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Old 01-09-2009, 11:14 PM   #1
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Default No win situation

I have always struggled with my weight. I have always felt judged for being big and for most of my life I have wanted to lose weight. A little over a year ago I met a guy who has now left me more confused than ever. When I met him I weighed about 270 pounds. I was finally feeling confidant about my size and had accepted that I was going to be big and as long as I was comfortable I was okay with it.

About six months into my relationship with this man he confessed to me that he really liked bigger women and that it was a huge turn on when I would eat a lot. He told me about dimensions and I checked it out. I saw pictures of girls he was attracted to and they were at least 400 or so pounds. I knew I didn't want to get any bigger and he said he didn't want me to get any bigger. Then he started to add all this pressure. He wanted me to eat all the time. He would do anything just to convince me to eat more. At first it was exciting because I really liked feeling so wanted but I would eat so much that I would feel sick. If I didn't eat until I felt sick he was disappointed and wouldn't want to have sex. I gained about 50 pounds while I was with him. My family was terrified. They kept telling me that I was going to get diabetes or have a heart attack. I would tell him what they would say and he wouldn't say much and drive me to a fast food restaurant. After being together over 10 months I broke up with him because I was so unhappy and every time I would try to talk to him about it he would get mad at me.

A month after we broke up he got a hold of me and told me how much he loved me and wanted me back even though he had a new girlfriend. I told him that I still loved him and wanted to get back together but that I wanted to lose weight. He told me that if that was the case he didn't want me back.

I was devastated. I was in a lose-lose situation. If I lost weight my family and friends were happy but I was not. If I gained weight my boyfriend was happy but I was not. If I am skinny and attractive by social standards I will be wanted for my body and if I am fat and with someone who likes fat girls I will still be wanted for my body. I am so sick of it. Why can't everyone in our society forget about what people look like and just like who the person is?

I am in no way saying that being attracted to bigger people is a bad thing. I was naive and got myself into a bad situation and I get that. I just need to vent about this whole thing and my family and friends just don't get it. They just look at the whole thing as weird. I figure that there are other people out there probably on this website who have been with men who use you for your fat and make you think they love you. So I am venting and hoping that somewhere in the world there is someone who has felt the way I do right now and can relate.
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Old 01-10-2009, 08:45 AM   #2
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Neah;

This isn't a lose-lose....there are rarely just two choices when a problem arises. You bring up a lot of issues that so many of us here have dealt with; and I am pretty sure at one time in my life I could have written a post exactly like the one you have written. That's where my "advice" comes from.

Regarding your ex-boyfriend; it was unfair of him to put pressure on you to do something you weren't comfortable with. His behavior seems manipulative to me, and at best callous. If you were upset enough to discuss what your family shared with you with him and his response was to drive you to a fast food restaurant...to me that's dismissive and callous. You deserve better than that. While the situation may seem bad, please try to look at it as a learning experience. Take from it what was positive (you discovered a place where you can share your experience with others who have shared experiences for example) and discard the negative aspects and guilt. You deserve to be loved for who you are AND because of your body. It is possible. Not all guys who are attracted to fat women are like your ex-boyfriend.

Regarding your family and friends, that's always a tough situation. Dealing with strangers is often far easier than trying to navigate the mind field of familial relationships when it comes to body size, health and diet. The simplest answer is to hold your ground and just tell them you have decided to be who you want to be and that while you appreciate their concern, you have to make your own decisions. In a perfect world, that would be enough and they would drop it. But we all live in the real world, so you may have to repeat the message and continue to stand your ground with them. Will they come around? Eh, maybe not. I am sorry if that is defeatist, but as someone who has been there and still continues to deal with well meaning friends and family, I am also a realist.

In my opinion, it is important to concentrate on making yourself happy and doing what is best for you. I've lost some friends because of this and while that stings, I accept it as a part of the process. Likewise, my relationship with some of my family members are strained. Again, painful but not devastating. I'm sure you are familiar with the often quoted adage from Friedrich Nietzsche, "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." You have it within yourself to get up and move on, stronger and better equipped to deal with the next relationship that comes your way. Your "win situation" comes from within and you have the power to overcome the lose-lose by looking inward instead of outward.

