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Old 12-18-2007, 04:36 PM   #1
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Default FA guilt

I wonder how other FAs feel when they lose weight.... Right now I'm about as thin as I've been in my adult life, due to a combination of overwork, stress, and some effort on my part. I have to admit, I like it. Short-lived as it may turn out to be, I like my clothes being loose, and seeing a svelter reflection in store windows, and frankly, I feel sexier (that is, as sexy as a man who looks like Dave Atell crossed with Khalid Sheik Mohammed can be).

Thing is, my partner, who has yo-yo'd between buff and chubby since I've known her, is now as fat as she's ever been and doesn't seem to be making much effort to lose weight. She's not overly thrilled with her size, but otherwise doesn't seem depressed or unhappy, just sort of taking it for what it is. She's well-aware of my FAness, but long ago I stopped pressuring her to gain, both overtly and passively in any way. Still, like most men (FAs or not) I don't really hide my feelings very well when it comes to what turns me on, and so perhaps I've been a bit more amorous lately. Alright, I've been a lot more amorous lately.

So here's my dilemma: While she doesn't seem to blame me for her new curves, or begrudge me my angles, I feel like a raving hypocrite lavishing attention on her bigger body while I'm reveling in my smaller one. Does this make sense? I realize men and women get off on different things blah blah blah but inside me is a huge amount of guilt that I can't accept myself the way I want her to accept herself. Also some shame that as a 36 year old, somewhat-accomplished person I should give a shit how fat I am at all.

....On a side note (and though related maybe this is a whole different post), I fucking HATE people complimenting me on losing weight. I'm talking friends, relatives, clients, near-strangers, people in general who have no business talking about my body in any way. I'd like to think I'm some size-acceptance maven who doesn't like it for political reasons, but I'm not, and that's not it. I think what angers me most is the idea that somehow these people were waiting for Tres 2.0 to come out, like version 1 wasn't really good enough. In some cases I've taken the compliments badly, shutting people up by telling them I have AIDS or am getting off heroin or something (except the clients, whom I thank generously), hoping they get the message that this is not acceptable conversation fodder. I realize they're well-meaning, and that most other people accept such compliments gracefully, but I'm really bugged by it. I'm one angry-ass not-so-fat dude.

Last edited by altered states; 12-18-2007 at 04:38 PM.
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Old 12-18-2007, 04:58 PM   #2
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Default Well, if it was due to effort...

on your part, what is so wrong with a compliment? I mean if you tried to lose weight, put effort into losing weight, and lost weight, why do you hate compliments? There's no reason to make somebody feel uncomfortable for being nice by saying you have AIDS.

As far as the difference in your bodies, people may have different aesthetic tastes for their own bodies and their partners. I prefer being smaller and prefer men to be larger. This is not a hard/fast rule, since i can be attracted to skinny men too, but mostly I like a small me and a bigger man.

And no, I don't feel guilty.
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Old 12-18-2007, 06:40 PM   #3
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Well, does she enjoy your thin body? If you both like how your body is, then there's no reason to worry about it.
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Old 12-19-2007, 11:26 AM   #4
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on your part, what is so wrong with a compliment? I mean if you tried to lose weight, put effort into losing weight, and lost weight, why do you hate compliments?
I don't know - I agree it's illogical and hypocritical. I was a chubby kid, and though I somehow managed to avoid many of the usual tortures overweight kids go through, I think there's a lot of anger from my perception of being judged during those years. Like I said, in the back of my mind I had an idea that my fantasy was to be thin, but the reality of it is that what I really wanted was to accept myself as I was, and have the world accept me that way as well. Having to go through hard times (the stress part, not as much the dieting/exercise) to achieve it has made it even more of a bitter "victory."

