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Old 08-30-2014, 11:16 PM   #1076
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Thanks, everyone.

I've had medical help before...this is actually help from getting out from underneath something that's making my life pretty horrible and needs to be dealt with.

I feel a huge relief though. I cried the whole time I asked for help but at the same time I felt free for the first time in forever.
It's so relieving even when you're crying just to get things off of your chest especially those which are bugging you to the extent of not being able to function. I can't wait for that feeling and I am so proud of you!
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Old 08-31-2014, 10:36 AM   #1077
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Thanks. I have a couple more things to conquer but it's a good start.

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It's so relieving even when you're crying just to get things off of your chest especially those which are bugging you to the extent of not being able to function. I can't wait for that feeling and I am so proud of you!
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Old 09-03-2014, 11:08 PM   #1078
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I've been taking Zoloft for a couple of months, and I no longer have the unwanted thoughts of gloom and doom. It's like a heavy weight has been lifted, and I feel normal again. I get a lot more done, and there's no more crying jags for no reason. My husband has even noticed how much I've improved, and he's thankful for that.
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Old 09-03-2014, 11:38 PM   #1079
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It is so difficult some days to deal with my disabilities along with my depression. I've been putting off cleaning and laundry for a week now, and it had finally gotten to the point it could no longer be ignored. The kitchen was a wreck and I had no clean clothes other than stuff to wear at home.

I spent the whole day doing dibs and dabs, working at the laundry and the kitchen. The rest of the apartment needs attention, but the kitchen was by far the worst. There were other things I had to do, like replacing a headlight on my truck and going to the grocery store. I finally finished up the kitchen a few minutes ago. I don't have a dishwasher, so I have to do dishes by hand. The laundry is clean, but not folded and put away. That's not going to happen tonight, wrinkles be damned.

I want to be normal. I want to be able to do these things without having to think about how much it's going to hurt and what I'll have to suffer. I wish I had the energy to do all this and not count the cost. The average person can replace a headlight, do two loads of laundry, wash dishes, and not have anything more than irritation to show for it. Me? I'm drenched in sweat, trembling with pain and exhaustion. It hurts so much to stand at the sink washing dishes. Laundry is a marathon to me. Today I did so much, by my standards, I'm going to be paying for it big time tomorrow.

Nobody promised me life would be fair. It's cruel, it's arbitrary, and there are times I feel forsaken by God. I made a promise to my wife, Corinne, to live and try to find happiness. That didn't work out with Jackie, but the promise still binds me. Some days the promise is the only thing keeping me going.
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Old 09-04-2014, 02:21 AM   #1080
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I know all of these feels... some days are just better than others, am I right? Just live for the good days. I've been struggling myself buddy. *hugs*
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Old 09-04-2014, 05:51 AM   #1081
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Your post....
This is probably too obvious but have you had your iron, potassium and magnesium levels checked lately?

Consider having groceries delivered once in a while - we do through Safeway once a month for the real heavy things.

Best thing I ever spent 3 bucks on was finding a wooden bar stool at a Goodwill. No cushion or back to it but the seat does swivel. We keep it in the kitchen and sometimes I sit on it when doing the dishes (by hand) or rest on it for a minute or so when I need to - makes a huge difference.

(((((((((((((((((((((((gentlest hugs to you))))))))))))))))))))))))

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Old 09-04-2014, 08:41 AM   #1082
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It is so difficult some days to deal with my disabilities along with my depression. I've been putting off cleaning and laundry for a week now, and it had finally gotten to the point it could no longer be ignored. The kitchen was a wreck and I had no clean clothes other than stuff to wear at home.

I spent the whole day doing dibs and dabs, working at the laundry and the kitchen. The rest of the apartment needs attention, but the kitchen was by far the worst. There were other things I had to do, like replacing a headlight on my truck and going to the grocery store. I finally finished up the kitchen a few minutes ago. I don't have a dishwasher, so I have to do dishes by hand. The laundry is clean, but not folded and put away. That's not going to happen tonight, wrinkles be damned.

I want to be normal. I want to be able to do these things without having to think about how much it's going to hurt and what I'll have to suffer. I wish I had the energy to do all this and not count the cost. The average person can replace a headlight, do two loads of laundry, wash dishes, and not have anything more than irritation to show for it. Me? I'm drenched in sweat, trembling with pain and exhaustion. It hurts so much to stand at the sink washing dishes. Laundry is a marathon to me. Today I did so much, by my standards, I'm going to be paying for it big time tomorrow.

Nobody promised me life would be fair. It's cruel, it's arbitrary, and there are times I feel forsaken by God. I made a promise to my wife, Corinne, to live and try to find happiness. That didn't work out with Jackie, but the promise still binds me. Some days the promise is the only thing keeping me going.
I have been known to critcize you in less serious threads, but I wish you all the best. I'll say a prayer for you, and know that God has forsaken no one and is always there for you. Just keep plugging one day at a time, or even one hour at a time.
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Old 09-04-2014, 08:49 AM   #1083
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Dromond, congratulations on getting so much accomplished; I'm just sorry that doing so causes you pain. It's not that environmentally friendly, but please consider paper plates, napkins, etc.; and who gives a rat's posterior if things like underwear and socks are folded? It's so not worth it. Ditto on things like making the bed, unless it's just to drag the sheets and coverings back into place now and then. Unless someone's coming over, it seems rather pointless. When one's strength and energy is limited, it makes sense to spend them on things that truly matter. I like your attitude about wrinkles!

