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Old 03-21-2007, 09:17 PM   #26
Wayne_Zitkus
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Default

There were two brothers, who were very close all their lives. Jim Frank always stayed on the straight and narrow, while his brother Sam was always a troublemaker. But they shared a strong brotherly bond nevertheless.

Unfortunately, they both died at the same time and found themselves at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looked at them and said, Jim Frank, welcome to heaven. Sam, I'm afraid you'll have to go to the other place.

For the first time, Jim and Sam were separated.

After a few months, Jim was lonely. Sure, Heaven was beautiful, but he missed his brother Sam. Finally, he went to see St. Peter.

"St. Peter, can't you let my brother come here?"

"I'm sorry, Jim. Rules are rules, you know."

"Well, can I go visit him?"

St. Peter thought for a moment and said, "Let me talk it over with The Boss."

St. Peter went to talk to God, and returned a few moments later.

"OK, Jim - here's what we can do. You can go visit your brother for one day, but then you have to come right back here - OK?"

Jim was overjoyed. "Oh, that's GREAT!! Thank you, St. Peter!"

So preparations were made for Jim's trip to hell. And when he got there, he saw that his brother was doing very well. Sam and Satan were real close, he had a Cadillac to drive around in, and women hanging on each arm. Sam had even built a disco down there for others to enjoy. And although Jim had always been rather straight-laced, he enjoyed dancing the night away in his brother's disco.

Finally, it was time for Jim to return to Heaven. He said goodbye to his brother and ascended. Since it was late, the Pearly Gates were locked, so he knocked to have St. Peter let him in.

St. Peter heard him knocking, and went to open the Gates. He took one look at Jim and said, "Jim Frank!! You're a mess!!! Your gown is dirty, your wings are bend, your halo is tarnished, and what happened to your harp?"

Jim realized he didn't have his harp, and suddenly remembered where he had left it.

"Oh, no!!", he exclaimed. "I left my harp in Sam Frank's Disco!!!""

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Old 03-23-2007, 11:29 AM   #27
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Default

Yes, I am shamelessly bumping my own threads...

As seen in a dog's diary :

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!

3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!
7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!

8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!

As seen in a cat's diary:
Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction that I get from clawing their furniture.


Tomorrow I will eat another houseplant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. I must remember to try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was

Hmmm, that did not work according to plan .

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." I must learn what this is and how I may use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.

The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I have patience, I can wait, it is only a matter of time

*************************************

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman
standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like
most - cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
"Beertits," he said


***************************************


A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get
their Parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the
front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken."

"What's the morale of that story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put allyour eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are
Farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we
had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Sarah.

"Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Cathy. Aunty
Cathy was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her
plane got hit..she had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral
did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

Stay the f**k away from Aunty Cathy when she's been drinking
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"The longing of my heart is a fairy portrait of myself: I want to be pretty; I want to eliminate facts and fill up the gap with charms."

"See these eyes so green, I can stare for a thousand years, Colder than the moon
It's been so long and I've been putting out fire with gasoline"
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Old 03-23-2007, 04:02 PM   #28
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Buffie View Post
There are 3 kinds of people in this world...

Those who can count... and those who can't.
There are two kinds of people in the world...

Those who finish everything they start..
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Old 03-23-2007, 05:07 PM   #29
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Default blow jobs revenge

A woman and her boyfriend are out for New Years
having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having
a good time together she starts talking about this really
great new drink. The more she talks about it the more
excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend
into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar
-- a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys and a shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the
shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink
the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot
of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks -
this is OK. Finally he picksup the lime juice and drinks it...
in one second the sharp lime taste hits... at two seconds the Baileys
curdles...
at three seconds the salty curdled bitter
taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being
manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend,
he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally
chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend.
She smiles widely at him and says, "So, how did you like it?"

Not bad he replied.
"It's called 'Blow Job's Revenge" she said
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Old 03-23-2007, 08:10 PM   #30
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FreeThinker View Post
There are two kinds of people in the world...

Those who finish everything they start..
LOL... Confession - it took me a second to "get" that one. I'm in the Duh-Zone.

Here's another.



Ever had a case of Deja Moo?








