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Old 01-29-2006, 04:27 PM   #1
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Default A question for the guys.

(Ladies are welcome to chime in, of course, but I'm definitely hoping for some male feedback, too).

I am a bit of an oddball in that I really don't care much, if at all, about a man's attractiveness in regards to who I'd like to date. Basically, as long as he is relatively well-groomed, is clean and ascribes to the universal laws of hygiene, that's pretty much all I ask. Now, don't get me wrong - if a man to whom I'm attracted happens to be good-looking, that's nice. I enjoy that. But it's very much frosting on an already delicious cake, and completely unnecessary.

I attribute all of this to the fact that when I was in my early 20's I fell madly in love with a friend of mine, who by typical societal standards, was not terribly attractive. But I wanted him. I lusted after him in a very physical, carnal sense, because his intelligence, sense of humor, quirkiness, and our closeness turned me on more than I'd ever imagined possible.

So my point. People flat out don't believe me when I say that I don't care about looks. Women don't, men don't, nobody seems to. It always comes down to, "Well, sure, you have to be attracted to his mind, but there *has* to be a physical attraction/spark at the beginning, too...." But see, there doesn't, because thanks to my first love, I know that I can become physically attracted to someone whose brain and personality get me hot.

Is this really so hard to buy? Do I sound like I'm full of it when I say this? Does anyone else feel this way? Because the response I get when asked what I find attractive and this is my answer is somewhat discouraging - it's always met with skepticism.

Thoughts?
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Old 01-29-2006, 04:51 PM   #2
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I'll be the first female to crash the thread:

I agree completely. Chemistry is important, but that's not simply visual.

Remember, "No matter how good looking they are, someone, somewhere, is tired of their shit." It takes much longer to get tired of them when they are witty, smart, funny and can keep you entertained.
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Old 01-29-2006, 05:11 PM   #3
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Looks matter to me but they're not the whole shebang. I don't care to be with someone who I think is ugly, but attractiveness is more than a set of physical attributes, and when I fall for someone, they become even more beautiful to me, so that I start noticing all these things I may not have seen before as being attractive.
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Old 01-29-2006, 05:15 PM   #4
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I believe you. It's possible to fall in love with a personality and a mind. I'm not sure why people do it, I guess it has something to do with your intentions and strategy when it comes to interpersonal interactions.
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Old 01-29-2006, 06:42 PM   #5
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I believe you very much so. Chemstry is almost essential.
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Old 01-29-2006, 06:54 PM   #6
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I truly think that you are right. Anyway, the results of the polls that are typically made in magazines about "what would you find sexy in your partner?" seemed to show that girls/women find attractive more non-phisical things than boys/men, from things like having a good self-steem to be very wealthy, for instance. Men's results were "her boobs", or "her butt" -of course intelligence and sense of humor were present in the answers of both genders-.

This is the way it seems to be. Males do look more the phisical thing while females look for other things. It can be anthropologicall... antropoli... anthropolitel... whatever, I hope you got it... anyway, it can be explained by that "-logy" that starts with "Anthro-" -I promise that I can write it in spanish ^^-, since males from the very beginning had looked for females with a body that, from their POV, made them better potential "mothers" in a prehistorical way -hips wide enough, good breasts, etc...- while females looked for other things not necesarily phisical. Things have changed a lot since then, but most of the male population still do pay more attention to the body than the female population.

Thanks goodness we, 21th century-males, along with that "deep brain" that still contains in some way those animal-like instincts, have intelligence and morals than prevent us from, for instance, punch anyone that offend us ^_^ In some individuals, sadly, that "deep brain" is more accentuated than it should be ^^U

I, personally, had wanted to be with girls not attractive phisically to me. I specially remember one, but that is that way because I already know her and found her funny and intelligent (anyway, it seems that I wasnt funny or intelligent enough ^^ ). The thing is, when I met my actual girlfriend (with whom I am since year 2000, and I hope that it will last forever ) I did not know her personally, I saw her and thanks to the fact that I was very attracted by her body, I dared to go and start talking to her instead of keep going to where I was going in that moment. The relationship continued and we realized that we had a lot of things in common and that we are made for each other. I can proudly say that now I am not with her for her body (even if it was the thing that made me look at her in the first place).

