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Old 04-28-2007, 09:56 AM   #51
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Originally Posted by LillyBBBW View Post
Not speaking for Lapwing because I don't actually know how she feels, but it seems to me that a journey of self acceptance is one you want to take on your own at your own pace. While grappling with inner hesitance on something it is easy for someone on the outside to say, "Don't be silly! Of *course* you can wear this loin cloth and tube top in public. You're beautiful and sexy!" It would feel like being pushed or watched even if that's not actually happening.
Yep. Our self-esteem is to some extent contingent upon what others think of us, but if you're not yet at the level of self-acceptance so that YOU feel that you're beautiful, no amount of outside encouragement is going to fix that. It comes from within, and can take a loooong time.
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Old 04-28-2007, 10:08 AM   #52
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Yep. Our self-esteem is to some extent contingent upon what others think of us, but if you're not yet at the level of self-acceptance so that YOU feel that you're beautiful, no amount of outside encouragement is going to fix that. It comes from within, and can take a loooong time.
There can be a difference between accepting that somebody else may find your size/shape appealing and not liking it yourself. It's not really different from changing hairstyles or outfits or wearing/not wearing makeup. You may "know" your partner prefers the natural look but you think you look better wearing makeup. Some guys have fetishes for older women; even though this is a fact, some women still get Botox. If you're curvy, you can accept that some men like that shape but still not think it looks good in your own opinion.
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Old 04-28-2007, 10:20 AM   #53
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There can be a difference between accepting that somebody else may find your size/shape appealing and not liking it yourself. It's not really different from changing hairstyles or outfits or wearing/not wearing makeup. You may "know" your partner prefers the natural look but you think you look better wearing makeup. Some guys have fetishes for older women; even though this is a fact, some women still get Botox. If you're curvy, you can accept that some men like that shape but still not think it looks good in your own opinion.
You said it better than I.
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Old 04-28-2007, 11:14 AM   #54
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Not speaking for Lapwing because I don't actually know how she feels, but it seems to me that a journey of self acceptance is one you want to take on your own at your own pace. While grappling with inner hesitance on something it is easy for someone on the outside to say, "Don't be silly! Of *course* you can wear this loin cloth and tube top in public. You're beautiful and sexy!" It would feel like being pushed or watched even if that's not actually happening.
I think there a couple different issues here and the lines are being blurred. One is self-acceptance. I understand that is not easy, and can take a lot of time. The other is acceptance of the admiration from an FA. That is also not easy. The line from the earlier post that struck me was "I can't tell him that I enjoy the fact that he likes me the size I am. " Now she is using the term 'enjoy' as opposed to a word like tolerate or accept. From the standpoint of an FA who has always had to worry about whether a fat girl will be able to handle my attraction to her (and maybe I should just keep it to myself, lest she think I am some sort of perverted fetishist) and one whose wife has more so tolerated than enjoyed my attraction to her body - I see this as an opportunity for increased bonding between a couple when she can truly appreciate him. That is not to say it will be easy for her to discuss it with him, but it is worth the effort: and if you can't tell your spouse how you feel, that seems like a problem in the relationship.
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Old 04-28-2007, 11:16 AM   #55
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Wow, Rebecca, just wow. You've put into words something that sounds really close to how I feel, but I didn't quite realise it until reading your post.

This is what resonated with me-

"Instead, I think I have walked around all these years feeling like I'm in a big plastic bubble--perfectly visible and perfectly untouchable. You can see me, but you'll never touch me (even with words) unless I want you to. In a sense, I have hidden behind honesty for most of my adult life, preferring to wear everything I am on the surface and simply daring other people to challenge it."

from your post. Now I need to figure out what I'm going to do with this realization. If you have any suggestions, I'd be happy to hear them.

Thanks, and glad you're back at Dims.
It's always nice when we find we're not alone in something, isn't it

Honestly, I have no suggestions for you, because I'm not completely sure I want to change. I'm not sure that this isn't exactly how I want to live. As yet.

At any rate, I do wish you the best.

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Old 04-28-2007, 11:24 AM   #56
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There seem to be a group of people who will only accept fat people who are trying to lose weight, and it would be easy, I suppose, to be closeted around such yahoos, if one were so inclined.

