What if you child was gay?

[Ruffie]

I was reading responses to an article on our Gay Pride parade in the local newspaper and one fellow posted the comment:
Editorial Comment
"Every parent's fear is that their child might grow up to be gay.

I can tell you that when I see my kids exhibiting 'normal' behaviours about and towards the opposite sex, I breathe an immense sigh of relief because I know that life will be easier for them

The last thing I am going to do as a parent is expose them to 'alternative' lifestyles that potentially can lead them to confusion or straying from what I consider 'normal' development.

Am I being judgemental? You bet I am. "
It got me to thinking that there is definately that element as a a parent that life IS easier for them if they are heterosexual. And for that reason, a parent might hope that their children grow up straight. Does that mean that I won't accept one of my sons if they are gay-hell no! But I wonder if that hope that they are straight so life will be "easier for them" is maybe under it all a bit of prejudice or wanting them to fit in rather than be themselves. I mean after all the same could be said if our kids grow up thin rather than fat or wthout a physical or mental challenge. Does this perhaps show our own discrmination as a society that we would fear the idiviuality of our own children? Your thoughts?
Ruth

[Dr. Feelgood]

Originally Posted by Ruffie

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It got me to thinking that there is definately that element as a a parent that life IS easier for them if they are heterosexual. And for that reason, a parent might hope that their children grow up straight. Does that mean that I won't accept one of my sons if they are gay-hell no! But I wonder if that hope that they are straight so life will be "easier for them" is maybe under it all a bit of prejudice or wanting them to fit in rather than be themselves. I mean after all the same could be said if our kids grow up thin rather than fat or wthout a physical or mental challenge. Does this perhaps show our own discrmination as a society that we would fear the idiviuality of our own children? Your thoughts?
Ruth

Yes, it does show our discrimination as a society; we swim in our society's values the way fish swim in the sea. We as individuals may not all share those values: if we did, I wouldn't be writing this, and you wouldn't be reading it. But even if we are personally opposed to fatphobia or homophobia, doesn't every parent wish that his/her children could somehow be spared pain and suffering? That seems to me what underlies both the article and your response to it, Ruth; and it seems perfectly natural under those conditions.

[Fish]

The majority of people I've know in my life live by the mandate of fitting in. So it's no surprise that for some parents, the most vocal objection to the idea that their child might be gay is the concern that they'd have a hard time fitting in. It's depressing as all get out, but it's true. "Fitting in" is SO important to people that they'd rather they and their children and their children's children live LIES rather than risk non-conformity.

And this filtering process only gets narrower the more it's allowed to take root. It can start with as broad a focus as race or gender and get down to the names people give their kids in order to facilitate "Fitting in".

As adults, some of us learn that fitting in is not the end-all, be-all. But it's always going to be an issue, even in places like THIS that are, in many ways, all ABOUT fitting in. I mean, let's face it, even in a group of people who have collected over a mutual interest or factor of their lives (In this case, the BBW culture.) there are still facets and cliqués that will seperate people along narrower focused lines.

[Zandoz]

I have 3 non-biological daughters...one a step daughter by marriage, and 2 unofficially adopted but I consider them my daughters, and they consider me their papa. All three are BBWs...all three are in or have been in interracial relationships...one is openly bi, one is bi but does a poor job of trying to hide it, the other if she's not heterosexual I don't know about it. In other words all varying degrees of things that tend to make getting by not as easy as if they fit the nice neat molds that so many try to force everyone into. My reaction? I love them and support them in being what/how/who/with what ever makes them happy...period. Do they have to put up with crap that they shouldn't have to? Of course...and I'm here to help them get through that when ever and how ever they need the help. Would I rather they conform to get along? Not at the expense of their happiness.

