Advice please.....

[freedombigirl]

Hi,

I haven't posted for a while and a lot has changed since I last did, I am in another relationship and have been for 6 months. I love my girlfriend but the other day she went to the doctors about something (not related to this) and she was advised to loose weight.

We were texting/talking on the phone about this (I was at work) and she asked me if I would still fancy her if she lost weight. (She is nearly 16 stone/220lbs and 5 foot 1).

When we saw each other we talked more about this. She knows I've always loved big women. I told her I would still love her but I think she could sense that I may not fancy her as much.

The doctor has said she is healthy so I guess the loosing weight would just be a precaution, but I really don't want her to loose weight and part of me feels selfish/controlling for saying that. I have told her all this and she says she can understand and wont take the doc's advice.

I'm still felling bad about it though and wondered if anyone could give me some advice please?

Thanks.

[Cors]

Most doctors are fat-phobic. I am assuming that your girlfriend does not have any health issues that might be improved by a small weight loss, so she shouldn't lose weight unless she wants to.

[chicken legs]

well what if she lost fat and gained muscle.....she would still be the same weight, and appease the doctor

[Fascinita]

Originally Posted by freedombigirl

Hi,

I haven't posted for a while and a lot has changed since I last did, I am in another relationship and have been for 6 months. I love my girlfriend but the other day she went to the doctors about something (not related to this) and she was advised to loose weight.

We were texting/talking on the phone about this (I was at work) and she asked me if I would still fancy her if she lost weight. (She is nearly 16 stone/220lbs and 5 foot 1).

When we saw each other we talked more about this. She knows I've always loved big women. I told her I would still love her but I think she could sense that I may not fancy her as much.

The doctor has said she is healthy so I guess the loosing weight would just be a precaution, but I really don't want her to loose weight and part of me feels selfish/controlling for saying that. I have told her all this and she says she can understand and wont take the doc's advice.

I'm still felling bad about it though and wondered if anyone could give me some advice please?

Thanks.

If you wanted to be supportive, I think you might ask her what she wants to do, and encourage her to go ahead and do just that. Otherwise, tell her you prefer her fatter and let her know whether you think you'd have definite feelings about her having lost weight once she does. Don't keep her guessing. That way she knows what she's up against. It's fair to you to be able to state your preference clearly, and fair to her to let her know what to expect from you if she loses weight. This will also tell her something about your character which she may choose to consider when deciding whether to lose or not. Good luck.

[mergirl]

Originally Posted by Fascinita

If you wanted to be supportive, I think you might ask her what she wants to do, and encourage her to go ahead and do just that. Otherwise, tell her you prefer her fatter and let her know whether you think you'd have definite feelings about her having lost weight once she does. Don't keep her guessing. That way she knows what she's up against. It's fair to you to be able to state your preference clearly, and fair to her to let her know what to expect from you if she loses weight. This will also tell her something about your character which she may choose to consider when deciding whether to lose or not. Good luck.

Good Sound advice Fascinita. This is an issue that comes up time and time again on these boards and is something that i know must cause Fa's and their partners a lot of heartache and worry.
I think honesty is always best. You love big women and that is the way you are made. On the other hand, if i'm perfectly honest ive never actually met a big woman (in real life not in dimensions) who didnt want to lose at least some weight. This is where the Fa dilema lies. I think in this situation it seems less pressing because she is not being asked to lose weight for health reasons, as you say, she is healthy. Talk to her, be honest with her and be honest with yourself.
Actually Me and GD were talking about this last night. She would like to lose some weight and i would feel awful if she ever felt i would stop being attracted to her if she did. If i am honest, i wouldnt, as i am Bi-Sizual and dont have a size preference on the bbw spectrum..Though i have to be honest and say i am never attracted to thin women.
At the end of the day, its your partners body and if she wants to lose weight you need to support her in that. Whether this means that you wouldnt be attracted to her anymore is something only you would know. You cant change who you are though, so i wouldnt beat yourself up about it.
p.s Doctors are notorious Fatophobes
p.p.s. Come say hello in the lqbtq forum!!

[freedombigirl]

Thank you all for your replies and advice, I will talk to my girlfriend more soon.

I guess I'm quite shy on these boards! Lol. Mergirl...the lqbtq forum...how do I find that?

[mergirl]

Originally Posted by freedombigirl

Thank you all for your replies and advice, I will talk to my girlfriend more soon.

I guess I'm quite shy on these boards! Lol. Mergirl...the lqbtq forum...how do I find that?

The lgbtq forum is on the main page. Its a newly added forum! yay!

[freedombigirl]

Thanks, I'm soo non-observant! Lol. Will check it out

[Gingembre]

Originally Posted by Fascinita

If you wanted to be supportive, I think you might ask her what she wants to do, and encourage her to go ahead and do just that. Otherwise, tell her you prefer her fatter and let her know whether you think you'd have definite feelings about her having lost weight once she does. Don't keep her guessing. That way she knows what she's up against. It's fair to you to be able to state your preference clearly, and fair to her to let her know what to expect from you if she loses weight. This will also tell her something about your character which she may choose to consider when deciding whether to lose or not. Good luck.

