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Old 01-26-2009, 09:26 PM   #51
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Quote:
Originally Posted by succubus_dxb View Post
there's nothing better than an MJ joke...

what do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?

they both cum on little crackers
You know it's funny when you're by yourself and you laugh out loud.

I just did.
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Old 01-26-2009, 09:41 PM   #52
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I would appreciate a PM of any of the truly awesome ones.
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Old 01-26-2009, 09:45 PM   #53
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I would appreciate a PM of any of the truly awesome ones.
PM sent. You're gonna regret it.
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Old 01-26-2009, 09:52 PM   #54
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I would also like a PM of some dirty jokes.
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Old 01-26-2009, 09:53 PM   #55
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Send it to me too!!!
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Old 01-26-2009, 11:35 PM   #56
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i've heard some very terrible ones, i'm not afraid. PM please
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Old 01-27-2009, 07:05 AM   #57
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I want a PM of filthy jokes!!


what do you call two lesbians with their periods?



finger painting
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Old 01-27-2009, 07:09 AM   #58
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Originally Posted by krismiss View Post
... ALMOST.

but not hahaha
Her pussy smelled so bad I almost couldn't eat it.
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Old 01-27-2009, 07:11 AM   #59
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Originally Posted by luvmybbws View Post
Her pussy smelled so bad I almost couldn't eat it.
brilliant! imagine that being your first and only post!! Especially if it wasnt in the context of the joke thred!
think i'm going to rep you! (in an irish accent)
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Old 01-27-2009, 07:38 AM   #60
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Quote:
Originally Posted by exile in thighville View Post
you guys are pussies. this is the tamest shit ever.
QFT.

Also requesting too-hot-for-.com PM.
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Old 01-28-2009, 05:10 PM   #61
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two prostitutes were walkin...
one said "Girl, we gonna get PAID tonight! I can smell d**k in the air!"
The other girl laughed and said "b*tch I just burped!"

****

After 20 years of sex in the dark a wife finds out her husband always used a d*ldo on her. She said explain the d*ldo fool!! He said explain the kids b**tch!


P.S.... lol I'd love to get on the "too gross to post" list.. and please PM me any gross jokes available! nothing too gross for me!

PPS...
what's the difference between anal sex and a microwave??

A microwave doesn't brown your meat.
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Old 01-29-2009, 09:26 AM   #62
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I'd like a PM with the really disturbing ones please.
-------

A guy goes to a brothel with only two dollars. The dame says: "for two dollars, there ain't much you can do, but you know what, we got a dead hooker in room 45 if you want." The guy hands the dollars over and has sex with the dead hooker. After an hour he returns, and the dame asks: "So, how was it?" He answered: "Fine, but her nose wouldn't stop running..."
SO the dame says: "Aw, she must be full."
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Old 01-29-2009, 09:50 AM   #63
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Default Racism, misogyny AND a pun. Home Run!!

What do you call a Mexican whore with no legs?

Consuelo

Plus the blondes won't get it! Grand Slam!!!

Blonde tip: cunts-way-low
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Old 01-29-2009, 09:57 AM   #64
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Now, i know some of the BAAAAD jokes involve cock wiping on teddy bears as this is a no-go zone..ok here is mine...

A guy was sitting at the bar crying into his whiskey, which he is knocking back like there is no tommorow. The bartender notices this and says "look mate, ive noticed your upset. Do you want to talk about it?"
The guy said through sniffles and boozy breath..
"i just caught my best friend fucking my wife"
"christ!" said the bartender "Thats awful, what did you say to your wife?"
"Nothing, i'm never talking to that bitch again"
"ahh understandable" said the bartender as he refilled the guys glass.."and what did you say to your best friend?"
The guy downs his drink "BAD DOG!!!"

erm.. so what i want to ask.. are beastiality jokes acceptable?? Concentual beastiality of course!!
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Old 01-29-2009, 10:05 AM   #65
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There were two twins, Tom and Harry. Tom was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that Harrys wife died the same day Toms boat sank.

A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Tom and mistaking him for Harry said Im sorry to hear about your loss. You must be feeling terrible.

Tom, thinking she was talking about his boat said Fact is Im sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them she wasnt very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle...

The old woman fainted.

__________________________________________

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.

He come house.

I watch.

He and she leave house.

I follow.

He and she get on train.

I follow.

He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree-look in window.

He kiss she.

She kiss he.

He strip she.

She strip he.

He play with she.

She play with he.

I play with me.

fall out of tree, not see.

NO FEE

__________________________________________

Us girls know this one's true....

"The nerve endings," said St. Peter. "How many will I put in her hands?"

"How many did we put in Adam?", asked The Lord.

