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Old 03-11-2007, 04:57 PM   #1
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Default Resentment of tummy attention

A woman I'd been seeing recently - Mis - broke up with me. She was very open (at the end, at least) in speaking her mind and told me in frank terms the reasons why she left me. Among these reasons was one that confused and disturbed me.

She said that my paying attention to her stomach and thighs during lovemaking really upset her. Although she never mentioned it during our relationship, she said it had always bothered her to the point where she resented me. She does not like her body at this weight (she's 5'3", 160 lbs), wants to lose weight, and she said that my focusing on her tummy and legs at times made her feel bad because it brought them to attention. Basically, she hates herself for being a bigger woman, and hates that I liked it.

In bed, I would kiss and caress her everywhere, not just focus on these "danger areas", but apparently the times I kissed her stomach or caressed her thighs was a big turn-off for her. It's been a month since the breakup and I am still trying to understand it. I loved her and admired her just the way she is. I could understand that a woman would be mad at a guy for ridiculing how she looks, but why on earth would a woman resent a guy for accepting and liking the way she is?

I do remember another woman I once dated, and she had made a comment along the same lines - hated her belly and didn't want to be touched there. So that's two out of several relationships that mentioned this. The others never said anything.

This really bothers me. I don't know anymore what I should do with bigger women I meet in the future. Are there areas that are "hands off" with bigger women no matter how intimate the relationship becomes, or was this problem just an isolated incident? Did all the other women I dated feel the same way but just never said anything? I always thought that a person would appreciate attention from another person who accepts them as they are, but I am beginning to believe I have been wrong.
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Old 03-11-2007, 05:06 PM   #2
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Basically, she hates herself for being a bigger woman, and hates that I liked it.

In bed, I would kiss and caress her everywhere, not just focus on these "danger areas", but apparently the times I kissed her stomach or caressed her thighs was a big turn-off for her. It's been a month since the breakup and I am still trying to understand it. I loved her and admired her just the way she is. I could understand that a woman would be mad at a guy for ridiculing how she looks, but why on earth would a woman resent a guy for accepting and liking the way she is?

I do remember another woman I once dated, and she had made a comment along the same lines - hated her belly and didn't want to be touched there.
I might get some crap for saying this, but it really annoys me when women are like this. If you don't like it, either change it ir come to terms with it. I do not believe one should be in a sexual relationship if they cannot at least, on some level, accept themselves and their bodies. Well, I guess it's okay if they're at least really trying to accept themselves.

I think you should be frank with the women you date-- tell them how you feel, and see how they feel about it. If it's a dealbreaker for them, so be it. I really don't think a woman who can't even handle being shown love is ready for sexual things until she can come to grips with it.

Sorry if that's kinda harsh, but yeah.
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Old 03-11-2007, 05:11 PM   #3
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This really bothers me. I don't know anymore what I should do with bigger women I meet in the future. Are there areas that are "hands off" with bigger women no matter how intimate the relationship becomes, or was this problem just an isolated incident? Did all the other women I dated feel the same way but just never said anything? I always thought that a person would appreciate attention from another person who accepts them as they are, but I am beginning to believe I have been wrong.
You said that she was very open and frank with you. Just how open and frank were you with her about your preference and what you enjoy on a woman's body?

I think they could be isolated incidents, but if you are with a woman who isn't that comfortable in her skin, it could be a problem. The only way I really see to remedy that is to be very open with your partner about what you like..etc and just ask them if it's something they would be comfortable with or not.
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Old 03-11-2007, 05:15 PM   #4
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Find a woman who is confident and comfortable with her body and you'll elminate this problem (unless that is the ONLY area you pay attention to, which you say is not the case.)

I enjoy my entire body being touched, stroked, kissed, licked... of course some areas "work" more than others in a most basic sexual way, but they all feel good.

Her issue is exactly that, and you putting attention on something she hates about herself only makes her feel you are a "freak" for liking it.

Find out more about a woman's comfort level before you get them in bed, test the waters and follow up immediately to get an idea of her level of comfort.

She may just be uneasy, and will come around once she understand that you're happy and she can be as well. Others will never get there - her loss. Find a nice happy girl with a nice happy belly/thighs to enjoy and she'll be appreciative.