Excellent advice Fascinita! And wonderfully put

To add my 2 cents, I would say just be honest so, as Fascinita says, your gf knows what she's up against and can decide whether losing weight is something she wants to do or not. For various reasons, I have been losing weight over the past few months. I have been dating a FA for about 6 months and he found it hard to deal....he's been v supportive, but this week he told me he couldn't take it anymore and we have parted. It kinda sucks but was inevitable...I'm happier being smallER (sorry, not very size accepting, just trying to use my experience to help advise the OP) and while I'm still a small bbw, it was too small for my boy. Although it didn't really sway my decisions much in the end, it did help that my ex was, for the most part, honest with me and told me how he was feeling (and i with him)...it meant I could always consider what I was doing and all the implications that might have, rather than assuming he was fine with everything because he wasn't saying otherwise.

[mergirl]

Originally Posted by Gingembre

Excellent advice Fascinita! And wonderfully put

To add my 2 cents, I would say just be honest so, as Fascinita says, your gf knows what she's up against and can decide whether losing weight is something she wants to do or not. For various reasons, I have been losing weight over the past few months. I have been dating a FA for about 6 months and he found it hard to deal....he's been v supportive, but this week he told me he couldn't take it anymore and we have parted. It kinda sucks but was inevitable...I'm happier being smallER (sorry, not very size accepting, just trying to use my experience to help advise the OP) and while I'm still a small bbw, it was too small for my boy. Although it didn't really sway my decisions much in the end, it did help that my ex was, for the most part, honest with me and told me how he was feeling (and i with him)...it meant I could always consider what I was doing and all the implications that might have, rather than assuming he was fine with everything because he wasn't saying otherwise.

Hmm.. you know, this post makes me feel so pulled. My first reaction is to think "What a fucking bastard"!! and get all angry and say stuff like "well you are better off without him" etc..
And then i think about how, if my gf lost a LOT of weight (to the point of being really thin) i honestly dont think i would actually find her attractive.
You know, even as i'm writing that..i feel angry at myself!!! I really hope that if she did lose a huge amount of weight that there are enough other things that i find attractive about her that it just wouldnt matter, but i really think my Fa sexuality is so strong that i think i would feel in mourning somehow.
I think if someone broke up with me because i gained weight, i would think "Shallow bastard i'm better off without them" but then..isnt that just the same??
Though, maby they are just..hmm whats the opposite of Fa ?? Ba? Ma? hmm...
I just cant imagine how that would make you feel..I think it is a huge part of Fa guilt that you read about a lot on Dims boards..the other side of it is reading from Fas who feel unhappy because they have been married for ages to someone they dont find physically attractive...
I think thats why its always best to be upfront about your sexuality to begin with. Though that in itself can be a minefield because then the person might be afraid to lose weight (even if they wanted) because they would be scared of losing the person.. which is just as bad!??!
ok ..i'm rambling now..and i feel more confused, with more rambles than when i began!
I think the main point is that its important for both people in the relationship to be happy and its a matter of weighing up prioroties and levels of happiness..
Again, sorry to hear about your break up. Break ups are always so shitty..with too much to think about... bleeeaarrghh!

[Gingembre]

Originally Posted by mergirl

Hmm.. you know, this post makes me feel so pulled. My first reaction is to think "What a fucking bastard"!! and get all angry and say stuff like "well you are better off without him" etc..
And then i think about how, if my gf lost a LOT of weight (to the point of being really thin) i honestly dont think i would actually find her attractive.
You know, even as i'm writing that..i feel angry at myself!!! I really hope that if she did lose a huge amount of weight that there are enough other things that i find attractive about her that it just wouldnt matter, but i really think my Fa sexuality is so strong that i think i would feel in mourning somehow.
I think if someone broke up with me because i gained weight, i would think "Shallow bastard i'm better off without them" but then..isnt that just the same??
Though, maby they are just..hmm whats the opposite of Fa ?? Ba? Ma? hmm...
I just cant imagine how that would make you feel..I think it is a huge part of Fa guilt that you read about a lot on Dims boards..the other side of it is reading from Fas who feel unhappy because they have been married for ages to someone they dont find physically attractive...
I think thats why its always best to be upfront about your sexuality to begin with. Though that in itself can be a minefield because then the person might be afraid to lose weight (even if they wanted) because they would be scared of losing the person.. which is just as bad!??!
ok ..i'm rambling now..and i feel more confused, with more rambles than when i began!
I think the main point is that its important for both people in the relationship to be happy and its a matter of weighing up prioroties and levels of happiness..
Again, sorry to hear about your break up. Break ups are always so shitty..with too much to think about... bleeeaarrghh!

You totally hit the nail on the head here! Altho I have lost what some may deem a significant amount of weight (which this board really isnt the place to discuss..but i'm certainly not "really thin"!) it was more the internal conflict that got my man to breaking point. The pulling in himself between "she's getting smaller..she's getting less attractive" and "stop being such a shallow bastard and let her be happy" was what he couldn't take in the end..he also felt like he'd failed in his role as an FA by not managing to convince me that i was beautiful as I was before. So, altho it's shitty at the moment, i can see why he'd had enough. I always knew he was very much an FA and, even tho in the wake of the break up i feel a bit like i've failed coz my personality wasn't enough to combat the decreasing size issue, I know that that isn't really the issue, and the FA thang is not something that can (or should be) pushed to one side. Likewise, as much as I miss him (as a friend more than anything, but give it time!) I was essentially given a choice, and chose to keep to a lower weight and sacrifice the boy.

Ok, definitely said enough here now coz I know said man is an occasional reader here, and it's getting waaaay off topic!