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Old 03-22-2009, 07:11 PM   #1
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Default Asexuality

As some of you know, my current partner is asexual (gender-neutral too but identifies as male for the convenience). I consider myself open-minded and aware of most sexualities, but I cannot help but find the absence of sexuality rather disconcerting.

He also identifies as heterosexual. He enjoys typically feminine traits and finds the female body aesthetically appealing but it doesn't turn him on. Nothing does. This is something I struggle to grasp because I have always assumed that asexuality is an absence of sexual orientation as well as desire.

He has no sex drive whatsoever and does not even like the idea of masturbation. He says he has never felt the urge to do it at all, even when he just hit puberty. It could well be a lack of testosterone since he has minimal body hair, an androgynous look and voice but I am not quite sure. He does not agree with what he perceives to be the current world view of sexuality; he thinks it is empty, pointless and unneccessarily restrictive so he shuts it all out. Porn, erotica and the like elicits nothing but mild amusement and disgust. He is, however, somewhat more receptive to the idea of lovemaking in the context of a long-term romantic relationship but this is not something he actively pursues. In fact, he expresses a complete disregard for his own physical pleasure but would do it to please a partner and that he derives some sort of fulfilment from that.

He is pretty apathetic about his sexuality and doesn't get why I am so intrigued by it. It doesn't actually affect us but I guess I am just curious about alternative sexualities in general. I feel guilty about probing him too much though because I don't particularly enjoy others questioning my sexuality. I don't think I will ever understand it completely, but I am beginning to see it as a stable, legitimate orientation.

What does asexuality mean to you? Do any of you (1% of the population, apparently) actually identify as asexual? How does it affect your relationships?
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Old 03-22-2009, 07:23 PM   #2
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I'm super interested to hear more about this as asexuality ended the most important romantic relationship I've had in my life.

I personally couldn't wrap my mind or lifestyle around it, but I still find it interesting as my ex is still a big part of my life.
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Old 03-22-2009, 07:53 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by Lucky View Post
I'm super interested to hear more about this as asexuality ended the most important romantic relationship I've had in my life.

I personally couldn't wrap my mind or lifestyle around it, but I still find it interesting as my ex is still a big part of my life.
Sorry to hear about your relationship.

I don't think I could sustain a relationship with an asexual person I am sexually attracted to and have sizzling physical chemistry with, so I guess I am somewhat fortunate. My partner is generous with cuddles and verbal assurance, which is usually enough to quell my intimacy needs.

I lurk on Apositive and AVEN. I find the relationships and sexuality forums quite fascinating.
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Old 03-22-2009, 08:10 PM   #4
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Sorry to hear about your relationship.

I don't think I could sustain a relationship with an asexual person I am sexually attracted to and have sizzling physical chemistry with, so I guess I am somewhat fortunate. My partner is generous with cuddles and verbal assurance, which is usually enough to quell my intimacy needs.

I lurk on Apositive and AVEN. I find the relationships and sexuality forums quite fascinating.
Thanks. I'm over it now and I have a really great bf that makes me very happy.

The ex is really great and while he desires companionship (talking, hugs, etc.), sex was out of the question. Kinda hard to make babies and keep the kind of relations I need to feel fulfilled.

