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Old 12-21-2008, 07:52 AM   #1
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Unhappy Friend's behaving badly - need advice please!

Hmm didn't know where to post this. I could do with a little bit of advice pleases! Im pretty sure i know what to do but i would like others advice too.


The problem is my two "best" friends. I've known them since secondary school, so it's been about 9 years in all. We used to be really close and go out all the time and all that Jazz. up until last year we were going to festivals and things like that. And then the past couple of years it seems to have changed. This year has been the worst. there has been a lot going on for me this year, more depression, my dad leaving/disowning me/people dying etc. and they havent really been fussed about any of it. but it could be said that the problem is mostly mine as i suppose i havent really called them to rant too much or anything, i tend to text or wait til i see them or talk to them online. Which is useless because they're rarely there. And even when they are, i actually had them avoid me when my uncle died because they didnt know what to say. and so i become isolated.

Well this year, they both have boyfriends and are really close with them. As soon as this happened, i was dropped like a stone. We had planned to go to Wacken Open Air, which when i was severly depressed in the begining of the year was my only good thing, it kept me going (lame i know) and then they cancelled because they wanted to go on holiday with their men. So i ended up losing £100 on the cancellation fee and told to suck it up.

So i got passed that and there have been numerous occassions since when i go out and get ditched. On my birthday they left me alone and told me the next day they had decided to go to this pub instead.

So im due to go to a Gig in London in January, Edguy, one of my favourite bands and my friend had said she would definately go. no matter what.
And then she turns around now, and says shes not going. I have everything booked and so shall be going alone, which is really scary because i have a bit of a social phobia when im on my own and i freak myself out...

NOW sorry for the rant. but what do i do with these friends..do i keep them near? Keep them as drinking friends? or do i just cut them loose? Whenever people meet these two friends they think they're amazing and all that jazz. but are they?

man im feeling really down now *sigh*

Any advice would be welcome, even if it's just to tell me to suck it up!
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Old 12-21-2008, 08:20 AM   #2
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Jen, I am so sorry you have had such a rough year. It must suck having all of that happening and feeling like you are alone.

Having said that...here's the tough part. Growing up sucks. Your teens and early 20's are filled with fantastic times, but life changes. People do get into relationships and as someone who is now married, I can attest that you do in fact have to put the person you are living with before anyone else as their life and happiness directly effects yours.

I think it is sad and hurtful though that your friends bailed on you at such a serious time in your life. I don't have much advice. I have been on both sides. It sucks to be left behind by your friends as they move on, but it also sucks to be at home with your other half and knowing your single mate are out having a great time at the pubs. It does work both ways sadly. Life has a way of changing people and relationships.

I wish you luck in finding some solid friends you can go to in times of need and in times of celebration.
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Old 12-21-2008, 08:25 AM   #3
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Jen, I'm sorry you're having a tough time. Here's the thing: friends -- real friends -- make tough times easier, not harder. We are all changing and growing up all our lives, and we don't all change in the same ways. So the people whom you used to be close to sometimes grow away from you, and you sometimes grow away from them. It sounds as if you're a responsible person who considers other people's feelings, and your friends aren't. They seem to be moving away from you, and maybe it's time to let them go? This is the message I'm getting from your post, anyway. Hope this helps.
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Old 12-21-2008, 08:36 AM   #4
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Jen.....things like this have happened to me with friends. What do I do? The same thing I do with anything that falls out.....I pick myself up and keep going. Find a way to meet new people and perhaps make some new friends. They have found different interests or just simply too busy? That's okay......you have a life to live, too....so do it.

Yeah....I know it hurts. This, too, shall pass.
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Old 12-21-2008, 08:52 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Green Eyed Fairy View Post
Jen.....things like this have happened to me with friends. What do I do? The same thing I do with anything that falls out.....I pick myself up and keep going. Find a way to meet new people and perhaps make some new friends. They have found different interests or just simply too busy? That's okay......you have a life to live, too....so do it.

