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Old 03-07-2008, 02:31 PM   #26
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It's an interesting thought process to work through.

At one point we had a discussion about something similar, and you pointed out that there is nothing "noble" about being an FA, it's just about your sexuality. It does not make you a better person any more than being thin/fat does.

Yet for some reason, it seems that a guy who leaves a woman who gained weight is shallow, and a guy who leaves a woman who loses weight is just following his true self/nature. I admit to thinking the same way, so I guess i'm as biased/judgemental as anyone.

If we assume for argument's sake that somebody has total control over her size, should we feel that a woman married to an FA "deserves" to lose her man if she loses weight?

Or that a smaller woman who is unwilling to gain weight is somehow less committed to her relationship than a woman who eats salad and exercises every day to keep in shape for her husband? I wonder if an FA could be justified in telling a small/average woman "if you really loved me you'd want to look good for me and you'd gain weight."
There's a part of me that wants to cut people some slack but it duels with another part that says people are not cars or furniture you can trade in when the color fades. With that being said, do I want to stay with a guy who thinks I'm getting a little dingy and is looking at newer models? if I marry a guy that one dimensional maybe I'm partially to blame as well. It's a lot to sort through and gonna take me a while.
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Old 03-07-2008, 02:37 PM   #27
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Might be because given all the mitigating factors the thin woman was the 'best' possible match? Being fat should not and probably would not be the be all and end all that builds a relationship. A guy could marry a fat but dumb girl. He may screw her like a rabid monkey every night but he's still going to crave mental stimulation from some place, that part of him won't die just because he's sexually fullfilled. I get sick of listening to whiney guys squeezing our chops here too but look on the bright side. He could be YOUR problem bragging about what an awesome lay you are but you don't dig WoW or carnies or something.
Indeed.

Believe it or not, sexual attraction is not a relationship's be all - end all. It's possible to fall for someone you're not fucking. It seems like few people realize this?

I know that some of the men this thread describes are infuriatingly dumb (they get my goat more than practically anyone), but don't throw every FA that's dated a skinny girl into one of those categorizations.
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Old 03-07-2008, 02:41 PM   #28
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I'm tempted to turn this around so that it applies to women as well. I think all of us are guilty of dating someone we weren't 100 percent attracted to, in hopes that love would conquer all, so to speak. I generally tend to be attracted to thinner guys, but upon dating a larger dude who I had loads in common with (I really gave it an honest shot) I realized just how important my physical preferences are to me. I wish that guy had been more attracted to me...I wish I could have gotten over my hangups about his appearance, but at the end of the day, physical attraction really is that important to some people (myself included)...The difference though, is that now I (more or less) understand my preferences and take care not to get involved with people who don't turn me on in all ways, because inevitabley, someone would get hurt when the relationship didn't reach its full potential.

I don't know, I just see it as working both ways, and not just regarding fat, but regarding all kinds of physical traits, well beyond weight.
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Old 03-07-2008, 02:48 PM   #29
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\I know there is some difference of opinion here about "size acceptance" vs. "fat acceptance." When we see these posts, many of the responses are along the lines of "Hey, sexual attraction is important and you need to break up with her and be with somebody who excites you sexually." For those of us who favor size acceptance rather than fat acceptance, I wonder what the reaction would be to a man saying "I really love my wife but since she gained 150 pounds i'm just not hot for her anymore. I can't help the way I feel, she's a great person but the fat is a turnoff."

I'd be curious to see if there was a different ratio of "Dump her" to "Accept her as she is."
First, my view would be that she's a great person and the fat is a turn-on. But if I didn't like fat on a woman, I'd say accept her as she is. Personality trumps all.
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Old 03-07-2008, 02:50 PM   #30
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I agree but does anybody truly ever find the girl/guy of their dreams? Millions of married guys fap to Pemala Anderson. I think the question we have to ask ourselves is if my beloved changed would I still want to be with him/her? Maybe the definition of 'love' for a lot of people needs to change for those who are mistaking love for something it is not. Still thinking out loud.
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Old 03-07-2008, 02:55 PM   #31
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In theory, yes, personality and character trump looks.

