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Old 01-04-2007, 10:45 AM   #51
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A man never has the right to date anyone they would be embarrassed to be seen with in public. I don't care if the girl has low self confidence, she doesn't deserve to date someone that would be embarrassed and no self respecting man would purposely date a woman they were embarrassed by.

If a guy needs years to work it out..he needs to be single during those years because he has not right to thrust his issues upon a woman he's dating.

Can I just say that this as to be the most asinine thing I've read in a really long time.


Well said Misty. If someone is embarrassed by their partner, they are really shallow human beings, and I hesitate to call them that. And on a side note, you really DO make fat look damn good!!!
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Old 01-04-2007, 10:55 AM   #52
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There's no closet big enough to contain my love for Melissa and for fat women as a whole.

She has had her share of closet cases, too...much like all of you girls may have had at one time or another. Even before I got online and started posting here, I still don't feel like I was ever closeted at any time throughout my years. If anything, I was embarrassed to date a THIN girl. Yes, my first date was with a thin girl when I was 17, and I hated it. Luckily I had friends with me to soften the blow. Anyway, all the women after her were fat, and all of them met my parents and my friends as soon as the opportunity arose.

Of course, I don't condone the behavior of a closet FA, but Dimensions hasn't reached ALL men just yet...though we are getting closer and closer. What DOES bother me, though, is that we are likely to have an alarming amount of closet cases within our own ranks. A lot of the men in here like to wave the flag and boast and brag...but when I go to the dances and events and such, I'm only one of a small handful of men in the room. When you see how sexually diverse Dimensions is and then go to the dances and see that there's seven women for every one man, it leads one to believe that some of those closet doors are locked tight.

There have been multiple occasions in which I've publicly and privately invited men to attend the dances in Massachussetts and New York (I'm looking out for you, girls!) and the responses I got sounded something similar to Porky Pig's famed closing statement at the end of a Looney Toons short. They've all got an excuse.

I don't have all the answers, unfortunately. All I can do for now is suggest getting tough on your seemingly closeted boyfriends. Ask them if they're embarrassed to be around you, and threaten them..."if you can't handle a relationship with a fat girl, then I'm going to find someone who can". Any outcome will be for the best, because if he leaves you, then you can find an FA who's confident with himself, or, he'll stay, wake the fuck up, and come to peace with his orientation like I have. While I was never closeted, I was not always this overt. My conversations with Heather Boyle over the years were extremely influential, and now, I've got personal friends taking an interest in fat sex.

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Old 01-04-2007, 11:01 AM   #53
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The first post by AFG just took the words out of my mouth. So beautifully written and so true as well.

It's just so sad and hurtful when you find out the person you like and who you thought liked you, is ashamed that he finds you attractive.

Especially when there are so many hot and wonderful men who will love you for who you are. Who will worship you for your mind AND love your body as well.

Much like the men on this board...*hugs you all*
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Old 01-04-2007, 12:20 PM   #54
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My indignation towards closeted FA's isn't as much about being a "white hat" for BBW's as it is being a hero for myself. I strongly believe that when men behave badly, it is the responsibility of other men to stand up and say so. Far too often, men stay silent when the culture of masculinity presents sexist and abusive attitudes. There were times I stayed silent myself in locker rooms and such, and I'm not the least bit proud about that. Men who don't have negative or abusive attitudes towards women need to speak out and be a part of the solution. We cannot just sit back and say its someone else's problem. It doesn't effect us personally, so we should just keep our mouths shut. I realized this was wrong a very long time ago and I feel I have a duty to speak up to my fellow men.

If men don't speak up, if they see these things as just a woman's problem, then its easy for those who engage in the inappropriate behavior to dismiss the criticism of women. For many, its something they are already inclined to do. They need to understand that this is not just women who have a problem with the inappropriate behavior, but everyone does. Just as I feel I have a responsibility to strongly support racial equality, as a man, I feel I have a responsibility to strongly support gender equality. At its heart, I think the behavior of closeted FA's is both born out of fat prejudice and sexism. Both of which I feel I have a personal responsibility to oppose.

