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Old 03-08-2009, 01:12 PM   #1
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hmm.. ok i have to get this off my chest cause its something that has anoyed me in dims now quite a few times and it just happened again there. People (by which i mean immature boys) find the fact that i'm gay really amusing and sexualise it in an "Are you being served" inuendo way (though sometimes blatently too). By this i mean i could be having a serious non sex or sexuality related discussion and out of no-where someone will say "ooh err.. mer knows all about pussies " or "bet if i was a woman you would lick me wink wink".. Firstly, they wouldnt say the same to hetro guys and wouldnt get away with saying to hetro women "bet you would suck my big cock".. so why say stuff like that to me??
is it because my sexuality is amusing?
Is it because they think in a million years i would think "oh my..their sparkling wit has made me want to shag them"?
The thing is..i do find a lot of things funny and my sense of humour is pretty out there at times.. but i find this kinna nudge nudge wink wink sexuality humour really boring and pretty insulting..
My partner gets pretty anoyed by it too, as it is pretty disrespectful. Would they like it is some guy constantly said stuff like "ooh..you love cock dont you.. hehe".. hmm
Anyway, i doubt there is anything much to do about this except ignore it.. does anyone else get this?
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Old 03-08-2009, 01:33 PM   #2
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Happens to me pretty damn often. I am completely out and not at all ashamed of my sexuality, but I generally avoid talking about my sexuality and lesbian sex with most straight males for that reason. I find comments like that extremely disrespectful and most guys just act all amused when I call them out on their behavior and brand me a Stereotypical Evil Man-Hating Lesbian. If someone is being particularly annoying, hinting that he fails in bed or has a small penis usually shuts him up.

Separate rant: I hate how femme/femme pairings are seen as a joke and a turn-on by most men. The same horny, clueless men act all disgusted and threatened by my more butch partners. And oh, let's not forget the whole "lesbians are hawt, gay men are gross" thing.

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Old 03-08-2009, 01:42 PM   #3
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Mer im sorry you get this from the so called male members of the boards and I agree with you that it is uncalled for, but sadly in this day and age a lot of people think is is funny and acceptable behaviour.

It's something that you and anyone else should put up with.

Tell me who these posters are and I'll hunt them down and kick their asses lol.
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Old 03-08-2009, 02:12 PM   #4
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Mer im sorry you get this from the so called male members of the boards and I agree with you that it is uncalled for, but sadly in this day and age a lot of people think is is funny and acceptable behaviour.

It's something that you and anyone else should put up with.

Tell me who these posters are and I'll hunt them down and kick their asses lol.
Hmm..maby i should name n shame! lmao. Think i will post this and hopefully they will take the hint!
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Old 03-08-2009, 02:17 PM   #5
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Happens to me pretty damn often. I am completely out and not at all ashamed of my sexuality, but I generally avoid talking about my sexuality and lesbian sex with most straight males for that reason. I find comments like that extremely disrespectful and most guys just act all amused when I call them out on their behavior and brand me a Stereotypical Evil Man-Hating Lesbian. If someone is being particularly annoying, hinting that he fails in bed or has a small penis usually shuts him up.

Separate rant: I hate how femme/femme pairings are seen as a joke and a turn-on by most men. The same horny, clueless men act all disgusted and threatened by my more butch partners. And oh, let's not forget the whole "lesbians are hawt, gay men are gross" thing.
Yeah, your right. I have experienced this from both sides, as when i was younger i was butch for a wee while and am pretty femme now. Well more femme anyway. I think the males that dont take 'femmes' seriously feel that they are like pretend lesbians or something. I think the 'butch phobia' comes from fear that a woman is competition to them and there is nothing they can do to convert them and they dont want to fuck them because they represent masculinity to them. I hate the idea that there are people who place value on others only if they would/could fuck them and everyone else is a joke/threat. baws!
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Old 03-08-2009, 02:24 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by mergirl View Post
hmm.. ok i have to get this off my chest cause its something that has anoyed me in dims now quite a few times and it just happened again there. People (by which i mean immature boys) find the fact that i'm gay really amusing and sexualise it in an "Are you being served" inuendo way (though sometimes blatently too). By this i mean i could be having a serious non sex or sexuality related discussion and out of no-where someone will say "ooh err.. mer knows all about pussies " or "bet if i was a woman you would lick me wink wink".. Firstly, they wouldnt say the same to hetro guys and wouldnt get away with saying to hetro women "bet you would suck my big cock".. so why say stuff like that to me??
is it because my sexuality is amusing?
Is it because they think in a million years i would think "oh my..their sparkling wit has made me want to shag them"?
The thing is..i do find a lot of things funny and my sense of humour is pretty out there at times.. but i find this kinna nudge nudge wink wink sexuality humour really boring and pretty insulting..
My partner gets pretty anoyed by it too, as it is pretty disrespectful. Would they like it is some guy constantly said stuff like "ooh..you love cock dont you.. hehe".. hmm
Anyway, i doubt there is anything much to do about this except ignore it.. does anyone else get this?
Part of this, I'm sure, is that sexual orientation is sexual in itself, by definition.
That is, mentioning your sexual orientation is mentioning that you have a sexual orientation and therefore sexual desires.
Heterosexual orientation is assumed as the default, so heterosexuals seldom have to discuss or publicly acknowlege their sexual desires except when they wish to do so.