I have to say, the 160lbs range, in GENERAL, is so close to "media normal" that they can taste it. They're probably not too happy about a guy being into the things they consider their largest body faults - chubby belly or bulgy thighs.
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Old 03-11-2007, 05:16 PM   #5
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What sticks out for me in your post is that you say she never mentioned it during the relationship, and I think that's the problem. It sucks that she wasn't able to tell you that it made her uncomfortable and instead allowed this resentment to build up.

I can understand the feeling of being so ashamed of your body that it actually makes you angry when someone disagrees with you. But that's something that needs to be made clear in a relationship. That said, it's a profoundly hard thing for people to talk about, and I'm not surprised that she wasn't able to say it sooner.

I'm with tooz that you have to at least work to accept who you are, or change it, but damn that's hard. I'm sorry that your relationship suffered because of it.
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Old 03-11-2007, 05:19 PM   #6
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I have to say, the 160lbs range, in GENERAL, is so close to "media normal" that they can taste it. They're probably not too happy about a guy being into the things they consider their largest body faults - chubby belly or bulgy thighs.
I didn't even think about that, but man you're right. At that point you're in a strange limbo, and it's frustrating to not be 'one or the other', and it's so easy to get caught in a fugue of 'if only my belly were flat i would..' kind of thinking. Every touch, for her, would remind her that she wasn't what she wanted to be.
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Old 03-11-2007, 06:19 PM   #7
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Leopold, You say the communication in the relationship was open. I believe you. I would say this is her thing, as many of the others have said. DON'T make it your. As far as this aspect is concern, regarding the break up, if she as plenty of opportunity to say something before and didn't shame on her. She simply projected her dislike for herself on to you. Therefore in her mind she is not to blame. Untill she does, I pitty the next guy she dates. Just pick yourself up dust yourself off and move onward and forward. Im sure there are plenty of women who would be lucky and happy to date you.
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Old 03-11-2007, 08:13 PM   #8
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Hey, man, I'm sorry. I've been with a beautiful BBW for nearly three years now, but she's had a hell of a time getting used to the fact that I think her tummy and thighs are her sexiest parts. She's a lot better now, but my attention to those places still hangs her up from time to time. Even if you find someone who doesn't think you're a freak, it can still be a learning experience for the woman concerned. All I gotta say is keep trying.
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Old 03-11-2007, 11:05 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by leopold12 View Post
A woman I'd been seeing recently - Mis - broke up with me. She was very open (at the end, at least) in speaking her mind and told me in frank terms the reasons why she left me. Among these reasons was one that confused and disturbed me.

She said that my paying attention to her stomach and thighs during lovemaking really upset her. Although she never mentioned it during our relationship, she said it had always bothered her to the point where she resented me. She does not like her body at this weight (she's 5'3", 160 lbs), wants to lose weight, and she said that my focusing on her tummy and legs at times made her feel bad because it brought them to attention. Basically, she hates herself for being a bigger woman, and hates that I liked it.

In bed, I would kiss and caress her everywhere, not just focus on these "danger areas", but apparently the times I kissed her stomach or caressed her thighs was a big turn-off for her. It's been a month since the breakup and I am still trying to understand it. I loved her and admired her just the way she is. I could understand that a woman would be mad at a guy for ridiculing how she looks, but why on earth would a woman resent a guy for accepting and liking the way she is?

I do remember another woman I once dated, and she had made a comment along the same lines - hated her belly and didn't want to be touched there. So that's two out of several relationships that mentioned this. The others never said anything.

This really bothers me. I don't know anymore what I should do with bigger women I meet in the future. Are there areas that are "hands off" with bigger women no matter how intimate the relationship becomes, or was this problem just an isolated incident? Did all the other women I dated feel the same way but just never said anything? I always thought that a person would appreciate attention from another person who accepts them as they are, but I am beginning to believe I have been wrong.

A few years ago, I was exactly like your ex. When I dated my first FA, I was at the same time relieved that he adored all the things I hated about my body, as I was very self-consious of it. In my head, I thought *phew*, I dont have to be shy because he loves it! But when it came right down to it, the years and years of me hating my body and truly believing that I would never be sexy with a big belly came out and I could not bring myself to turn the lights on and be admired.

I can't even give you a good reason why. I guess since I had hated my stomach my whole life. My weight had been the biggest cause of problems for me in all of my relationships (family, friends, etc- all my own neuroses). So when I wanted to be intimate with someone, having him worship the one part of my body I truly hated made me feel so un-sexy that I wanted to crawl into a hole and avoid the whole situation forever.

