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Old 09-03-2008, 02:20 PM   #26
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I am a burrower,have been for years. Have very little use for human interaction. More or less a loner. I do spend time with my children and g'daughter but as to going out to be in a crowd,no thanks.

All of that started years ago before I was diagnosed with depression. I have never been one that like being in a very large group of people. Some times posting on these boards bother me. A lot of it has to do with the way I was treated as a child. I was treated badly by a lot of racists people and told how worthless I was by them. Plus being naturally shy didn't help either. I am one of those people that can go to a party and sit all night without talking to anyone.

I have tried breaking this habit. I now purposely talk to strangers in the store so I wont be so closed off.
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Old 09-03-2008, 02:46 PM   #27
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I am a burrower,have been for years. Have very little use for human interaction. More or less a loner. I do spend time with my children and g'daughter but as to going out to be in a crowd,no thanks.

All of that started years ago before I was diagnosed with depression. I have never been one that like being in a very large group of people. Some times posting on these boards bother me. A lot of it has to do with the way I was treated as a child. I was treated badly by a lot of racists people and told how worthless I was by them. Plus being naturally shy didn't help either. I am one of those people that can go to a party and sit all night without talking to anyone.

I have tried breaking this habit. I now purposely talk to strangers in the store so I wont be so closed off.
Not everyone needs a lot of interaction. And an awful lot of communication is complete and utter drivel as anyone who has watched their teenage daughter texting on a cellphone can attest. Actually that reminds me of the time when I picked my daughter and her boyfriend up from a party. Things seemed a bit quiet but I could hear the tap-tappity-tap in the back seat. Turned out they had been having an argument by text while they sat next to each other

One of the things I have come to accept/believe is that the truth of what you really are is no less than the truth of what anyone else is. We tend to cover this up with doubts and other useless stuff. If we can reduce all that destructive thought, then meeting the world gets a lot more productive and enjoyable.

But I think you also get to choose where and when. We went to my son's flat-warming party last weekend and lasted exactly 43 minutes. Music so loud it was making my pants vibrate, and a bunch of twenty-somethings trying to get as drunk as possible as quick as possible; not my idea of a good time.
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Old 09-03-2008, 03:27 PM   #28
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Thanks for sharing your problem with us. I struggle with depression too. I used to be embarassed to say that to anyone because of the stigma that is attached to the word "depression".
I can't speak for anyone else, but for me it was finding something I have a passion for that is leading me to a better place. I always try to use my hands on a project (scrapbooking, painting) it gets me involved, keeps my brain busy, and stops me from thinking about the things that make me feel sad.
For me--my depression stems from not having much optimism about my future--so I try to do things that will give me a feeling of accomplishment. I find that keeping my mind, body and spirit moving...even reading, or taking a walk to the park for a break from it all usually leaves me feeling more refreshed and a bit more capable of dealing with the depressing thoughts that permeate my mind.
I suggest that you thrown away the jack daniels because alcohol only masks the problems and numbs you to it for a little while. When you wake up the next morning those issues are still there..only now you have a hangover to add to it.
I hope that you are feeling better.

Last edited by Lovelyone; 09-03-2008 at 03:28 PM. Reason: grammatical errors...dontcha know?
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Old 09-05-2008, 06:44 AM   #29
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Thank you all!
For everyone who has written about their own depression, the suggestions to me and to others, thank you. I am actually... and I feel weird writing this... moved, by all the response.