[sweet&fat]

Is it easier for people if they correspond to all of what society deems positive (i.e. thin, otherwise conventionally attractive, intelligent, financially comfortable, etc)? Sure. But sometimes I wonder how much the cries of "I would hate if my child were gay because of how hard life would be for him/her" are cover for disappointment of the child being gay period. An analogy would be when people who are close to you say "we just worry about your health" as an excusable way to say the inexcusable "we hate that you're fat." Sure, there's a kernel of genuine concern in there, but it can be a convenient way to say things that aren't pretty or acceptable. It smacks of closed-mindedness. If you're worried about your child's struggle, how about doing everything possible to ensure that he/she feels as positive as possible in his/her own skin? These abstract haters will arrive soon enough. Why not focus on the good sense of self that could start at home?

ETA: Love the last quote- because we all know educating children always leads to no good. Go ignorance and fear!

[butch]

As far as fitting in is concerned, there are plenty of places in the US/Canada where fitting in if one is gay is no big deal, and I don't just mean places like the Castro or Manhattan or what have you. Plus, most people have no idea what behaviors 'gay kids' exhibit, so this father's relief that he's encouraging appropriate 'heterosexual behaviors' is stupid. If the guy in that article equates boys who don't act 'manly' enough with homosexuality, then he's a dumbass.

[tattooU]

Because i have no children it's hard for me to respond to this thread with parental experience, however, i'll share my childless two cents anyway.

i think that when most people have children, they plan out that life as if it was their own. They want prom queens, quaterbacks, lawyers, doctors and especially grandchildren. The fat girl probably isn't going to be a cheerleader and the effeminate gay boy isn't going to get that basketball scholarship to (insert favorite college here). i don't know how many backup plans that parents have, but i'm pretty sure none involve their daughter getting mistaken for a boy and living with her girlfriend Jill.

Sure, being gay is probably a tough way to grow up....but so is being fat, being a racial minority, being smart, wearing glasses, being tall...the list goes on and on. Perhaps it's the fear of not knowing how to support their child. While a japanese couple can teach their child about their culture and be proud of their differences, a straight couple knows probably little about the GLBT community, nor do they probably care to know. i still think there is a strong belief in the fairytale that people choose to be gay.....so there might be the reaction that "if we ignore it, it will go away".

But all of this is rambling and speculation. It's extremely PC to say "i hope that little Jimmy doesn't grow up to be gay, life will be so tough" as opposed to saying "i hope little Jimmy doesn't grow up to be gay, life will be so tough for ME".

[D_A_Bunny]

My husband and I were never blessed with children of our own. However we do have nieces and nephews that we are very close with. We have had this conversation about "our" children as far as being gay, bi-sexual or being in an inter-racial relationship (as one is now). We love them no matter what they are or who they are. We only care that they are healthy and happy. When they find love, it does not matter who with, as long as the other person is good to them.

Unfortunately some of the real parents to these children are not as open-minded as we are. Part of them might believe that if these really were our children that we would feel differently. That is not the case. My husband and I feel like the odd ones out most of the time anyway and decided a long time ago not to judge others since we ourselves do not want to be judged.

So we support our "love" children and they always know that they have a safe harbor with us if and when they need it. Plus we have worked long and hard to support them in their decisions in front of their parents as well as helping the parents to realize that there are worst things in the world that could happen to your child, other than choosing a partner that they themselves may not have chosen.

[Tad]

Wow, out of all the things you can worry about as a parent.....how does this even register? Of course you think about it, in a 'what if' sort of way....my wife and I certainly had this discussion when he was a baby, or maybe when she was expecting, in the 'consider all possibilities' sort of approach. But not as a worry, more as a "since this is a possibility, how do we make sure we are alert for it and let him know that it is OK, if that is who he is?"

Then again, we live in Soviet Canuckistan, home of all that is unholy and liberal Come to think of it, my son has been to two weddings since he was old enough to have any shot of remembering them at all, and one was that of the lesbian parents of one of his school-mates. So maybe it would not seem so strange to him? But right now he is at that age where any mention of romance of any sort is an instant "gross, I don't want to hear this, LA-LA-LA-LA!" type of reaction.

