Dimensions Forums  
Home Register Premium Membership Health Issues Market Place Big Fashion
Old 02-12-2006, 04:39 PM   #1
maxoutfa
 
maxoutfa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: nevada, near Lake Tahoe
Posts: 208
maxoutfa can now change their title
Default state of duality

I suppose it's all really about communication. What one says or does can be interpreted differently by different people.

What I'm getting at here is something that seems to be a frequent thread - saying or doing the wrong thing - or at least having it being perceived as such.

There was a recent thread where the general gist was the complaint about FA's fawning over a BBW's fat, with the point being that said FA's were ignoring the person beneath the fat. But really, aren't you damned if you do and damned if you don't? Sure, there are insensitive guys out there (whoa, what a revelation!! ha ha), but perhaps having read so frequently that woman are insecure about their weight, simply want to say (albeit clumsily) that the weight works for them.

Now certainly if said FA was obsessing and refused to change the subject when asked, well, then he's just an idiot. But the point I'm trying to make is that in many instances (as I believe Conrad pointed out) the FA really hasn't had much opportunity to speak of his desires, and often, in his own mind is taking a big risk by making those desires public, even to a BBW.

Me, I would like nothing more than to have my gf make comments about my swelling waistline - but that's a personal preference; I'm sure that there are others out there, who while enjoying the concept of gaining, don't necessarily want to be reminded of it.

But, to come to point: duality - and this applies to everything - how do you mention to someone that their body shape (whatever it may be) is something that you find attractive - or further, is that even something that you should do?

You hear it often said by well endowed women that they dislike being objectified, and I'm sure that hold true for BBW's as well. It's the "my mind, not my body" manefesto. But yet what's wrong with there being an attraction? It comes in all shapes and sizes, so why not come out and say "I find you attractive"? Why not start with that and then strike up a conversation and see if you hit it off in other ways as well?

Let's face it; guys oggle (and so do girls). Everyone looks, checks out the goods, etc, and as long as you aren't being extremely overt about it, where is the harm? Objectified, perhaps, but the flip side is that someone finds you attractive, and that should make you feel good!!

Perhaps there's an inborne sensitivity wherein you are simply tired of your weight always being front and center, as if it is the defining point of your existence. I see how people stare when a SSBBW walks into a room; and can only imagine (as I'm sure the BBW does) what goes in in the brains behind those stares. It's a form of discrimination on the most basic level, so I can understand the sesitivity, but still - to every action a reaction, and something that may be quite innocent, and a simple compliment can be taken as some form of hostile act.

Here's an example that happened to me the other day. I was sitting in the waiting chairs at the DMV when a young SSBBW walked in and took a number. I could see all the people staring. Because the people next to me had been called I had an empty seat to either side of me, so I moved over a seat so the BBW could have ample room. She saw what I had done and smiled so I smiled back and said hi. That was the end of the story, as I was called up shortly thereafter, but later I began thinking; I was lucky. In this instance the girl saw my gesture as exactly what it was - a gentleman's attempt to make a woman more comfortable. It could easily have been perceived as a dig to her, pointing out that she was in need of two seats.

So you see - duality. But I choose to live my life as an afirming one - hoping that by doing things like the above, or telling a woman that she is beautiful in my eyes, I'm making someone's day just a little brighter.

