Bereavement and your health

[SamanthaNY]

Bereavement and your health

Many of us have experienced or are experiencing loss. Whether it be the loss of a loved one, or the loss of something important or significant in your life (a home, a job, a pet), most will experience bereavement, either through death, divorce, distance or some other manner. While bereavement is part of life, it can be devastating, and can adversely affect your overall health. In my experience, little is taught about grieving... what it consists of and how it is important.


Grief is normal... and necessary

When someone is bereaved, they usually experience an intense feeling of sorrow called grief. People grieve in order to accept a deep loss and carry on with their life.

Experts believe that if you don't grieve at the time of death, or shortly after, the grief may stay bottled up inside you. This can lead to emotional problems, and even physical illness later on. Working through your grief will be a painful process, but it's necessary to ensure your future emotional and physical wellbeing.

There is no single proven way to grieve. No one can (or should) tell you how to do it, or how to make it go faster. Everyone is different and each person grieves in his or her own way. However, some stages of grief are commonly experienced by people when they are bereaved. There is no set timescale for reaching these stages, but it can help to know what the stages are and that intense emotions and swift changes in mood are normal.

sources
athealth.com/Consumer/Disorders/Bereavement.html
hcd2.bupa.co.uk/fact_sheets/mosby_factsheets/Bereavement.html
medicinenet.com/loss_grief_and_bereavement/article.htm

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I thought about adding more data and information about the stages and processes of grieving, but then I realized what I really wanted for this thread was input from others, and to see the exchanges between people. My desire for this thread is to have a safe place to express feelings about bereavement, and hopefully to help each other with the process of grieving. While I have no control over what is posted here, I'm asking in advance that you treat this thread, it's participants, and the subject, with respect.

Personally, I first experienced intense grieving a couple of years ago when I lost both my parents and a friend all within 6 months. Aside from the horrible feelings of loss and sorrow, I felt anger... not just the usual anger associated with bereavement, but anger at being uninformed and ill-prepared about what I was experiencing. There are so many things we teach children - but personally, I don't think we teach them enough of about the cycle of life and bereavement.

Thoughts, experiences, comments.... anyone?

Sam, thank you for starting this thread. As you know, I am well aware of each of the instances of loss that you wrote of, and there were times with you, as well as with others on Dims who experienced such a loss, that I felt inadequate in comforting those who were grieving.

I am dealing with my own experiences of loss of loved ones through death. I wrote at great length in the Clubhouse, I think, as a way of working through it, the loss of my former long-term mate of 10 years this past February. I am still feeling the effects of this loss. I dreamed of him only three nights ago, and the vision of him in that dream is still vivid, unlike so many dreams that quickly fade from memory. We weren't no longer together because I stopped loving him; we were no longer together because he had insurmountable addictions that ultimately led to his death--addictions that took their toll on me to the extent that I felt it necessary for my own well-being to get him out of my life. While my affection for him had diminished over time because of these things over which he had no control, I suppose I never really stopped loving him; I did what I had to do to save myself. Although he put me through all kinds of hell (as he did with all of his loved ones), it's remarkable that, after his death, it's all of the good aspects of the relationship that are strongest in my memory. I grieve over the the waste of a life that had such potential, as he was inordinately talented, gifted, creative, intelligent, and compassionate, and I'm angry at all of the reasons in his life that he was led down that path of ultimate self-destruction. I grieve for his beautiful daughter who has to live with this legacy of her father as an addict. I grieve over the fact that he ultimately died alone, albeit in the company of other homeless men in the shelter who had befriended him--that he was not in the presence of someone who knew, loved, and cherished his true heart, soul, and spirit. And, yes, I grieve for myself for being denied the quality of a relationship with him that I feel I deserved, and for the unmet potential inherent in that.

