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Old 09-25-2010, 09:55 PM   #1
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Default Will you date a transperson?

I figured that I might as well post this since we have a few awesome queer transfolk here.

One of my best friends has sank into a deep depression lately. The cause? She is a pre-op MtF who identifies as a lesbian, has lived as a woman for more than six years and is completely cool with her identity and was even active in GLBTQ activism. Despite her being gorgeous, intelligent, sweet, utterly loveable and a great catch in so many ways, the women she meets almost always lose interest once they find out that she is not a biological woman and sadly, most are not exactly kind about it. Not that it matters much, but she passes well and does not actively try to hide the fact that she is not a biological woman to potential love interests - she doesn't always tell them the first time she encounters them, be it online, in person or on the first date but certainly way before they get intimate so no penile surprise for the unsuspecting there. Apart from me (we dated for eighteen months a few years ago and it ended for reasons unrelated to gender or sexuality), the women who do show interest in her date or sleep with her because it is a safe way of trying something new, because they are curious in general or simply have a fetish for girls with cocks. Her main issue with it is that all of these people see her as a tranny first, woman second if at all and she is upset about feeling like she does not having a decent chance at love compared to cisgender people or transpeople who identify as heterosexual or bisexual.

In addition, lesbians in general are pretty hostile towards transwomen in general. She is obviously upset about not belonging and lately has latched on to how it is unfair that it more acceptable to for lesbians to date "men with cunts" than "women with cocks" and in her mind, lesbians should be more interested in female-gendered individuals than people who own vags. She does not get along with most other transwomen either because of their heavy emphasis on passing, the "right" way to be trans and their lack of understanding for her sexuality. We have many friends who are cool with transpeople but they have said that they would probably not date one and recently, she has taken that as a personal affront. She doesn't like "tranny chasers" because she feels objectified by them (most of the ones we come across have the whole "fuck a ladyboy but marry a woman" mentality - sounds familiar?). I tried to draw parallels between them and "fat admirers" but she believes that it is something different entirely and she has no problems with my love for her jiggly belly.



For the transpeople:
Do you face similar problems and how do you deal with them? How do you feel about "chasers"? Any positive romantic stories to share?

For the others (queer or straight, doesn't matter):
Will you consider dating a trans person and how do you see them in general?
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Old 09-25-2010, 11:43 PM   #2
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This is something I've thought about asking, too, so thank you for bringing it up. This and things involving this.

I would date someone who is transgendered if there was a connection. And support them through whatever they need to go through if they're pre-op and getting to the point of surgery. I think it's the emotional side that matters the most.

I had, at one point, crushed on someone who passed so well as a girl. She was pre-op and she identified as straight. I only truly found that out when she started flirting with a friend of mine while she was drunk. Then had a long talk in the morning. We're still friends now but I think I would have liked to date her had she been interested in women.

I think if people were more accepting of transgendered people on the whole, there wouldn't be as much using and abusing going on. Everyone deserves love, after all.
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Old 09-26-2010, 12:05 AM   #3
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I have dated the transgendered, and will continue to date them (if they'll let me!)

I identify as pansexual. I love the person, not the shell they're in. I think that makes it easier for me to see the gender and not the genitalia of those I'm with. Girls with cocks? Bring them on, baby!

My longest dating experience involved a MtF trans who identified as a lesbian. It was very easy for me to see her as a her and to interact with her as I would any other female (that I was sleeping with ). Much fun was had by all.

The only annoying thing was when she gained enough weight to fit into all of my clothes... and then she started borrowing them, only for them to get lost in the abyss that was her closet.
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Old 09-26-2010, 01:03 AM   #4
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Yes, if we got on. I can't think of anymore I'd add to that except I'm sorry for your friend and hope things improve.
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Old 09-26-2010, 01:11 AM   #5
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I would date her/him with no problem. I date the person not their gender.
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Old 09-26-2010, 04:49 PM   #6
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I would date a tranny. I identify as pansexual when pressed to label myself, although I tend not to be attracted to girlie girls, so most MTFs usually don't do for me. However, that's not to say I would never fall for a MTF and, if i did, I would definitely see her as her and what's between the lady's legs wouldn't matter.
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Old 09-26-2010, 04:59 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by Cors View Post
For the transpeople:
Do you face similar problems and how do you deal with them? How do you feel about "chasers"? Any positive romantic stories to share?
I honestly have never had a date turn positive (I don't try to date, they've just happened). Eventually they find out and are grossed out or they're interested still because of the oddity. I want it to be a non-issue, not a plus or minus. I am not some f***ing experiment. Please respect me. I'm pretty normal, other than being a bigirl with a cock. That's just a part of the package, not a highlight, not really heavy baggage.

