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Old 12-20-2007, 09:37 PM   #51
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that did make me laugh. I'd forgotten just what the OP said 'til I read your bolded recap.

Anyway, he can just find himself a fatty mistress and be done with it.
Or he can knock her up again. Babies are cheap and easy to raise - like hermit crabs!
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Old 12-20-2007, 09:40 PM   #52
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OK, I goofed - was confusing this thread with another, here..

Calling me out is fine, but it wasn't lying.
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Old 12-20-2007, 09:44 PM   #53
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OK, I goofed - was confusing this thread with another, here..

Calling me out is fine, but it wasn't lying.
I forgot the obligatory j/k face. I was calling you out, yes, but I just like that line esp. when said with a Victorian accent and holding a snifter of brandy.
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Old 12-20-2007, 10:32 PM   #54
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If she loves you she should respect your wants, desires and needs as she expects you to do for her, which may result in compromise.
I disagree. No matter how much I love someone, my body is mine. It is not a baby farm (this one's for you, jello4me!), it is not a bargaining chip. If my man is no longer attracted to me, well, them's the breaks. Sucks to be me, in that case. Because, in my experience, you can't make someone feel attracted to you if they are not inclined to be. Sure, you can try to "fix" yourself temporarily. I'm just not the type to do that. Take me as I am, I say. If I have to go around always pleasing others, I don't believe I have a hope of ever pretending to be an authentic human being. And that matters to me. And I would hope that committed relationships would be just the situations where we could expect the most acceptance from others, and to be celebrated the most for being who we are.

Knowing that the a man with whom I was in a committed relationship was no longer attracted to me, I'd be very sad and upset and disappointed at first, and eventually my love for him might begin to diminish. This happens all the time. People let each other down. They fall out of love. We've probably all been through it.

In this particular scenario, the more I realized my guy didn't want me, the less motivated I would feel to want to "compromise," just because, naturally, I'd feel less loyalty and less admiration for him now. I think this only makes sense. So I think that your solution above is not a good, longterm solution, simply because of the decreased likelihood of compromise from love in a situation that already called the foundation of that love into question. But in any case, I think--I admit I could be wrong--that the kind of compromise you're proposing above, Russd, is really a keyword for "get fat or I do not love you anymore." And no one likes to be asked to ship up or ship out. You know?

I like jello4me's solution better: If you really can't live with your wife's body as it is, get a mistress, and wait for your wife to find out and file for divorce. Destructive as this is, it seems slightly more "adult" than expecting someone you've promised to love and support to change their body to please you, and putting that "love," as you suggest, on the balance. I understand that some men value sexual satisfaction above other things. I know a few women who demand it, too. And if you need it, you need it, right? I mean, there are choices to be made. Love or lust? Lust or love? Ordinarily, one hopes that they go hand in hand, and not to have to choose. But we're talking about people who no longer find the people they love attractive. Of course, by the time you're ready to get a mistress, any commitments you've made have gone out the window a long time ago, so love is technically not a factor in jello4me's vision, IMO.

Presuming we're really talking about a marriage where love has been there and is now "on the rocks," I think the best thing of all to do in the case of our OP might be to be honest: tell your wife you aren't happy, that you've been depressed and feel like you're "missing out;" that you find yourself checking out other men's wives and thinking those men are luckier than you; that you are "attracted to even heavier figured women," whom you've been checking out with increasing frequency; that you wish she (your wife) would gain weight; and that you've been on a forum where fat and weight-gain are discussed publicly, asking for pointers on how to get her to "gain weight and stay on that path." In short, what he has told us, he really should be telling his wife (we agree on something, Russd! All is not lost!)

There is nothing wrong with wishing you had a fatter wife. Just as there is nothing wrong with that wife wishing to be thin. In certain extreme cases, I have to imagine that the only solution is for people in these quandaries to go their separate ways.

PS - jello4me, I do like your use of the word "blubber." It's a word I love and it does not get the respect it deserves. Kudos on that
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Old 12-20-2007, 10:38 PM   #55
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Have you tried talking to her about how it's her life, not her friends' life?

I know someone who's really mean to me about my weight. Whenever she sees a fat person on television... "Hey, that's you... hahaha!"... a person exercising on television... "Hey, you need to do that!"... I'm eating (no matter how small of a portion or how little I eat)... "Jeez... you eat too much! Stop eating too much!"