This is slightly, though significantly, different from the issue as it relates to heterosexual FAs/FFAs. Again, those preferences aren't defined in sexual terms and announcing them doesn't automatically reveal that "OMG U Think About Teh Seks11Eleventy-one!!!" (at least, any more so than mentioning one likes redheads or tall people does).

That said, for civil people it's a bit of a stretch to go from hearing someone mention their sexual orientation to assuming they want to discuss intimate matters with you -- let alone engage in them with you (particularly if you happen to be the wrong gender)! For sociopaths and the immature... not so much, unfortunately.

-Rusty

Last edited by CleverBomb; 03-08-2009 at 02:26 PM. Reason: proofreading: sentance termination follows parenthetical statements except when the entire sentance is parenthetical.
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Old 03-08-2009, 02:44 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by CleverBomb View Post
Part of this, I'm sure, is that sexual orientation is sexual in itself, by definition.
That is, mentioning your sexual orientation is mentioning that you have a sexual orientation and therefore sexual desires.
Heterosexual orientation is assumed as the default, so heterosexuals seldom have to discuss or publicly acknowlege their sexual desires except when they wish to do so.

This is slightly, though significantly, different from the issue as it relates to heterosexual FAs/FFAs. Again, those preferences aren't defined in sexual terms and announcing them doesn't automatically reveal that "OMG U Think About Teh Seks11Eleventy-one!!!" (at least, any more so than mentioning one likes redheads or tall people does).

That said, for civil people it's a bit of a stretch to go from hearing someone mention their sexual orientation to assuming they want to discuss intimate matters with you -- let alone engage in them with you (particularly if you happen to be the wrong gender)! For sociopaths and the immature... not so much, unfortunately.

-Rusty
But if this was the case we would all just be talking and thinking about sex all the time whether the prefix to sexual was 'homo' hetro' or 'bi'.
I have never even thought about saying to a hetrosexual woman "oh you love a bit of cock dont you" meerly because i KNEW she liked men. That would be so simmian, crude, pointless and immature. So why is it ok when guys realise i'm a lesbian to say stuff like "oh mer likes pussy".. I dont think definition explains that..immaturity?..possibly.
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Old 03-08-2009, 04:31 PM   #8
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And oh, let's not forget the whole "lesbians are hawt, gay men are gross" thing.
This happens all the time. I know a significant number of people at my school who say this kind of stuff, and some of them even go as far as to say they are 'straight allies' but only for lesbians, not for gay guys. I know of one example right now, a guy was wearing a shirt for the Day of Silence last year and one of my friends asked him if he really supported homosexuals and he replied with this "Only if it's girls" with like a stupid smile or something. My friend was disgusted. If thinking about lesbians gets you off and thinking about gay men disgusts you, you are NOT a supporter, sorry. You can't pick and choose. I wish some people would just grow up already.
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Old 03-08-2009, 06:53 PM   #9
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I wonder if this happens more to lesbians or queer chicks than it does to gay men? because I've certainly had this happen to me a lot. Interesting topic, merchyck!
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Old 03-08-2009, 07:05 PM   #10
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next time someone says that to you ...they better watch out!
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Old 03-08-2009, 07:23 PM   #11
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I wonder if this happens more to lesbians or queer chicks than it does to gay men? because I've certainly had this happen to me a lot. Interesting topic, merchyck!
Helloo my old friend..lovely to see you here. How cool that we have a wee queer comunity eh?
canny wait to catch up with you missus.
x
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Old 03-08-2009, 08:35 PM   #12
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As a straight guy who acted like that when I was in Jr. High, I can say in my instance it was immaturity, insecurity, immaturity, curiosity, immaturity, tittilation, and a bit of immaturity thrown in.