"Two hundred, O Mighty One", replied St. Peter.

"Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord.

"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals", inquired St. Peter.

"How many did we put in Adam?", asked The Lord.

"Four hundred and twenty, O Mighty One", replied St. Peter.

"Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman", said The Lord.

"Yes, O Great Lord", said St. Peter.

"No, wait," said The Lord. "Give her ten thousand, I want her to scream out my name!..."

Last edited by Mercedes; 01-29-2009 at 10:16 AM.
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Old 01-29-2009, 10:29 AM   #66
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ernest Nagel View Post
What do you call a Mexican whore with no legs?

Consuelo

Plus the blondes won't get it! Grand Slam!!!

Blonde tip: cunts-way-low
I thought it meant "can-swallow" though I'm not a blonde. I've been dubbed an honorary though.
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Old 01-29-2009, 09:49 PM   #67
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Why does Michael Jackson shop at Walmart?

Because little boys pants are half off.
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Old 01-31-2009, 11:29 AM   #68
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Originally Posted by phatfatgirl View Post
two prostitutes were walkin...
one said "Girl, we gonna get PAID tonight! I can smell d**k in the air!"
The other girl laughed and said "b*tch I just burped!"
hehehehe...
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Old 01-31-2009, 11:57 AM   #69
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Cinderella wants to go to the ball but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As she sits crying in the garden her fairy godmother appears to her. "I can give you everything you need to go to the ball," she said, "but only on two conditions. First, you have to wear a diaphram."

"Umm, ok," says Cinderella. "What is the second condition?"

"You have to be back here no later than 2 am or that diaphram turns into a pumpkin," said the fairy godmother. ouch!

The fairy godmother transforms Cinderella and sends her off. 2 am rolls around and Cinderella doesn't show up. The fairy godmother waits around. 3:00..... 4:00.... 5:00... No Cinderella. Finally at about 6:15 Cinderella comes strolling in looking lovestruck and very satisfied.

The fairy godmother is furious. "Where have you been?? That diaphram was supposed to change back into a pumpkin hours ago!"

Cinderella says, "Fairy godmother, I met a prince at the ball and he took care of EVERYTHING."

Fairy godmother says, "I know of no prince with such power, what was his name?"

"Uh, I don't know," Cinderella said. "It was 'Peter Peter...' something or other."
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Old 01-31-2009, 03:00 PM   #70
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LMAO Lilly!!!!
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Old 02-02-2009, 07:16 PM   #71
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Good one LillyBBBW

What do you call a Canadian who's about to be fucked?

A Mountie

(I still have my day job)
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Old 02-07-2009, 10:27 AM   #72
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A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"



A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."



A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn�t because she didn�t have any clothes on. He replies, �Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!�

She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I�m sorry, I think he's too far in."
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Old 02-08-2009, 04:45 PM   #73
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An elderly couple are sitting side by side in a restaurant. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, 'I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.' So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises, moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, 'This is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.'

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"
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Old 02-08-2009, 05:36 PM   #74
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A man walks in to a bar holding an alligator under his arm. He sets the alligator up on the bar, turns to the stunned patrons and says, "I'll bet you all a round of drinks that I can put my penis in the mouth of this gator and leave it there for two full minutes and then remove it without a scratch." A bawdy chuckle goes through the crowd and all agree to the man's terms.

The man zips down his pants and pulls out his penis. He opens the mouth of the alligator and sticks his penis inside, gently closing the gator's mouth on to it. A tense silence fills the room for a full two minutes. Immediately when the two minutes are up the man grabs a beer bottle and smashes it over the head of the alligator. The alligator slowly opens his mouth, and the man removes his penis without a scratch.

As he's enjoying his first free drink of the evening he turns to the crowd once again. "$500.00 to anyone who gives it a try!" he yells. A murmur goes through the crowd. After much hemming and hawing a hand goes up in the back of the bar. The man calls to the person at the back to come forward. The crowd goes silent as the volunteer slowly emerges from the shadows. A woman comes to stand before the man at the bar. "I'll give it a try," the woman said, "but you have to promise not to hit me over the head with the beer bottle."
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"...If the only pain you recognize as valid is your own, of course you'll have trouble identifying it when you see it in other people. That's the trouble with narcissism. It makes you really inadequate and boring."

Have you hugged a fat girl today?

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Old 07-04-2011, 08:18 PM   #75
ignorantmonkey
 
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ignorantmonkey can now be the recipient of "two cans" jokesignorantmonkey can now be the recipient of "two cans" jokes
Talking

There is another one way more dirty than that:
What is the biggest lie, way closer to the real truth?
I was born thru my mom's anus!
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