It goes on and on and on. Yet, I don't let it bother me. I know that she's just mean and has her own preference as well as not accepting me for who I am.

Her friends should be accepting her as they are and they are simply making a typical compliment as anyone would do when a person loses weight.

People are likely to compliment another when weight seems to be lost, but not insulted when weight is gained. This concept is often confusing and can have a negative effect on some people if they look at it the wrong way.

If I lost some weight and someone complimented me on that, I wouldn't keep doing it because I know I can't do it forever. If I got 100% on a test and someone complimented me on that, I wouldn't keep doing it cuz I know I can't get 100% on everything. If I donated money to charity and someone complimented me on that, I wouldn't keep donating to charity cuz I would go broke!
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Old 12-20-2007, 11:41 PM   #56
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I disagree. No matter how much I love someone, my body is mine. It is not a baby farm (this one's for you, jello4me!), it is not a bargaining chip. If my man is no longer attracted to me, well, them's the breaks. Sucks to be me, in that case. Because, in my experience, you can't make someone feel attracted to you if they are not inclined to be. Sure, you can try to "fix" yourself temporarily. I'm just not the type to do that. Take me as I am, I say. If I have to go around always pleasing others, I don't believe I have a hope of ever pretending to be an authentic human being. And that matters to me. And I would hope that committed relationships would be just the situations where we could expect the most acceptance from others, and to be celebrated the most for being who we are.

Knowing that the a man with whom I was in a committed relationship was no longer attracted to me, I'd be very sad and upset and disappointed at first, and eventually my love for him might begin to diminish. This happens all the time. People let each other down. They fall out of love. We've probably all been through it.

In this particular scenario, the more I realized my guy didn't want me, the less motivated I would feel to want to "compromise," just because, naturally, I'd feel less loyalty and less admiration for him now. I think this only makes sense. So I think that your solution above is not a good, longterm solution, simply because of the decreased likelihood of compromise from love in a situation that already called the foundation of that love into question. But in any case, I think--I admit I could be wrong--that the kind of compromise you're proposing above, Russd, is really a keyword for "get fat or I do not love you anymore." And no one likes to be asked to ship up or ship out. You know?

I like jello4me's solution better: If you really can't live with your wife's body as it is, get a mistress, and wait for your wife to find out and file for divorce. Destructive as this is, it seems slightly more "adult" than expecting someone you've promised to love and support to change their body to please you, and putting that "love," as you suggest, on the balance. I understand that some men value sexual satisfaction above other things. I know a few women who demand it, too. And if you need it, you need it, right? I mean, there are choices to be made. Love or lust? Lust or love? Ordinarily, one hopes that they go hand in hand, and not to have to choose. But we're talking about people who no longer find the people they love attractive. Of course, by the time you're ready to get a mistress, any commitments you've made have gone out the window a long time ago, so love is technically not a factor in jello4me's vision, IMO.

Presuming we're really talking about a marriage where love has been there and is now "on the rocks," I think the best thing of all to do in the case of our OP might be to be honest: tell your wife you aren't happy, that you've been depressed and feel like you're "missing out;" that you find yourself checking out other men's wives and thinking those men are luckier than you; that you are "attracted to even heavier figured women," whom you've been checking out with increasing frequency; that you wish she (your wife) would gain weight; and that you've been on a forum where fat and weight-gain are discussed publicly, asking for pointers on how to get her to "gain weight and stay on that path." In short, what he has told us, he really should be telling his wife (we agree on something, Russd! All is not lost!)

There is nothing wrong with wishing you had a fatter wife. Just as there is nothing wrong with that wife wishing to be thin. In certain extreme cases, I have to imagine that the only solution is for people in these quandaries to go their separate ways.

PS - jello4me, I do like your use of the word "blubber." It's a word I love and it does not get the respect it deserves. Kudos on that
For the love of all things good, someone rep this woman as I am all out for her for now.
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Originally Posted by Representative John Duncan, R-TN
It seems rather elitist to me for people who may have degrees in this field feel that they, because they've studied it, they somehow know better than the parents.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jon Stewart
Yes, in the Brownback family we teach that boys have a god stick and girls have a shame cave.
Manny: yeah but i could be patient zero to a rabies epidemic
Manny: rabies is as close to zombification as we can get
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Old 12-20-2007, 11:57 PM   #57
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For the love of all things good, someone rep this woman as I am all out for her for now.
Damn.

