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Old 11-19-2007, 11:31 AM   #1
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Default Is an FA a must?

Here's something I've been pondering lately. To my fellow BBWs/BHMs who are dating, does a man/woman need to be an FA for you to consider him/her? I'm certainly looking for the whole package, but it's just insanely wonderful to be with someone who is wise enough to be attracted to you and your lovely, big, curvy body! I don't want to make everything about my fat (or at least I don't think I do), but recently I met a guy who wants to date me and proclaims that he doesn't care about body type because he's more about personality. I have to admit, even though I like him, there's a little voice inside me that says that I'm too beautiful to settle for an "inner beauty trumps all" mentality! lol! Am I being shallow?
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Old 11-19-2007, 11:57 AM   #2
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I'd say you're not being shallow at all.

My first boyfriend, whom I was with for 3 years, was not an FA. He was one of those "I don't care what you look like" types. All I can say from experience is there's a big difference between someone who doesn't care what you look like and someone who absolutely loves it. But honestly, it all comes down to your personal preferences. Is it possible to be in a loving relationship with someone who's not an FA? Sure is! But for me personally I couldn't do it. I love and thrive on the extra attention only an FA can give.

Although it could be that this guy is an FA but stated that to you because he didn't realize your confidence in yourself or something along those lines. If he's a keeper I'd talk to him about it.
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Old 11-19-2007, 01:11 PM   #3
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personally i don't feel its important that a man you are involved with be an FA. sometimes guys say they don't care what you look like because they think you'll think they are freaky if they say they are an FA. there are a lot of guys who don't even know what an FA is. also there are some guys who actually want a relationship and not just sex, and they don't want that to overtake everything. for the most part a lot of guys won't even approach you if they aren't attracted at all. get used to the fact that if he is having sex with you and likes it he cares.

i go back and forth over the FA issue as well. i would love to date an FA seriously but i haven't really met any i've felt really comfortable enough with in the past 4 years. to be fair though i have only met them online and at bashes. i'm not sure if those places are really conducive to finding what i have in mind. there is something about playing the bbw version of ellimnidate that i find off-putting.

i love the idea of having my body appreciated to the fullest. but then its not fair to assume that guys who don't call themselves FAs won't. for the most part i have dated guys who would not call themselves FAs. i really haven't seen them as being less sexually excited. i think there is a big dfference between a non-FA and someone who is actually disqusted by fat.

one of the drawbacks i've faced when dealing with FAs is that when we have a problem they usually attribute it to how i feel about my fat or how they express their sexuality. its true that they sometimes emphasize that part of the relationship so much that i never get comfortable with them as a person. but generally its really just relationship issues that everyone faces--basic incompatibility etc...

i also believe bbws sometimes fall in love with the idea of being attractive to someone. I think an experience with an FA can be great for some women at this stage. since a lot of FAs are very vocal about their preference they can help bbws gain a sense of themselves as a woman. there is nothing wrong with that and there is also nothing wrong with short termed fun. but a woman has to remember that a lot of these guys are also lounge lizzard types and they are very good at saying and doing the right thing because they benefit from it as well. its not necessarily that they are so overwhelmed by your looks. witness the fact that an hour later he can be saying or doing the same with another woman he has met. there is no difference between him and a guy who is attracted to women with big boobs. the attraction doesn't necessarily mean there is anything personal in it. and to be fair it doesn't exclude it either. but bbws have to get used to the idea that they are truly attractive to MOST men when they present themselves well. once a woman reaches that point in her development she can change somewhat and find that it is really nice if sometimes someone is looking at her face listening to her thoughts and actually talking to her about something other than how she looks. its nice to be important to someone on that level because then you know you never have to worry about whether they still care for you if you decide to gain or lose weight .

PS: true story. one of the sweetest things i ever saw was in chicago this halloween. a man was at the boobash with a woman who was tiny, maybe a size 2. she used to be a bbw but had had WLS because of health issues. he brought her to the bash to show her once and for all that he was totally in love with her. he told everyone who would listen how much he loved her. it was sweet how you could see that he wanted to make sure that she knew that his feelings hadn't changed just because her size had.

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Old 11-19-2007, 02:10 PM   #4
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I don't want to make everything about my fat (or at least I don't think I do), but recently I met a guy who wants to date me and proclaims that he doesn't care about body type because he's more about personality.
Be careful about guys like that, or you'll end up like me. Back in the 1970s I began to date a man who said that he didn't particularly like fat girls, but my personality "intrigued" him. Now what do I have to show for it? Over 25 happy years of marriage, that's what!