[ashmamma84]

You know, I've had this conversation with my parents, because I am gay...and my Father has long said, he just doesn't give a damn. As long as I wasn't killing babies and old people...I was alright with him. My Mother told me that every parent has ideas about who their child will be and yes, that even means that most think their child will be hetero. When I came out, I think it was a shock to her (mostly because I don't fit the dyke stereotype) and because she'd built up these ideas about my life, who I'd be with, who I'd marry...and when the fantasy didn't mesh with reality, it left her sort of broken, I think.

She has long since gotten over her issue and both of my parents are incredibly supportive of me and my partner. They feel like, love is so hard to come by you need to nuture it wherever you see a blossom.

I wouldn't give a damn if my kids were gay...that would be like me breathing a sigh of relief if they weren't fat/disabled/or anything else.

[Les Toil]

I was blessed with being born in the most liberal area in the world, the San Francisco/Berkeley Bay Area and have been sold on their credo that health, happiness and acceptance are the main concerns. And since intolerance obviously hinders health and happiness and is the polar opposite of acceptance, you can imagine how I stand on this issue.

[LillyBBBW]

I don't have any children. I'm living vicariously through my sister and her son who will be a year next week! I enjoy interacting with him, talking with him, teaching him things and buying him rediculous toys. What I enjoy most is learning from him, discovering who he is and what makes him tick. The idea that he may be gay crosses my mind a great deal not because I'm worried that life is going to be hard for him. I want to project as positive a message as I can so that he will be confident in who he is, and that he can be around his family without being ashamed, fearful or reluctant to be himself. If he can announce to me he's gay just the same as he would announce that he prefers his eggs sunny side up rather than scrambled I feel I've done my job. Being gay doesn't require any special anything nor does it mean a person is marked and I refuse to behave as if it is. At least not in our family. And I will do my best to make sure that my nephew can stand tall and look anybody in the eye. Maybe I'd feel differently if it were my own kids but I don't think so. Gay, bi, straight - nothing changes.

[Hawksmoor]

While I agree with everyone's comments thusfar, I'm going to approach this from a slightly different angle. I'm sure in many cases you could accurately correlate a parent's wish that his or her child not grow up to be gay with bigotry and ignorance, but I wouldn't necessarily assume that right off the bat.

Imagine, if you will, that you are the parent of a child that has suffered greatly and or lives with a disability that makes his or her life far more arduous than the average child's. In such a situation couldn't a parent's hope that their child be heterosexual simply be an expression of love insofar as wanting their child to avoid any additional hardship? Regardless, as numerous people have already pointed out, it's still vitally important to reassure your children that you love them no matter what.

[fatgirlflyin]

Originally Posted by Ruffie

I was reading responses to an article on our Gay Pride parade in the local newspaper and one fellow posted the comment:
Editorial Comment
"Every parent's fear is that their child might grow up to be gay.

I can tell you that when I see my kids exhibiting 'normal' behaviours about and towards the opposite sex, I breathe an immense sigh of relief because I know that life will be easier for them

The last thing I am going to do as a parent is expose them to 'alternative' lifestyles that potentially can lead them to confusion or straying from what I consider 'normal' development.

Am I being judgemental? You bet I am. "
It got me to thinking that there is definately that element as a a parent that life IS easier for them if they are heterosexual. And for that reason, a parent might hope that their children grow up straight. Does that mean that I won't accept one of my sons if they are gay-hell no! But I wonder if that hope that they are straight so life will be "easier for them" is maybe under it all a bit of prejudice or wanting them to fit in rather than be themselves. I mean after all the same could be said if our kids grow up thin rather than fat or wthout a physical or mental challenge. Does this perhaps show our own discrmination as a society that we would fear the idiviuality of our own children? Your thoughts?
Ruth

I dont care if my children are gay or straight. I hope that they find someone who loves them unconditionally and treats them like the treasures that they are. Relationships are hard, plain and simple. Being in a heterosexual relationship doesn't mean its more likely to be a healthy, happy relationship, and hopefully I'm raising my children with a healthy enough out look on life and instilling enough self esteem in them that the thoughts of others will not matter to them.