But sex and sexual attraction may be very important to some people in relationships. It might get very frustrating and stressful for a man to be unable to be sexually aroused by the woman he loves. It would be very stressful and frustrating for the woman if she knew her partner could not be fully attracted to her or that he had to use mental images of women who looked wholly differet from her in order to be aroused.

When we have these discussion we need to make sure to consider the nuances between "love" and "sexual attraction." Lots of us have been sexually aroused by people we don't even like, so the two are not necessarily linked.
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Old 03-07-2008, 04:24 PM   #32
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In theory, yes, personality and character trump looks.

But sex and sexual attraction may be very important to some people in relationships. It might get very frustrating and stressful for a man to be unable to be sexually aroused by the woman he loves. It would be very stressful and frustrating for the woman if she knew her partner could not be fully attracted to her or that he had to use mental images of women who looked wholly differet from her in order to be aroused.

When we have these discussion we need to make sure to consider the nuances between "love" and "sexual attraction." Lots of us have been sexually aroused by people we don't even like, so the two are not necessarily linked.
I was referring to my own view.
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Old 03-07-2008, 04:30 PM   #33
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i prob wouldn't mind that FAs date thin girls so much if more non-FAs were into fatties like myself.

it just seems like we can't get a break. just saying!
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Old 03-07-2008, 04:39 PM   #34
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before they kill themselves through testosterone poisoning.
What's this exactly, ed? A medical term? Or just another way of saying "boys will be boys"?

Can we keep it real? I have a world of respect for you. An immense world of respect. But there's no such thing as "testosterone poisoning."

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A guy could marry a fat but dumb girl. He may screw her like a rabid monkey every night but he's still going to crave mental stimulation from some place, that part of him won't die just because he's sexually fullfilled.
Well, but the alternatives are not "fat, dumb woman" and "intelligent, thin woman." There are plenty of "intelligent, fat women" and "dumb, thin women," too. Just sayin'...

And I think the OP is pointing out that it's frustrating to read post after post after post of supposed "FAs" who nonetheless claim to be in sexually unfulfilling relationships with thin women who won't gain weight, or slightly plump women who want to lose weight. Meanwhile they're fantasizing about supersize women. Meanwhile, the actual supersize women here--intelligent, accomplished, well-rounded, life-loving, self-accepting women--are stuck at home alone night after night, month after month. And as for thin women--any woman, really--don't they deserve partners who love them as they are, too?

So it seems to me that there are choices being made that are destructive all-around. And I'm not sure I understand what drives those choices. I suspect some of has to do with just the unpredictability of life. But the pattern is so persistent, that it feels like there's more than just chance involved. If so many men are choosing thin partners when they would rather have fat partners, can we say that there isn't something "hinky" there?

It's a real puzzle and an endless source of frustration specifically for many women here, I think. The facts are, if you're a fat woman, your dating choices are more likely to be very constraining. So in real terms, we do suffer. The longterm loneliness of many of my fat female friends sometimes astounds me. And angers me. These are great women. But nobody'll touch them with a ten foot pole. Or the alternative is to settle for being someone's dirty little secret or fantasy. Well, why can't we have some reasonably close facsimile of the average American life? What about our shot at happiness, or even at a mildly satisfying life that you build with someone?

And all of this, to me, begs the question of how much sympathy we should extend to a person who chooses to live a double life, essentially.
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Old 03-07-2008, 05:02 PM   #35
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Heh, you might as well ask why otherwise intelligent women date assholes and then bitch about it to their nice guy friends.
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Old 03-07-2008, 05:03 PM   #36
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Heh, you might as well ask why otherwise intelligent women date assholes and then bitch about it to their nice guy friends.


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Old 03-07-2008, 05:09 PM   #37
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Everyone has there reasons for things but I have a hard time with men that do this Rip - What I dislike even more is they say things like well its hard to find a confident BBW blah blah blah - WELL jeeze yah think - constantly being put down for our weight and then the men that "love" us do the even more damage by denying us and the fact that they are attracted to us.

