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Old 10-29-2014, 12:23 PM   #1126
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Today just sucks. I'm in a really bad mood, just feel so miserable and hate my job, I hate my life and I hate myself for that because my life isn't that bad. I want to love myself and I want to love my life.
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Old 11-07-2014, 05:19 PM   #1127
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I've been playing the "sad or depressed?" game, trying to figure out which is stronger. I think it's mostly sadness with a base of depression. I think it's something I need to push through rather than go back on antidepressants. I'll give it a bit longer before deciding that.

I'm trying not to let anxiety build up. There's not enough money. I know what bills are coming in soon and I'd rather hide. My daughter needs new clothes because she's growing like a weed. I need new clothes because they're all old. I can't even begin to think about how I'm going to manage Christmas (though she's told me she's only wanting books and clothes, so that makes it cheaper). I'm heartbroken and sad and don't feel like doing housework or anything else. She's spending the night with my parents (because I was meant to be going to a party tonight but I just can't deal with that right now) so I'm having a night to myself.
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Old 11-08-2014, 02:53 AM   #1128
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Originally Posted by penguin View Post
"...spending the night with my parents (because I was meant to be going to a party tonight but I just can't deal with that right now) so I'm having a night to myself."
It's necessary, important, etc...just to spend a certain amount of time away from kids in general; both alone, to relax & recharge, but also going out with & being around other adults. Except that, you can just be alone and veg-out pretty much anytime they're in school. Whereas going out to an actual grown-up party is more of a limited type of opportunity. So, hopefully you end up changing your mind, at some point...

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Originally Posted by x0emnem0x View Post
"...my life isn't that bad. I want to love myself and I want to love my life."
The very first step is just deciding-to. Here's something just for you:

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Old 11-09-2014, 01:15 PM   #1129
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Quote:
Originally Posted by penguin View Post
I've been playing the "sad or depressed?" game, trying to figure out which is stronger. I think it's mostly sadness with a base of depression. I think it's something I need to push through rather than go back on antidepressants. I'll give it a bit longer before deciding that.

I'm trying not to let anxiety build up. There's not enough money. I know what bills are coming in soon and I'd rather hide. My daughter needs new clothes because she's growing like a weed. I need new clothes because they're all old. I can't even begin to think about how I'm going to manage Christmas (though she's told me she's only wanting books and clothes, so that makes it cheaper). I'm heartbroken and sad and don't feel like doing housework or anything else. She's spending the night with my parents (because I was meant to be going to a party tonight but I just can't deal with that right now) so I'm having a night to myself.
I know what it's like to feel like hiding. Folks that I have been talking with call it isolating. I've been warned (after my hospital stay for spinal cord injury) about this. Sometimes I have to fight myself and just GET OUT or I will get caught in that trap… Hope things get better soon.
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Old 11-10-2014, 10:58 PM   #1130
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i am the reason they cry.
I am the reason he yells so much.
I am the reason for the discord in the family
I am no good for them
I don't deserve them
I want them happy.
I don't provide that happiness, only sadness and discord.
I am worthless
I am a terrible mother
I am a worse wife
I hate myself
I hate how i am
They'd be better off without me.
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Old 11-11-2014, 03:10 AM   #1131
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Default Your life's work and your self worth?

Quote:
Originally Posted by HottiMegan View Post
i am the reason they cry.
I am the reason he yells so much.
I am the reason for the discord in the family
I am no good for them
I don't deserve them
I want them happy.
I don't provide that happiness, only sadness and discord.
I am worthless
I am a terrible mother
I am a worse wife
I hate myself
I hate how i am
They'd be better off without me.
Dear Megan,

I have been reading your posts and following your kids birth/growing up for years now. I know that you have been a good and wonderful mother - your family is lucky to have you. You were given by fate the extremely difficult jobs of raising two boys who have very demanding conditions. I could never have done the tremendous things you have done with the kids & husband.

We all have days/weeks/months/years of doubting our life's work and decisions we have made. Please do not worry about your clan's direction and raising. No one could do it better than you have done. It is not unusual for women to get the wrong impression from our menfolk. Most men just do not consider how women feel - they are wired different. (Not bad or wrong - just different.)

