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Old 06-22-2007, 10:58 AM   #1
CrystalFA
 
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This is so hard for me to say so please bear with me.

But I must say it -- there's no other situation in which I feel as though I can say this. You all seem like such wonderful, supportive people.

I'm SO conflicted!!!

Part of me wants SO BADLY to get fat. {It's important for me to say the word "fat" because I've avoided it so much in my life -- it's therapeutic for me to say it.} But another part of me is so scared, so hesitant, and very concerned I don't have the "guts." However, the desire is so strong sometimes, it's insane.

And I find myself thinking about it just about all the time. What's up with that? {Lately, I've been really looking so admiringly at "bigger" people, more so than even before.} I've tried so hard to figure out why. Maybe cuz I'm experiencing some really tough stuff in my life right now. Maybe it's connected to a comfort thing.

But as I explained in my introductory post, I've fantasized and dreamed of getting fat since I was a little girl. Maybe I'm just not quite ready. I don't know....

But I felt compelled to share. It helps take the pressure off. So, thank you for that.

I truly don't know what to do.

I love this forum, though; I will say that.

This is a little embarassing, but thanks for letting me share. There's more I could say, but that's enough for now.

Crystal
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Old 06-22-2007, 11:03 AM   #2
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Glad you felt you could share, and I hope that you find some sort of contentment in a direction (even if it's staying as you are). It's got to be painful to always feel that desire, but also always feel the fear of stepping off the edge.

I don't envy that.

And congrats on using fat!
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Old 06-22-2007, 11:16 AM   #3
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Thanks for the nice message, AnnMarie.

Perhaps this is just a step in the direction finally accepting myself "as is." That, I have never done before. That's HUGE for me. I always called myself "fat," (at 135-150 pounds!) but in a not-nice way (buying into what I felt pressure from society and others to buy into). But, now, if I DO gain weight (and I have gained recently), I feel more like I'm ready to embrace it, not hate it.

It's all about "size acceptance," no matter WHAT that size is, right? No more hating my body for doing what it's designed (DNA and other factors) to do.

Thanks again!!!

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Old 06-22-2007, 12:04 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by CrystalFA View Post

Part of me wants SO BADLY to get fat.
I certainly know that feeling. Now, I admit, I am fat by societies standards (5'8", 220-ish pounds), but not nearly as fat as I want to be. But I also have lots of reasons for not being fat. I see-saw back and forth, with the overall balance being that I stay somewhat fat, fat enough to feel fat sometimes, but not nearly as fat as I could be or would like to be.

That was my solution. You have to find your own solution. However I think the first step absolutely is admitting--and maybe that is too weak of a word, perhaps it is better to say 'taking ownership of'--your desire to get fat. It is not an alien mind control ray or something. It is part of being you, for better or worse. Once you can look at it that way, then I think it is much easier to balance it against your reasons for not getting fat.

Like you said, even if you never get bigger, you can look at your current size and appreciate the little bit of fat, realizing that is your compromise of your desires, rather than hating it. Hopefully, at least!

Best of luck muddling through it all. Oh, and yes, these boards are exactly the place to talk about these sorts of things, at least in my opinion. I know they've done me a world of good in understanding and accepting my desires.

Regards;

-Ed
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Old 06-22-2007, 12:55 PM   #5
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WOW, Ed -- THANK YOU SOOOOOO MUCH!!!

That was an incredible post, and everything you said makes so much sense to me. I'm rather enjoying my new "pooch" in my belly -- albeit smaller than maybe I secretly desire or fantasize about, but nonetheless, it could be a compromise until if and when I ever "decide to" really "take the plunge." Sometimes it's hard to separate fantasy from reality. In other words, part of me "wants to" but how would I really "feel" if it were to really happen? I don't know. But, as I've stated, it is probably in my genes for it to happen (get fat). I've been fighting it my entire adult life. Maybe it's time to just "be" and "see what happens."

It's just so nice knowing there's other kind folks out there who really understand my feelings and "dilemma." I never, ever, in a million years, before finding this forum, imagined myself saying these things to anyone.

Also, I often wonder if I would/could more easily "take the plunge" if I didn't live in L.A. So much more I could say about THAT.

Anyway, I think your solution is a good one. I think that's great, and it makes a lot of sense. And taking ownership of the desire is HUGE for me.

