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Old 02-24-2008, 07:39 AM   #1
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Default girlfriends weight gain story and recent issues

I posted the below post on curvage and have not gotten much feed back. So I have decided to bring it here. Everything I need to say is in the post so I just paste it below. If this is not the right place for this type of post please move it to where it belongs. I apologize for the lengh.

I have been dating my girlfriend for almost 4 years now. Over this time she has been gaining weight, partly for me and partly it just happens. We met freshman year in college, and what caught my attention about her, other then she was pretty, and fun to be around was the affect of the freshmn 15 on her. At this time she was very open about "how fat she got and needs to lose weight" to quote her. This was a little different then she was at the begining of the year always talking about going to the gym and having people poke her stomachs hard abs. She was always a big eater and would brag about being able to eat what she wants and never gain weight.

We started to date at the end of freshman year. Sophmore year after gaining a little over the summer she was a little depressed and self conscious about her weight. This is when I first kind of came out about my feelings towards weight gain and larger women, telling her I thought she was pretty and liked a girl with little meat on their bones. She stopped obsessing about the gym, and her gym visits slowing decreased to 0 to 1 time a week by the end of sophmore year. Her appatite did not decrease and she gaining another 15 pounds by the end of sophmore year. This is where she might have had a little help with the weight gain, from me and her roomates. I always made sure she had a full meal when we went out and frequent trips to get icecream at night. Her roomates were obsessed that she was gaining weight, no longer thin and perfect acording to one that I later talked to about her weight later. They knew she was a big eater and snacker so the kept food around and on her desk. Also when she gets drunk she can eat nonstops it seems( I have been amazed by this a couple of time). So when she went out with ther roomates they would order pizza in afterwards, and it was not uncommon for my gf to eat half a pizza herself.

Now at the end of sophmore year weighing aound 150 lbs(She started college around 115 and is 5ft 3 inches tall to give u a visual), she started to complain and get depressed about her weight again. I was and still am totally in love with her, and the weight gain was an added bonus in my mind, however I didn't want her to be unhappy or unhealhty. I discovered this forum freshman year and have been a lurker since offering the rare ocassional post. I knew I liked larger women then she was and weight gain, but decided to talk to one of her roomates about her weight gain, and how I can help her maybe lose some weight. This is when I learned about the roomates doings. Instead I decided to totally come out with my gf about liking larger women and showed her this forum.

This was a huge gamble that worked out. She kinda could tell I liked her added weight which was partially why she didn't try hard to lose it. Since then she has continued to gain weight. I never force her to eat, I just make sure there is plenty of food available, and she has let me stuff her on the fair ocassion. I have helped her lose weight from time to time when she is unhappy with how she looks. This usually occurs right before the summer for swim suit season. Like I said i am lucky to be in this relationship, love her more then for her weight and altimatly want her to be happy. I guess you can say lucky for me she has always gained back the weight she lost and then some.

I was going to write this in response to michellebabes post "questions on friends". because recenlty comments from friends and family have gotten her to be more self conscious about her weight then usuall. Alot of her friends are starting to get married and she is getting fitted for bridal party dresses. In Oct she had to lose weight fast to fit back into a dress that was already fitted for her. This was after already losing weight so she didn't feel so "fat" around her friends. She weighed around 165 for the wedding at the begining of Oct, to fit in the dress. Her friends kind of nagged her about watching what she ate and losing some of the weight she has gained in and after college. We moved in with each other in Sept. and other then having to re-lose weight for the dress has been gaining weight quickly. In resoponse to weighing herself last weekend at 188 she said since moving in with me she does not feel she has to be self conscious about eating alot like she started to feel at college or when she lived with her parents after gaining weight.

So currently my girlfriend is at her heaviest weighing somewhere in the mid to upper 180's. Most of the clothes she wore before losing weight for the Oct wedding, do not or barely fit her. She did not say anything about losing weight after weighing herself last weekend like I thought she would so I figured everthing was ok. However I was wrong. Today she went to get fitted for a bridal party dress for one of her friends wedding comming up this summer. Most of the bridal party is the same as the one from the Oct wedding. Her additional weight did not go unnoticed by her friends or the friends mothers that were there. She came home very upset, crying about how "fat" she has gotten, that its my fault, and se will never be able to lose the weight because she is out of shape and has gotten used to eating alot.

