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Old 04-22-2007, 12:30 PM   #1
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Default "Closeted" BBWs?

Okay, with all the "Closet FA" and "When did you become an FA?" threads I see around here, I've started thinking. A lot of the fat women here say you can't hide being a BBW, so it's not fair. Even I've said this, actually. But, now that I think of it, you kind of can.

I feel like there are two major types of fat women. The first is women who are fat. Okay, that sounds redundant, but what I mean is women who are fat, and not okay with it-- women who eat lettuce on a light dressing-dipped fork and nothing else, women who hide themselves away on some emotional or physical level because they are fat. Maybe like they just accept the role society is handing them. Does this make sense? I'm having a horrible time putting what I mean into words. I guess you either know what I mean or you don't. Anyway...

The second type is the "BBW" type in mentality, I guess. These are the women who are okay with themselves, maybe proud or happy or what have you, and basically are just living life. You know, this makes sense in my head, but as it's coming out, I'm scared this won't make sense. Basically, someone who says, "I am who I am, I am okay with being fat and it's OKAY that I'm okay with being fat."

Now, this isn't to say that if you are fat and want to lose weight that you fall into the first category. I guess those are just kind of examples up there, not exactly what I mean.

ANYWAY.

My point is that there are times where I feel like I am a "closeted BBW." With my ex (a non-FA), I remember trying to ask him if I had changed his opinion on fat chicks. I remember trying to tell him that I felt okay with being fat, and that I actually preferred it to being thin. It was tremendously hard for me. I could never actually say it outright to him, and we were together for two years. I have always mostly felt okay with myself, but there was a big problem in letting others know-- like closeted FAs are scared of being judged for liking fat women, I was (and am, at times) scared of being judged for being okay with being fat. People react strangely to that, almost like you're breaking some law by not being on a constant diet if you're fat.

Yesterday, I went to a show put on by a student group at my uni, and there was one number about fast food. It was a semi-"romantic"-style song, but at the end, the man was saying, "oh, you've gotten so fat, you must lose weight." The girl was still singing about food. The audience was laughing quite hard-- it was supposed to be funny. It WAS amusing in some way, but the underlying tone made me think of this subject.

So, the point of this thread is for fat women to discuss the sort of BBW Closet thing. It's easy to be "open" about being (or enjoying being, or even becoming) a fat woman here at Dimensions, but how is it in the real world for you? Honestly, if weight ever truly came up on conversation with the people I know, it might be a stressful situation for me.

Personally, I'm somewhere between having "closeted" and "open" emotions.

I hope this is the correct place to post this, and I hope some other women respond or even know what I mean about this. If not, I'll feel silly.
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Old 04-22-2007, 12:48 PM   #2
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Hey, you are not silly!
I completely understand what you are saying, my dear.
Hope you get some good answers...

Tight hugs,
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Old 04-22-2007, 12:52 PM   #3
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I think you raise some very interesting points. In many ways a lot of fat women (myself included) hide in the pictures they post that they are indeed fat. Or that they are only fat in more desirable areas i.e. they show a thin face, but display large breasts and ass. I wonder if we would recognize each other on the street. A large reason why I now very rarely post pictures of myself is I recognize I am not being totally honest when I select pictures that I like because I appear thinner.


For years I was pretty much okay with my body and would share that with most people if the subject arose. I am no longer okay with my size for a variety of reasons and am actively changing it.

My niece recently gained a lot of weight and her clothes are very tight on her. I told my sister that she needed to buy her clothes that fit her now and that waiting for her to lose weight is not the way to go. She responded along the lines of oh so now you are all size acceptance again. Ouch. I was always for accepting others bodies mine just needed changing for health reasons.


I better stop rambling.

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Old 04-22-2007, 01:10 PM   #4
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I think you raise some very interesting points. In many ways a lot of fat women (myself included) hide in the pictures they post that they are indeed fat. Or that they are only fat in more desirable areas i.e. they show a thin face, but display large breasts and ass. I wonder if we would recognize each other on the street. A large reason why I now very rarely post pictures of myself is I recognize I am not being totally honest when I select pictures that I like because I appear thinner.
Well, when I first came to Dimensions, I wouldn't even give any information that would reveal who I was, let alone post a picture. I was terrified that someone I knew "IRL" might find me here and be disgusted or something. Now, just recently, I posted some pictures here (recent pictures thread) that someone else took of me during a skit I was doing. It was a huge step for me. Even then, I wouldn't post them on, say, Myspace. I am definitely more open here. Day to day, though, it's just kind of a different story for me still.
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Old 04-22-2007, 01:18 PM   #5
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Do you mean, for example, people who constantly chatter on about diets? Do you feel bad about not standing up to such prattle? I suppose that would make me not out and about. In work/school siutations in the past, I would keep my mouth shut. But in other ways, I wouldn't hide either. I ate what I want without constantly going on about it being 'sinful' or being 'bad', not afraid to eat in public. I wish to be smaller, but when I've spoken about weight loss goals to others, they don't understand the wish to be at a still considerably hefty size. I guess in some ways, people don't understand it takes a lot confidence and negotations within your own psyche to get to such a point.

