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Old 12-14-2016, 07:38 AM   #1251
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BC makes me INSANE. Like, violent, unpredictable mood swings and rage. I would be brilliantly happy one moment, become utterly angry, then burst into tears within the hour. Also, it was totally effective for birth control because I wanted no one to touch me, ever. Then I would cry because no one wanted me, even though I was the one saying no. I know other women who have come off of it say they see a difference too (not advocating, just commenting that as loops said - it may be a factor).

Beyond medication, which I cannot comment on...Do you have things to keep your mind and hands busy?

I don't suffer from typical depression in terms of sadness - it is more of a constant frustration and internal restless emotion. I remember one doctor told me in an appalled way (which actually had more sticker shock than a politically correct therapist) that I sounded like an abusive person...to myself. I have been told it was because there was no room for tears in my childhood home - you either cried and caught more of the same or you got mad/determined and figured a way out of the situation. But my mental self has a lot of unreasonable expectations and self condemnation for perceived failures. People's eyes bug out when they see how busy I am, but it gives me pleasures, outlets, and it keeps me too busy to bother with that inner voice. Often I have to multitask to get pleasure - I will write AND watch netflix. I will be role playing in a game AND creating a dog leash with my hands. I will be working AND listening to music.

That isn't to say I can never be still (hears husband howl with laughter in her head) but it keeps me busy and content. For me, I find the world seems to be split into receiving information passively, and physically working. I need a constant combination of both mental and physical (or auditory) stimulation, or else the lack just hits this button that creates frustration and negative feelings - and they spin until I am utterly exhausted. If I keep my mental and physical self occupied to some degree that voice simply turns off.
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Old 12-16-2016, 07:22 PM   #1252
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I've tried so many medications through the years… I've absolutely had no luck with anything except for what I take for anxiety (BuSpar). I've had to deal with depression Most of my adult life. When I became paralyzed 10 years ago my problems with depression ramped up a pretty good bit As you can imagine. I'm at the point now that I am scared and depressed because there isn't anything out there that is going to help me.

I don't know how keen folks would be about posting medications they had taken in the past and whether they work or not. It would be real helpful, but maybe not a good idea to post publicly.

Anybody got any thoughts on talking about medications. What would be the best way to communicate it to another user? Maybe we should just try sending a private email or private message via the board?
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Old 12-16-2016, 08:00 PM   #1253
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Originally Posted by Jack Secret View Post
I've tried so many medications through the years… I've absolutely had no luck with anything except for what I take for anxiety (BuSpar). I've had to deal with depression Most of my adult life. When I became paralyzed 10 years ago my problems with depression ramped up a pretty good bit As you can imagine. I'm at the point now that I am scared and depressed because there isn't anything out there that is going to help me.

I don't know how keen folks would be about posting medications they had taken in the past and whether they work or not. It would be real helpful, but maybe not a good idea to post publicly.

Anybody got any thoughts on talking about medications. What would be the best way to communicate it to another user? Maybe we should just try sending a private email or private message via the board?
I have absolutely no problem talking publicly about the medications I've taken for my depression.

  • Citalopram: Worked fantastic for the first five years or so before gradually losing it's effectiveness.

  • Sertraline: Worked fine for the depression itself, but the side effects meant I couldn't sleep and being exhausted all the time obviously made me feel worse.

  • Fluxotine: What I am on now. Feels quite a lot different to the other two. Isn't as good at controlling my mood swings as the other two (less emotional dampening, I guess?) or my anxiety but is good enough for me to be able to keep my head above water.

For me personally, SSRIs are all I can take as SNRIs make me very ill (last time I took any I thought I was dying/my brain was shutting down). But a lot of people find SNRIs to be more helpful, I think it depends on your specific brain chemistry. I also needed the maximum dose of all these medications; anything less has either no effect, or a sort of partial effect of making me fine some of the time and cripplingly depressed at other times.

My stomach issues make a difference to. An upset stomach = not digesting tablets well. So that is something to bear in mind if you suffer from stomach issues at all.
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Old 12-16-2016, 10:52 PM   #1254
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I hate myself.

That is all.
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Old 12-17-2016, 02:38 PM   #1255
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I have absolutely no problem talking publicly about the medications I've taken for my depression.