Good luck to you!
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Old 01-10-2009, 09:39 AM   #3
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Your ex-boyfriend is clearly a manipulative scumbag who only saw you as a fat body rather than the beautiful woman that you are, and he obviously doesn't deserve you. I can imagine that if you did give into his demands, he would just keep trying to change you until you lost your sense of identity and he could control completely. Sorry you had a bad FA experience, we're not all crazy like that.

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Old 01-10-2009, 12:23 PM   #4
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thank you to both of you for your replies. It is really nice to know that there are people out there who can talk about this stuff and really be helpful. I completely agree that my win situation comes from myself. I know that there are guys out there who aren't like my ex was and I am glad to have found dimensions where I can meet people who are going to enjoy me for who I am and not just for what my body is

I am so glad I found this place!
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Old 01-10-2009, 12:25 PM   #5
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That's not a lose-lose. Feederism is mutual. He was doin' it wrong.

Sorry you had a bad experience. It's really not meant to be like that, and some guys really do appreciate women the way they come (And others with interest in what you're talking about want you to have mutual feelings). I hope expressing your feelings made you feel better.
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Old 01-10-2009, 12:42 PM   #6
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I think it's been said but yeah, not all FA's are like that. The woman I'm with happens to be full-figured and that is part of what attracted me to her to begin with but if she were to lose 200 pounds, I would still love her. Save yourself for a guy who cares more about your happiness than how sexually appealing you are to him. Beware, though, there are people on this board with the same mentality as your ex. I've even read posts by women that say they actually want a guy who wants them only for their body, even discrediting guys who are "bi-sizual." I find that sad but just to warn you, it is there.
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Old 01-10-2009, 12:51 PM   #7
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Oh, sweetie...I'm so sorry this happened to you. No one who claims to love another should EVER try to force them to do something they aren't comfortable with. That's not love, it's self-gratification without concern for the feelings of your partner. It's selfish and cold. You're better off without him.

Honestly, I'm 28 (young still by most standards) but it's taken me this friggin' long to start living in a way that makes ME happy. Some wouldn't agree with my choices and the direction I'm taking my life, but it makes ME happy and I can look at myself and say "Yes, K...this is right...this is the way you want it to be..." Everyone deserves happiness and satisfaction in everything. Start living and doing things for YOU.
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Old 01-10-2009, 12:55 PM   #8
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Please PM me his screen name so I can put him on my ignore list.

But seriously though, what a jerk!
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Old 01-10-2009, 12:57 PM   #9
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I don't know that I can add anything here other than to let you know...you are worthy of a man who will love you in a way that doesn't bring you conflict like this.

(((((((((((((neah)))))))))))))
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Old 01-10-2009, 02:15 PM   #10
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I've been there. Guys who want your body and not "you" are never worth the heartache. I hope you learn to love yourself again at any size. Welcome and good luck!
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Old 01-10-2009, 03:11 PM   #11
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you all are so great. I feel so much better. He was a jerk. I am happy with my body and I like who I am. I am better off without him. I love this website!
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Old 01-10-2009, 03:14 PM   #12
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Old 01-10-2009, 03:25 PM   #13
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You can't please everyone,so you got to please yourself.

I completely agree I am glad I have learned that even if I did have to learn it the hard way
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Old 01-10-2009, 03:34 PM   #14
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Please PM me his screen name so I can put him on my ignore list.

But seriously though, what a jerk!

Me too! Jeez
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Old 01-10-2009, 03:45 PM   #15
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Neah I am going to make this short and sweet.

If he will only be with you cause your fat that isnt love. Just like if your only with someone because they are thin. The thin sometimes become fat and the fat sometimes become thin. That is life. If he will not be with you because you want to lose a little weight, forget him. He might kinda love somethings about you and you happen to come in a plump body that he approves of, but he doest not love your for better for worse and so on.

He should love you no matter what. What happens if you have a terrible accident and you have to lose weight or get sick like i did once and lost 40 lbs. So then he doest love you anymore until he packs the pounds on you?