Now that I read what I had written I realize that I have not answered your question LOL. I apologize... The thing is, that "-logy" I mentioned before, will just give you the reason and show that you are not being "full of it" when you say that you do not first look at the body

Sorry for the long and boring post...
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Old 01-29-2006, 07:06 PM   #7
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I believe you... I was very mentally involved/lusted for a guy who was a very, very close friend of mine, but someone who in a "walking down the street" kind of way would never have turned my head.

However, even though I know it's possible to find something like that without physical chemistry, that's not what I want... LOL

I want the whole nine yards, a guy who makes me blush, who makes me giggle like a school girl because he's a cutie (to me, doesn't have to be hot to others... it's not about that), and who makes me think and feel and look forward to any time I get to spend with him because of who he is on the inside.

If someone can get all of those great things and really have the looks/build/style of their partner matter not one tiny teeny itty little bit... more power to you, I can't do it. PLUS, I wouldn't want someone with me who's not attracted to me at all physically - but that's a whole different issue.

I hope more guys chime in... lol
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Old 01-29-2006, 07:18 PM   #8
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Default Physical beauty or character

I have to say that when I decided to start dating I was very adamant that I would rather have;

Honesty, integrity, virtue, intelligence, honor, sincerity. Looks were not important to me; I wanted to make sure that what I got was something enduring - beauty is fleeting.

The first time I saw a picture of my "soon to be" husband it was horrible. I admittedly did not want to go out with him - but remembered what I had told myself and arranged for a luncheon date.

WOW he was so unphotogenic - but in person what a knockout.

So I am glad I didn't allow myself to sucumb to society's standards - we were married 6 months to the day we met.
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Old 01-29-2006, 07:34 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satsurou
It can be anthropologicall... antropoli... anthropolitel... whatever, I hope you got it... anyway, it can be explained by that "-logy" that starts with "Anthro-" -I promise that I can write it in spanish ^^-
You want "anthropological" and "anthropology". I always think of it as that science that studies humans the way we usually study animals.
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Old 01-29-2006, 07:51 PM   #10
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I believe you.

For me, there are always the gorgeous guys, that catch my eye and ignite my libido. But that's a passing thing, a knee-jerk reaction. To fall in love with someone you have to have something more, and that something more is very rarely attached to physical attributes.
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Old 01-29-2006, 07:53 PM   #11
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Oh, I've definitely got to be attracted to the person, Carrie. This may sound crass, shallow and insensitive but I can't rely on a smashing, loving, caring personality to send blood down to my southern regions. And if blood isn't getting down to the southern regions then that's not going to make for passionate love making. That's gonna make for frustration and embarrassment and a low self-esteem for BOTH parties. I want someone I can just stare at while she shops for groceries, or someone whose nose I can kiss because it's such a darling l'il nose, or someone I can romanticly attack in the kitchen because she made the deadly mistake of bending over to pick up a stray piece of popcorn.

BUT (and this is a big but) I do admit if you somehow find yourself in a situation where you're exposed to someone on a regular basis (like a 9-5), that person you initially may have found unattractive may gradually become beautiful beyond belief in your eyes. You'll find yourself madly and passionately in love with him or her because their words and physical movements and habits have become deeply endearing to you. How else can you explain Pam Anderson even TOUCHING Kid Rock, or Beyonce and Jay-Z?? Only thing is, I don't have a 9-5 to go to and I'm CERTAINLY not prepared to turn "nelly" for my mailman James, rgardless of how kind the dude is.

But yeh, repeated exposure to someone can cause emotions to soar. And so can alcohol.

