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Old 12-24-2014, 12:28 AM   #1151
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Originally Posted by lille View Post
That might help. I had an ex who became severely depressed and it turned out he had a severe vitamin D deficiency. Getting more sunlight may help, I know I struggle more when I don't get enough sun.

Hi lille, I couldn't help but notice your comment about Vitamin D deficiency. My doctor gives me some blood tests a couple of times a year, The last time I went in, his nurse called and said my Vit D levels were very low. He prescribed a mega dose of Vit D once a week, This amounts to 50,000 units in one pill. The normal amount we eat is around 2 mg. I believe 50,000 units is several hundred times stronger than a multi vitamin. (However, I am mathematically challenged.) Anyways, while taking the mega dose, most days I do feel better physically and mentally.

Also correction to previous post - After re-reading response, I realize that the guinea pig instead belonged to Loopy. Sorry.

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Old 12-29-2014, 03:15 PM   #1152
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I feel like I'm wearing out the people I care about most with my downness (that very much includes you Dimsfolk). That thought, on top of the depression itself, makes it that much harder to swallow.

I've made meager attempts to stay positive, or at least.... "if you can't say anything good, don't say anything at all." But right now I'm just bone-weary. Life has never felt more meaningless. I don't know. That's just all I got right now.
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Old 12-30-2014, 02:13 AM   #1153
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I feel like I'm wearing out the people I care about most with my downness (that very much includes you Dimsfolk). That thought, on top of the depression itself, makes it that much harder to swallow.

I've made meager attempts to stay positive, or at least.... "if you can't say anything good, don't say anything at all." But right now I'm just bone-weary. Life has never felt more meaningless. I don't know. That's just all I got right now.
I guarantee that anyone who truly cares about you won't feel worn out or tired of your downness. It's actually common to feel something akin to guilt (or just general extra badness) for the way you imagine its affecting people close to you; it's just the nature of the beast, so to speak. But try to give yourself a gentle reminder that that sort of thinking isn't really accurate. You're still the amazing person they know and love. More than anything, they're probably concerned with your well-being and would like to be supportive.

You shouldn't have to hide your feelings or pretend you feel differently for anyone, especially when it makes you feel worse. Life is tiring, and when your brain is being an asshole when it comes to neurotransmitter production and it feels like you can hardly enjoy a goddamn thing, it makes it infinitely harder to make meaning out of existence. Even if someone can't directly relate with what you're experiencing, you're trying as hard as you can and anyone who can't be understanding about that can get fucked. So don't be afraid about being open about how you're really feeling. Be kind and patient towards yourself. And take note of those little moments that do make life a little more tolerable, blow them out of proportion, and smile at the absurdity of it
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Old 12-30-2014, 08:34 AM   #1154
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I guarantee that anyone who truly cares about you won't feel worn out or tired of your downness. It's actually common to feel something akin to guilt (or just general extra badness) for the way you imagine its affecting people close to you; it's just the nature of the beast, so to speak. But try to give yourself a gentle reminder that that sort of thinking isn't really accurate. You're still the amazing person they know and love. More than anything, they're probably concerned with your well-being and would like to be supportive.

You shouldn't have to hide your feelings or pretend you feel differently for anyone, especially when it makes you feel worse. Life is tiring, and when your brain is being an asshole when it comes to neurotransmitter production and it feels like you can hardly enjoy a goddamn thing, it makes it infinitely harder to make meaning out of existence. Even if someone can't directly relate with what you're experiencing, you're trying as hard as you can and anyone who can't be understanding about that can get fucked. So don't be afraid about being open about how you're really feeling. Be kind and patient towards yourself. And take note of those little moments that do make life a little more tolerable, blow them out of proportion, and smile at the absurdity of it
Thank you so much for this. Seriously. I suppose I'd heard exasperated loved ones accuse depressed people of self-absorption often enough, that it actually didn't occur to me how common that particular source of guilt was. But yes, I certainly see that it's the nature of the beast, as you said.

So just.... thank you, again. This meant an especially great amount coming from you
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Old 12-30-2014, 08:45 AM   #1155
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I can't say it better than Miss A. said. But I am sending the best thoughts your way as I know all too well how hard the black dog is on a person.

Be kind to yourself. xx

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Thank you so much for this. Seriously. I suppose I'd heard exasperated loved ones accuse depressed people of self-absorption often enough, that it actually didn't occur to me how common that particular source of guilt was. But yes, I certainly see that it's the nature of the beast, as you said.

So just.... thank you, again. This meant an especially great amount coming from you
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Old 01-12-2015, 06:35 PM   #1156
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I'm not sure if this is the correct thread to post this, but I figured I might as well anyway.