It's been about 15 years now since I decided to change the way I felt about my body and perceived myself. It's a jouney I am forevermore glad I took, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I am definitely out about being fine with my fat and having that kind of confidence. Some don't know how to take it, and in the past, a couple have tried to say stuff like, "you're not fat." Come on, 340 lbs is fat any way you cut it, and I have to give them this look like, 'you must be kidding!'

Too much of the world is uncomfortable with fat -- on others, and particularly on themselves. It's never too late to learn to love your bod, as is, fat and all.
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Old 04-28-2007, 11:38 AM   #57
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Default Preference/Acceptance.

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I think there a couple different issues here and the lines are being blurred. One is self-acceptance. I understand that is not easy, and can take a lot of time. The other is acceptance of the admiration from an FA. That is also not easy. The line from the earlier post that struck me was "I can't tell him that I enjoy the fact that he likes me the size I am. " Now she is using the term 'enjoy' as opposed to a word like tolerate or accept. From the standpoint of an FA who has always had to worry about whether a fat girl will be able to handle my attraction to her (and maybe I should just keep it to myself, lest she think I am some sort of perverted fetishist) and one whose wife has more so tolerated than enjoyed my attraction to her body - I see this as an opportunity for increased bonding between a couple when she can truly appreciate him. That is not to say it will be easy for her to discuss it with him, but it is worth the effort: and if you can't tell your spouse how you feel, that seems like a problem in the relationship.
True, but there is also (in my thinking) a difference between preference and acceptance. I sometimes think there is a little too much pressure towards "acceptance" or a mindset that if you work hard enough, you can feel good about something you truly don't like.

I can't see where that HAS to work in either direction. An FA is going to be hot for fat chicks no matter what society or his friends or the mass media tell him. It's just that he likes what he likes. A woman who prefers that her own body look a certain way is not necessarily a brainwashed victim of the media any more than a SSBBW who thinks she looks fabulous is delusional or stupid. I don't think you can like a certain body type (on yourself or others) any more than you can convince yourself that you have a certain sexual preference that you flat out don't have.
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Old 04-28-2007, 11:42 AM   #58
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I can't see where that HAS to work in either direction. An FA is going to be hot for fat chicks no matter what society or his friends or the mass media tell him. It's just that he likes what he likes. A woman who prefers that her own body look a certain way is not necessarily a brainwashed victim of the media any more than a SSBBW who thinks she looks fabulous is delusional or stupid. I don't think you can like a certain body type (on yourself or others) any more than you can convince yourself that you have a certain sexual preference that you flat out don't have.
Bingo. Again. A woman may prefer her body fat, or may prefer it thin, and acceptance isn't necessarily going to change that preference.

I wish I had blue eyes. Even if someone loved me *because* of brown eyes, I would still want them to be blue.
(and don't start singing 'don't it make my brown eyes blue)
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Old 08-28-2008, 01:01 PM   #59
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Default Secret society??

We may not b a secret society...but are relatively few....I wud call it a discreet society...probably betr...Whenevr I try to boast abt my prefernce
I find disapprovl and jokes,,,partticularly w/latinos like me....bettr to b discreet I guess....or hv arguments....RAY
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Old 08-29-2008, 02:48 AM   #60
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Great thread Tooz. I totally get what you are saying about there being 2 types of fat women.
It is assumed by a lot of people I am in denial when I say I am happy and fat. Even some of my friends seem to think I am putting on a front. But thats due to their own issues with the way they look. Anytime any of them talk about losing weight and I tell them they don't need to, or ok if they are going to do it properly not through starving themselves, I get told off. One actually said to me the other day that I just want everyone in the world to be fat. This really annoyed me, I want everyone in the world to be happy with themselves that is all. Thin or fat, just genuinely happy.
But sometimes if feels as if I am a traitor to them because I can't do the diet talk or the wooo I lost 2lbs talk.
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Old 08-29-2008, 03:37 AM   #61
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Talking "Real World" Issue

