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Old 05-21-2007, 10:41 AM   #1
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Default A serious question - for both genders

Hi,

Please, understand this question seriously: I really need feedback both from BBWs and FAs.

I'm 30, people say good looking, educated, have a nice job. I really like BBWs - not just sexually, but a relationship with a bigger girl simply fulfills me much more than a relationship with an average sized girl. It's important to mention, I'm not looking for one night stands.

I am quite open with my BBW preference with my friends and family. However, I have a big problem: I simply don't meet enough big girls! Let me explain reasons: when I go out with friends, I see many beautiful girls. However, my mates who aren't into them (although they know my preference and respect it) are simply not into getting into knowing them. For them, girls I like are simply uninteresting and therefore they tend to try to approach another girls. Of course, I'm always a minority, so I don't really have a say...
On the other hand, if I go out alone and approach girls, they usually find me a weirdo loser. Probably they're afraid of me or something, but lone ranger approach simply doesn't work. At least for me.

Now, I'm a nice guy (at least I think so), and when I like the girl I end up with her notwithstanding her size. Simply, for the wrong "sample", I tend to end up with smaller girls. After a while, of course, I find such a relationship unsatisfactory, and it quickly ends. I simply have no sexual passion for boners! I had only two or three BBW relationships in life, but I'm picky: I'm not with girls just because of their size, and we simply weren't a right match.

I must emphasise: I don't have a general problem of finding a girl. On the contrary: this weekend, for instance, a skinny nice girl approached me in the pub but I just didn't find her attractive.

Now, as I already said: please help. Girls, could you give an advice how to approach you. Guys, I'm sure that at least someone else had the same problem.

Thanks a lot! I know the question sounds funny, but for me it's serious!

Thnx a lot!
Cheers
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Old 05-21-2007, 04:05 PM   #2
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Funny? Well, it sounds odd, but I'm not sure if it sounds fishy, so I'm going to take it totally seriously.

I'm not sure why you need to tell everyone that you get skinny girls and then become dissatisfied with them. Something about that claim seems a little off-putting. But we'll forget that for now. Because is the problem that you're not meeting the right women or that you're not open enough with your preference to pursue things with the girls you actually want?

Here's the thing. A girl's size doesn't change the way you should approach her. Are you personable? Funny? Hot? Nice to be around? Yeah? Well then a girl is a girl is a girl whether she's a size 2 or a 22. If you're being a nice guy and women tend to respond well to you, I suspect it's just that you're not casting the net for the kind of woman that really makes you happy.
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Old 05-21-2007, 04:06 PM   #3
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None of my friends are into bigger girls, but when we go out, that has never stopped me. I guess I'm confused as to what your issue is here. Why can't you approach a big gal when you're out with friends?

All it takes is to walk across the room and say "hi" most of the time.
Tell your friends that you're going to talk to a girl, and you'll be back in 10.
I'm sure they'll understand.

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Old 05-21-2007, 04:10 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Canadian View Post
None of my friends are into bigger girls, but when we go out, that has never stopped me. I guess I'm confused as to what your issue is here. Why can't you approach a big gal when you're out with friends?

All it takes is to walk across the room and say "hi" most of the time.
Tell your friends that you're going to talk to a girl, and you'll be back in 10.
I'm sure they'll understand.

Yup. Exactly.

And I'll hold your drink while you go talk to the cute girl.
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Old 05-21-2007, 04:37 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Canadian View Post
None of my friends are into bigger girls, but when we go out, that has never stopped me. I guess I'm confused as to what your issue is here. Why can't you approach a big gal when you're out with friends?

All it takes is to walk across the room and say "hi" most of the time.
Tell your friends that you're going to talk to a girl, and you'll be back in 10.
I'm sure they'll understand.

I think what Canadian is saying is a great start, it helps normalize it. Big girls are still women and not a different species.

However, there are some differences. I'll speak personally here, but I'm quite defensive when I'm at a bar. I'm hyper aware of the number of men that will approach me as a joke, it has happened before. I'm hyper aware that my body feels more outwardly sexual--I take up more space, I am more visible, and I feel like I need to put up barriers. It would take more for someone to approach me and have me give them the time of day than a cheesy line. However, I would be won over quite quickly by someone who seemed genuine.