Last night was pretty bad for me... and I did a very stupid thing: I drank. Half a bottle whiskey, and fell asleep. It's not my proudest moment... and I was so looking forward to John McCain's speech and everything last night... and missed it because I had been drinking and fell asleep. I feel really bad about it, and I hope you don't mind me writing it here.
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Old 09-05-2008, 08:08 AM   #30
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Try to not beat yourself up too much about drinking. Everyone makes mistakes. There's no reason to feel badly about writing it here! Just try to learn from it and move on. It's a new day, so try to focus on doing things differently today.
I realize this is easier said than done, but keep in mind that things will get better. Hang in there. Remember that many of us here know what you are going through, and we're here to listen. Hopefully today is going better for you.
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Old 09-10-2008, 10:14 PM   #31
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I am dealing with the same thing. I just wanted to tell you I admire your bravery for talking about this. I wish when I was younger I dealt with it and maybe I wouldn't still be struggling today. And also for doing it in the open. Just bringing it up will comfort others in knowing they are not alone. Don't give up and quit whatever regiment you are on. Not trying to tell you what to do just relaying my regrets. That's why I made so many mistakes. Quitting over and over again. Now I am 35 and still in the same place. I am still hanging on. Things are just harder for some of us but not impossible. I wish you much strength and encouragement. You are being thought about
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Old 09-14-2008, 07:31 AM   #32
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Add me to the list of chronic depressives. This year has been particularly bad for me; I'm wrestling with my 3rd major down episode in a year.

After 12 years, Wellbutrin has pretty much stopped working for me. I'm in the queue to see a psychiatrist (my PGP pretty much begged me to see a specialist in psychotropic meds), but the waiting list for new patients is long. So I have to hang on till mid-October.

I don't know why I -- or anyone else -- was "blessed" with this condition, because living with it stinks. But maybe it's just a side effect of a real gift. Call it an excess of empathy, in a world that has far too little of it. Then perhaps we are the "canaries in a coal mine" of modern dysfunctional society.

By now, you see that you are not alone. It helps me to think of myself as having a serious, chronic medical condition, and one that's now recognized as such. (Although ignorance, superstition, & prejudice regarding it still abound!) It's sort of a "hidden disability", which makes it all the harder for others to understand and accept. But it is very, very real, nonetheless.

Try and be as gentle with yourself as you can. Like I said, you're not alone...
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Old 09-14-2008, 09:17 AM   #33
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Default Confession

I have also been poisoned with depression,and although it is nowhere near as bad as it was say,several years ago,nevertheless it is still with me.The thing that scared me the most was the future-what was I going to do after secondary school finished,finding jobs etc...to me,having my family around me was one of the things that has pulled me through,and continues to do so to this day.Fortunately,I don't have any addictions that can trigger depressive episodes,so I thank god that it isn't that bad.Sorry if this all sounds a little scattered!

Also,I give thanks to the composers of great classical music-one of the things that had helped me!
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Old 09-19-2008, 10:27 PM   #34
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I was about your age when I dealt with a pretty heavy load of depression myself and if you think about it, it makes sense. You're still relatively new to being an adult and it seems like you're at a crossroads where you can more or less make or break your life. At least, that's what it seemed like to me at that age and it was very overwhelming. What helped me the most was probably a 15-20 minute conversation with someone who more or less convinced me that this wasn't necessarily the case. I was concerned that I wouldn't pick up enough skills in college to get by in the real world but this person assured me that it was basically a right of passage and the most important thing you learn is how to learn. Once I realized that my fear of the future wasn't completely warranted, I felt a lot better.

Recently, I ran into some problems that I am struggling to deal with now but I look back and think that if I got through that, I should be able to get through this too. So you just need to focus on getting a positive trend going that will eventually solve the dilemma that you've got going on. I admit it still gets me down at times but if I can look forward and see the potential for recovery, that keeps me going.

Hang in there. This thing can be overcome.
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Old 09-20-2008, 12:51 PM   #35
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Originally Posted by GenericGeek View Post

I don't know why I -- or anyone else -- was "blessed" with this condition, because living with it stinks. But maybe it's just a side effect of a real gift. Call it an excess of empathy, in a world that has far too little of it. Then perhaps we are the "canaries in a coal mine" of modern dysfunctional society.
I have often wondered the same thing as well. Most of the people I know that deal with depression on a regular basis seem to be more sensitive then other. I know I am. I am the first to cry at a sad movie, I cry my eyes out when I lose a pet like it is the end of the world,when some one else is in pain then I am to. I do not like listening to the evening news because I can not stand hearing about others in so much pain or the hurt that is happening in this world.
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Old 09-20-2008, 01:04 PM   #36
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................snipped......................

