dirty pics, and I was very attracted.

Just one month shy of my 16th birthday, I was involved with a very attractive black BBW named Estelle. She would be the one who I would lose my virginity to. For a year, we dated after then, and were semi-sexual. Junior Year, I met a girl named Holly, a full figured girl I was introduced to by another former girlfriend, but nothing ever sexual came of it. From one of my best friends, I was nicknamed "TF" or tit-f***** because of the girls I was interested to having large breasts. By the beginning of my senior year, our relationship ended because of problems with her parents approving of me.

I met a girl named Amanda, who was a true pearshaped girl... with long hair.... it was like a dream to see her. She and I were together for awhile, until I cheated on her with my ex, who I had previously dumped. Online however, I had always been nervous to chat in BBW rooms, and now I was chatting up a storm.... many older BBW friends I had acquired chatted with me on MSN, and Yahoo.

When I got into college, at 18, I had my first credit card, and I reacquired the internet...... AOL in the beginning. I discovered not just BBW's, but SSBBW's as well more that would actually chat with me. During that time, I really began to explore the sexual avenues, if you will in the BBW community, even the dark sides. I lightly tapped into feederism for awhile, but during those times, I was too nervous to.

At 19, I had to drop college for a year or so to work at Foxwoods, at the same time, It was at this age I went to my first BBW party: Big Connections had a party here in Groton, and my friend, the owner of the party allowed me to come, and it would be there I met Brie Brown, someone who even as a youngin' had admired for a few years. I checked back to this site often, and met few SSBBW's like SummerCT, and people that I would consider friends.

A few highlights to my life so far would be that I chatted with CindyG before on Yahoo, and even Mhariah. I also chatted before with Tiffany Cushionberry, she's an avid gamer just like me... which totally rocked. I really started reading about, and exploring feederism.... a few weeks shy of my 23rd birthday....... I have read some, and I have friends that are feedees... but I guess my presence as a black person, who loves feedees in some domains scare people.

In this time of reflection of my life, I finally understand what it means to be an FA. In writing my past, I hope that other FA's, of all races, and ages come clean about their preferences, and what they feel. You have a right to be happy, and the higher power that be, created us to be acceptant of all, not just the societial view of what should be. After all, as a famous character once said "Size matters not". At 23, I am proud to say that I am a FA who would treat his BBW or SSBBW like a queen, and do whatever it takes to keep a commitment lasting for a lifetime.

Thank you for your time and reading my post.
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Old 11-25-2005, 11:18 PM   #21
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Originally Posted by MistahSmooth_CT
I have read some, and I have friends that are feedees... but I guess my presence as a black person, who loves feedees in some domains scare people.
Sorry to hear that; I don't think it should matter.
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Old 11-26-2005, 06:14 AM   #22
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I sure wish the internet and all these resources had been around 3 or 4 decades ago when I was a girl, but in retrospect I muddled through pretty well anyway. I've been fat all my life (as ye olde familie photo album will attest), probably because both my grandmothers showed their love with their cooking. My mother always told me not to eat everything they set out for me because I'd make myself sick, but I ate it all anyway and never got sick but I sure got fat. I wasn't really aware that I was so fat until I was 4 or 5 years old when I heard my grandmothers say "Sue is just a growing girl," and my mother said, "Yeah but just look at how fat she is." My mother didn't like me being so fat, but she couldn't let my grandmothers outdo her in the cooking department. And so my mother became the queen of mixed messages: "Clean your plate but lose the weight."

That set the stage for kindergarten and grade school and the usual stupid "fatty fatty two-by-four" comments from the other kids. This was in the 1960s and I was always tall too, so some kids compared me to those cheap Japanese monster movies on TV: The Girl Who Ate Tokyo. By junior high I hated being the big tall fat girl, and I moped around and wanted to hide. The other kids called me Suzy Bigfoot (I find this name amusing now) and Whale Belly, and in retrospect it wasn't so much that I was big but instead I was an easy target.

Then one fine day in high school I got fed up with the mental abuse and began to give as good as I got. One of the cheerleader bitches made one too many comments about my size and I fired back with a wisecrack and a smile, and everyone laughed. Good gravy, everyone was laughing *with* me and not *at* me! So I became a friendly wise ass -- yep, the stereotypical big tall fat girl who made everyone laugh. It was a defense mechanism, but it worked great, and I gained lotsa friends, including a few boyfriends now and then. This gave me more confidence than ever, and life became much better. It also helped that as the big tall fat girl, my boobs grew bigger than all the cheerleaders', so my size finally had some positive attention for a change. It was a revelation one day when I told someone to kiss my ass and he got all excited! And the more my mother nagged about my weight, the more I viewed my fat as a symbol of my independence. Ah, my rebellious youth -- fat and proud of it.

My mother couldn't keep saying that I was way too fat to have boyfriends, but none really clicked. By then I was my own woman, so I wasn't really looking for a man to make my life complete, but then Mr. Right practically fell into my lap -- disguised as Mr. Wrong. Art was the younger brother of one of my university classmates (I was 20 and he was 18), and he was a royal jerk. He must have told me every fat joke he knew, but eventually methought he doth protest too much because he kept turning up. Finally I triple-dared him to take me on a date and behave like a gentleman. To my horror he accepted the challenge, and to my delight he treated me like a lady. Art said he didn't like fat girls, but my friendly wise ass personality intrigued him. I was so nervous I had the hiccups half the evening (gawwwd), but he said that life would never be dull with me around (I think that was a compliment), so thus began a romance out of a screwball comedy. He had no idea how to treat a woman my size, but he sure learned. Case in point: On another early date we went to a restaurant and he steered us to a booth which was obviously too small for me. "Okay Mr. Engineer, estimate the size of my ass, which you have been squeezing most of the evening, and consider whether it will really fit in that booth. Extra credit if you find seating that fits me -- NOW!" And so Art married the fattest woman he ever met -- 23 years of happy marriage and counting.