Chasers honestly creep me out. There's a difference between something being a plus or a preference versus being a fixation. I have met one, because I know his wife (she's ts). I felt so dirty, scared and insecure in their house that when I got back in my car I cried uncontrollably for one of maybe 10 times in my life.

Really, the ideal is that my past and my parts are irrelevant. That goes for all aspects of life from employment to relationships.
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Old 09-26-2010, 07:52 PM   #8
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I can't see past or parts being irrelevant for anyone--regardless of who the person is.

Because of my own gender fuckery, I am attracted to other people who've dealt with gender-fuckery things--even if they're things that have been dealt with and are in the past and settled, etc. I'm not a chaser, but I consider any one else who's been through anything where gender and identity have been a (for lack of a better word) question to be one step closer to being someone I could get on with, because at least they get that aspect.

If that makes any sense.

Of course, it isn't a reason upon which to base a relationship because it negates the person themselves, but it can still be important and positive.
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Old 09-26-2010, 07:56 PM   #9
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I'm straight, and here's my answer:

I never really thought about it. I mean, a woman is still a woman, right? Even if that woman used to be a dude? I mean, what's so bad about that?
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Old 09-26-2010, 08:45 PM   #10
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I can't see past or parts being irrelevant for anyone--regardless of who the person is.

Because of my own gender fuckery, I am attracted to other people who've dealt with gender-fuckery things--even if they're things that have been dealt with and are in the past and settled, etc. I'm not a chaser, but I consider any one else who's been through anything where gender and identity have been a (for lack of a better word) question to be one step closer to being someone I could get on with, because at least they get that aspect.

If that makes any sense.

Of course, it isn't a reason upon which to base a relationship because it negates the person themselves, but it can still be important and positive.
I'm ever the pessimist. Ideals, such as my aforementioned one, are really just ends of a spectrum, and I never really believe that ideals are achieved. Mostly because someone's ideal is one person's hellish nightmare.

I don't ever really believe that it will not be an issue, however, I would be happy with it being more of a back burner issue. Yes, it will come up whenever I date, interview for jobs, am evaluated for promotion and more. I just want to have to worry about it less. For some people, I will always be a "dude" and am some kind of freak. I can live with that as long as I just don't have to deal with it very often.

I think where I define a chaser as someone who dehumanizes and objectifies someone with attribute X. I get along better with women who are interested in high fashion, specifically haute couture. But it never has been a fetish for me, and is really just a bonus. I don't want to demonize fetishists, but I am having a hard time wording this.

I like your last comment. It really encompasses my sentiment.

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Old 09-26-2010, 08:58 PM   #11
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interview for jobs, am evaluated for promotion and more.
Without sounding too soapboxy, I have to say this is pretty much the case for women full stop. As a woman, your gender is always going to be examined extra closely during these processes--it may be even tougher for someone who wasn't born with the anatomical parts of a woman, because the examination may be closer/more "why would you choose to be a woman??!?!" but it's still there. That never goes away and is, I'm afraid to say, part of being a woman.
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Old 09-26-2010, 09:36 PM   #12
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Without sounding too soapboxy, I have to say this is pretty much the case for women full stop. As a woman, your gender is always going to be examined extra closely during these processes--it may be even tougher for someone who wasn't born with the anatomical parts of a woman, because the examination may be closer/more "why would you choose to be a woman??!?!" but it's still there. That never goes away and is, I'm afraid to say, part of being a woman.
My mom worked as a model (a long time ago lol) and said interviews meant being complicit meat.

When I've had issues, it's never been "why", it has been disgust and unwaivering hatred at what I am. Luckily, I've yet to have an employer have any issues, it's only been people I've gone on dates with or random strangers who found out. The only reason I worry is because I don't have employment protections that women and other groups have. I can be straight up fired for being TS without any repercussions.
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Old 09-26-2010, 09:36 PM   #13
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Interesting that this thread comes up, because someone asked me this question not even a week ago. Up until that point I had never thought about it. Trans folk don't freak me out, so I wouldn't have an issue there. To me a woman is a woman if she thinks she's a woman, so that's not an issue either. The sex part isn't an issue because I can't do intercourse anyway. Damn spinal problems.