I've been living at home since I graduated in May, probably until August when I start graduate school. But after going on a trip for a week and a half, I once again feel cognizant of the fact that I can barely feel okay at home. When I'm seemingly anywhere else - like on a trip, or when I was living at school - I feel pretty normal. Whenever I get back home, almost immediately, it's like my body completely changes. I'm exhausted all the time, even when getting better sleep than I did when I was away. I just don't want to get out of bed, ever. I don't feel like doing anything. It all feels hollow and pointless. I have no motivation. There's no sort of future that feels appealing; it feels like I'm constantly killing time (until like, 3am until 7am when I can find things enjoyable again.) I have a theoretical desire to improve myself, but can think of nothing that would feel satisfying or worthwhile in that respect. I know there's things I SHOULD do, but it feels like an uphill battle against my body to do them.

The thing is, I don't know why this happens. I've always had issues, specifically, with being home - I hated summer breaks, and I thought I was doing better now, considering I haven't had any major "suicide is inevitable" episodes. I suppose my question is...is this possible? I remember at school thinking that I was so incredibly happy. After being home for a long period of time, I wonder if I ever could have felt that...but there's nothing in particular that I really hate at home. I don't understand why I feel so differently here. I feel like getting a job might help...but I've only driven <10 times on my own, and the prospect of driving in central NY winter weather is somewhat nerve-wracking with so little experience. I just feel like I could be doing SO much more with my free time, yet can't make myself want to (even though, in some abstract way, I really want to, if that makes sense. Granted, I'm not sure it even makes sense to me.)
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Old 01-13-2015, 08:49 AM   #1157
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I'm not sure if this is the correct thread to post this, but I figured I might as well anyway.

I've been living at home since I graduated in May, probably until August when I start graduate school. But after going on a trip for a week and a half, I once again feel cognizant of the fact that I can barely feel okay at home. When I'm seemingly anywhere else - like on a trip, or when I was living at school - I feel pretty normal. Whenever I get back home, almost immediately, it's like my body completely changes. I'm exhausted all the time, even when getting better sleep than I did when I was away. I just don't want to get out of bed, ever. I don't feel like doing anything. It all feels hollow and pointless. I have no motivation. There's no sort of future that feels appealing; it feels like I'm constantly killing time (until like, 3am until 7am when I can find things enjoyable again.) I have a theoretical desire to improve myself, but can think of nothing that would feel satisfying or worthwhile in that respect. I know there's things I SHOULD do, but it feels like an uphill battle against my body to do them.

The thing is, I don't know why this happens. I've always had issues, specifically, with being home - I hated summer breaks, and I thought I was doing better now, considering I haven't had any major "suicide is inevitable" episodes. I suppose my question is...is this possible? I remember at school thinking that I was so incredibly happy. After being home for a long period of time, I wonder if I ever could have felt that...but there's nothing in particular that I really hate at home. I don't understand why I feel so differently here. I feel like getting a job might help...but I've only driven <10 times on my own, and the prospect of driving in central NY winter weather is somewhat nerve-wracking with so little experience. I just feel like I could be doing SO much more with my free time, yet can't make myself want to (even though, in some abstract way, I really want to, if that makes sense. Granted, I'm not sure it even makes sense to me.)
Well, it makes sense to me. More than I can say..... albeit on the level that I can identify with it. God knows why the things we realise would ultimately edify us feel so miserably counter-intuitive to do. I could have written a lot of this myself, so I'm not sure how helpful this reply will be, apart from the solidarity of it.

You seem to be someone that really prizes your individuality and independence. Could it be, at some level, that being home just feels like a rather discouraging step backwards from being able to.... live a life that is truly yours? I also know I don't do too well with that trapped feeling of not being able to get out much on my own. Even if that's just some of the time, it can really get to me. As far as the doing of things, if you're already feeling quite down on yourself for 'not doing much worthwhile' it's a pretty demotivating place to have to launch yourself into positive activity from. Especially if life just feels really monotonous anyway, because not much is naturally happening around you (no external responsibilities, etc) -- almost all the 'happening' is on you :/

I really admire you for a lot of things. You've been completely gracious and awesome in the time you've been feeling this way. And I'm sure you've been really hard on yourself about all sorts, which is both understandable and hard to comprehend from where I'm sitting And, even though I've been quiet for a while now (precisely because I haven't wanted to out-negative you), I have been thinking about you and wondering how you're doing. I'm still always here for venting / distraction / both. Genuinely.
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Old 01-13-2015, 11:26 AM   #1158
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I've been living at home since I graduated in May, probably until August when I start graduate school. But after going on a trip for a week and a half, I once again feel cognizant of the fact that I can barely feel okay at home.
I'm very sorry to hear this Amaranthine.

Have you defined for yourself why exactly you're so unhappy at home?
Is it related to the people you're with? Families can have strange and burdening structures and being related doesn't at all mean you're a good match. Or it can be that you and the surrounding socio-demographic, it's traditions and behavioral patterns simply don't fit. Or is it more the place itself - you're a city girl at heart stuck in the country or vice-versa? A house where the construction itself, layout, materials, etc. makes you feel physically uncomfortable?

Knowing what exactly is the problem is the first step to maybe solving it.

