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Old 10-29-2016, 01:10 AM   #1226
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Hiding the problem doesn't remove the problem. It just means nobody notices. In a way, that's worse.
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Old 10-29-2016, 01:26 AM   #1227
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I know it doesn't solve a thing but the stress of knowing people can see the turmoil within just makes it even worse. I don't wish to be seen as some pitiable creature.

"Could've fooled me."

Oh, fuck off.
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Old 10-29-2016, 11:59 AM   #1228
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I spent - and to a certain extent, still do spend - a lot of my time/energy hiding my issues from people and trying to appear 'normal'.

I think there are some benefits to it, in that it is less stressful in the short term for people not to see you upset and worry/pester/stress over you. It certainly helps in work environments to make you seem more professional and it makes the situation less awkward for the people around you.

However, it does take a lot of energy to hide, energy that could be better used for other things. Not to mention that if you only try and hide the problems on the surface and never address what is making you having these feelings in the first place then you wont ever be able to heal and move forwards.
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Old 10-29-2016, 01:27 PM   #1229
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I tend to agree with Loop. Letting people see your vulnerabilities isn't always a good thing. Some will prey upon it whilst others may judge you....even the nice ones may cast doubt later on your ability to make good decisions for yourself.
I come from a family with mentally ill people in it....and I have found that my life is somewhat easier/smoother if I simply don't share.
Far as I notice. people have no idea of my family or my past unless I choose to tell them. It is somewhat amusing to me to some extent and it reminds me not to judge others too harshly (yes it's a reminder I sometimes need ) because I know what it feels like. Most people don't want a pity party or to be somehow viewed as "damaged" or less capable than they may actually be.
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Old 10-30-2016, 12:19 PM   #1230
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I always hide it at work. It would be looked upon as very unprofessional and as a fat woman I have enough going against me. Unfortunately I now need to sometimes hide it at home. It is really hard when there is no space to just feel the sadness and move through your depressions and pain. It definitely makes it worse to have to fake especially if you have to fake it everywhere. Sometimes the safest place I feel to be me is in the car parked in the garage in the dark.

I have been to therapy to deal with my issues. The problem of course is that sometimes you can never be fully healed and there are triggers that can send me down the dark and deep path. I now have the tools(because of the counseling) to follow the path back out but sometimes it is hard and it is never quick.

I do agree that the question of "why am I even here" does circle around and around in my brain. Cobra and Drumond are right. It is good thing that we are still here to even ask the question.

It also helps to not feel so alone by reading this thread.
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Old 10-30-2016, 09:32 PM   #1231
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Had a really productive talk with my counselor about my self harm. I'm not used to talking about it unload and there were a lot of tears, but it felt like it helped. But will the stress of the sat two days the thoughts are ramping up again. I don't feel unsafe, I'm just tired.
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Old 11-08-2016, 10:12 PM   #1232
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I'm guessing you have better news to report to your counselor this week


Well, I guess if ever there was a night to bite the bullet and post this...

This may be the wrong place for this but I'm comfortable here and don't feel like joining a forum of strangers just for this and people in this thread at least have experience with psychological distress. Do people think it’s likely or even possible to have PTSD from a non-violent experience? I don’t want to trivialize such a serious condition that’s generally associated with combat veterans or sexual assault survivors but I’ve been reading about it and it fits me almost perfectly. From the insomnia mixed with nightmares to severe anxiety (even by my usual standards) to irritably (ditto) to flashbacks and thoughts entering my head unbidden pretty much everything fits - again, aside from the fact that it hasn’t come from something violent. I can’t elaborate on what happened but I experienced something profoundly traumatic over the summer. Time hasn’t made it better. Time and context and remembering it more clearly has made it much worse. I’m not really sure what to do. I mentioned it to my therapist - who, to be fair, had unsuccessfully tried to warn me before and then while it was happening what was really going on - but he just unhelpfully says that it’s trivial to attach a label to what I’m feeling and that depression is the major problem. That’s one perspective, I guess, but it doesn't really do anything for me right now. I’ve been depressed since I was 10. This...is something entirely different and it’s getting worse. The nightmares and panic attacks won't stop. I can have 1 (or even once 2) good days with minimal distress but on the next I’ll “catch up” and then some. I can't see a way out of this. I don’t think I could feel any more lost if I was in the middle of a desert without a compass.
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Old 11-09-2016, 12:14 AM   #1233
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It sounds to me like you may have bipolar II disorder.
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Old 11-09-2016, 12:25 AM   #1234
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Originally Posted by Cobra Verde View Post
I'm guessing you have better news to report to your counselor this week


