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Old 02-14-2006, 11:16 PM   #1
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Default FA preference ends 2 year relationship... just shy of V-day

Long time forums reader, not much of a contributor though. My girlfriend and I had been going out for 6 months; then I told her I was an FA (she was thin and athletic) and I told her it was not a problem for me, I loved her, and that would be enough. Our romantic life flourished as would any healthy young-lovers relationship, and we had a lot of fun together... were in love and enjoying life at our age. Eventually I think my g/f lost sexual interest in me because we lacked that lustful attention (don't get me wrong, love making is beautiful... but everyone enjoys some more intense f@&(*%g for lack of better words... I am sure many realize the difference). She felt bad she was not the apple of my eye when it came to body types and I felt bad that I did not drool over her like every other guy did... this caused many problems. We were really in love though, I basically wanted to get the opinions on here and see if anyone thinks it is worth fighting to save this loving, but lust-lacking, relationship... or I should just let go.

Sort of sucked... a really bad valentine's day.

thanks

(I do intend on contributing more now that I finally have a profile).
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Old 02-14-2006, 11:23 PM   #2
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I hate to say it, but it was probably bound to happen.

Love is great, and it's a wonderful thing necessary to any relationship. But usually there needs to be more, and just as if I were with a guy who really lusted after thin chicks, but he loved me so he'd tolerate my body and could make love to me... it's just not the same.

Most people want to feel those lustful eyes on them as they do some mundane activity, or that nice grab of back fat (in my case... lol) from someone who is just checking in physically. There's a way a man touches you when he WANTS you, and there is another way they touch you when they're just with you.

I don't ever want to feel the second type again, it's a very empty, lonely feeling.... I actually felt it not long ago enough for my tastes. I thought the guy was totally into fat girls, but there are many things he did while with me that made me "feel" otherwise. I should have trusted my gut from the beginning.

This isn't about me, I'm just trying to illustrate that your love of each other probably just can't compensate for her feeling that she's not what you want, and you trying to make her feel sure that it's "ok" with you. Nobody wants to be just "ok".

Good luck, and sorry about your crap Vday. Better luck next year.
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Old 02-14-2006, 11:27 PM   #3
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I hear you, I always did my best... it was never an act, I was attracted to her but I guess in her mind knowing she was not number 1 (at least in the pyhsical sense) it must have bothered her... just as I felt guilty about it as well. Thanks AM for your reply!
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Old 02-14-2006, 11:37 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by MadeFA
I hear you, I always did my best... it was never an act, I was attracted to her but I guess in her mind knowing she was not number 1 (at least in the pyhsical sense) it must have bothered her... just as I felt guilty about it as well. Thanks AM for your reply!

Yup, exactly.

Here's a little anecdote from my stupid life.

One of my loves, physically ideal to me/nice/smart/adventurous... all that jazz. I fell hard for him at 21, lost track, but never forgot him. At 21 I wasn't aware of the BBW thing, so he was just a guy who I worshipped because he was willing to pay attention to me.

Years later, we reunite, and it's different, but still very googly eyed for me. I was older, wiser, more sure of myself and my size, and my ability to be with someone who wants ALL of me (inside and out). I knew he'd been involved with many skinny women while we were apart, but figure he was just one of those "equal opportunity daters" we girls are always hearing from

We weren't getting serious, we were just have a nice little reunion. Well, one day while watching movies, he went on and on and on about how hot, sexy, amazing, perfect-womanish the actress was. Penelope Cruz.

It was like an anvil dropped on my head. It was the epitome of everything I knew but didn't want to voice. He liked my insides plenty, and thought I was very pretty, but I wasn't even in the REALM of his ideal. Over the next days we watched more tv, and I saw him react to the traditional, thin, conventionally pretty women.

It was horrible. I felt worthless, deceived (but not by his intention), and as though no matter what he felt for me, I would NEVER be the object of those looks from him. Having been the object of those looks from a past love, I knew I didn't want to live a life without them from the person I love.