He claims those ecstatic full-body massages he gives me were "purely for research", but one might think he'd have all the research he needed after 3 decades. Well, I'll just have to endure it as best I can.

He didn't like fat girls then, but he sure does now, the whole package!

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Old 11-19-2007, 03:48 PM   #5
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Great answers ladies.

I don't believe you are actually, but I'm an FA, so that's a technicality.
I strive in relationships to like a mix of physical traits, and traits unrelated to that. While I do personally think that certain body types are more likely to allure me, I know relationships are way too complex, and as I've heard this a few times before: There's a fine line between fetishism, and admiration.

I personally like SuperO!'s answer the most: I think what really matters is the balance between "I don't care what you look like," and "I don't obsess over your body, but I find you physically attractive." Aurora's explanation is correct as well I think: Find for yourself what you personally look for.
Good luck.
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Old 11-19-2007, 04:49 PM   #6
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I agree with Supero as well...I don't need to date an FFA; I've never had a problem attracting a mate whether I was thinner or heavier (as I am now). I don't necessarily think being having an FA mate makes one any more or any less special...as long as they are "in to you"; it shouldn't matter.
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Old 11-19-2007, 04:53 PM   #7
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It matters to me and I've explained the reasoning at length before (not saying you should know that... just fairly sure everyone here is sick of hearing it.)

Check this thread for links to several really good, comprehensive FA related threads, they cover a lot of areas in this question - we've all had some rather heated, but interesting, discussions about it.

http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/fo...ad.php?t=14693
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Old 11-19-2007, 04:57 PM   #8
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Old 11-19-2007, 05:00 PM   #9
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I don't think it's a question of whether or not a fat person can attract a non-FA.

I would never again date a non-FA. Emotional connections are lovely, spiritual connections are great, but unless there's a physical connection, it's just not going to work. And I don't want to be with any man who doesn't absolutely love my body. And I mean that he's not just accepting of it because it happens to be attached to my brain, but that he actually loves the look and feel of it.

Like Aurora said, there's a huge difference between feeling that a guy accepts my body and knowing that he absolutely adores it. And I'm just a fan of adoration, I suppose.

Could I have a decent relationship with a guy who accepts my size, rather than adores it? Sure. Do I want to? Nope.
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Old 11-19-2007, 05:20 PM   #10
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I'll go a step further. I not only require him to be an FA, but he needs to have a preference for SSBBW - and it's important to me that he have experience dating SSBBWs.
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Old 11-19-2007, 05:22 PM   #11
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It's a because of or despite of argument isn't it?

Does a guy like you BECAUSE you are fat, or DESPITE you being fat (or skinny, or disabled)?

I suppose it's the same argument our skinny sisters give. They probably love the fact that they get lots of attention because of their nice figures, but then complain that the men are only interested in that and nothing else.

Or if you have a guy who really appreciates you for who you are, not what you may look like. Is it because of your nice personality, despite your looks...there is always the problem then that he doesn't appreciate the way you look, and you want your partner to think you are beautiful and desirable.
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Old 11-19-2007, 05:30 PM   #12
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I don't know that I can answer this question because I can't say I've ever been in a serious romantic relationship with a true admirer.

I have been in a serious relationship with someone that I think may have really liked large women but was afraid to admit it, and with someone that loved me for my inner beauty. While that's nice, I think it would be great to be with a man that was proud of me, showed it, and told me I was beautiful, inside and out.

Being naked in front of someone would be a lot more enjoyable if I thought a man was excited by all my curves and rolls, and not just tolerating it because he loved me. (That may have been too much information. ) When I made love for the first time I wasn't terrified because I was getting ready to lose my virginity- I was terrified because someone was getting ready to see me naked. It would be nice to have that fear alleviated.

I don't need anyone's approval to love myself, but a few compliments never hurt, right? I guess I won't know the answer to the question you pose until I fall in love with an FA.

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Old 11-19-2007, 05:32 PM   #13
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I don't think it's a question of whether or not a fat person can attract a non-FA.

I would never again date a non-FA. Emotional connections are lovely, spiritual connections are great, but unless there's a physical connection, it's just not going to work. And I don't want to be with any man who doesn't absolutely love my body. And I mean that he's not just accepting of it because it happens to be attached to my brain, but that he actually loves the look and feel of it.