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There's no reason to make somebody feel uncomfortable for being nice by saying you have AIDS.
I was exaggerating a bit with the AIDS comment - that was only for a couple of people who know me well, and expect such things from me anyway.
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Old 12-19-2007, 11:29 AM   #5
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Well, does she enjoy your thin body? If you both like how your body is, then there's no reason to worry about it.
She does, I believe, though I'm paranoid enough to think there may be a bit of jealousy creeping in which takes away some of the fun. But yeah, ultimately I guess I don't have much to complain about.
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Old 12-19-2007, 11:34 AM   #6
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Default So it's like, what...survivor's guilt?

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I don't know - I agree it's illogical and hypocritical. I was a chubby kid, and though I somehow managed to avoid many of the usual tortures overweight kids go through, I think there's a lot of anger from my perception of being judged during those years. Like I said, in the back of my mind I had an idea that my fantasy was to be thin, but the reality of it is that what I really wanted was to accept myself as I was, and have the world accept me that way as well. Having to go through hard times (the stress part, not as much the dieting/exercise) to achieve it has made it even more of a bitter "victory."



I was exaggerating a bit with the AIDS comment - that was only for a couple of people who know me well, and expect such things from me anyway.
Do you feel guilty that you did not get picked last for sports teams or have rocks thrown at you? And now do you feel guilty that when you put effort into losing weight, you were able to achieve it?

If so, why?
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Old 12-19-2007, 11:36 AM   #7
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I don't like people commenting on my weight either, in whatever direction it goes, but what's the point of responding to a compliment with something designed to offend? We've been conditioned to think that thin is best, and with most people not knowing much if anything about size acceptance they probably think they're paying you a sincere compliment. It's pretty rude to respond to that nicety with snark. Why not take a moment to tell them why you dislike people commenting on your weight instead? Let them know that it's not cool to buy into all the thin is beautiful hype.

But to the original point, my body's changing too, through exercise alone and I'm still not sure what to make of it. Do I like it? Do I dislike it? Will it stay this way? What am I going to do when I'm suddenly attractive to the fat haters?

I have a lot of mixed feelings about my fat and my body, which I still see as two distinct entities. It's all so complicated.
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Old 12-19-2007, 11:48 AM   #8
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Do you feel guilty that you did not get picked last for sports teams or have rocks thrown at you? And now do you feel guilty that when you put effort into losing weight, you were able to achieve it?

If so, why?
Very early on I developed a wicked, nasty sense of humor as armor to protect my tenuous status as perennial 3rd- or 4th fattest kid in class. I often horribly abused numbers 1 and 2 to deflect (and any other weak-seeming kid I could get my hands on) in order to establish my place in the pecking order. THAT I feel guilty about.

And no, I don't feel guilty about losing weight. Though part of it is unearned, part of it is, and overall the better food and exercise has made me feel better than I have in my entire life. Again, I think it's 30+ years of squashing this "fat kid" anger that now has a convenient chance to bubble up in the form of these compliments: "Oh, sure, NOW you tell me I look great. Thanks. And if I get fatter again...?"
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Old 12-19-2007, 12:00 PM   #9
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anger that now has a convenient chance to bubble up in the form of these compliments: "Oh, sure, NOW you tell me I look great. Thanks. And if I get fatter again...?"
Would it make a difference if they said "You look like you lost weight--congratulations!" instead of telling you that you look better?

And by the way, add me to the column of people who don't like the 'you look good, you must have lost weight' type of compliment. My situation is a bit different, but still even if I have lost weight, even if I worked at losing weight...that doesn't mean that I think I look any better, and certainly not a lot better. I guess I just really like relating 'you look good' with any particular size.
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Old 12-19-2007, 12:07 PM   #10
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Default Elephant in the living room.

Why can't we just be honest?

Obviously you think you look better at a smaller size or you would not have tried to be smaller.

You like how you look and feel, or else you would not have tried to lose weight in the first place.

You feel guilty because you revel in being thinner, even as you encourage your partner to be fatter because it turns you on.
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Old 12-19-2007, 12:18 PM   #11
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Default Compliments & Guilt

I know what you mean about getting bombarded with compliments. I have been both thin and fat (which I am now) in my adult life. It's nice to get compliments, but where are those people on a daily basis? They'll only compliment you on the loss. When you are fat, where are they then?

