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Old 07-08-2008, 06:47 PM   #1
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Default A question

Because I haven't posted much in this section of Dims, I will give a little background on myself and the relationship in question.

I am your typical male FA, always been attracted to bigger girls, was in denial, finally "came out" and am now in a happy relationship with a girl I have know (and dated) for almost three years and she is rapidly becoming a gorgeous BBW. She has known of my attraction for almost two years and while she didn't exactly gain for me she greatly relaxed her eating habits (as a result of my revealing my attraction.) She maintains an active lifestyle she doesn't diet and so has gained weight putting her at around 230.

And we reach the question at hand, she wants to be the weight she weighed when we met (around 165) because she feels she would be happy at that weight (even though she wasn't at the time that she was at that weight). She doesn't dislike being bigger for any practical reason (believe me I have made sure to establish that before even considering coming to you all, health, body comfort, even [for the most part] what other people think; she either doesn't care about or is happy with) but only feels uncomfortable because of the societal perception that big isn't beautiful. I have brought her to Dimensions, I have introduced her to other FA's and BBw's, I have told her countless times how beautiful she is. She accepts that I find her beautiful but can't believe herself. To answer this question before it gets asked, I would not leave her if she lost weight, I would still love her and support her as much as I do now. And even while I would no longer be aroused by her I would still make every effort to please her in any other way and she knows this all. She wants me to be attracted to her and to be aroused by her and I am extremely happy with her the way she is now. I know that isn't exactly a specific question and I aplogize for the rambling but if anyone has any input it would be greatly appreciated.

P.S. Oh, she is 20 and I am 19, I know that may have something to do with her being unable to come to terms with big being beautiful.
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Old 07-12-2008, 12:38 PM   #2
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No one can make her accept herself but HER. That's the bottom line. If she is unhappy at the weight she is at, then she is unhappy. The most you can do is support her in what she chooses to do with HER body.

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And even while I would no longer be aroused by her I would still make every effort to please her in any other way and she knows this all.
This is just my opinion, so you can take it or leave it, BUT if you would no longer be aroused by her, then it's time to call it quits. I could not (and will not) stay with a man who is not aroused by my appearance, whether he says he loves me or not or whether he's willing to please me "in every other way". I've LIVED with a man trying to "please me in every other way" for 6 years. Bottom line: Sex is important to a relationship. It's not the number one thing, but it is the glue that bonds two people together. If you cannot be aroused by her and sex would be begrudging for you, then let her go so she can find someone who will be aroused by her. She doesn't need to live the way I have. No one deserves that.
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Old 07-12-2008, 01:07 PM   #3
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I don't know your girlfriend, but it seems to me that gaining close to 70 pounds is a lot more than just relaxing your eating habits.

One thing you can often find here is people saying they really really like being fat. Think Ivy. I honestly think some people are more than just ok with it, they honestly are sexually aroused by being fat and/or they feel better, sexier, and more comfortable in their own skin and with their own bodies when they're bigger. I know 2 men in real life who intentionally gained and they both love it.

I'm wondering if it's possible this is the situation with her? I'm not saying she may have intentionally gained, but 70 pounds seems quite a lot and while you don't sound like an agressive feeder, it might certainly prime the pump so to speak if she gets lots of positive reinforcement from her boyfriend when her body changes. Maybe in her mind it's like "Ok, I get to eat tons of the food i like and my boyfriend is that much hotter for me. what's the downside?"

OTOH, if she genuinely is not happy, I agree you should support her in doing what it takes to be happy. Ultimately, if she does or does not lose weight it is her choice. If she doesn't, don't feel guilty about continuing to adore her larger figure.
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Old 07-12-2008, 06:22 PM   #4
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This subject has always intrigued me, and I have a question for the original poster. You say you met her at 165 pounds, correct? Were you aroused by her back in the day? I'm assuming so, as I don't think the relationship would have progressed if you were not.

If so, may I ask if her "raising the weight bar" for you for the period of time she gained has now ruined your sexual attraction to her at the lower weight?

Finally, while I think age has little to do with relationships, I believe that love does, and I am wondering if this is truly a loving relationship, or only a sexual one.

Get back to me on this.
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Old 07-12-2008, 06:22 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by OneHauteMama View Post
No one can make her accept herself but HER. That's the bottom line. If she is unhappy at the weight she is at, then she is unhappy. The most you can do is support her in what she chooses to do with HER body.