While it is ok to be extremly attracted to a certain type. You should still love the person inside more the outside, looks are the cherry on the sundae. Not the whole damn thing.

I have been through this when i was a bit small now the same men who wanted me to gain 100 more lbs see me and want me. But if something happens and i had to lose weight I would lose them to. That is not worth it.

Love yourself and someone will come along who will love you big or small.

Hugs Raqui
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Old 01-10-2009, 06:40 PM   #16
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I don't think he was using you for your fat, physical attraction is as much a part of a relationship as anything else. If it changes it would be cruel to pretend that it was still there. It does sound like he lied at the start when he said he didn't want you to gain though. It is the lying that I dislike.

You say you were excited by eating lots initially, maybe that sent out mixed signals. If it is something that turns it on it could be easily misconstrued. I'm not saying he was in the right to force it but it is your body and you have the responsibility of saying no.

I am not trying to be harsh, it just wouldn't be in my nature to give a sycophantic generic response. Hopefully only good will come out of this. Confidence comes out of experience and maybe next time you will find it easier to get the things you want from the relationship.

Love is a mutual thing, it takes time to grow. Words can't express it, only actions.
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Old 01-10-2009, 07:07 PM   #17
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This is all so new to me. I have come from a background where I was told that no one would ever love me because I am fat. I know I am definitely not the first person who has ever been told that but to find a place like this was really life changing for me. I have a lot of really good friends who love and accept me for who I am but I wouldn't really say that they admire me for being fat.

When I met someone who said that they not only loved me but they found me attractive especially because I was fat I was astounded. I was so excited and happy that I was now not only going to be allowed to eat but encouraged to do so. It was really a learning experience for me. And you are right I was sending out mixed signals. Being that he was my first real relationship I had no idea what I wanted. I was completely seduced by feeling wanted for doing something as simple as eating. I was more excited by feeling wanted then by eating. I knew next to nothing about FA's and Feeders and all this stuff and I really had no idea what I was doing.

When I started to gain a lot of weight I didn't like eating as much anymore. Not because I didn't want to be fat but it was starting to get hard to move around. It was uncomfortable. It was my responsibility to tell him I didn't want to do it anymore and I tried to tell him. I was never very blunt about it and that was a mistake. I was afraid to lose the first person I had ever been in love with.

I am not trying to say that everything that went wrong in this relationship was his fault. I know I made mistakes and sent mixed signals and didn't speak up enough. The obvious issue between he and I was our lack of honest communication.

The issue I have is not with fat or thin people or those who are attracted to them. What made me sad about this whole thing was that I always felt a little safe being fat. I assumed that no one would want me because of my body so I figured that whoever I ended up with would love me for me and my body wouldn't matter. I think that fat acceptance is a great movement but I am sad that in a way it is the same as our skinny worshipping society. It is all about the body and not the person underneath.

I have complete faith that I will meet someone who will love me for me and will be attracted to my body for what it is. I am glad I had this experience and I learned a lot. I made lots of mistakes and learned from them

I appreciate your honesty honeyhush. I respect people who will be brutally honest with me. I hope I explained that I do take responsibility in this and when I wrote that I was upset and venting not laying total blame on him

Sorry this is so long!!

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I don't think he was using you for your fat, physical attraction is as much a part of a relationship as anything else. If it changes it would be cruel to pretend that it was still there. It does sound like he lied at the start when he said he didn't want you to gain though. It is the lying that I dislike.

You say you were excited by eating lots initially, maybe that sent out mixed signals. If it is something that turns it on it could be easily misconstrued. I'm not saying he was in the right to force it but it is your body and you have the responsibility of saying no.

I am not trying to be harsh, it just wouldn't be in my nature to give a sycophantic generic response. Hopefully only good will come out of this. Confidence comes out of experience and maybe next time you will find it easier to get the things you want from the relationship.

Love is a mutual thing, it takes time to grow. Words can't express it, only actions.
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Old 01-10-2009, 07:23 PM   #18
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It is all about the body and not the person underneath.

Definitely not true. As you said, you will find someone who is thrilled with the inside and outside, and you should have your needs/desires met as well.

You don't have to be anything but you - ever.