Everything you said about life is true, and I wish you could find more comfort in your faith. Please remember, though, if you ever feel alone sometimes, that your presence here means so much to so many; someone told me that we often underestimate how significant it can be just to be there for someone else, not necessarily saying anything profound or feeling as if we're doing all that much--just being there, a bit like a light in the darkness. I think you might be surprised how many people think of you that way.

Marlayna and Surly, I'm happy that things are looking up for you, and x0emnem0x, I'm still hoping that you get that job and that things turn around for you soon.
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Old 09-04-2014, 10:16 AM   #1084
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Thanks.

I'm stubborn, hallelujah. Haha
Plus it's cresting on my favourite time of the year, Autumn.

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Surly, I'm happy that things are looking up for you, and x0emnem0x, I'm still hoping that you get that job and that things turn around for you soon.
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Old 09-04-2014, 04:20 PM   #1085
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I can kind of measure the level of down i have to how clean i am.. taking care of myself just drains me. I am so down to the point that i have started drinking. I never drank before. It numbs me and lets me fall asleep at night. It scares me a little but i don't have money for copays for doctors, and that in itself brings me down. I am such a failure, not being able to work and help support the family. I avoid looking in the mirror now because can't stand the sight of myself. I was elated when i ran across my cutting kit but have resisted using it.
My marriage is affected. My eldest gets scared when i am sitting here crying. I try my best to only sob while alone but sometimes it just bursts forth. If only god would just take it all away for me. I hate myself so very much.
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Old 09-04-2014, 04:40 PM   #1086
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I can kind of measure the level of down i have to how clean i am.. taking care of myself just drains me. I am so down to the point that i have started drinking. I never drank before. It numbs me and lets me fall asleep at night. It scares me a little but i don't have money for copays for doctors, and that in itself brings me down. I am such a failure, not being able to work and help support the family. I avoid looking in the mirror now because can't stand the sight of myself. I was elated when i ran across my cutting kit but have resisted using it.
My marriage is affected. My eldest gets scared when i am sitting here crying. I try my best to only sob while alone but sometimes it just bursts forth. If only god would just take it all away for me. I hate myself so very much.
Hang in there. You are not a failure. You are a person with an illness and that illness is affecting your ability to do things such as work. Psychologists are ethically obligated by the APA to do a certain amount of pro bono work. Maybe there is someone in your area who may be able to work with you for free or for a highly reduced fee. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.
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Old 09-04-2014, 05:04 PM   #1087
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I can....
I think you are a phenomenal beautiful woman who is going through hell and back right now and is scared shitless. You can get and will get through this - you do not have to go through it alone. Getting help is not a crutch or being a failure.

Someone or some organization in this link can and will help you....if I was still down in NoCA, I'd be driving you there myself....

http://www.helpcentral.org/wp-conten...10-17final.pdf

P.s. and if that is not the right county, ask them and they will have the names and numbers of people in the right county who can and will help you!
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Old 09-05-2014, 12:01 PM   #1088
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x0emnem0x, I'm still hoping that you get that job and that things turn around for you soon.
Thank you. I haven't heard back but I am going to call soon and see if there is an update about it. There is also a potential job not as close but I have a good chance of getting it I think... fingers crossed.
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Old 09-07-2014, 10:51 AM   #1089
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I don't think i've felt this alone in my entire life.


But I definitely know the type of person I am and the type of people my family are. I've always known the truth and struggled against it and tried to make it work, but I know now that it's never going to happen. I mean very little to these people. Maybe i'm a bit too tender-hearted, maybe i'm a bit smarter and see through the bullshit easier, maybe i'm not as simple-minded, but right now...i'm way more done with being treated like a nothing than i've ever been. People make time for the things in their life that matter, right? One would hope. Time for me..virtually non-existent unless they're keeping up with appearances or they need something.

Do you have people you can count on in your family? I'm not sure if I do and that's a gross feeling. The one saving grace is that I have a few friends that care about me and are concerned for my well being. Not sure what I would do without them and I really don't like thinking about it too much.

I'm trying to put things in place so I don't need my family to fall back on at all. It's coming along, slowly but surely. Always have your own back. Always.
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Old 09-07-2014, 04:13 PM   #1090
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Your post....
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Old 09-08-2014, 09:58 AM   #1091
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It's been almost a month since I told my friend with benefits that I couldn't handle his 'dominate' petty comments about everything in my life. My first almost relationship with an fa and it sucked. I hadn't even realized how much energy I was putting into it,wanting it to be real...but it was horrific. I just wanted someone to want me for me,and for me to be enough,but I was 'too sad to fuck' most of the time. He made me sad. It made me sad to think I was so simple I needed validation from a man to prove....something. He wanted an actual partnership and I knew I wasn't ready for that at all. I'm so broken and confused by his ability to hurt me. I'm so loud and vocal about shit-men,and then I turned around and settled,because goddammit I was lonely. I'm always lonely. My friends take me places,cancel events to spend time alone with me,they dote on me...and I can't make myself be pleased by their actions. I can force a smile and laugh and make them feel like they made a difference,but mostly I go home and get stoned and cry all over my dogs.