And this post is fantastic.
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Old 12-21-2007, 07:16 AM   #58
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I like jello4me's solution better: If you really can't live with your wife's body as it is, get a mistress, and wait for your wife to find out and file for divorce. D
I think everyone should have a fulfilling sex life. There are many, many men who would find your thinner wife more attractive than your fatter wife. Meaning: it shouldn't be hard for her to find someone with whom to be sexual. That would make it easier for you to also find a fat partner, OP. And that way, you're both able to be sexually fulfilled! Personally, since you're the one pulling away, I think you should do her the courtesy of letting her find her outside partner first, though.
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Old 12-21-2007, 07:40 AM   #59
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Assuming the OP is to be believed, I don't think his lack of interest in his wife sexually has to do strictly with her weight loss. He was attracted to her at the beginning, so why not now? I think there are other factors at work here. It could be the kids (this seems to be common) or other new circumstances that have changed their relationship. Initially I believe sex is (or rather, can be) the catalyst for a relationship, but with long-term relationships I believe that it's the health of the relationship itself that leads to better and more frequent sex. No matter what, you're gonna lose that gotta-have-it spark over time, and people change physically, of course, voluntarily and involuntarily, and people are fully capable of losing interest in their partner even when nothing changes.

My partner is currently the heaviest she's ever been, but she's been close to this weight before and we haven't always connected physically. I assume its because this time her attitude about her body and her weight is different, and we're at a good place in general. The bottom line is that while physical attraction is indeed important, over the long term sex is still mostly in the mind.
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Old 12-21-2007, 09:42 AM   #60
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Assuming the OP is to be believed, I don't think his lack of interest in his wife sexually has to do strictly with her weight loss. He was attracted to her at the beginning, so why not now? I think there are other factors at work here. It could be the kids (this seems to be common) or other new circumstances that have changed their relationship. Initially I believe sex is (or rather, can be) the catalyst for a relationship, but with long-term relationships I believe that it's the health of the relationship itself that leads to better and more frequent sex. No matter what, you're gonna lose that gotta-have-it spark over time, and people change physically, of course, voluntarily and involuntarily, and people are fully capable of losing interest in their partner even when nothing changes.
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Old 12-21-2007, 08:09 PM   #61
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For the love of all things good, someone rep this woman as I am all out for her for now.
ah! I just did, and it was before I saw your request
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Old 12-21-2007, 09:21 PM   #62
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There are some men that eventually, the issue of weight can destroy their marriage. It doesn't make them any worst than any other man, just different.
That seems to be a matter of opinion......
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Old 12-21-2007, 09:24 PM   #63
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i can't keep up anymore with posts that might seem spurious but i do wonder something: isn't marriage a pretty serious arrangement? and don't people know they, and their partners, will change over time, in all manner of ways? ways that can't even be hinted at yet? and isn't that the thing that you accept in order to get the other rewards that marriage brings (ie.., as opposed to just dating someone or living with someone, etc.?)? And isn't one of thhe major tenets of marriage 'For better or worse?'

Shush up with your logic..........I thought it was understood that it's all about being sexually attractive to your man...always and forever. Who could want for more? It's obviously the key to happiness.....
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Old 12-21-2007, 09:33 PM   #64
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For the love of all things good, someone rep this woman as I am all out for her for now.

I got her
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Old 12-21-2007, 09:34 PM   #65
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I think everyone should have a fulfilling sex life. There are many, many men who would find your thinner wife more attractive than your fatter wife. Meaning: it shouldn't be hard for her to find someone with whom to be sexual. That would make it easier for you to also find a fat partner, OP. And that way, you're both able to be sexually fulfilled! Personally, since you're the one pulling away, I think you should do her the courtesy of letting her find her outside partner first, though.

Oh, and I just happened to have enough for Jes again, too
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Old 12-21-2007, 09:35 PM   #66
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Assuming the OP is to be believed, I don't think his lack of interest in his wife sexually has to do strictly with her weight loss. He was attracted to her at the beginning, so why not now? I think there are other factors at work here. It could be the kids (this seems to be common) or other new circumstances that have changed their relationship. Initially I believe sex is (or rather, can be) the catalyst for a relationship, but with long-term relationships I believe that it's the health of the relationship itself that leads to better and more frequent sex. No matter what, you're gonna lose that gotta-have-it spark over time, and people change physically, of course, voluntarily and involuntarily, and people are fully capable of losing interest in their partner even when nothing changes.