Being with a good, fun, great man who just happens to also love a fat woman is very possible and happening all over the place here. If you're going out with a guy and find him attractive but also think he's a great person, is that all about his body - just because you happen to be attracted?? No.

I hate (not to you) that the men who have a preference for large women are held to a different standard than anyone else who happens to (God forbid!) find their partner attractive. What cads!

Enjoy the boards, lots of good people around, and plenty of positive situations and stories about the good - just not always as vocal and drama-filled as the bad stuff that floats to the top - you know how that goes.
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Old 01-10-2009, 07:38 PM   #19
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If you're going out with a guy and find him attractive but also think he's a great person, is that all about his body - just because you happen to be attracted?? No.

I hate (not to you) that the men who have a preference for large women are held to a different standard than anyone else who happens to (God forbid!) find their partner attractive. What cads!

Enjoy the boards, lots of good people around, and plenty of positive situations and stories about the good - just not always as vocal and drama-filled as the bad stuff that floats to the top - you know how that goes.
I already enjoy it here and I am not meaning to say anything negative about FA's in general. I think there are a lot of really great guys out there who are attracted to big girls. I was just looking to talk about my one bad situation with other people who have been there before.

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Old 01-10-2009, 07:49 PM   #20
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I am dating a beautiful confident sexy SSBBW we share some similar fetishes we'v played around with feeding and stuffing, she enjoys feeling full and she wants me to take on the more dominant role when it comes to this. for some reason i'm not comfortable doing this as of yet (this is by no means an issue in our relationship but a little insight into how i view our relationship) I want to be the dominant man she wants for her fantasy but am uncomfortable being forceful with her i think it's because i respect her far to much to play the aggressor in these situations. feeding and weightgain do excite me, but i feel like i walk this very thin line i don't want her to think she has to stay big or gain in order to keep me and i don't want her to fear losing me if she lost weight i love her for her, the jiggly soft bits are all a bonus. i know she knows all this and understands, but when it comes down to brass tacks i end up being my own worst enemy. partly out of fear of being the ass that just loves her for her body even though it is obviously not the case my head keeps getting in my way! any way respectful men do exist
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Old 01-10-2009, 07:49 PM   #21
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I already enjoy it here and I am not meaning to say anything negative about FA's in general. I think there are a lot of really great guys out there who are attracted to big girls. I was just looking to talk about my one bad situation with other people who have been there before.

Oh I know, and please don't take what I said personally, I know you were just talking about a bad situation you've been through... just wanted to show you there is definitely another side of the coin. Glad you're enjoying your time here.
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Old 01-10-2009, 07:52 PM   #22
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im glad i make sense
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Old 01-11-2009, 10:34 AM   #23
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neah, as you probably know, you're not the only one to have their first relationship not turn out for the best. I'm glad you took it as a learning experience. You now have a better idea what you want and don't want in a relationship.

That guy is clearly an insensitive jerk. He didn't listen to what you needed, and the fact that he tried to get back together with you while dating someone else if just further proof. I'm glad you're smart enough to realize that other FAs are different. I hope you enjoy it here a Dimensions.
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Old 01-14-2009, 09:22 PM   #24
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Neah, you are def not the only one to have been with a guy who only wanted your body. As you said, thin girls go thru it too unfortunately. I went thru a few lovers before I figured out which way was up, you know? I was drunk on the attention since I'd never had so much of it before but then I sobered up. The attention became empty and I realized it would be better to have a guy who liked me and my body. I realized too that I needed to figure out what to look for in the kinds of guys who could do that. Once I figured it out and looked back at the guys I choose....yeah, I can see very clearly now I was never gonna get anywhere good with them. Live and learn, and thank god I did. At least it only took only one guy for you to figure it out. I give you props for that.
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Old 01-16-2009, 02:26 PM   #25
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Neah, dittos from me to all the excellent posts and advice you have received to this point. I will only add, while the Lord may give you your relatives, thank God YOU can pick your friends! Family should be the best supporters and the safest place you know, but frequently they end up being sharks who scent blood and attack. Sometimes you just have to tune-out and shake your head slightly until it passes. Good life and good luck.
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