So I don't.

*I'm done now, no more story time. Sorry!*
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Old 02-15-2006, 12:23 AM   #5
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It took me years before I could realize I should never try marrying (or dating regularly) anyone not my type. Fortunately, by then I had worked up an immunity to dating so it never became a problem. Well, not that kind of problem.
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Old 02-15-2006, 07:12 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by Zoom
It took me years before I could realize I should never try marrying (or dating regularly) anyone not my type. Fortunately, by then I had worked up an immunity to dating so it never became a problem. Well, not that kind of problem.
Is there a vaccination to help one build up that kind of immunity more quickly, by any chance?

One can only hope.
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Old 02-15-2006, 07:50 AM   #7
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I think part of the problem is that people AREN'T honest about it,or, as I've heard on this board and in real life, people seem to think that it's wrong to have a personal physical preference. There is nothing wrong with liking a certain body type and if you are not honest with yourself or a prospective partner then bad things can happen.

MadeFA, it's better than you've been honest with yourself and your g/f. It wouldn't have been fair to her OR you.
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Old 02-15-2006, 09:07 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by GunnDancer
I think part of the problem is that people AREN'T honest about it,or, as I've heard on this board and in real life, people seem to think that it's wrong to have a personal physical preference. There is nothing wrong with liking a certain body type and if you are not honest with yourself or a prospective partner then bad things can happen.

MadeFA, it's better than you've been honest with yourself and your g/f. It wouldn't have been fair to her OR you.
From what I heard, alot of people think that having physical preferences is wrong, because they believe it's shallow, and some people think it immoral.

From what I understand it comes from the belief that if your love for the other person is strong enough, it will surpass or overcome physical preference. And, that have physical preferences is giving in to your primative lusts, that some people class that as immortal as well.

Not saying it is right or wrong, that is just the common belief.

By the way, I am sorry you have a bad Valentine's day!
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Old 02-15-2006, 11:32 AM   #9
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From what I heard, alot of people think that having physical preferences is wrong, because they believe it's shallow, and some people think it immoral.
under the same logic and if you really think about it even being gay or streight could even count as shallow because of the physical preference part of it.
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Old 02-15-2006, 12:51 PM   #10
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Default I can relate

Its tough being with a woman that hates herself and frankly getting unbearable for me, so I can relate to what you are saying. My wife wont even let me see her in the light when she is disrobed during sex or going into the shower. Sex is a big part of a healthy relationship and if that element is being shunned by your partner because of your tastes or her dislike of herself,,eventually things will end.

Just let it go and find someone who fits your desires, but make sure she loves herself at the same time.
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Old 02-15-2006, 04:11 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by MadeFA
I basically wanted to get the opinions on here and see if anyone thinks it is worth fighting to save this loving, but lust-lacking, relationship... or I should just let go.
I have been in a spot like that before, only that relationship lasted 2 years! Not entirely happy years either, let me tell you... This person knew my preference, and even tried to accomodate it, but only ended up feeling like she wasn't following her own needs. It wasn't a real pleasant end, but it wasn't hurtful, just teary.

My advice would be to move on. Somewhere there is a girl who you'll connect with in the same way, but who will physically drive you crazy, too. I count myself very lucky to have found that person for myself. I'm sure you will, too - it's bound to happen when you're not even looking!

Good luck, sorry about your valentine's day.

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Old 02-16-2006, 08:20 AM   #12
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Its tough being with a woman that hates herself and frankly getting unbearable for me, so I can relate to what you are saying. My wife wont even let me see her in the light when she is disrobed during sex or going into the shower. Sex is a big part of a healthy relationship and if that element is being shunned by your partner because of your tastes or her dislike of herself,,eventually things will end.