As far as feeling guilty about your partner's body when you want yours completely different, I understand that so well too. I want my body lean and muscular, but my girlfriend's body I like soft, curvy and big. I sometimes encourage her to gain, then feel that same guilt because I don't want that for my body. It's really weird.
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Old 12-19-2007, 12:48 PM   #12
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Why can't we just be honest?

Obviously you think you look better at a smaller size or you would not have tried to be smaller.

You like how you look and feel, or else you would not have tried to lose weight in the first place.

You feel guilty because you revel in being thinner, even as you encourage your partner to be fatter because it turns you on.
So, now you know better than I do what my motivations are and what I feel?

Actually I've tried to lose weight because my wife would probably think I looked better, and also to find physical activities a bit easier to do: I'd love to be fatter if I had a supportive environment for that, but as I don't, I try to be as thin as I can stand being (which is not very).

And no, I'm not encouraging my partner to be fatter. Did do, to some degree, years ago. But I've been supporting her own efforts to eat better, be more active, and lose some weight for years now.

I just don't think size and attractiveness are all that closely linked, and I hate when people seem to treat size as the main criteria of attractiveness. That I'm attracted to some sizes more than others doesn't mean that I can see people of all sizes as attractive.
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Old 12-19-2007, 05:06 PM   #13
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I can identify with this thread, although unlike the OP I am actually at the heaviest I've ever been. I haven't really tried to loose any weight in a while, other than a few sporadic bouts of exercise here and there (long walks, some push-ups and sit ups before bed etc.) I try to eat somewhat sensibly, limiting the amount of take-out and fast food I eat and preparing well balanced home-cooked meals. I still can't help but feel like a bit of a hypocrite; even though I know that I need to put my health and well being above all else, and there is a part of me that really enjoys the look and feel of being slimmer, there is still an even bigger part of me that can't help but be attracted to and gravitate towards fat.

So there's an element of guilt/hypocrisy involved with my feelings towards my own weight, but then it really gets tricky for an FA in regards to his partner's weight. I've always felt that there is something sort of intrinsically hypocritical about fat admiration anyways, particularly when the FA is not fat himself.... Or more accurately perhaps, does not desire to be fat. How does one rectify the notion of not wanting to be fat, yet desiring to have their partner be fat, often times very very fat, possibly even getting fatter? It's a slippery slope indeed, and requires some real maturity and understanding on the part of both people in the FA/BBW (or other such similar acronyms) relationship.

Funny to think though, how much "guilt" there is associated with body image, particularly in regards to fat. Society makes fat people feel guilty for being fat, and makes FAs feel guilty for liking fat. Then on top of all that, once we come to the realization that we are indeed fat admirers, or those of us who have come to a point of self-acceptance and love for our fat, we are made guilty if we want to loose some weight, or want our partners to slim down a bit... as if we now don't love fat enough, or like we have crossed some sort of proverbial line drawn in the sand.

And then of course, as the OP states, there is the guilt tied up in the relationship between the FA who desires a fat partner and doesn't want to be fat himself, and his fat partner who may or may not be comfortable with this arrangement.

Thinking about it logically, there is no real reason why two mature and responsible adults in such a situation can't come to a reasonable agreement about such things. I know that my gf and I have talked about this and there is no guilt or ambivalence between us; we are open and honest about our feelings and desires and we love and care for one another enough to have each others best interest at heart first and foremost. That is important in any relationship, and like in any relationship there are going to be "gray areas" and conflicts that come up. At the end of the day you just got to sit down and try and work it out.

As for the whole "guilt" thing... where does it come from? All this guilt surrounding weight and body image... why can't we just let go of it and be happy with ourselves, our bodies, the way we are and with the people we love?
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Old 12-19-2007, 05:24 PM   #14
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I wouldn't feel guilty. It's something you work towards, just like anything else. Why feel bad that you are enjoying your body? If she doesn't have an issue with it, that's awesome. If she does, she can choose to join you or she can choose not to. I believe if she chooses not to join you, she has no right to complain.

