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Old 03-06-2008, 11:32 PM   #1
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Default Why do guys choose to date thin(ner) women and then complain about it?

(I don't know if this is in the right place, mods, so you might want to move it.)




There are regularly threads about men who are dating a woman and are unfulfilled (or downright unhappy) by her size. I'm kinda confused about this. I know there are millions of fat women in the world who would like a boyfriend, and yet they choose a thin(ner) woman to date, and then are unhappy.

I've been thinking about it and this is what I've come down to:

1. He likes the lifestyle a thin(ner) woman has...the ability to do more things, go more places, have less need for any special accommodations. She fits into his life better, without him even realizing it.

2. He's fallen into the PC kind of SA thinking that he's "attracted to all sizes and shapes".

3. Fat(ter) women are separate...not really a part of his social sphere, and relegated to the internet. He dates the thin(ner) women in his circle, so he doesn't have to break out and be different and maybe laughed at, and leaves the fat(ter) women for his fantasy life.

4. He is turned on by the thought of a thin(ner) woman gaining, and hopes to someday find one of those rare creatures.

5. He likes her personality and thinks it will be enough.





I can't help but be a little...unsympathetic to guys who do this. There are just so many fat women I know personally who are on the market, so to speak, so I don't have much feeling for an FA who gets himself into one of these situations.

Any thoughts? Arguments? Feelings?
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Old 03-06-2008, 11:42 PM   #2
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I think that there are definately guys that prefer BBW'S and SSBBW'S but date thin women as that is what is socially acceptable and expected.

There is often also intense pressure from family and parents for a man to be seen with a pretty and thin woman on his arms, and when a man has a preference for a big beautiful woman sometimes the family cannot accept it.
I believe that family members and friends should be accepting and welcoming of the person's partner regardless of size.

Look it is a tough one. Should we give men time and space to come to terms with their preference? I think so. I try not to be too tough on people as I tend to believe that we all need to process and work through most things in life.
Having said that if a man is a lover of BBW'S etc and he shuns them publicly in front of his friends etc, I would say that he was a creep etc.

Hope that helped Rip.
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Old 03-06-2008, 11:43 PM   #3
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I did date thin girls, then I found out I was an FA... now I am dating a large girl

But to be honest, I am not sure. It could be that he is afraid of others finding out he is and FA or something along those lines. People are different; some want to keep a low profile, and some just want to try and yes, get that rare girl who goes from a size 0 to a size 18 in under a year.

Why they complain I will never know. They get themselves in that mess and choose to vent. I know where they are coming from on some cases, but I will never know why they continue to do it.
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Old 03-07-2008, 12:01 AM   #4
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I fell in love with a thin girl once. People fall in love with those they're not immediately physically attracted to. We'd been friends for years and just decided to try it. Fell madly in love like two 17 year olds should. It was a tough time but I never bitched about it because I knew what I was getting into.
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Old 03-07-2008, 12:04 AM   #5
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I just cannot get too worked up/care about men who, in every other area of their lives, are ' go-getters ', and, want to talk about how they are ' hardwired ' to like fat women...and then.....want a bunch of empathy, as they date thin women, who they then basically trash. I cut a bit of slack for the young men, for they are usually sorting out a lot in their lives. Men who are not young and want to pretty much pollute the earth with their ' whoa is me..please coddle me '...sorry...I have to live in this fat body..buck up, cowboy.

If a man lives in a place where there is not one fat woman...he gets a bit of slack..just decided that..ha.

I really do feel that part of all this is part of the whole deal of many men thinking women, being women, will always be there as they ' figure things out ', no matter that the women are also human beings.

I know this is not really addressing the OP..sorry, Riplola..*L*..I am just...fed up.
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Old 03-07-2008, 12:08 AM   #6
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Agreeing with Mossy here.

It's one thing to either be learning about your preferences or discover your preferences in the process of dating.

To be well-established in yourself as an FA and continue to date thin girls for some bizarre reason is something pretty inexcusable.

It is PERFECTLY acceptable to remain single and open to many possibilities while you search for someone you're compatible with - latching onto the first partner that has some semblance of attractiveness, for whatever reason, be it neediness, loneliness, or just getting one's rocks off, so to speak is a pointless exercise that only results in pain all around.
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Old 03-07-2008, 12:13 AM   #7
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I'd imagine it's because it's just more socially acceptable to like/date thin women. That is probably the biggest reason, it's just less drama to deal with from friends and family. That said .. I have no sympathy for these guys and don't tolerate whining from 'em.