I guess if she and I were attracted to each other (and I was single, of course) I'd give it a shot.
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Old 09-26-2010, 09:56 PM   #14
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I'm open to it, but I wouldn't prefer to do it.
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Old 09-27-2010, 03:37 AM   #15
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My mom worked as a model (a long time ago lol) and said interviews meant being complicit meat.

When I've had issues, it's never been "why", it has been disgust and unwaivering hatred at what I am. Luckily, I've yet to have an employer have any issues, it's only been people I've gone on dates with or random strangers who found out. The only reason I worry is because I don't have employment protections that women and other groups have. I can be straight up fired for being TS without any repercussions.
FWIW, so can fat people in most places/situations (get fired withour repercussions). They also get shit on in job interviews and in promotions, and its happened to me.

I guess I'm playing oppression olympics here, so let me be clear, I'm not trying to invalidate anyone's experiences. As a fat genderqueer myself, I struggle with both forms of discrimination in the workplace (and other places), so I never know how much of my treatment is because of one or the other.

As to the OP, well, yes, I do date a trans person, and it is great.
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Old 09-27-2010, 07:03 PM   #16
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FWIW, so can fat people in most places/situations (get fired withour repercussions). They also get shit on in job interviews and in promotions, and its happened to me.

I guess I'm playing oppression olympics here, so let me be clear, I'm not trying to invalidate anyone's experiences. As a fat genderqueer myself, I struggle with both forms of discrimination in the workplace (and other places), so I never know how much of my treatment is because of one or the other.

As to the OP, well, yes, I do date a trans person, and it is great.
I'm not trying to argue either. I like the term you used "oppression olympics", not for any reason other than it is funny. I've said it before, we generally carry a torch for what is close to us. That aside, I'm going to stop posting about this stuff because it seems like I'm playing the victim when I post on this forum and I hate when people do that. Sorry cors for the thread derail, and anyone who wants to continue this, reply, etc; pm me and leave this thread clearer.
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Old 09-27-2010, 07:17 PM   #17
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Most def.

I'm a bi woman who often likes androgynous/genderfuck types, which plenty of MtF women fit under. I probably prefer pre-op, but it doesn't matter (I'm one of those people who just don't find genitalia that interesting in general I get turned on more by height, facial expression, shoulders etc).

Is she interested in other lesbian transwomen? Maybe a shared background of sorts would help. Not all transwomen are obsessed with passing - I think the heterosexual ones are more likely to try to do so. I agree that the queer community in general, much less broader society, doesn't treat transpeople well . There aren't that many lesbians even in the bigger cities, so just by numbers, the chance of finding love will be lower than for het and/or cisgender women. That sucks, but there's not much we can do except look more intensely and seize opportunities when they come. I think the obsession with what you look like in bed tends to mellow with age too.
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Old 09-28-2010, 09:34 AM   #18
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I'm trans and bi and am considering giving up attempting dating. People say that being bi gives you a wider dating pool - it really just gives you twice as many people to reject you. Though, I've never actually been on a date with someone I wasn't actually involved with, and most of the interested people I've encountered have been either creepy chasers or the 'fuck a ladyboy, marry a reel woman' type.
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Old 10-06-2010, 04:40 PM   #19
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I'm a bisexual woman and yes, I would, date, have a relationship and marry a MTF. The way I see it, I'm looking to fall in love with a person's soul and hope and pray that they will feel the same about me.
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Old 10-06-2010, 06:20 PM   #20
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I would be interested in dating a trans man or female.
I havent before but theres always tomorrow!

Sucks that your buddy has to go threw that shit.
People can be cold.
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Old 10-06-2010, 06:22 PM   #21
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I'm a bisexual woman and yes, I would, date, have a relationship and marry a MTF. The way I see it, I'm looking to fall in love with a person's soul and hope and pray that they will feel the same about me.

I agree with your comment so much. Wish their were more people like this around.Sucks that someone would have to go threw all this craziness to fine ~the one. =/
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Old 10-06-2010, 06:30 PM   #22
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Oh yeah!! What was I thinking!! I would definitely date, be in a relationship, and marry FTM, also!!!
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Old 10-07-2010, 08:32 AM   #23
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Nope, probably not.
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Old 10-07-2010, 02:39 PM   #24
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i probably wouldn't either but i'd never say never. i'm generally attracted to the naturally very masculine type so who knows?
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Old 10-07-2010, 03:57 PM   #25
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i probably wouldn't either but i'd never say never. i'm generally attracted to the naturally very masculine type so who knows?
Well, most FtMs tend to be VERY masculine. At least, if my roommate is any indication xD
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