Well, I guess if ever there was a night to bite the bullet and post this...

This may be the wrong place for this but I'm comfortable here and don't feel like joining a forum of strangers just for this and people in this thread at least have experience with psychological distress. Do people think itís likely or even possible to have PTSD from a non-violent experience? I donít want to trivialize such a serious condition thatís generally associated with combat veterans or sexual assault survivors but Iíve been reading about it and it fits me almost perfectly. From the insomnia mixed with nightmares to severe anxiety (even by my usual standards) to irritably (ditto) to flashbacks and thoughts entering my head unbidden pretty much everything fits - again, aside from the fact that it hasnít come from something violent. I canít elaborate on what happened but I experienced something profoundly traumatic over the summer. Time hasnít made it better. Time and context and remembering it more clearly has made it much worse. Iím not really sure what to do. I mentioned it to my therapist - who, to be fair, had unsuccessfully tried to warn me before and then while it was happening what was really going on - but he just unhelpfully says that itís trivial to attach a label to what Iím feeling and that depression is the major problem. Thatís one perspective, I guess, but it doesn't really do anything for me right now. Iíve been depressed since I was 10. This...is something entirely different and itís getting worse. The nightmares and panic attacks won't stop. I can have 1 (or even once 2) good days with minimal distress but on the next Iíll ďcatch upĒ and then some. I can't see a way out of this. I donít think I could feel any more lost if I was in the middle of a desert without a compass.
You can get PTSD from a non-violent incident, yes. The things that cause PTSD are unique to the person involved; sure, experiencing violence is a common cause of PTSD but it isn't the only cause. There is also complex-PTSD which tends to present much more similarly to depression/anxiety than standard PTSD.

As far as talking to your therapist is concerned, I would try and say to him what you have said here, about his refusal to talk about it being unhelpful for you. Perhaps it will make him speak more openly about those issues or perhaps not. Either way, I really hope you can get some relief from these feelings and symptoms soon. Sleeping pills might be a good idea if you need something to really knock you out.
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Old 11-09-2016, 11:28 AM   #1235
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It sounds to me like you may have bipolar II disorder.
Agreed.

Ptsd doesn't have to be violent. The fact that as adults many of us still have nightmares about missing exams/realizing you have an exam for a course you never ever went to is a type of non violent ptsd.

However, i agree with your therapist that labelling it is unimportant (unless you should be taking medican as part of your diagnosis). Often labelling can allow us to feel victimized even further, rather than enpowered.
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Old 11-09-2016, 12:52 PM   #1236
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Agreed.

Ptsd doesn't have to be violent. The fact that as adults many of us still have nightmares about missing exams/realizing you have an exam for a course you never ever went to is a type of non violent ptsd.

However, i agree with your therapist that labelling it is unimportant (unless you should be taking medican as part of your diagnosis). Often labelling can allow us to feel victimized even further, rather than enpowered.
I think this is an interesting thought. People have been very reluctant to put labels on my illnesses, I assume for this reason. But for me, it had the exact opposite effect. I can't tell you how much my life improved when I realised that hey, I'm not lazy and broken and unfixable, I'm autistic and there are people out there like me. There are things I can do to help myself that I would never have thought of before being told that I belong to that group. That my symptoms are normal and manageable and that these things aren't my fault or because I'm a bad person.

I think it depends on the person whether labels are helpful or not, but I do think it is very irresponsible of a therapist not to even discuss these things with their patient and just decide on their behalf that labels wont be helpful for them.