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Old 04-22-2007, 01:19 PM   #6
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Well, when I first came to Dimensions, I wouldn't even give any information that would reveal who I was, let alone post a picture. I was terrified that someone I knew "IRL" might find me here and be disgusted or something. Now, just recently, I posted some pictures here (recent pictures thread) that someone else took of me during a skit I was doing. It was a huge step for me. Even then, I wouldn't post them on, say, Myspace. I am definitely more open here. Day to day, though, it's just kind of a different story for me still.
I'm glad you joined, Tooz!
And I think you don't have to be uncomfortable posting pictures.
You don't deserve guys like your ex!!
I think you are very cute

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Old 04-22-2007, 01:19 PM   #7
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Being fat, and being totally fine with it, is part of who I am to anyone who knows me for any length of time. If someone mentions diets around me, I easily state that I don't do that.... etc. I don't advocate becoming fat (nor do I say you shouldn't), I speak only for me. In terms of ME... I'm happy, and everyone who's spent time with me in a work place or social setting where the conversation became appropriate was clear on where I stand.

It's not easy to get to that place, I spent a lot of time being "secretly" ok with me, and just not commenting when weight/diets came up. However, since becoming totally comfortable, it's not a struggle any more. I don't have to muster up the guts to lay out a quick anti-diet quip, or an "I like me" line.

It's second nature to the point where I feel like if I DON'T say something, I'm being untrue to myself.

You'll get there, Tooz!!!

Great thread, I think it's a good topic.
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Old 04-22-2007, 01:24 PM   #8
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I think you raise a very interesting point, Tooz, and one which I've never really considered. I always kinda figured it was an all-or-nothing thing. Heh.
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Old 04-22-2007, 01:26 PM   #9
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It's not easy to get to that place, I spent a lot of time being "secretly" ok with me, and just not commenting when weight/diets came up. However, since becoming totally comfortable, it's not a struggle any more. I don't have to muster up the guts to lay out a quick anti-diet quip, or an "I like me" line.

It's second nature to the point where I feel like if I DON'T say something, I'm being untrue to myself.

You'll get there, Tooz!!!

Great thread, I think it's a good topic.
This is a wonderful thread.

I wonder if that being secretly okay can sort of work in reverse-- that is, maybe for the people who are okay with themselves *only* on Dims, and secretly don't feel so great about their bodies IRL, being here and almost forcing a guise of self-acceptance can eventually make that self-acceptance a reality in every-day life.

In other words, If I tell myself that I'm ok a thousand times, maybe I'll *feel* it the thousand and first time.
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Old 04-22-2007, 01:33 PM   #10
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You could say I was a "closet" bbw for a long time. While it was hard to hide my size, I outwardly acted like I didn't mind being fat. Those who knew me very well, knew that I struggled with my weight and severe depression because of it. Within the last 3 years, I've truly found acceptance in my size. I never look at myself in the mirror and think hateful or negative thoughts about myself anymore. Each day, I see an attractive woman. However, since I've accepted my size, I don't see myself as fat anymore...UNTIL I see a picture of me. That's when my little "reality" comes back and tells me that I'm fat...otherwise, I don't see it.
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Old 04-22-2007, 01:39 PM   #11
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UNTIL I see a picture of me. That's when my little "reality" comes back and tells me that I'm fat...otherwise, I don't see it.
Oh man, I know how you feel. It's so easy to misjudge your size...and then, you see a picture. The ones I posted, when I first saw them, I wouldn't say it shattered anything, but I still just took a step back and said, "damn." I wasn't as upset about it as I thought I'd be, but I still was bigger than I'd realised.
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Old 04-22-2007, 01:41 PM   #12
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Oh man, I know how you feel. It's so easy to misjudge your size...and then, you see a picture. The ones I posted, when I first saw them, I wouldn't say it shattered anything, but I still just took a step back and said, "damn." I wasn't as upset about it as I thought I'd be, but I still was bigger than I'd realised.
I'm rarely upset about pictures of myself, but they do make me think "whoa," sometimes.
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Old 04-22-2007, 02:35 PM   #13
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I'm okay with myself but I'm not really an 'UP' kind of person most days. I just want to be left alone. For example, where it really gets me is around food. I bring my lunch to work or I buy my lunch and I am really weird about people seeing what I'm eating - big meal, small meal it doesn't matter. And people DO try to get a glimpse of what's on my plate! It shocks me that so many people are so danged interested. I go out of my way to hide it in a bag or under a plate most times because I prefer to just 'BE.' I don't want to be a bbw, I don't want to be thin, I don't want to be the token black chick - I just want to be left alone and I hate the idea that I have to represent something all the time. The whole business is just burdensome most times. It's not quite being the BBW, it's not quite being in the closet. I don't know what it is, maybe it's just being a hostile witness.
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Old 04-22-2007, 03:32 PM   #14
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I hate the idea that I have to represent something all the time.
bingo.