Also, guys are kinda dumb. I think much of the talking is a clumsy way of getting answers to questions they're not comfortable asking directly. That, and some guys just really can't grasp that there are some women who have no interest at all in men.
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Old 03-08-2009, 08:58 PM   #13
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You have to just look over people like that they just don't get it.
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Old 03-08-2009, 09:55 PM   #14
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But if this was the case we would all just be talking and thinking about sex all the time whether the prefix to sexual was 'homo' hetro' or 'bi'.
I have never even thought about saying to a hetrosexual woman "oh you love a bit of cock dont you" meerly because i KNEW she liked men. That would be so simmian, crude, pointless and immature. So why is it ok when guys realise i'm a lesbian to say stuff like "oh mer likes pussy".. I dont think definition explains that..immaturity?..possibly.
That's not the point.
Everybody is either thinking about it or not thinking about it, regardless.

And I didn't say it was ok to launch into uninvited discussion of intimate matters, regardless of orientation. It's not.

What I was trying to get at is that some people with very poor social skills mistakenly read into a statement of sexual orientation (even secondhand), a presumption that discussion of sex is already on the agenda.

The parallel might be a heterosexual woman repeatedly announcing in conversation, "I"m sexually atrracted to men," or having it known that she says that often. Because that sort of thing is usually left unspoken (since it's assumed to be the case, it doesn't need to be said), mentioning it at all has connotations.

In the case of discussing same-gender attraction, it shouldn't have those connotations. Specifically, it should be functionally equivalent to stating one's own gender. Unfortunately, some people -- the uncivil ones -- think it does. If they're fortunate, reality will slap them metaphorically before someone does so literally.

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Old 03-09-2009, 06:55 AM   #15
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But if this was the case we would all just be talking and thinking about sex all the time whether the prefix to sexual was 'homo' hetro' or 'bi'.
Ummmm, you were talking about young males, right? So yah, no 'if' required in that sentence in their case for the most part.....which probably explains some of the rest of what you are experiencing with them. Doesn't excuse it, it is still rude, crude, and uncalled for. But I think it does make a certain amount of sense in a testosterone-poisoned sort of way.
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Old 03-09-2009, 07:02 AM   #16
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Ummmm, you were talking about young males, right? So yah, no 'if' required in that sentence in their case for the most part.....which probably explains some of the rest of what you are experiencing with them. Doesn't excuse it, it is still rude, crude, and uncalled for. But I think it does make a certain amount of sense in a testosterone-poisoned sort of way.
Indeed. Pubecence has a lot to answer for. Though, i dont see why i should feel bad or made to feel my sexuality is a joke until beavis and butheads' balls drop!
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Old 03-09-2009, 07:46 AM   #17
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As a mod, let me say that I'd urge anyone who gets unwanted sexual comments from other posters to report those posts immediately. If you don't know how to report a post, let me know, and I'll explain. If these comments are happening in chat, let the chat ops know. That sort of behavior is not condoned here at Dimensions, and when I've seen that type of attitude in the past here, it seems to cut across sexuality labels. Whether it is peculiar to the male species, I don't know, but anyone of any gender or sexuality should not feel like they have to put up with demeaning sexual banter of any kind.
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Old 03-09-2009, 08:30 AM   #18
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As a mod, let me say that I'd urge anyone who gets unwanted sexual comments from other posters to report those posts immediately. If you don't know how to report a post, let me know, and I'll explain. If these comments are happening in chat, let the chat ops know. That sort of behavior is not condoned here at Dimensions, and when I've seen that type of attitude in the past here, it seems to cut across sexuality labels. Whether it is peculiar to the male species, I don't know, but anyone of any gender or sexuality should not feel like they have to put up with demeaning sexual banter of any kind.
Right. You know, i think there is defo some give and take and also context is very important. If i am having a discussion about sex i expect that people can talk about my sexuality too of course, as respectfully as i would theirs. Also i dont mind joking around with people i know, to an extent, by which i mean, i would hate it if people felt they had to 'pussyfoot' around me (i bet there will be a throng of butheads dying to make a comment there!). What i wont accept is someone who doesnt know me, has not had any other interaction with me on the boards then when i'm commenting on a picture of someones cat for them to suddenly jump out of the woodwork and say "haha.. you love pussies" or something like that. That was just an example but stuff like that is kinna jarring.
I like to think i have an open minded sense of humour but i think it can sap at your energies a bit if you feel open to ridicule in such a purile way, its reminicant of bullying at times. In saying that, i think there is a time and a place but if you cant distinguish when jokes like that are appropriate maby you just shouldnt make them at all.
i hope this doesnt sound contradictory but actually it is quite confusing. On one hand, i dont like to berate people who innocently are having a joke and dont mean to offend anyone but on the other hand i have felt angry, sad, anoyed, ridiculed by these so called 'jokes' so i thought i would mention it..
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Old 03-09-2009, 08:34 AM   #19
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Indeed. Pubecence has a lot to answer for. Though, i dont see why i should feel bad or made to feel my sexuality is a joke until beavis and butheads' balls drop!
You shouldn't be made to fee bad. Then again, what is going on in their heads is very, very, little about you. Unfortunately, no matter how much what they do may impact you, I'd guess that in most cases they've really not thought at all about how you'd feel.