JOKING!!

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Old 01-29-2006, 08:01 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Les Toil
someone I can romanticly attack in the kitchen because she made the deadly mistake of bending over to pick up a stray piece of popcorn.

That is the best image ever.

OH man, I want that again!!
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Old 01-29-2006, 08:02 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RedHead
The first time I saw a picture of my "soon to be" husband it was horrible. I admittedly did not want to go out with him - but remembered what I had told myself and arranged for a luncheon date.

WOW he was so unphotogenic - but in person what a knockout.
So sticking to the point of this thread, Redhead, what would have happened if he DID look exactly as he did in that photo? It sounds as if his being a knockout was a definite plus (which I agree it is).
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Old 01-29-2006, 08:20 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carrie
(Ladies are welcome to chime in, of course, but I'm definitely hoping for some male feedback, too).

I am a bit of an oddball in that I really don't care much, if at all, about a man's attractiveness in regards to who I'd like to date. Basically, as long as he is relatively well-groomed, is clean and ascribes to the universal laws of hygiene, that's pretty much all I ask. Now, don't get me wrong - if a man to whom I'm attracted happens to be good-looking, that's nice. I enjoy that. But it's very much frosting on an already delicious cake, and completely unnecessary.

I attribute all of this to the fact that when I was in my early 20's I fell madly in love with a friend of mine, who by typical societal standards, was not terribly attractive. But I wanted him. I lusted after him in a very physical, carnal sense, because his intelligence, sense of humor, quirkiness, and our closeness turned me on more than I'd ever imagined possible.

So my point. People flat out don't believe me when I say that I don't care about looks. Women don't, men don't, nobody seems to. It always comes down to, "Well, sure, you have to be attracted to his mind, but there *has* to be a physical attraction/spark at the beginning, too...." But see, there doesn't, because thanks to my first love, I know that I can become physically attracted to someone whose brain and personality get me hot.

Is this really so hard to buy? Do I sound like I'm full of it when I say this? Does anyone else feel this way? Because the response I get when asked what I find attractive and this is my answer is somewhat discouraging - it's always met with skepticism.

Thoughts?
(Well, you've had lots of responses since I started this post, but what the hell.)

Carrie, I absolutely relate to what you're saying, as I feel I am the same way. I fell deeply in love with someone online several years ago and it was months and months and months before I ever got a glimpse of what he looked like. I was hooked almost from the start, too, because he just had that quirky sense of humor and irreverence that just gets me all tingly. He considered himself a rather common-looking man, but his unassuming nature only added to my attraction. I love finding those "diamond-in-the-rough" types because I feel I've found a rare gem (to extend the analogy) that hasn't been tainted by fawning, excess adoration. I like the thought of adoring and being adored by a man that most women would overlook--it makes him all the more special to me.

We did in time meet and, it's true, he was not a man of classical good looks. But what did that matter to me by that point? With him I had let down all of the protective walls that I normally erect with men. He had broken through to the most tender parts of my soul, and it has taken all of four years to let go. Although a real-life relationship was not possible with him, he gave me a glimpse of the type of relationship that I truly desire with a man, and looks have nothing to do with it. It was a relationship of rare and deep intimacy, and that is why I am currently alone, because I am unwilling to settle for anything common again. I only hope that I can achieve that same level of intimacy with someone who will be available for me, because I deserve it, and I've waited all of my life for it.
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Old 01-29-2006, 08:25 PM   #15
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For me chemistry is the main thing, but looks are a part of that chemistry. I've never had a romance based on looks alone. But then, I've never been one for one-night stands or picking people up, ever. If I were, maybe looks would figure more into it.
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Old 01-29-2006, 08:28 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by Satsurou
.... Men's results were "her boobs", or "her butt" -of course intelligence and sense of humor were present in the answers of both genders-.