No one wants the clown to be sad. Nobody can handle a broken down fat crybaby. None of my super active people can understand my physical limitations are worsened by my depression. Yes my hip is throbbing from sitting on a boat,no I can't climb the stairs,yes my head is pounding from trying to make smalltalk about everything. No I don't want a beer,no I don't want to talk about it. Yes I know I have so much in my life. Yes,I'm so lucky.
Nope,I shouldn't be sad.

I'm jobless,too broke for college,I almost have a limp,my body isn't aging well.
I feel repulsive a majority of the time,and the other times when I feel almost appealing...I'm just manic.

I swear...if my parents weren't alive...I wouldn't be either.
Life just feels like a shitty job at this point.
No going up.
Nothing to look forward to,but more bad feelings and horrible body pains.
I'd kill for something,anything,to be wonderful enough to make me excited.
I want to feel joy.


I'm just so fucking tired of being so fucking tired.
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Old 09-08-2014, 02:26 PM   #1092
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...
I've found myself saying pretty much the same exact things, verbatim, to how you're feeling... and if there is one think I can say, it is please hold on... hang in there. You are amazing and you deserve amazing things! I've been lonely, I still am and my emotions are roller coaster city... but just wait for the sunshine, as it is waiting for you dear! And things will get better. It's okay to feel how you feel and no one should tell you different! I know exactly how you feel and you are not alone... *hugsssss* <3
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Old 09-08-2014, 08:07 PM   #1093
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I've found myself saying pretty much the same exact things, verbatim, to how you're feeling... and if there is one think I can say, it is please hold on... hang in there. You are amazing and you deserve amazing things! I've been lonely, I still am and my emotions are roller coaster city... but just wait for the sunshine, as it is waiting for you dear! And things will get better. It's okay to feel how you feel and no one should tell you different! I know exactly how you feel and you are not alone... *hugsssss* <3
x0emnem0x and Mishty never choose to remain in a relationship that doesn't feel right just so you will not have to be lonely. You deserve to be with someone who is 110% right for you. I believe you already know this.
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Old 09-09-2014, 02:17 PM   #1094
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Was dealt a personal physical blow this morning and I haven't really been able to stop crying since. I'll be o.k. in the long run, but doesn't help now when already feeling like crap about yourself. Oh well, at least I did help a friend feel a tad better earlier today and that helps.
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Old 09-09-2014, 03:12 PM   #1095
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Was dealt a personal physical blow this morning and I haven't really been able to stop crying since. I'll be o.k. in the long run, but doesn't help now when already feeling like crap about yourself. Oh well, at least I did help a friend feel a tad better earlier today and that helps.
HUGS!!! I wuvvles you lady! Keep that beautiful chin up!
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Old 09-11-2014, 08:35 AM   #1096
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I'm just so fucking tired of being so fucking tired.
Unfortunately, I've noticed An unusually high number of complaints in BBW/Fa relationships. Of course your mileage may vary. It does suck though

What happened with your work? I thought you were a teacher…

Sorry you're having so much bad luck lately. It's unusual for you to not be cynical and bubbly
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Old 09-13-2014, 05:22 PM   #1097
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Just hitched up my big girl panties and emailed my doctor about starting treatment for depression. I've had it trying to self-repair when I know I need a bit of assistance so I can properly focus again.
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Old 10-08-2014, 03:53 PM   #1098
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So tomorrow is the day I finally am able to get in and talk to my doctor about depression. It's really funny how when other people (not here) talk about it, everyone is so supportive but when I mentioned it one time, it's like, who let in the big elephant into the room and how well can we ignore it? Some people really suck sometimes.
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Old 10-08-2014, 04:22 PM   #1099
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So tomorrow is the day I finally am able to get in and talk to my doctor about depression. It's really funny how when other people (not here) talk about it, everyone is so supportive but when I mentioned it one time, it's like, who let in the big elephant into the room and how well can we ignore it? Some people really suck sometimes.
People definitely can suck. I'm glad you're talking to your doctor and hopefully they can make a referral to a therapist for you. I hope it all goes well.
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Old 10-08-2014, 07:30 PM   #1100
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My period totally fucks with my mental health and adding the stress of school, trying to plan four different birthday events, and dealing with negotiating holidays with divorced parents, and my internship I'm a mess this week. I've been able to hod it together and keep focused at my internship but once I leave it all floods back and my car rides int he morning are rough. I had a day last week where I felt awesome about my body and that's totally gone. I've been having passive thoughts of self-harm, no intention but I still don't like having the thoughts. I'm exhausted and it's only October.
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