Some other thoughts on what you wrote:

Practice driving! One of a girl's best friends has 4 wheels - it's a ticket to independence, freedom of movement and also safety. Better now than later, when you at grad school or looking for a job there's much less time.

Have you thought about maybe some job that can be done online? That would keep you in the unloved home - but also give you the opportunity to save money and go on a longer trip for at least some of the time.

In that line - since you know you've got months on your hands - have you looked into maybe short term scholarships, exchange programs or the like to get away from home? There are tons of them around, starting from short 4-6 weeks, but also like 3 months. In case you have any ideas what you would like to explore let me know, because I have some knowledge in the field, might be able to give you some leads.

Bonne chance!
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Old 01-13-2015, 02:07 PM   #1159
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Default I try to do a good-job; but, yeah-ha, the wheels start to come off a bit...

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"...living at home since I graduated in May, ...can barely feel okay at home...Whenever I get back home, almost immediately, it's like my body completely changes. I'm exhausted all the time, even when getting better sleep than I did when I was away....I remember at school thinking that I was so incredibly happy....I'm not sure it even makes sense to me."
No, that totally makes sense. Not to say that you're not actually depressed, but the transition of going from living on or near a college campus, surrounded by so many young & like-minded people and all of their creative energy and dynamics, to a place that (in some sense) you probably feel like you've already moved-on from; I think that would prove an emotional and motivational challenge for most people.

I also think that, in that type of scenario, being somewhat of a a loner probably makes it even more difficult. As, in an educational setting, you kind of get used to the idea of not really having to put forth too much effort just to be around other human beings, and a fairly diverse range of them. And a bit complacent with respect to the extent to which how important that is, psychologically; particularly so without a whole lot of real meaningful interaction.

Also, you've talked a bit before about your reading. Which, to me, just from the sound of it, it seems like you've developed a pretty strong aptitude there; and, also to mention, something of an actual regimen, even if (maybe) you don't quite look at it that way. And that's great; by all means, continue to exercise that muscle to it's fullest capacity. But, as with anything, particularly any kind of solitary activity you find yourself with a real energy & ambition for: Carry the task, don't let it carry you. Make a conscious habit of taking regular breaks to attend to your other needs (a drink of water, decent food, getting up for a brief walk, being face to face with another person for a few minutes or so, etc....). Or, similarly, on an off-night, out with friends and such; drinking, smoking, junk-foods, etc...are no big deal. But, just recognize that as you begin to condition yourself to demand more heavily from your own physical and mental strengths, these dirty-fuels will tend produce something like a hang-over type of effect...

As others have pointed out, you should also try to drive as much as you can while you're still with your folks to practice more and learn to better navigate at least your local area. So, well before you actually become a much more experienced driver, you're at least more than capable to get back and forth from the most important places. Like, if your mom goes shopping or something, just force yourself to get up and go with her and ask to drive. But maybe with more of an eye towards just the immediate goal of self-stimulation, changing your own scenery.

Likewise, as much as you practically can, insist on driving your dad around for his errands. Or, maybe, if he will at some point let you drive him into to work. (And then, maybe, you can hang-out at a nearby Starbucks while he's at work) Particularly if he's the type that always has to be in the driver's seat. This will actually, ultimately, build your confidence as a driver. And could very well make for some quality-time memories. Besides, how gangster is that just to drive a cranky old man around on his errands:

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Old 01-13-2015, 09:47 PM   #1160
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First off, thank you so much for the replies. All the suggestions were really wonderful, and I genuinely appreciate it. Uh, sorry for the absolutely too-long post.

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And, even though I've been quiet for a while now (precisely because I haven't wanted to out-negative you), I have been thinking about you and wondering how you're doing. I'm still always here for venting / distraction / both. Genuinely.
I completely agree about the lack of external responsibilities; it's so much easier knowing that anyone OTHER than you relies on you to get something done. But you can always come vent to me when you wish! It's pretty hard to out-negative me, unless you're my parents. Some mutual life-complaining and support might be nice

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Have you defined for yourself why exactly you're so unhappy at home?
Knowing what exactly is the problem is the first step to maybe solving it.
I have tried to figure it out, but I've never been able to pinpoint it exactly. Since high school, I remember wishing my parents would get divorced. They fight all the time. They're never affectionate. Most of what my mom says to me = complaints. About everything. There's not one person in my family that I would consider happy. Traveling is probably one of my favorite things to do, but we've never gone on a family vacation because they absolutely hate going...anywhere, especially together.

We do live in the suburbs...which is the worst living situation, in my opinion. I'd rather have the beauty of the countryside or the bustle of a city...not the blandness of middle class family life. And...having gone to a somewhat uppity Catholic school as an atheist...I have about one friend left here to spend time with. It feels as if I've been physically conditioned, over a long period of time, to just be a certain way here...and I don't feel as if I have the willpower to seriously try to re-program.

Quote:
Have you thought about maybe some job that can be done online? That would keep you in the unloved home - but also give you the opportunity to save money and go on a longer trip for at least some of the time.