  • Citalopram: Worked fantastic for the first five years or so before gradually losing it's effectiveness.

  • Sertraline: Worked fine for the depression itself, but the side effects meant I couldn't sleep and being exhausted all the time obviously made me feel worse.

  • Fluxotine: What I am on now. Feels quite a lot different to the other two. Isn't as good at controlling my mood swings as the other two (less emotional dampening, I guess?) or my anxiety but is good enough for me to be able to keep my head above water.

For me personally, SSRIs are all I can take as SNRIs make me very ill (last time I took any I thought I was dying/my brain was shutting down). But a lot of people find SNRIs to be more helpful, I think it depends on your specific brain chemistry. I also needed the maximum dose of all these medications; anything less has either no effect, or a sort of partial effect of making me fine some of the time and cripplingly depressed at other times.

My stomach issues make a difference to. An upset stomach = not digesting tablets well. So that is something to bear in mind if you suffer from stomach issues at all.
I tried all of those except for Citalopram. I've done Wellbutrin, Paxil,… I'm sure there are 10 others before those. I've also taken a few medications that were also for peripheral neuropathy that are also supposed to be good for depression. No dice…None of these of ever helped. Currently I'm taking Pristiq. I'll be ending that prescription in January. Sadly, the only thing that makes me feel a little bit better during the day is a narcotic I've been taking for my neuropathy. Obviously that's not really helping my depression in a positive way, but it does wonders for my feet. Nobody ever told me that becoming paralyzed would be painful!

Thanks for sharing.
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Old 12-18-2016, 08:01 PM   #1256
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I feel really bad for all of you that suffer from depression and bi polar disorder.
Growing up I never knew anyone that suffered from it like you see now so I wonder why all of a sudden everybody seems to deal with it.
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Old 12-18-2016, 08:27 PM   #1257
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I feel really bad for all of you that suffer from depression and bi polar disorder.
Growing up I never knew anyone that suffered from it like you see now so I wonder why all of a sudden everybody seems to deal with it.
It's recognized more often now and it's more socially acceptable to talk about.
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Old 12-18-2016, 08:39 PM   #1258
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I talk about my mental issues here because of a certain level of anonymity. In every day life, I hide much more than I show. Most people who know me on a casual basis would not suspect I'm a cage full of squirrels.
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Old 12-19-2016, 06:11 AM   #1259
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I feel really bad for all of you that suffer from depression and bi polar disorder.
Growing up I never knew anyone that suffered from it like you see now so I wonder why all of a sudden everybody seems to deal with it.
I agree with what the others said, it isn't more common, it is just more talked about. People know more about it so more people are getting diagnosed/helped rather than ignored, there is less of a stigma associated with it so people are more inclined to talk about it, and the internet gives anonymity which makes people much more likely to talk about personal issues.

I believe in the past, the only people who would get diagnosed/helped were those who were unable to work/live independently like myself. Before that, people who could lead 'normal' lives were just left to deal with their problems on their own with no help. Like, if you imagine only taking painkillers when you have a migraine, compared to taking painkillers whenever you have a headache. You might be able to function reasonably well with a headache, but you do even better when have no headache, right? The same thing is true for mental illness.

Also, I agree with Dromond. The internet is a place where a lot of us feel free to talk about issues we don't talk about in real life. Most of my friends/family know that I have anxiety/depression/autism because let's face it, I'm 26 years old, unable to live completely independently or work or maintain friendships; it's pretty obvious there is something 'wrong' with me. But do I talk about the details of it to them? Nope, not really. I'm not ashamed of anything but talking about my health isn't really something I do on a regular basis, mental or physical, in person.

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I tried all of those except for Citalopram. I've done Wellbutrin, Paxil,… I'm sure there are 10 others before those. I've also taken a few medications that were also for peripheral neuropathy that are also supposed to be good for depression. No dice…None of these of ever helped. Currently I'm taking Pristiq. I'll be ending that prescription in January. Sadly, the only thing that makes me feel a little bit better during the day is a narcotic I've been taking for my neuropathy. Obviously that's not really helping my depression in a positive way, but it does wonders for my feet. Nobody ever told me that becoming paralyzed would be painful!