Thanks again,

Crystal
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Old 06-22-2007, 12:56 PM   #6
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If you're too big for your skin, then get bigger.

Personally, I know exactly what you're going though. I was down to 230 and a 34" waist. I didn't feel that I looked good, I felt shy and uneasy. Now that I'm 261lbs with a 44" waist I have my own thread about my tummy
I'm Heavy Again

My suggestion, slowly gain weight and look at yourself in the mirror a lot. Post pics here and get some feed back, try on new clothes that fit your new body. Get a feel for yourself and pay attation to day to day life if it gets any more difficult at all.
And when this feeling that you're too big for you skin goes away, stay there at that weight. Its what I'm doing!
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Old 06-22-2007, 01:05 PM   #7
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Just one more thought: for me at least, writing is good for dealing with this. When you put words down, be it on the boards, in chat, or in a story or essay, it makes it easier to look at a thought, say "OK, yep, that is about right" and move on beyond it. Sometimes keeping the thoughts in your head seem to kind of create a log jam. I guess for some people they get the same benefit from talking things out, but for me writing works better, I can express myself more clearly.

I don't know what will work for you, but you might want to try writing a story where you get fat, and what happens next.

-Ed
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Old 06-22-2007, 01:45 PM   #8
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Thanks, Pickelman. Great thoughts. Thanks for the good advice. That's kind of what I've been doing but didn't realize it. Going REAL slow. Little gain here and there, ever so slowly. Getting slowly used to my new size. And slowly becoming more cool with it. So, thank you. I like your belly pic, by the way!!!

Ed, I agree about putting thoughts down. That was a tremendous release for me just being able to post this. It helped a lot. And, you're right -- it helps sort it all out in your brain. I felt like I was going to explode because I had nobody to talk to about all this.

Thanks,

Crystal
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Old 06-22-2007, 08:29 PM   #9
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I've kinda felt the same way recently, Crystal. I'm an FA, but at the same time I want to indulge...but then I've got my future to consider, and that I want to maintain the professional image of a hardened, firebrand of a teacher.....then there's the fact that I want to share with my future someone in my private life.....then there's the fact that I ocean lifeguard currently, and running in the sand a few miles a day and throwing down 200 some odd push ups and crunches a day isn't going to pack on the pounds, but then again, I feel like it's really healthy for me......If you have any debate between professional and private life, you've just gotta weigh which means more....and if it isn't a debate between those, then just go with what you want.
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Old 06-23-2007, 12:58 PM   #10
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Ed's right about owning your desires....and that's a longer journey than it might initially seem....

....Like Pickleman I have been experimenting, and I can report back that it's very interesting, fun, and good for your size acceptance....but it dosen't take the problem away....I'm just as conflicted 20 lbs heavier as I was before...

so good luck, and remember, a lot of us are treading this line...so share out, it's appreciated...god knows what the right answer is!

take care
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Old 06-23-2007, 06:39 PM   #11
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It's certainly not easy to make any big lifestyle change. I'm buying my first. At 33, living in the same apartment for 10 years, it's a big change for me. I know it's what I want, I know I'm ready for it. Yet I'm still nervous about.
Maybe you could think about starting a blog about your thoughts about getting fat. And I don't just say that because I'd love to read it. Make it a private blog, or don't even post it on the Internet. Just keep a diary especially for that topic.
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Old 06-23-2007, 10:42 PM   #12
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I would agree with what KnownIssues said. If you write down what you are feeling (whether it be through a personal diary, blog, posting here, etc.) it might make you more at ease with your thoughts/desires. I have always found it a helpful approach to achieve peace of mind.
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Old 06-24-2007, 12:36 AM   #13
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Gender dysphoric people feel that they are the opposite sex trapped in the wrong body. Are you a really big person trapped in a too small body? What would one even call that? Weight dysphoria? Anyway weight gain is somewhat less permament than a sex change operation so give it a shot.
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Old 06-24-2007, 02:55 AM   #14
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Thanks so much once again. I so appreciate everyone's kind understanding and support.

One day I'm one way, and the next day I'm another (one day I wanna get fat and the next day I don't). It's so weird. But not as weird as I originally thought. Coming on these boards has helped a lot.

Scudmissilez -- There are definitely lifestyle and health considerations with regard to all of this for me too. That has got to be taken into consideration. Thank you for reminding me of that.