Not to mention, it's kinda the same thing as regularly seeing a doctor, then suddenly starting vomitting blood every day and the doctor saying 'well, maybe it is better not to label these things =)' and just ignoring it. If it sounds ridiculous for a physical illness, it is just as ridiculous for a mental illness too, in my opinion.
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Old 11-09-2016, 02:30 PM   #1237
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PTSD can definitely be caused by things other than violence and can be as long lasting and as deep as if it were caused by violence.

As for identifying a diagnosis, I do think it depends upon who you are. I personally would want to know because then I can begin to address it better and can do my own research as well as come to terms with the problem. I am probably abnormal in this feeling, I have come to realize many people prefer the head in the sand option.

I would suggest addressing this in a direct way with your therapist, it may help you to feel a little more in control and actually help you in the process of therapy. Let him/her know that identification is important to you(if it is important to you, people tell me that ignorance really can be bliss for them)

I know how hard depression is to combat, one of the things that helps me is to take a half hour to hour walk to alleviate the depression even if it is for only a short while, and as I walk I refuse to think about myself instead I focus on the nature around me, or even my breathing. I know it sounds simplistic and may not work for everyone. Since I am extremely overweight I don't cover a lot of ground or rough terrain but it does help. I have also found that walking in a park with nature is way more helpful than just in my neighborhood. Feel better.
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Old 11-09-2016, 03:23 PM   #1238
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Thanks for the replies. It's comforting to know I wasn't being dramatic in considering PTSD.

I don't know if bipolar II fits since this is a recent phenomenon and I don't feel any kind of mania/hypomania, my highs are just regular happiness. Though the lows are definitely as low as people with bipolar have described them.

I agree with both sides of naming my problem. On the one hand it doesn't seem like it would necessarily change anything and the underlying issues are the entire, well, issue. It doesn't seem like treatment would be that different. OTOH* at least knowing what's going on could help me process it better mentally and as Leem said I would know better what to search for in terms of research/reading materials. The one thing I'm certain of after typing this out and reading feedback is I'm far too passive in therapy, which is ridiculous.




*15 years of message-boarding and this was my first OTOH. It's important to continue growing as an individual.
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Old 11-09-2016, 10:22 PM   #1239
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Thanks for the replies. It's comforting to know I wasn't being dramatic in considering PTSD.

I don't know if bipolar II fits since this is a recent phenomenon and I don't feel any kind of mania/hypomania, my highs are just regular happiness. Though the lows are definitely as low as people with bipolar have described them.*snipped*
You've just described bipolar II. The difference from the "normal" bipolar disorder is that there is no mania. The "highs" are just regular happiness. I know, that's my diagnosis and my moods run exactly like yours.
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Old 11-09-2016, 10:33 PM   #1240
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As a licensed mental health professional it would be highly unethical to attempt to diagnose you based off of your posts on a message board so I'm not gonna touch that with a ten foot pole.

I will say that people can be traumatized by nonviolent events. I do urge you to have a conversation with your therapist about how you feel about being able to label the event possibly being helpful. I am a big believer in the power of language and how we identify a problem hugely affects how we interact with it. Also I personally would have a slightly different treatment approach with someone who purely has depression than I would with someone who also has PTSD.
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Old 11-09-2016, 10:42 PM   #1241
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You've just described bipolar II. The difference from the "normal" bipolar disorder is that there is no mania. The "highs" are just regular happiness. I know, that's my diagnosis and my moods run exactly like yours.

This is untrue, if no mania or hypomania is present than it cannot be bipolar. The highs of bipolar II are not just regular happiness or else they would not be called hypomania. They are not as high as a full blown manic episode but there are distinct criteria that have to be met. Per the DSM-5 the differences are that a manic episode must last a week while a hypomanic episode must only last 4 days, and that while a manic episode must cause a marked impairment in social or occupational functioning a hypomanic episode must be an unequivocal change in functioning that is uncharacteristic from when the individual is insumptomatic but is not severe enough to cause a marked impairment in functioning.
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Old 11-10-2016, 11:06 AM   #1242
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True Loopy!