Yes it can be a challenge to be an extra extra large woman in American society. Some days I just have to put up with a lot of crap, but I consider the sources -- even if one source is my own mother ("Doesn't it bother you to have that big belly of yours hanging out for all the world to see?"). So I walk tall with a smile on my face and a bounce in my step, and most people react positively to that. If obesity is my worst problem in life, then I am one lucky woman.

Sue
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Old 11-26-2005, 11:34 AM   #23
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My size acceptance history goes back to childhood, and grew all through my teens and twenties. But around the time I hit thirty, it came to a screeching halt and I had to detatch from it and move forward in another direction in order to do what I needed to do for the sake of my personal well-being. Recently, I have been able to take tenative steps back towards size acceptance as both a personal and political concept. I don't believe it can ever be as important of a thing in my life as it once was. My priorities and needs and beliefs have shifted dramatically over the past five years and other things just come first now.

I was raised to pretty much never realize that there was much of anything different about me. I was never particularly obese as a child, but I was much larger and more physically developed than others in my peer group. I always had friends, did things which I enjoyed, etc... A few people gave me crap about my size, but they were the same people giving crap to the kids with braces, the short kids, the kids with unusual names, etc... I learned very early on, that it wasn't about me, it was about them. Because they did it to everybody. Not just the fat kids. I learned to find their flaws and throw it right back at them too. Usually in a way that cut deep to the bone. So, they really never messed with me.

Once I got to the end of junior high I wasn't the largest or tallest girl in chool, so I never really stood out. I danced on the dance team, had plenty of boyfriends, plenty of friends, plenty of good times. I had the stereotypical "high school glory days" experience.

Which continued on into early college. I had started to gain weight again, and first found out about size acceptance as a political/social concept. At the time, it was a very positive influence on me, almost all the people I knew were women, and it was very empowering and enriching.

That continued on for a little while and then it took a turn towards the surreal and I got sucked into the world of bashes, motel dances, pool parties, room parties, "modeling", internet hook-ups, etc... which did a massive number on my psyche and self-image. At that time, I started getting into eating a lot more than I needed (or really wanted to tell the truth) and wound up gaing weight very steadily for several years.

It all culminated around 2000 when I found myself housebound and in very poor health and unable to enjoy life anymore. I found that the support I had been showered with on the gain side was totally not there for me once I hit the wall and turned into hostility when I expressed that I wanted and needed to lose weight.

So, I simply detatched from it, moved forward, and did what I had to do in order to get back to a place where I could enjoy life again. After a while, I started making tenative steps back towards size acceptance, but am very wary and unwilling to invest too much of myself in it this time around.

My personal philosophy regarding size acceptance has never changed. And that is that one has the freedom to enjoy the skin that they are in, regardless of what somebody else might think of it.

Tracy
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Old 11-26-2005, 01:09 PM   #24
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It all culminated around 2000 when I found myself housebound and in very poor health and unable to enjoy life anymore. I found that the support I had been showered with on the gain side was totally not there for me once I hit the wall and turned into hostility when I expressed that I wanted and needed to lose weight.

So, I simply detatched from it, moved forward, and did what I had to do in order to get back to a place where I could enjoy life again. After a while, I started making tenative steps back towards size acceptance, but am very wary and unwilling to invest too much of myself in it this time around.
Tracy, are you forgetting that there were some, myself included, who were supportive of you -- and of Victoria, too, as you were both going through some of the same stuff at the same time? You posted at Abby about such things, and received a lot of support, but have never been very good at consistently posting back to those who have supported you, or at giving support in kind to those who needed it. Go look even at recent threads in the Health sections at Abby where you were given support (I know they still exist), and see what people have said, and what you have, and have not, responded to.

This is said not to be mean or argumentative, but so much of life is what we focus on. You've had support, but for whatever reason, have chosen not to see it.

Edited to add that I'm very glad that you've been able to turn your health around. You were, in part, a bit of my inspriation when I started making my own changes.
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Old 11-26-2005, 03:02 PM   #25
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The thing of it is Tina,

While there were people who did support me, I was burned VERY badly by an individual who claimed to be a supporter and friend but who was evidently very emotionally troubled or suffering from an untreated/ineffectively treated mental illness. It culminated with a very disturbing series of events where this person proceeded to lash out at me in a very out of control and nearly incoherent manner. It really took me by surprise and totally freaked me out over having confided so much and having been so open with this person. I kept all the emails and have since evaluated them with a mental health professional friend, and they believe that I was the victim of a case of "Munchausen by Internet Proxy".

It's not a very good memory and not a very good time in my life, so I really do not like to think on it much. It's water under the bridge, an unfortunate chapter which I have turned the page on.

I don't feel very comfortable with online conversations much anymore. I just don't. Not on size acceptance boards, not on scrapbooking boards, not on any board where I do not know the participants personally.

And yes, that makes me a "post and run" type. But such is the way it is and probably will continue to be.

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