I honestly don't do it to get credit or kudos from BBWs. Really doesn't cross my mind. I don't want to be a hero. I want to be a responsible member of my gender and a responsible FA. Closeted FA's give all FA's a bad name and honestly that is what bothers me the most. My second concern is still not with BBWs, but actually for the closeted FA's, themselves. Even if they aren't being jerks are trying to have things both ways, they are denying themselves something really, really wonderful and fufilling and for no reason. If anyone thought I was a hero to BBWs, I hate to have to tell them they are wrong, but I really want to be a hero to myself and to other FA's.
I have often found myself being silent at hearing the derogatory comments of other men regarding women and one does tend to feel ashamed for not speaking out. And I agree about this tendency to avoid these issues as 'someone else's problem'. This is somewhat analogous to the moderate Muslim majority who supposedly turn a blind eye to the extremists within their ranks. There is a duty to speak up for what is right. I wish there was something more effective than chastisement to convince these guys to come out in the open. As you say, it would be as much (or maybe more) for their own benefit as the women to which they are attracted.

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The first post by AFG just took the words out of my mouth. So beautifully written and so true as well.

It's just so sad and hurtful when you find out the person you like and who you thought liked you, is ashamed that he finds you attractive.

Especially when there are so many hot and wonderful men who will love you for who you are. Who will worship you for your mind AND love your body as well.

Much like the men on this board...*hugs you all*
Unfortunately, as Bruce pointed out, there are actually far too few open and honorable FAs to go around for all the beautiful fat women who are wanting to hook up with them.
I guess someone needs to get to work on that clone NFA project that was recently suggested on another thread.
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Old 01-04-2007, 12:23 PM   #55
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I don't have all the answers, unfortunately. All I can do for now is suggest getting tough on your seemingly closeted boyfriends. Ask them if they're embarrassed to be around you, and threaten them..."if you can't handle a relationship with a fat girl, then I'm going to find someone who can". Any outcome will be for the best, because if he leaves you, then you can find an FA who's confident with himself, or, he'll stay, wake the fuck up, and come to peace with his orientation like I have.
I think this is the real trick. It's hard and it's kind of scary because you risk losing them completely, but in the end it's the best thing to do. There will come a time in this type of situation where it all starts to wear you down - you realize that he'll probably never want to take that next step with you. In the meantime he'll search out someone who fulfills more of what he considers societal norms, but she loses too because she'll never satisfy him physically and his mind will always be elsewhere. Not only do fat girls not deserve this, but the girls these guys end up with are equally as undeserving.

It's not an easy process, and from someone who's been there, it can take a while to digest. But each and every time this realization is thrown in your face, it will wear down your tolerance just a little bit more. Eventually you'll have had enough of feeling inferior and you'll realize that instead of him being with you until something better came along, it was the other way around. And let me tell you ladies, that feels good!

I feel a bit sorry for these guys because they are the ones losing out, but at the same time they need to just get over it. If you brought home someone of a different race and your family and friends gave you a hard time about it, you'd consider them feeble-minded and possibly racist. However, if they gave you a hard time about bringing home someone who is fantastic, but just happens to be overweight... well, that seems to be okay. My take on it is that if your friends and family have nothing better to do than sit around and judge people based on appearance alone, then they're just pretty miserable people to begin with. I personally choose not to associate with people like that and I'd certainly never place any value on their opinions.

BTW... Glad to see you here Bruce!
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Old 01-04-2007, 12:35 PM   #56
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Wow. AFG stirrin' the pot again. Just great!

My comments would be that...

1. I don't think most adolescents could ever admit in high school or earlier that they were not concerned with what their peers thought in much (or some) of what they did. The way they dress, talk, walk, date, cars they drive, sports or clubs they're in, music they liked, etc. Adolescence is this way. They are becoming adults, but not quite adults. They are socially immature and lean on the mob (and try to stay with the mob) to strengthen themselves and feel secure socially.