So when you guys - and you know who you are trying talking to me and you are married to a thin woman but she dosent do it for ya - I just want to say Im sorry if Ive been rude - but I dont want to hear it.
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Old 03-07-2008, 05:11 PM   #38
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Heh, you might as well ask why otherwise intelligent women date assholes and then bitch about it to their nice guy friends.
Yeah, but this is a board for airing out issues of FAs and fat people, not issues of milquetoasts and their female friends.

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Old 03-07-2008, 05:12 PM   #39
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Yeah, but this is a board for airing out issues of FAs and fat people, not issues of milquetoasts and women who love bad boys.

What, fat women can't be intelligent?
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Old 03-07-2008, 05:18 PM   #40
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I agree but does anybody truly ever find the girl/guy of their dreams? Millions of married guys fap to Pemala Anderson. I think the question we have to ask ourselves is if my beloved changed would I still want to be with him/her? Maybe the definition of 'love' for a lot of people needs to change for those who are mistaking love for something it is not. Still thinking out loud.
As always, the wisdom of Lilly strikes again. Actually there's a lot of wisdom in this thread, but my post is already epic AGAIN.

I think you've got it absolutely right Lilly. Time and change happen to everyone, so you can't base something just on physical attraction. Actually, sometimes you might not even be able to count on the personality you fell in love with either. People can get diseases or injuries or go through a depression, in other words, even the personality can change sometimes. I think that it makes sense to try to find someone who at the outset of a relationship fulfills as many of your dreams as possible, but a true committed relationship for the long term really has to be faced with the reality that, no matter what else happens, you won't be the same people at 80 that you are at 30 in many ways. Also, there are times when building a life together causes a couple to focus on so many other things that while sex is important, it might be less important for a time. I have heard this from every couple with a new born baby for example. Life tests you, it really does and I think more relationships would last if people thought ahead.

Having said that, and getting back to ripley's question, I think that for a younger man(or woman, but I'll use man from here on out to save space) or a man who has just really figured out he is an FA(and I think the full realization can hit later) it is more understandable that there would still be issues to figure out and sort through. And yes, sometimes, we can fall in love with the person we least expect. But I think how he struggles with it is often very telling. For some reason I have trouble believing "she's perfect, but she just won't gain 100 pounds, damn it!" translates into a good relationship. (OK, I'm exaggerating, but you see my point.) On the other hand, a man who is truly in love, but is wondering if he could spend the rest of his life with a thin woman or if he'd always wonder "what if", that I think, is a little trickier, I really do. But I also think everyone wonders "what if" and sometimes you just have to make a decision and take a risk.

NOW about societal and family pressure. This one just makes me nuts, it really does, so here is my rant. I apologize in advance. I understand about family and societal pressures, but I've said it before and I'll say it again, at some point you have to realize your life is YOUR life and there is no point in living it for everyone else. I'm not talking about people who live in a small town, or who are still coming to terms with being an FA, I'm talking about people who know full well they're FAs and who have real life opportunities and still don't want to accept that fact, but who want to complain about it anyway. Those people need to grow up, they really do. (I'm not talking about struggling with thoughts or feelings as an F/FA, I'm talking about not dating BBW or BHM because you're afraid of what others think. Or not dating them openly.) Unless they're very young, or the realization is very new to them, they shouldn't really expect much sympathy when they post that on the boards. OK, they shouldn't expect any sympathy.

I think any F/FA who feels that way should really think about this scenario:

Someone walks up to you and says, "Man, you are gorgeous. Everything I've ever dreamed about and you know what, you seem like you're a cool person too. I'd love to get to know you better, but here's the thing. I could never date you officially, or introduce you to my friends or family because, well, they wouldn't approve and honestly, I don't want to make waves with my family and friends. But maybe we could, you know see each other anyway, on the side. I just won't ever, ever date you officially. But really, I think you're amazing. You understand, right? Right? Oh, and you feel bad for me for being so conflicted too, right? Right?"