As for feeling self-consous(sp?) about people complimenting you, just take the compliment. That's what I tell everybody. It's better than being called "a skinny picece of shit", right? Besides, nothing pisses me off as much as a person who can't take compliments. A compliment is a few seconds out of someone's day to say something nice.... There ought to be more of them.
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Old 12-20-2007, 12:08 AM   #15
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Well I am planning on making a rather long post about the relationship I am in, but I can make a small mention of it here.

My current girlfriend thinks I am very attractive... I think it is more so, I say this with whatever humility I can muster, because of 3 things: 1, no matter what my weight is my handsome face seems to be unaffected 2, my personality 3, our physical relationship is excellent. I am almost the heaviest I have ever been (275 lbs 6'3, but an athletic 275lbs) and I would really like to commit to better eating and working out to get to 230ish... she has told me though that if I want to diet, she will diet to help support me... and because I am not so sure she is completely happy with gaining back 25 of the 70 lbs she had lost prior to meeting me (I'm very happy with it... and can't wait for the other 45 lbs to come back :-) ) So I am not sure what I should do.... I think, from what I know about her, that she'd enjoy me having a more toned body.... but I don't want her to lose weight.... I'll have to be really coy and subtley encourage her while I subtley lose weight, hehe.


An ex-girlfriend actually commited to eating and being lazy for an hour while I worked out for any hour.... I was 190 lbs after 4 months of this while she had gotten to her high of 170 lbs, what a glorious time that was.


FYI.... at 17 y/o I was 283 lbs, at 18 I was 190 lbs, at 19 I was 230, at 20 I was 260, at 21 I was 240, and now I'm at 275...

I am not a gainer, I do not want to be heavy (I don't mind being bigger if my partner enjoys it though) but I am Italian and food and is my drug... I'm addicted to it... so if I don't work out a lot, the weight can get up on me.

I've always said that if I could date a girl with my appetite I'd not have to try at all to encourage her to get a bigger body.
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Old 12-20-2007, 01:07 PM   #16
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You feel guilty because you revel in being thinner, even as you encourage your partner to be fatter because it turns you on.
Well, yeah. That's exactly what I said.
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Old 12-20-2007, 01:09 PM   #17
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As for the whole "guilt" thing... where does it come from? All this guilt surrounding weight and body image... why can't we just let go of it and be happy with ourselves, our bodies, the way we are and with the people we love?
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Old 12-20-2007, 01:56 PM   #18
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You shouldn't feel guilty just because you like yourself one way and like your partner another.
Really, of course, it shouldn't matter what size anyone is ever, they should simply love themselves no matter how big or small they are, or how often they rollercoaster.
Though I know you know this, and the guilt is there regardless of what you know is logical.
There is no quick kill for guilt, I guess the only advice I can give you is try not to feel guilty because there is nothing to really feel guilty about.
Love yourself regardless of your size, and your partner, and anyone else, it all shouldn't matter.
Though, your dilemma is that you want your partner to gain weight, sort of contradictory to the whole size acceptance at any size dealio.
What can you say?
You are human, you're not perfect.
You enjoy seeing others gain weight, sexually, or just in general you find it beautiful, and you like yourself one way.
I hope I don't sound as though I am talking in circles but it's not that big a deal.
You're you, and you shouldn't feel guilty for it, regardless of how quirky you may be. I know I for one, am a walking pile of quirk.
At the end of the day, we're all quirky, in many different ways.
So, just realize that whenever you feel guilty for how you are, you just can't help it, and feeling bad about it will not help anything out.
Rather than focusing on size acceptance, you might want to just focus on quirk acceptance, you are you, you are not perfect, and there's not much that can be done about it.
But hey, we all are.

I hope there was some sort of helpful nugget of info burried in there.
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Old 12-20-2007, 02:01 PM   #19
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I did have similar thoughts, I did think about if we (Being my gf and I) Broke up.