Just let it go and find someone who fits your desires, but make sure she loves herself at the same time.
Of course, the problem with that the chances of find someone that fits your desires perfectly is low. So, people should be ready to give some leway on that.
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Old 02-16-2006, 02:38 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by AnnMarie
...Love is great, and it's a wonderful thing necessary to any relationship. But usually there needs to be more, and just as if I were with a guy who really lusted after thin chicks, but he loved me so he'd tolerate my body and could make love to me... it's just not the same.

Most people want to feel those lustful eyes on them as they do some mundane activity, or that nice grab of back fat (in my case... lol) from someone who is just checking in physically. There's a way a man touches you when he WANTS you, and there is another way they touch you when they're just with you.
You said it beautifully, AM. My own story also illustrates this, but kind of in a flip-flop way from MadeFA's situation.

I'd grown up hoping to find someone who would love me in spite of my weight. Then a wonderful thing happened when I first met my Frank. We were introduced and shook hands. He held on just that second longer than "proper." That moment will stick with me until the day I die. We've been married 3 years, and can hardly walk past each other without a touch that conveys everything from gentle love to raw desire, all at the same time.

MadeFA, your post tells us you are a loving man, who will someday find a fabulous relationship with the true woman of your dreams. Hope next year's Valentines is better for you.
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Old 02-16-2006, 06:04 PM   #14
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Dude, I am sorry to hear your relationship ended. I am certain you will find a woman who is right for you.
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Old 02-19-2006, 11:05 AM   #15
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It's really hard when someone isn't fully attracted to you, or as someone put it, tries to love you in spite of your weight. It's too damn hard, for both parties.

The last guy I was in love with, I thought we were headed down the long-term road..until one day he just ended it..completely out of the blue. A month later he was with someone who had not one ounce of fat on her.

She proceeded to tell me..many months later, that he left me because of my size. I never heard it from his mouth, and she could have been lying, but I'll never forget that feeling. That I lost, who I thought was the love of my life, because he wasn't attracted to me. We had been together a whole year and everytime he looked at me, or touched me..he was disgusted.

MadeFA..I know that you will be able to find a bbw to admire and love. I wish you all the best on your search
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Old 02-19-2006, 12:06 PM   #16
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[QUOTE=MadeFA]We were really in love though, I basically wanted to get the opinions on here and see if anyone thinks it is worth fighting to save this loving, but lust-lacking, relationship... or I should just let go.[QUOTE]

Let go. And that advice comes from personal experience. Five years ago I met a girl who captivated me like you couldn't believe. She was plump, at best...but couldn't be considered BBW at all. We were crazy about each other, and she was very pretty, but still way too small and I could never keep it up for her. The heavy stress I was under at the time may have had something to do with it, but still, I felt like I was missing out when I'd rub her belly and realize that it was half the size of what I was used to and what I preferred. Four hellish months followed, and I have the scars from self mutilation to prove it. I'll never deny myself like that again.
Since then I haven't bothered getting romantic with girls under 300lbs, and I suggest you do the same. Meddling around with thin women, as pretty as they are, can do us no good...no matter how well you care for her. Fat admiration will always bother her, and her lack of fat will always bother you. You tried, and hopefully you've learned.
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Old 02-19-2006, 09:25 PM   #17
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Wow. Some of the anecdotes in this thread are very sad.

And sorry to hear about your Valentine's Day.

Mind you, I call it S.A.D. and I hate holidays in general so... *walks off grumbling*
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Old 02-20-2006, 12:22 AM   #18
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Well to be honest, the only thin girl I've ever went out with was completely insane. And I'm not just saying that as hyperbole. I mean it, she was completely off her nut. We'd been going out for two DAYS, not even weeks, and she calls me up just as I get out of work to tell me she's going to kill herself! Two days! Damn. Then the next skinny girl I went out with was also nuts, but not quite as much, just a klepto and a liar. Basically we went on one day. She refused to let me take her to dinner, buy her ticket at the movie or even pay for anything, though I did offer, several times. THEN, once we got back from the date, she told everyone that I wouldn't pay for anything. Luckily everyone she told knew me pretty well and didn't believe her. Then she got picked up for robbery.