In that line - since you know you've got months on your hands - have you looked into maybe short term scholarships, exchange programs or the like to get away from home? There are tons of them around, starting from short 4-6 weeks, but also like 3 months. In case you have any ideas what you would like to explore let me know, because I have some knowledge in the field, might be able to give you some leads.
Bonne chance!
I actually have briefly considered an online job, but have been pretty unsure about how to find those opportunities. I may start back up on that, just to see if anything turns up. I hadn't thought about doing anything academic like that, but I love the idea. My major fields of interest are psychology (/neuroscience,) philosophy, and literature...but I would be pretty flexible on anything that even touched on those fields. I would very much appreciate any information you could give me on that - and thank you for the suggestion

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I also think that, in that type of scenario, being somewhat of a a loner probably makes it even more difficult. As, in an educational setting, you kind of get used to the idea of not really having to put forth too much effort just to be around other human beings, and a fairly diverse range of them.

Also, you've talked a bit before about your reading. Which, to me, just from the sound of it, it seems like you've developed a pretty strong aptitude there; and, also to mention, something of an actual regimen, even if (maybe) you don't quite look at it that way.

As others have pointed out, you should also try to drive as much as you can while you're still with your folks to practice more and learn to better navigate at least your local area.
That's very true; my IRL social life is virtually non-existent when I'm home (as I sort-of mentioned in my above blurb.) My parents have always been very on the stifling side and I feel as if that prevents me from trying to meet anyone new. But I do try to take frequent enough trips and fill that time with socialization. My mom also spends a good deal of time reading up on anything bad that could ever happen to anyone (gangs! gangs everywhere,) so trying to do anything in my typical loner style is almost too much of a fight to bother (No, you can't go there. You'll get murdered IMMEDIATELY. And raped. You can go there after I die.)

I actually do sort of look at it as a regimen; I've tried to shift my recreational time into something that I can consider beneficial on a cognitive and emotional level, so I've been trying to expose myself to a variety of themes. But I do try to fit in fruits/veggies/the occasional thing shamelessly fried in bacon grease...along with a tea/rooibos regimen for healthy hydration.

I wish the driving thing were as simple as that. My dad works second shift and drives a pick-up...which he wouldn't allow me to drive. My mom is too stressed out to go anywhere 90% of the time. And they got me driving lessons before just so they wouldn't have to take the time to let me practice with them. But I'll definitely try to force my mom's hand when she goes out for her daily taking-care-of-dependent-elderly trip. They both actually hate driving, so they pretty much outright discourage me from trying to drive in winter weather...even though it's a necessity here.
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Old 01-14-2015, 08:48 AM   #1161
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I guarantee that anyone who truly cares about you won't feel worn out or tired of your downness. It's actually common to feel something akin to guilt (or just general extra badness) for the way you imagine its affecting people close to you; it's just the nature of the beast, so to speak. But try to give yourself a gentle reminder that that sort of thinking isn't really accurate. You're still the amazing person they know and love. More than anything, they're probably concerned with your well-being and would like to be supportive.

You shouldn't have to hide your feelings or pretend you feel differently for anyone, especially when it makes you feel worse. Life is tiring, and when your brain is being an asshole when it comes to neurotransmitter production and it feels like you can hardly enjoy a goddamn thing, it makes it infinitely harder to make meaning out of existence. Even if someone can't directly relate with what you're experiencing, you're trying as hard as you can and anyone who can't be understanding about that can get fucked. So don't be afraid about being open about how you're really feeling. Be kind and patient towards yourself. And take note of those little moments that do make life a little more tolerable, blow them out of proportion, and smile at the absurdity of it
this may be a stretch, but what was your childhood like? Did you have problems at home when you were younger?
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Old 01-14-2015, 01:15 PM   #1162
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this may be a stretch, but what was your childhood like? Did you have problems at home when you were younger?
I was an outlandishly shy, socially anxious mess until...I started college, I suppose. Before kindergarten, I grew up mostly alone/absorbed in my imagination. I had so much trouble with elementary school that my mom had to actually work at the school for me to be okay with being there. My biggest issue in my teens was having my mom be so overprotective that she wouldn't let me do anything without every detail of who would be there/which parents/how long - and it made me so anxious that I just stopped asking. Or they just didn't want to have to drive me. So I suppose I always felt trapped here? I still feel like I can't really be open with my parents, whereas I can with most anyone else.

Also, I always had the habit of being a complete night owl here, and that's the primary thing I can't seem to get out of physically. I tend to get insomnia if I try to sleep before 5 lately, but only here.
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Old 01-17-2015, 10:32 AM   #1163
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If I didn't have my boyfriend, I would probably kill myself. I am so so alone.
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Old 01-17-2015, 11:00 AM   #1164
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I've been living at home since I graduated in May, probably until August when I start graduate school. But after going on a trip for a week and a half, I once again feel cognizant of the fact that I can barely feel okay at home. When I'm seemingly anywhere else - like on a trip, or when I was living at school - I feel pretty normal. Whenever I get back home, almost immediately, it's like my body completely changes. I'm exhausted all the time, even when getting better sleep than I did when I was away. I just don't want to get out of bed, ever. I don't feel like doing anything. It all feels hollow and pointless. I have no motivation. There's no sort of future that feels appealing; it feels like I'm constantly killing time (until like, 3am until 7am when I can find things enjoyable again.) I have a theoretical desire to improve myself, but can think of nothing that would feel satisfying or worthwhile in that respect. I know there's things I SHOULD do, but it feels like an uphill battle against my body to do them.