I'm not a fan of the whole "I'm an FA and it's such a burden, no one understands" crowd.

Best.burden.ever?

May as well get over the whole "what will people think" issue because if it's not one thing in life, it's another. People are going to pick something out to get on you about, so you may as well date who you want to date and be happy with it.

That said, everyone dating thin women can keep up the good work.

As an all out FA I fully support closet FAs and their lack of a pair.
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Old 03-07-2008, 12:35 AM   #8
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I have very little patience or empathy for guys like this on the boards and I fully understand why fat women would find those guys' attitudes exasperating.

That said, this is a topic we visit and revisit on every thread where said guys whine. I rarely chat but I'm sure it gets visited there too.

Bottom line: they're lame and boring.
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Old 03-07-2008, 01:17 AM   #9
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I have very little patience or empathy for guys like this on the boards and I fully understand why fat women would find those guys' attitudes exasperating.

That said, this is a topic we visit and revisit on every thread where said guys whine. I rarely chat but I'm sure it gets visited there too.

Bottom line: they're lame and boring.
Yes you could be right. I tend to be pretty soft on people all the time.
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Old 03-07-2008, 01:32 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by ripley View Post
(I don't know if this is in the right place, mods, so you might want to move it.)




There are regularly threads about men who are dating a woman and are unfulfilled (or downright unhappy) by her size. I'm kinda confused about this. I know there are millions of fat women in the world who would like a boyfriend, and yet they choose a thin(ner) woman to date, and then are unhappy.

I've been thinking about it and this is what I've come down to:

1. He likes the lifestyle a thin(ner) woman has...the ability to do more things, go more places, have less need for any special accommodations. She fits into his life better, without him even realizing it.

2. He's fallen into the PC kind of SA thinking that he's "attracted to all sizes and shapes".

3. Fat(ter) women are separate...not really a part of his social sphere, and relegated to the internet. He dates the thin(ner) women in his circle, so he doesn't have to break out and be different and maybe laughed at, and leaves the fat(ter) women for his fantasy life.

4. He is turned on by the thought of a thin(ner) woman gaining, and hopes to someday find one of those rare creatures.

5. He likes her personality and thinks it will be enough.





I can't help but be a little...unsympathetic to guys who do this. There are just so many fat women I know personally who are on the market, so to speak, so I don't have much feeling for an FA who gets himself into one of these situations.

Any thoughts? Arguments? Feelings?
Definitely number 3. It's not that I wouldn't date a fat girl because I'd be laughed at by friends though. My friends are very accepting. I simply don't meet any girls who are my type; or, if I do, I become very introvert and find myself unable to talk. I guess I just don't know how to deal with speaking to someone I'm genuinely attracted to.
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Old 03-07-2008, 01:47 AM   #11
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this thread makes me get all angsty just reading it. Makes me angry just thinking about the stupid men that say they love BBWs yet date the thin people, it's like come on, get over yourself!! i mean fair enough if theyre in love with them and all that jizz but dont moan about it! it's just stupid and i then want to kill you!

I dont give a damn what social pressures the men face that admit to loving larger ladies, because us ladies get it constantly anyway and it's not like you guys are that easily identifiable in general life, you dont go around with a beacon or anything!

so to conclude : put up and shut up


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Old 03-07-2008, 07:16 AM   #12
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It's a good question, Ripley, and there are probably as many answers as there are FA's, i doubt there is one overiding reason why this happens.

#1 is certainly a good possibility. I know there was one guy who posted on here that while he was sexually attracted to very large women, he typically dated mid sized fat women because he had an active lifestyle and he felt like dating somebody solely due to a sexual attraction was unethical. I have a personal FA friend who experienced something similar; he said he was very sexually aroused by a woman in the 350 pound range, but the practicalities of worrying over whether she'd fit into a movie theater seat or could walk long distances was just too stressful.