Because let's be honest, THAT is the situation that every F/FA who says they don't date BBW/BHM because they're afraid what everyone will think is actually saying when they post about it on the boards. And yes, I am an FFA and not a BBW so I am saying this to my fellow F/FAs who say these things. (Again, not the young ones, we know the ones I'm talking about.) And please, I'm not saying it's wrong to feel that way, you can't help how you feel, and I'm not saying it's wrong to post that here because hopefully the other members of the board can "set you straight" but if you expect sympathy for something like that, you're just delusional. Sorry.

One thing though, I do see the point Bafta1 brought up the idea of being intimidated by people you find attractive. I think that happens to a lot of people and keeps them from dating "their type" but again, it is something that should probably be overcome for the sake of everyone. Otherwise, the relationships will just be difficult down the road. And it's not fair to other people or yourself to "settle" for them. But that's just my opinion.

And I did it again, I wrote an epic anyway. Really guys, just tell me to shut up already.
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Old 03-07-2008, 05:22 PM   #41
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I think....that there are broader generalizations to be drawn, also parallels with other populations, but there are definitely some specifics to the fat/FA experience to be articulated here, which seems like the point (at Dimensions, I mean--I mean, it's not a football board. Or a politics board.). After all, only a lucky few 8-10 dudes may get to marry Pamela Anderson, but if your preference is fat v. thin, then we're talkin about a fair smorgasbord of choices that are being ignored in favor of something else.

To my way of thinking and from my experience and some of the patterns of experience articulated here, I would say there is a collection of social pressures that can keep people dating/committing to thinner women, pressures that aren't overtly negatively or prejudicial but kind of the side-effects from the above. Of course it's "easier." Not to marry a fatty, I mean. For some people. Theoretically. Maybe a smorgasbord or buffet is the right analogy--some people who really love smoked salmon may settle for carved beef and get full on that before they realize they can really have salmon or there is any. Or that you can even get a new plate and dine again!

In my own experience I can think of at least three men I've dated with strong SSBBW preferences who ended up marrying chubby/plumper-types (if that) and no, depressingly, from my POV, the SSBBW stuff didn't go away. In each case it was really hard not to get the impression of vague family/social pressures and an accepted/unquestioned ease about the situation contributing to their choice. Also, a soupcon of #3, too...a kind of (not malicious) otherness or separateness to the fatter women they dated, for whatever reason.

I don't think the point is to make dating fat women a litmus test....exactly. Not in the ideological purity sense. There's no way around the fact that I see what Rip's talkin about, but I also really don't know how common it is.

I also don't know how much it's changing. A 21-y-o person these days may have more sanctioned social room for life choices that don't look like everyone else's these days, it seems. Dunno.
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Old 03-07-2008, 05:24 PM   #42
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What, fat women can't be intelligent?
Awwww... baby looking to be naughty? How cute. Maybe later, kiddo.

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Old 03-07-2008, 07:43 PM   #43
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Okay, the following is not intended as a sob story (i.e., I'm not one of those guys with a thin woman who wants to whine about it). It's just One Guy's Story, since the OP wanted some input on reasons why an FA would be with a thin woman.

Adolescence to Age 23 :
I'm not much of a girl chaser. While I certainly appreciate the appeal, only about 60% of my mental bandwidth is dedicated to the contemplation of boobs, buns, and pretty faces. As opposed to the apparent 98% my friends appear to allocate. So I don't actively pursue any kind of relationship, and consequently don't have one. But the 60% I do spend tends to be focused on the aforementioned parts primarily when they, and the surrounding real estate, happen to be infused with a healthy dose of fat.

Age 24:
Due to where I live and who I know, I happen to end up frequently in the company of a particular girl who is charming, adorable, and fat. I'm entranced. I win her affection, fall madly in love, and am awash in a tide of euphoria and lust. Over the next 8 months, I discover that I'm deeply invested in the relationship, and she appears to see it as something that just happened to conveniently fall in her lap, so she might as well use it. I decide that emotional pain really isn't my thing, so I terminate the relationship.