As a man, I sympathize with this. You raised an intriguing point mentioning how, away from a positively focused website such as this, to the usual rigamoreau of the real world can be full of situations where majority opinion scorns, and even laughs, at the subject of overweight women as if it's just alright with everyone. Men seem to have it much easier. No one tells Wilford Brimley or Charles Durning to slim down, but every day the tabloids jab at some Hollywood bint, compete with incognito shades, at some random-ass Cali country club sporting 5 or 10 extra pounds.
Of course it's hard to hold your head up high in a world like this. The fact that you do have an element of pride and DO love yourself, not only for who you are but how you look, is more than admirable.
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Old 04-01-2009, 04:12 PM   #62
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Tooz, I think you make some excellent observations. Obviously, if you're 100 lbs. above the accepted norm, that fact is hard to cover up. So, it's easy to SEE that a woman or man is fat. But there are two divisions among both genders and you're right, it's either you accept your weight and feel comfortable in your own skin, or you feel you have to tell the world that, yes, I'm fat, but I'm dieting so that I won't be fat anymore.

It's the same for FAs or FFAs, admitting that you think the fuller figure is attractive automatically makes you, maybe not a pariah, but consigned to the category of weird with a tendency toward fetishism. In both instances, you refuse to admit that you are what you are and you like what you like.

That's why I think the idea of fat acceptance is so difficult. It's not just the skinny world that has to accept fat, it's the fat world that has to admit to itself two things. First, I'm fat and I don't apologize for it. Second, I think I'm every bit as attractive as any thin person, maybe more. But I think we're on our way toward this acceptance.

I was a closet FA for many years. I came out of that particular closet when I was 50 and the only regret I have is that it took me so long to set aside the built in prejudices of society and let myself be ME!
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Old 04-02-2009, 11:15 AM   #63
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sure i think there are closeted BBWs. heres some of the things i think can look like a closet of one type or another.

1. doesn't feel comfortable being social at non acceptance gatherings.

2. is afraid to eat what she likes--double edged, meaning she will try to impress with how much or how little she eats depending on the crowd rather than eating what her choices are.

3. is making sure every square inch of her body is concealed, or resembles a thin girl in shape if not in size. that would include a dependence on spanks and girdles etc... and is afraid that her body might move in a non thin way.

4. tries to do everything thin girls do, even when it may be physically permanently damaging, just to fit in and look "normal".

5. never even references being fat unless its in the context of losing outside of acceptance.

6. really thinks only FAs can like her body so she is afraid to give other men a chance. she also tends to think that all other men besides FAs want her to lose weight.

7. whether a guy likes her weight is her first consideration when dating a guy instead of whether she likes him or not.

8. she has no hope for her career because she doesn't think fat women can progress so she will do things to damage it because deep down she feels it does not matter.

9. puts aside dreams because she feels fat folks can't do those kinds of things. rather than investigating how she can do something she will just assume and give up.

10. lives a 100% fat life. that would be in career, dating and every other aspect you can think of--like a fat bubble she can live inside of.

11. living an 100% unfat life associating with other fat people as little as possible.
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Old 07-09-2009, 12:12 PM   #64
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Until I changed my perception of fatness, it was hard to see any value in me since my self-definition was a weak willed fat person. My relationship to my body vacillated between unconsciousness to repulsion for many years. I had been thin several times in my life, and it took several attempts at being thin to appreciate that thin didn't get me anything but a smaller dress size and approval from other for about two days. Once I embraced fatness other areas of self-acceptance fell into place. My biggest regret is that I was a pretty woman when I was young and did not know that since I was too busy hating myself for being fat. The same issues that I attributed to being fat are showing up as I deal with getting older.
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Old 07-09-2009, 01:08 PM   #65
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I've also struggled with this Tooz. Do we need to constantly be on the defensive, constantly representing, constantly making a statement to be fat and out and proud??