2. One of the benchmarks IMHO in becoming an adult is learning to be secure in oneself and one's actions, and not give a rip of what other people think. I am not sure I am completely there. I guess I would only know through life's tests. It takes time, sometimes a whole lifetime, and some never reach that point completely.

3. I cannot speak from any experience, only observation, and it will sound obvious, but being fat in this society has become a huge social burden, fully UNDESERVED, and must be a daily struggle I cannot begin to understand. I try to in my own small way by being here for support and reading the comments made by intelligent adults on this board daily.

4. Being an FA, unless fat themselves, can't even come close when trying to equate the burden with being fat all of the time. It is not even in the same universe.

5. With all of that said, any of the "men" AFG mentioned may be physically grown men, but socially adolescent. The old mob (society beyond highschool) still rules them. I would put these men in a similar (not same) category with men who feel the need to replant hair on their heads or wear rugs. Why do they do this? Because society says bald is NOT beautiful. In this case, they are embarrassed to be out with THEMSELVES.

6. The major problem with being socially adolescent is whether you project that onto another person, like a BBW or BHM. A closet (F)FA, a social adolescent, or a bald guy with a rug is doing nothing hurtful until they bring that other person in. In the case of the bald guy, he is hurting no one by bowing to social pressures he brings upon himself. Until they bring that other person into a problematic relationship, they are just struggling along with their own development not hurting anyone.

No cans for AFG, so I am donating rep on behalf of AFG to Krissy12 since AFG took the words out of her mouth in the first place...

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Old 01-04-2007, 12:51 PM   #57
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Originally Posted by Spanky View Post
Wow. AFG stirrin' the pot again. Just great!

My comments would be that...

1. I don't think most adolescents could ever admit in high school or earlier that they were not concerned with what their peers thought in much (or some) of what they did. The way they dress, talk, walk, date, cars they drive, sports or clubs they're in, music they liked, etc. Adolescence is this way. They are becoming adults, but not quite adults. They are socially immature and lean on the mob (and try to stay with the mob) to strengthen themselves and feel secure socially.

<b> One that is true to who s/he is can. This is more than half of the problem that we have right now is that people (not just teens or pre teens) dictate who we should date.. move on move forward or get a good prenup.</b>



2. One of the benchmarks IMHO in becoming an adult is learning to be secure in oneself and one's actions, and not give a rip of what other people think. I am not sure I am completely there. I guess I would only know through life's tests. It takes time, sometimes a whole lifetime, and some never reach that point completely.


<b> I have to tell ya.. I grew up on a farm people didn't like me.. called me poor not knowing that we ran 750 acres of cattle land and my father was a world acclaimed t-breed horse trainer.. To this day I say screw what people think.. I thought so then too.. my first girlfriend ever was when I was 15 she was 16 and I was maybe at best 150 pounds she was in her low to mid 300s. I say grow up accpet yourself for you or just die unhappy </b>



3. I cannot speak from any experience, only observation, and it will sound obvious, but being fat in this society has become a huge social burden, fully UNDESERVED, and must be a daily struggle I cannot begin to understand. I try to in my own small way by being here for support and reading the comments made by intelligent adults on this board daily.

<b> Being fat is like being ugly and is like being anything.. no matter who or what you are.. some people will not accept you no matter who you are or what you look like</b>

4. Being an FA, unless fat themselves, can't even come close when trying to equate the burden with being fat all of the time. It is not even in the same universe.

<b> That isn't true when the FA actually has a fat person they love.. they feel it too on a daily basis.. I would be one with a 380 today maybe 410 pound princess the next.. same woman she is just odd that way</b>

5. With all of that said, any of the "men" AFG mentioned may be physically grown men, but socially adolescent. The old mob (society beyond highschool) still rules them. I would put these men in a similar (not same) category with men who feel the need to replant hair on their heads or wear rugs. Why do they do this? Because society says bald is NOT beautiful. In this case, they are embarrassed to be out with THEMSELVES.