Yeah....I know it hurts. This, too, shall pass.
I agree totally with GEF on this....the one constant in life is *CHANGE*....
so with that in mind...accept it..and move on...
hold your head high and know you are worthy of good caring friends!!!
those friends are not available in good or bad it sounds like...so amazing people ? i don't think so
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Old 12-21-2008, 08:59 AM   #6
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Thank you for your replies!!

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Originally Posted by BigBellySSBBW View Post
Jen, I am so sorry you have had such a rough year. It must suck having all of that happening and feeling like you are alone.

Having said that...here's the tough part. Growing up sucks. Your teens and early 20's are filled with fantastic times, but life changes. People do get into relationships and as someone who is now married, I can attest that you do in fact have to put the person you are living with before anyone else as their life and happiness directly effects yours.

I think it is sad and hurtful though that your friends bailed on you at such a serious time in your life. I don't have much advice. I have been on both sides. It sucks to be left behind by your friends as they move on, but it also sucks to be at home with your other half and knowing your single mate are out having a great time at the pubs. It does work both ways sadly. Life has a way of changing people and relationships.

I wish you luck in finding some solid friends you can go to in times of need and in times of celebration.
haha yea i agree, growing up sucks hahaha. i know that life changes and people grow apart and such, but i just wish if that were the case that they wouldnt plan things and cancel it? im not as fussed about them not bothering to be there as i am that they keep letting me down. I can see if from both points of view of being in a relationship and not too. I just think they're being rather shitty about it. It's like twice a year that i want to do things with them, you know. See i could understand if they were married and lived in the same households but they dont. not as yet anyway. I do wonder how i should behave if they split up with these men and come crawling back..? and ya know, it doesnt suck for them to be stuck with their other halves, well not if they look at me anyway, the know all i ever do is work or watch asian drama's haha what a fun life i lead :P



Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr. Feelgood View Post
Jen, I'm sorry you're having a tough time. Here's the thing: friends -- real friends -- make tough times easier, not harder. We are all changing and growing up all our lives, and we don't all change in the same ways. So the people whom you used to be close to sometimes grow away from you, and you sometimes grow away from them. It sounds as if you're a responsible person who considers other people's feelings, and your friends aren't. They seem to be moving away from you, and maybe it's time to let them go? This is the message I'm getting from your post, anyway. Hope this helps.


I just dont understand why they dont take my feelings into consideration anymore. it's just really hard. i suppose because of all the things happening at home with my dad rejecting me and stuff it's just made it harder. im starting to feel like im a really bad person to be around or soemthing. Maybe it is time to let them go. Im just really scared ill end up alone if i do that?


Quote:
Originally Posted by Green Eyed Fairy View Post
Jen.....things like this have happened to me with friends. What do I do? The same thing I do with anything that falls out.....I pick myself up and keep going. Find a way to meet new people and perhaps make some new friends. They have found different interests or just simply too busy? That's okay......you have a life to live, too....so do it.

Yeah....I know it hurts. This, too, shall pass.
hiya GEF, thanks for replying. It's so hard to pick yourself up and keep going though isnt it? *hugS* I find it really hard to make new friends, i guess some of thaat's to do with my self esteem and stuff. It makes sense that they have found other things to keep themselves too busy, i wish i did.
maybe this is just jealousy? i dont know.
I just wish everything would stop hurting *sigh*
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Old 12-21-2008, 09:01 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HDANGEL15 View Post
I agree totally with GEF on this....the one constant in life is *CHANGE*....
so with that in mind...accept it..and move on...
hold your head high and know you are worthy of good caring friends!!!
those friends are not available in good or bad it sounds like...so amazing people ? i don't think so
yea, you're right. i suppose im just not very good at handling change at the moment. everything is changing. how on earth do you keep yourself balanced when the whole world just keeps on spinning?!

