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Old 01-31-2006, 10:48 PM   #1
swamptoad
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Smile humor *smiles*

Subject: Broke Woman

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE
Broke is Broke

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes
of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she
proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his
foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said.
"Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway
carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned
good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning." What
part of broke do you not understand?
__________________________________________________ _____________________

>>> >Warning
>>> >
>>> >I hate it when people post bogus warnings . . . but this one is
>>>real,
>>> >and it's important. So please pay close attention:
>>> >
>>> >If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a
>>>survey
>>> >on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance
>>>around
>>> >with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! IT IS A SCAM; they only want
>>>to see
>>> >you naked.
>>> >
>>> >I wish I'd gotten this email yesterday; I feel so stupid . . .
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Old 02-01-2006, 11:46 AM   #2
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Default Joker!

Your warning really made me laugh!
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Old 02-01-2006, 11:48 AM   #3
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Default Snort, snicker, dance naked!

Again, where did that come from, I like it though, I really do!
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Old 02-02-2006, 11:32 PM   #4
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Default

THIS IS SOME GOOD ADVICE! *cute and humorous*

If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be

pure ecstasy.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout!

run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want what lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them

gently.
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Old 02-02-2006, 11:35 PM   #5
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Default Re: Humor

Hello, I am Nijerian Royilty. And I want you to send me money. Nevermind the fact that I can't spell Nijerian. Or Royilty.
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Old 02-09-2006, 11:41 PM   #6
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Default

I've got a problem.




It's going to take me a little longer to answer my E-mails now....


HELLO!


image6.jpg


__________________________________________________ ______

ZEN AND THE WISDOM OF LIFE

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

3. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

4. No one is listening until you fart.

5. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

6. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.

7. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

8. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

9. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was worth it.

10. Don't worry--It only seems kinky the first time.

11. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

12. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.

13. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

14. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

__________________________________________________ ___________


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\ll

l

l BUD LIGHT ll'''''l''''\____,

l___________ll__l__l)l__l

(@)'''''''''''''''''''''(@)(@)''''''''''(@)



REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK.....



It's an incentive to show up.



It leads to more honest communications.



It reduces complaints about salary.



Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.



It encourages car pooling.



It increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.



It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.



It makes fellow employees look better.



Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.



Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.



Employees work later sonce there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.



It makes everyone more open with their ideas.



It eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.



Sitting "Bare - ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross.
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Old 02-10-2006, 04:17 AM   #7
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Default

HOW TO ARGUE EFFECTIVELY

(by Dave Barry)

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:


*Drink liquor.
Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.


*Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you'll be damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say instead: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level." NOTE: Always make up exact figures. If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom."


*Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.
Memorize this list:

-Let me put it this way
-In terms of
-Vis-a-vis
-Per se
-As it were
-Qua
-So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.", "e.g.", and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you don't." Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money." You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D." Only a fool would challenge that statement.


*Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:
You're begging the question...
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples to oranges.
What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means. Don't forget the classic: YOU'RE SO LINEAR.

Here's how to use your comebacks:

You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.
You say: You're begging the question.
You say: Liberians, like most Asians...
Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.
You say: You're being defensive.


*Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say," or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."

So that's it. You now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons.
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Old 02-11-2006, 03:26 AM   #8
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Talking

WRONG EMAIL! (Funny...)

A lesson to be learned from one typing the wrong email address!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send email s to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

__________________________________________________ __________-

Cowboy Boots
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Did you hear about the Montana teacher who was helping
>>>
>>> one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?
>>>
>>> He asked for help & she could see why.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Even with her pulling & him pushing, the little boots
>>>still
>>>
>>> didn't want to go on. Finally, when the 2nd boot was on,
>>>
>>> she had worked up a sweat.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher,
>>>they're on the wrong feet." She looked & sure enough,
>>>
>>> they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than
>>>
>>> it was putting them on. She managed to keep her
>>>
>>> cool as together they worked to get the boots back on,
>>>
>>> this time on the right feet.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face &
>>>
>>> scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And,
>>>once
>>>
>>> again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots
>>>off
>>>
>>> his little feet. No sooner they got the boots off & he
>>>said,
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she
>>>
>>> mustered up the grace & courage she had left to wrestle
>>>
>>> the boots on his feet again.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your
>>>
>>> mittens?"
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
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Old 02-11-2006, 08:11 AM   #9
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Default

I have gone out to look for me
If I should get back before I return
Please hold me until I get here
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Old 02-14-2006, 09:51 PM   #10
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Default

I know that I posted this once before...but I just wanted to add it to the the "HUMOR" Thread.