She left to go out to dinner with her friends from the bridal party and that is when I started typing. I felt i needed to give the whole story as a means of trying to make me feel it is not totally my fault she is not the weight she was at the start of college even though I feel I am to blame. And is respoce to michellebabe's post about friends, I have a feeling if her friends were a little nicer, or there was no wedding to dress for she would not have a care about her weight. Asso this about got me thinking about her health and I am feeling increasing guilty about her weigh gain.

Sorry for the long post, I needed to get if off my chest and hear some advice from you guys.
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Old 02-24-2008, 08:11 AM   #2
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Ive had girlfriends gain a bit of weight and get upset which sux coz its what u want but have to put there happyness 1st which u seem to want to do. Uve laid ur feelings bare and are willing to help her lose weight even tho its not what ud like, dont feel bad dude
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Old 02-24-2008, 09:55 AM   #3
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It sounds to me like you were completely honest with your girlfriend, and have supported all of her weight gain and loss decisions. If you never forced her to eat, then she made the choice to do so. Just because you made sure there was food in the house, doesn't mean it was your "fault" that she gained. Something in her wanted to do it, or she wouldn't have.

Unfortunately, this isn't completely uncommon. Its hard not to cave to social pressures-- especially when fat is the last acceptable prejudice. People are so blatantly rude about weight gain, its really difficult to ignore their scathing comments.

I hope your girlfriend will come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter what you weigh or how much plastic surgery you've had-- no one ever measures up to the social ideal we have in this culture.

Good luck to you. You haven't done anything wrong, and so long as you stick to the principals of honesty and allowing free will, you aren't damaging anyone.
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Old 02-24-2008, 11:57 AM   #4
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This may be the only one of these "my partner gained weight and I like it but she's unhappy" posts that comes across as balanced and mature.

I have to echo that you did nothing wrong. You were honest about being into fat girls and were honest about how her gaining was appealing to you. You may have kept stuff around the house, but she chose to put it in her mouth. Unless you didn't post this, it does not sound as if you prevented her from exercising or eating more healthfully.

From what you've posted, it sounds as if the added weight really does not bother her except for when others comment on it. So as far as I can tell, it's up to her to decide what she wants to do. You've said you love her with or without the fat, it does not sound like a deal breaker. She needs to take responsibility for her own body, her own food choices, and how she's going to deal with her friends and family.
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Old 02-24-2008, 06:50 PM   #5
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I have to agree with the above posts. This isn't your fault. The fact that she is unhappy is the fault of those around her and society at large. It's also not your fault that she's at the weight she is. Your girlfriend chose to gain even though you kept food around your house. You shouldn't blame yourself.

There is a bright side to this story. Now that her friends are getting married, they'll probably get wrapped up in their own lives and drift apart.
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Old 02-24-2008, 06:55 PM   #6
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you guys can always just find confident bbws who don't mind the extra weight.

you are, afterall, on a message board where such women post.
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Old 02-24-2008, 10:30 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by cluelessbf View Post
I never force her to eat...
I have helped her lose weight
I think you're giving yourself too much credit in this scenario that you've drawn here. How could you force anyone to eat without breaking the law?

What she eats is her choice. Whether or not she gets fatter on a certain diet may be slightly less in her control, as diets are not good predictors of weight. I eat a very healthful diet with moderate caloric intake, but I have not lost even one lb in the fifteen years since I changed the way I eat. I have, on the other hand, gained weight during times of stress and change. Weight gain is a personal, often complex issue, both physiologically and psychologically.