And don't confuse this with self esteem issues. I'm someone that is quite confident and sassy when out at a bar. I'm just pointing out some of the inner dialogue going on when I'm in that situation. It's just more...complex?

To the original poster, I may be off, but you might need to disengage from the "wingman" approach, as it sounds like a common situation with your friends. You need to go out and be likeable to the women you are attracted to and level with your friends about being more bubbly around them. IMHO I think the group man picking up groups of women dynamic slightly creepy, but that's just me, and I'm the one who just said I'm defensive.
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Old 05-21-2007, 04:45 PM   #6
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^^ Thanks for that. It didn't occur to me that there can be issues of feeling sort of mistrustful, but that makes sense.

I'll be very gentle when I pick you up in a bar.
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Old 05-21-2007, 05:00 PM   #7
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I for one DO have a sexual passion for boners. I see nothing wrong with them, in fact, sometimes I think they might be the most attractive things on the planet!!! You CAN find fat boners, not that there is anything wrong with their smaller cousins. Here at Dims, we pride ourselves on being accepting of all sizes!!!

*someone whispers something in Moniques ear*


Ohhhhhh...THOSE boners...sorry....carry on....
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Old 05-21-2007, 05:14 PM   #8
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I think you really need to look past the size issue. If you really are looking for a serious relationship, you need to focus more on personality, things in common, etc. Not what size a girl is. I do understand that we all tend to be first attracted to a certain type (hardwiring-can't help it), but you can't build a relationship on looks alone. To that end, you'd be better off trying to meet girls in a setting that has something to do with your interests/personality (ie.: if you love biking, make some friends at a biking club, if you love animals, volunteer at an animal shelter, etc.). I don't mean for you to do these things purely because you want to meet a girl. Just do what you enjoy and feel passionate about, in a social setting, and it will give you a chance to interact with people of the same mindset. It will also allow you to actually get to know any potential girls BEFORE asking them out. That makes a huge difference. It's so much nicer than hanging out with a complete stranger.
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Old 05-21-2007, 05:46 PM   #9
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I go along with kr7: one factor in your lack of success may be that you're going to the wrong places. For example, you specifically mentioned pubs. I have never had much luck in a setting like that. In my experience, women tend to go pubbing in groups, and thus you have the problem of trying to winkle the girl of your dreams out of a phalanx of her friends. Consider places where a girl may go in order to sit around for some time, and where she might reasonably expect to meet someone like you, also sitting around. The laundromat is a classic. So is the library: in fact, I met my wife in the public library, where I was pretending to search for a SF novel while scoping her out. Think creatively, and it may pay dividends.
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Old 05-21-2007, 07:12 PM   #10
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I'm with AFG and Canadian and Waxy here.... we're just girls, so go say hello, be nice, be funny, be approachable, be sincere. Like AFG said, we do have our defenses sometimes, but a clever, sincere approach can get right through them. If she's a self-aware fat girl, or in the scene, something as simple as a keyword of BBW or FA or something might get you in the door. You know the lingo... it would definitely allow me to drop my barbed wire for a bit.

But all in all, we're girls... so be normal, nice, fun, friendly, and nothing should be an issue. Go out to meet the girls you want, friends or no friends... start looking for what you want, not just for what "comes to you".

As for wanting a relative size, I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Most people have physical preferences of some kind. Knowing that and being honest about what you're really looking for, both physically and emotionally, are good things.

Best of luck.
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Old 05-21-2007, 07:21 PM   #11
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Not that you should listen to me, since I bat below the Mendoza line with women, but threre is not a "fat girl" pickup line or secret handshake or anything. Treat them nice, buy them a drink, use a goofy line if that's your thing.....act just like you would if you wanted to pick up a girl....


Because at the end of the day, that's what you're doing: trying to pick up a girl. Her weight probably has nothing to do with it.....sure, fat girls can be shy but so can skinny girls. Just act natural.


