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Old 08-03-2008, 09:55 PM   #1
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So, this question obviously comes up in some form or another often enough on this board, but for some reason it's easier to make sense of when one asks the question one's self.

I'm currently in a long distance relationship, very much in love, and this is now the longest we've gone without seeing one another at over 4 weeks. Over the past 4 weeks, her weight has gone from 122 to 131 lbs, and she doesn't know if it's just a discrepancy with scales or a real gain (the clothes test doesn't work because two weeks ago she bought new clothes - we'll know tomorrow, when she measures). It makes sense, though, as with her new location she's been eating more homecooked meals and has been driving to work instead of walking.


She has no intentions of gaining weight on purpose for me, and is also planning on losing the weight once she moves again to a walk-friendly city. When she brought up her weight gain, which she just discovered today, she talked about getting out her old tighter wardrobe and showing off the new pounds, so she's not stressed about it. She knows about my fetish, accepts it, finds it rather charming and adorable, and indulges it in fantasy as much as she can, but now that it's going into real life I can't help but feel bad. She's by no means actually overweight, but my mind can't help but jump to the issue of her health and the level of exercise she's getting.

On the one hand, I love it. I love having my preferences not only indulged but found delightful, and I love that she has enthusiasm for it - I didn't even have to ask before she suggested measurements and everything. On the other hand, I feel like I'm encouraging this and that rather than sending the message of "I would love you and find you sexy at any weight," I'm sending a very clear message of "I will find you much sexier the more you gain." She's by no means fat, but as we all know skinny people aren't all in great shape and she's a pretty good illustration of that fact. I worry that I'm just reinforcing a lack of concern for her physical health.

I've never been able to actually indulge my fantasies of being with a girl who's gained weight in real life - my lifestyle of non-obsessive but regular walks and runs tends to encourage my partners to get fitter. I don't know how much to give in to this - after all, next time I see her is for two weeks and then she's off to another country for a few years anyway where fitness is the norm, so what's the harm in indulging it? I remain conflicted. Has anyone else dealt with this?
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Old 08-04-2008, 09:03 AM   #2
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I have not really experienced something like this, so I don't have a personal perspective necessarily, but this is what I would do:

First, I would tell her that although you have that fetish and that although you would find her sexier if she gained, you really do love her no matter what size, and that her heath is the #1 most important thing to you. If she still works out regularly to keep her heart healthy yet gains, then that would be great! But you don't want her physical fitness to suffer. If she has a new job where she isn't walking as much, encourage her to do tapes at home or something, just so she can still be active, but tell her that you really do enjoy the new pounds. Though I know it would be appealing just to enjoy the new weight, I really do think you should put her health first and tell her that she should stay active, because it's better for her to be healthy in the long run so you two can spend more time together in the long run than have the temporary pleasure of her being overweight yet unactive. But, as I said, if she stays active yet gains, that would be awesome

One thing I do want to add, though, based on personal experience is good luck with her being in a foreign country for so long. It will be hard, for sure, and though you love her, keep perspective and remember to do what is also healthiest for you 1st, even if it means leaving the relationship. Do not limit yourself or feel guilty if it is too hard for you. I'm not saying it will be, just don't do anything that you isn't the best for you.

Good luck
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Old 08-04-2008, 06:48 PM   #3
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On the other hand, I feel like I'm encouraging this and that rather than sending the message of "I would love you and find you sexy at any weight," I'm sending a very clear message of "I will find you much sexier the more you gain."
Cannot both be true?
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Old 08-04-2008, 08:03 PM   #4
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Near as I can tell that runs counter to the female way of thinking - From what I've read around here, anyway. People tell me the implication that a female's appearance could improve automatically means that you find the female under discussion ugly and do not love her.

Otherwise I agree that it is possible for one to be sexually attracted to someone who one would be more attracted to at a different weight and to send that message.
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Old 08-04-2008, 08:10 PM   #5
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So she's moving to another country. Long distance relationships are difficult to maintain. Are you planning to be together in the near future? Are you ready to pick up and pack off to a far away place? If not, I say break up with her and find someone who's already fat and fit. That way you get to really indulge your fantasy without worrying about her health.
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Old 08-04-2008, 09:12 PM   #6
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... I say break up with her and find someone who's already fat and fit. That way you get to really indulge your fantasy...
I know I'm likely making a much bigger deal of this than it is in real life, but I don't think that's the fantasy he's talking about...
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Old 08-04-2008, 09:55 PM   #7
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I know I'm likely making a much bigger deal of this than it is in real life, but I don't think that's the fantasy he's talking about...
I think I get it. He fantasizes about a smaller woman getting bigger right? If so, then I just think starting off with someone bigger to begin with who is already fit will put a good deal of the health aspect to rest.
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Old 08-04-2008, 10:25 PM   #8
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Give it a couple of days. See how strong the desire is, and remains with you so. If the sensations of being distraught are greater than those of missing the little things you 2 have shared, it would be may be more ideal to move on to someone who truly understands and shares those sentiments (they are out there in R/T).
If its just not the same with someone/anyone else, then do all you can to keep on, holding on. LDR's are not easy but if you know deep down she is the 1 of 7 possible soulmates, don't let it die.
There is a great difference between being with someone and being with someone you were destined to be with.
Those only come once every so often.
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Old 08-05-2008, 03:16 AM   #9
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Thanks for the advice.