Here ya go:

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of

>>her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers

>>the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Jenny, and you are losing

>>some of your load!"

>>

>>The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops

>>for another red light, the girl

>>catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door

>> ;and, again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken,

>>the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Jenny, and you are losing some

>>of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and

>>continues down the street.

>>

>>At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath,

>>the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.The

>>trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Jenny, and you

>>are losing some of your load!"

>>

>>

>>When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next

>>light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and

>>runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window a nd, as she lowers it,

>>he

>>says. "Hi, my name is Bruce, its winter in North Dakota and I'm driving

>>the SALT TRUCK!"

__________________________________________________ ________________


p.s. I like what you wrote BBWBetty. *hehehe*
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Old 02-20-2006, 01:47 PM   #11
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Default more humor *smiles*

A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a
>>>woman
>>> >>>sitting by
>>> >>> > > >herself.
>>> >>> > > >
>>> >>> > > >Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
>>> >>> > > >
>>> >>> > > >Lady: "No thank you; alcohol is bad for my legs."
>>> >>> > > >
>>> >>> > > >Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
>>> >>> > > >
>>> >>> > > >Lady: "No, they open.

__________________________________________________ __________

SO, HOW DID YOU BREAK YOUR ARM?

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humour of the
slopes as written by a New Orleans paper:

A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip in Utah with the kind of
story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart.

Conditions were perfect...12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness
all over...the "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in
dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there
was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room, but
of course there wasn't one, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had
nature hit its panic button, and a temperature of 12 below doesn't help
matters. With time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband,
picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was
wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one
would even notice. He assured her, "The white will provide more than
adequate camouflage."

So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and
proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope,
then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you
don't move. Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep
slopes are not forgiving...even during the most embarrassing moments.
Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control,
racing through the trees...somehow missing all of them and onto another
slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down
around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued
backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other
skiers. The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently
with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull
up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her
nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a
hospital.

While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was
put in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked,
making small talk. "It was the stupidest thing you ever saw," he said. "I
was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn't believe my eyes! There
was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain with
her bare bootom hanging out. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out
of the lift.

" ...... "So, how'd you break your arm?"

__________________________________________________ _______________

>> Your dinner party has just
>>finished.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Everyone has had an enjoyable meal.
>>
>>Coffee is gently steaming in the cups.
>>
>>Your parents are there.
>>
>>Your in-laws are there.
>>
>>Your boss and his wife are there.
>>
>>You are all settling down to a nice, relaxing evening, chatting.
>>
>>Then in walks the dog ...

http://photobucket.com/albums/e124/s...t=1d08c146.jpg
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Old 02-20-2006, 01:47 PM   #12
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Default more humor *smiles*

*ack* posted twice by mistake.
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Old 02-22-2006, 08:49 AM   #13
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Smile humor :-)

A 5 year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while she was dusting, he looked up and said "grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that grandpas in heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good, and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible! She started banging it, adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture to focus. Frustrated, she began hitting the back side of the TV to try fix the problem.
The little boy heard the door bell ring and went to answer it. It was grandmas minister. "Hello son, is your grandma home?" The little boy replied, "yeah, shes in the bedroom bangin her boyfriend." The minister fainted.

__________________________________________________ ________

>> >>>THE MIRACLE OF TOILET
>>PAPER
>> >>>
>> >>>Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror
>>complaining
>> >>>to my
>> >>>husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of
>> >>>characteristically
>> >>>telling
>> >>>me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
>> >>>suggestion. "If
>> >>>you
>> >>>want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
>>toilet
>> >>>paper and
>> >>>rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try
>>anything,
>> >>>I fetch a
>> >>>piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing
>>it
>> >>>between
>> >>>my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked "They will grow
>> >>>larger over
>> >>>a period of years," my husband replies. I
>>stopped. "Do you really
>> >>>think
>> >>>rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day
>>will
>> >>>make my
>> >>>breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says
>> >>>"Worked for
>> >>>your butt, didn't it?" He's still alive, and with a great deal
>>of
>> >>>therapy,
>> >>>he may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man.

