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Old 04-13-2007, 09:16 PM   #101
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I think I can understand the appeal of immobility, but only if it weren't permanent.

As ripley (??) said, I would love to have someone wait on me and bring me goodies. I like nothing better than to spend all day in bed with a stack of magazines and a supply of yummy snacks. (In fact, that may be the plan for tomorrow.) Mostly, that's because I get tired of having to be so bloody self-sufficient all the time. I'm proud that I can be - I just wish there was someone to take up the slack when I'm feeling lazy.

But getting to the point where someone was doing things for me because I was *incapable* of doing them myself? My pride won't allow me to accept help like that. It's ingrained in me from a lifetime of thinking that as long as I can take care of myself, I'm not truly bothering anyone, and I'm the only one inconvenienced by my size (and I'm the only one who has to accept the consequences). Maybe that's partly a trust issue on my part - I have yet to meet someone else who is not also fat who is proactive in accommodating my needs. And if those needs became greater, I would have a harder and harder time having to ask for help all the time. I'm stubborn like that. And I think that I'd also have a harder time feeling like a was an equal partner in the relationship (which is very important to me) if I relied on someone else to get me to the bathroom and wipe my ass.

Unless I am "New Hampshire" sick - then I'll take all the help I can get.
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Old 04-13-2007, 09:19 PM   #102
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Originally Posted by MisticalMisty View Post
Just because someone chooses something out of the norm, doesn't mean they are mentally ill.
Whether doing it to yourself or others, abuse is not an alternate lifestyle.
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Old 04-13-2007, 09:21 PM   #103
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Whether doing it to yourself or others, abuse is not an alternate lifestyle.
You're assuming it's an abusive relationship.
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Old 04-13-2007, 09:22 PM   #104
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You're assuming it's an abusive relationship.
Harming yourself or harming others is abuse.
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Old 04-13-2007, 09:25 PM   #105
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Harming yourself or harming others is abuse.
Well, society tells me that being fat is harmful, so are you saying that I'm abusing myself?

Really, everything isn't so cut and dry, black and white.
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Old 04-13-2007, 09:30 PM   #106
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Unless I am "New Hampshire" sick - then I'll take all the help I can get.
When you're "New Hampshire" sick, you take the help because if you don't take it.... you die. LOL

But yeah, I can understand what you're saying. I'm really independent, but I do love when there is someone who enjoys the "honey dos"... I wish I had the honey to do it. If he wanted to fetch me a bowl of ice cream, yay me!

Immobility doesn't "work" for me because I enjoy doing too many things, and being as physically comfortable doing them as possible. But that is MY comfort, and I can't assume that mine is what anyone else's may be. If your mind views your body in an altered way, maybe you're really only comfortable when you get wherever that is. Maybe you find your real comfort level on the journey - it may not always be about the destination.

Sorry Carla, that wasn't even to you specifically, just made me think about it.

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Old 04-13-2007, 09:30 PM   #107
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Well, society tells me that being fat is harmful, so are you saying that I'm abusing myself?
Thin and fat are harmful in extremes. Immobility is obviously an extreme.
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Old 04-13-2007, 09:33 PM   #108
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I had an aunt who was in an accident. The folks in my family aren't exactly the brightest beads in the rosary but she was a shining star, very smart. She was in a roof collapse and was basically left bedridden. Because she was immobile and had the fat gene she was a very big woman, 512 at last weigh in but probably much more. Despite all that she was very healthy and had no issues with blood pressure, etc. and she had all kinds of ingeneous ways in caring for herself.

People were exceedingly cruel towards her whenever we went out. She would come to places with us in her wheelchair and people would shoot us mean looks assuming she ate herself into a wheelchair. It really broke her down to the point where she stopped wanting to leave the comfort and safety of her home, a woman who once longed to travel. It never dawns on people that fat people have accidents too, or that normal sized handicapped people are sedantary and they don't weigh 500 pounds.

I want to be careful in what I say because I don't want to come off as if I'm gung ho about immobility. Just that when somebody becomes immobile for any reason I'm uncomfortable with the morbid shadow that is cast on it. People who become immobile are not outcasts or helpless. I don't know a good way to say this because I'm just overwhelmed right now. I just don't feel comfortable promoting immobility as a door slammed in the face. It's not something I would say to a child, someone who has been in an accident, someone who is born with a disability or even someone who becomes that way due to reckless driving or a weight related issues. It seems strange to me to say to one person "You can do it!" and to another, "You're doomed," because we don't agree with how they got that way.

That being said, I do think that people should do their best to take care of themselves. Heather I don't judge you at all for feeling the way you feel. I just hope that you would seriously consider doing some small things like exercising your legs or strengthening your muscles to help yourself stay healthy for one thing, and to help the people around you who love and care for you. If anything happens to you, the people around will be the ones to fill in that gap where your own abilities leave off - it won't effect just you. With that in mind, consider taking on a more proactive role in insuring the best for your health and the health of the people around you while you explore this lifestyle.