My fatness often felt like my blackness - like the thing the world was only just barely forgiving me for being. I'm happy being fat. I've never been thin but I've been thinner and honestly, it didnt suit at all, so I gained the weight back again. In the beginning (sounds terribly biblical ), when people made fat-phobic comments I'd be quiet cos somehow I was embarrassed about enjoying my physical form, about enjoying other fat bodies and loving my own. Also, I felt as if if i piped up on behalf of fatties everywhere all the time I'd come across as defensive and insecure - like I was lying about digging me LOL! I have since gotten over that, same as I have since gotten over my fear of being perceived as 'that angry black girl'. If somebody says something antifat and it bothers me, I let them know it. If somebody says something I perceive as racist I let them know it. Life is too short to walk around worrying about how you are perceived. If you honestly feel you need to say something, if you feel the shame of not saying that thing will eat you up inside, will burn you and harm you, will stuff you back into that hurtful, lonely fat closet, then say it. Be fat and loud and proud - but only when it feels right for you. I don't flag wave and fight 24/7 or when other people thinks its appropriate to do so. I'm not a performer who says things to gain the approval or disapproval of others. I'm hardly ever even looking for a reaction. I wave the fat flag and fight and shout and protest when something in me says "Chick you better stand the fuck up and say something!" Thats how I knew for myself that i was out of the fat girl closet, when it was ok for me in my head to choose my own battles Not sure how much sense that made - its late
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Old 07-09-2009, 01:16 PM   #66
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6. really thinks only FAs can like her body so she is afraid to give other men a chance. she also tends to think that all other men besides FAs want her to lose weight.
Question: I don't understand how a fat person can be in a non-platonic relationship with a non-FA. If a man describes himself as not an FA it means he's not sexually attracted to fat right? So if he isnt attracted to fat that would mean he isnt attracted to me? My point here is that I don't want a guy who 'loves me for how beautiful I am inside.' I want somebody who loves my pretty insides, yes, but I also want somebody who can't wait to rip my clothes off and shag me silly on a very regular basis. So how can that be possible with a man who doesn't admire my fat body? Can a relationship with a non-FA be sexually fulfilling at all?
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Old 07-09-2009, 01:34 PM   #67
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6. really thinks only FAs can like her body so she is afraid to give other men a chance. she also tends to think that all other men besides FAs want her to lose weight.
This would be me. In my experience I would say that most of the time I would be right about men wanting me to lose weight, unless they were FAs. There have been a few guys that liked girls of all sizes but very few compared to the whole.

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7. whether a guy likes her weight is her first consideration when dating a guy instead of whether she likes him or not.
That's me too. I might as well work within a pool of people who like me first before deciding who I like. Saves rejection that way. I do like guys outside of that, but the last time I went for a guy like that I got rejected so hardcore I cried and was depressed for a week because really, I think it was my weight that got me rejected.
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Old 07-09-2009, 01:34 PM   #68
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I used to have "in the closet" behavior. Then I started focusing on what I liked about myself. I would look in the mirror and say things like "I have pretty eyes... nice smile... nice legs... nice boobs..." and so on until I got to the point where I said "I'm hot stuff! *ssssss*". Now friends who sometimes tell me that they wish they could be like me: happy about who I am and damn anyone else.
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Old 07-09-2009, 03:13 PM   #69
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Question: I don't understand how a fat person can be in a non-platonic relationship with a non-FA. If a man describes himself as not an FA it means he's not sexually attracted to fat right? So if he isnt attracted to fat that would mean he isnt attracted to me? My point here is that I don't want a guy who 'loves me for how beautiful I am inside.' I want somebody who loves my pretty insides, yes, but I also want somebody who can't wait to rip my clothes off and shag me silly on a very regular basis. So how can that be possible with a man who doesn't admire my fat body? Can a relationship with a non-FA be sexually fulfilling at all?
But, your assuming a non-FA can't find you sexually attractive or admire your fat body. Maybe that's where the confusion comes in. What if he were a guy that found lots of sizes to be attractive? There does exist such a creature. lol Could you be comfortable with a someone who felt that way?

I wouldn't call my partner a card carrying FA, but she finds me irresistable -there isn't a shadow of a doubt. She loves my curves AND my personhood. I don't think she's really caught up in terminology; she finds fatness (smaller/midsize bbws) attractive. Simple as that.