I'm sure each of us has our own preference, and it more than likely changes depending on who is approaching you and how, but isn't being told that you are attractive a better thing than having that person remain silent?
__________________
trying to make sense in a room full of dollars
maxoutfa is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-14-2006, 11:44 PM   #2
saucywench
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by maxoutfa
....how do you mention to someone that their body shape (whatever it may be) is something that you find attractive - or further, is that even something that you should do??
Max, you raise some very good points. I'm going to try to address a few.
Quote:
Originally Posted by maxoutfa
....You hear it often said by well endowed women that they dislike being objectified, and I'm sure that hold true for BBW's as well. It's the "my mind, not my body" manefesto. But yet what's wrong with there being an attraction? It comes in all shapes and sizes, so why not come out and say "I find you attractive"? Why not start with that and then strike up a conversation and see if you hit it off in other ways as well?
There is nothing wrong with having that attraction. The key is in your timing. First, since size, for most women, is such a volatile issue, I wouldn't think it would be wise to bring that up during the initial "getting-to-know-you" phase. It stands to reason that you would find someone attractive if you bothered to approach a stranger in an attempt to make their acquaintance. The specific reasons for your attraction needn't be made apparent at such an early stage. I'm not Emily Post or Miss Manners here, but I think doing so would be considered gauche in any social arena. What seems to be of most importance, at least in my observations and discussions with other women who truly value themselves, is that they want recognition for the person they are, as has been mentioned--regardless of their size or other physical attributes. Sure, women like to be complimented, but (1) they don't appreciate artificial compliments, or compliments that mask an agenda/ulterior motives (i.e., to get them into bed); (2) fat women are used to being ignored by a large sector of society. Many have their guard up because of this, and are likely to be suspicious when a stranger approaches and expresses interest, especially if in a venue outside of size acceptance circles. In such instances, it is difficult to make snap judgments of a person's intent--if you as the approacher are sincere, you don't want the object of your (potential) affection to feel wary of your advances on first approach. Your goal as a gentleman should be to help the woman feel at ease, and comfortable in your company. If you can accomplish this, you are opening the lines of communication and thus the ability to take conversation to the next level. This level and of course the timing of it varies with all individuals; you just have to develop a sense of when/whether things are clicking before you advance.
Quote:
Originally Posted by maxoutfa
Let's face it; guys oggle (and so do girls). Everyone looks, checks out the goods, etc, and as long as you aren't being extremely overt about it, where is the harm? Objectified, perhaps, but the flip side is that someone finds you attractive, and that should make you feel good!!?
Yes--objectified. Who wants to be subjected to that, at any time? The issue, again, is timing. I'm not saying it's not OK to flirt...*sigh*...I'm not even sure I know what I'm trying to say. But, suffice to say, if enough women are complaining about it, as you have witnessed here, then something is definitely not OK. Perhaps you can respond with ideas on what types of approaches you might use, and then the BBWs/SSBBWs of the forums can tell what does/does not work with those approaches.
Quote:
Originally Posted by maxoutfa
Perhaps there's an inborne sensitivity wherein you are simply tired of your weight always being front and center, as if it is the defining point of your existence. I see how people stare when a SSBBW walks into a room; and can only imagine (as I'm sure the BBW does) what goes in in the brains behind those stares. It's a form of discrimination on the most basic level, so I can understand the sesitivity, but still - to every action a reaction, and something that may be quite innocent, and a simple compliment can be taken as some form of hostile act.
See, here you are getting to the heart of the matter. A woman's weight is not at the heart of her existence, whether thin or fat. But a woman (or anyone, for that matter) cannot wear her innermost thoughts, or what truly guides her life, on her sleeve for all to see. If you are attracted solely to a woman because of her fat, she will see right through that, and resent you for it. It's really not that different from being shunned because of her fat. Doing so will leave a woman feeling objectified, and therefore used. I guess it all depends on what you want out of/from others. You cannot expect a relationship of any quality to develop if your initial approach is centered around a woman's physical attributes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by maxoutfa
Here's an example that happened to me the other day. I was sitting in the waiting chairs at the DMV when a young SSBBW walked in and took a number. I could see all the people staring. Because the people next to me had been called I had an empty seat to either side of me, so I moved over a seat so the BBW could have ample room. She saw what I had done and smiled so I smiled back and said hi. That was the end of the story, as I was called up shortly thereafter, but later I began thinking; I was lucky. In this instance the girl saw my gesture as exactly what it was - a gentleman's attempt to make a woman more comfortable. It could easily have been perceived as a dig to her, pointing out that she was in need of two seats.
That was a fabulous gesture on your part. I only wish more men would make such practices standard. I'm not sure if luck was involved, though--you were simply making a sincere and heartfelt gesture and she sensed that. Kudos to you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by maxoutfa
So you see - duality. But I choose to live my life as an afirming one - hoping that by doing things like the above, or telling a woman that she is beautiful in my eyes, I'm making someone's day just a little brighter.
I am certain that you are. And I don't want you to think that I have misunderstood the intent of your post; I merely wanted to express more fully how women might view such overt physical admiration from the get-go. It's a tricky social situation, one that often requires a great deal of finesse. Surely there are ways to compliment a woman in passing. I'm just saying that, if your (and I've been using you/your in the general sense, not "you" specifically) goal is to really get to know and appreciate a woman and all that she represents, the best thing to do is take things slowly and respectfully. In time, there will be an opportunity to express to her the joy you derive in her bounteous proportions. I looked back to your post and noticed that you have a girlfriend, so a lot of what I have said might not apply to you right now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by maxoutfa
I'm sure each of us has our own preference, and it more than likely changes depending on who is approaching you and how, but isn't being told that you are attractive a better thing than having that person remain silent?
Yes, it probably is--I'm just not sure what the right answers are.
I want to thank you for taking the time to post this. I hope that others can offer some valuable insight into this dilemma. And thanks to AnnMarie for bumping this up to where it can get noticed.
  Reply With Quote
Old 02-15-2006, 12:13 AM   #3
swamptoad
 