*phew* Ok I'm through now, no more preachin'. Sorry.
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Old 04-13-2007, 09:52 PM   #109
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Tina,

I completely understand your thoughts and perceptions, but I can honestly say as a person who is into extremes.. I find myself pretty balanced and weight gain activities I have participated in, have been fun. I do know that there have been many unstable feedees who may or may not have had mental issues, but please don't group us all together. I think there are many different views from my side of the fence and we are all very different.

Fat Hugs,
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Who did I group together? I thought I have been making distinctions all along. I would really like to know, because that's twice now that I feel you are misreading me, and I don't get it. So, are you saying that I am grouping together extreme feeders and feedees whose only interest is the incapaciation and pain of the feedee in mind (and before anyone else goes there, again, mis-characterizing, I am NOT saying all feeders have pain and incapacitation in mind, and never have)? If so, I can live with that; if not, please explain how I have grouped everyone else togther, because I have painstakingly tried not to do that. Are all situations, feeders and feedees the same? No. I have never claimed they are.

Here's something from your post -- a post which I appreciated reading and gaining insight on. This, though, shows how people read through their own filters, and often don't really 'see' the words they are reading:

Heather:
Quote:
In closing, I do remember one thing that kept on being mentioned about the tube feeding picture and how only unstable women posted in such a situation....
You say you remember, but in fact, I believe you mis-remember if you are talking about my posts. I never -- not once -- put it that way. What I said was the photos I had seen, and admitted I hadn't seen them all. I would never, ever make such blanket statements.

I understand liking to be fat, I enjoy it to a certain degree myself, and almost daily (the exceptions being pain issues), but we do differ in the rest, as I have been to the point where it was too much for my body; and relentless, literally 24/7 pain is no picnic (nor is looking immobility square in the face, as I did), and decidedly unsexy. You are young, and your body can handle it. One day it will not, but that is your life and your decision. I do wish you the best in that, though, and I do not think you "look insane."

You say you're into extremes, and that you want to be huge. You say that if it gets to the point where it becomes unhealthy you'll stop, and that is a healthy outlook, I think. Thing is, though, that not all things can be reversed. But still, you are aware of what you are doing and it seems you don't want to stop living your life. Frankly, people can do what they like, and I'm not trying to stop anyone. But my opinion is that anyone wanting to do this to someone else in order to incapacitate them, or someone wanting to do it themselves or have it done to them so that they are incapacitated and no longer have a life outside of sitting, legs splayed, on a bed forevermore, people wiping their asses and having to wipe them down so that they never really feel clean, because they cannot even shower -- those people have a problem, in my eyes. My opinion, yes. I won't try to stop you or tell you that you are nuts, because I don't think you are. There is a huge difference in the way you talk about yourself and how others (others that I referred to before) have, and it is that difference that I based my observations (not judgements) on.

Again, thanks for sharing your views and life with the board. I understand not being able to always express oneself in writing as well as in person, just as the obverse is true for others (me, for instance). But I think you expressed yourself very well, and wish you the best in this and wish you continued good health.

As for Brenda, she has seen some who have seen the depths of hell. Her opinion is her opinion, just as we all have one. It's all theory when it's on a message board. When it has become part of your life, it takes on a whole different cast and meaning.
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Old 04-13-2007, 09:56 PM   #110
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Default I don't understand the rhetoric

I feel a certain empathy for the feeder community, even though I've no desire to practice it myself. There is an unfair underlying all or nothing presumption on the part of many feederism critics that the feeders/feedees I've chatted with do not reflect as being true.

Feederism, at least as I understand it, is simply deliberate weight gain for erotic purposes. It is not, as its critics often assume, always or even usually continuous to the point of immobility or even 200+ pounds from a starting point.

Some feeders/feedees gain, lose and regain the same weight multiple times within a range just because they like doing it. Others do it as a one time thing to a certain level and stop just for the experience. Isn't condemning such couples for consensually enjoying such behavior needless meddling in something that is really no one else's business?
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Old 04-13-2007, 10:48 PM   #111
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Wow, lots of new posts to chew on since I last checked in! A few disjointed thoughts before I go to bed:

Several people pointed out that weight gain, unlike most fetishes, is something that's visible -- unlike S&M, "you can't take the collar off," as someone put it. Dan Savage made the same point about FA-ism in his column a few months ago.

Yeah, this adds a new layer of complexity to the situation -- but I don't think it changes the basic principle that any sexual relationship needs to be based on mutual satisfaction and consent.

Cheryl makes the good point, which we should all be keeping in mind, that there's a big spectrum of possible reactions to gaining fantasies in between "doing nothing to satisfy them" and "indulging them to the point of immobility". There are plenty of possibilities for food-based roleplay, etc. that don't necessarily involve actual weight gain.

Heather's post pushed a lot of buttons for me. I think it's important for people who don't have the fetish to try to empathize with the fact that some people genuinely do -- it's part of who we are, wired into our brains at a subconscious, irrational level. Trying to repress it hurts, the same way that trying to stay in the closet must hurt gay people.