The other situation I am dealing with has not yet been realized, but it is inevitable. Although my father died in 1999, my mother is still alive, but I am concerned that her remaining time on earth is limited. She turned 80 this summer and I see her health rapidly continuing to decline. Her doctor informed my sister this past spring if she did not make some changes in her life, he felt she had only 6 months to a year to live. Because I seem to be the most pragmatic of the siblings with regard to these matters, I have tried to work with her on getting her affairs in order. At times she seems willing, as she knows it is the wise thing to do. But I keep getting resistance from her, with her making excuses. These kinds of fits and starts have taken their toll. It's hard enough to have to consider these things realistically, but the ideal scenario is to deal with them head-on and matter-of-factly and get them done. I understand that she is frightened and fearful, but continual avoidance or circumventing the inevitable is maddening. I would much prefer that she get in writing who gets what (I don't anticipate much of an argument over that, as she doesn't really have much in the way of material or bankable assets), funeral matters such as cremation vs. burial, who to give the service, type of casket if burial, clothes to be dressed in, body viewed or not, preferred songs/verses during service, who will deliver a eulogy...it goes on and on. Far too often, people have a standoffish approach to the reality of death, but this benefits no one, and only causes more anguish during an already stressful situation if these matters are not dealt with beforehand (while they are of reasonable mind). Her eventual death will absolutely crush me, as we are very close and I rely on her heavily for emotional support. Another difficult aspect is that she has never come to terms with certain events in her life. She has carried these issues with her for decades and her refusal to confront them has crippled her in many ways and affected all of us negatively. This is one of the primary reasons that I feel compelled to "escape" through relocation and try to come to terms with my own issues so that I can live out the rest of my life at peace with myself (see sig line below).

ETA: I forgot to mention: My mother was seen recently at home by a geriatric physician, who subsequently scheduled her for an angiogram (or related procedure, can't recall at the moment) next Tuesday. This is the procedure she refused when she was placed in the hospital a couple of months ago. So...more stress will be forthcoming.

[Flyin Lilac]

I'll keep this as brief but as pertinent as humanly possible.

1988 --- My dad committed suicide 10 days before my college graduation. For all intents and purposes, I pretty much shut down (translation: clinical shock) for the better part of a month, and only remember bits and pieces of the days and weeks encompassing the death, funeral, burial, visitors, etc. If I felt anything at all besides "out to lunch," I don't recall it.

Last month --- I attended the visiting hours and funeral service for a very dear friend from work. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in late August and lived exactly a month. Upon learning of her illness and then getting word of her death, I was beside myself with grief ... crying at the drop of a hat when talking about her, missing her terribly, feeling intense anger at the injustice of losing her when dirtbags are allowed to roam free about the Earth without regard. Your basic "normal" emotional gamut when someone close to you dies.

In hindsight, I'm able to recognize now that my intense grieving for my friend was not only for her but also finally for my father. Funny how that happens. I suppose it's simply a case of time, maturity and a little more life experience since 1988.

Anyhow, just my thoughts. My wish for comfort goes to anyone currently experiencing a loss.

[SamanthaNY]

Sauce - thank you for posting here. I know that probably everyone who brings a personal story here will have a hard time doing so, and feel some pain... but I hope they benefit from it in the long run.

Your post struck me quite intensely, and I feel real sadness when I hear of your mother. I remember feeling those same feelings when my father was suffering from cancer, and how we planned for my mother to carry on without him. I remember feeling stress about that... for her, and for me, because I would have to do more for her and try to support her, and how could I possibly ever make it okay for her. I felt guilty and selfish after feeling that (how in the world could any of it be about me, when she will have just lost her husband of 52 years), and even more so when Mom died first. I wonder... if that's when bereavement actually starts - when we see our parents aging, and know the inevitable will come.

I was also struck by what you wrote about potential. Such a funny thing there, potential. It's like we mourn something intangible - something that isn't there, but could have been. Is that a bit nuts? To feel sadness for something that isn't reality? I know exactly how you feel though - and I feel it too. If only some choices were made differently (they weren't great about their own medical care), my parents might have been around longer - but that's not what happened. I suppose the lesson there is not to make the same choices in myself... but didn't my parents have the same lessons taught to them by seeing family members before them pass on? I suppose what-iffing is a trap that one can fall into. Perhaps it's part of grieving itself.

I feel such compassion for you, Sauce - and the things you're g oing through right now. I know you have a full plate in a lot of ways. I hope you find support in all the roads you'll be traveling in the near future. You had some very kind words for me at a very hard time in my life, and I'll never forget that. I hope I can repay the favor.



And Fly - I'm sorry about the loss of your father, and your friend. It's awful to lose a parent, and must be even worse to have it happen in such a terrible manner... it seems wrong to think that one person feels more grief and sorrow than any other losing a parent - but in some ways I think it must be true.

And you're right... it's odd how sorrow and grieving can come back years later, as if it lay dormant. I would like to think that the body and brain do that so that's it's ready to handle the severity of it all... but who's to say what really goes on there. I hope you now feel a bit of peace from it all.