Start with small things bothering you. Tell the men what is making you feel bad and tell them what you need from them. (If you were hungry, cold, or thirsty would you tell them you need water or food?) Start telling them of your emotional & personal needs and how they can fix it. And not talking about if they want to do it or not. This is something they have to do. You are not only doing this to save your sanity but to help the boys have a life with the women they choose to pair up with.

Also, a word of warning - the teenage years are quickly approaching for your boys. Teenagers are often unruly, moody, irritable beasts. Most all kids go thru this period of uproar and wearing on their parent's nerves. This is normal and serves in nature to wean the little varmints from their parents. You will know this is starting when their little heads start spinning around and acting like Linda Blair when she was possessed by Satan.

Also, you need to have ways of rewarding and comforting yourself that does not depend on the fickle whims of men. I have learned that listening to music on headphones when I need peace or am feeling bad. There is a whole world of wonderful music and expression that have opened up on the internet. Also, you might try some of the on-line self help groups for parents of that are facing some of the difficulties you are in raising the boys.

With your kind permission, I have edited somewhat your poem with my ideas.

i am the reason they cry. Babies cry - young men need to man-up. Crying will cause you problems in junior high and high school.

I am the reason he yells so much. The only time I tolerate hubby yelling at me is if the house is on fire or a tornado is coming. We adults talk to each other with our inside voices and do it in mannerly and respectful tone.

I am the reason for the discord in the family. This would be true when someone has not followed mom's rules of Law. It is your house, it is your kitchen and the inmates must respect and obey the warden.

I am no good for them - Yes you are good for them. Who else would take ove their care if you were gone? Their lives as orphans or step kids would be greatly diminished with a stepmother or another dad.

I don't deserve them - They should show they deserve you.

I want them happy. - Kids growing up today don't need to be happy as much as they need to learn how to live in society, function as an adult, and learn skills to make it in the world.

I don't provide that happiness, only sadness. Again, kids need more important skills that happiness. They need the skills to survive on their own when mom and dad are gone and the little birds leave the nest.

I am worthless - Your worth should be generated from yourself and not depend on others. You are the best person for the job you have are doing.

I am a terrible mother - You are the best mother for those two boys.

I am a worse wife - Not so, some women would run off and leave the whole bunch to fend for themselves - like little wolf pups.

I hate myself / I hate how i am - Do not hate yourself. Celebrate the good things you do and reward yourself for your efforts. Brag about this to the menfolk.

They'd be better off without me.- Again a stepmother would never be able to handle what you do.
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Old 11-13-2014, 04:42 AM   #1132
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Yakatori View Post
It's necessary, important, etc...just to spend a certain amount of time away from kids in general; both alone, to relax & recharge, but also going out with & being around other adults. Except that, you can just be alone and veg-out pretty much anytime they're in school. Whereas going out to an actual grown-up party is more of a limited type of opportunity. So, hopefully you end up changing your mind, at some point...
I stayed home. I needed it, and felt better for it. The cost of going out (getting there, and especially back after drinking) were prohibitive, too. Money is tight and I didn't feel right spending what I had on a $30 cab ride home.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jack Secret View Post
I know what it's like to feel like hiding. Folks that I have been talking with call it isolating. I've been warned (after my hospital stay for spinal cord injury) about this. Sometimes I have to fight myself and just GET OUT or I will get caught in that trap… Hope things get better soon.
I'm introverted by nature, and as I've gotten older I have less interest in parties and events. I want to see my friends, but if the conditions aren't right, it doesn't feel like it's worth going.

Quote:
Originally Posted by HottiMegan View Post
i am the reason they cry.
I am the reason he yells so much.
I am the reason for the discord in the family
I am no good for them
I don't deserve them
I want them happy.
I don't provide that happiness, only sadness and discord.
I am worthless
I am a terrible mother
I am a worse wife
I hate myself
I hate how i am
They'd be better off without me.
No one is perfect and no one gets it right all the time. Kids will cry, sometimes because you yelled at them after asking them to do something five times and you get frustrated, but they only remember the yelling part. Sometimes they cry because they did the wrong thing and got busted and are upset about it. Kids will cry. They won't always get along - with you or their siblings. They will push your buttons and every boundary you set down. Kids are ego-centric and teaching them that the world doesn't revolve around them is an important, if hard, lesson.