It's the feeling that you've heard this bull before.
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Old 03-23-2007, 08:31 PM   #31
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Default

I got this in an e-mail from one of my co-workers the other day:

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night
of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on
a warm Spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up
on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my husband died
some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't
felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down
and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot
him, The Little bastard.
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Old 03-24-2007, 05:56 AM   #32
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Two alligators were relaxing in the swamp talking.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
"I cain't understand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me.
We're the same age, and we was the same size as kids. I just don't get
it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin', boy?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up into one of them Lexus and wait fer one to open the car
door.
"Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat
'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't
gettin' any real nourishment."
"See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a Politician,
there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase!"
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Old 03-24-2007, 02:35 PM   #33
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Here's one I just got in an e-mail from my cousin Karen back East:

Keep the motor running

He's 72, She's 24. It was the stir of the town when an 72 year old man married a 24 year old girl!.

After a year of marriage she went to the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying: " This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said: "You are truly amazing. how do you do it?" He again said: "You've got to keep that old engine running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said: "Well, well, well !!! you are certainly quite a man!" He responded, " You've got to keep the old engine running."

The nurse then said: "Well, you better change the oil. "This one's black. "

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Old 03-26-2007, 09:37 PM   #34
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Default The Crabby Wife

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound King crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I couldn't help myself. It's interestingly humorous.
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Old 03-27-2007, 03:45 AM   #35
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Here's one I just got in an email...
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Old 03-30-2007, 03:05 AM   #36
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Default Quick improvised joke

So a rabbi, two state troopers and a nun all walk into a bar together.

What'll ya have?," the bartender asks the rabbi, who seems to sort of be in charge.

"I'll have what she's having," he answers loudly, pointing to an old disshevelled woman sitting alone drinking at the bar.

"Who?," the bartender replied.

"What she's having? That woman there," the rabbi said a little softer, pointing again at the woman.

"There's no one there," the bartender said quietly.

The rabbi, the state troopers and the nun all looked in disbelief at the spot where the woman had just been. She was gone. Long silence.

"What is this?," the bartender demanded. "Some kind of joke?"
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Last edited by Santaclear; 03-30-2007 at 03:07 AM. Reason: OK, bear with me, I just made that one up on the spot. They all can't be funny.
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Old 03-30-2007, 09:19 PM   #37
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WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT? (taken from actual papers written by a class of
8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's. A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady! Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money. When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks." They don't say, "Hurry up." Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth and gums out. Grandparents don't have to be smart. They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?". When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again. Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us. They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time and kiss us even when we've acted bad. A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.'' GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM! It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog."
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Old 03-31-2007, 10:40 AM   #38
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Default "Little Mary is all jitters . . . "

Quote:
Originally Posted by Green Eyed Fairy View Post
Have jokes you wish to share? Do you find some of those email jokes that are always being passed around absolutely hilarious? Well, this is the spot to share them

Well, here's an oldie, but goodie, which came to mind during a recent shopping trip.

Little Mary is all jitters as she and her mother prepare her for her entry into high school social circles, her first dance. She is, perhaps a bit behind in her physical development, so mama is doing what mothers have done forever, "tucking in some cotton, where Nature has forgotten." She tops it off with a family heirloom, a strand of pearls, handed down from mother to daughter for generations.

Mary's date, Jerome, shows up at the door with the requisite corsage, and off they go. Some time later, but not nearly long enough, Mary is back at her mother's door, in tears. Her mother is nonplussed, but manages to ask what has gone wrong.

Mary: "He kept staring at my chest. He asked, "Gee Mary - are those real?" Well!"

Mother: "Well, I hope you told them that they were. They belonged to your great-great grandmother and have been in the family for generations."

Mary: "Oh! The pearls! I forgot about the pearls!"
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Old 03-31-2007, 04:05 PM   #39
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A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The Minister fainted!!!!

************************************

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss one in the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in deeper. His wife tried to help, but after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful - isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

************************************

A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit
Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"
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"See these eyes so green, I can stare for a thousand years, Colder than the moon
It's been so long and I've been putting out fire with gasoline"
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Old 03-31-2007, 05:42 PM   #40
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Dedicated to Swamptoad



Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outta night crawlers.
He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf.
He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat froggie.
Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be real careful or he'd get bit.
He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit.
He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free.
But Boudreaux, him, hada real good grip on his haid, yeh.
Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can.
Boudreaux gona run outa bait...

Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan.
He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a Alabama moonshine likker.
He pour some drops into de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp.
Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish'n.
A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe.
He slowly look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin... wif two more frogs.


Life is good...
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Old 04-03-2007, 01:52 PM   #41
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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons: "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up to the bar, and dropped his trousers, placing his privates in the alligator's mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde girl timidly spoke up: "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me so hard on the head with the beer bottle."


********************************
THIS ONE IS REALLY GOOD


A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He has probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous if he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey, I love you."
To which the wife responded,
"he wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you too."