The problems are multiple. Firstly, we've already been LDR for awhile, and we're actually going on full hiatus when she leaves the country (it's a set amount of time and then she's back, and since she's going to France she's expecting to come back rather trim). Secondly, the fantasy's a bit of a difficult one - I'm not all that attracted to the "fit and fat" look, but I'm crazy about the unfit look and it's mostly the gain that appeals to me.

Anyhow, I mulled it over and talked to her and she thinks I'm making a big deal out of nothing and should just have fun with it while I have the chance.
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Old 08-05-2008, 03:56 PM   #10
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asurname, I'm just not sure I understand what you mean by the "unfit look," or the "fit and fat look." ...if it's no big deal to your gf then just go with the flow.
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Old 08-05-2008, 05:18 PM   #11
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I figured I'd respond on topic and say, asur, you worry too much. It's good that you care about your girl's wellbeing and how you're perceived, but you're really just complicating things for yourself. The chance that she's going to gain 20 lbs and drop dead from it without warning is negligeable. There is a risk, but it's not like playing russian roulette, it's more like having a contest to see who can hold their breathe longest: It starts to hurt before it gets dangerous. From what you've told us she understands you well enough to indulge you and that means she's probably not going to be offended by what you're already doing so it seems that whatever message you think you're sending she's receiving an acceptable one. Only you know the complete circumstances of your situation and only you can make the right decision, but my advice is you worry too much.


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I think I get it. He fantasizes about a smaller woman getting bigger right? If so, then I just think starting off with someone bigger to begin with who is already fit will put a good deal of the health aspect to rest.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but as I'm reading this asurname's fantasy is to have a woman gain for him. That's what being a, "feeder" originally meant and it was as much, if not more, about the journey than the destination. I'm going to conjecture a little further here and say that a, "fit and fat" woman would be counter to the enjoyment of the fantasy because one would have to encourage such a woman to gain more for it to be noticeable which would be exposing her to greater health risks if you believe that obesity geometrically increases your health risk with each pound like they're teaching in school these days.
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Old 08-05-2008, 08:01 PM   #12
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I figured I'd respond on topic and say, asur, you worry too much. It's good that you care about your girl's wellbeing and how you're perceived, but you're really just complicating things for yourself. The chance that she's going to gain 20 lbs and drop dead from it without warning is negligeable. There is a risk, but it's not like playing russian roulette, it's more like having a contest to see who can hold their breathe longest: It starts to hurt before it gets dangerous. From what you've told us she understands you well enough to indulge you and that means she's probably not going to be offended by what you're already doing so it seems that whatever message you think you're sending she's receiving an acceptable one. Only you know the complete circumstances of your situation and only you can make the right decision, but my advice is you worry too much.





Correct me if I'm wrong, but as I'm reading this asurname's fantasy is to have a woman gain for him. That's what being a, "feeder" originally meant and it was as much, if not more, about the journey than the destination. I'm going to conjecture a little further here and say that a, "fit and fat" woman would be counter to the enjoyment of the fantasy because one would have to encourage such a woman to gain more for it to be noticeable which would be exposing her to greater health risks if you believe that obesity geometrically increases your health risk with each pound like they're teaching in school these days.
I figured that. I was just making an attempt to address the health concern, and failing miserably to boot.
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Old 08-22-2008, 09:22 PM   #13
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This is my first post here... but I wanted to chime in because I've been treading a lot of fairly similar ground to asurname recently.

I only recently started a new relationship, and for really the first time ever found myself able to comfortably talk about some aspects of my sexuality that I've kept strictly off limits in the past - specifically, the fact that I find weight gain erotic. (I've been open for a while with the fact that I find larger women attractive, and have never really treated that as a taboo.)

