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Old 03-01-2009, 08:18 AM   #1
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Default How do you deal with being queer in a non-queer world?

Sometimes I find it hard to be me in this world. That isn't all about being so obviously queer, but I'm sure it is a huge part of it. Fat and queer can be a hard road to travel in this world, I think, for many reasons. It also can be a wonderful thing. So, what are the moments/places/events/etc where you struggle to be authentically queer and/or fat you, and how do you navigate that? Conversely, when and where is it easy and/or pleasant to be authentically queer and/or fat?

I'm feeling less than sunny about being queer right now, so would really appreciate some responses. Thanks!
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Old 03-01-2009, 03:13 PM   #2
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This is my view: it took me around two years to fully adjust to having come out as gay, but I felt that adjustment was over once I could be myself anywhere without worrying what people might think, even at work - once you realise only a minority of people just aren't bothered, and that the rest are never happy about anything, the world around you becomes as "authentic" as it is supposed to be.

Either that, or move somewhere better.
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Old 03-01-2009, 11:17 PM   #3
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I'm Bi and fat it works for me.
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Old 03-02-2009, 02:06 AM   #4
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Sorry to hear that you are feeling down. It sucks that the world can be such an unkind place to anyone who is obviously different. Hang in there and remember that there are people who actually do appreciate your fat, your queerness and more. *hugs*

My struggles with my queer identity stem from my invisibility and the assumptions that come with it. I often have difficulty convincing enthusiastic straight guys and skeptical queer women that I am not interested in men at all. It is probably easier to let everyone think I am straight but that makes me uneasy; I feel the need to come out all the time and I think I try too hard to explain certain concepts to people who could care less. It humbles and saddens me whenever visibly queer women tell me I don't know anything about what they go through, and it makes me question the validity of my invisible privileged femme angst.

I feel that many queer women do not take me seriously because I am vocal about my unconventional preferences (I go crazy for submissive genderqueer people at least twice my size). Being in a relationship with a bio-male doesn't help either, but I think I ranted enough about that in the Bisexuality thread. The rejection and general negativity from my own community used to depress me but these days I won't hesitate to walk away from a pointless argument or to drop a friend who is clearly prejudiced, deliberately ignorant and judgemental. I guess a large part of it was acknowledging that it is not my responsibility to educate everyone and that there will always be people who will disagree no matter what.

I am most at ease when my queer identity is not being scrutinised. I find that gay men, straight women and other genderqueer folk to be more receptive to my musings about gender and sexuality. I also feel safe on Dims (especially on the GLBTQ board) as people seem more accepting of alternative sexualities and I can also connect with some of the (F)FAs and BDSMers here.
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Old 03-02-2009, 06:14 AM   #5
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Cors, you post gave me an 'a-ha' moment, thank you! I realize your experiences are similar to mine, in that we both have a complicated relationship to the lesbian community because of the disconnect between our outward appearance and our inward reality. Because I am not as authentically lesbian as my image suggests, I feel the same sorts of emotions that you speak of, and for me, that results in me not making a big deal, verbally, about my sexuality and gender. I wonder if that is why I live most of my life in the straight world, even as I have a strong queer community here in my home town to participate in should I choose to.

Thank you all for your comments, Dims people. I think for me the biggest issue is that because I choose my own preferences in terms of appearance over the dictates of society, it really lessens the pool of people who accept me as is. That is difficult. So, if I were to 'conform' more, I'd find more acceptance, but I'd be unhappy because I was repressing all this stuff that makes me feel better, but if I don't conform, I'm unhappy because there are less people who also appreciate the 'realer' me, if that makes sense?
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Old 03-03-2009, 12:48 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by butch View Post
Cors, you post gave me an 'a-ha' moment, thank you! I realize your experiences are similar to mine, in that we both have a complicated relationship to the lesbian community because of the disconnect between our outward appearance and our inward reality. Because I am not as authentically lesbian as my image suggests, I feel the same sorts of emotions that you speak of, and for me, that results in me not making a big deal, verbally, about my sexuality and gender.
My experience is also similar--I get assumed to be 120% lesbian, when I'm not exactly. I haven't been very interested in dating guys for several years, so the lesbian label would actually fit me well, but I don't really identify that way internally. My bisexual history is just much too strong, and I can't discount it, or say that I was making a mistake then or something. I really have had good heterosexual relationships. I don't feel like the "bi" label fits me very well either though. I really, really, really want to date women, not men. Around 95% of my fantasies are homosexual. I'm just beginning to feel accepted in the lesbian community, which I stayed away from for a long time. But sometimes I think most of that acceptance is just because I look like them.