<b> grow up don't let socioty or even highschool run your life.. dating someone you are not attracted to.. thin or fat is just simply stupid</b>





6. The major problem with being socially adolescent is whether you project that onto another person, like a BBW or BHM. A closet (F)FA, a social adolescent, or a bald guy with a rug is doing nothing hurtful until they bring that other person in. In the case of the bald guy, he is hurting no one by bowing to social pressures he brings upon himself. Until they bring that other person into a problematic relationship, they are just struggling along with their own development not hurting anyone.

<b> lets make it easy.. if you are attracted to a fat woman or a fat guy then just move on with that and go for what you want.. screw what socioty wants because socioty isn't going to wake up next to you in the morning..</b>

No cans for AFG, so I am donating rep on behalf of AFG to Krissy12 since AFG took the words out of her mouth in the first place...

- Spanky

me in bold sorry if anyone is offended.. (not really sorry)
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Old 01-04-2007, 12:53 PM   #58
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Old 01-04-2007, 03:18 PM   #59
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brilliant statement, AFG. i think all FA's are at least a little guilty
No, I'm not. Have you met me? Do you personally know everybody on the planet who considers fat women attractive? Then don't inform us of guilt.
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Old 01-04-2007, 03:27 PM   #60
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No, I'm not. Have you met me? Do you personally know everybody on the planet who considers fat women attractive? Then don't inform us of guilt.
I echo this sentiment. When it comes to being a closet case, I am guilty of nothing. Every fat girl I've ever been with was proudly introduced to friends and family. Anyone who didn't approve was simply cut off.
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Old 01-04-2007, 03:34 PM   #61
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Thank you for this post!

I have felt this in the past about a closeted FA, the kind who was so into fat girls he is the one who introduced me to this site. Yet he was never secure in his choice, afraid of what I don't know, don't care, probably of other people's opinions.

In the end his love for my curves helped bring me out of the closet in the sense that that was the pivotal moment when I decided it was ok to want to be fat, contrary to what people had been telling me my whole life. I wish I had been the one to bring him out of the closet some days, others I wonder if he ever will get there. Either way I'm happy, I met the love of my life, a man who is proud to show me off to everyone he knows.

Guess what I am saying is that for me the whole experience was bitter sweet, and perhaps in time it will be for you too.
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Old 01-04-2007, 03:55 PM   #62
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Wink Fear.....

Thats the only thing I can think of that keep's anyone in the closet. You have every right to be angry. You also have the right,as others have said, to have someone who wants you in their life no matter what. Don't settle for second best.


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Old 01-04-2007, 03:57 PM   #63
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You are so right, AFG, and we ALL know it... Now if we all act like real FAs it would be a lot easier and a lot more respectfull against BBWs.
You did your name ActivistFatGirl a big honour with this post, lol!!

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Old 01-04-2007, 04:18 PM   #64
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No, I'm not. Have you met me? Do you personally know everybody on the planet who considers fat women attractive? Then don't inform us of guilt.
high fives to you sir, and to bruceman as well.
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Old 01-04-2007, 05:46 PM   #65
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I <3 AFG

I'm having a hard time imagining what was going on in the minds of some of those d*cks that made her feel this way....

*bops them all in the nose with her fairy wand*
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Old 01-04-2007, 05:48 PM   #66
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The OP is really well-written and a good look at a woman's feelings on the subject. I have to admit that when I was younger, I was definitely closeted. I'm not looking for any sympathy on the subject, because what FAs have to go through in terms of self-actualization, fat women have to go through times a zillion, but let it be said that the amount of peer-pressure out there against being attracted to larger women is staggering. From the moment you're aware of women, you're aware that there's something shameful about women being overweight, and about liking those women.