[TraciJo67]

My father died on June 24, 2005, after a very lengthy illness. The weekend that he died, I'd scheduled what I thought would be a regular visit. He quietly passed away while I was in the airport, waiting for a rental car. My sister was waiting outside her house to tell me, and when she did, my first reaction was to give this incredulous laugh. I just couldn't believe it. I knew that it was inevitable; he was enrolled in a hospice program and we were being told that it was going to be a matter of days, maybe weeks. Still, he'd pulled through so many times. There was a part of me that thought he'd survive even these grim estimates. He'd been very ill for so long, it was a bit of a relief when he went. He died quietly, while my mother was out of the room, and he looked like he'd very peacefully fallen asleep. There was no stress or fear on his face. The day he died, we all went out for dinner. We laughed and joked and commented on how odd it was that we could eat, laugh, joke.

A week after he died, my husband and I left for a scheduled trip to Malaysia. I thought that I was fine, and I so didn't want to disappoint my husband, especially since his own parents are frail and in their 80's. We were there to celebrate his parent's 50th wedding anniversary. At one point in the celebration, Jerry's father got up to give a very poignant speech ... and I just lost it. There was something so familiar to me about the very tangible sense of regret his father was expressing, that he'd spent so much of his life working and didn't have the opportunity to know his children the way that he wanted to. The whole inevitability of it all just came crashing down around me, and I fled to the bathroom, locked myself in, and wept. I cried for all the times he struggled so valiantly to breathe, and couldn't, and I'd hear my mother's patient, exhausted 2 a.m. voice: "Guy, it's OK, breathe into the mask ... calm down, you can breathe if you just calm down." I cried because he couldn't even walk to the bathroom in his last few months, and he was so gaunt that his legs looked like triangles, yet his face would still light up with pleasure when his grandchildren walked into the room to be with him (and he could still hug and cuddle them). Mostly, I cried because the only peace he had in years was in death, and because his death was a relief to me.

I'm very fortunate in that I haven't lost my spouse or my child to a lengthy illness. I can't even bear to imagine how much worse it would be. It is the kind of thinking that paralyzes me, and I shut down mentally before I can even complete the thought.

But I do know that losing my father was a numbing shock at first, and then the grief just crashed over me in waves, each losing a bit of intensity as our new reality finally settled in. The pain I feel now is a mere phantom of what it was. I'd like to think that this is part of any grieving process.

Saucywench, something that you said really struck a chord with me:

remarkable that, after his death, it's all of the good aspects of the relationship that are strongest in my memory

This is true of my relationship with my father, as well. I think it's probably a general truth, for those of us who have lost a loved one. It's almost as if I think it would betray his memory to think anything uncharitable of him. Lately, I've found myself able to think about some of his shortcomings, as I am raising my own child and making the inevitable comparisons. But I see those flaws in an entirely new light, knowing as I do now how difficult it can be to do what is right by my own child.

Saucy, my father couldn't bring himself to talk about what he wanted in terms of a funeral service, who gets what, etc until a few days before his death. In fact, he refused to enroll in hospice until weeks before his death (and they won't take an unwilling participant) because he thought that would mean he was giving up. My father also had his own demons that I'd so hoped he'd face up to ... in part, the fact that he'd virtually abandoned his first five children when he married my mother. If he ever did make peace with that decision, and others, he never showed it. I used to think that I wanted him to come to terms with these things for his sake, but now I believe that I wanted it for my own ... so that I didn't have to feel conflicted about his less-than-stellar parenting skills after he was gone. Although I wish we would have talked more about his final wishes, we still managed to have a decent funeral for him (and thankfully, managed to divide his few possessions between us with no fighting & arguments).

[Friday]

Mostly, I cried because the only peace he had in years was in death, and because his death was a relief to me.

This was the hardest part for me when my Mom died just a few months before your Dad Traci. She had been so sick and so unhappy for so very long that death was a release and a relief, both for her and those of us that loved her. But I felt horribly guilty for feeling this way even though any additional time would not have been welcome to her. Even though she'd let us know repeatedly that she was very unhappy that we had had her hospitalized to get her through her most recent crisis 9 months before rather than letting her go.

Strangely enough, when my Dad passed away 10 weeks later with no warning it was less painful even though it was a total shock. Was it because (even though they'd been divorced for 25 years) we thought that they were finally together again and able to at last share the love that had been tangible between them always even when they couldn't live together? I don't know. I still miss them both.

[TraciJo67]

Originally Posted by Friday

This was the hardest part for me when my Mom died just a few months before your Dad Traci. She had been so sick and so unhappy for so very long that death was a release and a relief, both for her and those of us that loved her. But I felt horribly guilty for feeling this way even though any additional time would not have been welcome to her. Even though she'd let us know repeatedly that she was very unhappy that we had had her hospitalized to get her through her most recent crisis 9 months before rather than letting her go.