The thing is, I don't know why this happens. I've always had issues, specifically, with being home - I hated summer breaks, and I thought I was doing better now, considering I haven't had any major "suicide is inevitable" episodes. I suppose my question is...is this possible? I remember at school thinking that I was so incredibly happy. After being home for a long period of time, I wonder if I ever could have felt that...but there's nothing in particular that I really hate at home. I don't understand why I feel so differently here. I feel like getting a job might help...but I've only driven <10 times on my own, and the prospect of driving in central NY winter weather is somewhat nerve-wracking with so little experience. I just feel like I could be doing SO much more with my free time, yet can't make myself want to (even though, in some abstract way, I really want to, if that makes sense. Granted, I'm not sure it even makes sense to me.)
Could it be a physical reaction to something in the house? High EMF can make people feel sick, tired and depressed.
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Old 02-04-2015, 02:07 AM   #1165
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This post is bound to be long, upsetting and unflattering. Please, nobody feel compelled to actually read it.

My desire to die has increased more than I ever believed possible (as in, possible for my previously almost-Polyanna self). Unfortunately, the truth is, I probably wonít attempt suicide. The odds of successful suicide by drug poisoning are just too weak, and the risk of causing even more damage to myself upon survival is too great. And, for some reason, Iím not ok with the thought of going out any other way but peacefully. With some substances/combos, there doesnít seem to be enough of a guarantee that the dying process will be hallucination-free or relaxing. Other, more effective pills seem near impossible to obtain. Rightly so, I guess. This isnít childís play. So, even though the thought of falling asleep and never waking up again is incredibly appealing right now, I suppose Iím not desperate enough to consider other methods.

Pity, because life still seems anything but worthwhile to me. If the next 30 years are to be anything like the last 30 have been, I feel inclined to say I want no part of it. I know this post may make it seem like I havenít even been trying to find some sort of meaning to it all, however small. But Iíve been doing nothing but trying for the last 3 months.

First of all, thereís this deep feeling of misanthropy I canít seem to find a cure for anymore. Iím actually surprised itís taken me all of 29 years to feel this way. Considering my fucked up track record with the phenomenon known as Ďpeopleí Ė or maybe I should say, their fucked up track record with me Ė youíd think I would have adopted this feeling way sooner. Maybe Iíve let myself down there by being too much of a pushover. With that in mind, Iíve lost one of my greatest pleasures in life, helping/supporting other people. It just doesnít seem remotely fulfilling to me anymoreÖ.with the possssible exception of someone that is feeling as low as I am atm. There, at least, I feel like itís a totally worthwhile thing to listen and show lots of compassion.

In terms of friends, 99% of my friends are guys. I donít know why, but itís been that way most of my life. And lately, knowing that Iíve been dealing with some heartbreak, not a single, solitary ONE of them have not flirted me up like thereís no tomorrow. I mean, I donít want to malign them for it. Maybe they thought itíd be flattering or somehow helpful. Maybe they didnít realise the extent of how depressed Iíve been. Apart from this post, I havenít admitted my suicidal thoughts to anyone. But, Iím sorry, it feels like the exact opposite of helpful and flattering. It feels opportunistic, flippant and at times even a bit sleazy.

Another purpose Iíd always ascribed to my life was that of romantic love. I am monogamous at heart in the deepest way a person can be. Like, actually entertaining any temptations in some of the milder ways a person might do, doesnít even sound fun to me. My favourite thing to do with any sexiness I might perceive in someone outside of my partner, would have been to relate it to him somehow in my mind / use it to enhance my already very-much-fixed attraction to him. Itís hard to feel that way and not wish for someone to return that sentiment. Iíve heard this attitude of mine labelled as misandric/unfair/unnatural so many times Ė and Iíve seen so many disheartening situations unfold, plus had disappointments of my own Ė that Iím (still) losing hope in love altogether as well. Despite my very best efforts to be optimistic.

I am also addicted to food. Itís been pretty much my only source of comfort. The only time I feel ok is when Iím eating something delicious.

The one other thing that I TRY to revel in as a worthwhile raison díÍtre, is enjoying my brainís capacity for learning and knowing things, and working as hard as I feel able to. Honestly, it feels like a very minor consolation prize and not much worth actually living for. But I guess itís something worth surviving for, for now.

(PS: I am on an SSRI; and I will be calling my therapist today to start seeing her again. I might also look into a support group of sorts, because this really is the end of my tether.)
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Old 02-04-2015, 01:45 PM   #1166
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This post is bound to be long, upsetting and unflattering. Please, nobody feel compelled to actually read it.