swamptoad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 12,312
swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!swamptoad keeps pushing the rep limit!
Default

good post, maxoutfa.

Now I thinking about this word, for some strange reason ---> "id"

In psychoanalytic theory, the division of the psyche that is totally unconscious and serves as the source of instinctual impulses and demands for immediate satisfaction of primitive needs.

Does the "id" have anything to do with how we *human beings* behave or misbehave?
__________________
♥♥♥♥♥ love one another ♥♥♥♥♥
swamptoad is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-18-2006, 01:45 AM   #4
maxoutfa
 
maxoutfa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: nevada, near Lake Tahoe
Posts: 208
maxoutfa can now change their title
Default

thank you SaucyW for your well thought out response to my post.

In my usual clumsy way, what I was trying to get across is the acknowledgement of that initial attraction. If popluar science is to be believed, pheromones have much to do with it - so do we tip our caps to that and upon meeting someone who attracts you offer "I like the way you smell"?

I Agree that by the simple fact that you have approached someone you are stating your attraction to them, and I suppose one should just leave it at that rather than point out why (again I agree, it's a question of how you say it and when).

Certainly the first thing out of your mouth shouldn't be "I love your big hooters" or somesuch; that's just crass, but at some point, hopefully after a requisite time of stimulating conversation, would it be so wrong to make a polite admission of your attraction; doing it in such a way as to make the woman feel good, such as "I love the way that dress hugs you in all the right places". Such a statement tells her in a hopefully non-threatening way that you like the way she looks. At this point, if she feels good about herself she will thank you for the compliment. If not she may say something derogatory about herself like "you're crazy, this dress makes me look fat", which of course can still have a positive end as you can assure her that she looks yummy.

I dunno - I certainly don't have the answers to the dating question. Motives have alot to do with it I suppose. I think in most cases guys ultimately hope that an encounter will end up in bed, but in speaking for myself, I've felt blessed when I've come across someone who I can later consider a friend.