Strangely enough, when my Dad passed away 10 weeks later with no warning it was less painful even though it was a total shock. Was it because (even though they'd been divorced for 25 years) we thought that they were finally together again and able to at last share the love that had been tangible between them always even when they couldn't live together? I don't know. I still miss them both.

For the longest time, I wouldn't allow myself to express intense anger over my father's death, because it was 'expected'. He wasn't young, he wasn't my child, and he lived a 'full life' to the age of 83. Everyone who tried to comfort us used these facts in one way or another. But really? It didn't matter in the slightest to me. He was still my father. He was my connection to my past, the one man in this world who loved me absolutely unconditionally, and an integral part of how I defined family.

Friday, it must have been wrenching for your family to make that decision, to hospitalize your mother against her wishes. I do feel thankful that we never had to go there with my father ... he didn't want to die, wanted every measure taken, and was palpably frightened for his life when he had episodes that led to hospitalization. We never felt torn about what to do. We always knew. Towards the end, he spent more time in the hospital than out, and that started to take its toll, and I think was the only reason that he finally agreed to hospice care -- so he'd never have to see the inside of a hospital again.

The idea of losing my mother is frightening to me, but ... there is now this REAL knowledge that it WILL happen ... and I know that no matter how difficult it is, I will get through it. Maybe the same is true of your experience, Friday. You lose some of the ability to feel that disbelieving shock, the first time that someone you love dies.

[Friday]

The thing was Traci, at the time the whole sad incident started it wasn't supposed to be a life or death thing. My Husband was in AZ helping her to come back for the summer (snowbird). Some idiot hit them and although it wasn't that bad damage-wise, the adrenaline messed up my Mom's already compromised (emphysema) breathing and she landed in the ER. It wasn't until hours later that the doc called my Sis and said 'if we don't put her on a vent, she'll be dead in minutes.'. What do you do when you're 1500 miles away and they give you 3 minutes to make that kind of a decision? Since there had been no injury and no new illness, we thought she just needed the breathing assist for a short time. It went downhill at that point, even though we got there as quickly as we could. It wasn't that she didn't get well. She did. Well enough to live alone, go shopping, do what she wanted...for a while at least. But it was a long, hard fight to get there and she was tired of fighting from the two times before.

[TraciJo67]

Originally Posted by Friday

The thing was Traci, at the time the whole sad incident started it wasn't supposed to be a life or death thing. My Husband was in AZ helping her to come back for the summer (snowbird). Some idiot hit them and although it wasn't that bad damage-wise, the adrenaline messed up my Mom's already compromised (emphysema) breathing and she landed in the ER. It wasn't until hours later that the doc called my Sis and said 'if we don't put her on a vent, she'll be dead in minutes.'. What do you do when you're 1500 miles away and they give you 3 minutes to make that kind of a decision? Since there had been no injury and no new illness, we thought she just needed the breathing assist for a short time. It went downhill at that point, even though we got there as quickly as we could. It wasn't that she didn't get well. She did. Well enough to live alone, go shopping, do what she wanted...for a while at least. But it was a long, hard fight to get there and she was tired of fighting from the two times before.

I'm sorry that I misunderstood. I assumed that she was admitted for something related to her illness. I hope I was clear in that I wasn't making any judgment about what your family decided for your mother, just empathizing that no matter what, it must have been difficult.

Of course I would have reacted & decided in exactly the same way.

[Friday]

Just to add spice to the issue was that in part her problems that episode came from the fact that the docs didn't know that they were treating a long term alcoholic and over medicated her not realizing her liver was damaged <sigh>. She didn't consider herself one and would have pulled our tongues out with her bare fingers had she heard us tell them she was.

[Aliena]

Originally Posted by SamanthaNY

I wonder... if that's when bereavement actually starts - when we see our parents aging, and know the inevitable will come.

I wish I could properly express to you how much this phrase hit home with me. I just can't; except to say I do this now, everyday.

Sometimes the pain is too much and I feel myself going for a melt down, but then other times I understand death will end their pain and bring them relief.
I haven't fully worked out death yet. It's an on going thing for me, to contemplate it and all.

[QtPatooti]

I have grieved for many things, but the most significant grief I have expierenced was after having a hysterectomy before I was able to have any children. It totally messed me up. I have always dealt with depression, it is in my genes. But this was way past that. I had about six months of huge sobbing grief. Followed by about a year of huge throwing myself on the bed screaming crying anger/grief. It was the most horrendous feeling I have ever experienced. I guess prior to the hysterectomy I had lived in a semi dream world where there was an assumption on what my life would be like. When that rug was yanked out from under me, I was convinced that since I couldnt have children, I had no self worth and everything I had expected in life would never happen. I was a failure and I had no place in life. I did finally get some help. but not before about a year and a half had passed by. I found a great psychiatrist and counselor. I still see the psychiatrist, every 6 months for med check. Which is the best thing I ever did. And have been back to see the counselor several times.