I'll check out those sites. They look interesting.
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Old 03-23-2009, 05:25 AM   #5
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I was wondering if asexuality would come up. I watched a documentary about this the other night. There were three people and i only actually considered one of them asexual. The one i did think was asexual had absolutely no attraction to anyone or anything and did not get turned on. She met someone from Australia who was apparently another asexual person but when they met he talked about being turned on when cuddling up to a woman. I know people should be able to define in whatever way they see fit but the other person on the documentary i really wouldnt describe as 'asexual'; she just didnt like the act of sex, she thought it was disgusting but she had been turned on in the past.
I wonder if you are asexual then it matters which gender your partner is.. or if you can be hetroasexual or homoasexual. Do you know what i mean? Perhaps some asexual people identify with the gay or straight lifestyle or identity more.
I know i could never be in a relationship with someone who was asexual because it would be really disrespectful of them that i would always be trying to seduce them obviously to no avail and also too frustrating for me. Maby i place too much importance on sex but i just know if i couldnt have it i would become obsessed with having it!
I dont know anyone who is asexual though i do know people who are not very sexual, though obviously this is very different.
i find it really hard to imagine having nothing turn me on. I would like to find out more though.
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Old 03-23-2009, 05:41 AM   #6
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There've been times in my life when I've felt nearly asexual. Usually, these periods have accompanied self-imposed celibacy for whatever reasons. The lack of interest in sex has lasted about a year on these occasions, and at some point my interest has resurfaced. The last time this happened was when I ended a destructive-abusive relationship several years ago. At other times, it's been motivated by the need to tend to other areas of my life--for instance, I went through a stint with depression about a decade ago, after my father passed away from complications of alcoholism. Depression, conventional medical wisdom holds, can often cause a person to lose interest in sex.

I'm not sure that these episodes are equal in character to that experienced by your partner, Cors. If he's healthy and happy, it's probably a completely different animal. My bouts with asexuality had to do mostly with my "checking out" of my life in order to take care of myself. On the other hand, I will say that early on in my adult life, when I was perfectly content and healthy, I did sometimes feel that I was asexual and could live happily without sex for the rest of my life. My feelings changed later, and I definitely view myself as a sexual being now, but there was a time when I was very young when I experienced occasional feelings of being asexual.

I don't know if any of that makes sense at all. lol
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Old 03-23-2009, 06:17 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by Fascinita View Post
There've been times in my life when I've felt nearly asexual. Usually, these periods have accompanied self-imposed celibacy for whatever reasons. The lack of interest in sex has lasted about a year on these occasions, and at some point my interest has resurfaced. The last time this happened was when I ended a destructive-abusive relationship several years ago. At other times, it's been motivated by the need to tend to other areas of my life--for instance, I went through a stint with depression about a decade ago, after my father passed away from complications of alcoholism. Depression, conventional medical wisdom holds, can often cause a person to lose interest in sex.

I'm not sure that these episodes are equal in character to that experienced by your partner, Cors. If he's healthy and happy, it's probably a completely different animal. My bouts with asexuality had to do mostly with my "checking out" of my life in order to take care of myself. On the other hand, I will say that early on in my adult life, when I was perfectly content and healthy, I did sometimes feel that I was asexual and could live happily without sex for the rest of my life. My feelings changed later, and I definitely view myself as a sexual being now, but there was a time when I was very young when I experienced occasional feelings of being asexual.

I don't know if any of that makes sense at all. lol
This actually makes perfect sense. I think there have been times in my past where i have forced myself to be sexual because of sociatal/peer pressure or because imagined it was the correct thing to do/what people wanted. I think this is quite sad when i look back on it really. I can maby count on one hand the amount of sexual partners i have really wanted and enjoyed to be with. I definiatly think a certain amount of depression, like you was the reasons for my 'nonsexual' feelings though i didnt stop having sex. I think the difference between periods of feeling nonsexual and asexuality is that in most of the cases the 'nonsexual' might have had past feelings of sexuality and will again feel them in the future. It might be life happenings that are affecting sex drive, such as berievement, depression, substance abuse etc. Like you say, i think the 'asexual' person is a different breed: Someone who cannot and does not relate to sexuality in anyway.
I just realised when i was writing this that talking about feeling 'unsexual' is actually more difficult/embarresing? than talking about being sexual. It must be very difficult for those who are asexual because the media and most people seem to be obsessed with sex;It is everywhere from tv shows about people looking for sex to adverts using sex to sell a product. I also wonder if there is a hormonal/neurological reason for asexuality or whether i am just thinking non-holistically and medically when it may be something fundimental and/or inate. Maby there is some evolutionary reson for asexuality?. Think i would defo like to read up more about this..but i need to get back to learning about 'temperament embedding and social relationships!' lol. So if you ever want advice on that just ask.. as for anything else.. i really dont have a clue! x
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Old 03-23-2009, 07:36 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by Fascinita View Post
There've been times in my life when I've felt nearly asexual. Usually, these periods have accompanied self-imposed celibacy for whatever reasons. The lack of interest in sex has lasted about a year on these occasions, and at some point my interest has resurfaced. ...snip...
I don't know if any of that makes sense at all. lol
This makes perfect sense to me also as I once was celibate for two years. At first few months by choice; later I simply had no desire to be so bothered. Like you, it did return (in the form of the man I would eventually marry).