Like Aurora said, there's a huge difference between feeling that a guy accepts my body and knowing that he absolutely adores it. And I'm just a fan of adoration, I suppose.

Could I have a decent relationship with a guy who accepts my size, rather than adores it? Sure. Do I want to? Nope.
i just still find it amazing that women don't realize that non FAs can adore their bodies
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Old 11-19-2007, 05:34 PM   #14
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...and it's important to me that he have experience dating SSBBWs.
Ack. But what if we were "saving ourselves" for you?
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Old 11-19-2007, 05:38 PM   #15
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to me its essential to be with a man who adores my body, not just accepts it cos its part of me. in saying that its also essential to be with a man who adores my personality, not just accepts it as its attached to my body....

my bf doesnt class himself as an FA however he has a preference for a larger body shape and thats one of the things that attracted him to me initially, now my personality he loves just as much and if i lost or gained weight it wouldnt change his feelings for me.

i think its important to be with someone who sees you as more than one thing, ie more than just a killer body or more than just fun, they need to see it all.

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Old 11-19-2007, 05:38 PM   #16
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i just still find it amazing that women don't realize that non FAs can adore their bodies
A non-FA adoring my body is much different than an FA adoring my body. And I'm speaking purely from my own personal experiences. There's a difference for me.
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Old 11-19-2007, 05:42 PM   #17
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It's a because of or despite of argument isn't it?

Does a guy like you BECAUSE you are fat, or DESPITE you being fat (or skinny, or disabled)?

I suppose it's the same argument our skinny sisters give. They probably love the fact that they get lots of attention because of their nice figures, but then complain that the men are only interested in that and nothing else.
I've never dated an FA (seriously speaking, for a period of time) who was only with me because of my body. I would never date a guy like that.

I think that's where "what comes to you" leaves off and "what you accept in your life" starts up. I'm not going to be with some random jerk just because his flag pole stands at attention when I'm around. I know my value as a person, and I know what I want in a relationship. If he's not giving it to me, no amount of belly grabs or flowery comments are going to matter one bit.

But to have a good man, a nice man, a guy who really likes you for you, and who also looks at you with those "ayyyooogggaa!!" eyes, who touches you in a way that no other guy has because he appreciates pieces of you that have only been speed bumps on the way to the girl parts with previous suitors.... to have that man touch you, caress a curve and apply a small squeeze to your softest areas... well, that's to know what you've been missing. That matters to me, and once I got it, I wasn't willing to look back. I don't ever again want that feeling of being loved for "me" but my body being something that is merely "fine, it's doesn't bother me... really" or "I like it" but meanwhile all celebrity crushes are under a size 6. I'm not even in the ball park of the ideal, and frankly....

It's not good enough for me.
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Old 11-19-2007, 05:42 PM   #18
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Ack. But what if we were "saving ourselves" for you?

A mistake.

Really.

Get out there in the world and get some experience.


Just my opinion...but unless its for strict moral or religious grounds..you have nothing to lose but your awkwardness and ineptitude.

(Not that I am saying you are either of those two things...)



Why anyone would want 72 virgins is beyond me.....oh boy....72 people who dont know what the fuck they are doing....yay.....unless, of course....its to keep them from comparing someone's OWN ineptitude to someone with the mad skilz..


See?...you dont want to be THAT guy.
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Old 11-19-2007, 05:45 PM   #19
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I don't know that I can answer this question because I can't say I've ever been in a serious romantic relationship with a true admirer.

I have been in a serious relationship with someone that I think may have really liked large women but was afraid to admit it, and with someone that loved me for my inner beauty. While that's nice, I think it would be great to be with a man that was proud of me, showed it, and told me I was beautiful, inside and out.

Being naked in front of someone would be a lot more enjoyable if I thought a man was excited by all my curves and rolls, and not just tolerating it because he loved me. (That may have been too much information. ) When I made love for the first time I wasn't terrified because I was getting ready to lose my virginity- I was terrified because someone was getting ready to see me naked. It would be nice to have that fear alleviated.

I don't need anyone's approval to love myself, but a few compliments never hurt, right? I guess I won't know the answer to the question you pose until I fall in love with an FA.