We all have to find a healthy way to live with our subconscious minds, and we all make different choices. To give you all an idea of where I'm coming from, I guess I'll confess here that my own fantasies involve mutual gaining -- in my fantasies, I'd love to be an SSBHM.

But I have health problems of my own and can't do it. Does this frustrate me? Hell yeah! But it's a trade-off I've chosen, as an individual, to make. If someone were to tell me "no, you can't gain!", I'd get very angry. And I respect and admire the fact that other people have made different decisions than I have.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that these feelings exist, and no, they're not rational, but they're there, they're not just a simple A-causes-B result of insecurity or whatever, and we have to deal with them. Heather's post touched a nerve for me, because, like her, I've had WG fantasies for as long as I can remember, and like her I was "the fat kid" in middle school. I became more average-sized when I had my teenage growth spurt -- I got taller but not bigger -- but I know exactly what she means when she says that being the fat kid was "heaven and hell at once." The teasing and embarrassment hurt, but it was also secretly a turn-on.

I know this makes no logical sense, and I know that it might even seem offensive to those of you who were/are fat and don't have these fantasies -- why would we deliberately put ourselves through that? I'd imagine it feels, in a way, like we're mocking you -- but it's the way some of us are wired.

Is it weird? Definitely. Is it a symptom of some deeper, underlying psychological problem? Maybe. But it's not going away, and each of us has to figure out the way of dealing with it that best fits our situation. If there's one principle I do believe is universally applicable to sexuality, it's this: if you repress your kink, it just messes you up worse. (Hello, Pastor Haggard!) Some people (like pedophiles) have to accept that they can't consensually act on their fantasies, and figure out how to live with that -- but we don't fall into that category.

I find it bizarre that someone would be turned on by having a limb amputated, but some people are. I'm sure there's a debate just like this one on some amputee forum. All I can try to do is give them the benefit of the doubt and try to empathize with the fact that, like all of us, they have subconscious/irrational needs and desires that they have to learn to healthily integrate into their personal lives.

OK, I'll step down off my soapbox now. I need to get some sleep . This turned out to be a much more ranty and personal post that I expected, but in the spirit of what Misty said -- that maybe my being honest and confident will help someone else -- I'll go ahead and post it.

(Heather, if you do come to the CT dance tomorrow night, let me buy you a drink -- in gratitude for that post and for everything else you've done for the community that I'm finally working up the nerve to become a part of.)
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Old 04-13-2007, 11:01 PM   #112
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I guess what I'm trying to say is that these feelings exist, and no, they're not rational, but they're there, they're not just a simple A-causes-B result of insecurity or whatever, and we have to deal with them. Heather's post touched a nerve for me, because, like her, I've had WG fantasies for as long as I can remember, and like her I was "the fat kid" in middle school. I became more average-sized when I had my teenage growth spurt -- I got taller but not bigger -- but I know exactly what she means when she says that being the fat kid was "heaven and hell at once." The teasing and embarrassment hurt, but it was also secretly a turn-on.

I know this makes no logical sense, and I know that it might even seem offensive to those of you who were/are fat and don't have these fantasies -- why would we deliberately put ourselves through that? I'd imagine it feels, in a way, like we're mocking you -- but it's the way some of us are wired.
Nah. I HATED my fatness growing up, but that doesn't seem offensive to me. You, after all, have a right to feel how you feel, and you enjoying your fat when young, didn't make life more painful for me or anyone else, so go with it. Hell, it would have been nice to feel that way, because at least there would have been SOMETHING to feel good about in all of that pain and humiliation. I didn't start liking my fat body until my eary thirties, and the only times I'm not thrilled with this bod is when I'm in pain for any length of time; but that's a separate issue.
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Old 04-13-2007, 11:13 PM   #113
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Thanks, Tina!

One more response, then I really do need to get to sleep. I just want to make it clear that one of the posts I was responding to was this one:

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Originally Posted by Brenda View Post
I see so many fat woman beaten down by life that there judgment is clouded when they meet a man who tells them they are so pretty and would just be a little more so if she gained. So maybe they get swept up by that for a time and than decide it is too much but find turning the tide is not so easy.
That's probably true -- and guys who take advantage of them are exploitative asshats. (How much profanity can I use on this forum, anyway? But you get my drift.) I haven't been involved in the BBW/FA scene for very long, so I don't know how many of these cases exist. But, as Heather and I have both said, some people, male and female, genuinely do have these fantasies.
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Old 04-14-2007, 01:38 AM   #114
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One thing that really bothers me is that everyone is always saying that the feeders/feedees get "picked on" and can't we just let them be etc. etc....well, feeders never let ME be.

I'm quite comfortably into SSBBW territory. and yet it's still never enough. If they are FAs (which I don't think they are) I've got more than enough F to A. There is something wrong when that is not enough; when I'm asked time and time again if I'm gaining or would be amenable to gaining. I'm not a person, I'm a balloon to be inflated.

Some girls are feedees and get off on it...I get that. More power to 'em, and I'll offer them all the sympathy I can muster when they post on the main board about being bedridden, are too big to fit in the ambulance, that their upkeep is ruining their husband's back and their marriage, they're in constant pain, and could someone please help?