Or use the Fat Girl Express Card. Don't leave home without it!
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Old 05-21-2007, 09:27 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by mossystate View Post
I for one DO have a sexual passion for boners. I see nothing wrong with them, in fact, sometimes I think they might be the most attractive things on the planet!!! You CAN find fat boners, not that there is anything wrong with their smaller cousins. Here at Dims, we pride ourselves on being accepting of all sizes!!!

*someone whispers something in Moniques ear*


Ohhhhhh...THOSE boners...sorry....carry on....
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I am so glad mossy's back. If for nothing else than expert comments on boners!

as you were.....
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Old 05-22-2007, 06:29 AM   #13
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I think something worth mentioning here is that thin girls complain that no-one asks them out either. I have a friend who is the current medias opinion of ideal and she says no-one ever just walks up to her in a bar or club and asks her out. She gets most of her dates through friends and work etc.

I think the advice you've had about being freindly and open is all you need. And keep trying - every 'no' gets you closer to a 'yes'

Tracey xx

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threre is not a "fat girl" pickup line or secret handshake or anything.
Yes there is Bob, but you're such a hottie you've never needed it!
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Old 05-22-2007, 07:16 AM   #14
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Just be genuine and kind. I'm not particularly large and I've been the joke pickup before. I'm always on the lookout for it. You don't have to handle big girls with kid-gloves, but just make sure that you're coming off as sincere.
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Old 05-23-2007, 11:17 AM   #15
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Default thanx a lot everyone!

Some responses you gave really helped a lot - others I already knew, but they're nevertheless worth reminding... I do many social things, I do go to the library (as a part-time student) and I am nice to girls. As I said, I really never had problems with the opposite gender... it's just, akhh, I guess I wasn't lucky enough to meet the right girl.

But I'm young, life is beautiful, spring (almost summer) is here, and I just feel like enjoying life. I'm sure that my girl will come at the place where I least expect it! It's just kinda sad that it takes so long...

Cheers!
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Old 05-23-2007, 11:57 AM   #16
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I’ve got a bunch of thoughts below. All are just my opinion, but to make them readable I didn’t put several disclaimers in each paragraph, this is the blanket disclaimer. I don’t really know squat about you, though, so they may be way out of line or irrelevant to your situation. So at best read them and see if you can find some use for the ideas, at worst say ‘what a nut job’ and move on. .

Just one thought: a bar may not be the best place to meet big girls. It is an environment almost designed to make anyone self-conscious about their appearance and feel all the more uptight. Besides which, in a bar you have almost nothing to go on besides appearance. It doesn’t sound to me like all that you care about is appearance. Hence you may do better meeting women elsewhere.

Another thing: we have a joke in my group of friends about ‘friendship fees.’ It is really the concept that sometimes you do something for a buddy not because you are crazy about it, but because you sometimes do things for friends to support or help them. You know, help them move, go to their girl-friends ballet recital, spend too much money to go see a band that you don’t care for but they adore. It sounds to me like you need to start calling in some friendship fees—more on this below.

Another note, you say you are good looking. If you are also reasonably fit, fairly well dressed, at least average height or maybe a bit taller than that, and give the impression of having a decent job, then you may be getting hit with other’s expectations of the type of girl you would be with. That is, you seem fairly desirable, so they expect you to be with someone in say the ‘hottest’ (by conventional standards) third of women. Some women may therefore think ‘well he’s cute, but no way would he be interested in me because (I’m fat/ I have a big nose/flat chest/no hips/wide hips/no job/so on/ so forth). So you might be having to overcome not just your friends failure to support you in talking to the women you are interested in, but the belief of those same women that they will not get positive interest from you (or maybe your friends as well). I can’t say I ever had that problem myself, but I’ve seen a couple of friends actually go through it—they kept going out with women that they were not all that interested in, because those women were there and interested in dating them, and they never seemed to meet the ones that might interest them more.