The funny thing is I've been in situations where women have fawned over me - and I felt very conflicted: part of me enjoyed the attention (it's a great thing for the old ego), but at the same time there was a part of me that felt somehow cheap (and objectified) - though ultimately I reasoned that it was ok for them to dwell on the physical, for while I may get used in the short term, in the long term I would get to have the conversations that I needed to establish whether or not something deeper might develop. (In other words, the equation comes down to: love me today for my body, love me forever for my mind).
__________________
trying to make sense in a room full of dollars
maxoutfa is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-18-2006, 02:04 AM   #5
maxoutfa
 
maxoutfa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: nevada, near Lake Tahoe
Posts: 208
maxoutfa can now change their title
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by maxoutfa
Perhaps there's an inborne sensitivity wherein you are simply tired of your weight always being front and center, as if it is the defining point of your existence. I see how people stare when a SSBBW walks into a room; and can only imagine (as I'm sure the BBW does) what goes in in the brains behind those stares. It's a form of discrimination on the most basic level, so I can understand the sesitivity, but still - to every action a reaction, and something that may be quite innocent, and a simple compliment can be taken as some form of hostile act.

See, here you are getting to the heart of the matter. A woman's weight is not at the heart of her existence, whether thin or fat. But a woman (or anyone, for that matter) cannot wear her innermost thoughts, or what truly guides her life, on her sleeve for all to see. If you are attracted solely to a woman because of her fat, she will see right through that, and resent you for it. It's really not that different from being shunned because of her fat. Doing so will leave a woman feeling objectified, and therefore used. I guess it all depends on what you want out of/from others. You cannot expect a relationship of any quality to develop if your initial approach is centered around a woman's physical attributes.

Indeed. And please note I said "as if" it is the defining point. It certainly shouldn't be. If your "sole" attraction is based on weight - some fantasy that you are going to bed with a fat girl - without even considering who that person is then you are being truly shallow and thoughtless (which sadly is way too frequent an occurance).

I guess that I'm just angry about all the women who fall into the trap of not liking themselves or their bodies because the media drills into them that their looks are unnacceptable. I've seen it way too many times, have lived it even (a former GF was only happy with herself when she starved herself - a borderline anorexic - and no matter how much I tried to reinforce that she was beautiful and a great person, I was just one small voice against the masses). I suppose that's why I may go out of my way to tell a woman that I find her attractive - as odds are she is probably brainwashed as well and can maybe use a little positive reinforcement. If nothing else, a smile instead of a condescending look or a whisper behind her back.
__________________
trying to make sense in a room full of dollars
maxoutfa is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-18-2006, 02:11 AM   #6
Thrifty McGriff
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 510
Thrifty McGriff can now be the recipient of "two cans" jokesThrifty McGriff can now be the recipient of "two cans" jokesThrifty McGriff can now be the recipient of "two cans" jokes
Default

Great posts from all of you. They've all got me thinking. Sauchywench, you said, "You cannot expect a relationship of any quality to develop if your initial approach is centered around a woman's physical attributes."

Maybe I'm a tad confused or have misunderstood that statement, but in most instances physical attributes are the first and sometimes only thing we initially know/notice about a woman depending on the circumstances, no? Again, I'm pretty sure I misunderstood you so please help me understand.