A feeder told me, on first talking to me, that he'd marry me if I gained to 500. I was curious, and asked him if he could ever be happy in a relationship if the woman wasn't actively gaining, and he said no, that he couldn't be 100% happy. I don't think that's such a rare thing for a feeder. And to me it is WRONG. It puts a burden on any partner when the other partner's happiness depends on their altering their very being, in ways that, like it or not, are ultimately harmful.

You say let the feeders/feedees be, that it's consensual, that the participants are into it and know the risks...I say that maybe in a perfect world that's true. In the real world, there are exponentially more feeders than there are genuine feedees, and those feeders are so driven, so very very driven, that they actively recruit women to gain. Nine out of ten people who PM me in chat ask me if I'm gaining or would be amenable to gaining.

You know what the sad thing is? At one point I was tempted. I'm a very smart person, and I know my worth. I am lonely, though, and just looking at the odds of me finding a mate...they would increase tremendously if I would pretend to be a feedee. And if I could be tempted, so could other women. Couple the need for love and a mate with a SSBBW's natural inclination to creep up in weight...and you've got a volatile situation. Sure, he's not forcing her, controlling her, whatever...but it is a situation that mentally is not healthy for the woman.

I think it's interesting the comparison Brenda (?) drew between those that are aroused by amputating their own limbs and feeders/feedees. I wonder if people think that's A-OK 'cause after all, they know they'll end up in a wheelchair or with a prosthesis, but hey, they'll have a boner doing it so it's all good?
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Old 04-14-2007, 03:49 AM   #115
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...the only times I'm not thrilled with this bod is when I'm in pain for any length of time; but that's a separate issue.
Is it though I wonder? A completely separate issue?

I completely take the "each to their own - as long as it doesn't hurt anyone" view towards the feeder-feedee relationships ONLY if both parties are turned on by it sexually.

If one party is doing it to please the other then its not balanced. The feedee will at some point down the line (assuming an extreme case) experience mobility difficulties and see certain aspects of their lifestyle become limited or closed off to them. Unless that is actually what the feedee wants (or is prepared to accept as a consequence of realising their fantasy) then I really couldn't condone such a relationship.

I don't condemn it either per se... as I say, each to their own.

The undercurrent of "be bigger to be more beautiful" thinking that seems to exist across Dimensions... (and no doubt reflects the male part of the community as a stereotype) really irritates me sometimes. The cajoling and praising of BBWs by 'FAs' to reach the kind of weights that can only ultimately result in the kind of physical pain of which Tina speaks seems like a wholly negative and disrespectful thing to me... I say this, not least because a lot of the BBWs that come here are, initially at least, looking for acceptance... looking for an oasis of "its ok to be you" away from the mainstream "be thinner" message. To come to a place where the flipside to this is pushed as an ideal... i.e "be fatter" does nothing for size acceptance (slightly off topic... Sorry AM ... and I realise that this kind of thing is the reason we have so many different forums).
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Old 04-14-2007, 04:05 AM   #116
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You know what the sad thing is? At one point I was tempted. I'm a very smart person, and I know my worth. I am lonely, though, and just looking at the odds of me finding a mate...they would increase tremendously if I would pretend to be a feedee. And if I could be tempted, so could other women. Couple the need for love and a mate with a SSBBW's natural inclination to creep up in weight...and you've got a volatile situation. Sure, he's not forcing her, controlling her, whatever...but it is a situation that mentally is not healthy for the woman.
Rep is due....

Agreed... as I said in my previous post - if both parties are into it on a sexual level then its totally cool by me... their business...

but assuming thats not the case, then mental aspect of a bbw/ssbbw continually doing something to themselves that they dont want to... on account of wanting her to please her partner sounds like a permanent "am I good enough for him" style headf**k to me...
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Old 04-14-2007, 06:43 AM   #117
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Wow, lots of new posts to chew on since I last checked in! A few disjointed thoughts before I go to bed:

Several people pointed out that weight gain, unlike most fetishes, is something that's visible -- unlike S&M, "you can't take the collar off," as someone put it. Dan Savage made the same point about FA-ism in his column a few months ago.

Yeah, this adds a new layer of complexity to the situation -- but I don't think it changes the basic principle that any sexual relationship needs to be based on mutual satisfaction and consent.

Cheryl makes the good point, which we should all be keeping in mind, that there's a big spectrum of possible reactions to gaining fantasies in between "doing nothing to satisfy them" and "indulging them to the point of immobility". There are plenty of possibilities for food-based roleplay, etc. that don't necessarily involve actual weight gain.

Heather's post pushed a lot of buttons for me. I think it's important for people who don't have the fetish to try to empathize with the fact that some people genuinely do -- it's part of who we are, wired into our brains at a subconscious, irrational level. Trying to repress it hurts, the same way that trying to stay in the closet must hurt gay people.

We all have to find a healthy way to live with our subconscious minds, and we all make different choices. To give you all an idea of where I'm coming from, I guess I'll confess here that my own fantasies involve mutual gaining -- in my fantasies, I'd love to be an SSBHM.