*********************************

Dictionary by gender:

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's bonnet.
male : The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

LESBIAN (lez-bee-an) n.
female: A woman who makes love to other women.
male : A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male : Playing cricket without a box.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male : A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

COMMUNICATION (ko-muu-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male : Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with
the lads.

BUM (bum) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look
bigger.
male : The organ for mooning (and farting).

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male : Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male : Sex

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male : An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male : What women do while the man is shagging.
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"The longing of my heart is a fairy portrait of myself: I want to be pretty; I want to eliminate facts and fill up the gap with charms."

"See these eyes so green, I can stare for a thousand years, Colder than the moon
It's been so long and I've been putting out fire with gasoline"
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Old 04-03-2007, 03:42 PM   #42
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Default Wanna "do it"?

Sexual Job Descriptions

Anthropologists do it with culture.
Archeologists do it with mummies.
Bankers do it with interest, but pay for early withdrawl.
Boy Scouts do it in the woods.
Carpenters do it tongue in groove.
Chemists do it in test tubes.
Chess players mate better.
City Planners do it with their eyes shut.
Cops do it with cuffs.
Deprogrammers do it with sects.
Divers do it deeper!
Electricians do it until it Hertz!
Engineers do it with precision.
Entomologists do it with insects.
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
Fed-Ex agents will absolutely, positively do it overnight.
Firemen do it wearing rubber.
Firemen do it with a big hose.
Firemen find `em hot, and leave `em wet!
Gyneacologists mostly sniff, watch and finger.
Hypertrichologists do it with intensity. (WHO?)
Lawyers do it in their briefs.
Lawyers do it with extensions in their briefs
Let a gardener trim your bush today!
Mathematicians do it in theory.
Metallurgists are like iron.
Moonies do it within sects.
Multitaskers do it Everywhere: Concurrently!
Nuns do it out of habit.
Philosophers think about doing it.
Photographers do it in the dark.
Plasterers to it hard.
Politicians do it with everyone.
Pool cleaners do it wet.
Popes do it in the woods.
Quantum mechanics do it in leaps.
RISC assembly programmers do it 1073741824 times a second.
Scuba divers do it deeper.
Shakespearean scholars do it... or don't do it, that is the question....
Skydivers go down faster.
Sociologists do it with class.
Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
Systems programmers keep it up longer.
Usenet freaks do it with hard drives!
Vicars do it with amazing grace.
Waitresses serve it hot.
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"The longing of my heart is a fairy portrait of myself: I want to be pretty; I want to eliminate facts and fill up the gap with charms."

"See these eyes so green, I can stare for a thousand years, Colder than the moon
It's been so long and I've been putting out fire with gasoline"
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Old 04-03-2007, 05:11 PM   #43
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Default Touch!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Green Eyed Fairy View Post
Sexual Job Descriptions

Anthropologists do it with culture.
Archeologists do it with mummies.
Bankers do it with interest, but pay for early withdrawl.
Boy Scouts do it in the woods.
Carpenters do it tongue in groove.
Chemists do it in test tubes.
Chess players mate better.
City Planners do it with their eyes shut.
Cops do it with cuffs.
Deprogrammers do it with sects.
Divers do it deeper!
Electricians do it until it Hertz!
Electronic Tech's have the touch!!!
Engineers do it with precision.
Entomologists do it with insects.
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
Fed-Ex agents will absolutely, positively do it overnight.
Firemen do it wearing rubber.
Firemen do it with a big hose.
Firemen find `em hot, and leave `em wet!
Gyneacologists mostly sniff, watch and finger.
Hypertrichologists do it with intensity. (WHO?)
Lawyers do it in their briefs.
Lawyers do it with extensions in their briefs
Let a gardener trim your bush today!
Mathematicians do it in theory.
Metallurgists are like iron.
Moonies do it within sects.
Multitaskers do it Everywhere: Concurrently!
Nuns do it out of habit.
Philosophers think about doing it.
Photographers do it in the dark.
Plasterers to it hard.
Politicians do it with everyone.
Pool cleaners do it wet.
Popes do it in the woods.
Quantum mechanics do it in leaps.
RISC assembly programmers do it 1073741824 times a second.
Scuba divers do it deeper.
Shakespearean scholars do it... or don't do it, that is the question....
Skydivers go down faster.
Sociologists do it with class.
Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
Systems programmers keep it up longer.
Usenet freaks do it with hard drives!
Vicars do it with amazing grace.
Waitresses serve it hot.
Electronic Tech's have the touch, Hahaha!
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shows in how you treat those who hate you.