#2 is also probably likely. Some people truly are attracted to all shapes ad sizes, but i think with some they may figure "well everything else is good as far as shared interests or religion or plans for children, so I guess it will be ok if she's a little smaller than the women in my porn collection." Then they find that missing piece is more important than they thought. Also, some people may confuse "looks" with "sexual attraction." Many of even the most hard core FA's on here will say they find smaller women pretty or can appreciate their beauty, but they are not sexually aroused by them.

#3 I don't know about, I mean it's not as if there's some Fat Island or something where all the fat women live. Unless you have a particularly narrow social/academic/professional circle, it's hard to imagine there are not fat women around you. I can see an exception to this if maybe you have a very specific preference as far as size or shape, and maybe you live in a small town or go to a small college, but I doubt that is the majority.

#4 Erotic Weight Gain is a sexual fetish. There are some people into it and some not into it. Even for those who find it hot, many won't put the gaining into practice for practical or health reasons. Dating a thin woman with the hopes that she'll wind up satisfying this fetish makes as much sense as dating a parking valet with the hopes he'll win Lotto.

#5 I think is close to #2. We can't always help who we meet and who we fall for. We've all wound up being attracted to somebody "not our type" or really liking somebody we "should" be hot for but just aren't. Also, "fat" really is about how you look; you look fat. I don't think it's that odd for somebody to feel conflicted about how much they "should" focus on appearance.
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Old 03-07-2008, 07:35 AM   #13
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To tell you the truth - guys like this aren't even worth my time to think about. You either Ripley. A coward is a coward.
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Old 03-07-2008, 08:11 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by BothGunsBlazing View Post
I'd imagine it's because it's just more socially acceptable to like/date thin women. That is probably the biggest reason, it's just less drama to deal with from friends and family.
If they cares about what other peoples think - they are losers... Big woman with this kind of people will suffer.
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Old 03-07-2008, 09:21 AM   #15
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I cut a bit of slack for the young men, for they are usually sorting out a lot in their lives. Men who are not young and want to pretty much pollute the earth with their ' whoa is me..please coddle me '...sorry...I have to live in this fat body..buck up, cowboy.
Men often cave in to peer pressure. My husband had dated only thin girls before me, and then he found himself attracted to the fattest girl he ever met. His friends let him have it with both barrels, and compared negative peer pressure to swimming up a waterfall, but he reckoned that if salmon could buck the current, so could he. Besides, Art had something of a rebellious streak himself.

Methinx lotsa men love fat women but won't admit it due to peer pressure. Maybe I'm hopelessly vain, but I've noticed this sometime when we've had a short wait at a restaurant, and I've opted to stand (rather than sit in one of those comfy sofas stuffed with quicksand which swallow fat women). I've noticed more than a few men seated nearby try not to be too obvious as they eye my supersize assets and get, er, excited. It's funny when their skinny little wives get upset and hiss, "Stop staring at that fat bitch!" Cool, a middle-aged obese woman like me can still turn heads. Sometimes when I notice this, I rock back and forth on the balls of my feet to increase the jiggle factor (although my cover story is that it eases back strain when I just stand).

Sometimes during my travels, I've encountered men who wanted sympathy because they married thin women but "really love fat women." I can sympathize to a certain point, because they've realized the error of their ways, but too late! Sorry I'm not interested in a fling, thank you very much. How can we edumicate men and boys while they're younger that Miss Right might be a fat woman? We can't exactly rewind their lives after they've dealt with the consequences of wrong decisions, so they can go back in time and make the right decisions. 'Tis a puzzlement.

I'm conflicted about a few things myself. I want to be appreciated for my personality and abilities, and my fat should be irrelevant. But like it or not, obesity plays a major role in my life. It's my "normal". So when Art & I went on our first date, and I got an impressive case of nervous hiccups, and he became transfixed watching my fat breasts shake every 5 seconds, I just kinda shrugged and reeled him in. Feminine charms I never knew I had! A lot of women hate being fat, but in my case obesity has really clarified what I want out of life, and forced me to think creatively. With the right attitude, obesity can be liberating.