Im glad you dont think they're that amazing either haha makes someone!
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Old 12-21-2008, 09:04 AM   #8
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"Every ending is a new beginning" Jen. Instead of dwelling on the past and becoming sad over it.....instead look ahead and think of the things unknown...that could be wonderful for you
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Old 12-21-2008, 10:18 AM   #9
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Jen I have gone through the same thing many times over in my life. What I have come to find is that you "grow out" of people. As you grow and change, many people cannot relate to you any more and they simply move on. What sucks the most about this, and that I have wrestled with, is that rarely do you get a friend that will be honest about this and talk through it with you. They simply walk from your life. I absolutely hate it, cause I am a person who loves very deeply, but I learned from a friendship that was very close and I lost a dozen years ago that I will not chase after a friendship any longer. I will offer and put the ball in their court a few times, and if they do not respond I mourn the loss of the friendship and move on. I am going through this right now with three friends whom I am close too, that seem to want to move out of my life. I know I am a good friend and have been there for them and they seem to want to move on and out of my life. I have extended invitations to get together over the Christmas holidays and so far nada. So I will still love them and be there should they decide to have a change of heart, but will not chase after them. I have decided that I have worked VERY hard to be the person I am today and if you can't come along for the ride then the creator will provide me new people in my life who do see my worth. I will not lose myself in order to have friends, spent too many years in my young life as a doormat to ever even slightly go back to that. I hope that you see your value and worth and are able to come to terms with this in your life also. But know I do understand how you feel, there is that innate sadness at being an outsider and left alone. *hugs*
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Old 12-21-2008, 10:42 AM   #10
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I have no advice for you (at least none that wouldn' alread have been mentioned), but I thought this might help you a bit...

(((((((((((((((((((( Jen )))))))))))))))))))
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Old 12-21-2008, 11:28 AM   #11
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Hey Jen, well here is my advice. I most definitely agree with GEF; she has put things very eloquently.

But first here's what I'd do if I were you. You expressed that you wish your friends would take your feelings into consideration. Is it possible the reason they haven't taken your feelings into consideration is because they don't know your feelings? Maybe you can let them know how you're feeling by writing them an email or making a telephone call. Give them a chance to really know what's been on your mind and in your heart this last year with them.
Sometimes when we get busy with life, we don't take into consideration how our actions affect others. (I know--been guilty of this on more than one occassion)
Give your friends a chance to acknowledge your feelings by having you define them specifically.

Anyhoot, everyone is right about change. It does happen and sometimes it's not always smiles and glitter.

Hang tough and give them love to have their lives change in the way they see fit, even if it doesn't always include you.

Big hugs,
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Old 12-21-2008, 05:57 PM   #12
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Hi Jen,

I am sorry this year has been harsh on you. I hope the upcoming year will be a little kinder. In answer to your questions about fickle friends or at least a comment about them, if offer the following. I can count on both hands my dearest friends in life. And most of them have moved on to other things since our friendship was at its closest. A couple I talk to via computer. Several I haven't seen in years. Two I wouldn't recognize now. These were childhood friends. I really miss all of them, childhood friends and adult friends that have strayed, and think fondly of our fun times.

What split us up? We drifted apart due to our families moving. Some of them, like your friends, found someone they would rather spend time with (the boyfriend). Some got married & some also had kids. Both marriage and kids took my friends to different stratospheric levels from mine. One of my friends got several big promotions at work and now she is either too important or too busy to spend time with me. I have tried to make new friends but have not had much luck (probably mostly my fault). I am getting to be sort of a curmudgeon in my older years.

As to friends ruining my vacation plans or making me lose money on a travel booking, I would say “No way!” I have taken many trips by myself and have enjoyed seeing the country as a single tourist. Sure, there are a few things you might have to alter (cancelling double occupancy cabins, for example) but I would be daring and go on vacation and you will most likely have fun. I have visited big cities, national parks, rented cars for driving, and gone to concerts alone. It’s fun. Don’t let someone who wants to sit in a pub and drink ruin your week or weekend. You need to start making your own magic. Just be careful and be safe, but have fun. That’s one of the few pleasures of being an adult.

Now, the deal with your father leaving or disowning you is different. That is bad. I am of the opinion that relatives are supposed to be nice to you regardless of how you behave or vice versa. I have some “stinkers” of relatives that I have to be nice to, but I really watch my purse when they’re around.
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Old 12-21-2008, 06:31 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by Green Eyed Fairy View Post
Jen.....things like this have happened to me with friends. What do I do? The same thing I do with anything that falls out.....I pick myself up and keep going. Find a way to meet new people and perhaps make some new friends. They have found different interests or just simply too busy? That's okay......you have a life to live, too....so do it.