What are you hoping to gain by posting your story here? Do you need your guilt assuaged? Maybe this is not the right place to work that out. Do you have specific questions about how to talk to your gf about this? What kind of feedback are you looking for, exactly?
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Old 02-24-2008, 11:48 PM   #8
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you guys can always just find confident bbws who don't mind the extra weight.

you are, afterall, on a message board where such women post.
Hear, here.
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Old 02-25-2008, 02:36 AM   #9
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People who are still maturing and not ready to accept responsibility for the consequences of their own decisions like to play the blame game. Its called "its not my fault, I'm just a victim." You may have had a supporting, even encouraging, role but the decision and responsibility to eat as she enjoys was and is entirely hers.

Now the $64 question - beyond weight and eating, what do the two of you have in common? What if anything do you plan to share for the rest of your lives? If you have positive answers to these questions then I suggest you refocus her attention on these areas while offering to be as supportive as she wants you to be relative to her weight desires. She need t know that, unlike her other friends, you are an acknowledged admirer, not a self-appointed critic.
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Old 02-25-2008, 03:05 PM   #10
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I am honestly not too sure why I decided to post on curvage to begin with. There was a thread started a couple days before this happened on how friends view your weight gain. This first got me thinking about how my girlfriend feels about her weight around friends and family. She is not huge by any means, but as gained a noticible amount of weight given that she was thin before gaining the weight. I guess after my girlfriend went off on me about her weight, I was confused and just started to type all the thoughts that were in my head. I really can't talk to any of our friends about it so i just vented and got all my thoughts out.

I guess in I am wondering if I am in the wrong. I don't think I am but feel if she never met me she would not have gained weight. Like I said there have been times where she has been self conscious about were weight and asked me to help her lose weight. I go for walks / jogs with her and stoping asking if she wants an appitizer with dinner or if she would like me to scoop her out a bowl of icecream. However she usually slowly stops going for walks and starts ordering the appitizer herself or scoops her own icecream. Its just that after the other night when she was very upset made me see that maybe she is not totally happy with her weight. She has never expressed herself in the way she did the other night. I can only assume she was upset because of how her friends reacted to her weight.

Also what has me also confused when she came back that night from dinner with her friends she didn't mention the earlier "fight" at all. She was a little drunk and looked like she had just finished a huge meal. Since then she has not mentioned the "fight" and has been eating like she usually does (when she is not trying to lose weight). If she continues with this she will definitaly gain weight by the wedding at the end of June. Since she obviously seemed upset about her weight the other day should I bring it up, and if so how. She knows I love her no matter what she weighs, and will help her lose weight if she wants, so then why if she was so upset about her weight the other day has she not broung it up again or asked me to help her lose weight for the wedding like she did for the Oct wedding?
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Old 02-26-2008, 05:45 AM   #11
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Hear, here.
it's just a pet peeve of mine that for many this board is nothing but a source of free porn and maybe a few ~yahoo chats~ before they sneak back into bed without waking up their thin wife.

i don't really care if i sound bitter, w/e, nothing bums me out than a perfectly good waste-of-an-FA dating a thin chick. sure, your personalities may totally click but when that runs out, good luck trying to fatten her up and having her feel good about it.
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Old 02-26-2008, 06:40 AM   #12
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Back to the original topic - the perplexity of the OP.

Have you ever read the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?"

The point it makes may sound stereotypical, but it does have merit. The two genders think differently. If a man perceives a problem, either by seeing or hearing of it, he tends to slip into "fix it mode." After all, aren't we the protectors and providers? We come up with an X point analytical plan to resolve the "problem," assuming this is what is expected of us.

In some areas, such as our jobs, this problem-solving approach is a good thing. But in dealing with women we have to be careful. Most women are really pretty good problem solvers in their own right - their verbalization of a problem doesn't necessarily mean a distress call for us to attack the problem and save them. What they sometimes really want is empathy and reassurance. This is why we have to be careful to understand the nuances.