It is still painful. I will always have an empty spot inside. But my life is filled with many neices and nephews, and great neices and nephews. Life is ok now.

Time does take the edge off of raw grief.

I know of a book that helped me through the rough spots, in addition to the counseling - Life After Loss by Bob Deits.

[BubbleButtBabe]

I have started and deleted this three times..Maybe I can do it now..Please bear with me that it is so long..

I lost my Dad from cancer when I was 18..I don't remember a lot about my feelings at the time but I do know it was hard to watch my Mom deal with it all..I can remember being upset at my family for letting them cover him with dirt..Then some lady came up and talked to me and told me I had no right to be grieving so hard,upset my Aunt so much I thought she would slap the lady!

Over the next 3 years my family had to deal with a lot of grief..I felt so sorry for my Mom because she was carrying the brunt of all of it..We had to bury her oldest brother and sister..She had to deal with those deaths on top of my Dad's..She was angry for a couple of years..

I lost my youngest of 3 brothers 10 years ago..He was only 44 years old when he passed..It broke my heart,he and I were good friends, the thought of life without him hurt so much..I couldn't understand why he had to die and his bitch of an ex-wife kept on living and having a good life..I remember being angry,at no one in particular but just angry..I couldn't eat and hardly slept..I kept telling myself that this was not natural..It was suppose to have been my Mom that went first...My brothers and I would grow old together talking about our children and grandchildren..I got to grieve for him for a short time because I was dealing with my oldest brother's diagnosis of lung cancer and my Mom's diagnosis of pancreatic cancer..

My oldest brother was like a Dad to me..He was 21 years older then me and had spoiled me rotten when I was little..He was my rock a lot of times in life..I knew I could rely on him for any thing..It hurt me to see him so sick and so frail from the lung cancer and chemo..He barely weight 120 lbs soaking wet..I had called him the night before he died to talk to him about his cancer Dr.(can't remember what they are called)..He kept telling me he didn't feel like working that night and I kept telling him he needed to go..He died from a stomach aneurism at his job..If he had stayed home then his body wouldn't have been found for a couple of days..When my remaining brother came to tell me the news I was in shock..I didn't cry,I didn't grief I just was..I remember telling God that he couldn't keep doing this to me,I couldn't loose any more brothers..This was in June of 2000..

My Mother had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 1996..She had a 6 hour surgery to try and get rid of most of the cancer..It just prolonged the inevitable..In September of '00 she began to show signs that the cancer was spreading to her liver..She began to get weaker and couldn't remember a lot..I was not working at the time so I became her nurse..I had asked Misty to put off a semester of college to come home and help me..Together we took care of my Mom 24/7 and it was not until the last 2 weeks of her life did we call in hospice..The day I had to admit her into the hospital was so hard because I knew the end was near..It was on a Monday and I had been up with her most of the weekend getting about 4 hours of sleep in 2 days..In the ER I had to sign her DNR papers when she was admitted..Hardest thing I ever had to do in my life and I swore I would NOT do that ever again for any one..I left the hospital about 11 pm that night to go home and get some sleep while my brother and sister-in-law sat with my Mom..About 4 am my brother called and told me to come to the hospital he thought it was the end because she was calling for me and had been for hours..The kids and I dressed and went to the hospital..I walked into her room,bent over her bed and told her Mama I am here,what do you need..She looked up at me and said,I am dying..First time I had cried in months,couldn't even cry at my brother's funeral but that made me blubber..I told her I knew and that I loved her...That seemed to settle her so she went to sleep..I sent my brother and his wife home and I sat with my Mom..On Wednesday evening she began her death rattle..I sat and watched her die slowly,not from the cancer but from congestive heart failure..Blaming myself because I did sign the DNR papers..Her pupils were fixed and dilated and her breathing was very shallow..I knew the time had come and just when I thought she had taken her last breath,she sat up and began to take deeper breaths..I had to leave the room,I couldn't watch her struggle to breath knowing her body was dying..When I left that night I knew what had to be done..During our last couple of months together we had talked a lot about her dying and where she wanted to die and how she didn't want us around when she did die,plus how she wanted her funeral done..So that Thursday evening when my brother came to the hospital I told him we all had to leave or Mom wouldn't die she would continue to linger..We called in a hospice nurse to sit with her that night..My Mom passed away at 5:20 am the following morning..