My desire to die has increased more than I ever believed possible (as in, possible for my previously almost-Polyanna self). Unfortunately, the truth is, I probably wonít attempt suicide. The odds of successful suicide by drug poisoning are just too weak, and the risk of causing even more damage to myself upon survival is too great. And, for some reason, Iím not ok with the thought of going out any other way but peacefully. With some substances/combos, there doesnít seem to be enough of a guarantee that the dying process will be hallucination-free or relaxing. Other, more effective pills seem near impossible to obtain. Rightly so, I guess. This isnít childís play. So, even though the thought of falling asleep and never waking up again is incredibly appealing right now, I suppose Iím not desperate enough to consider other methods.

Pity, because life still seems anything but worthwhile to me. If the next 30 years are to be anything like the last 30 have been, I feel inclined to say I want no part of it. I know this post may make it seem like I havenít even been trying to find some sort of meaning to it all, however small. But Iíve been doing nothing but trying for the last 3 months.

First of all, thereís this deep feeling of misanthropy I canít seem to find a cure for anymore. Iím actually surprised itís taken me all of 29 years to feel this way. Considering my fucked up track record with the phenomenon known as Ďpeopleí Ė or maybe I should say, their fucked up track record with me Ė youíd think I would have adopted this feeling way sooner. Maybe Iíve let myself down there by being too much of a pushover. With that in mind, Iíve lost one of my greatest pleasures in life, helping/supporting other people. It just doesnít seem remotely fulfilling to me anymoreÖ.with the possssible exception of someone that is feeling as low as I am atm. There, at least, I feel like itís a totally worthwhile thing to listen and show lots of compassion.

In terms of friends, 99% of my friends are guys. I donít know why, but itís been that way most of my life. And lately, knowing that Iíve been dealing with some heartbreak, not a single, solitary ONE of them have not flirted me up like thereís no tomorrow. I mean, I donít want to malign them for it. Maybe they thought itíd be flattering or somehow helpful. Maybe they didnít realise the extent of how depressed Iíve been. Apart from this post, I havenít admitted my suicidal thoughts to anyone. But, Iím sorry, it feels like the exact opposite of helpful and flattering. It feels opportunistic, flippant and at times even a bit sleazy.

Another purpose Iíd always ascribed to my life was that of romantic love. I am monogamous at heart in the deepest way a person can be. Like, actually entertaining any temptations in some of the milder ways a person might do, doesnít even sound fun to me. My favourite thing to do with any sexiness I might perceive in someone outside of my partner, would have been to relate it to him somehow in my mind / use it to enhance my already very-much-fixed attraction to him. Itís hard to feel that way and not wish for someone to return that sentiment. Iíve heard this attitude of mine labelled as misandric/unfair/unnatural so many times Ė and Iíve seen so many disheartening situations unfold, plus had disappointments of my own Ė that Iím (still) losing hope in love altogether as well. Despite my very best efforts to be optimistic.

I am also addicted to food. Itís been pretty much my only source of comfort. The only time I feel ok is when Iím eating something delicious.

The one other thing that I TRY to revel in as a worthwhile raison díÍtre, is enjoying my brainís capacity for learning and knowing things, and working as hard as I feel able to. Honestly, it feels like a very minor consolation prize and not much worth actually living for. But I guess itís something worth surviving for, for now.

(PS: I am on an SSRI; and I will be calling my therapist today to start seeing her again. I might also look into a support group of sorts, because this really is the end of my tether.)
It seems like your depression has escalated since I 1st noticed your posts in 2013. Do you feel that has been the case? During this time. Can you recall any major changes, in either medication, lifestyle changes, people in your life (including therapists/therapies) that you noticed any small improvements? One other thoughtÖ Have you moved during these trying times?
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Old 02-04-2015, 03:29 PM   #1167
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ODFFA I'm sorry you're feeling so low right now. I'm glad to hear that you're going to talk to your therapist about the thoughts you've been having, and I hope s/he is able to help. As uncomfortable as it may be, you might want to tell your fiends that they're flirting isn not helpful right now. You don't have to disclose suicidal thoughts, but you can tell them that you're feeling low and that you'd appreciate their support in some other way.
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Old 02-04-2015, 07:26 PM   #1168
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It seems like your depression has escalated since I 1st noticed your posts in 2013. Do you feel that has been the case? During this time. Can you recall any major changes, in either medication, lifestyle changes, people in your life (including therapists/therapies) that you noticed any small improvements? One other thoughtÖ Have you moved during these trying times?
Oh, it's escalated tremendously. I hadn't had suicidal thoughts at all up until a few months ago. The only major lifestyle-type changes since 2013 have been, from earliest to latest: I had a break-in occur in late 2013, during which I was threatened at knife point. It was also around that time that I started giving in more and more to food addictions and started picking up weight. I've steadily picked up quite a bit since.