If he yells, that's on him. He's the only one who can control his temper.

This article might help in regards to being a good wife and mother. Life is hard. We make it harder for ourselves by trying to shoulder it all, including the responsibility and blame. You could try rephrasing your post to ask what they can do to stop crying and yelling so much, to see what it is that they do that might be upsetting the balance. I know how much you love those kids, and you're doing the best you can. None of us will be a Carol Brady (who, remember, had a live in maid and no toilets to clean), so setting unrealistic goals just brings us down.

I'm not the best mother out there, not by a long shot. But I'm not a bad mother. I'm doing the best I can, and I do try to improve what I can, when I can. Depression makes that so fucking hard to do, even with a partner. When you're battling the darkness and trying to get through the day, it's easy to feel like a failure. But you're not.
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Old 11-13-2014, 05:27 AM   #1133
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This time of year really gets to me. We first celebrate veterans day which depresses me since my Dad served in the military and it just so happened this year his birthday was the next day (which was yesterday) and now we are headed toward Thanksgiving and don't get me wrong I am thankful for the son, daughter (in law) and grandson I have and for one being on the way in March however my Daddy and Mother are not here they have both passed and the death that has affected me the most was my Daddy's because I always have been and always will be a "Daddy's girl". Since his passing I struggle to keep my head above water during the holidays I am thinking maybe this year if I get to see my grandson enough just maybe this year will be different and I won't go through all the crying and blah blah blah of the holiday seasons. It seems even though my Daddy is gone the thing that helps me the most is going to his grave and being alone and talking to him as if he is standing before and telling him what is wrong. I have always said since my parents are both gone, life is never the same you become "an orphan" in this big world and it seems you are always placed in the center where you see people laughing, being with their families during the holidays and you are totally left out with no one in your life..I am not kicking that scene at all in fact I encourage it for those who have family left and especially their mom and dad, Love them while you have them because one day they will not be here and life won't ever be the same. If it were not for Christ in my life I really don't know if I could have handled a lot of things I have but He gives me the strength to do what I must to get through each day.
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Old 11-13-2014, 09:26 AM   #1134
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This time of year really gets to me. We first celebrate veterans day which depresses me since my Dad served in the military and it just so happened this year his birthday was the next day (which was yesterday) and now we are headed toward Thanksgiving and don't get me wrong I am thankful for the son, daughter (in law) and grandson I have and for one being on the way in March however my Daddy and Mother are not here they have both passed and the death that has affected me the most was my Daddy's because I always have been and always will be a "Daddy's girl". Since his passing I struggle to keep my head above water during the holidays I am thinking maybe this year if I get to see my grandson enough just maybe this year will be different and I won't go through all the crying and blah blah blah of the holiday seasons. It seems even though my Daddy is gone the thing that helps me the most is going to his grave and being alone and talking to him as if he is standing before and telling him what is wrong. I have always said since my parents are both gone, life is never the same you become "an orphan" in this big world and it seems you are always placed in the center where you see people laughing, being with their families during the holidays and you are totally left out with no one in your life..I am not kicking that scene at all in fact I encourage it for those who have family left and especially their mom and dad, Love them while you have them because one day they will not be here and life won't ever be the same. If it were not for Christ in my life I really don't know if I could have handled a lot of things I have but He gives me the strength to do what I must to get through each day.
Very well said, especially the last sentence.
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Old 11-14-2014, 09:36 AM   #1135
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It's a hard time of the year. Reach out to your people if you're feeling down.

Sometimes volunteering and keeping busy can lift your spirits as well.



Don't isolate yourself.


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Old 11-14-2014, 11:00 PM   #1136
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I've been delving deeper and deeper into truly trying to let go of past traumas and how they affected mine and my family's lives - it has been a very difficult journey and I know I have not been easy to be around all the time but I think the efforts are paying off - I feel like a heavy burden has been lifted from me - there is still a lot there but I know I am making some sort of progress and definitely am changing because of all of this. 49 yrs worth of stuff do not clear up overnight but I am making headway, even if I do get a bit off the beaten path at times in doing so.
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Old 11-19-2014, 08:43 AM   #1137
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More health problems.
I can barely handle what I already have on my plate. Where am I supposed to find more strength?