__________________________________________________ _______________


Olny srmat poelpe can.


cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you
can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!


if you can raed tihs psas it on !!
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Old 02-26-2006, 09:35 PM   #14
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Talking

Hamster Story

>>>>>Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
>>>>"something
>>>>>wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his
>>>>>room. "He's
>>>>>just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,
>>>>> Dad. Can you help?"
>>>>>
>>>>> I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed
>>>>>him into
>>>>his
>>>>>bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back,
>>>>>looking
>>>>>stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called,
>>>>>"come look at
>>>>>the hamster!"
>>>>>
>>>>> Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
>>>>>babies."
>>>>>
>>>>> "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie,
>>>>>Mom!"
>>>>>
>>>>> I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we
>>>>>said we
>>>>didn't
>>>>>want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
>>>>>
>>>>> "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,?"
>>>>>she
>>>>>inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
>>>>>
>>>>> "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her,
>>>>>(in my most
>>>>>loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
>>>>>
>>>>> "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
>>>>>
>>>>> "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know,"
>>>>>she
>>>>informed
>>>>>me. (Again with the sarcasm, y's think?) By now the rest of the
>>>>>family had
>>>>>gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to
>>>>>make the best
>>>>>of it.
>>>>>
>>>>> "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.
>>>>>"We're
>>>>about
>>>>>to witness the miracle of birth." "OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
>>>>>
>>>>> "Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we going to do with a
>>>>>litter of
>>>>>tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really
>>>>>do think
>>>>she
>>>>>was being snotty here, too. don't you?) We peered at the
>>>>>patient.
>>>>>
>>>>> After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would
>>>>>appear briefly,
>>>>>vanishing a scant second later.
>>>>>
>>>>> "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
>>>>>
>>>>> "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
>>>>>
>>>>> "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
>>>>>
>>>>> "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot
>>>>>when it next
>>>>>appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried
>>>>>several more
>>>>>times with the same results.
>>>>>
>>>>> "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe
>>>>>they could
>>>>>talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
>>>>>females in
>>>>my
>>>>>house?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to
>>>>>the vet
>>>>>with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie,
>>>>>breathe," he
>>>>urged.
>>>>>"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
>>>>>(Women can be
>>>>>so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one
>>>>>thing, but
>>>>>this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
>>>>>
>>>>> The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at
>>>>>the little
>>>>>animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a
>>>>>c-section?"
>>>>I
>>>>>suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured.
>>>>>"Mr. and
>>>>Mrs.
>>>>>Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped,
>>>>>nodding for
>>>>>my son to step outside.
>>>>>
>>>>> "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
>>>>>
>>>>> Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in
>>>>>labor. In
>>>>fact,
>>>>>that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
>>>>>
>>>>> "What!?"
>>>>>
>>>>> "You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they
>>>>>come into
>>>>>maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate.
>>>>>Just the
>>>>>way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
>>>>>
>>>>> "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.. Cameron." We were
>>>>>silent, absorbing
>>>>>this.
>>>>>
>>>>> "So Ernie's just...just...Excited?", my wife offered.
>>>>>
>>>>> "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
>>>>>
>>>>> More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle.
>>>>>And giggle.
>>>>>And then even laugh loudly.
>>>>>
>>>>> "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that
>>>>>the woman
>>>>I
>>>>>married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
>>>>>manliness. Tears
>>>>>were now running down her face.
>>>>>
>>>>> "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its...
>>>>>its...teeny
>>>>>little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
>>>>>more.
>>>>>
>>>>> "That's enough," I warned.
>>>>>
>>>>> We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters
>>>>>and our
>>>>son
>>>>>back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
>>>>>
>>>>> "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he
>>>>>told me.
>>>>>
>>>>> "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with
>>>>>laughter.
>>>>>
>>>>> 2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
>>>>> 1 - Cage - 20 bucks
>>>>> Trip to the Vet ...30 bucks...
>>>>> Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's
>>>>> wacker ....Priceless!
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Old 03-10-2006, 07:40 AM   #15
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Pick-up Line Rebuttals
(from: World's Best Jokes & Humor)

Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.

Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

Man: Your hair color is fabulous.
Woman: Thank you. It's on aisle three at the
supermarket down the street.

Man: You look like a dream.
Woman: Go back to sleep.

Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: Yes, I want you to leave.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to your place, and I'll go to mine.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

Man: Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there any more
.
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Old 03-12-2006, 09:09 PM   #16
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>I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I
>>noticed an
>>old
>> >man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had
>>spiked hair
>> >in all different colors, green, red, orange and blue. The old
>>man kept
>> >staring at him.
>> >
>> >The teenager would look away and then back at the old man and
>>each time he
>> >caught the old man staring at him. When the teenager had had
>>enough, he
>> >sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man ... never done
>>anything
>> >wild in your life?"
>> >
>> >The old man did not bat an eye in his response ... "Got drunk
>>once and had
>> >sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

__________________________________________________ ____________


WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE

Broke is Broke

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes
of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she
proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his
foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said.
"Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway
carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned
good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning." What
part of broke do you not understand?

__________________________________________________ ______
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Old 03-12-2006, 09:43 PM   #17
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The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going"?

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

***********************************************

Barbara Walters of 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.

She returned to Kabul recently and observed that women still walk behind their husbands, but now seem to walk even further back and are happy with the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you used to try and change?"

"Land mines," said the woman.
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Old 03-15-2006, 01:33 PM   #18
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Default So much of this, is sooooooooooo true!!!!.....:)

Why I owe my mother...

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12 My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have<BR>wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
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Old 03-15-2006, 03:23 PM   #19
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These are even funnier if you ever watched this show "back in the day".


ORIGINAL HOLLYWOOD SQUARES RESPONSES

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo magazine, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hand while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.
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Old 03-21-2006, 11:39 PM   #20
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Default This would be MY luck.....:)

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near-death experience.

Seeing God, she asked, "Am I dead?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her
hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, he was struck and killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?"




God replied, "I didn't recognize you!"
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Old 03-22-2006, 12:47 AM   #21
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hahahahaha some of these are Beautiful

DO YOU KNOW JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,
"You don't know Jack Schitt!"

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts,
you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.'
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Miss O. Needeep.
They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
The deeply religious couple produced six children:
Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt,
and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections,
Deap Schitt married her cousin Dumb Schitt,
a high school dropout. After being married 15 years,
Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock,
and, because her kids were living with them,
she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,
and they produced a son with a rather nervous
disposition named Chick N. Schitt. Two of the other six children,
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and
subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg,
Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son,
left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.
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So Intricate
She has a heart you won't forget
But love is her prerequisite
If you want her soul
Cause she's so delicate"
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My Website

My Space

And I just HAVE to add :D
GO FLAMES GO!!!
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Old 03-22-2006, 02:23 PM   #22
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Default An Oldie but a Goodie!!

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely"......




"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
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Old 03-24-2006, 11:53 AM   #23
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>> How to treat a woman:

>> Wine her.
>> Dine her.
>> Call her.
>> Hold her.
>> Surprise her.
>> Compliment her.
>> Smile at her.
>> Listen to her.
>> Laugh with her.
>> Cry with her.
>> Romance her.
>> Encourage her.
>> Believe in her.
>> Pray with her.
>> Pray for her.
>> Cuddle with her.
>> Shop with her.
>> Give her jewelry.
>> Buy her flowers.
>> Hold her hand.
>> Write love letters to her.
>> Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> How To Treat a Man:

>> Show up naked.
>> Bring chicken wings.
>> Don't block the TV

That was pretty funny, Tiger's Lily *doh*

hehehe
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Old 04-04-2006, 11:43 PM   #24
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My wife sent this to me through e-mail.

Subject: Interesting Study
>>
>>WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
>>
>> > There is a new study out about women and how they feel about
>>their
>> > asses! I thought the results were pretty interesting:
>>
>> > 85% of women think their ass is too fat;
>>
>> > 10% of women think their ass is too skinny;
>>
>> > The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a
>>good
>> > man, and they would have married him anyway.
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Old 04-05-2006, 02:05 PM   #25
Tiger's_Lily
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Tiger's_Lily does more than just post hot picsTiger's_Lily does more than just post hot picsTiger's_Lily does more than just post hot picsTiger's_Lily does more than just post hot pics
Default The tale of three bunnies!

Once apon a time three bunnies moved into a house together.

Their names were, Foot, Foot Foot and Foot Foot Foot.

One day Foot felt quit ill, so Foot Foot Foot called the bunny doctor who prescribed a 'cure all' medication. Well, Foot took the medicine and died....

The next day, Foot Foot started feeling ill as well. So Foot Foot Foot called the bunny doctor, who once again prescribed the same medicine he gave Foot.

This angered Foot Foot Foot who said to the bunny doctor, "I'm not in favour of Foot Foot taking this medicine as we've...........already got 'one Foot' in the grave....*boom boom!*.....
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