This is the way it seems to be. Males do look more the phisical thing while females look for other things....
I am appalled (ok, maybe not that extreme, but it's certainly remarkable) when I visit these BBW dating sights and read the profiles of men there. So many don't seem to give much importance to a woman's intelligence. That certainly thins the herd, from my point of view. If I can't relate to a man on an intellectual level, there will be no relationship. I doubt that I could even bother to muster a hello.
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Old 01-29-2006, 09:00 PM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Les Toil
Oh, I've definitely got to be attracted to the person, Carrie. This may sound crass, shallow and insensitive but I can't rely on a smashing, loving, caring personality to send blood down to my southern regions. And if blood isn't getting down to the southern regions then that's not going to make for passionate love making. That's gonna make for frustration and embarrassment and a low self-esteem for BOTH parties. I want someone I can just stare at while she shops for groceries, or someone whose nose I can kiss because it's such a darling l'il nose, or someone I can romanticly attack in the kitchen because she made the deadly mistake of bending over to pick up a stray piece of popcorn.

BUT (and this is a big but) I do admit if you somehow find yourself in a situation where you're exposed to someone on a regular basis (like a 9-5), that person you initially may have found unattractive may gradually become beautiful beyond belief in your eyes. You'll find yourself madly and passionately in love with him or her because their words and physical movements and habits have become deeply endearing to you. How else can you explain Pam Anderson even TOUCHING Kid Rock, or Beyonce and Jay-Z?? Only thing is, I don't have a 9-5 to go to and I'm CERTAINLY not prepared to turn "nelly" for my mailman James, rgardless of how kind the dude is.

But yeh, repeated exposure to someone can cause emotions to soar. And so can alcohol.

JOKING!!

Les
I vehemently agree. Emphatically, even

An attraction has just got to be there for me - and not just an emotional connection, either (although that is also essential). I can find something endearing and beautiful in just about anyone -- but that doesn't mean that I'm going to be physically attracted to him.

Conventionally good looking men don't do much for me -- no matter how hot someone looks, if he knows it (and has the attending ego) I'm going to be really turned off. But I do have a 'type' - I find myself more attracted to tall, thin men. I don't think that I've ever felt a physical stirring for a man who is shorter than me, and I ::::shudder:::: at body-builder types. Yeah, some might think that's shallow; but that's OK with me. I can't change what I am and am not attracted to.
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Old 01-29-2006, 09:20 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carrie
Is this really so hard to buy? Do I sound like I'm full of it when I say this? Does anyone else feel this way? Because the response I get when asked what I find attractive and this is my answer is somewhat discouraging - it's always met with skepticism.

Thoughts?
i believe you. sexual attraction is not exclusively a matter of physical appearance. its a psychological relation. you know what they say, the biggest sexual organ is the brain. the importance of the physical aspect of the person is relative. on the other hand i don't think that not caring about looks is somehow more virtuous. why would that be? what attracts you is how that person complements your personality. and that doesnt necessarily have to do with moral qualities. it has more to do with whatever you need psychologically. a person could say, "i dont care how he looks as long as he abuses me all the time". uggh. people that think you are full of it may think that you are implying that you are morally superior.

me? looks are an important part of the mix. oh yes.
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Old 01-29-2006, 09:25 PM   #19
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My wife fell in love with me. She knew I was damn ugly. And I am. *joke* But, thats not the point. We see each other for who we once were, who we are now, and who we will be in the future. She fell in love with my *cute sad eyes* sweet, loving, caring, humorous, kind attributed personality. We met online. I fell in love with her gorgeous eyes, sweet, loving, caring, kind, cleverness, intelligence. We always appreciated one another's company and always loved cheering each other up. Plus, we had been and still are Certified Nursing Assistants.

I suppose I like to impress her by being romantic, writing music, doing the regular house-hold chores, massaging her feet, or just trying to go out of my way to be a gentleman. We don't always get along.