I don't know why I -- or anyone else -- was "blessed" with this condition, because living with it stinks. But maybe it's just a side effect of a real gift. Call it an excess of empathy, in a world that has far too little of it. Then perhaps we are the "canaries in a coal mine" of modern dysfunctional society. ......................snipped........... ..........
I think you're onto something profound. I have felt physical
pain and become ill over the hurt of others. Most people
just don't understand.
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Old 09-24-2008, 01:49 PM   #37
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Default Becoming Depressed

Having read people's posts and responses to this thread, I've decided to share my own story.

This year has been one of the worst of my life. I had a major falling out with a family member back in February, and two weeks later was diagnosed with double pneumonia. I was sicker than a dog but still tried to make it into work, until my doctor threatened to hospitalize me. After my recovery, I came back to work only to find out I had no job. In the mean time, the love of my life is in Iraq until April. During this time that I'm jobless and living with a friend, my car starts acting up and I end up spending almost my entire savings fixing the damn thing, since it was not covered under my "Powertrain" Warranty.

Finally, in April my sweetie came home and in May we were married. Now I'm sure most of you are thinking this should be the most wonderful year of my life since I got married, but it's been very much the opposite.

My husband and I finally got moved to our new duty station in June, but while on the way from North Carolina to California I was involved in an accident and the whole rear-end of my car was mangled. Thus, started the rollercoaster of my car issues. It is now the end of September and my car is still not 100% fixed. The only good thing out of this was that I was not at fault for the accident, so my insurance didn't go up.

We finally moved into an apartment the middle of July and in the two months we've lived here, my husband has been home three weeks of it. His company keeps sending him on business trips. Each time he's had to go on a business trip something major has happened with my health. I had a blood clot in my leg and had a hell of a time getting to the hospital without help.

I have applied to numerous positions and sent out 33 resumes and not one interview. I'm at my wits end when it comes to finding a job. So I spend my days baking cookies, doing cross-stitch, and playing WoW. How exciting eh? I'm not used to sitting at home, and it's driving me mad.

I told my husband that I just can't take anymore stress and that I've started becoming depressed, but I'm not sure he quite understands since he's not home to completely understand.

I've talked to my doctor about it and she wants to put me on antidepressants, but I seriously don't want to take them.
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Old 09-24-2008, 02:05 PM   #38
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I've talked to my doctor about it and she wants to put me on antidepressants, but I seriously don't want to take them.