Age 25:
I get a first year tuition free scholarship to a college due to being dirt poor and having high ACT scores. At this college, a girl who is very thin and very pretty befriends me. I cognitively recognize that she's pretty, a conclusion which appears to be supported by the number of guys interested in her. But I don't feel the physical draw. I do however, value her as a friend. She's intelligent, and very independently minded. I just don't get into airheads or the June Cleaver type. When I have some interesting, innovative observation, she gets it. And adds to it. No one else seems to do this (male or female friends). We continue to be friends, and she becomes romantically drawn to me (yeah, I don't get it either), despite the absence of any overtures from my direction. It seems to me like I should like her that way. We communicate well, we get each other, and we're both kind, decent people who treat each other well. I don't get this with anyone else. I really value her, but the romance or lust isn't there.

Age 30:
Five years later, and I'm still with her, and still conflicted. Some sex, but not any really good sex. She's getting frustrated with me dragging my feet and not making a commitment. I really don't want to lose the best friend I've ever had (there's never been even a distant second). So, through my detached, rational reasoning, I come to the most colossally stupid conclusion of my life. I reason thusly:

From what I'd read, that euphoric, in-love feeling lasts for about the first year or two of a relationship or marriage, after which it fades, leaving you with a placid, comfortable relationship. Love addicts jump from partner to partner, always seeking that initial buzz, and leaving before it comes to settling into a longterm, meaningful relationship. That being the case, that initial buzz doesn't seem to be all that important, and comprises a very small percentage of a lifetime partnership. So it doesn't seem like much of a basis on which to make a lifetime decision. After all, what really matters is being good friends.

Armed with this boneheaded hypothesis, I propose. And we marry.

Age 30 to 39:
We coexist rather peacefully, with little to no conflict. My sex drive dwindles. Hers increases. I discover that a troubled, anxiety-ridden adolescence had left her with a poor self image and a feeling of being repulsive. She has serious difficulty believing that anyone likes her (not just sexually, but friends, coworkers, my family, etc.), despite the fact that most who know her adore her. By my late 30's, she's craving a lot more sexual advances from me, but my sex drive has pretty much vanished. I make myself initiate things, but it's difficult to do consistently when you have zero desire. It's not like I'm lusting after anyone else; I just have no interest at all. We both conclude that there's something physically wrong with me (all the hardware works, but this complete lack of desire doesn't seem normal). Doctors and endocrinologists find nothing wrong.

Age 40 (present day):
She can't handle being sexually unfulfilled any more, and struggles with feelings of rejection because of my total absence of desire. I really dislike hurting her (I always have), and my lack of drive is a continuous source of pain, despite being something I can't control. We get marriage counseling; it isn't enough. We finally conclude that we're causing each other more harm than good, and separate. It's a very amicable and mutual separation, with neither of us blaming the other for anything. And there's no children to be hurt by it. Despite the lack of physical connection, the separation is still, of course, painful. But after concluding that it's permanent, I gradually began to adjust, and start thinking about what my future will be. Do I want to stay single? Or should I start thinking about looking for someone? And suddenly, my sex drive returns in full force. I discover that I'm horny as hell.

This time around, I have no intention of getting involved with someone I don't feel that physical pull with. Yeah, I can, in fact, be taught.

So, anyway, OP, that's one way it can happen.
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Old 03-07-2008, 08:09 PM   #44
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Wow, Zoner. Thank you so much for sharing. Beautifully written and heartfelt.
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Old 03-08-2008, 12:45 AM   #45
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Thanks for tellin your story, Zoner!
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Old 03-08-2008, 12:51 AM   #46
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Because people like to complain?
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Old 03-08-2008, 10:01 AM   #47
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Originally Posted by Fascinita View Post
What's this exactly, ed? A medical term? Or just another way of saying "boys will be boys"?

Can we keep it real? I have a world of respect for you. An immense world of respect. But there's no such thing as "testosterone poisoning."