Thanks for sharing.
Do you know what classifications the meds you have tried belong to? Like, SSRIs, SNRIs, etc? There are a few different types of medication and if you've tried a couple of medications from a certain family without any success, I'd say you would do better to try a different type of medication. And you're absolutely welcome.
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Old 12-19-2016, 08:29 PM   #1260
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I talk about my mental issues here because of a certain level of anonymity. In every day life, I hide much more than I show. Most people who know me on a casual basis would not suspect I'm a cage full of squirrels.

Yup. At the peak of my depression, right around the time of my suicide attempt we did an exercise in class where everyone completed someone else. My classmate complimented me on the fact that I was always cheery and smiling. My own parents had no idea anything was wrong until a classmate told a teacher about my self harm.
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Old 12-19-2016, 08:53 PM   #1261
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So often people are judgmental about depression and other mental illnesses, frequently people just feel that if we just did a little more something like smiling, or being positive etc that we could simply self heal, we tend to be blamed for something we cannot change, these types of attitudes make dealing with depression and other mental illnesses difficult In the real world. I myself rarely ever mention my mental distress, which isn't always healthy but does cover up my problems to the outside world. On the internet I can be free to discuss my issues without dealing with society's judgement in my face every day.

I do feel that there is more diagnoses and recognition of mental illness but there is still judgement as well. I think that this is changing for young people.

I also think that many times phrases like "I'm depressed" or I have even heard people saying "I'm feeling a little bipolar today" are sometimes throwaway phrases, said in passing or at times in jest without really having a true understanding or diagnosis of mental health issues.

Sorry I seem to be rambling a bit, but in closing, I do think that people are more aware and self aware about mental health issues than they were back in the day.
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Old 12-20-2016, 07:51 AM   #1262
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Yup. At the peak of my depression, right around the time of my suicide attempt we did an exercise in class where everyone completed someone else. My classmate complimented me on the fact that I was always cheery and smiling. My own parents had no idea anything was wrong until a classmate told a teacher about my self harm.
This sounds so much like me, it is painful. I remember at 15, when I was so deeply depressed I started experiencing genuine psychotic symptoms as well as the neurotic ones, my 'best friend' made a comment in class about how happy and confident I always was, as though it was a fact.

Even to this day, I get complimented on my 'confidence' and I've had people respond to finding out about my anxiety disorder by laughing in my face and not believing I have anxiety at all, which hurts so much. I mean, my anxiety is the reason I can't live a 'normal' life and work a job and be productive and successful.
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Old 12-20-2016, 08:28 AM   #1263
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This almost seems to be a fairly common trait expression of anxiety?

My wife has levels of anxiety (including social anxiety) that have limited her life choices substantially, and which comes into play with how she deals with the world not quite daily anymore but certainly more days than not. But to anyone who does not know her extremely well she seems very outgoing, confident, and people tend to treat her as a confidante because of how strong and together she always projects as being. It puzzled me for a long time, but discussion over the years here (come for the fat, stay for the education!) have helped me realize that is actually pretty common? Almost an over-correction or not wanting others to worry or something?

(PS: she has steadfastly refused to talk to a professional about anxiety or depression over the years, despite acknowledging that she suffers from them, so I don't have the benefit of feedback from that side of things).

ETA: This was by way of saying thank you to all of you who share here -- there is a lot that a lot of us can learn, whether or not personally dealing with these issues. And I'll pull back to observer status again, having said my bit.
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Old 12-20-2016, 09:48 PM   #1264
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This sounds so much like me, it is painful. I remember at 15, when I was so deeply depressed I started experiencing genuine psychotic symptoms as well as the neurotic ones, my 'best friend' made a comment in class about how happy and confident I always was, as though it was a fact.
I never talk about it but I had psychosis with my depresaipn when I was around 15 as well. I'd hear people, men, walking around and talking when I was home alone.
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Old 12-21-2016, 12:19 PM   #1265
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I never talk about it but I had psychosis with my depresaipn when I was around 15 as well. I'd hear people, men, walking around and talking when I was home alone.
Thank you for sharing that, it is nice to know I'm not the only one.