I'm interested in all aspects of a partner: her mind, her soul, her personality and beliefs, etc and of course, physical attractiveness (we are sexual creatures, and I'm a male so of course sexual attraction is a bit more important to us, stupid evolution). To be honest I sometimes still feel shitty that I have to limit my relationship standards based on sexual attractiveness, since a beautiful person (not the physical aspect) can come in any shape and size.
Thrifty McGriff is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-18-2006, 09:35 AM   #7
saucywench
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by maxoutfa
...at some point, hopefully after a requisite time of stimulating conversation, would it be so wrong to make a polite admission of your attraction; doing it in such a way as to make the woman feel good, such as "I love the way that dress hugs you in all the right places". Such a statement tells her in a hopefully non-threatening way that you like the way she looks. At this point, if she feels good about herself she will thank you for the compliment. If not she may say something derogatory about herself like "you're crazy, this dress makes me look fat", which of course can still have a positive end as you can assure her that she looks yummy.
I don't think that it would be wrong at all; the issue then becomes whether the recipient interprets your compliment in the manner in which it was intended. Just as you posited, the response you receive will depend on how the recipient views herself. I know I'm arguing semantics here, but you can't "make" anyone anything; all you can do is offer your sincere compliments and hope that the recipient takes them as such. It is only then that you can advance to a more meaningful (if that is what is hoped for) dialogue. Ultimately, the only behavior we are responsible for is our own. If you behold something that pleases you, express that from your heart. What happens after that is beyond your control, but you have succeeded in expressing an aspect of your humanity, and that's a large part of what life is all about.
  Reply With Quote
Old 02-18-2006, 09:53 AM   #8
saucywench
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by maxoutfa
I guess that I'm just angry about all the women who fall into the trap of not liking themselves or their bodies because the media drills into them that their looks are unnacceptable. I've seen it way too many times, have lived it even (a former GF was only happy with herself when she starved herself - a borderline anorexic - and no matter how much I tried to reinforce that she was beautiful and a great person, I was just one small voice against the masses). I suppose that's why I may go out of my way to tell a woman that I find her attractive - as odds are she is probably brainwashed as well and can maybe use a little positive reinforcement. If nothing else, a smile instead of a condescending look or a whisper behind her back.
I do empathize with the difficulty that FAs face in their interpersonal relationships wherein the female has a negative body image; I've been there before, although never to the extremes of most women today. Think of all of the productive things that could occur if women (and I'm not purposely excluding men, because they have this to some degree as well) stopped obsessing about their appearance and focused their energies on something positive. I don't know of anyone being awarded a Nobel Prize because of their physique.

With regard to complimenting a BBW/SSBBW, I encourage all FAs to do it. You should do it because it makes you feel good, not because you anticipate that it will make the woman feel good, although that would be the desired outcome. Even if you don't receive what you might think at first is a positive response, you never know what impression your compliment might make on her in the long run. As far as having a girlfriend who never accepts your compliments, I think you would eventually need to evaluate the relationship overall and see whether her negative image is causing you more harm than the relationship is worth. I know that many of us like to think that, by loving someone, that love holds the power to change them for the better. Sometimes it simply doesn't, and it's best to cut our losses and move on.
  Reply With Quote
Old 02-18-2006, 10:07 AM   #9
LillyBBBW
Wig Snatcher
 
LillyBBBW's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 9,794
LillyBBBW has ascended what used to be the highest level.LillyBBBW has ascended what used to be the highest level.LillyBBBW has ascended what used to be the highest level.LillyBBBW has ascended what used to be the highest level.LillyBBBW has ascended what used to be the highest level.LillyBBBW has ascended what used to be the highest level.LillyBBBW has ascended what used to be the highest level.LillyBBBW has ascended what used to be the highest level.LillyBBBW has ascended what used to be the highest level.LillyBBBW has ascended what used to be the highest level.LillyBBBW has ascended what used to be the highest level.
Default

Years ago I went to a co-workers wedding and somehow the table assignments got mixed up and I wound up at this table that was supposed to be for a particular family. I got there first and sat down, not knowing anything at first. Later when I noticed all my other co workers were gathering at another table I knew there had to be a mix-up and this guy from the 'Smith' family came to me and tried to work something out. It was still early and I didn't want to just take some seat without everyone present. Those people refused to sit at the table while I was still there. They all lined up at the wall standing stiffly and looking at me like I was a dead rat. It was awful.

Later on I sang an Italian aria before the toast at the request of the bride and groom (they are really good friends) and lemme tell you, that family suddenly became SO friendly! They started introducing themselves and shaking hands and introducing me to their mothers, grandmothers, uncles, etc. It was the most disgusting thing I'd ever seen.

I'm not saying that I don't like being admired because of my singing. I *LOVE* being admired because of my singing. But you know, sometimes.... you just can't put your finger on it. There are people that are just obnoxious and rude. I think that's the subtle difference that a lot of the women are alluding to when they say they get sick and tired of FAs who only give them the time of day because of fat but otherwise couldn't care less about them.
__________________
Expecting the world to treat you kindly because you are a good person is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

"...If the only pain you recognize as valid is your own, of course you'll have trouble identifying it when you see it in other people. That's the trouble with narcissism. It makes you really inadequate and boring."