sometimes i really WANT to leave my house in my scrubby clothes and pad to the store in my flip flops for some soy milk, and i hate the fact that if i were to ever actually do that, i'd feel like i was singlehandedly reinforcing all the icky stereotypes fat women are saddled with (lazy slobs, ketchup stained sweatsuits, no pride in their appearance, blah blah blah etc.). like every person i see on the street is going to look at me and think to themselves "yep. see?'
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Old 04-22-2007, 03:38 PM   #15
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I'm okay with myself but I'm not really an 'UP' kind of person most days. I just want to be left alone. For example, where it really gets me is around food. I bring my lunch to work or I buy my lunch and I am really weird about people seeing what I'm eating - big meal, small meal it doesn't matter. And people DO try to get a glimpse of what's on my plate! It shocks me that so many people are so danged interested. I go out of my way to hide it in a bag or under a plate most times because I prefer to just 'BE.' I don't want to be a bbw, I don't want to be thin, I don't want to be the token black chick - I just want to be left alone and I hate the idea that I have to represent something all the time. The whole business is just burdensome most times. It's not quite being the BBW, it's not quite being in the closet. I don't know what it is, maybe it's just being a hostile witness.
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Old 04-22-2007, 03:57 PM   #16
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This is a wonderful thread.

I wonder if that being secretly okay can sort of work in reverse-- that is, maybe for the people who are okay with themselves *only* on Dims, and secretly don't feel so great about their bodies IRL, being here and almost forcing a guise of self-acceptance can eventually make that self-acceptance a reality in every-day life.

In other words, If I tell myself that I'm ok a thousand times, maybe I'll *feel* it the thousand and first time.
Yes, that's part of what we like to call "fake it 'til you make it" and it often starts with an online community like this, or going to a NAAFA convention or a bash. You're fine there, and eventually you start realizing if you're fine there, then why can't you, and why SHOULDN'T you, be fine the rest of the time? You get to the point where you refuse to feel shitty about yourself just because that's the roll assigned to you by the rest of the world.

You're right on, that's how it works!
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Old 04-22-2007, 04:07 PM   #17
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bingo.

sometimes i really WANT to leave my house in my scrubby clothes and pad to the store in my flip flops for some soy milk, and i hate the fact that if i were to ever actually do that, i'd feel like i was singlehandedly reinforcing all the icky stereotypes fat women are saddled with (lazy slobs, ketchup stained sweatsuits, no pride in their appearance, blah blah blah etc.). like every person i see on the street is going to look at me and think to themselves "yep. see?'
My brain is useless today so deep thinking is way out my reach, but I'm wondering if sometimes without meaning to we make things more of an issue because we keep making things more of an issue. We should demand common dignity, not soft shoe around trying to prove to the world that we're worthy of it.

*sigh* I'm having a moment. *shakes fist in the air*
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Old 04-22-2007, 04:14 PM   #18
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My brain is useless today so deep thinking is way out my reach, but I'm wondering if sometimes without meaning to we make things more of an issue because we keep making things more of an issue. We should demand common dignity, not soft shoe around trying to prove to the world that we're worthy of it.

*sigh* I'm having a moment. *shakes fist in the air*
No, I think you're right to some extent. I don't carry or talk a party line out of a sense of obligation, but because it's part of my true voice. There are days when I want to be hidden, background, leave me be... fuck off and die. Those days aren't going to be part of environmental advocacy, pro-fat fooferah, have your pets spayed and neutered messages, etc.

The fun, social, good times, the times when it makes sense are the times I'll be free with my feelings WHEN THEY COME UP IN NORMAL CONVERSATION. Not on a job interview "Hi, nice to meet you. I'm pro-fat."