I'm so overwhelmed that I really don't know what to think even.

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Old 11-20-2014, 12:09 AM   #1138
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Originally Posted by Surlysomething View Post
More health problems.
I can barely handle what I already have on my plate. Where am I supposed to find more strength?

I'm so overwhelmed that I really don't know what to think even.

I am sorry that this time is a struggle. I hope you can get a break from everything that is difficult in your life and find the strength to carry on.
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Old 11-20-2014, 09:23 AM   #1139
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Aww..thanks so much.

I mostly work on auto-pilot to get through these things. Carry on like it's business as usual.
My normal is constantly new and when you're stubborn and a bit set in your ways that can be a challenge.

Everyday we get a fresh start though, i'm thankful for that.


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I am sorry that this time is a struggle. I hope you can get a break from everything that is difficult in your life and find the strength to carry on.
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Old 12-04-2014, 01:35 PM   #1140
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Having more thoughts of self-harm lately. A lot today. Some thoughts of suicide. I know won't act on them. I just want to curl up and not have to deal with the world.
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Old 12-04-2014, 11:33 PM   #1141
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Originally Posted by lille View Post
Having more thoughts of self-harm lately. A lot today. Some thoughts of suicide. I know won't act on them. I just want to curl up and not have to deal with the world.
Something a friend sent me the other day and it really hits home - hope you feel a bit better sweetie - gentlest hugs and thinking of you


Of all the souls
Who cross my path
I respect most
Those who are brave
In their story telling
Those that face
Their own demons
Because it’s fucking scary
To see all
You never wanted to see again
And to feel deeply
All that you think
You should be ashamed of
All the so called wrongs
You think you’ve committed
Anyone can tell a story
But few tell
A completely honest one
A blatantly vulnerable one
A transparent and ‘ugly’ one
With beautiful stark naked truths
That most wouldn’t face
And maybe don't want to hear about.
Deep bow to the brave souls
Who strip away all lies
About themselves
And their existence
I hope that one day
I would be so brave
And shamelessly
Peel back all the layers
As effortlessly
As if they were bandaids
Revealing wounds beneath
And ugly scars
Hidden demons
Some might be repulsed by
But only because…
Those who hide from their own
Unloved wounds and shadows
Project onto others
What is denied in one's self
But still, refuse to see.
This fear is familiar
And understandable because
It takes enormous courage
To be real
In a world with 'unreal~ness'
With those who still
Want to see false perfection
Playing hide and seek
With themselves
Not wanting to be found
They never reveal
Their secret hiding places
Or where they lay at night
What clouds their heart
And shields their being.
If only
We all realized
There really are no walls
It is merely illusion
To make more comfortable
The games we play
The so called ‘ugliness’
We tuck away
Out of shame or guilt
But why are our experiences
Shameful to begin with?
Who told us that anyways?
How do we know they are right
When they were hiding to begin with
How do we trust one who lies
And deny ourselves permission
To live freely
Wildly unabashed through life
Based on what they have said
Like the blind leading the blind
Am I courageous enough
To break down those walls
And greet with love
All those shadows
Which have been in hiding?
Yes, I surely am.
They really are just friends
We haven’t seen in a while
So they may seem scary
But it is only because
We have forgotten about them
And they have been alone
Within prison walls
Starving and rotting away
Without sunlight or air
We’ve forgotten
They are a part of us
Who want acceptance
Nurturing and love
Like every other part
Of us who cries
When we are alone
From all the grief
Turbulence and rage
Heartbreak and sadness
Joy and bliss
That we feel
That we yearn to share
With non judgmental souls
We long to be heard
Acknowledged in our pain
And accepted
So we no longer feel
So alone
On our journey
But we are never alone
We choose to be alone
By building walls
In the first place
We don’t need the walls
We only need to choose
Those who honor us
Without our walls
To be near us
And love us
In all our flaws
And our human madness
We are all a little mad
But it is perfection
Maybe humans are meant to be
A little insane
That is the beauty
Of being a human
We can be ugly
Cry and laugh
Break another’s heart
Have ours torn to shreds
Yell ugly profanities
Loose our temper
Fuck like wild animals
Pretend to be masters of disguise
Or try to be perfect
And yet still be human
Because that’s what it means
To be a human being
To have all the flaws
That this world can hold
And still be who we are
At the core
Of the souls we are.
Love.
Yes, we are love
All of us
Hiding in human skins
Forgetting we are
Divine.
See our insanity?
Have a good belly laugh
At our idiosyncrasies
Beautiful hilarious silliness
Crazy divine beings
Of light and love
Pretending to be
Everything we are not.
We think we are
All but divine
When will we snap out of this
And begin accepting
That we really are love.
PURE LOVE.