What was I talking about before this? OH! Anyway, you have to be true to yourself and true to the people you care about. It's great to be in love and really love someone, but I still hold by the belief that there are two parts to it. The physical part is ALWAYS going to come first in some fashion. Heck, thats typically what triggers you to go talk to someone in the first place in the more intimate sense. Why do you think so many guys get told their "good friends" or "you're just like a brother to me!". Phrases like that are a death sentence if you ask me. I've heard them enough. Anyway, after you get all the physical stuff out of the way, THEN you can still love someone, even after their face gets bitten off by an alligator.
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Old 02-20-2006, 01:18 AM   #19
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my GF knows full well that I prefer a woman with some meat on her bones, but she likes herself much better thin. I've told her that she is beautiful to me regardless (which is true, though sometimes I hanker for the extra 30 pounds she used to carry) - our sex life is and probably always will be very hot (just lucky in that regard I think, as we simply connect in that way).

So I think it depends on the woman and the relationship. MadeFA, If you did all you could to convince her that although you prefer a larger woman you still find her sexy, and that you crave contact with her, then it is totally on her if she couldn't find her way past the knowledge that her body was not your ideal. I dunno, I don't think that I would go breaking off a relationship with someone I was truly in love with simply because I felt that my body didn't turn him/her on.

Hope you find someone more secure and simpatico.
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Old 02-20-2006, 04:29 PM   #20
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I dunno, I don't think that I would go breaking off a relationship with someone I was truly in love with simply because I felt that my body didn't turn him/her on.
I would. No doubt about it. Relationships are 2 ways, you have to be enjoying it too. A little bit of pain is a lot better then years of suffering. If you look at your spouce and any part of you thinks, "I could have done better"..... that ain't right, no matter what the circimstances.

The only difference between a really really close friend, and a spouce, is the phsyical side of it. I mean really. So if you're not 100% satisfied with the other person's body, then just remain friends.

Well, 100% is a little harsh.... A body good enough to make you turn into lovy dovy mush with a boner when she does something hot.

And as Ladyrose has shown us, the right kinda body only gets better with age!
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Old 02-22-2006, 12:54 AM   #21
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and what's wrong with being married to your best friend?

There's more to life than sex .... or is there?

While we might want it all, passion wanes in even the best of relationships (I'm sure there are exceptions) - while a true friend, who understands and accepts you, warts and all, is to coin a phrase, priceless. In the end it's whatever you're willing to accept. If you perceive that the thrill is gone or that your body does not turn on your mate, you can decide to make that a big issue, or you can examine the other strengths of your relationship to determine if chucking a friendship over a sexual, or perceived sexual issue is worth it.

My point - if everything else in a long term relationship was working great (as originally posted) then it would appear that the lady involved was not making a serious enough effort to get over the point that her body wasn't of a type to make her mate lusty. Who knows, perhaps the sex was good between them prior to his admission, and possibly good thereafter until her little problem made it impossible for her to think of herself as sexy in his eyes (knowing what she now knew). If MadeFA was still actively persuing her then it's all a matter of her perception - although there could easily be more involved here that we don't know about.
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Old 02-22-2006, 11:22 AM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maxoutfa
and what's wrong with being married to your best friend?

There's more to life than sex .... or is there?

While we might want it all, passion wanes in even the best of relationships (I'm sure there are exceptions) - while a true friend, who understands and accepts you, warts and all, is to coin a phrase, priceless. In the end it's whatever you're willing to accept. If you perceive that the thrill is gone or that your body does not turn on your mate, you can decide to make that a big issue, or you can examine the other strengths of your relationship to determine if chucking a friendship over a sexual, or perceived sexual issue is worth it.