My partner is currently the heaviest she's ever been, but she's been close to this weight before and we haven't always connected physically. I assume its because this time her attitude about her body and her weight is different, and we're at a good place in general. The bottom line is that while physical attraction is indeed important, over the long term sex is still mostly in the mind.
Booooo ya! I had enough for this guy, too
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Old 12-21-2007, 10:08 PM   #67
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At the very back of these chronic type of posts lurks for me the sense that some FAs must be kinda sublimating their preferences--sometimes stiff-arming them, if they're aware of them at all--in those crucial life-decision years.

- This is not an anti-spectrum post, I know people are / can be attracted to all types, etc -

I'm just sayin that in re: dudes who really like the fat girls, I can't help thinking, from a very removed perspective, that if it were more okay to have married an actual fat girl...they mighta just done that. Not that that would have necessarily solved these problems but still. If fat were all more okay--REALLY okay--then maybe some of this would look a little different.

Who knows. Just thinkin (about the obvious). As you were. FAs...seek tha fatties. Lots of very good points in this thread.

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Old 12-21-2007, 10:37 PM   #68
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ah! I just did, and it was before I saw your request
Thank you
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Old 12-21-2007, 10:40 PM   #69
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always and forever.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

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Old 12-21-2007, 10:52 PM   #70
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tres huevos, I just saw your new signature. Who's got your back? Me. That's who.
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Old 12-22-2007, 03:12 PM   #71
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...I'm just sayin that in re: dudes who really like the fat girls, I can't help thinking, from a very removed perspective, that if it were more okay to have married an actual fat girl...they mighta just done that...

I think you've made an excellent point. I'm sure it played a big part for many guys.
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Old 12-22-2007, 04:08 PM   #72
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You would think that SOMEONE who is MARRIED to SOMEONE ELSE would have the foresight to realize something that might, in the future, be an issue.

As an FA myself, and a guy who likes the whole spectrum of women as well as seeing weight gain, I'd have to say this could have been avoided entirely. I could understand if you had no preconception of your enjoyment of the more plush figure, but to be completely oblivious of your wife's feelings about the whole affair BEFORE getting married, that, SIR, was a tragic failing.

Falling in love may not be optional, but there are 6.6+ billion people on this planet, more than half of which are women...so, out of those approximately 3.3+ billion women out there, of which you're likely exposed to 1% of them, maybe, I still think you'd have a chance to find someone who fit the personality you were looking for, while still matching up with your likes and tastes insofar as weight and willingness to be rounder goes.

Prior planning prevents poor performance.

As individuals we each have the choice and opportunity to choose what is good and what isn't. We have the ability and the knowledge to prevent our future dissatisfaction with our significant other. The problem is that too many of us are AFRAID of FAILURE and being alone forever, and thus we settle for someone who doesn't meet our long term AND short term needs.

Essentially what I'm saying is that maybe this could have been discovered earlier, and meshed out at a point in time where there was not the future of three children, and two adults riding on your preference. It stops being just your decision and preference that matters with the commitments to stay together and the children to solidify it.

Buck up and deal. Tell her exactly how you feel, why you feel that way, and what you think. Don't tell her in a way that makes her seem in the wrong, because it is your opinion. Make sure she fully understands you, and that you don't yell, scream, or mutter. Write it down and rehearse it if you have to, just make sure she gets the complete picture, and a full view of your feelings and thoughts on the matter. AND remember DO NOT DEMAND ANYTHING.

Live with whatever she decides...because it isn't fair to punish her, or your children, simply because of something you didn't make clear when it was important to do so.

That's my thoughts on it anyway, take it with a grain of salt...or don't. Either way, its better to be honest and truthful, than to rot inside because you're living a lie.
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Old 12-23-2007, 10:07 AM   #73
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I wish I had a man that loved my full figure and didnt want me to lose weight I think you should encourage her to gain more weight put weight gain formula in her food
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Old 12-23-2007, 11:31 PM   #74
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Live with whatever she decides...because it isn't fair to punish her, or your children, simply because of something you didn't make clear when it was important to do so.
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+1. Very sagacious, good sir. Links well with TSL's statement about putting everything in the open. I concur!
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Old 12-25-2007, 11:44 PM   #75
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I wish I had a man that loved my full figure and didnt want me to lose weight I think you should encourage her to gain more weight put weight gain formula in her food
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