My gender identity is kind of complicated, too. I'm not a transman, but I can relate to them. I really love it and feel very flattered when people relate to/acknowledge/validate my masculine side. I get so disconcerted when I get jewelry or makeup as gifts, even if it's "cool" makeup, like black or blue nail polish, which I will wear occasionally. I really wish somebody would give me a pocket knife or multi-tool. I'd be delighted if someone gave me a power drill, even if I don't really have a use for it. I absolutely love getting called "dude". I like the fact I have enough facial hair to shave it every day. I hate being treated socially feminine.

But I do like many 'typically feminine' things such as cooking, am not much into sports, not very macho, not an expert mechanic, etc. I'm mostly very gentle and soft-natured. I don't like to hide that side of myself either. I use female pronouns and pretty much think of myself as female. I still like my soft, curvy body, even if I don't dress it up in 'girl clothes' out in public. I'm pretty femme in bed, actually. I have a tough, assertive edge because I've had to to get by in the world, but I really don't like conflict. I don't want to have to act or look like the toughest, baddest butch on the block just to get my masculine side validated--that's just not me.

There's a lot of things about my sexuality and gender that I just don't like trying to explain to people, because it's too difficult.
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Old 03-06-2009, 01:36 PM   #7
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It makes perfect sense. If you change yourself and are accepted, then you are not actually being accepted at all. You know, i have met far too many chameliens on my travels; People taking on others personalities, people disguising who they are, people so afraid to be themselves that they would rather be someone else and never get to know if they could be really loved, for them. It can seem that everywhere you look people are running around hiding behind peacock feathers, afraid that their own colours just wont be enough. You are honest and truly you. Some people dont find the courage to allow themselves that their whole lives. You cant be anyone else, so why exhaust and sadden yourself to try. You are one of my favorite people on here;I knew this before i knew if you were male/female/gay/straight/bi and all the other 'words' people can be. I just knew your words were amazing, you are intelligent, compassionate and wonderful. Now i know more about your gender/sexuality this doesnt change. i still feel the same. If everyone was a skinny straight gender specific clone i would kill myself because of boredom. There is someone for everyone..this is something i know. I think this forum is a very positive space regarding different gender and sexuality identities..more so than many 'gay scenes' .. i think maby because of the Fa element too here people are generally more open to these differences.
i think i'm rambling now..I just want to say that i hope you feel better soon and if you need to talk things through you know we are all here for you, ever accepting of your wonderful self..
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Old 03-09-2009, 12:25 PM   #8
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I can be flaky sometimes in responding to people, and I feel doubly bad about it when people are being so nice to me, and giving me such useful advice. Someday I will reform.

You know, I look at myself in the mirror every day and I am happy with what I see. I am happy with who I am, but then I let the other voices start talking to me, the voices that make me compare, that make me fixate on what I don't have instead of what I do, and make me too afraid to fight off all the negativity that fat people and queers get in this society. When those voices hit, I am still too beholden to their point of view to let go of those ideas completely. Funny how if I could hermetically seal my brain from outside influences, I'd be one arrogant SOB, but because I can't, I'm not as confident, nor as successful, as I'd like to be.

Maybe I just need to look at myself in the mirror more often, and then I'd feel as invulnerable as Superman.
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Old 03-09-2009, 12:52 PM   #9
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As bad as this may sound, I deal with it just like I deal with being super fat in a thin world. I suck it up. Life can suck, but you just play with the cards you are dealt the best you can. I know that's not really helpful, but I'm feeling pretty shitty at the mo and that's the best I can do.
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Old 03-09-2009, 01:02 PM   #10
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I would say.. create your own world somehow. I dont feel the world is non-queer because everyone i surround myself is queer friendly. Then if i do happen to meet anyone who isnt queer friendly i get all my queer army to batter them!!
I'm not fat but i do have fat friends (on-line and in real life) and i wouldnt surround myself with any fatophobes either.
The world can be bitter, i think sometimes you have to work to scoop out a nice sweet slice..erm and mess up the cake a little too while your at it .. oh and share the nice bits... errrmm.. and THAT is where the metaphor ends.
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Old 03-09-2009, 01:03 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by BigBellySSBBW View Post
As bad as this may sound, I deal with it just like I deal with being super fat in a thin world. I suck it up. Life can suck, but you just play with the cards you are dealt the best you can. I know that's not really helpful, but I'm feeling pretty shitty at the mo and that's the best I can do.
I think you are very brave to deal with the world in that way missus. Not a lot of people can do that. You are still a porno queen though! lmao
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