Have you hugged a fat girl today?

@~;~~
LillyBBBW is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-18-2006, 10:26 AM   #10
saucywench
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thrifty McGriff
Great posts from all of you. They've all got me thinking. Sauchywench, you said, "You cannot expect a relationship of any quality to develop if your initial approach is centered around a woman's physical attributes."

Maybe I'm a tad confused or have misunderstood that statement, but in most instances physical attributes are the first and sometimes only thing we initially know/notice about a woman depending on the circumstances, no? Again, I'm pretty sure I misunderstood you so please help me understand.
Sure, I'd be glad to elaborate, Thrifty. Wish me luck, here.

What I meant by that is that, yes, most often men (as well as women) respond to someone initially by a physical attraction to that person. Call it chemistry, if you will--an animalistic response. What separates humans from other life forms (aside from opposable thumbs and the ability to walk upright) is the brain. We are viewed as more evolved the more we utilize our brains to the degree that we further distinguish ourselves. I know I'm becoming obtuse here--the point I'm trying to make is that perhaps we should use our brains to filter that animalistic response we feel toward a person to whom we are attracted. Stop for a split second and consider what you, as a thinking human being, ultimately desire from that person. If your attraction doesn't go beyond the base form, you will likely behave in a crass manner, maybe like this: "Wow, you've got a great rack, mind if I bury my face in it?" I know I'm being extreme, I'm just trying to make a point. However, if you desire more, consider a more evolved approach in that split second. You may see that woman as a potential partner, at least a good friend if nothing more. Regardless, if what you want from that person is more than base, your approach should come from that perspective. With that in mind, you should consider an initial greeting that will encompass a higher motive.

I've probably confused you even more. I'm not a guy, and don't have a lot of experience with initiating conversation with strangers of the opposite sex. In the sake of full disclosure, however, I have, years ago, in another lifetime, approached men (a couple of times) with sex as the motive. I wasn't turned down, but at least we did go through the procedure of several hours of "getting-to-know-you" conversation before the end goal was met. As I said, that was a lifetime ago, and I'm a different person now. My attractions now, if I have them at all, are based on commonalities of intellect. I look for men who are looking for the same thing. If a physical attraction is there, that's just gravy--it's not the appetizer that feeds my hunger. This may be more a reflection of the maturity that comes with age than anything, so it may not be relevant to someone of your age. But I think you will find that this is common in many women, though, regardless of age--they are looking for a partner with a more advanced degree of maturity than their peers. The more you can distinguish yourself from your peers in this manner, the greater success you will have at attracting the opposite sex.
  Reply With Quote
Old 02-18-2006, 01:14 PM   #11
Thrifty McGriff
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 510
Thrifty McGriff can now be the recipient of "two cans" jokesThrifty McGriff can now be the recipient of "two cans" jokesThrifty McGriff can now be the recipient of "two cans" jokes
Default

You did not confuse me moreso. Thanks a lot for that reply, it helped.
Thrifty McGriff is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-18-2006, 01:42 PM   #12
Jes
is oddly aroused
 
Jes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 12,553
Jes has ascended what used to be the highest level.Jes has ascended what used to be the highest level.Jes has ascended what used to be the highest level.Jes has ascended what used to be the highest level.Jes has ascended what used to be the highest level.Jes has ascended what used to be the highest level.Jes has ascended what used to be the highest level.Jes has ascended what used to be the highest level.Jes has ascended what used to be the highest level.Jes has ascended what used to be the highest level.Jes has ascended what used to be the highest level.
Default

thrifty, you need to private message me, stat.
Jes is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-19-2006, 09:46 AM   #13
Webmaster
Chief Emeritus
 