But ya know, it's not merely a matter of fat and thin. People make all sorts of decisions for the wrong reasons, swayed by what they *think* others will think, by advertising, by the media etc. At my 25th and 30th high school class reunion were a man and a woman from my class who really should have married each other, but didn't because their familes didn't think he or she was "good enough" for whatever silly reasons. So they each caved in, married someone else, and groused almost continually about their spouses, who didn't come to the reunions.
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Old 03-07-2008, 11:09 AM   #16
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2 and 5 have been my experience. No excuse for it really, but that's where things have seem to come down. Best intentions gone completely awry.
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Old 03-07-2008, 11:22 AM   #17
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I don't have much sympathy for people like this either -- my heart says that everyone has a journey and it's no different for a person who is attracted to fat women and part of that is acceptance (and that can take some time or forever) but then my head says, be a grown (wo)man and live authentically already!!! Time waits for no one...and while you are desperately unhappy with your current situation, life is passing you by.


On the flip side, yes alot of fat women would like to date, but I don't really see it being dependent upon those (wo)men who don't have their acts together yet...because that's what I feel this is about. Growing up and not making apologies for who you are and what you do. I feel like focusing on those people exerts too much energy and unneccessary stress when I could be out trying to make a connection happen. And maybe it also just depends on if you have to have someone that self-identifies as an (F)FA? Dunno...
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Old 03-07-2008, 11:59 AM   #18
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Originally Posted by ripley View Post

There are regularly threads about men who are dating a woman and are unfulfilled (or downright unhappy) by her size. I'm kinda confused about this. I know there are millions of fat women in the world who would like a boyfriend, and yet they choose a thin(ner) woman to date, and then are unhappy.

I've been thinking about it and this is what I've come down to:
How about:

6) It started off casual, 'cause she was nice and all but he never intended to get serious with a thin woman. Then the biology of infatuation kicked in, and everything about her seemed marvelous and desirable and attractive, and he let himself fall in love, and he just knew that he could put aside his FA feelings for her. Eventually the infatuation wore off, as is its wont, and while he still loved her as a person, that initial lack of excitement about her body has become apparent again.

7) He always found big women attractive, but some thin women were cute too. He was never especially confident at hitting on women, but got to talking to this thinner woman and things really clicked, and they started dating, and really they are great together and he is in love with her and never wants to hurt her--but he's realized that although she is cute, that is different from ohmygodIwanttobanghernow-sexy.

When I've talked to guys in this situation, one or other, or some combination, of those two seem to be the story, more often than not. Remember that most people aren't totally clear about what they are looking for (especially young men, who are driven strongly to want sex-right-now, and may have a hard time thinking about things clearly beyond that), and a lot of relationships start off as just a date or even a flirtation, without plans for five or more years down the road, or for that matter without plans for actually falling solidly in love.

In other words, I think it is not usually so much 'choose' as 'stumble into.' A better awareness of long term consequences would probably head off some of these things, but obliviousness to long term consequences seems to be natures way of getting young men to do their best to procreate the species before they kill themselves through testosterone poisoning.

Feel free to disagree, or to come to different conclusions. These are just my conclusions based on what I've seen from guys I know and guys I've talked with (sometime specifically about this issue, and sometimes just in general about guys and relationships).
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Old 03-07-2008, 12:02 PM   #19
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me either. i like a man with personal courage and i refuse to have anything to do with men who are whiners and that whimp out--especially on their own personal desires.


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Old 03-07-2008, 01:19 PM   #20
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Might be because given all the mitigating factors the thin woman was the 'best' possible match? Being fat should not and probably would not be the be all and end all that builds a relationship. A guy could marry a fat but dumb girl. He may screw her like a rabid monkey every night but he's still going to crave mental stimulation from some place, that part of him won't die just because he's sexually fullfilled. I get sick of listening to whiney guys squeezing our chops here too but look on the bright side. He could be YOUR problem bragging about what an awesome lay you are but you don't dig WoW or carnies or something.
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Old 03-07-2008, 01:51 PM   #21
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Might be because given all the mitigating factors the thin woman was the 'best' possible match? Being fat should not and probably would not be the be all and end all that builds a relationship. A guy could marry a fat but dumb girl. He may screw her like a rabid monkey every night but he's still going to crave mental stimulation from some place, that part of him won't die just because he's sexually fullfilled. I get sick of listening to whiney guys squeezing our chops here too but look on the bright side. He could be YOUR problem bragging about what an awesome lay you are but you don't dig WoW or carnies or something.
Good point Lilly. I mean we do have to consider the source when we read these posts, or by "source" i guess i really mean venue. IOW, these guys complain to a pretty sympathetic audience of "Yeah, fat women ARE sexy and it sucks for you to not be with one."