All I can really say to both of the above is to add variety to where you go and what you do, and that you may have to be more forward about approaching women on your own—that is not waiting for them to show interest in you, and doing it without the support of your friends. It could really help if you have (or can develop) any interests that are apt to attract a broad selection of women. Example: scuba diving, not so good, few BBW will have the confidence that they can do it or do it without being mocked. Lane swim at a public pool: better, a lot of women who like to be active but who’s knees would not hold up to jogging will go swimming regularly, including a fair number of BBW. Trendy club: not so good, people expect to go there and be judged on how hot they are. Local pub with reasonable food and a weekly bar trivia night: much better, as there is a good chance to chat and mingle and people of all sizes can play—and if you can get any of the staff on your side, so much the better. Or a weekly karaoke night—from what I’ve heard far more women than men tend to go to those, so drag a friend along, and be brave and sing, then you can claim sympathy from cute chubby girls afterwards who are better singers.

If you are concerned about doing that sort of thing alone, call on a friend to go with you, calling in those friendship fees. Remember that you don’t need them to come every time. The first week or two at the pub trivia night have someone come along, but after that you are a familiar face, and you can say “my friend got bored, but I enjoy it. Anyone have an opening on their team?” or something like that. In the process you widen your circle of acquaintances. And at thirty, if anyone asks why you are not with your friends, you can say “I’m getting a bit bored with their usual circuit of clubs and sports” and most people will nod and welcome you into their activity.

I hope that was of some use to you.

Regards;

-Ed
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Old 05-23-2007, 12:36 PM   #17
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Just one thought: a bar may not be the best place to meet big girls. It is an environment almost designed to make anyone self-conscious about their appearance and feel all the more uptight. Besides which, in a bar you have almost nothing to go on besides appearance. It doesn’t sound to me like all that you care about is appearance. Hence you may do better meeting women elsewhere.

I never go to bars with the hopes of finding a guy. I just automatically question the motives of any guy that might approach me in that situation- not that they're playing a joke on me, but that they have less-than-honorable intentions. The only reason I would even be at a bar would be to hang with friends, and being approached by a guy while I'm trying to have a good time with my girls is just annoying anyways.
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Old 05-23-2007, 01:35 PM   #18
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threre is not a "fat girl" pickup line or secret handshake or anything.
No, but I spent several years in Zzz's position because I had unwittingly stumbled onto the secret skinny girl handshake. Thankfully, a "dangerously underweight" female friend of mine pointed this out to me. That was two years ago and I can now proudly proclaim that, today, I am equally unattractive to all women, regardless of weight.
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Old 05-23-2007, 02:02 PM   #19
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No, but I spent several years in Zzz's position because I had unwittingly stumbled onto the secret skinny girl handshake. Thankfully, a "dangerously underweight" female friend of mine pointed this out to me. That was two years ago and I can now proudly proclaim that, today, I am equally unattractive to all women, regardless of weight.
I can't tell if this is serious or sarcastic/self-depreciating Was there really something that was attracting the seriously skinny women?

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Old 05-23-2007, 03:42 PM   #20
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I can't tell if this is serious or sarcastic/self-depreciating Was there really something that was attracting the seriously skinny women?

-Ed
Well, it's half sarcastic and and serious. It's an unfortunate fact that some women use male attention as a form of self validation. Due to the way that I was raised, I tended not to provide that validation. Thus, a few of these women started to develop insecurities and developed an interest in me to compensate. Finally, in my limited experience, it was the size twos who were confused when I didn't propose marriage the moment I met them.

Can a special code word cause skinny women to fall in love? Probably not. Can emotional head games cause insecure people to make bad romantic choices? Sadly, yes.
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Old 05-24-2007, 03:57 AM   #21
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Thanks a lot for these! Seems that you hit me seriously a couple of times... absolutely the best reply until now (or, at least, the closest to my heart)

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Originally Posted by edx View Post
I’ve got a bunch of thoughts below. All are just my opinion, but to make them readable I didn’t put several disclaimers in each paragraph, this is the blanket disclaimer. I don’t really know squat about you, though, so they may be way out of line or irrelevant to your situation. So at best read them and see if you can find some use for the ideas, at worst say ‘what a nut job’ and move on. .

Just one thought: a bar may not be the best place to meet big girls. It is an environment almost designed to make anyone self-conscious about their appearance and feel all the more uptight. Besides which, in a bar you have almost nothing to go on besides appearance. It doesn’t sound to me like all that you care about is appearance. Hence you may do better meeting women elsewhere.