But I have health problems of my own and can't do it. Does this frustrate me? Hell yeah! But it's a trade-off I've chosen, as an individual, to make. If someone were to tell me "no, you can't gain!", I'd get very angry. And I respect and admire the fact that other people have made different decisions than I have.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that these feelings exist, and no, they're not rational, but they're there, they're not just a simple A-causes-B result of insecurity or whatever, and we have to deal with them. Heather's post touched a nerve for me, because, like her, I've had WG fantasies for as long as I can remember, and like her I was "the fat kid" in middle school. I became more average-sized when I had my teenage growth spurt -- I got taller but not bigger -- but I know exactly what she means when she says that being the fat kid was "heaven and hell at once." The teasing and embarrassment hurt, but it was also secretly a turn-on.

I know this makes no logical sense, and I know that it might even seem offensive to those of you who were/are fat and don't have these fantasies -- why would we deliberately put ourselves through that? I'd imagine it feels, in a way, like we're mocking you -- but it's the way some of us are wired.

Is it weird? Definitely. Is it a symptom of some deeper, underlying psychological problem? Maybe. But it's not going away, and each of us has to figure out the way of dealing with it that best fits our situation. If there's one principle I do believe is universally applicable to sexuality, it's this: if you repress your kink, it just messes you up worse. (Hello, Pastor Haggard!) Some people (like pedophiles) have to accept that they can't consensually act on their fantasies, and figure out how to live with that -- but we don't fall into that category.

I find it bizarre that someone would be turned on by having a limb amputated, but some people are. I'm sure there's a debate just like this one on some amputee forum. All I can try to do is give them the benefit of the doubt and try to empathize with the fact that, like all of us, they have subconscious/irrational needs and desires that they have to learn to healthily integrate into their personal lives.

OK, I'll step down off my soapbox now. I need to get some sleep . This turned out to be a much more ranty and personal post that I expected, but in the spirit of what Misty said -- that maybe my being honest and confident will help someone else -- I'll go ahead and post it.

(Heather, if you do come to the CT dance tomorrow night, let me buy you a drink -- in gratitude for that post and for everything else you've done for the community that I'm finally working up the nerve to become a part of.)
Excellent post. I would also admit here that I have fantasies of mutual gain or even of being the sole gainer in a relationship. However, I am torn between the fantasy/desire of being fat with the reality of wanting to stay thinner. So in practice I am a hypocrite by wanting my wife to stay fat and not do so myself. This is on top of the guilt that an FA with no desires of being fat himself/herself might feel about the effects of the desire on one's partner. But in my defense, I do prefer my wife to remain mid-sized as a kind of compromise between my desires and reality.

Regarding the amputee fetish, I guess it is a bit more permanent to have a limb removed than to gain weight which theoretically can be lost. However, one should not forget the stretched out skin which sags down after a large weight loss and would require some surgery to remove. It also reminds me of reading a letter to the advice column in Penthouse from a guy who wanted his 30-something wife to have all her teeth pulled because of his fetish for having a toothless lover. Permanent but at least you can live a relatively normal life with dentures and nowadays with implants the dentures can be secured in place for a much better fit.

Thanks to Heather for her brave posts here. Having met her years ago at one of her dances, I think she seems a very kind-hearted person.
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Old 04-14-2007, 06:53 AM   #118
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One thing that really bothers me is that everyone is always saying that the feeders/feedees get "picked on" and can't we just let them be etc. etc....well, feeders never let ME be.

I'm quite comfortably into SSBBW territory. and yet it's still never enough. If they are FAs (which I don't think they are) I've got more than enough F to A. There is something wrong when that is not enough; when I'm asked time and time again if I'm gaining or would be amenable to gaining. I'm not a person, I'm a balloon to be inflated.

Some girls are feedees and get off on it...I get that. More power to 'em, and I'll offer them all the sympathy I can muster when they post on the main board about being bedridden, are too big to fit in the ambulance, that their upkeep is ruining their husband's back and their marriage, they're in constant pain, and could someone please help?

A feeder told me, on first talking to me, that he'd marry me if I gained to 500. I was curious, and asked him if he could ever be happy in a relationship if the woman wasn't actively gaining, and he said no, that he couldn't be 100% happy. I don't think that's such a rare thing for a feeder. And to me it is WRONG. It puts a burden on any partner when the other partner's happiness depends on their altering their very being, in ways that, like it or not, are ultimately harmful.

You say let the feeders/feedees be, that it's consensual, that the participants are into it and know the risks...I say that maybe in a perfect world that's true. In the real world, there are exponentially more feeders than there are genuine feedees, and those feeders are so driven, so very very driven, that they actively recruit women to gain. Nine out of ten people who PM me in chat ask me if I'm gaining or would be amenable to gaining.