Philosobear -- Thank you for your comments. It means a lot to me knowing I'm not the only one. I've gained a lot of weight since first coming on these boards, and I'm as conflicted as ever. That's one of the reasons I'm afraid is if I keep gaining, I feel I may not be able to stop. I'm kind of at a crossroads. My body is kind of like, "Okay, guys, which way are we gonna go?" Waiting for my direction...

KnownIssues & ChrisB -- Thank you for the sage advice -- writing things down has helped and will continue to help. That's actually great advice. It will help me sort some things out. You're right -- peace of mind is very important no matter what I decide to do. I'm in the driver's seat.

Mack27 -- Very good point. Weight gain is not as permanent as a sex change operation. Although, I am concerned that once I got beyond a certain point, it would become very difficult to reverse the trend. And I might like it so much, I might not want to.

Thanks everyone -- you're all wonderful and I appreciate hearing from everyone. I'll keep you posted.

Crystal
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Old 06-24-2007, 08:24 AM   #15
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your comments about being 'at a crossroads' and your doubts about the practicalities of 'reversing the trend' ring a bell- getting beyond a certain point is my concern too....the fact that I find weight hard to lose once I've put it on, and the way that my motivation when trying to lose weight is decidedly mixed...it adds up to a kind of slippery slope, and I am caught between edging back from it, and stepping forward and enjoying the ride...
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Old 06-24-2007, 09:31 AM   #16
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Philosobear,

Yeah, I agree. I've been eating pretty healthy for a couple years now, and I've gained but not really "gone off the deep end" in terms of eating what I would describe as "junk" or not-so-healthy food. Once I get the taste for that "junk food" again, all bets are off for me. And my body, once it reaches a certain point, I know it will be almost impossible for me to reverse the trend. I've gained this weight (25 pounds) without even trying -- when I imagine what would happen if I actually TRIED, I realize that I could put on another 25 pounds rather effortlessly. But how my body would react to that is the question. And, I also, am athletic, so I have reservations about that too. Well, maybe I'll just let nature take its course and see what happens. But the desire to get fat will always be there.

Thanks for letting me share these thoughts.

CrystalFA
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Old 06-24-2007, 10:26 AM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CrystalFA View Post
I've gained this weight (25 pounds) without even trying -- when I imagine what would happen if I actually TRIED, I realize that I could put on another 25 pounds rather effortlessly. But how my body would react to that is the question. And, I also, am athletic, so I have reservations about that too. Well, maybe I'll just let nature take its course and see what happens. But the desire to get fat will always be there.
This is the kind of thing I'm talking about. If your natural body wants to be bigger, then its going to tell you! If you effortlessly put on weight. Leave it on, your body wanted it! Personally I wouldn't put an effort into gaining more until your body stops growing with your currently life style. you don't want to go over board and find yourself unable to get into your car one morning.
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Old 06-24-2007, 11:37 AM   #18
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Good point, Pickleman -- (lol)...

Yeah, it's great as a fantasy, but methinks I rather enjoy being able to walk and move around too much. It's so weird, cuz I don't even FEEL any heavier. I guess my body did want the extra weight. I need to fully embrace that (for the first time in my life!!!). I'm getting there -- thanks mostly to this forum.

Thanks again.

crystal
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Old 06-25-2007, 07:18 AM   #19
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You've already been inundated with good advice, but I thought I'd throw my two cents into the wishing (to be fat) pool. Some of my girlfriends wished to be fatter but didn't want to deal with some of the less pleasant realities, so we tookd Dan Savage's advice and about once a month had a huge feast where I cooked up a storm and stuffed her full. She ate sensibly the rest of the time, but we did find that slowly and surely those monthly stuffings increased her weight--not dramatically, but bit by bit. It was slow enough that when she felt like it was getting too much we would take up more activity outdoors (hiking, swimming, and other sweaty activities under the stars ) and she would lose the small amount she desired.
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Old 06-25-2007, 09:37 AM   #20
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Crystal;

Just a point on the 'moving around' bit.