[Miss Vickie]

I have three kids who are 16, 18 and 21. Two girls. One boy. It's something I've thought about off and on, because I have friends who are gay, but not with any great concern or worry. As far as I'm concerned, as long as my kids are happy and with someone who loves them as much as I do, then I'm a happy camper. I really don't care what gender or size the person is, how much money they make, as long as they treat my child with the respect and love that they deserve.

Obviously I want grandkids, but they don't have to be genetically related to me in order for me to love them.

[bexy]

Originally Posted by Ella Bella

I dont care if my children are gay or straight. I hope that they find someone who loves them unconditionally and treats them like the treasures that they are. Relationships are hard, plain and simple. Being in a heterosexual relationship doesn't mean its more likely to be a healthy, happy relationship, and hopefully I'm raising my children with a healthy enough out look on life and instilling enough self esteem in them that the thoughts of others will not matter to them.

ella, repping you isnt enough for this. WONDERFUL post and my sentiments on the subject exactly.

[ashmamma84]

Originally Posted by Hawksmoor

While I agree with everyone's comments thusfar, I'm going to approach this from a slightly different angle. I'm sure in many cases you could accurately correlate a parent's wish that his or her child not grow up to be gay with bigotry and ignorance, but I wouldn't necessarily assume that right off the bat.

Imagine, if you will, that you are the parent of a child that has suffered greatly and or lives with a disability that makes his or her life far more arduous than the average child's. In such a situation couldn't a parent's hope that their child be heterosexual simply be an expression of love insofar as wanting their child to avoid any additional hardship? Regardless, as numerous people have already pointed out, it's still vitally important to reassure your children that you love them no matter what.

I get what you are saying. I have a friend who is gay (and transgendered) and she said she hopes that her children are hetero so they won't have to go through what she's been through (constant staring/being turned down for jobs).

Instead of wishing that...I'll wish society in a better place and in a different mind set. And hey, it's hard for most people...everyone has to face some sort of challenge in life whether you are fat, black, gay (funny, I'm all three!) or whatever...there are people who have lived through the hell and are here to tell the tale, so while I can understand some parents might feel like its an expression of love; sometimes parents have to give up a bit of control.

[BLUEeyedBanshee]

Well...I usually don't chime in much around here, but saw this thread and couldn't pass it up.

My daughter came out to me this past Fall/Winter. My initial reaction is exactly how I felt. I love her no matter what. Yes I realize that there are people who will criticize her (including members of my family) and I told her that if and when she was comfortable with letting them know, if they say or do anything to her, she will see me being the biggest a$$hole she has ever seen.

I can't protect her from all hatred. But I can and will protect her from as much as possible. I can and will take her to pride parades when she wants to go (missed the one a few weekends ago)

No matter what, she is my child and I love her no matter who she decides she's interested in dating. I just feel blessed that she is comfortable enough with me to be open and can talk to me about anything.

[HottiMegan]

I have had conversations like this with my husband about our son. I really don't care or fear if he is gay. I will feel fear as to how society will treat him. He has a few great guys to look up to who are openly gay and have been for quite a few years. I know the pain that they have suffered at the hands of bigots and that is my only fear is the pain he will feel at the hands of others. My main wish is that my boys will be happy, loved and safe as they grow older.

My father in law, uncle in law and my father in law's ex are all very much in my son's life and they will be great examples for him to turn to as men who are out and proud. I just hope, that if the time comes, society will be a little more advanced than it is now.

[Hawksmoor]

Originally Posted by ashmamma84

I get what you are saying. I have a friend who is gay (and transgendered) and she said she hopes that her children are hetero so they won't have to go through what she's been through (constant staring/being turned down for jobs).

In a situation like that I think her reaction is only normal. Being gay in our society is definitely harder than being heterosexual; I don't think that's even debatable. I don't have any kids, but I do think I have some insight into this particular topic because I happen to be bi and have had to deal with more obstacles than the average person, especially in the earlier part of my life.