Could it be that some of us fat girls get so caught up in terminology, etc that we might miss out on a great guy/girl, hell, even a soulmate because he or she isn't screaming from the FA rooftop?
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Old 07-09-2009, 03:57 PM   #70
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But, your assuming a non-FA can't find you sexually attractive or admire your fat body. Maybe that's where the confusion comes in. What if he were a guy that found lots of sizes to be attractive? There does exist such a creature.
I think Tau puts the multisizual people in the general FA category. I mean, if you find fat people attractive, even if it's not exclusively, you are in some sense a fat admirer. There is definitely a cultural and philosophical element to self-identified FAdom that likely won't apply, but I think that's more of a secondary consideration.
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Old 07-09-2009, 05:34 PM   #71
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I was definitely a closeted BBW for a long time. Till I was in my late 20's., early 30's I always wanted to appear smaller than I was, I always was telling people I was on a diet or i would join a gym, just so people would think I wasnt as fat as i was?!I still do love the gym though, but it was weird , I know. I always took pictures of myself, from the neck up or boobs up, to "pretend" to be not "so fat". It took me a long time and alot of self searching, along with the help of many wonderful other bbw's and Fa's to help me find and love myself truly. And now when people tell me, oh you really need to start dieting again huh? I can tell them, nahhh I love myself this way, but thanks! Its amazing!! The feeling of freedom you get from a simple sentence.
AS many of you have seen, I have become even more secure with myself, since I have joined DIMS> And thats a huge difference in my life for me. Its a whole new world of acceptance, unconditional love for one another as humans, and the support I personally get for so many wonderful people on DIMS makes my life that much better. Not just all the comments from the men,.. which I LOVE, but the women too!
Living as a closeted BBW is very hard emotionally, and like another poster wrote, seeing pics of yourself was very hard to deal with, you try so hard to appear "thin" and you see that pic and your heart just sinks. I was depressed alot thru my life fro men wanting me for my "pretty face, or boobs, but not the rest of me. You get that so set in your mind, you arent good enough , cause you are fat! Its a terrible way to live life.
I always try to encourage other woman to enjoy being a BBW!! Do it now!!! Embrace ,love , adore yourself for the big gal you are, dont let the mental mess of being a closeted BBW get to you too! Sit or stand infront of a mirror and just tell yourself how damn sexy you are! Do it everyday!! Feel your curves, your softness, take a good long look at your body and remind yourself that you are one hell of a sexy woman with wonderful fat covered bones hehe!
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Old 07-09-2009, 06:01 PM   #72
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I think of an FA as someone who is ONLY attracted to fat women.
I've never dated an FA, all the men I've ever dated have been men who like women of all shapes and sizes.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Tau View Post
Question: I don't understand how a fat person can be in a non-platonic relationship with a non-FA. If a man describes himself as not an FA it means he's not sexually attracted to fat right? So if he isnt attracted to fat that would mean he isnt attracted to me? My point here is that I don't want a guy who 'loves me for how beautiful I am inside.' I want somebody who loves my pretty insides, yes, but I also want somebody who can't wait to rip my clothes off and shag me silly on a very regular basis. So how can that be possible with a man who doesn't admire my fat body? Can a relationship with a non-FA be sexually fulfilling at all?
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Old 07-09-2009, 10:24 PM   #73
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Originally Posted by Ella Bella View Post
I think of an FA as someone who is ONLY attracted to fat women.
I've never dated an FA, all the men I've ever dated have been men who like women of all shapes and sizes.
I have always dated men like that ,.. not nearly as much awesome ness as an FA LOL just IMO
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Old 07-10-2009, 12:39 AM   #74
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Originally Posted by ashmamma84 View Post
But, your assuming a non-FA can't find you sexually attractive or admire your fat body. Maybe that's where the confusion comes in. What if he were a guy that found lots of sizes to be attractive? There does exist such a creature. lol Could you be comfortable with a someone who felt that way?

I wouldn't call my partner a card carrying FA, but she finds me irresistable -there isn't a shadow of a doubt. She loves my curves AND my personhood. I don't think she's really caught up in terminology; she finds fatness (smaller/midsize bbws) attractive. Simple as that.

Could it be that some of us fat girls get so caught up in terminology, etc that we might miss out on a great guy/girl, hell, even a soulmate because he or she isn't screaming from the FA rooftop?

I need body validation. I do not want to be bothered with anyone who is not HOT for my body. Take the whole package or take nothing. No way will I ever put myself in a situation where a man would use my insecurity about my body as a way to dominate and control me. My husband use to say "no one would ever want you-you're fat." That was his bullshit.
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Old 07-10-2009, 01:11 AM   #75
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I think of an FA as someone who is ONLY attracted to fat women.
I've never dated an FA, all the men I've ever dated have been men who like women of all shapes and sizes.
Ella - Does that mean you passed or something? If you had been another 50 lbs. or so you would have settled for a FA. Are you inferring that there is something wrong with being exclusively attracted to fat women?
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