I sometimes wonder how perfect all these relatioships really are. I mean the tenor of those posts is always "everything is fantastic except she's not fat." I wonder if that's the whole problem or it's just an easy out. Focusing on appearance is really pretty easy.

I know there is some difference of opinion here about "size acceptance" vs. "fat acceptance." When we see these posts, many of the responses are along the lines of "Hey, sexual attraction is important and you need to break up with her and be with somebody who excites you sexually." For those of us who favor size acceptance rather than fat acceptance, I wonder what the reaction would be to a man saying "I really love my wife but since she gained 150 pounds i'm just not hot for her anymore. I can't help the way I feel, she's a great person but the fat is a turnoff."

I'd be curious to see if there was a different ratio of "Dump her" to "Accept her as she is."
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Old 03-07-2008, 02:01 PM   #22
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Good point Lilly. I mean we do have to consider the source when we read these posts, or by "source" i guess i really mean venue. IOW, these guys complain to a pretty sympathetic audience of "Yeah, fat women ARE sexy and it sucks for you to not be with one."

I sometimes wonder how perfect all these relatioships really are. I mean the tenor of those posts is always "everything is fantastic except she's not fat." I wonder if that's the whole problem or it's just an easy out. Focusing on appearance is really pretty easy.

I know there is some difference of opinion here about "size acceptance" vs. "fat acceptance." When we see these posts, many of the responses are along the lines of "Hey, sexual attraction is important and you need to break up with her and be with somebody who excites you sexually." For those of us who favor size acceptance rather than fat acceptance, I wonder what the reaction would be to a man saying "I really love my wife but since she gained 150 pounds i'm just not hot for her anymore. I can't help the way I feel, she's a great person but the fat is a turnoff."

I'd be curious to see if there was a different ratio of "Dump her" to "Accept her as she is."
I would give the same advice though I will admit my emotional double speak here in that I would be a bit more annoyed with him in this scenario than the other. Maybe it's because the thin to fat scenario is more cliched than the other way around? It is often done in a more cruel fashion in that there is this humiliating disdain for getting fat that gives dignity to his leaving. He leaves her and people say, "Uh-oh, you shulda called Jenny dear." His wife gets to a billiondy pounds and nobody is going to fault him for leaving her and will assume she brought it all on herself. Not trying to justify it, just analyzing out loud I guess.
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Old 03-07-2008, 02:23 PM   #23
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It's an interesting thought process to work through.

At one point we had a discussion about something similar, and you pointed out that there is nothing "noble" about being an FA, it's just about your sexuality. It does not make you a better person any more than being thin/fat does.

Yet for some reason, it seems that a guy who leaves a woman who gained weight is shallow, and a guy who leaves a woman who loses weight is just following his true self/nature. I admit to thinking the same way, so I guess i'm as biased/judgemental as anyone.

If we assume for argument's sake that somebody has total control over her size, should we feel that a woman married to an FA "deserves" to lose her man if she loses weight?

Or that a smaller woman who is unwilling to gain weight is somehow less committed to her relationship than a woman who eats salad and exercises every day to keep in shape for her husband? I wonder if an FA could be justified in telling a small/average woman "if you really loved me you'd want to look good for me and you'd gain weight."

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Old 03-07-2008, 02:27 PM   #24
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It's an interesting thought process to work through.

At one point we had a discussion about something similar, and you pointed out that there is nothing "noble" about being an FA, it's just about your sexuality. It does not make you a better person any more than being thin/fat does.

Yet for some reason, it seems that a guy who leaves a woman who gained weight is shallow, and a guy who leaves a woman who loses weight is just following his true self/nature. I admit to thinking the same way, so I guess i'm as biased/judgemental as anyone.
both are shallow. sadly some guys just never figure out what women are, what they are truly composed of and everything they are good for. its like having a bentley and always obsessing over the shapeliness of the door handle and never learning of the beauty handling utility and engineering history of the rest of the car.

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Old 03-07-2008, 02:30 PM   #25
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My answer would be #5 if that were the case for me. And for me, personality is enough.
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