I have been diagnosed with SAD, and realizing that I would have seasonal inability to coherently speak, that every winter I would suffer from exhaustion, and that my patience would be hair thin during that time was important for me to realize, and to cope.

As an adult I can tell people - look, I am going into my SAD time so I am going to be a bit tired and not want to go out as much. Or my hubby can understand why seemingly out of nowhere I have a little fit of frustration over simply being unable to articulate a simple sentence (it sometimes gets so bad I will just say 'thing' and mime what I want. He has come to realize on those days I have physically exhausted my fountain of functionality, and am reduced to saying 'thing please' and miming spooning something into my mouth because my brain can't provide the word 'spoon')

What I meant is that sometimes we are eager to self diagnose at the expense of our improvements. In the case cobra described, it sounded as if his therapist was trying to say depression is the core issue, and that everything else is symptomatic, and to focus on that issue first.

Using your example of health to mental health - my grandma refused to believe she had diabetes, and treated her sugar lows with sugar. By treating the symptoms, she caused a bigger health issue. By focusing on the core issue she would not have had as many sugar highs and lows, and therefore would not need to have medicated the symptoms to that degree.

It does sound like a more active role in the sessions might help Cobra. Understanding why your therapist thinks it is/is not important is key. Also, your therapist can often only give you tools/coping mechanisms/bettering behaviours, rather than focusing on the myriad of different symptoms they are presented with. The therapist can't go back in time and fix issues, they can only try to improve self awareness, positive thoughts, and give coping strategies. Hope it improves for you soon
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Old 11-10-2016, 11:06 AM   #1243
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Self-diagnosis is often a form of masturbation. People tend to deflect the area they need to treat by picking something else when they are often not anywhere near the real criteria and not part of the right demographic. They pick what they want to have for a myriad of reasons, I deal with it on a regular basis.
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Old 11-11-2016, 03:39 AM   #1244
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Self-diagnosis is often a form of masturbation. People tend to deflect the area they need to treat by picking something else when they are often not anywhere near the real criteria and not part of the right demographic. They pick what they want to have for a myriad of reasons, I deal with it on a regular basis.
I don't agree with this.

There are a lot of reasons why a person might not be able to get an official diagnosis, especially in places where you have to pay for your own medical care. Access to professionals who are experts in the area of your specific illness can also be very difficult to find. That doesn't mean people can't benefit from being part of a community of people that they feel understands them or from learning techniques for managing their symptoms from that community.

You have to bear in mind as well, your judgments on people are based on a passing view of their behaviour and words. Their judgments of themselves are based on their thoughts and feelings, neither of which you have access to. You wouldn't believe the amount of times I've had people refuse to believe me about my anxiety and depression just they don't 'see' it. Just because you don't see the symptoms you think you should do doesn't mean that they dont exist (or that you necessarily know what the actual symptoms are of how they look from a 3rd party perspective).

Technically, I am still a self-diagnosed autistic because the waiting list for an official diagnosis is over three years long. I've been told by two different psychiatrists that although they know I am autistic and treat me as such, they think an official diagnosis would negatively impact my ability to find work etc so I've had to fight like hell just to get on that waiting list. Not to mention that they wouldn't even have noticed my autism if I hadn't mentioned to them first that a lot of my autistic friends said I seem like them. I saw professional psychotherapists for over 10 years without a single one of them noticing that their methods didn't work on me because I'm autistic, not because I'm not trying or are 'beyond help'. If it hadn't been for me 'self-diagnosing' myself enough to bring it up with them, they likely would still be treating me as neurotypical and continuing to make me worse and worse. The improvement I've made since them realising I'm autistic has been more dramatic than in the 20+ years preceding that.
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Old 11-18-2016, 09:04 PM   #1245
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Today when I felt the sun on my face, my soul warmed a bit.

Thank you to everyone who sent messages of support it really helped me to not feel so alone.
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Old 12-11-2016, 09:53 PM   #1246
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Honestly, I've been hating myself so much recently and I'm trying so many different things to stop doing that...