For me, I became convinced that other people in the world weren't real, that it was all some sort of elaborate computer simulation or dream or something and I did some awful things to 'prove' to myself that other people were just data and not beings like myself.

Thankfully that lifted when I started taking my medication.
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Old 12-22-2016, 01:34 AM   #1266
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Thank you for sharing that, it is nice to know I'm not the only one.

For me, I became convinced that other people in the world weren't real, that it was all some sort of elaborate computer simulation or dream or something and I did some awful things to 'prove' to myself that other people were just data and not beings like myself.

Thankfully that lifted when I started taking my medication.
The highlighted text describes the philosophy of solipsism, the idea that there is nothing real outside the self. Can you imagine thinking that way by choice?
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Old 01-03-2017, 11:03 PM   #1267
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Old 01-07-2017, 11:36 PM   #1268
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I am having all the frustration and self loathing tonight. I'm not going to do anything but I've got a stream of thoughts about self harm and suicide. It's one of those nights where I wish I could just hit a pause button and not have to live my life for a while.
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Old 01-08-2017, 10:57 PM   #1269
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I'm doing much better today. No more sitting and thinking about which of our guns are loaded.
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Old 01-09-2017, 08:02 AM   #1270
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I'm doing much better today. No more sitting and thinking about which of our guns are loaded.
I'm glad you feel better. If you have thoughts of suicide at times wouldn't it be a good idea to get rid of the guns?
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Old 01-09-2017, 08:36 AM   #1271
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I'm glad you feel better. If you have thoughts of suicide at times wouldn't it be a good idea to get rid of the guns?

They're my fiancé's and they're in our safe, so they're not out. I do know the code to the safe. I do have thoughts but it's never gotten to the point where I've actually gone over to the safe or anything. The other day was the first time I really thought about the guns, usually the thoughts are about cutting or overdosing. If I felt like the the thoughts were bad enough that I might act on them I would let him know and he could change the code on the safe.
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Old 01-09-2017, 09:08 AM   #1272
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They're my fiancé's and they're in our safe, so they're not out. I do know the code to the safe. I do have thoughts but it's never gotten to the point where I've actually gone over to the safe or anything. The other day was the first time I really thought about the guns, usually the thoughts are about cutting or overdosing. If I felt like the the thoughts were bad enough that I might act on them I would let him know and he could change the code on the safe.
I don't understand the idea of counting on telling him to change the code if you're feeling that way. That doesn't make sense, also you should know the statistics about guns and suicide. They're easy to use and there is no way stop mid-attempt which is why the mortality rate in gun attempts is significantly higher than other methods.

If you have suicidal thoughts you shouldn't have firearms in your home.
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Old 01-09-2017, 09:22 AM   #1273
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I don't understand the idea of counting on telling him to change the code if you're feeling that way. That doesn't make sense, also you should know the statistics about guns and suicide. They're easy to use and there is no way stop mid-attempt which is why the mortality rate in gun attempts is significantly higher than other methods.

If you have suicidal thoughts you shouldn't have firearms in your home.

I do know the statistic, I work in suicide prevention. However, I also know myself. I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts for 12 years. Usually they're intrusive with zero intent behind them. The other day there was no intent behind the thoughts even though they were detailed. Also, if we got the guns out of her apartment they would have to go to his parents and his dad has actually held a gun to his head in the backyard and my fiancé had to take it from him in the middle of a giant police standoff.

Edit to add: The thoughts come but there hasn't been intent behind them in years.

Yes, my chronic/lifetime risk for suicide is high because I am white, a female in helping profession, I have a trauma history, I have a history of engaging in nonsuicidal self injury by cutting, and I do you have a history of one suicide attempt. The other night my acute risk for suicide was high, however I was able to engage in coping skills that brought my acute risk down to moderate.
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Old 01-10-2017, 11:01 AM   #1274
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I'm glad you're feeling better. Does it make it easier to reach out for help working in the mental health field? For me I think it might be more difficult if I had to do so with people I already know, but I hope you're not as neurotic.
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Old 01-10-2017, 03:20 PM   #1275
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I would never call the crisis line that I work for but I do have a wonderful therapist I am very comfortable with. I see her tomorrow.
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