This is just my opinion, so you can take it or leave it, BUT if you would no longer be aroused by her, then it's time to call it quits. I could not (and will not) stay with a man who is not aroused by my appearance, whether he says he loves me or not or whether he's willing to please me "in every other way". I've LIVED with a man trying to "please me in every other way" for 6 years. Bottom line: Sex is important to a relationship. It's not the number one thing, but it is the glue that bonds two people together. If you cannot be aroused by her and sex would be begrudging for you, then let her go so she can find someone who will be aroused by her. She doesn't need to live the way I have. No one deserves that.
Thank you for the input first of all. Our relationship is unconventional at best, we are in an open relationship so even if I was no longer interested in her sexually, it wouldn't be an issue as much as in a closed relationship. The same goes for her. Also, I am deeply aroused by giving pleasure to a partner, so much so that that fact alone has fueled me through most of my past sexual relationships. So, any sexual deviance that we still partook in if she did lose weight would never be begrudging on my part.
And I fully agree that no one should have to live in a "guilt sex" relationship. Even when she was much thinner I could spend hours blissfully sating her sexual hunger via "other methods". I mean no offense but it seems to me that perhaps your partner of six years was maybe less talented at "other methods" than he thought.
Once again, thank you very much for your response.
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Old 07-12-2008, 06:30 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by LoveBHMS View Post
I don't know your girlfriend, but it seems to me that gaining close to 70 pounds is a lot more than just relaxing your eating habits.

One thing you can often find here is people saying they really really like being fat. Think Ivy. I honestly think some people are more than just ok with it, they honestly are sexually aroused by being fat and/or they feel better, sexier, and more comfortable in their own skin and with their own bodies when they're bigger. I know 2 men in real life who intentionally gained and they both love it.

I'm wondering if it's possible this is the situation with her? I'm not saying she may have intentionally gained, but 70 pounds seems quite a lot and while you don't sound like an agressive feeder, it might certainly prime the pump so to speak if she gets lots of positive reinforcement from her boyfriend when her body changes. Maybe in her mind it's like "Ok, I get to eat tons of the food i like and my boyfriend is that much hotter for me. what's the downside?"

OTOH, if she genuinely is not happy, I agree you should support her in doing what it takes to be happy. Ultimately, if she does or does not lose weight it is her choice. If she doesn't, don't feel guilty about continuing to adore her larger figure.
Thank you for your response, you have some very intriguing input. For her, relaxing her eating habits was a big thing, she was borderline anorexic when we began dating, she had just come off the cusp of having her hair start falling out (I know 165 doesn't sound borderline anorexic at all but it truly was, she ate less than 1,000 calories a day and would go two or three days without eating until she would start to see the room spinning.) So, with a healthy appetite for fruits, vegetables, pasta and ice cream rekindled and me being very supportive I can certainly see what you are getting at. I must say that if she truly does enjoy it beneath the societal facade that it would be.. most joyous indeed. Thank you LoveBHMs, you are awesome as always.
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Old 07-12-2008, 06:39 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by wrestlingguy View Post
This subject has always intrigued me, and I have a question for the original poster. You say you met her at 165 pounds, correct? Were you aroused by her back in the day? I'm assuming so, as I don't think the relationship would have progressed if you were not.

If so, may I ask if her "raising the weight bar" for you for the period of time she gained has now ruined your sexual attraction to her at the lower weight?

Finally, while I think age has little to do with relationships, I believe that love does, and I am wondering if this is truly a loving relationship, or only a sexual one.

Get back to me on this.
First of all, thank you for taking the time to comment. As I stated in a previous response, I am deeply aroused by fulfilling a partners sexual needs. This is how our sexual relationship began, she was a virgin so there were many wonderful things to introduce her to. And while her weight gain has certainly solidified my sexual attraction to her I will always love the ins and outs of exactly what gets her off and how she reacts and responds. It is indeed a loving relationship, as it would have swiftly deteriorated as a sexual one considering that she has only recently reached a weight I am attracted to. She has also moved many hours away during the course of our relationship, one and a half school years apart and virtually sexless during that time due to conflicting schedules (albeit many naughty phone conversations.) So, I am rather sure that it is just a wee bit more than a sexual relationship.
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Old 07-12-2008, 07:48 PM   #8
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Default A few thoughts....

I think your situation is kind of tough.... I can sort of relate, myself, having gotten out of a relationship not that long ago with a gal who underwent gastric bypass surgery not that long before I met her.

She was on this kick of how "great" she was going to look after all the weight came off, but the reality that was quickly setting in for her was a little bit different. She was losing weight in all the "wrong places" (breasts, for example), and didn't like the flabby skin that was resulting from it either.

In reality, she really just wanted the WLS because she had made her own mind up that she was "unhealthy" and "might even die in a few years" if she didn't have it done. Nevermind the fact she had no health issues or anything.... (It's not tough to find a doctor who will happily agree with all such assertions either, in today's climate.)

She even acknowledged, on several occasions, that I probably would have "really liked the way she looked before I met her" (knowing I liked bigger women) ... yet at the same time, she wasn't willing to admit to herself that perhaps the WLS wasn't such a good idea.

So I felt really "trapped". I wasn't going to leave her or anything, even knowing she was probably just going to continue losing weight as our relationship went on. But at the same time, she kept getting further and further away from the physical body type I would normally have preferred -- and she didn't even seem totally happy about it either.

In the end, we broke up anyway, for other reasons - so it ceased being an issue for me to deal with. But my only conclusion? It's a "lose, lose" deal for a guy, if the woman you're with isn't comfortable in her own skin. If you make suggestions she'd be "ok" doing anything counter to "peer pressure", you're disliked as being part of the problem. If you don't, you're not being honest about YOUR real interests and beliefs - and it'll lead to some unhappiness too.