You got to lose to know how to win.(Aerosmith-Dream On)

Fat is like grass, it'll never go away and there's a hell
of a lot of money to be made by controlling it!

Life is only therapy, real expensive and no guarantees.

Fat is only ugly to those who hate.

Federal Pacific Panels & Breakers have known fire hazards!
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Old 04-03-2007, 06:52 PM   #44
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Green Eyed Fairy View Post
Sexual Job Descriptions

Anthropologists do it with culture.

etc...
Combat shooters do it 52 times a minute in 13 positions.
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Old 04-03-2007, 08:03 PM   #45
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These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations...

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"

"I would not allow this employee to breed"

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"

"He's been working with glue too much"

"He would argue with a signpost"

"He has knack for making strangers immediately"

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"

"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"

"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"

"A prime candidate for natural deselection"

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"

"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"

"One neuron short of a synapse"

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"

"Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"
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Old 04-03-2007, 08:24 PM   #46
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bbwsweetheart View Post
WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT? (taken from actual papers written by a class of
8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's. A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady! Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money. When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks." They don't say, "Hurry up." Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth and gums out. Grandparents don't have to be smart. They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?". When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again. Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us. They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time and kiss us even when we've acted bad. A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.'' GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM! It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog."
These are funny!

Cool thread.
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Old 04-05-2007, 08:03 PM   #47
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I didnt read all the jokes yet, so I jope that I dont make a duplicate here.

3 married couples (one couple has been married for 50 years, one couple married for 15 years, and one newlywed couple) all die, but they aren't supposed to die. When they get to the pearly gates, Saint Peter tells them of the mix up and informs them that since they weren't expected so soon, there wasn't enough information to let them into heaven. He then informs them that they would be sent back to their bodies for 2 weeks, and if they could simply refrain from having sex in that time, they would be let into heaven.

After two weeks, the couples are called back to heaven to tell about their experiences, The husband of the couple that was married for 50 years told Saint Peter, "We have been married so long, and know each other so well that not having sex for 2 weeks was a piece of cake." Saint Peter allowed them into heaven and then turned to the couple that had been married for only 15 years and asked them "Will you be allowed in heaven?" The wife said, "Well, the first week was okay, but the second week we had to actually live in different states to avoid any contact with each other--but we made it the whole 2 weeks." Saint Peter allowed them in. Finally he turned his attention to the newlyweds. "How about the two of you? Will you be allowed into heaven?" the newlywed husband said "Oh MAN! That was the hardest thing we ever had to do. The first week was sheer hell, but we made it through..." Then with a look of worry he continued, "...but we didn't do too well the second week. My wife bent over and I couldn't resist her sexy body." Saint Peter said "Oh I am sorry, we can't let you into heaven." and the wife smiled and said, "Oh that's okay, after last week--we aren't allowed into the frozen food section of Kroger either."
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Old 04-06-2007, 12:49 PM   #48
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A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is
stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks- "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

-It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's 'personality' is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man
"Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and, without missing a beat, blurts out.........."I'll be damned.........My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

****************************

WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE??

The day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't," said the little boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled,
"Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

*********************************

Men's rules

01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only, it is permissible.

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

03: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off imits forever, unless you actually marry her.

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.

08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if
necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation2. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever
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"See these eyes so green, I can stare for a thousand years, Colder than the moon
It's been so long and I've been putting out fire with gasoline"
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Old 04-08-2007, 07:56 PM   #49
Green Eyed Fairy
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Default

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the
morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?"she asks.
"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped "I think you should help him, and should be ashamed of yourself.

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

************************************

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The
doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a
semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She
tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."
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"The longing of my heart is a fairy portrait of myself: I want to be pretty; I want to eliminate facts and fill up the gap with charms."

"See these eyes so green, I can stare for a thousand years, Colder than the moon
It's been so long and I've been putting out fire with gasoline"
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Old 04-08-2007, 08:23 PM   #50
imfree
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Default That's Funny!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Green Eyed Fairy View Post

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The
doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a
semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She
tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."
Hahaha!!!, now, Green Eyed Fairy, I LOVED that one!!!
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shows in how you treat those who hate you.

You got to lose to know how to win.(Aerosmith-Dream On)

Fat is like grass, it'll never go away and there's a hell
of a lot of money to be made by controlling it!

Life is only therapy, real expensive and no guarantees.

Fat is only ugly to those who hate.

Federal Pacific Panels & Breakers have known fire hazards!
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