Jess Rock — with Gerry Toevank.
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Old 12-06-2014, 09:15 PM   #1142
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Old 12-07-2014, 07:21 AM   #1143
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My mum is having problems with depression and I feel powerless to help her. I can offer advice and tell her I care and such, but I worry that due to certain issues of my own I'll never be able to be comforting when she needs that.
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Old 12-08-2014, 12:24 PM   #1144
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My mum is having problems with depression and I feel powerless to help her. I can offer advice and tell her I care and such, but I worry that due to certain issues of my own I'll never be able to be comforting when she needs that.
I am in the same boat. My mom suffers from depression probably much worse than my own but she is always so cynical and negative about everything. Not only do I already have a difficult time expression my emotions, but showing people, especially family, that I care is really hard for me to do... It just seems unnatural to me. So I can totally understand how you can feel you'll never be able to be "comforting"... but you can always try. We've always been a close family - but never like, SUPER close or told each other everything. If you guys argue, try to be the first to apologize, as that's what I did. My sister always tells me to apologize first and if there is an argument don't yell back because it'll make things worse. We had an argument last night in which afterwards she stated sarcastically that I just made her night 10 times better. I did what I was doing, and came back 10 minutes later, saying: I am sorry I yelled at you, sorry you feel that way and I feel that way too - but that being pissed off at me for no reason (especially since I had JUST gotten home from work) wasn't going to help either of us. Since you're situation is a bit different, maybe just say along the same lines. I'm sorry you feel this way, I wish I could help, but I am also feeling the same sort of way and I hope you feel better. I think acknowledging it and saying something at least would be better than not. I'm sure she knows you are there for her and that you love her but sometimes we all need a reminder.
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Old 12-09-2014, 05:51 PM   #1145
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Current book I am reading and working my way through - http://www.amazon.com/Back-Life-Resi...k+to+life+book - it's not easy but it is slowly helping, along with other methods as well. Holding all of you in my prayers....
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Old 12-13-2014, 04:45 AM   #1146
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For whatever reason, my depression has gotten bad again lately. I've spent the last two evenings cryings, feeling like their is a hole inside my chest full of pain and suffering. Doesn't help that I feel like such a failure and terrible person. I might have to get rid of my new guinea pig because she is making me feel worse, jumping me up all the time and making me feel hated and like even more of a failure. I know I am being irrational so I'm going to the doctors on monday to try and sort something out with my medication.

Because feeling like I want to grab my baby guinea pig and throw her out the window is far from normal for me.
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Old 12-13-2014, 07:00 AM   #1147
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For whatever reason, my depression has gotten bad again lately. I've spent the last two evenings cryings, feeling like their is a hole inside my chest full of pain and suffering. Doesn't help that I feel like such a failure and terrible person. I might have to get rid of my new guinea pig because she is making me feel worse, jumping me up all the time and making me feel hated and like even more of a failure. I know I am being irrational so I'm going to the doctors on monday to try and sort something out with my medication.