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Originally Posted by eyesforyou View Post
Because I haven't posted much in this section of Dims, I will give a little background on myself and the relationship in question.

I am your typical male FA, always been attracted to bigger girls, was in denial, finally "came out" and am now in a happy relationship with a girl I have know (and dated) for almost three years and she is rapidly becoming a gorgeous BBW. She has known of my attraction for almost two years and while she didn't exactly gain for me she greatly relaxed her eating habits (as a result of my revealing my attraction.) She maintains an active lifestyle she doesn't diet and so has gained weight putting her at around 230.

And we reach the question at hand, she wants to be the weight she weighed when we met (around 165) because she feels she would be happy at that weight (even though she wasn't at the time that she was at that weight). She doesn't dislike being bigger for any practical reason (believe me I have made sure to establish that before even considering coming to you all, health, body comfort, even [for the most part] what other people think; she either doesn't care about or is happy with) but only feels uncomfortable because of the societal perception that big isn't beautiful. I have brought her to Dimensions, I have introduced her to other FA's and BBw's, I have told her countless times how beautiful she is. She accepts that I find her beautiful but can't believe herself. To answer this question before it gets asked, I would not leave her if she lost weight, I would still love her and support her as much as I do now. And even while I would no longer be aroused by her I would still make every effort to please her in any other way and she knows this all. She wants me to be attracted to her and to be aroused by her and I am extremely happy with her the way she is now. I know that isn't exactly a specific question and I aplogize for the rambling but if anyone has any input it would be greatly appreciated.

P.S. Oh, she is 20 and I am 19, I know that may have something to do with her being unable to come to terms with big being beautiful.
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Old 02-14-2009, 10:35 PM   #9
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It's very possible to gain 20 lbs relatively quickly when you're getting over an ED. In fact, it's common because your body's been in a constant starvation mode. I've yet to hear of anyone recovering from Anorexia and losing weight at the same time.

It's no indicator whatsoever that he's being an "aggressive" feeder. Which, by the way, is a terrible description. He was stating his concern, not his disgust. If he were truly "aggressive", there would be no advice to take but his own. And I'm sure he wouldn't be sitting here pleading with you to offer him advice, only so you can slap a label onto his hypothetical forehead.

But regardless, the point of this post was to offer MY advice, not to rant about someone's terribly idiotic comment.

If she wasn't happy with her body at 165 lbs, if she's not happy with her body now, she's not going to like her body tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next day after that. Weight loss is only a FACTOR in improving a persons self esteem (and that is assuming you have a logical outlook on what you can achieve in the first place, which she doesn't.) The main factor is loving yourself for exactly what you are. If you don't love who you are right now, no amount of physical self improvement is going to hide what you don't like about yourself later.
You also mention that you weren't attracted to her when she was "smaller". If physical attraction is absent in a relationship, it ends up being a friendship. And that's all it'll ever be. You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone you're hardwired not to find appealing. You CAN however, start looking for women who you DO find attractive, and pursue healthy relationships with them instead. The point is, this is no longer a romantic relationship. You're dating your friend, and the end result is that you're depriving yourself of what you want and need in a relationship, and you're holding onto her because you're afraid you wont find any better.
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Old 02-15-2009, 02:26 PM   #10
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It's very possible to gain 20 lbs relatively quickly when you're getting over an ED. In fact, it's common because your body's been in a constant starvation mode. I've yet to hear of anyone recovering from Anorexia and losing weight at the same time.

It's no indicator whatsoever that he's being an "aggressive" feeder. Which, by the way, is a terrible description. He was stating his concern, not his disgust. If he were truly "aggressive", there would be no advice to take but his own. And I'm sure he wouldn't be sitting here pleading with you to offer him advice, only so you can slap a label onto his hypothetical forehead.

But regardless, the point of this post was to offer MY advice, not to rant about someone's terribly idiotic comment.

If she wasn't happy with her body at 165 lbs, if she's not happy with her body now, she's not going to like her body tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next day after that. Weight loss is only a FACTOR in improving a persons self esteem (and that is assuming you have a logical outlook on what you can achieve in the first place, which she doesn't.) The main factor is loving yourself for exactly what you are. If you don't love who you are right now, no amount of physical self improvement is going to hide what you don't like about yourself later.
You also mention that you weren't attracted to her when she was "smaller". If physical attraction is absent in a relationship, it ends up being a friendship. And that's all it'll ever be. You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone you're hardwired not to find appealing. You CAN however, start looking for women who you DO find attractive, and pursue healthy relationships with them instead. The point is, this is no longer a romantic relationship. You're dating your friend, and the end result is that you're depriving yourself of what you want and need in a relationship, and you're holding onto her because you're afraid you wont find any better.
Ah but you know as well as I love that I a, unique in that I can love without attraction, I believe we spoke of this just on friday. None the less, I am currently dating you and I am, in fact, VERY attracted to you and so ultimately this thread is resolved. And thank you for standing up for me as well, I am happy to say that you know me as the person I am. I love you.
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