I think it's fairly normal for a lot of FAs (myself being one) to be closeted and conflicted through their teens and early/mid twenties--a time in your life when most people place too much emphasis on what others think of them. I'm now 31, have been dating a big woman for a while, and could care less what people think of me and my tastes in things, but it took a while. If I were to guess, I'd say my experience is perhaps more common than that of some of the posters in this forum who never thought twice about it or cared what others thought.

This isn't at all meant to excuse the behavior the OP describes, just my .02 on the subject and to provide another perspective.
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Old 01-04-2007, 06:09 PM   #67
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...if you're with a man that just loves women, you most likely won't be led to believe that your fat is beautiful, again, something you have most likely been embarrassed about at some point in your life, and in all honesty, it would probably never get to the point of you being around his friends or family.

my two cents, and yes, i already know, you don't care.
Which brings up an interesting point I was facing since my own relationship probably won't last. I was talking to my mother who is a wonderful sweetheart and I love and cherish my very close relationship with her. She's not a large person so this wouldn't directly affect her comments but she was suggesting that if I needed to find someone else that I shouldn't let that person ever know about my FA'ness (or by tangent participation in the community however that is done) because said target of my affection wouldn't ever feel like she was my "one and only". While I can see some point to her argument, I think I'd set myself up for great potential future pain.

Who knows, though?
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Old 01-04-2007, 06:13 PM   #68
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My question is, things have changed since '98. Would the shirt today say "I WANT the fat one"???? If so, would the guys have the testiculars to wear it, or have times not changed as much as I thought?
I've wrestled with the idea of it being thought too crass but I think I'd be tempted to slip one of these on:

http://www.dumptruckstuff.com/dumptr...lacktshirt.jpg
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Old 01-04-2007, 06:14 PM   #69
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Hmm, I suppose its not that I'm ashamed of it, I guess its socity and how people see you, I mean if people like figured out I liked large women, it shouldn't be hard considering how much I've hinted it out, I've had three large and beautifull girlfriends, and I've even told my friends I'd rather have a larger woman to a slimer one.

I'm just a kind of guy who as open as I am about the matter, I'm still feel like I hide something, or feel ashamed of something, not of the woman, but of myself, I'm not the greatest looking guy, and never have been, I sppose its my own size as well, I'm slim, and I guess people see it as out of place for me =/

I'm not sure, but what you've said certiainly has put a diffrent perspective on the matter.
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Old 01-04-2007, 06:26 PM   #70
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First things first... I love so much of what has been said in this post and AFG's original statement was so strong and well-put. Kudos to everyone who has commented... this is one of those threads that you just cannot help but read all the way through.

I just wanted to throw something else into the mix. Yes, we know being in the closet is not a healthy thing for both the person in the closet and the people that become intertwined in the closeted person's personal life. But, let's too recognize that being in the closet is generally a product of social pressure. Yes, their actions (much like the ones AFG is describing) are hurtful and wrong, but does that mean they are awful people? Personally, I don't think so. I do think it means that they're living in fear, which WE know is entirely irrational but THEY may not. These cannot be terrible people because they are meeting others and developing some sorts of relationships. So, instead of alienating them and passing them off as jerks who just want to get some, let's each do our parts in creating a culture that doesn't require that GOOD people have to be afraid of their preferences and feelings. I'm not making excuses, I'm just saying that some of the best and most positively vocal FA's and FFA's have been in the closet at one point in their life. Yes, they need to mature. Why not help the process along? That is all.
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Old 01-04-2007, 06:27 PM   #71
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Which brings up an interesting point I was facing since my own relationship probably won't last. I was talking to my mother who is a wonderful sweetheart and I love and cherish my very close relationship with her. She's not a large person so this wouldn't directly affect her comments but she was suggesting that if I needed to find someone else that I shouldn't let that person ever know about my FA'ness (or by tangent participation in the community however that is done) because said target of my affection wouldn't ever feel like she was my "one and only". While I can see some point to her argument, I think I'd set myself up for great potential future pain.