Knowing the pain I have felt and endured, some of which has been a result of being an FA and being bi, I can easily see myself wishing for my kids to be straight if and when I have any. At the same time, I think I would quickly put that wish aside and simply try and nurture them and encourage them to be the people they want and need to be. It's definitely a tricky issue and not nearly as clear cut as a lot of the responses in this thread have made it out to be IMHO.

Instead of wishing that...I'll wish society in a better place and in a different mind set.

Excellent wish, but not one I'm particularly optimistic about. When ignorance and hatred flourish as they do in many places within our society (Fox News comes to mind) I find myself struggling to see much hope that mankind will raise its social consciousness higher than it is now. Progress is slower than I'd like anyway.

And hey, it's hard for most people...everyone has to face some sort of challenge in life whether you are fat, black, gay (funny, I'm all three!) or whatever...there are people who have lived through the hell and are here to tell the tale, so while I can understand some parents might feel like its an expression of love; sometimes parents have to give up a bit of control.

You're right, and difficulties are an inherent part of life itself. That doesn't mean, however, that we shouldn't wish for fewer obstacles and less pain for ourselves and our loved ones. I happen to believe that a moderate amount of hardship and pain is actually beneficial to individual growth, but too much can be disastrous. How many kids each year kill themselves because they are ostracized for being fat, gay, depressed, etc.? To wish that someone you loved, especially a child, not be subjected to such viciousness isn't an expression of intolerance but of love.

It is true though that parents do need to abdicate a good bit of control over their children to allow them to grow. Smothering a kid and trying to regulate every aspect of their lives is unhealthy for the parents and the kid; plus, you can't protect your kids from life no matter how much you may want to. I guess in the final analysis it's a tenuous balance to try and maintain and one that defies any convention or formulaic approach.

[Ruby Ripples]

Originally Posted by HottiMegan

I have had conversations like this with my husband about our son. I really don't care or fear if he is gay. I will feel fear as to how society will treat him. He has a few great guys to look up to who are openly gay and have been for quite a few years. I know the pain that they have suffered at the hands of bigots and that is my only fear is the pain he will feel at the hands of others. My main wish is that my boys will be happy, loved and safe as they grow older.

My father in law, uncle in law and my father in law's ex are all very much in my son's life and they will be great examples for him to turn to as men who are out and proud. I just hope, that if the time comes, society will be a little more advanced than it is now.

This is exactly how I feel about my son too. I've seen the prejudice that one of my sisters has had to endure, and as a parent I would obviously hate to think of my son having to go through similar.

[mergirl]

well, it might well be easier for a human if they were white,male,straight and all the other things that tend to make life easier in western society but even if you happen to be all these things doesnt mean your life is going to be any easier..Everyone goes through difficulties to some extent. I think Mainly it IS easier now for gay people than it was even 10 years ago..but then that would depend on where you live, your social network and how your were treated as you were growing up etc.
I think the editor of your paper should be less worried about the potential problems that thier hypothetical gay kids might have and concentrate more on trying thier hardest not to fuck up thier kids themselves. Most of the people i know that have the worst "problems" are usually from families where they have not been supported, been abused etc.. i also have gay friends who are the most sorted and secure people i know..who have come from a loving family and have a good support network..though i know messed up people gay and straight..
I do think that people should worry less about thier kids being gay because being gay is something that is much more accepted now than it was a generation ago.. and hopefully it will be even more so in future generations and we wont even need to debate this anymore.. whoot! that would be great!!

xmer

[Canonista]

Gay or straight, the kinds of relationship my son will have will reflect the examples I've shown him.

Ultimately, yeah, I want grandkids. Still, though, I want him to grow up and have a happy, healthy relationship with the partner of his choosing. I'd accept him and his chosen mate regardless their sex.

[Les Toil]

Originally Posted by Miss Vickie

Obviously I want grandkids, but they don't have to be genetically related to me in order for me to love them.

Right on.......

[The Orange Mage]

So, do we mean normal gay or OH MY GOD HERE THEY COME gay? :P

But seriously, I wouldn't have a problem with it. I might have to rearrange my expectations a little bit in regards to raising the child, but other than that it's no big deal.