So I think you're right... I think it's not about proving worth or shouting from the rooftops. I think it's about a presence that just IS, and people take your confidence, contentment, whatever from that.

Also, I go scrubbed out to the grocery store without a second thought, and when I do, I still don't hang my head like a loser because of my clothing on that day... I am just having a scrubbed out day, but hey, we all have those. I'm just as entitled, it's definitely not about putting on a show... it's about always being true to who you are - that's all.

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Old 04-22-2007, 04:26 PM   #19
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I easily understood you Tooz and have to say that I was/still am the first kind but have been working REALLY HARD on being the second kind- I think I have made great progress

I also understood what Brenda was saying, too - it's sometimes HARD AS HELL for me to post pics of my stomach- especially that one where I'm in a black slip and a guy from chat morphed it and posted it (with my permission). For the most part, I said it was okay for him to do it because I felt it was a type of "therapy" for me to put it out there. Pulling it out of me and laying it open to the world doesn't allow me to hide anymore behind my mind, now does it?


Coming here and seeing so many confident BBW's has really helped me too- as well as discussing all my insecurites with the other people here and realizing I'm not alone
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Old 04-22-2007, 05:11 PM   #20
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Excellent, excellent thread, Tooz. I'm not in a place to respond right now, but I wanted to let you know that I completely understand what you're saying, and hope to give my input eventually.
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Old 04-22-2007, 06:29 PM   #21
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Something that I do is I find strange, to those "outside" this community I say I don't diet and I'm not interested in dieting I'm perfectly happy with how I look and who I am. However I HAVE discussed with friends here at Dimensions that I do need to eating more heatlhy (not some much dieting) and mantain a more active lifestyle.

I think It may be because people here don't judge my size like other people in my life and opening a conversation about dieting to "dieters" just is not a conversation I want to have.

I like what AnnMarie said that it took a long time to get where she is now and I think I'm still not there but thanks to women like her I have someone to look up to in a way. Finding that total comfort with my size.


Great Thread Tooz
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Old 04-22-2007, 06:34 PM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bigsexy920 View Post
Something that I do is I find strange, to those "outside" this community I say I don't diet and I'm not interested in dieting I'm perfectly happy with how I look and who I am. However I HAVE discussed with friends here at Dimensions that I do need to eating more heatlhy (not some much dieting) and mantain a more active lifestyle.

I think It may be because people here don't judge my size like other people in my life and opening a conversation about dieting to "dieters" just is not a conversation I want to have.

I like what AnnMarie said that it took a long time to get where she is now and I think I'm still not there but thanks to women like her I have someone to look up to in a way. Finding that total comfort with my size.


Great Thread Tooz
Berna, I hear you on that. I think most people here understand that eating healthier is not usually a means to another end... like being thin, and it's very hard for "outsiders" to understand the difference. It's a damn big difference to want to feed your body better, but not having that automatically equal body dissatisfaction.

I know for me, that's why I'd always be more comfortable talking about it here than I would in front of "dieters"... they wouldn't hear what I'm really saying.

And thanks. You're an amazing woman, inside and out - you'll definitely find the comfort.
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Old 04-22-2007, 06:36 PM   #23
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Good points, Tooz and everyone. I relate to a lot of this regarding many of my own internal battles even though I'm not fat. In a sense almost everyone with some outsiderness has to wrestle with issues like these.
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Old 04-22-2007, 08:20 PM   #24
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[QUOTE=AnnMarie;416861] I speak only for me. In terms of ME... I'm happy QUOTE]

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Old 04-22-2007, 08:42 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by LillyBBBW View Post
I'm okay with myself but I'm not really an 'UP' kind of person most days. I just want to be left alone. For example, where it really gets me is around food. I bring my lunch to work or I buy my lunch and I am really weird about people seeing what I'm eating - big meal, small meal it doesn't matter. And people DO try to get a glimpse of what's on my plate! It shocks me that so many people are so danged interested. I go out of my way to hide it in a bag or under a plate most times because I prefer to just 'BE.' I don't want to be a bbw, I don't want to be thin, I don't want to be the token black chick - I just want to be left alone and I hate the idea that I have to represent something all the time. The whole business is just burdensome most times. It's not quite being the BBW, it's not quite being in the closet. I don't know what it is, maybe it's just being a hostile witness.
I understand your feelings. This is one of the reasons why I avoid restaurants, especially buffets. I try to eat my meals alone or with people who will not stare at my plate. Geez, fat people gotta eat, too.


I never been in the closet about my size. It is what it is. I'm tall and fat. So I've gotten used to the constant stares.


I just try to keep my mind in the right place: sanity.
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