You know what the sad thing is? At one point I was tempted. I'm a very smart person, and I know my worth. I am lonely, though, and just looking at the odds of me finding a mate...they would increase tremendously if I would pretend to be a feedee. And if I could be tempted, so could other women. Couple the need for love and a mate with a SSBBW's natural inclination to creep up in weight...and you've got a volatile situation. Sure, he's not forcing her, controlling her, whatever...but it is a situation that mentally is not healthy for the woman.

I think it's interesting the comparison Brenda (?) drew between those that are aroused by amputating their own limbs and feeders/feedees. I wonder if people think that's A-OK 'cause after all, they know they'll end up in a wheelchair or with a prosthesis, but hey, they'll have a boner doing it so it's all good?
You have made an excellent point. In reality there are far too few genuine and willing female feedees/gainers to go around for all the guys who want to live out their feeder fantasy. And it is absolutely true that they in large numbers are looking for fat women to 'recruit' into the lifestyle with varying levels of coersion. I had one guy tell me in a personal chat that with some of these lonely fat girls all you need to do is 'kill them with kindness' and you can manipulate them to become your feedee. In fact in December one girl posted on this board about having gotten involved with just such a feeder who was very nice to her but had a strong interest in having her become his submissive feedee to which she posted of being very tempted but concerned about the extreme expectations he had for their relationship. I have also heard from other women that they are continuously asked on Dim chat and otherwise about their intentions regarding gaining how much they eat, etc. etc. Most of these guys just seem to be like immature kids in a candy shop and totally out of touch with where the women are coming from. I see most of them as just being overzealous and foolish rather than malicious.

ETA: I guess I am a rat for divulging the private revelations from another guy to the board of women here
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Old 04-14-2007, 08:11 AM   #119
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I have also heard from other women that they are continuously asked on Dim chat and otherwise about their intentions regarding gaining how much they eat, etc. etc. Most of these guys just seem to be like immature kids in a candy shop and totally out of touch with where the women are coming from. I see most of them as just being overzealous and foolish rather than malicious.
Again, it's a person's responsibility to realize what is right and what is wrong for them. It's easy on the internet..STOP TALKING TO THE PERSON! I've done that on many occasions. As soon as they make me uncomfortable, they get a message telling them so and then I don't speak with them again.

One of the first questions I ask when a guy PMs me is what "is he." I'll ask if he's just an fa, or a feeder..etc. I want to know who I'm talking to. I know that if he's a feeder into weight gain, then he's not the guy for me. So he's told and we can continue to chat as friends or we can end communication.



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Originally Posted by Ripley
You know what the sad thing is? At one point I was tempted. I'm a very smart person, and I know my worth. I am lonely, though, and just looking at the odds of me finding a mate...they would increase tremendously if I would pretend to be a feedee. And if I could be tempted, so could other women. Couple the need for love and a mate with a SSBBW's natural inclination to creep up in weight...and you've got a volatile situation. Sure, he's not forcing her, controlling her, whatever...but it is a situation that mentally is not healthy for the woman.
Pretending to be anything you are not is deceitful, no matter if you're talking about being a feedee or not. I've been lonely too. It can be hard, but you can't allow yourself to change to find some man. It's not worth it and eventually the relationship will implode anyways because it's been built on lies.

Again, the temptation is a personal responsibility. Do I feel sorry for the girls waldo mentioned? somewhat, but they are adults and have to do what's right for them.


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Originally Posted by Ripley
One thing that really bothers me is that everyone is always saying that the feeders/feedees get "picked on" and can't we just let them be etc. etc....well, feeders never let ME be.
Just ignore them. Unless they have approached you in real life, hit the delete or ignore button. It really IS that simple.

Feeders are just like FA's just like members of the opposite sex when dating. The bad apples spoil the bunch. Not every feeder is some manipulative asshole looking to fatten his woman at all cost. Not every FA is some creepy dude that only wants to date your fat..Not every man/woman is a jerk/bitch. Do they exist? Yes..but it's unfair to generalize and stereotype the entire group based on the actions of a select few.

I'm sorry you've had bad experiences Ripley, I really am and I more than understand the loneliness of being a ssbbw. You just have to fight to stay true to who you are no matter who you come in contact with.
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Old 04-14-2007, 08:56 AM   #120
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Is it though I wonder? A completely separate issue?

I completely take the "each to their own - as long as it doesn't hurt anyone" view towards the feeder-feedee relationships ONLY if both parties are turned on by it sexually.

If one party is doing it to please the other then its not balanced. The feedee will at some point down the line (assuming an extreme case) experience mobility difficulties and see certain aspects of their lifestyle become limited or closed off to them. Unless that is actually what the feedee wants (or is prepared to accept as a consequence of realising their fantasy) then I really couldn't condone such a relationship.

I don't condemn it either per se... as I say, each to their own.

The undercurrent of "be bigger to be more beautiful" thinking that seems to exist across Dimensions... (and no doubt reflects the male part of the community as a stereotype) really irritates me sometimes. The cajoling and praising of BBWs by 'FAs' to reach the kind of weights that can only ultimately result in the kind of physical pain of which Tina speaks seems like a wholly negative and disrespectful thing to me... I say this, not least because a lot of the BBWs that come here are, initially at least, looking for acceptance... looking for an oasis of "its ok to be you" away from the mainstream "be thinner" message. To come to a place where the flipside to this is pushed as an ideal... i.e "be fatter" does nothing for size acceptance (slightly off topic... Sorry AM ... and I realise that this kind of thing is the reason we have so many different forums).