She had already planned her funeral when my first brother passed away,the only thing she add was that she wanted a closed casket..She didn't want people looking at her while she was dead,she said if they had wanted to see her then they should have came to see her when she was alive..Yea she was that stubborn and prideful! I had shut down my emotions so much while caring for her that during the funeral I did not cry until the preacher did..They had been good friends and he had came to see her a lot towards the end,he so hurt and grief stricken..

My grieving for my Mom and brothers began about 2 weeks after she had passed..After Misty and my niece had packed up all of her belonging and we cleaned out her bedroom...I went to bed and more or less spent 1 whole year in bed grieving and blaming myself for her death,grieving for my brothers I was missing..I was a wreck,I was so bad my son would tell me to get up and take a shower,I stunk..He was make me change my sheets on my bed because they stunk as well..I didn't want to eat,that was the last thing on my mind..I did drink lots of coffee and smoke cigs until I was sick of smoking..


One day I woke up and realized that no matter what I did my Mom was going to die,I knew I needed to get over it so my life would move on..Grieving for the year helped me in so many ways..I now live my life with no regrets and I truly enjoy ever second of it,even if I am super stressed out..I made a promise to them that no matter how I felt I would be nice to people I met..I promised that I would let the other person I was talking to know that I love them..They could be complete strangers but they would feel a love from me..Been doing it since and have made some good friends that way..

Sorry it was so long but as you can see I have had a lot of deaths in my immediate family...

[HottiMegan]

I am in tears reading everyone's stories. I have never really had to deal with death of someone close to me until this summer. I lost my grand fathers adn one grandmother but they werent terribly close living 2000 miles away and only communicating through letters and a visit every few years.

This summer, my mother in law died. She was a diabetic and had a stroke a couple of years ago. After getting a foot infection that required surgery she ended up getting ill after being put on a medication that was known to make her very ill. She was sent home to deal with the medication. She was sick and vomiting so much from this medication that she was put back in the hospital for iv fluids and antibiotics. She was too weakened by this and suffered a massive stroke and went into a coma. We sat at her bedside for 4 days. When everyone was gone for the night to get some much needed sleep, she passed. I was traumatized from the process of watching her die.

To add insult to injury, my mother in law left behind a buttload of paperwork troubles and other messes to clean up. Luckily she had paid the Neptune Society quite a while ago. We came to find out that she had let her life insurance lapse so we couldn't do a funeral. She left behind countless debts that are now trying to get us to pay. (which we know we don't owe since we didn't enter into the financial contract) Now i have to screen calls from creditors since my lazy husband wont fax off death certificates. It's just made my day to day life miserable for the last 4 months.

I have to also explain at least 2 x a week to my 4 year old son about death and how he cant hug his Meme anymore. I am alone in having to do this since I'm the primary care giver of him. It is like scraping off the scabs every time he goes on and on about his Meme. I try my best to stay calm and explain to him about death and how it's a natural part of life. I think all of the dealing with the death and paperwork night mare has lead me to dip into another depression. I have gained 30lbs of the 130+ lbs that i lost earlier this year. I am always tired and really having a hard time dealing with little frustrations of life.

It has also made me notice how my parents are aging. I'm scared to death that I'm going to lose them. My parents are HUGE crutches for me when i need comfort. I married a very loving, sweet man that just doesn't know how to be someone to lean on. So i lean on my mom by sobbing on the phone a lot. I am finally getting my life back on track. My apartment is getting clean and I'm cooking again for the first time in months. We had a lot of take out and boxed foods (which added to the weight gain). I am afraid that my husband will break sometime down the road because he never really dealt with her death. He has been very stoic about it all.

Okay enough rambling. I just wanted to say that all your stories touched close to home.

[BubbleButtBabe]

Megan it sounds like your husband is in denial..By not faxing his Mom's death certificate he is saying she isn't really dead, just away...It sounds like he is grieving just not openly..You are right he will break and when he does cry it will do him a world of good..

As for the creditors, call a lawyer and if you can't afford one, call legal aid and see if they can put a stop to the harassing phone calls..

At 4 your son is way to young to understand death..It would just be easier to tell him his Meme went on a trip and she would be gone for a long time..Tell him that where she is she can't call or write..That she loves him and wont be able to see him..

[Dr. Feelgood]

Originally Posted by BubbleButtBabe

At 4 your son is way to young to understand death..It would just be easier to tell him his Meme went on a trip and she would be gone for a long time..Tell him that where she is she can't call or write..That she loves him and wont be able to see him..

This is the best child-sized explanation of death I've ever read. And after all, it's the truth, isn't it?