See, I know she likes thing guys like myself, and I like her bigger. But my problem is, with my selfishness of liking her big, she'd have a harder time meeting new people because they can't see her past the fat. And since she likes thin guys, I try to stay thin to look good for her. I really don't worry about myself when it comes to that, I worry about her. Which is why I am kinda hesitant when it comes to me wanting her to gain. Because when we are done, I just go free. And she is in a body that she either hates or loves.

Other than that, I don't feel guilty for being thin and she being big.
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Old 12-20-2007, 04:00 PM   #20
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I can relate to this OP. I've always been thin, but lately have started working out, too, and have become fairly muscular and more body-aware than I've ever been. I'm dating this girl who's maybe 170ish. Not big, and very well-proportioned, but probably overweight, at least by the numbers.

I've been pretty open about my FAness, as far as admitting to liking her belly, not minding if she gained weight, etc. At the same time, I'm working out, trying to eat right, etc. And frankly, I'm somewhat repulsed by the thought of getting fat myself. There are definitely moments when I feel hypocritical, although, like TH, I'm not sure if it's rational. But I guess rationality doesn't enter into it that much, when you're talking about ingrained preferences like these...
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Old 12-21-2007, 04:03 PM   #21
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Default A different kind of guilt...

The guilt I experienced yesterday came when my girlfriend told me she’d gained more weight. Now, she knows I love her fat and that I don’t really want her to lose weight; but we’ve never really talked about how much the thought of her gaining excites me. So she tells me with a frown that she’s gained and I say “I’m sorry, baby”, when I’m really not. I felt guilty when she says she’s now four pounds away from 350 and I lament with her while I secretly revel in that news. I felt really guilt when she says she feels like this is the next step on the way to 400lbs and I say “No, that’s silly, that’ll never happen” when I’m really thinking “I can’t flippin wait, bring it on”.
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Old 12-21-2007, 05:53 PM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tres huevos View Post
I'd like to think I'm some size-acceptance maven who doesn't like it for political reasons, but I'm not, and that's not it. I think what angers me most is the idea that somehow these people were waiting for Tres 2.0 to come out, like version 1 wasn't really good enough.
And now perhaps you've gotten just a little taste (pun intended) what it's like for ample women of any size to be told constantly by FA's "you're not FAT enough!!!"
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Old 12-23-2007, 11:35 AM   #23
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I know what you guys mean... I'm dont necessarily feel guilty, but I feel a little awkward sometimes. Personally I workout almost everyday, I've always been very athletic. I have been trying to put on weight too BUT its all muscle, sooo its a TOTALLY diffrent situation.. I almost feel like a hypocrite when I love fat girls and they want to get fatter, but Im doing the exact opposite. Its not like I'm in amazing shape but Im not that fat eather... But from working out so much I haved learned A LOT about nutrition, so I know exactly what types of food and at what times you eat them can fatten you up quickly

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Old 12-26-2007, 06:42 PM   #24
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I don't know, I always feel like me...

I've lost weight, gained weight, and maintained. I just suppose for me it is more about the girl than myself. Though I must say some part of me finds the idea of growing large and plush appeals to me. Another part of me finds the idea of being lean, muscled, and extremely strong, agile and powerful to be appealing. Another part of me wants to be just the way I am.

Honestly, however I end up, and however I look, I'd like to be healthy...and happy. Those two, in my mind, are the most important, whatever my weight, size, or shape.
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Old 12-27-2007, 07:47 PM   #25
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I am kind of like Pat. I work out 2x weekly at the gym and surf at least 1x a week. I changed my diet on doctor's advice (had some cholestrol and hypertension issues) -lost about 15lbs. Currently about 5'8, 160lbs. On the flip side, I am a true FA. I like big girls -always did, always will.
Me=try to be pretty athletic and lean
Waht I prefer=bbw/ssbbw
I sometimes feel like a hippocrit, but it's just me and who I am
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