Your g/f's current behavior regarding her weight sounds like she is really resolving her own problem. Inside she knows you're neither the cause or the answer and she's not looking to have it "fixed" by you. What she is doing I think is wrestling with her peers and herself. Your job is to be a supportive rock, not a player in this battle. I've already suggested you emphasize the non-weight related strong points of your relationship to divert and minimize her trauma, but to expect Martian-style logic when her Venus feelings are involved won't work.
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Old 02-26-2008, 06:18 PM   #13
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If she hasn't brought it up than she probably doesn't want to talk about it. Perhaps you could gently bring the topic up and she how she reacts?
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Old 02-27-2008, 08:52 AM   #14
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you guys can always just find confident bbws who don't mind the extra weight.

you are, afterall, on a message board where such women post.
REALLY? Who knew
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Old 02-27-2008, 09:11 AM   #15
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i mean why don't you just listen to your sexual preferences I've heard alot of stories about unhappy FAs because they married a thin woman instead of what they really thought was beautiful.

then this wouldnt even be an issue
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Old 02-27-2008, 09:20 AM   #16
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I think he knows his preferences and is listening to them just fine.

This is not a matter of ignoring them because she's thin and not his type.

This is a matter of how to understand and deal with someone you are already attracted to and love but who sends mixed messagers because of pressures from other sources. It happens in many areas of relationships, not just weight.
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Old 02-27-2008, 09:37 AM   #17
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OP, i'm wondering if you can't just take yourself out of your GFs food equation altogether. If you don't offer to take her out for or scoop her ice cream at home, she can still eat ice cream, but then YOU are not involved in that in any way shape or form. It may seem a bit artificial but I think it's worth a shot. I don't know what your GF wants or how she makes her decisions, but clearly, you're feeling somehow implicated or involved with those decisions, so a great first step is telling her that, and removing yourself (in a convivial--no pun intended!) way. I have no doubt you love your GF, but something I've noticed 'round these parts is that many FAs don't go for the fat-confident partner, they go for a partner for whom fat is a daily.... thing (up thing, down thing, whatever) b/c it's exciting in some ways. A challenge. It keeps that elusive 'chase' factor going in a relationship. It allows the FA some measure of control, in some way. Being aware of that concept is important too, I think.
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Old 02-27-2008, 10:08 AM   #18
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i mean why don't you just listen to your sexual preferences I've heard alot of stories about unhappy FAs because they married a thin woman instead of what they really thought was beautiful.

then this wouldnt even be an issue
U cant help who u fall in love with tho, and i dont know about him but im still attracted to some thin girls allthogh i far prefer fat 1's.
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Old 02-27-2008, 12:54 PM   #19
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In all honesty, possibly (at most) a hand full of people have love figured out. For the rest of us, it's like a giant dart board game with a tiny bullseye. We throw our dart and sometimes we get close to the bullseye and find a peson who matches the personilty but not the body, or vis versa. Then every now and then we screw up and throw too early and hit the very far outer edge. These relationships are the wrost.

Now the question is, "Do I take the dart out and throw it again and hope for better? Or do I leave it in and be happy with the results?"

I'll leave my input at that.
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Old 02-27-2008, 01:12 PM   #20
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^ I think it's all our own choosing whether we figure it out or not.

Troubadours makes an outstanding point. Boxer, you may not be able to choose who you fall in love with, but a marriage is about picking someone who's going to work for you long term. That may mean you have to say, "Being fat or gaining weight is very important to my sexuality. Could you possibly gain weight?" If there's a lot of hesitation, LEAVE. I had my own choice once where I realized asking the person to compromise wouldn't work. Does it mean there will be no heartache? Don't be stupid, but it's necessary.
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Old 02-27-2008, 01:43 PM   #21
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I dunno, maybe it's just me...but yes first and foremost the one thing that will attract me to a guy is his size. I love big guys, always have, always will.

However, when my guy expresses he wants to lose weight, because he's uncomfortable at his size, I do my damnedest to help him reach a level where he's comfortable. If he ended up losing a whole lot and completely looked different than when we met. I'd be ok with that. I've dated a guy like that. Before I met him he had lost 100 lbs or so and while we dated he lost an additional 30-40. There were other reasons why the relationship ended, having nothing to do with his size.

While I prefer fat guys, it's not the end all be all.

Yes they excite me more, but the real way to excite me, no matter what, is a mental connection. And being with a partner who is happy with themselves.