[HottiMegan]

Originally Posted by BubbleButtBabe

Megan it sounds like your husband is in denial..By not faxing his Mom's death certificate he is saying she isn't really dead, just away...It sounds like he is grieving just not openly..You are right he will break and when he does cry it will do him a world of good..

As for the creditors, call a lawyer and if you can't afford one, call legal aid and see if they can put a stop to the harassing phone calls..

At 4 your son is way to young to understand death..It would just be easier to tell him his Meme went on a trip and she would be gone for a long time..Tell him that where she is she can't call or write..That she loves him and wont be able to see him..

Since we are not the executors of the will, we always defer stuff to my brother in law. I'm just getting sick of the letters and phone calls since she lived with us for a brief 3 month period. I don't know why on earth she chose my brother in law to take care of all things legal. This guy has pretty bad cerebral palsy and people don't tend to understand him. (he's smart but has poor speech) So I'm not sure how well he's getting the point across about her death to her creditors.

I know my husband will break eventually. I just am waiting to be there for him when it hits home. He did cry a little for her on her 71st birthday. He also says that he had been preparing himself for it since she was in and out of the hospital for the last year.

As for my son. I am trying to be as honest with him as possible. I read about how to deal with death and toddlers so I'm sort of going by what i read. He's a very smart boy and i forget how much we need to watch what we discuss around him

Life is returning to normal and my moods get better by the day. I think it also helps that i finally got my apartment cleaned.

[mariac1966]

This past year I have experienced grief unlike any other that I have in the past. I have grieved over the lose of a pet, loosing my great-grandparents, and even the lose of a job. However, in February 2007 I lost my husband after being married for only 9 months. We had three years together but just got married in May 2006. My husband went into the hospital in January 2007 to have an operation on his foot with a bone graft from his hip. Immediately after surgery (the next day), I knew something was wrong. He started with symptoms that were not normal post-operative symptoms. Having worked in the medical field for 15 years, I was aware of what is normal and what is not....but trying to get the doctors to listen to me was another story. A week later he was admitted to a different hospital with a life-threatening bacteria. He spent 6 weeks in the hospital catching infection after infection, and his body could not fight any more.

I was so devastated that after finding this man and sharing the most remarkable, unconditional love I have ever experienced, our time together was cut so short. Through grieving and my faith in the Lord, I learned that it is not how much time you spend with a person, but the quality of the time spent together. My heart aches every day and I wish I could have him back, but I also think about what I would have missed if I did not have the experiences and memories I do. I am truely thankful for all the time I spent with him and glad that the Lord put us together.

[butch]

Maria, so sorry to hear of your losses.

[Risible]

Originally Posted by mariac1966

This past year I have experienced grief unlike any other that I have in the past. I have grieved over the lose of a pet, loosing my great-grandparents, and even the lose of a job. However, in February 2007 I lost my husband after being married for only 9 months. We had three years together but just got married in May 2006. My husband went into the hospital in January 2007 to have an operation on his foot with a bone graft from his hip. Immediately after surgery (the next day), I knew something was wrong. He started with symptoms that were not normal post-operative symptoms. Having worked in the medical field for 15 years, I was aware of what is normal and what is not....but trying to get the doctors to listen to me was another story. A week later he was admitted to a different hospital with a life-threatening bacteria. He spent 6 weeks in the hospital catching infection after infection, and his body could not fight any more.

I was so devastated that after finding this man and sharing the most remarkable, unconditional love I have ever experienced, our time together was cut so short. Through grieving and my faith in the Lord, I learned that it is not how much time you spend with a person, but the quality of the time spent together. My heart aches every day and I wish I could have him back, but I also think about what I would have missed if I did not have the experiences and memories I do. I am truely thankful for all the time I spent with him and glad that the Lord put us together.

Maria, you've been through a lot; so hard on the soul. I'm very, very sorry for your losses.

May I take this opportunity to welcome you to the Dims community; hopefully you'll find some companionship here to help ease your pain a bit.

[HottiMegan]

Originally Posted by mariac1966

This past year I have experienced grief unlike any other that I have in the past. I have grieved over the lose of a pet, loosing my great-grandparents, and even the lose of a job. However, in February 2007 I lost my husband after being married for only 9 months. We had three years together but just got married in May 2006. My husband went into the hospital in January 2007 to have an operation on his foot with a bone graft from his hip. Immediately after surgery (the next day), I knew something was wrong. He started with symptoms that were not normal post-operative symptoms. Having worked in the medical field for 15 years, I was aware of what is normal and what is not....but trying to get the doctors to listen to me was another story. A week later he was admitted to a different hospital with a life-threatening bacteria. He spent 6 weeks in the hospital catching infection after infection, and his body could not fight any more.