Assuming that you stay active, gaining weight will not affect most activities for many pounds to come. You might notice it if climbing two or more flights of stairs or trying to spring, but it would be just a bit slower and being out of breath sooner. The more you gain, the less intense the activity would have to be to make it noticeable. I've read from several women up in the 300s that they wish they could get back to around 275, because at that weight they did not have any real issues in day-to-day life. That is they could be on their feet for long periods of time, walk substantial distances happily, go up stairs without puffing too hard, and so on.

So, if you gained really substantial amounts, like doubling your weight, yes just getting around would become more challenging. But depending on what activities you do, you could probably gain a fair bit more and really not notice it much with regard to how well you can do things.

I'm not saying that you should gain more, just trying to give some perspective about how much gain is apt to affect you.

Regards;

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Old 06-25-2007, 09:37 AM   #21
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Hi Crystal... I think a lot of folks here, myself included, can identify with the feelings you have expressed. We all tend to have a love/hate relationship with our own fat at times. I know I have. I've also experienced desires to gain weight and get fat since I was young. My weight has fluctuated over the years, currently I am at my heaviest I've ever been. But I am also concerned about my health and about allowing myself to get too heavy.

I think you and several other people mentioned something very crucial, and that is the notion of "self acceptance." For me, that has been one of the most valuable things I have gained from coming here to Dimensions and being a part of this community. Learning to accept myself for who I am, including my desires and fantasies. I think being able to talk with people who are going through the same things, and seeing the courage and bravery of other people who are learning to embrace and accept themselves in spite of what society says about their size is indeed very encouraging and inspirational.

But it is important for each of us, regardless of who we are, where we're from, what our size or shape or whatever, that we have a love for ourselves and are able to accept and love ourselves for who we are. As a very wise person once told me, we must feel comfortable in our own skin. If you find that you are not feeling comfortable in your own skin, then you must get in touch with the reasons why you feel this way. In most cases, the reasons are emotional rather than physical.

I think a lot of folks tend to feel like if they change something about their physical appearance that it will somehow change the way they feel about themselves inside. Sometimes this can work, and certainly a perceived improvement in self-image goes a long way towards improving ones sense of self worth. But more often than not, what ever problems one had before they got that perm, tattoo, cosmetic surgery, colored contact lenses, breast enlargement, penis enhancement... or in our case, weight gain, will still be there until we are ready to deal with it emotionally and really figure out what it is that has us feeling down about ourselves.

But I think it is great that you have embraced not only the word but the idea of fat and loving your own fat. I am sure that you will undoubtedly gain more weight, as the human body has a natural tendency to get fatter as we age, and learning to love and accept your added weight will only be to your benefit. As far as feeling conflicted, get in touch with yourself and your true feelings... do some serious soul searching. Someone made a great suggestion about writing. Keep a blog or a private journal, and of course you can always come here and talk to the good folks at Dimensions. Whatever helps you discover more about you. Then as you learn more about who you are and what you're all about, just be yourself. Follow your heart and stay true to your convictions... you can't go wrong!
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Old 06-25-2007, 05:41 PM   #22
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Great post, LJ. Thank you so much. Really. You make some really good points. I have struggled with self acceptance, self love and being comfortable in my own skin all my life.

Thanks to Dimensions, I'm FINALLY getting to the point where I can really love myself no matter what my size is. I've had the Ice Capades, my parents, and other people give me a hard time about my "weight" my whole life, so it was ingrained into my subconscious at a very early age that I had less value as a human being (yes, that's the message I was getting!!!) because I had a few extra pounds on me. I was never "fat," per se, but to me I was. If I weighed 135, I felt like I weighed 300... Add to that my secret desire to BE fat, and it was a recipe for being not very happy with my physical self. BUT NOW, at 143, I'm loving my new-found fat, and loving myself. I'm actually thinking that no matter what happens -- whether I get really super fat or whether I get skinnier or stay the same, I'm going to be really friggin' happy, because it's going to be what me and MY body wants, and no one has the right to make me feel bad about my size or about what I decide is best for my body.

This is ground-breaking territory for me. I want to thank everyone for allowing me to share all these thoughts -- it's been very helpful and healing. If the weight gain is inevitable, which it probably is, then I'll be ready to embrace it and embrace myself, love it and love myself.

So, once again, thank you to everyone on these boards and to everyone who responded to my posts.

FYI: My tummy is really pooching out today, and I'm friggin' loving it!!! Two months or so ago, I could never have said that to myself, much less anybody else. Thank you.

Crystal
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