Well, but the alternatives are not "fat, dumb woman" and "intelligent, thin woman." There are plenty of "intelligent, fat women" and "dumb, thin women," too. Just sayin'...

And I think the OP is pointing out that it's frustrating to read post after post after post of supposed "FAs" who nonetheless claim to be in sexually unfulfilling relationships with thin women who won't gain weight, or slightly plump women who want to lose weight. Meanwhile they're fantasizing about supersize women. Meanwhile, the actual supersize women here--intelligent, accomplished, well-rounded, life-loving, self-accepting women--are stuck at home alone night after night, month after month. And as for thin women--any woman, really--don't they deserve partners who love them as they are, too?

So it seems to me that there are choices being made that are destructive all-around. And I'm not sure I understand what drives those choices. I suspect some of has to do with just the unpredictability of life. But the pattern is so persistent, that it feels like there's more than just chance involved. If so many men are choosing thin partners when they would rather have fat partners, can we say that there isn't something "hinky" there?

It's a real puzzle and an endless source of frustration specifically for many women here, I think. The facts are, if you're a fat woman, your dating choices are more likely to be very constraining. So in real terms, we do suffer. The longterm loneliness of many of my fat female friends sometimes astounds me. And angers me. These are great women. But nobody'll touch them with a ten foot pole. Or the alternative is to settle for being someone's dirty little secret or fantasy. Well, why can't we have some reasonably close facsimile of the average American life? What about our shot at happiness, or even at a mildly satisfying life that you build with someone?

And all of this, to me, begs the question of how much sympathy we should extend to a person who chooses to live a double life, essentially.
I'm a single fat woman. Not everybody's cup of tea but I think I do okay in the looks department. I'm gainfully employed, intelligent, got a couple of neato talents, good sense of humor - I even like carnies! So yeah, I'm pretty freakin' awesome BUT this does not mean I'm going to be compatible with every smart guy here or that every smart girl here is going to want to be my friend. There's more that goes into relationships than, "You fat, me FA." In one breath we get all up in arms at even the implication that fat is the primary factor that a man uses in choosing a mate and then in the next we get angry when it's not. There are plenty of cases where closet FA's are scared shitless into relationships that they know danged well they won't be happy in but I think it's naive to assume every FA who gets involved with a thin woman is guilty of this. Mitigating factors may have favored one relationship over another.
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Old 03-08-2008, 11:29 AM   #48
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No, we shouldn't have any sympathy for guys like that and Zoner's story is the reason why. He wasn't true to himself and wasted 15 years of his life and his ex-wife's life. (Sorry Zoner, but it's true) She could have been happy with someone else. He could have spent those 15 years with someone who would have excited and fulfilled him -someone fat, who would also have been happy. Those were 15 years he wouldn't have had to pretend. Years he will never get back. I have to wonder too why it took him 15 years to learn to be true to himself...

I have to wonder what he would have done if the situation were the other way around. What would have happened if he knew he wasn't attracted to BBW's and said girl was fat instead of thin. Would he still have married her?

Ripley, the bs I have been thru with closeted FA's has taught me two things:
1. Sometimes - well most of the time men are emotionally immature well into their 50's (read stupid), and there's nothing to be done about it. Not that women aren't, but it's just different. Women can only hope to find the ones who aren't. (I have to believe it's easier than finding a needle in a haystack - truly.)

2. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that love will be strong enough and powerful enough to keep you from acting stupidly. In fact I've learned that love hardly seems to have any power at all when it comes to closeted FA's.