Right now I absolutely love my guy. We are planning our future together. We've been living together for over a year now. He's my best friend and connects with me on so many levels. I have to admit I'm not 100% rah rah cheerleading behind his wanting to lose weight, but I am there to support him. The physical is under constant changes. The physical fluctuates all the time. I know him on the inside, and inside his body, (which I adore) is a man who is absolutely beautiful and caring and I can't imagine my life without.
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Old 02-27-2008, 08:33 PM   #22
troubadours
 
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troubadours has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!troubadours has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!troubadours has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!troubadours has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!troubadours has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!troubadours has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!troubadours has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!troubadours has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!troubadours has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!troubadours has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!troubadours has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!
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REALLY? Who knew
honestly? apparently A LOT of dudes who like to come here and complain that their "accidently-gained-weight" girlfriends DON'T actually like the weight to a bunch of single, confident women who wish they had someone to appreciate their bodies.

so if you're going to be sarcastic, just try looking through old threads. place yourself in any one of us girls' shoes. it's not a fun place to be. poor in-the-closet FAs who can only turn to the internet for comfort. i feel for you.
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Old 02-27-2008, 09:11 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by troubadours View Post
honestly? apparently A LOT of dudes who like to come here and complain that their "accidently-gained-weight" girlfriends DON'T actually like the weight to a bunch of single, confident women who wish they had someone to appreciate their bodies.

so if you're going to be sarcastic, just try looking through old threads. place yourself in any one of us girls' shoes. it's not a fun place to be. poor in-the-closet FAs who can only turn to the internet for comfort. i feel for you.
You make an excellent point, and I must say that living a life in the closet is not living at all. There's no freedom, no room to move around, nothing in there to do. At first it may be hard to open the door and come out and your eyes will hurt for a second cause you haven't seen the light, but that first few seconds will be worth the many years to come.
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Old 02-28-2008, 05:07 AM   #24
LoveBHMS
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LoveBHMS keeps pushing the rep limit!LoveBHMS keeps pushing the rep limit!LoveBHMS keeps pushing the rep limit!LoveBHMS keeps pushing the rep limit!LoveBHMS keeps pushing the rep limit!LoveBHMS keeps pushing the rep limit!LoveBHMS keeps pushing the rep limit!LoveBHMS keeps pushing the rep limit!LoveBHMS keeps pushing the rep limit!LoveBHMS keeps pushing the rep limit!LoveBHMS keeps pushing the rep limit!
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You make an excellent point, and I must say that living a life in the closet is not living at all. There's no freedom, no room to move around, nothing in there to do. At first it may be hard to open the door and come out and your eyes will hurt for a second cause you haven't seen the light, but that first few seconds will be worth the many years to come.
Yeah, but he's not living in the closet. He's already told her he likes fat girls. It's not like he's going out with a smaller girl wishing she'd get bigger or always staring at fat girls in public or in magazines.

He's also already said he loves his GF and while he prefers a fat girl, he does not sound as if he's so hardcore that there will be some big missing piece of the relationship if she loses weight. This isn't one of those threads where the OP should get a dozen responses like "You have to break up with her and date a fat girl because it's the only way you'll be happy."

It seems fair to say there is something of a FA continuum, with most being along the lines of what BlueEyedBanshee has stated, meaning "I like larger men but it's not the most important aspect of attraction." Some guys may be too strong as to simply be unable to get aroused without a SSBBW. On the other end, some may think fat girls are hot, but be able to be aroused by women of different sizes.
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Old 02-28-2008, 07:31 AM   #25
Tooz
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Originally Posted by troubadours View Post
honestly? apparently A LOT of dudes who like to come here and complain that their "accidently-gained-weight" girlfriends DON'T actually like the weight to a bunch of single, confident women who wish they had someone to appreciate their bodies.

so if you're going to be sarcastic, just try looking through old threads. place yourself in any one of us girls' shoes. it's not a fun place to be. poor in-the-closet FAs who can only turn to the internet for comfort. i feel for you.
I love you.
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