All I do lately is drink and loathe. Self loathing, mostly. I get in these weird moods. I love myself a lot of different ways and different times, I know eventually be okay, but I'm not right now.

I'm starting to not hate my job, so I don't know what else it is. I've been going to the gym to attempt to combat the depression, as that's something that is suggested and I know first hand works, but the depressing thoughts always come back.

I ran out of my depression and anxiety medication, and I've not noticed much of a change from the usual emotions and feelings I have. I'm debating if the medicine is even worth it anymore. Really not sure what to do or think.

I feel like no one understands how I feel even though I know some people do... but I feel alone. I just don't know. I really don't. I just don't want to be here anymore. This shit is exhausting...
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Old 12-12-2016, 03:11 AM   #1247
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Honestly, I've been hating myself so much recently and I'm trying so many different things to stop doing that...

All I do lately is drink and loathe. Self loathing, mostly. I get in these weird moods. I love myself a lot of different ways and different times, I know eventually be okay, but I'm not right now.

I'm starting to not hate my job, so I don't know what else it is. I've been going to the gym to attempt to combat the depression, as that's something that is suggested and I know first hand works, but the depressing thoughts always come back.

I ran out of my depression and anxiety medication, and I've not noticed much of a change from the usual emotions and feelings I have. I'm debating if the medicine is even worth it anymore. Really not sure what to do or think.

I feel like no one understands how I feel even though I know some people do... but I feel alone. I just don't know. I really don't. I just don't want to be here anymore. This shit is exhausting...
If you don't mind me asking, how much of the antidepressants were you on? Like, what dose/medication? Because for most of them you shouldn't be able to just stop taking them and not having any side effects, which makes me think that the dose might have been too low for you. Low/moderate doses of antidepressants do absolutely nothing for me and I always need the maximum amount for it to have any effect, but then... well, being on my meds allows me to live life and fight my depression in a way that just isn't possible when I'm off them.
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Old 12-12-2016, 12:32 PM   #1248
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I started on the 20mg but then when I spoke to my doctor and told her that it didn't seem to be doing much and that I saw room for improvement, I moved up to 40 mg... and I have been off of them for about 3 days. I haven't noticed any side effects really other that my moodswings but I usually have those anyway... I'm not sure if I have bipolar disorder or if it's from the birth control I am taking that mess with my hormones as well. It's hard to tell.
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Old 12-12-2016, 01:51 PM   #1249
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I started on the 20mg but then when I spoke to my doctor and told her that it didn't seem to be doing much and that I saw room for improvement, I moved up to 40 mg... and I have been off of them for about 3 days. I haven't noticed any side effects really other that my moodswings but I usually have those anyway... I'm not sure if I have bipolar disorder or if it's from the birth control I am taking that mess with my hormones as well. It's hard to tell.
Are you on citalopram? How long have you been taking the higher dose for before coming off them? ....I sound like I'm holding an interrogation, I'm so sorry! It's just that I've had really similar issues to you and managed to find a way to get things stabilised so I would love to be able to help you too.

Birth control pills are an absolute no-no for me. They mess up my hormones and make me super depressed and anxious and mood-swingy, even on my antidepressants. Is there a non-hormonal form of birth control you could try?
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Old 12-12-2016, 02:28 PM   #1250
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Are you on citalopram? How long have you been taking the higher dose for before coming off them? ....I sound like I'm holding an interrogation, I'm so sorry! It's just that I've had really similar issues to you and managed to find a way to get things stabilised so I would love to be able to help you too.

Birth control pills are an absolute no-no for me. They mess up my hormones and make me super depressed and anxious and mood-swingy, even on my antidepressants. Is there a non-hormonal form of birth control you could try?
I'm not sure, I don't think so but I haven't really checked into it because my brain does so many things in different ways that I have no idea what's going on with me half the time. I know generally with or without the BC I get really moodswingy and hormonal before the week of my period, but other than that the bipolarness happens a lot. I was taking Fluoxetine. I was taking the higher dose probably since around May...
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