When I was younger and having a problem with depression the doctors put me on antidepressants and it was not a pretty sight. Apparently I react pretty badly too them. So then what? Cause all they wanted was to "medicate" it. Not help me deal with it. I had to figure out how to deal with my problem. Now, granted this is not going to work for everyone...but it did work for me.
I started going to a psycologist. Not a psychiatrist (all they wanted to do was give me a pill). I talked. I talked about what bothered me, what made me sad, what made me happy etc. Then I found a hobby/buisness and began focusing on making that work. I failed many times over but I would just redirect things again, talk about my failures, successes, etc.
Basically what I am saying is that you need to find someone to talk too. Not necessarily someone who will give you advice either, but someone you can be open with. I always suggest a stranger, a professional, never a friend or relative. Because you need to be able to vent, cry, scream and cuss...most states have free mental health care available. I was a broke college student and used the campus therapist.
You are still going to have bad days. You are still going to have failures......but you will start to heal.
Looking back I think of my depression as a kind of infection. I had to get the infection out of the wound so it would heal.
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Old 09-24-2008, 02:51 PM   #39
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Originally Posted by No-No-Badkitty View Post
When I was younger and having a problem with depression the doctors put me on antidepressants and it was not a pretty sight. Apparently I react pretty badly too them. So then what? Cause all they wanted was to "medicate" it. Not help me deal with it. I had to figure out how to deal with my problem. Now, granted this is not going to work for everyone...but it did work for me.
I started going to a psycologist. Not a psychiatrist (all they wanted to do was give me a pill). I talked. I talked about what bothered me, what made me sad, what made me happy etc. Then I found a hobby/buisness and began focusing on making that work. I failed many times over but I would just redirect things again, talk about my failures, successes, etc.
Basically what I am saying is that you need to find someone to talk too. Not necessarily someone who will give you advice either, but someone you can be open with. I always suggest a stranger, a professional, never a friend or relative. Because you need to be able to vent, cry, scream and cuss...most states have free mental health care available. I was a broke college student and used the campus therapist.
You are still going to have bad days. You are still going to have failures......but you will start to heal.
Looking back I think of my depression as a kind of infection. I had to get the infection out of the wound so it would heal.
This is exactly why I do not want to be on antidepressants. Having been on them before, when I was much younger, they had a negative impact on my affect instead of a positive one. I have always told my doctors that I never want to be prescribed one, because the issues that I'm facing are ones that I can deal with by simply having some positive reinforcement in my life. If I find something to positively effect my affect, such as a hobby, going out with friends, simply talking and letting my issues out, then I can deal with the issues at hand better than being medicated.

While antidepressants work for some, they don't work for all. What I desperately need to do is find a way out of my apartment, besides doing laundry or grocery shopping. That means, I need to find a job or volunteer work that will get me interacting with people more, since I'm very much a people person.

I'm trying to make best of my situation with my husband gone, new state, new place, new people...but I have to admit, I really dislike where we are, and so far I have yet to come across a friendly person...damn California
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Old 09-25-2008, 01:48 PM   #40
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Hey, don't forget you moved to a town with a Dimmer already in it! I'm not much for going out right now, but I bet I can sneak out sometime and we can go have lunch and I can help show you where friendly people are

You know I'd love that. I'm surprised that it's been so hard for me to adjust to moving here. I'm hoping that things will change soon
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Old 09-26-2008, 09:06 AM   #41
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Of course, that's what Dimmers are for, and heaps better than drugs
Ain't that the truth!
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Old 10-02-2008, 11:27 AM   #42
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*raises hand* Me too.

It comes and goes. Usually when it comes I can will it away again.
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Old 10-02-2008, 10:29 PM   #43
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Depression and anxiety are constantly with me, usually one or the other.

When it gets really bad I usually have some donuts and coffee(my guiltiest of guilty pleasures) and go for a bike ride.

Some times I will ride from Central Orange county to Redondo Beach before I am over it.

There were nights when riding my bike was more important that sleep, running the razors edge between crying and collapsing into a fetal position convulsing from panic.