Because feeling like I want to grab my baby guinea pig and throw her out the window is far from normal for me.
I hope your doctor is able to help. It sucks when you have thoughts you know are irrational because knowing they're irrational doesn't make it hurt any less. I don't know what the weather by you is like but this time of year tends to be difficult for people because the days are getting shorter and lack of sunlight can increase depression.
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Old 12-13-2014, 07:33 AM   #1148
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I hope your doctor is able to help. It sucks when you have thoughts you know are irrational because knowing they're irrational doesn't make it hurt any less. I don't know what the weather by you is like but this time of year tends to be difficult for people because the days are getting shorter and lack of sunlight can increase depression.
Thank you, and I hope so too. A lot of people around here have problems with depression in winter actually, now that you mention it. Our daylight in the winter is about 9am-4pm so probably only about seven hours or so. I don't spend much time in the sunlight actually so maybe I ought to try and go outside when it is daytime sometimes.
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Old 12-13-2014, 08:14 AM   #1149
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Thank you, and I hope so too. A lot of people around here have problems with depression in winter actually, now that you mention it. Our daylight in the winter is about 9am-4pm so probably only about seven hours or so. I don't spend much time in the sunlight actually so maybe I ought to try and go outside when it is daytime sometimes.
That might help. I had an ex who became severely depressed and it turned out he had a severe vitamin D deficiency. Getting more sunlight may help, I know I struggle more when I don't get enough sun.
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Old 12-24-2014, 12:01 AM   #1150
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I am in the same boat. My mom suffers from depression probably much worse than my own but she is always so cynical and negative about everything. Not only do I already have a difficult time expression my emotions, but showing people, especially family, that I care is really hard for me to do... It just seems unnatural to me. So I can totally understand how you can feel you'll never be able to be "comforting"... but you can always try. We've always been a close family - but never like, SUPER close or told each other everything. If you guys argue, try to be the first to apologize, as that's what I did. My sister always tells me to apologize first and if there is an argument don't yell back because it'll make things worse. We had an argument last night in which afterwards she stated sarcastically that I just made her night 10 times better. I did what I was doing, and came back 10 minutes later, saying: I am sorry I yelled at you, sorry you feel that way and I feel that way too - but that being pissed off at me for no reason (especially since I had JUST gotten home from work) wasn't going to help either of us. Since you're situation is a bit different, maybe just say along the same lines. I'm sorry you feel this way, I wish I could help, but I am also feeling the same sort of way and I hope you feel better. I think acknowledging it and saying something at least would be better than not. I'm sure she knows you are there for her and that you love her but sometimes we all need a reminder.
Hi x0 . . 0x,

When I read your response to the depression theme, it immediately struck me that your case is probably actually worse than your mother's. She (and sis) are using you as a "kicking boy" to mentally beat up on when they need an outlet. It doesn't sound like you have much of an outlet yourself. Depressed or not, you really need to start standing up for yourself more. You do not owe anybody the rights to dump on you when they are feeling off their feed. It took me over sixty years to realize that my mom was doing the same thing to me - she would "confide" all kinds of weird stuff to me and not give my brothers the same "pleasure" I was getting. I finally had to call it quits when she got on a kick about she wanted to die, right now today. The last time I let her go on a death kick, she said she wanted to die 9 times in two hours - while I was in her room.

Finally, I told her I don't want to hear it any more. No more death wishes while I am in her presence. I just don't want to hear them - at all. I was going to leave the minute she started it. I told her she will have to find someone else to talk about that. However, I did take the precaution of telling her nurse and doctor about her death wishes and told them she need antidepressants and mood enhancing drugs. She it getting meds, but I think she needs more, they just won't medicate her that heavily in the nursing home. They have taken all sharp stuff from her and check her room for hazards tho.

Also, in your case, pay attention to Tina Turner's advice . . . "Love has nothing to do with it (what you are going thru with your family)." I'm pretty sure that when your mom had you as a new baby, she didn't say "here's someone I can rage at and tell all my bad feeling to. This child will be my emotional toxic outlet."

As you state in your last sentence, you love your mum and are there for her - but you don't need to bleed on the floor or cut yourself to prove that. The best way you can honor your mom (and the rest of your ancestors) is to be a strong, balanced woman, and do the best you can with what you've got. Don't throw your gifts away, use them wisely. If meds are needed, by all means take them. My motto has always been " Better living thru chemistry". Be smart enough to watch out for the bad meds and don't spend the rent on them either.

And I know I shouldn't say the following, but I can't help myself. About your guinea pig. I get a yearly Christmas catalog from Heifer Project that gives animals to people around the world to help stop starvation and give them some income. Heifer Project actually offers to place guinea pigs in cultures where they are commonly used as food (an excellent source of protein). So if piglet gets too fractious, the stew pot or BBQ may be a good choice. (If this blows the lid off anyone's pressure cooker, I can give you the address of Hefier Project. It's next to the Clinton Presidential library.)
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