Another thing: we have a joke in my group of friends about ‘friendship fees.’ It is really the concept that sometimes you do something for a buddy not because you are crazy about it, but because you sometimes do things for friends to support or help them. You know, help them move, go to their girl-friends ballet recital, spend too much money to go see a band that you don’t care for but they adore. It sounds to me like you need to start calling in some friendship fees—more on this below.

You're right: I'll try it in the first occasion!

Another note, you say you are good looking. If you are also reasonably fit, fairly well dressed, at least average height or maybe a bit taller than that, and give the impression of having a decent job, then you may be getting hit with other’s expectations of the type of girl you would be with.

Well, I'm 185 cm tall, 85 kg, ex-sportsman & I do have a decent job.

That is, you seem fairly desirable, so they expect you to be with someone in say the ‘hottest’ (by conventional standards) third of women. Some women may therefore think ‘well he’s cute, but no way would he be interested in me because (I’m fat/ I have a big nose/flat chest/no hips/wide hips/no job/so on/ so forth). So you might be having to overcome not just your friends failure to support you in talking to the women you are interested in, but the belief of those same women that they will not get positive interest from you (or maybe your friends as well). I can’t say I ever had that problem myself, but I’ve seen a couple of friends actually go through it—they kept going out with women that they were not all that interested in, because those women were there and interested in dating them, and they never seemed to meet the ones that might interest them more.

You know, now that you put it into words I think that you could be right. However, I never thought about it: maybe, simply, because I never really thought about my appearance. And when you write like that, I really feel bad (or maybe just shy?) about myself - I don't think I'm better than anyone, it's just ridiculous if someone makes such conclusion from my appearance!

All I can really say to both of the above is to add variety to where you go and what you do, and that you may have to be more forward about approaching women on your own—that is not waiting for them to show interest in you, and doing it without the support of your friends. It could really help if you have (or can develop) any interests that are apt to attract a broad selection of women. Example: scuba diving, not so good, few BBW will have the confidence that they can do it or do it without being mocked. Lane swim at a public pool: better, a lot of women who like to be active but who’s knees would not hold up to jogging will go swimming regularly, including a fair number of BBW. Trendy club: not so good, people expect to go there and be judged on how hot they are. Local pub with reasonable food and a weekly bar trivia night: much better, as there is a good chance to chat and mingle and people of all sizes can play—and if you can get any of the staff on your side, so much the better. Or a weekly karaoke night—from what I’ve heard far more women than men tend to go to those, so drag a friend along, and be brave and sing, then you can claim sympathy from cute chubby girls afterwards who are better singers.

Yeah, this is exactly what I'm trying to do. Still, all the beautiful women are always with someone else!

If you are concerned about doing that sort of thing alone, call on a friend to go with you, calling in those friendship fees. Remember that you don’t need them to come every time. The first week or two at the pub trivia night have someone come along, but after that you are a familiar face, and you can say “my friend got bored, but I enjoy it. Anyone have an opening on their team?” or something like that. In the process you widen your circle of acquaintances. And at thirty, if anyone asks why you are not with your friends, you can say “I’m getting a bit bored with their usual circuit of clubs and sports” and most people will nod and welcome you into their activity.

I hope that was of some use to you.

Regards;

-Ed
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Old 05-24-2007, 07:42 AM   #22
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Yikes, somehow I managed to miss this thread until just now ! But I'll add what I can to the discussion.

zzz, I understand where you're coming from, because until recently I was in the exact same situation of being a reasonably attractive and confident guy who just never met any women he was sexually attracted to. And I know what you mean about how trying to pick women up in bars, etc. can be uncomfortable and difficult, both for the reasons the women in this thread have already given about BBWs putting up a shield of unapproachability, and because, for those same reasons, I tend to get anxious and start second-guessing myself: "does she think I'm a creep? what if she thinks I'm just trying to pick her up because I think she's desperate?"

I don't have much to add to the advice you've already been given, as far as picking women up in everyday situations goes: just be sincere, honest, be yourself, shower daily (), etc.