I started seeing said therapist, though at the time it was for anxiety that was resurfacing a bit and for dealing with family issues. Depression hardly even came up. But a few months ago I recognised that I really was depressed and started taking an SSRI.

And for two years I'd been in a complicated long-distance situation with someone, which has just now ended in my losing the person's friendship altogether.

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ODFFA I'm sorry you're feeling so low right now. I'm glad to hear that you're going to talk to your therapist about the thoughts you've been having, and I hope s/he is able to help. As uncomfortable as it may be, you might want to tell your fiends that they're flirting isn not helpful right now. You don't have to disclose suicidal thoughts, but you can tell them that you're feeling low and that you'd appreciate their support in some other way.
Thanks, lille I'll be doing that now.
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Old 02-04-2015, 10:32 PM   #1169
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ODFFA,

So sorry that you've been struggling.

For what it's worth, your thoughts regarding romantic love seem to me to be the ideal; you should never feel that they're unnatural or any of the other negative labels you mentioned.

I know from some of your other posts that you've been exploring your spirituality, expressing yourself through poetry, and taking language classes; I'm just sorry that you haven't been able to derive much satisfaction or comfort from any of it. It seems like you're doing everything right to try to deal with these feelings. Please just hang in there! Going through the motions may seem pointless now, but hopefully this is a phase of your life that you will be able to work through so that one day you can find the sense of purpose and meaning that you seek.

Hugs to you.
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Old 02-05-2015, 03:50 AM   #1170
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...been doing nothing but trying for the last 3 months.....
Whenever I feel like that, I try to remind myself that I'm surviving. Which is always better than its alternative.

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"...I had a break-in occur in late 2013, during which I was threatened at knife point...deep feeling of misanthropy..."
That's pretty major. Even outside of the context of being a young woman with a disability in a developing country. Most people who experience something like that ultimately benefit from a certain period of readjustment. Which, necessarily, is not always going to run so smoothly, particularly as you have subsequent, even if apparently unrelated traumas. Because, inevitably, your mind draws connections between all of these things. After all the common denominator is you. You're the one experiencing it.

But it's not your fault. And even as you (perhaps) realize that on a purely intellectual level, it (generally) requires some reinforcement. On a more experiential-level. Ultimately, returning to a scene or taking a similar risk. And seeing, for yourself, a new, better outcome. And that whatever's happened, is just that, something that once-happened.

So, that being said, you also have what are said to be more practical challenges in front of you, that require as much of whatever resolve you can muster. It's just a question of how to begin to tap into that.

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"...giving in more and more to food addictions and started picking up weight...pretty much my only source of comfort. The only time I feel ok is when Iím eating something delicious."
That one is sort of tough. Because, really, you have to eat in order to live. (As opposed to any of a number of things you could be addicted to, which are obviously not required to sustain your own life).

Best there to begin just in concentrating on getting a handle on your stress and stressors:

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"...I donít want to malign them for it. Maybe they thought itíd be flattering or somehow helpful. Maybe they didnít realise the extent of how depressed Iíve been....it feels like the exact opposite of helpful and flattering. It feels opportunistic, flippant...."
My folks are a bit old, and at that point where, at times, it really comes across some extent to which a lot of the modern world has passed them by. Like, sometimes, there are certain things they just don't understand, they don't always 'get' how things really work.

And yet, they know me. They have this implicit understanding of my whole affect, even as I try to disguise (from them) what I'm really feeling (sad, disappointed, worried, angry, etc..). So, each to some degree, they can just tell "something's wrong." And so, they say...all kinds of silly things, things that just don't really make too much sense...just to seize that opportunity to relate their own (however limited) awareness and concern. For me. So....

People just do what they know. Just as others, in this thread or in similar situations, can tend to respond in these ways that might (at times) come across as scripted or formulaic or whatever, so too does what I write just reflect....some things I know, what I've figured out for myself.

In that sense, I dunno if it's so much that men are not the-very-best at relating emotional sensitivity as much as...not having "the answer" usually tends to preclude saying more rather than less. So, in lieu of saying the wrong thing, most are more comfortable to say nothing. I know I am. And yet...

I mostly just want for you to know that I've read & thought on what you wrote. And wish I could do more than just that. As I'm sure many others as well. And that:

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Originally Posted by ODFFA View Post
"...Another purpose Iíd always ascribed to my life was that of romantic love....monogamous at heart in the deepest way...hard to feel that way and not wish for someone to return that sentiment. Iíve heard this attitude of mine labelled as misandric/unfair/unnatural so many times...."
You shouldn't listen to those people. However you feel about it is as perfectly natural to you (or anyone who wants to love you, as you, right now) as anything else about you. Romantic love is a noble pursuit, it IS a reason to live. Realized or not, unrequited, whatever. Just even the dream of it, the possibility. Whether it's your dream or anyone's, that's a reason to live, to continue. Even if just in principle.

But for so much more, because it's also a reality.

And the evidence for this is everywhere, a good % of all of the best poetry, painting, rock music, etc...