Also, just to say, it is not so much pubescence that is the issue, most guys at that age won't do much more that nudge and giggle. It is the raging testosterone years, from say mid-teens to mid-twenties, where guys usually end up being the most crazy. That is the age where the most crime is committed, countries with high populations of single males in that age range have much higher odds of ending up in a war or with social instability, and yah it is when they'll say and do almost anything that keeps the testosterone flowing. (or in some cases: to avoid those situations where they think they'll take a further hit).

On the other hand, it is the age where some of the most creative art comes out of guys, and before science got so arcane that you spent that whole period mostly just learning, when a lot of people did their most creative work. Being more creative, or more brilliant, or proving everyone wrong, make for a good pay-off too. But in a world with few wolves to fight, few wars to be fought, few long term relationships formed in those age ranges, and generally little chance to prove oneself an independent and valued adult at those ages, I think that competitive/sexual over-drive is more harmful than helpful. If we could find a way to more productively channel it, I think we'd have a happier, safer, and more productive society.
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Old 03-09-2009, 08:42 AM   #20
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It can be a delicate line to negotiate here, since it is a website that is not about being demure when it comes to discussions of sex and sexuality, and sometimes we have to put up with the crude and selfish as well as the mature and considerate when we least expect it.

I'm all for giving it back when I get it online, though, so I hope no one is afraid or hesitant to speak up when they encounter such boorish behavior. Sometimes the offender gets it, and sometimes they don't. That is the beauty and the curse of the internet, ain't it?

If you want to report specific posts to me, mer, let me know, OK?
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Old 03-09-2009, 08:45 AM   #21
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lol. right. Ok, i guess i'll take a hit for the science and art trade off! Though one more pussy joke and i shall stuff a bunsen burner somewhere around their lower digestive tract. How come girls can be creative and scientific without the need to make jokes about gay men liking cock?
I have known and worked with a lot of male musicians in their 20's, many of which have gone on to become very successful in their field of work, all of which knew about my sexuality and none made purile jokes at my expense. If they did then i just wouldnt have worked with them. I think perhaps its the ones who dont actuallly have another outlet that are the ones who's hormones take them over. Who knows. I dont take it in real life so i thought i would mention its something that anoys me here.
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Old 03-09-2009, 08:51 AM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by butch View Post
It can be a delicate line to negotiate here, since it is a website that is not about being demure when it comes to discussions of sex and sexuality, and sometimes we have to put up with the crude and selfish as well as the mature and considerate when we least expect it.

I'm all for giving it back when I get it online, though, so I hope no one is afraid or hesitant to speak up when they encounter such boorish behavior. Sometimes the offender gets it, and sometimes they don't. That is the beauty and the curse of the internet, ain't it?

If you want to report specific posts to me, mer, let me know, OK?
Its ok. Tis handled. Ive expressed my boundaries now so hopefully it will be something i wont have to experience again here. I have already had a pm apology (which actually was unnecessary but appreciated). The other offender which springs to mind probs doesnt even know he's doing it even though ive told him off in the past..ironically when he chatted with me on msgr he was shy, polite, and had nothing much of interest to say.
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