Webmaster's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Knoxville, TN area
Posts: 2
Webmaster has ascended what used to be the highest level.Webmaster has ascended what used to be the highest level.Webmaster has ascended what used to be the highest level.Webmaster has ascended what used to be the highest level.Webmaster has ascended what used to be the highest level.Webmaster has ascended what used to be the highest level.Webmaster has ascended what used to be the highest level.Webmaster has ascended what used to be the highest level.Webmaster has ascended what used to be the highest level.Webmaster has ascended what used to be the highest level.Webmaster has ascended what used to be the highest level.
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by maxoutfa
So you see - duality. But I choose to live my life as an afirming one - hoping that by doing things like the above, or telling a woman that she is beautiful in my eyes, I'm making someone's day just a little brighter....
Valuable post, and I am certain a situation almost all FAs find themselves in every now and then: you see a fat woman who perhaps needs a bit of help or one who you would really like to talk to, if only to innocently compliment her on a little thing.

The question most of us then face is, "How will this be viewed by her?" and "Should I risk the possible rebuff even though my motives are genuine?" As has been pointed out, many attempts at help can easily be misinterpreted by fat people who have seen enough ridicule and putdowns to last them a lifetime. Getting up to free two adjacent seats can easily be seen as a snide derogatory gesture. Even offering to move to another free seat on an airplane might be viewed as "I'd rather not sit next to you."

I've encountered situations where I really feel tempted to approach a fat woman and tell her of DImensions, just point out that it is there should she want to check it out. Most of the time I don't as it requires explanation and, of course, the very delicate issue of a) the open reference that, yes, she is fat, and b) the difficult task of making the approach a positive thing, in just a few words. I've done a few times. Once, at a workplace, we ended up having a friendship where she came to me when she needed advice or re-affirmation.

Other times it's those brief encounters. On a flight long ago I walked to the back of the plane to ask the flight attendants for something. I was absently munching on some peanut MMs. Only one attendant was there, very attractive and somewhat chubby. She goes, "Mmm.. I like those!" I offered her some. She declined with a resigned, "Thanks. I can't. As you can well tell." I couldn't help but respond with a "But you are beautiful!!" She startd crying. That was at the time whent the airlines began cracking down on flight attendants who weighed more than 160 pounds or so. We talked a bit about this, and she seemed clearly happy to have a sympathetic ear.

You just never know when to act and when to just go on about your business.
Webmaster is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-20-2006, 12:54 AM   #14
maxoutfa
 
maxoutfa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: nevada, near Lake Tahoe
Posts: 208
maxoutfa can now change their title
Default

exactly, oh great Webmaster. You said what I was trying to convey in a much more succinct fashion. Thank you.

It is indeed so sad that there is a fat prejudice in this country - just the same as it's sad that race prejudice remains. I've been pretty much color blind in that regard for as long as I can remember (there were several hispanic and african americans working at the family business, and I used to beg my folkes to let me go fishing with them when I was quite small) - so when I began to come up against race prejudice it just seemed so wrong to me.

I've even been on the receiving end of reverse prejudice - I was the only white boy in a funk band, and while the other band members thought it was funny, there were alot of blacks in our audiences who didn't care for the idea of a white sax player playing in the black clubs in Oakland.

Similarly I received lots of bad looks from hispanics when I'd go into some of the tacquerias in the "little Mexico" district - even though I was dating a hispanic (which also garnered several evil glances).

It's certainly not a perfect world, and I truly feel badly when a simple compliment has to be analized to the nth degree; it's sad when one has to be defensive about the way you look, be it weight or color.

I keep thinking back to some of the nude beaches in Northern Italy that get frequented by lots of Germans. They seem to have the right idea all the way around - not only are they not so caught up in the nudity aspect, but they seem to not be worried about their body's appearance as well. Sure, there were some swimsuit model types parading around (and those seemed to be the only ones who were body conscious), but they were far outnumbered by large specimens of both sexes, who seemed to me to be the ones "keeping it real".
__________________
trying to make sense in a room full of dollars
maxoutfa is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:45 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Copyright Dimensions Magazine. All rights reserved worldwide.