Anyway, I say again, NO, we should not have any sympathy of any kind for closeted FA jerks.
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Old 03-08-2008, 11:33 AM   #49
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Originally Posted by Fascinita View Post
But there's no such thing as "testosterone poisoning."
Ohhhh yes there is, because I've had it! What Ed means, I think, is that every man has two heads, and sometimes he thinks with the little one instead of the big one. And as a young man, I very often did this...and I knew it. And this is why I sometimes hesitated to date BBW's. My immediate reaction to a big woman was total, electric lust, but I was just smart enough to realize that, while lust can fuel a one-night stand, a satisfying relationship demands a whole lot more. So when a woman made my heart beat fast and my breath come in gasps, I would force myself into a lower gear and take things slowly...to make sure it wasn't just my testosterone talking. And during that period I would often find that the lady and I really weren't compatible. On the whole, though, I remember dating women of various sizes in roughly equal numbers. Heck, I just like women.
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Old 03-08-2008, 05:22 PM   #50
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He wasn't true to himself and wasted 15 years of his life and his ex-wife's life. (Sorry Zoner, but it's true)
I absolutely agree. And no need to apologize; you said exactly what you thought, and I admire that.
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She could have been happy with someone else. He could have spent those 15 years with someone who would have excited and fulfilled him -someone fat, who would also have been happy. Those were 15 years he wouldn't have had to pretend. Years he will never get back.
I couldn't agree more, and I'm painfully aware of that. They weren't horrific years for either of us. We both learned from each other, grew, had some very good times, and enjoyed a close friendship. But they were wasted in the sense that we could have had a more fulfilling time with someone else. And that was my fault. I can deal with the 15 years from my life, but the 15 unfulfilled years I took from hers eats me from the inside out on a daily basis. It's the one thing that makes me hesitant to get involved with anyone. I'm paranoid about messing up someone else's life.
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I have to wonder too why it took him 15 years to learn to be true to himself...
Idealized commitment. Denial. Stupidity. I had convinced myself that sexuality wasn't a big deal for me. Love was more important to me (and still is, actually - only now I understand how important sex is in that). She wanted to be with me, even with the lukewarm level of passion from the beginning. We did genuinely love each other, and I cared for her deeply. I actually didn't understand why my sexuality had shut down (after some years), since I didn't feel that kind of attraction to anyone or anything anymore. It was just completely gone. I assumed it was biological, and that I wouldn't have that for anyone. It wasn't until after I let go of my commitment to her that I discovered I still have plenty of drive. And the lack of fulfillment for her didn't really make itself apparent (to either of us) for the first several years. She already had abandonment issues (before me), so until it became apparent that being with her was hurting her more than helping her, leaving my wife didn't feel like the noble thing to do.
Quote:
I have to wonder what he would have done if the situation were the other way around. What would have happened if he knew he wasn't attracted to BBW's and said girl was fat instead of thin. Would he still have married her?
If I had the same kind of friendship and mind connection that I had with my wife at that time? Absolutely. No question about it. (And it still would have been stupid and the wrong thing to do. But I've already covered that.)

Why wouldn't I have? It would have been the identical situation, only with the words "fat" and "thin" swapped. Unless you're suggesting that the real reason I married a thin woman is that I didn't want to be seen with someone fat. That is decidedly not the case. My first girlfriend was fat. I adored her, and I have to confess that I actually took her out places I wasn't really interested in going, just because I wanted people to see her with me (and yes, I realize now that that wasn't really being true to myself, either).

There was a fat girl at that college who I thought I liked, but when I got to talking with her, I discovered a room temperature IQ and the individuality of a lobotomized sheep. (One of the first things she told me was that she was going to see Far and Away that night, and that she was really excited because Tom Cruise was in it.) And a couple more girls I showed an interest in, but it wasn't reciprocated. Hell, you seem sharp and independent; if you'd been there (and were 20-something 15 years ago), I probably would have asked you out. And maybe we'd be married with 3 kids now. Or maybe you'd have seen that I was nothing like what you were looking for, and blown me off. Who knows. Anyway, my point is that my marriage to a thin woman had nothing to do with not wanting to be "out of the closet". Not even close.

I gather from your post that you've been burned by some cowardly FA's who wouldn't really commit to being with a fat woman. If that is the case, I'm really sorry to hear that. You deserve way better than that, and guys like that deserve no one.

But I get the distinct sense that you're suggesting that I'm one of those "closeted FA jerks." If that is, in fact, the case, I have to say that I deeply resent the implication.
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