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"I started seeing said therapist, though at the time it was for anxiety that was resurfacing a bit and for dealing with family issues. Depression hardly even came up. But a few months ago I recognised that I really was depressed and started taking an SSRI. "
As I'm sure your therapist already realizes, even as anxiety and depression can often have unrelated or different trigger or causes, they're still very much related and impacting on each other. Just as any medical treatment can benefit from continuing fine-tuning if not complete re-adjustment.

However, is it possible that you're therapist is not very good at what they're doing? Don't get me wrong, maybe they're the very best, most qualified. Or maybe they have just the makings of the-next-great therapist. Like, they're still, kind of, learning, in development.

So, too, are a lot of your male friends. (So, too, am I...)

The point is, even as imperfect as any tool can seem, sometimes you just have to work it a bit harder. Maybe even until it breaks.

So, don't be afraid to tell your therapist (or any type of doctor/physician) when something's not working. Especially as they give you that unapproachable, don't-question-me vibe. Try as you might, not to sit there unquestioning. I mean, by all means, listen and be attentive, try to have an open mind. But also be ready & willing to challenge their whole approach.

Just as you should for your male friends. (Just as you should for me). Because, none of us are frail old people. We're not going to just wither away or break under the weight of some critique. Or even as maybe, sometimes, we all do; that's really more so how we're all made to learn & grow. That's how we get better and stronger in everything we do.

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"...lost one of my greatest pleasures in life, helping/supporting other people. It just doesnít seem remotely fulfilling to me anymoreÖ.with the possssible exception of someone that is feeling as low as I am atm. There, at least, I feel like itís a totally worthwhile thing to listen and show lots of compassion."
There's a definite answer in your question. But, it requires some practical support, transportation, logistics, etc... Who do you think most deserves your support? Ultimately, who could you ask to help you or what other resources are at your disposable in order to make more of a regular, ongoing commitment to it?

If it helps to change your outlook, then you certainly won't regret having tried.
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Old 02-05-2015, 10:15 PM   #1171
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...Going through the motions may seem pointless now, but hopefully this is a phase of your life that you will be able to work through so that one day you can find the sense of purpose and meaning that you seek.

Hugs to you.
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...If it helps to change your outlook, then you certainly won't regret having tried.
I'm seriously humbled by both your replies and how much thought/effort you put into them. My head is spinning in a thousand directions right now, but what you've said will sink in more and more.

Along with a few other things I've read up on + the comfort of knowing a shrink appointment is just around the corner, the kind of support (all of) you have shown me is helping me regain some hope for the future. And with that, more of the strength / presence of mind I need right now to..... well, "work those imperfect tools harder."
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Old 02-26-2015, 10:38 AM   #1172
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This whole month i've been out of my comfort zone in the biggest way possible. The outcome will be worth all the effort, but it's affected my health terribly. I'm exhausted, mentally and physically. My MS is not happy and my depression busted out all over the place yesterday and I had a mini-meltdown and fled work.

A lot of sleep (finally) helped a bit. Quiet helped a bit too.
Talking to my Mom and bestie and knowing they are going to be there for me on Saturday has helped immensely.

I'm not very good with change obviously.
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Old 03-14-2015, 09:04 PM   #1173
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Medication, talk therapy, psychiatrists etc. When do you start to think its all for nothing? I am still struggling daily. I am a good girl and go to my appts and take my pills but it never seems to help. When is it time to throw in the towel!
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Old 03-15-2015, 08:31 AM   #1174
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Medication, talk therapy, psychiatrists etc. When do you start to think its all for nothing? I am still struggling daily. I am a good girl and go to my appts and take my pills but it never seems to help. When is it time to throw in the towel!
If therapy and your meds aren't working, make sure you are telling your doctors/therapist this. Depression can be tricky and it can take a while to find what works. Something else that can help is making sure that you're being physically active on a regular basis.
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Old 03-15-2015, 08:58 AM   #1175
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Originally Posted by Beckoo View Post
Medication, talk therapy, psychiatrists etc. When do you start to think its all for nothing? I am still struggling daily. I am a good girl and go to my appts and take my pills but it never seems to help. When is it time to throw in the towel!
I've struggled with it all my life. The last 10 years have been especially bad due to custody/visitation issues with my boy and almost 8 years ago becoming a quadriplegic. Having said that I know now that being paralyzed is NOT what my problem is. You would Think that would be my MAIN problem. it would probably help some with fighting the depression, But I can't tell you the last time I said , "if only I can walk again.". I can and should be living a productive, healthy life, but the depression just Will not let me get up and do it as much as I should.

Anyway, Lillie has hit on one of the biggest things that people neglect to considerÖ Get out and talk to people. It's very easy for people like me to tend to isolate and neglect friendships/relationships. Please catch yourself before you let that happen. I have lots of acquaintances and few truly close friends. I actually put notes in my Outlook calendar to call such and such on a schedule. Even if I don't have anything to talk about I will still call just to let them hear my voice. We may only get together a few times a year, but I made sure I keep that contact.
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