Yeah....I know it hurts. This, too, shall pass.
I have to agree. It's unfortunate when these things come, but if they constantly brush you off, I think you should do the same, especially if they don't apologize, and try to make it up to you in some way. Good luck!
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Old 12-22-2008, 06:03 AM   #14
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It's kind of hard to give friend-advice to people you don't really know that well. There's some absolutely brilliant and eloquent posts already in this thread, so this one will only be giving you a heads up, spread-the-love kind of thing. Most things will work out in the end, and for some, well, you have to work 'em out.

Hang in there, and when life gives you lemons, just head back here for some digital hugs. And whatever you do, avoid REM ballads.
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Old 12-22-2008, 07:59 AM   #15
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GEF as usual wise and wonderful words! i shall definately try to think of them. i've actually written that phrase down and put it on my mirror so i dont forget hehehe

Ruffie thank you so much for sharing your story. it's definately nice to know others have felt the same was as i do. it's just really sad isnt it?! that loneliness..Are you really going to be able to accept them when/if they come back to you? i dont know if i'd want to. thank you again Ruffie!! <3 <3


thanks for the hugs timberwolf! as always they are much appreciated!!!

Aliena unfortunately my friends do know, we've had this talk a few times, but thanks for the suggestion!

moore2me Thank you very much for your kind words!! it seems everyone goes through this at some point, it's very reassuring to hear that, and that im not some kind of lepar! I think next time i shall just enjoy the single travelling like you say, i mean who knows i could meet some dishy man to look after me somewhere


Jon Blaze aye, i shall wait until they try and make it up and if not then ill poke them in the eye...does that work??

frankman, yea i know what you mean about it being hard to give advice on friends you dont know so thanks for posting! haha i shall avoid the REM like the plaaaague!!
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Old 12-22-2008, 08:24 AM   #16
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As far as I can tell from my limited life experience, is that friends come and go. It is a sad fact of life, but it happens. People go in different directions, whether it be university, or relationships, or anything. Sometimes the person that you said goodbye to isn't the person who comes back.
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Old 12-22-2008, 08:29 AM   #17
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As far as I can tell from my limited life experience, is that friends come and go. It is a sad fact of life, but it happens. People go in different directions, whether it be university, or relationships, or anything. Sometimes the person that you said goodbye to isn't the person who comes back.
that's just poo though!
why dont we live in a perfect world :P
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Old 12-22-2008, 09:42 AM   #18
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Ruffie keeps pushing the rep limit!Ruffie keeps pushing the rep limit!Ruffie keeps pushing the rep limit!Ruffie keeps pushing the rep limit!Ruffie keeps pushing the rep limit!Ruffie keeps pushing the rep limit!Ruffie keeps pushing the rep limit!Ruffie keeps pushing the rep limit!Ruffie keeps pushing the rep limit!Ruffie keeps pushing the rep limit!Ruffie keeps pushing the rep limit!
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Ruffie thank you so much for sharing your story. it's definately nice to know others have felt the same was as i do. it's just really sad isnt it?! that loneliness..Are you really going to be able to accept them when/if they come back to you? i dont know if i'd want to. thank you again Ruffie!! <3 <3

It depends Jen, on the reason for the distance. Many times people go through things and they pull into themselves to deal. Other times someone can misrepresent something that was said to a person leaving them confused and unsure how to deal. I do know as I said before if its just we have grown apart and they don't like who I am then its a no go. On a brighter note got a nice friendship e-mail from one this morning and he gave me a call too seeming to be more like days of old. So we will see. Really its a waiting game for me. Till then keeping up the old fiendships, building some new ones and spending more time with hubby and sons.
Ruth
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Old 12-22-2008, 11:35 AM   #19
qwertyman173
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Just_Jen View Post
that's just poo though!
why dont we live in a perfect world :P
Another consideration is that we change ourselves. Usually a bit of both...
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Old 12-22-2008, 12:13 PM   #20
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you can always drop them and find new friends

or you can wait until their relationships cool or you have a date to take along yourself

frienships often go through eb and flow stages. don't hold it against them too much.
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