I would get off work at midnight, wave good-bye to my coworkers, put a sweater on and ride North up Pacific Coast Highway in the rarest kind of silence until I reached Long Beach Boulevard and then turn east towards Los Angeles.
I would ride through Compton, Watts, Inglewood, and Industry on my way to down town LA or Hollywood all the while hoping some one would accost me and shoot me for my bike or my messenger bag and put me out of my misery but no one ever did.
I would eventually find my way to the sunset strip and stop at Mel's for breakfast. My favorite was turkey dinner with all the traditional sides or two slices of chocolate cake and a bottle of Budweiser(stay gold Pony Boy, stay gold). Some times I would wind up in Korea town and slop on spicy kimchea and fried fish at 5 am with grave yard workers and Korean families on their way to church(if it was Sunday morning).
After eating I would make the ride to the metro train station in Down Town shivering, teeth clattering, fingers blue and numb. The wind was always evisceratingly cold as it melancholily raged down a deserted Flower Ave.
Ducking into the platform entrance, proud and triumphant; looking forward to the harrowing beauty of a Los Angele's sun rise and the prospect of feeling the ends of my fingers again.
The blue line runs from the metropolitan heart of Los Angeles, beating cold grey concrete under the drums of tourists' feet. South, south, south, through Compton, through Watts(those towers belong to every one), through poverty and beauty. Over freeways filled with lost angels on their way to work; smoking cigarettes with their radios on, compacts open, trapped in the traffic between twilight and tomorrow, painting their faces and shaving their beards between slithering sips of boiling coffee. Past the freeways, over neighborhoods that smell like bacon and sausage and coffee and children and the elderly waiting for buses on corners with benches, their breath vaporial vitae in the first rays of the sun. Down into the still sleeping heart of Long Beach.
This town stays up late and sleeps in, her streets deserted save for a few phantasmal meter maids; ticketing cars with drunks asleep in the back seat(cheaper than cab fair).
Those morning rides were a baptism, a victory, a triumph.
Out of the train into the cold, down Broadway; the city unraveling as I go, letting her hair down. Ancient office buildings give way to apartments and parks.
Past Cherry Street, Maple, Pine, and Sycamore. Onto Ocean, through Bellmont Shores.
The people here wake up early, five coffee shops in three blocks cast a hazelnut hew in the fresh morning air. Picking up speed as the world comes a live. The sun on my face, a second wind; happiness like honesty, like God's love. My head and my heart scream in silence of dopamine and endorphins: a natural high.
With the sun rising in the East , the Pacific Ocean and the final tears of night to the west; I head North forever. The Earth alive and new and Christ I'm just so grateful for it, for all this beauty, for every breath, for every mile I have left to go.
I can't help racing the other early morning cyclists, smiling as I pass as if to let them know I am dancing to music they cannot hear, a tango of early morning, a sun salutation played by feet and cars and bicycles on sidewalks with gum stains like morning stars and freeways as black as early morning coffee, challenging them to follow; into beauty, into life.

I ride and ride and ride and ride until my lungs burst and I pass them all and my road ends because I am home and the door opens with the twist of my key and its so quiet and calm I realize I haven't spoken to any one or anything in over five hours and I'm happy and tired.
I put my bike to bed, stunned and amazed that such a simple and noble invention is capable of such wondrous things. It may as well have taken me to the moon and back.
My bed calls, and I strip off my sweat soaked clothes and crawl in like a child. My heart and my soul alive with beauty and joy; I am a child. I fall asleep smiling and warm, my last thought amazement that all of this is made of stars.
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Last edited by mediaboy; 10-02-2008 at 10:55 PM.
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Old 10-03-2008, 08:55 PM   #44
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Depression and anxiety are constantly with me, usually one or the other.

When it gets really bad I usually have some donuts and coffee(my guiltiest of guilty pleasures) and go for a bike ride.

Some times I will ride from Central Orange county to Redondo Beach before I am over it.

There were nights when riding my bike was more important that sleep, running the razors edge between crying and collapsing into a fetal position convulsing from panic.