Who knows, though?
oy, i don't know about that!! i don't see how this possible new mate wouldn't think they were your one and only, but that's just me. i can understand a man not being up front at first, and saying right off the bat, 'hey, i'm an FA', but if you told her later on, i know personally, i wouldn't think i wasn't your one and only.

i think the main thing to remember is if you call yourself an FA, then be an FA. at the end of the day, does it really matter what anyone thinks of your preferences? no. at the end of the day is anyone else but you left to reflect on your life choices? no. fuck what anyone thinks. i know lots of people think i'm disgusting, but on the other hand, there's lots that love how i look. so fuck those that hate me, and thank you to those that think lovely things of me. that's why i love this site. it's changed me tremendously in the short time i've been here.

you've got one shot in this shithole, make yourself happy, screw everyone else.

end rant.
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Old 01-04-2007, 06:35 PM   #72
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Being in the closet may not make you awful, just fearful. But being in the closet and still wrapping your shame-filled life up with someone else is pretty awful. It's like NFA said, people who stay in the closet and keep it to themselves only hurt themselves, but the someone who unleashes his/her closetedness on other people--specifically people who should be treated as partners and with real concern--IS hurting other people and that is awful.
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Old 01-04-2007, 06:39 PM   #73
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Being in the closet may not make you awful, just fearful. But being in the closet and still wrapping your shame-filled life up with someone else is pretty awful. It's like NFA said, people who stay in the closet and keep it to themselves only hurt themselves, but the someone who unleashes his/her closetedness on other people--specifically people who should be treated as partners and with real concern--IS hurting other people and that is awful.
Though, I'm adamant about posting this, but its just something on my mind.

Even a person who is proud enough to step out of that proverbial closet can easily be knocked back into it, people critisize, gossip and throw around abuse all the time, but if it ends up being about a persons FAness, in todays socity its seen as a joke for a FA to admire a large woman, and many people can use this against you, and eventually hurt the person who took that risk to come out the closet, theres a higher chance of the worse happening vs the good. There may be good that does come out of it, but what about the long run?
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Old 01-04-2007, 06:43 PM   #74
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i just don't understand.

why does it matter what someone else thinks? i just can't compute it. so what if someone has a problem with it? are you going to live your life making choices for yourself that make others happy, and not you? that's ridiculous. fuck other people. if someone cracks a joke, you crack a kneecap, and you make different friends. it really isn't a hard thing to do. and if your family is in on the making fun, you alienate until they accept. people that live their lives for others are a waste, just like the people that are 'forcing' them to act as such.
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Old 01-04-2007, 06:45 PM   #75
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Being in the closet may not make you awful, just fearful. But being in the closet and still wrapping your shame-filled life up with someone else is pretty awful. It's like NFA said, people who stay in the closet and keep it to themselves only hurt themselves, but the someone who unleashes his/her closetedness on other people--specifically people who should be treated as partners and with real concern--IS hurting other people and that is awful.
Again, I agree with you. But look at the root of the problem that is closeted people "unleashing" on others. It's desperation. It's a cry for help. Usually, when people cry for help and are really honest about needing it, there is somewhere for them to go to understand what they need to do to stop hurting themselves and others. Do you think closeted people WANT to hurt themselves and others? I don't think so. Yes, closeted people should not entagle their "shame-filled" lives with other people who obviously deserve to be treated wonderfully, like anyone else. However, what do you expect these people to do? Most people who can't recognize that they have a problem also don't know how to act properly in regards to that problem. Everyone wants to meet others and be satisfied on an emotional and physical level. Instead of criminalizing closet FA's for being confused and afraid, let's treat them like someone who's questioning their sexuality- WITH SUPPORT. That's the only way they're going to learn to love themselves and others in a proper fashion. I'm not saying support what they're doing, but support their quest to find themselves in POSITIVE ways. Guide them, be a force in their lives. Be frank with them. Bring them to Dimensions. Anything.
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