My girlfriend was surprisingly comfortable with the idea - even if she didn't totally understand it. She made it clear that she had no desire to actually gain any more weight (she was/is 5'2" and around 195 pounds - which is a pretty ideal combination by my standards), but was comfortable enough with it to tease me based on it.

The problem for me came not from her starting to gain any more weight - as I don't believe she has - but from me realizing that she was really on a bit of an inflection point for herself, image wise. She actually has remarkably good body-image for a girl of her size (and it seems to be getting better with time) - but she's a bit heavier than she'd like, and apparently right at a point where the weight starts to manifest itself in ways she feels are unattractive.

And even though she hadn't seemed to really be gaining any weight, it had seemed as if she was eating a lot of late, and I was starting to worry that she might end up making herself unhappy - if not for my sake, then possibly in part because gaining weight was made easier by the knowledge of my proclivities. And this made me really uncomfortable.

We'd talked before about it - never contentiously - and I'd *always* made it abundantly clear that I'd be attracted to her no matter what she weighed. It's just that I was coming to fear that adding "Oh, and by the way I'm rather turned on by weight gain" might send some mixed messages.

So I started to feel guilty, and thought it through. The truth, really, is that I didn't (and don't) actually want her any heavier than she is (since she's already quite curvy in ways I find particularly attractive). And at the same time, I am immensely aroused by the *idea* of her gaining weight. This sort of proved out (for me) the idea that the turn-on from weight gain wasn't really about the end weight.

So... I basically just told her this, as honestly as possible. I told her I'd felt guilty, I told her why, and I told her that I'd realized that while the idea of her gaining weight was certainly a turn on, that I actually preferred her as she was. And I just asked her sincerely to make sure that she didn't do anything for my sake - and that more than anything, I wanted her to be happy with herself. (Plus, I pointed out that she was well aware of how to exploit my weight-gain fetish with too-small clothing and tales of eating far too much. Neither of which require actually gaining...)

The relationship has only just moved to being long-distance from local - so who knows what will end up happening. I do feel that after discussing everything so thoroughly with her I'm at a very good place with regards to her weight. If she ends up gaining weight while away, I can enjoy it without feeling personally guilty - and be the first on hand to offer to help her should she want to lose it. If she ends up losing weight - well, given that her target is 175, she's still going to be quite close to my ideal (and hardly thin). And her being happy with that part of her would easily outweigh the lost pounds for me.
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Old 08-23-2008, 01:47 PM   #14
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I think as long as you're honest and don't try to pressure her into doing something she doesn't want, you're fine morally.

I almost broke up with my bf when i found out he was a feeder but when I thought about it I realized it was cool that he was so honest about it. Plus he wasn't pushy about it at all. And the great thing, I realized, was that I had a "license to gain" that you can't get with most men. Even though I didn't want to gain, I knew it was possible I might anyway, and then it would be nice having a bf who was cool with it.

That was before I actually started gaining on purpose, of course!
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Old 08-24-2008, 08:42 PM   #15
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My advice (NOT based on experience) is: HONESTY HONESTY HONESTY
Be honest and upfront with her about your desires and how her changes have or are making you feel and be totally HONEST about everything you think and feel on the subject (not so insightful really; more common sense).
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Old 08-29-2008, 10:44 PM   #16
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Other then the long distance part i went through the same thing with my ex. She was a BBW already and i kept quiet for 8 years of my interest in weight. She was hard to read on how she'd react to it since most the time in that 8 years she said she hated her weight. But there were also alot of times where the comments she made or acted (had no prob eating alot and then let her belly hang out and relax on the couch or make more then a few jokes about getting fatter and fatter till she's bed bound.) would make me think she was only saying she hated her weight because that's what she thought i wanted to hear. When we got back together a month later she mentioned how this guy she saw during that month liked BBW and it really didn't bother her. That point gave me the opertunity to come out to her myself and that i always found her weight sexy but wasn't why i was with her for that 8 years. After that we talked and she said she was releved to hear that (she thought i was embarrassed of her weighing so much and that i didn't want to be seen with her in public) but still wanted to loose (she wasn't the healthiest person either) but she also knew that even though i liked her weight and would of liked to of seen her bigger (she was 325lbs at that time.) She also knew i would be the first one to help her loose it and keep her on track with loosing if it was what she wanted. (when we parted again she got down to around 280 but have heard since she's gone back up again but don't know how much.) Again if you love i'd say help and support her anyway you can without forcing her and enjoy it while you have it. I know she's not that big but you too can still have some fun with it without gaining. Sounds like you like the thought of her gaining and having her talk about and fuss over her weight. But yeah don't force her to do anything just help and support her when she does start to make a move towards losing.
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