I repped you for this.....it's all absolutely true. You can easily go from feeling hideously ugly in the real world to feeling like a piece of meat that needs to learn to "fit into the program" - this is especially true in the chat.
Ripley is correct about the people (read men) that seem overly eager to treat you like a balloon there. I also agree with Misty about asking them straight up if they are feeders or what and I always feel the need to tell them right off the bat "you ain't feeding me buddy" . (read I have grown paranoid about feeders in chat WHEN THEY ARE IN THE MAIN CHAT ROOM and really have grown some sort of distrust/dislike about some of them that I previously have not had until Dims chat and my contacts with SOME of them- some others have been nice, polite men with whom I enjoy chatting regularly) I guess this always goes back to approach and how any particular man thinks he should/can treat a woman and is not always a characteristic of feeders only, in all fairness.

I think James' post is quite relevant to the topic at hand because I think it helps get to the heart of the matter here as to why some women here simply don't like the feeder guys.
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Old 04-14-2007, 09:07 AM   #121
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It's practically a cliche around here. I know of several women who come to sites like this and say they want to gain 'wait' plz hlp because they want to meet men, and then feeders who complain about all the fake feedees, etc. I get approached by male feed hogs online all the time too which really irritates me as well and I AM a feedee*. ( *I do hate that description, but that's for another day ) I rarely go to chat simply because I get tired of swatting them away, but I can see how if someone is longing for a person in their life it could get frustrating after a while when it seems like all the FA's want a feedee, something that as a feedee I can tell you is completely false. After a while a person might contemplate the possibility of caving in to these goons who continue to paw at them for feed fodder. You've got 22 rabid abusive feeders who've gathered in one place and it can obscure the bigger picture that these goons do NOT represent the norm. They are idiots. Either that or they are just looking for a cyber turn on from a fattie who is willing to talk to them about their fat. If you think these men are going to sweep you off your feet if you say the right words then I've got a bridge to sell you in Kansas. Unless you're into that kind of thing, don't waste your time even talking with these men. They have a wife, kids and picket fence at home or they live with their mother and have never worked a day in their lives. You don't want them.

Unfortunately, predators come in all persuasions. A person doesn't have to be a feeder to be a toxic person you need to avoid. You can go around and tell the insecure women how to avoid getting stuck with a toxic feeder only for them to fall into the hands of a drunk, a gambler, a felon or just a plain ass. What I'm trying to say is, an ass is an ass. Feeder is not synonymous with Awful Person, Feedee (cringe) is not synonymous with lonely f*%ed up suicide risk - though both can be. I don't want to de-legitimize anyone's bad experiences with toxic feeders/feedees because surely I agree with them. I just want to stop short of lumping us all together as being dangerous people because it's not true. It's this climate that makes people afraid to step forward which merely feeds the hysteria. These angry assumptions prevent people from hearing from anyone other than the freaks in chat.
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Old 04-14-2007, 09:14 AM   #122
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Is it though I wonder? A completely separate issue?
Hi James.

Yes and no. It is separate because I love my body independent of the pain, when it's just regular ol' pain. But when it gets to be too much, for too long, I'm not so thrilled with my body. So of course they are intrinsically tied on the one hand, but my journey to lovin' the fat was a separate issue.

I hope this makes sense; I just woke up.
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Old 04-14-2007, 09:15 AM   #123
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The undercurrent of "be bigger to be more beautiful" thinking that seems to exist across Dimensions... (and no doubt reflects the male part of the community as a stereotype) really irritates me sometimes. The cajoling and praising of BBWs by 'FAs' to reach the kind of weights that can only ultimately result in the kind of physical pain of which Tina speaks seems like a wholly negative and disrespectful thing to me... I say this, not least because a lot of the BBWs that come here are, initially at least, looking for acceptance... looking for an oasis of "its ok to be you" away from the mainstream "be thinner" message. To come to a place where the flipside to this is pushed as an ideal... i.e "be fatter" does nothing for size acceptance (slightly off topic... Sorry AM ... and I realise that this kind of thing is the reason we have so many different forums).
I feel like this has been said a hundred times here - but mostly by women. To hear it from you means the world. Sad that the bearer of the message changes the meaning of it's delivery so much - but, it does.

Thank you.
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Old 04-14-2007, 09:39 AM   #124
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Originally Posted by waldo View Post
Regarding the amputee fetish, I guess it is a bit more permanent to have a limb removed than to gain weight which theoretically can be lost. However, one should not forget the stretched out skin which sags down after a large weight loss and would require some surgery to remove. It also reminds me of reading a letter to the advice column in Penthouse from a guy who wanted his 30-something wife to have all her teeth pulled because of his fetish for having a toothless lover. Permanent but at least you can live a relatively normal life with dentures and nowadays with implants the dentures can be secured in place for a much better fit.
Two things.