We found out how much more we loved one another when we met in person..(She was from Minnesota)..(I was from North Carolina.) The day we met was awesome..we even reflected back on it today as we were traveling on the road. *smiles* Its hard to express how wonderful it was for the both of spending time with one another for an entire week in person...and when the day I had to leave Minnesota and go back to North Carolina....we both had tears rolling down our cheeks.

I feel so blessed to have found Josalynn (my wife)

p.s. *words of wisdom* Don't always take other people's advice over your own judgment when you feel compelled to decide on: dating and breaking up.
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Old 01-29-2006, 09:34 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by saucywench
I am appalled (ok, maybe not that extreme, but it's certainly remarkable) when I visit these BBW dating sights and read the profiles of men there. So many don't seem to give much importance to a woman's intelligence.
A guy messaged me on the Dimensions Matching System once. In his little blurb where he said what he was looking for in a partner, he said "Of coarse, intelligence is a must."
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Old 01-29-2006, 09:39 PM   #21
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Sweet, and wise, words, swamptoad.
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Old 01-29-2006, 09:45 PM   #22
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Originally Posted by Les Toil
BUT (and this is a big but) I do admit if you somehow find yourself in a situation where you're exposed to someone on a regular basis (like a 9-5), that person you initially may have found unattractive may gradually become beautiful beyond belief in your eyes. You'll find yourself madly and passionately in love with him or her because their words and physical movements and habits have become deeply endearing to you.
This is really the core of what I was trying to get to, that I think the initial physical appearance is maybe not important to me because I *know* without a doubt that given time, if the connection is there, he will become incredibly physical attractive and completely adorable to me. I need to feel that lust, that carnal desire, for my partner - that's an absolute must. But it's okay if it's not there initially, as long as the emotional/mental spark is there. The emotional/mental spark means there's potential for the lust. I hope that makes sense.

Thank you, everyone, for your great replies to my post. You've given me a lot to think about, and I just love hearing from the broad array of experiences and opinions we have here!
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Old 01-29-2006, 09:48 PM   #23
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Once you establish a mental connection the physical will follow. Your preferences otherwise don't matter because that person becomes the ideal. It doesn't matter what his body looks like as long as it is the body that belongs to him.

I speak from experience... but replace "him" with "her..."
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Old 01-29-2006, 09:50 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by AnnMarie
PLUS, I wouldn't want someone with me who's not attracted to me at all physically - but that's a whole different issue.
Y'know, AnnMarie, that's an excellent point, and one I'd never considered. I also want to be with a man who finds my physical being hot and sexy, and don't want to be with one who sort of puts up with my fat (or whatever) because my inner me is attractive to him. But I don't know if the two are comparable, because I'm not saying that I learn to live with a man's appearance if I'm in love him, but that I actually become incredibly attracted to him if I'm in love with him.

That having been said, I really do want him to lust after me from the get-go, so I don't know....hmm. I'll have to ponder this.
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Old 01-29-2006, 09:50 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by Carrie
This is really the core of what I was trying to get to, that I think the initial physical appearance is maybe not important to me because I *know* without a doubt that given time, if the connection is there, he will become incredibly physical attractive and completely adorable to me. I need to feel that lust, that carnal desire, for my partner - that's an absolute must. But it's okay if it's not there initially, as long as the emotional/mental spark is there. The emotional/mental spark means there's potential for the lust. I hope that makes sense.

Thank you, everyone, for your great replies to my post. You've given me a lot to think about, and I just love hearing from the broad array of experiences and opinions we have here!

Okay, I'm with you now.... I'm right there. Except this...

That would only work for me if the person in question wasn't posessing a quality that I find physically unattractive. They may not be my type or whatever, but that's fine. But if they were built in a way, or had something about them that was something I find really unattractive in general, then I don't think I could overcome that to the extent of getting to the carnal feeling.

I may have just said what I said earlier, but I think I was saying that you're right within certain limits. LOL
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