I would get off work at midnight, wave good-bye to my coworkers, put a sweater on and ride North up Pacific Coast Highway in the rarest kind of silence until I reached Long Beach Boulevard and then turn east towards Los Angeles.
I would ride through Compton, Watts, Inglewood, and Industry on my way to down town LA or Hollywood all the while hoping some one would accost me and shoot me for my bike or my messenger bag and put me out of my misery but no one ever did.
I would eventually find my way to the sunset strip and stop at Mel's for breakfast. My favorite was turkey dinner with all the traditional sides or two slices of chocolate cake and a bottle of Budweiser(stay gold Pony Boy, stay gold). Some times I would wind up in Korea town and slop on spicy kimchea and fried fish at 5 am with grave yard workers and Korean families on their way to church(if it was Sunday morning).
After eating I would make the ride to the metro train station in Down Town shivering, teeth clattering, fingers blue and numb. The wind was always evisceratingly cold as it melancholily raged down a deserted Flower Ave.
Ducking into the platform entrance, proud and triumphant; looking forward to the harrowing beauty of a Los Angele's sun rise and the prospect of feeling the ends of my fingers again.
The blue line runs from the metropolitan heart of Los Angeles, beating cold grey concrete under the drums of tourists' feet. South, south, south, through Compton, through Watts(those towers belong to every one), through poverty and beauty. Over freeways filled with lost angels on their way to work; smoking cigarettes with their radios on, compacts open, trapped in the traffic between twilight and tomorrow, painting their faces and shaving their beards between slithering sips of boiling coffee. Past the freeways, over neighborhoods that smell like bacon and sausage and coffee and children and the elderly waiting for buses on corners with benches, their breath vaporial vitae in the first rays of the sun. Down into the still sleeping heart of Long Beach.
This town stays up late and sleeps in, her streets deserted save for a few phantasmal meter maids; ticketing cars with drunks asleep in the back seat(cheaper than cab fair).
Those morning rides were a baptism, a victory, a triumph.
Out of the train into the cold, down Broadway; the city unraveling as I go, letting her hair down. Ancient office buildings give way to apartments and parks.
Past Cherry Street, Maple, Pine, and Sycamore. Onto Ocean, through Bellmont Shores.
The people here wake up early, five coffee shops in three blocks cast a hazelnut hew in the fresh morning air. Picking up speed as the world comes a live. The sun on my face, a second wind; happiness like honesty, like God's love. My head and my heart scream in silence of dopamine and endorphins: a natural high.
With the sun rising in the East , the Pacific Ocean and the final tears of night to the west; I head North forever. The Earth alive and new and Christ I'm just so grateful for it, for all this beauty, for every breath, for every mile I have left to go.
I can't help racing the other early morning cyclists, smiling as I pass as if to let them know I am dancing to music they cannot hear, a tango of early morning, a sun salutation played by feet and cars and bicycles on sidewalks with gum stains like morning stars and freeways as black as early morning coffee, challenging them to follow; into beauty, into life.

I ride and ride and ride and ride until my lungs burst and I pass them all and my road ends because I am home and the door opens with the twist of my key and its so quiet and calm I realize I haven't spoken to any one or anything in over five hours and I'm happy and tired.
I put my bike to bed, stunned and amazed that such a simple and noble invention is capable of such wondrous things. It may as well have taken me to the moon and back.
My bed calls, and I strip off my sweat soaked clothes and crawl in like a child. My heart and my soul alive with beauty and joy; I am a child. I fall asleep smiling and warm, my last thought amazement that all of this is made of stars.


This is an amazing, beautiful piece of writing.

I too struggle with the "black dog"...
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Old 10-04-2008, 09:25 AM   #45
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Yeah, it is stunning, like this little flower sprouting here on Dims.

I used to go on early morning walks. I'd get up at 3:45 during the week, ready myself for work, then be out the door by 5 with the dog for a walk. It always left a smile on my face, enjoying the silent, deserted streets of my neighborhood with but the wild animals (and my dog) as company.
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Old 10-06-2008, 07:22 PM   #46
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black dog, circling...scratching at the door..











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Old 10-06-2008, 07:37 PM   #47
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black dog, circling...scratching at the door..











You can never put him down but you can always send him running.

Here are a few things(besides bicycles) that cheer me up
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Old 10-06-2008, 07:59 PM   #48
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You can never put him down but you can always send him running.

Here are a few things(besides bicycles) that cheer me up
Thanks. I'm struggling quite a bit right now.
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Old 10-07-2008, 12:03 AM   #49
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Thanks. I'm struggling quite a bit right now.
Let me tackle you.
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Old 10-07-2008, 07:33 AM   #50
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Be gentle.
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