But one piece of advice nobody seems to have given yet, which I highly, highly recommend: find out if there are any BBW events/dances in your area and go to them! I started doing this a few months ago, and it's been an amazing experience. It's a big ego boost and learning experience (for me, and I'd imagine for the women as well) to be able to flirt, chat, etc. without any of the usual anxieties -- when we're both implicitly aware that yes, the sexual attraction is genuine, I find that it becomes a lot easier to let go of my nervousness and have a casual, flirty conversation in which I can demonstrate what an awesome guy I actually am . And I bet your experience would be very similar.

I'm guessing from your language that you're British, so I can't recommend a specific party, but we have a lot of UK posters who I'm sure would be happy to help you find one.

Last edited by alienlanes; 05-24-2007 at 07:43 AM. Reason: typo typo typo
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Old 05-24-2007, 08:20 AM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SlackerFA View Post
Yikes, somehow I managed to miss this thread until just now ! But I'll add what I can to the discussion.

zzz, I understand where you're coming from, because until recently I was in the exact same situation of being a reasonably attractive and confident guy who just never met any women he was sexually attracted to. And I know what you mean about how trying to pick women up in bars, etc. can be uncomfortable and difficult, both for the reasons the women in this thread have already given about BBWs putting up a shield of unapproachability, and because, for those same reasons, I tend to get anxious and start second-guessing myself: "does she think I'm a creep? what if she thinks I'm just trying to pick her up because I think she's desperate?"

I don't have much to add to the advice you've already been given, as far as picking women up in everyday situations goes: just be sincere, honest, be yourself, shower daily (), etc.

But one piece of advice nobody seems to have given yet, which I highly, highly recommend: find out if there are any BBW events/dances in your area and go to them! I started doing this a few months ago, and it's been an amazing experience. It's a big ego boost and learning experience (for me, and I'd imagine for the women as well) to be able to flirt, chat, etc. without any of the usual anxieties -- when we're both implicitly aware that yes, the sexual attraction is genuine, I find that it becomes a lot easier to let go of my nervousness and have a casual, flirty conversation in which I can demonstrate what an awesome guy I actually am . And I bet your experience would be very similar.

I'm guessing from your language that you're British, so I can't recommend a specific party, but we have a lot of UK posters who I'm sure would be happy to help you find one.
Thanx for the good answer!

You described my situation perfectly... I guess all the men know the feeling when you can be entertaining, fun and everything else with the girls you don't find sexually attractive. As soon as I start speaking with a really hot girl, I immediately start speaking like an idiot! And I completely understand why they get turned off by that... but, on the other hand, that's a burden we all carry, don't we?

About BBW events: I'd be really grateful if someone could pinpoint such an event in Scotland. Please, people, if you know for such an event or just a fat friendly place, don't be strangers and share the details!

Finally, I must add this: thanx for the compliment! I do live in Britain for almost a year now, but I'm not British... seems that my English really improved here.

Cheers!
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Old 05-24-2007, 09:37 AM   #24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Prime4347 View Post
Well, it's half sarcastic and and serious. It's an unfortunate fact that some women use male attention as a form of self validation. Due to the way that I was raised, I tended not to provide that validation. Thus, a few of these women started to develop insecurities and developed an interest in me to compensate. Finally, in my limited experience, it was the size twos who were confused when I didn't propose marriage the moment I met them.

Can a special code word cause skinny women to fall in love? Probably not. Can emotional head games cause insecure people to make bad romantic choices? Sadly, yes.
Kinda like men thinking "notches on their belt" make them real men.
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Old 05-24-2007, 09:51 AM   #25
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As a recent BBW (and by that I mean....recently accepting of my current size), I can sort of understand what you mean. Through my teenage and college years, if a guy approached me at anytime, I immediatly decided he was making fun of me or had a bet going with his friends across the room that he would hit on the fat girl. I spent many years not giving any guy the time of day. I stopped them in their trackes before the first words fell from their mouths. I will not be your victim. Looking back, that was some of the stupidest times of my life. I missed out on so much by not trusting anyone at all and it took alot before I would actually just be cordial to a man in a bar...lol. And while I still have the tendency to act like a total bitch, these boards have made me realize that there are plenty of men that beleive I am attractive and I can actually open up and let them in.
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