My point - if everything else in a long term relationship was working great (as originally posted) then it would appear that the lady involved was not making a serious enough effort to get over the point that her body wasn't of a type to make her mate lusty. Who knows, perhaps the sex was good between them prior to his admission, and possibly good thereafter until her little problem made it impossible for her to think of herself as sexy in his eyes (knowing what she now knew). If MadeFA was still actively persuing her then it's all a matter of her perception - although there could easily be more involved here that we don't know about.
I argee! There should be more involved in a relationship that sex.
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Old 02-22-2006, 08:50 PM   #23
pickleman357
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by maxoutfa
and what's wrong with being married to your best friend?

There's more to life than sex .... or is there?

While we might want it all, passion wanes in even the best of relationships (I'm sure there are exceptions) - while a true friend, who understands and accepts you, warts and all, is to coin a phrase, priceless. In the end it's whatever you're willing to accept. If you perceive that the thrill is gone or that your body does not turn on your mate, you can decide to make that a big issue, or you can examine the other strengths of your relationship to determine if chucking a friendship over a sexual, or perceived sexual issue is worth it.
Well, if you're not going to have sex wtih your best friend, then why marry? can't you have all that stuff without a ring?

But then again, I'm young and have never married so I know s*** all about this stuff. I'm just giving my POV

Quote:
My point - if everything else in a long term relationship was working great (as originally posted) then it would appear that the lady involved was not making a serious enough effort to get over the point that her body wasn't of a type to make her mate lusty. Who knows, perhaps the sex was good between them prior to his admission, and possibly good thereafter until her little problem made it impossible for her to think of herself as sexy in his eyes (knowing what she now knew). If MadeFA was still actively persuing her then it's all a matter of her perception - although there could easily be more involved here that we don't know about.
But you have to think what this would have done to the woman. How could she look at a guy she enjoyed kissing, and know that he thinks her body isn't ideal, or good-for-him, and feel the same way about herself?
Women like compliments, but insults will really hurt.
A woman staying with a guy that she knows her body isn't good enough for him* would be real damaging on her self esteem over time. that's a good way to sour a good relationship.

* - I'm going overboard a bit here, I know. But I find a lot of women take these things too far anyhow.
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Old 02-23-2006, 04:33 AM   #24
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Default What I don't get is...

Having read this thread (and MANY just like it in the past) my question is this....why are so many avowed, dyed in the wool FA's with skinny women to begin with?

To quote Ann Marie, are most men "equal opportunity daters" ?

I don't believe love should be based on appearances alone but we are all hardwired with certain preferences so why are men seemingly so able to sublimate these preferences to end up with the skinny girl rather than holding out for what they truly desire?

When I see so many lovely, intelligent, charming FAT chicks that are unattached (and so many men in their 40's married to skinny chicks and lusting after the fat ones) it breaks my heart!

I'm sad that you had such a crappy Valentine's day MadeFA but I believe itfyou had been truer to yourself from the start, you would be happier in the long run.
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Old 02-23-2006, 11:09 AM   #25
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I'm sure, PFG4U, that some will suggest that they find it quite improper to only consider 33-50% of the population as possible dating partners. That would much too limiting, you see, and they don't want to be seen as shallow. So they tough it out and prove their moral virtue by dating thin women and coming online to moan about how unfufilled they are while insisting that love has nothing to do with physical attraction. It is an internal battle which, to put it bluntly, men who are attacted to thin women rarely are provoked to put much consideration into. Certainly, they can easily get away with only dating thin women and no one ever thinking anything of it. Including themselves.

I see little reason to apologize for one's physical preferences. It serves little good. The notion of picking and choosing what is okay to like about a person doesn't seem very respectful. Both when you date someone because of their looks, and explicitly "in spite" of them. I don't feel limited in the least by seeking out someone I have a mental attraction to who happens to be fat. There are plenty of fat women out there, and I see little reason to think that there isn't one who I'll fall in love with. Indeed, I imagine there are quite a few I could well love. Given how many men refuse to consider fat women as mates to begin with, I'm just puzzled that men who actively desire such partners who willfully neglect such desires.
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