I was so devastated that after finding this man and sharing the most remarkable, unconditional love I have ever experienced, our time together was cut so short. Through grieving and my faith in the Lord, I learned that it is not how much time you spend with a person, but the quality of the time spent together. My heart aches every day and I wish I could have him back, but I also think about what I would have missed if I did not have the experiences and memories I do. I am truely thankful for all the time I spent with him and glad that the Lord put us together.

I am so sorry about your loss. I cant imagine the kind of pain you are in.

[mariac1966]

Thank you all for you sympathies.

[BubbleButtBabe]

I am so sorry to hear of your losses..I wish there were magic words to take away your sorrow and grief...

[moore2me]

One thing we do well in the south is the business of dying. Remember how the funeral parades were in New Orleans before Katrina destroyed a lot of the city’s culture? My mother’s family is from Mississippi and from them I learned how southerners grieve. It is a little different, but I believe it helps prepare us for the inevitable death that comes to everyone. I still remember as a child, my family sitting up with the dead until in recent times the funeral home put a halt on the practice – didn’t want people in their business at night.

First, my mom & dad years ago bought cemetery plots for family. Each of us kids has our graves and a grave for our spouse. If we want to use them, we know exactly where we will be buried – next to dad, grandma, and one day the rest of the clan. On holidays and whenever the family assembles at home, my mom piles us in the car, takes us to the cemetery to clean dad’s & grandma’s graves and decorate them appropriately. If children are present, they get to bring bread to feed the ducks & geese on the funeral ground’s pond.

My husband’s family has for years participated in an Ozark holiday called “Decoration Day”. This occurs every year before Memorial Day. Each family gathers at the family cemetery for cleaning the graves of dead relatives, decorating the graves, and visiting. We then either have a picnic or take the group to a local restaurant. Last year, there were four distinct groups celebrating at the cemetery during the day. Some even brought musical instruments & a PA sound system.

My mother’s funeral has all been pre-arranged and pre-paid. She even has a dress already picked out. She is not sick, just 80 years old. My father has been dead about 20 years. My husband’s mother also had her funeral pre-arranged and pre-paid. It’s not that we are obsessive about dying. It’s just that our culture is more accepting of the fact that death is a part of life. I still grieved for my father when he died, but, we go down this road with our eyes open. We have seen it before. It is familiar. It is sad; the ones left behind are the ones that hurt. We try to comfort each other. It also helps to have strong religious faith, feeling your loved one has gone to a better place.

[mariac1966]

The one thing that has helped me get through this is writing poetry. Poetry has always been my outlet for expression, but there are 2 specific poems that I wrote that have really helped me with my grief over the loss of my husband and really cherish his memories.

The 1st is entitled With Open Arms

With open arms, the Lord brought us together
Not to be judged by outward appearances,
But for what was in our hearts.
The chance to love one another just as He loves us.

Blessed were we to be able to spend all of our time together
Retired and disabled, no better combination.
Our love blossomed as the Lord nurtured us.
Time appeared to be eternal.

Conversely, the Lord had another plan.
Shattered was our time together
For you were riddled with infection.
The sparkle in your eyes dwindled with each passing day.

My arms clutched tightly to you
Wanting to heal you, to protect you.
Needing to be close to you.
Hoping for more.

The Lord was calling
You heard your name, saw His shinning light.
With open arms, I let go
And you died that night.

No longer do you suffer with pain.
Aching are my arms for your touch.
So peaceful you look.
Craving is my heart for your love.

When I hear my name
The sparkle in your eyes will light the way
And I know that you will be waiting
With open arms.

The 2nd is entitled Be Content

The Lord’s intentions were announced
When He brought this man into my life.
In a season when the leaves began a colorful transformation.
Love one another just as I have loved you.

The plan seemed simple enough
Until I had to weather the approaching storms.
From seemingly well-meaning people
Words spewed causing insult to my ears.

I was determined not to be thrown off-kilter
Refuge from the storms was slow in coming
Provisions were provided in the form of a message
Love one another just as I have loved you.

This man and I followed the Lord’s plan
Loving one another just as He loved us
Albeit our time together was cut abruptly
I am blessed to have followed His intent with such contentment
For I experienced a love unlike any other.

The Lord’s lesson was comprehended
Follow His intentions and hold steadfast to His plan
No matter what storms come to pass be content
For the rewards are far greater than any earthly possession.



I hope these poems can bring some comfort to others out there too.