~ Mary
the magic words here--""if I thought a man was excited by all my curves and rolls, and not just tolerating it because he loved me..."

why would you think your body was only being tolerated ? especially if a man was making love to you or wanted too? if a non -FA is tenative in the beginning it may just be because he hasn't had the experience before.
and doesn't quite know what to do yet.

some men both FAs and non FAs never really tell you how desireable you are. they think it either gives a woman too much power in a relationship or it may turn her off.

here again be sure to distinguish between words and deeds. having something said to you doesn't make it so. a guy can whisper a lot of sweet nothings one minute and stand you up for another woman the next. go for deeds over words every time. does he actually treat you with affecction. when he makes love to you is he making love or just having sex with an interchangeable partner?

i thing these things can be the same for FAs and non FAs so don't fall into the stereotype trap.

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Old 11-19-2007, 05:45 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by GroovaliciousGoddess View Post
It's a because of or despite of argument isn't it?

Does a guy like you BECAUSE you are fat, or DESPITE you being fat (or skinny, or disabled)?

I suppose it's the same argument our skinny sisters give. They probably love the fact that they get lots of attention because of their nice figures, but then complain that the men are only interested in that and nothing else.

Or if you have a guy who really appreciates you for who you are, not what you may look like. Is it because of your nice personality, despite your looks...there is always the problem then that he doesn't appreciate the way you look, and you want your partner to think you are beautiful and desirable.
I know those situations are out there, but I'd like to believe there's a third option. Maybe I'm just naive, but can't we like someone for both???

I haven't dated much because while it'd be theoretically fun to date just any old BBW, the last date that I had wasn't. We had little to nothing to talk about and while I could have dragged it on, why bother??? Maybe it's just one more thing to add to my 'exception to the rule' list but I really feel like I'd be wasting my time if either physical or personal attraction were left out. I guess I just don't have that much patience when I've got low hopes.
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Old 11-19-2007, 05:47 PM   #21
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Originally Posted by RedVelvet View Post
A mistake.

Really.

Get out there in the world and get some experience.


Just my opinion...but unless its for strict moral or religious grounds..you have nothing to lose but your awkwardness and ineptitude.

(Not that I am saying you are either of those two things...)



Why anyone would want 72 virgins is beyond me.....oh boy....72 people who dont know what the fuck they are doing....yay.....unless, of course....its to keep them from comparing someone's OWN ineptitude to someone with the mad skilz..


See?...you dont want to be THAT guy.
hahahaha .. I adore you.
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Old 11-19-2007, 05:47 PM   #22
AnnMarie
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A non-FA adoring my body is much different than an FA adoring my body. And I'm speaking purely from my own personal experiences. There's a difference for me.

Exactly.... I thought the non-FAs were wonderful experiences until I was with an FA. The non-FAs were fine, nothing "wrong", but that missing block... that I didn't even know was missing? Once it was filled in... that was it... no going back. That's the rub... once you know about "it"... you always know when it's missing.
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Old 11-19-2007, 05:49 PM   #23
RedVelvet
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Exactly.... I thought the non-FAs were wonderful experiences until I was with an FA. The non-FAs were fine, nothing "wrong", but that missing block... that I didn't even know was missing? Once it was filled in... that was it... no going back. That's the rub... once you know about "it"... you always know when it's missing.
EXACTLY! I mean..the non FA's might adore you, sure, and certainly are aroused by you...and can certainly be very into you.....but man, there IS a difference.

And its big.


Being beautiful to someone is fun. Being their ideal? A revelation.
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Old 11-19-2007, 05:50 PM   #24
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A non-FA adoring my body is much different than an FA adoring my body. And I'm speaking purely from my own personal experiences. There's a difference for me.
i can understand that there can be a difference for you. it depends on what exactly your looking for and everyone is different. all i'm saying is that i haven't found a profound difference when it comes to an FA or a non FA lover. i approach either the same and maybe thats why i get the same reaction--i don't know. i think most of it depends on the people involved and their comfort level with each other and their own bodies.

and here i also notice that a lot of dating talk ends up being about sex. its true that sex is important, but its not the entire relationship (assuming thats what you are looking for) and sex with someone who doesn't truly care about you and respect you can't carry the relatonship even if its the best sex you've ever had. i think a lot of people have break-ups and divorces etc... because they don't understand that you can have great sex with someone who is really bad for you.

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Old 11-19-2007, 05:50 PM   #25
Ash
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Originally Posted by AnnMarie View Post
Exactly.... I thought the non-FAs were wonderful experiences until I was with an FA. The non-FAs were fine, nothing "wrong", but that missing block... that I didn't even know was missing? Once it was filled in... that was it... no going back. That's the rub... once you know about "it"... you always know when it's missing.
Yes! Exactly.
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