First, I do tire of men who are constantly writing [somewhere] wanting to change their girlfriend's/wife's body. Full to the gills. Who do these pompous assholes think they are that they get to make that decision for the woman they supposedly love? Wonder how they would feel if she was actively looking for ways to make him have a bigger dick, because his is just not cutting it.

Second, so many say or think, "oh they/I can just lose weight if they/I don't like it." If it was that easy, would you be fat in the first place? Most people do not want to be fat, especially early on, and do not usually instantaneously like being fat and marginalized in society. Many have to consciously come to self-acceptance and love.

So, you're stuck with a huge body that hurts all the time and doesn't move well. You figure you'll get WLS, but then that doesn't work either.

Waldo, your best-case scenario of needing surgery for loose skin (which is a very painful and difficult surgery to recover from) presupposes the person was even able to lose weight in the first place. Again, if that were so easy, Dimensions would be populated by mostly male feeders and fat admirers, because it doesn't take a researcher to see that many fat people -- even here -- either don't want to be fat at all, or want to be much less fat.

As someone who had to lose weight for health and mobility reasons, and who still has probably about maybe 50 lbs to go -- 50 lbs that have been not wanting to come off for over a year now in an almost 3-year effort, and without WLS -- I can tell you that when a body wants to be fat, it will find a way to hold on to it, body and mind. Or, in other words: it ain't that easy!
Quote:
Originally Posted by MisticalMisty View Post
Again, it's a person's responsibility to realize what is right and what is wrong for them. It's easy on the internet..STOP TALKING TO THE PERSON! I've done that on many occasions. As soon as they make me uncomfortable, they get a message telling them so and then I don't speak with them again.

One of the first questions I ask when a guy PMs me is what "is he." I'll ask if he's just an fa, or a feeder..etc. I want to know who I'm talking to. I know that if he's a feeder into weight gain, then he's not the guy for me. So he's told and we can continue to chat as friends or we can end communication.
Here's a scenario for you, Misty.

The guy in chat doesn't tell you he's a feeder. You hit it off great, end up meeting and you really like him a lot. He likes to take you out to dinner, and buys you flowers and candy regularly. You decide to move in together. As part of a quick and healthy breakfast before you each go to work, he whips you both up smoothies. You notice you're really gaining some weight, but you chalk it up to being happy and going out to dinner together -- being wined and dined. This guy is so good to you in many ways and you love him deeply. You remember your life before him, always complaining that you're tired of being alone and you want a mate and children -- a happy family.

Turns out he is a feeder, and not only that, but being sick and tired of all the fat women out there who do not want to get fatter, he picked one he was really attracted to and decided to take care of business himself, on the sly.

You've lost weight in the past and wanted to pretty much stay there, because, after all, even though you've sent such mixed messages on the board like, "It's been a lousy day! I need a feeder to buy me some food!!" you really don't want to gain.

You try to cut back a bit and start watching what you're eating more -- maybe not so much in an effort to lose weight, but just to stop gaining. Yet, you still continue to gain. You've pushed a number of red flags aside, because not only do you want to be loved -- long to be loved -- but you love this man in particular.

You become suspicious and start looking around and find some kind of weightgain powder, and figure he's been putting it into your morning smoothies on the sly and you're livid. You're also conflicted, because you adore him.

Now what?

Is this all your fault? You unwaveringly lay responsibility 100% on the women in these various scenarios, yet relationships are 50-50, and even when it appears that the man is maybe being manipulative or deceptive, it's always the woman who should be blamed. You seem to portray yourself as being so strong -- that you would never fall for it. I wonder if you're so invincible, Misty. And guess what? These scenarios are not just fiction. I wish for you that you never end up in such a situation, but you could.

And for all of you who want to jump all over me about this for 'painting all feeders as being evil," let me remind you of my past words about it, but also let me tell you that more times than I can count, though not so much as when we had the old board format, guys were looking for weight gain powders and ways to secretly fatten their spouses. You weren't here to see it? Can't help that, it went on with regular frequency.
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"I'm really tired of a fat woman's sexuality being just another fat joke." -- Felicia/Supero

"It's my belief that these sheep are laborin' under the misapprehension that they're birds. Observe their be'avior. Take for a start the sheeps' tendency to 'op about the field on their back legs. Now witness their attmpts to fly from tree to tree. Notice that they do not so much fly as... plummet." -- Monty Python's Flying Circus

Last edited by Tina; 04-14-2007 at 09:45 AM.
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Old 04-14-2007, 09:54 AM   #125
MisticalMisty
 
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Tina, I have respected you until this last post. I will not answer it because it's completely unfair of you to create a scenario and use things I've actually said on the board or things that have happened in my life.

Every feeder I've ever talked to knows up front that while I do enjoy being cooked for, taken out to dinner..etc..that I'm a foodee and not a feedee. I've made that declaration on this board several times.




Last edited by MisticalMisty; 04-14-2007 at 09:56 AM.
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