I am so much better about it nowadays, a lot because of having been on Dimensions, but I still struggle with it a tiny bit. I can completely accept and enjoy someone liking my body, but it still feels the tiniest bit wrong to have someone specifically praise my tummy. The only thing I can think of is that maybe you were your ex's first FA, and she just has a ways to go. It is unfair to you that she never brought it up in the relationship, that much I hope you never have to deal with again.

Sorry for the long post, but I just wanted to share since I know exactly where she was coming from.
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Old 03-12-2007, 02:16 AM   #10
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I remember once a very long time ago cringing and pulling away when someone stroked my *arms,* because I was sure they were so hideous and outsized...I don't think then it would have been easy to find the words for why I was doing what I was doing, but I could have. With the right attention. And I can almost remember too (though my self-absorption) how hurt *he* looked. Now...I can't believe I ever felt that way, about any part of me.

People have issues about all sorts of areas, fat and thin. And most women are taught to think everything twixt knees and waist is too big and the wrong size. Talk about it next time, even if it's hard. Talk.

And in general, yeah--this kind of thing--in the big general--feels like such a sad waste to me these days! Such a sin and a shame. Life is SHORT. Thinking about me pulling away because of my fat arms (even as I was starved for touch!) just makes me sad and, ultimately, mad! If someone's into your form, then faboo. Let em worship it. Spread the luv around! Rarely do we get enough of it in this world--makes me feel a little insane to think of people fearfully pushing affection and lust aside out of insecurity. Insecurities have the strange effect of making people very closed-off, rather than open, to what's right in front of them...pushing away the goodness. Funk that. That's the only other warning I'd give you, Leopold--make sure you're not into the challenge and distance this situation provides.

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Old 03-12-2007, 04:57 AM   #11
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I sympathize, my friend.

I'm happily coupled now, but before I met my S.O. I had a date with a woman who answered an ad I placed specifically looking for a BBW. She got in touch, we talked and she told me she had gained 70 pounds in a year.

I'm not a feeder per se and my first reaction was to ask if she was ok with it. She said yes, and now she was looking for men who liked bigger women.

We had a date and she wanted to go back to my place afterward, so we did. We ended up hanging out together, kissing and taking off clothing here and there, but stopping short of sex because neither one of us claimed to want to do that on the first date.

Her stomach was FAT, round, and soft as a freakin' cotton ball. Just the softest thing I have ever come across in my life.

And she wouldn't let me touch it.

Anywhere else, but not there.

Was tough.

Naked, but you can't touch me there.

I wasn't angry or upset, you know---that's her right. But it was sad to see a supposed "out" big girl, who hated her big fat stomach that much.
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Old 03-12-2007, 05:55 AM   #12
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I'm so sorry to hear this leopold12. You must be devastated. Not every woman is the same. Some like to have their ear nibbled, some don't. But how are you supposed to know that unless she tells you? And if she'd told you, would that have been okay with you? Could you have gone on long not being able to touch her? It's a catch 22.

Don't be discouraged. Just because one woman doesn't like 'X' doesn't mean it's true for everybody. For some they may discover a new pleasure they had never considered before. You mustn't lose hope.

I'm sorry for the loss of someone you loved so much. Maybe she's happier now though I do hope the right combination happens for you soon.
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Old 03-12-2007, 06:06 AM   #13
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I hate to sound callous but sounds like shes done you a favour, sounds like a lucky escape. No good can come from a girl like that at least you can find a girl who comftable in her skin now.
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Old 03-13-2007, 04:49 PM   #14
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Thank you everyone for your insight and advice. It seems the lesson learned here is to be up front and communicate your needs and desires to the one you love. In my case with Mis I had done just that, and at her prompting to be open. That was one of the things about the relationship that really stunned me: she said she demanded openness in a relationship, yet she kept her negative feelings bottled up until the very end when it was too late to do anything about it. Every person is different though, and I can only hope the next woman I meet will be sincere in her words and will be open and honest about what she thinks and feels. So...I must continue to trust people and confide in them, however difficult it will be after this trial.
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Old 03-13-2007, 05:16 PM   #15
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leopold, being committed to always being honest and open in a relationship is incredibly honorable. you will absolutely find a woman who is able to do the same. the things that bother us about ourselves are hard to talk about, but honesty in a relationship is essential. you seem to know that even if some others don't.

this woman might have been great in some ways, but if she wasn't able to open up to you about her feelings, she wasn't the one for you.

i think you sound like a great person and i wish you luck.
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