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...snip...
I think the difference between periods of feeling nonsexual and asexuality is that in most of the cases the 'nonsexual' might have had past feelings of sexuality and will again feel them in the future. It might be life happenings that are affecting sex drive, such as berievement, depression, substance abuse etc. Like you say, i think the 'asexual' person is a different breed: Someone who cannot and does not relate to sexuality in anyway.

...snip...

I also wonder if there is a hormonal/neurological reason for asexuality or whether i am just thinking non-holistically and medically when it may be something fundimental and/or inate. Maby there is some evolutionary reson for asexuality?. Think i would defo like to read up more about this..but i need to get back to learning about 'temperament embedding and social relationships!' lol. So if you ever want advice on that just ask.. as for anything else.. i really dont have a clue! x
[B][I][COLOR="Indigo"]I fully agreed with your definition/interpretation of nonsexual vs asexual Mergirl.

I admit when I was younger I used to wonder the same thing about hormonal etc reasons for it. After all, if there were medical reasons that means it can be "fixed" right?. Eventually, I realized the line of thought automatically inferred an asexual was somehow broken, which to me is as insulting as those who think any sexuality other than hetero can be equally fixed. Though I guess in some circles asexuality would be preferable to the others.
I don't know about asexuality as an evolutionary step (seem to me it would be one serious drop in the human population over time), I think it just is.
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Old 03-23-2009, 07:43 AM   #9
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This makes perfect sense to me also as I once was celibate for two years. At first few months by choice; later I simply had no desire to be so bothered. Like you, it did return (in the form of the man I would eventually marry).



[B][I][COLOR="Indigo"]I fully agreed with your definition/interpretation of nonsexual vs asexual Mergirl.

I admit when I was younger I used to wonder the same thing about hormonal etc reasons for it. After all, if there were medical reasons that means it can be "fixed" right?. Eventually, I realized the line of thought automatically inferred an asexual was somehow broken, which to me is as insulting as those who think any sexuality other than hetero can be equally fixed. Though I guess in some circles asexuality would be preferable to the others.
I don't know about asexuality as an evolutionary step (seem to me it would be one serious drop in the human population over time), I think it just is.
Yeah, i ment more for population control than breeding when i talked about something evolutionary. Like its a reaction to 'too many people'! lol Though, i know what you mean.
I like your explaination best- "It just is."
I think we are always trying to define ourselves and find meanings in everything, like just to be us and to be happy isnt quite enough somehow. Think its best to leave all the working out to the scientists and we can just enjoy our sexuality or lack of one!
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Old 03-23-2009, 09:48 AM   #10
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I was wondering if asexuality would come up. I watched a documentary about this the other night. There were three people and i only actually considered one of them asexual. The one i did think was asexual had absolutely no attraction to anyone or anything and did not get turned on. She met someone from Australia who was apparently another asexual person but when they met he talked about being turned on when cuddling up to a woman. I know people should be able to define in whatever way they see fit but the other person on the documentary i really wouldnt describe as 'asexual'; she just didnt like the act of sex, she thought it was disgusting but she had been turned on in the past.
Asexuality is defined as any or more of the three - lack of sex drive, lack of sexual attraction to others and lack of interest in romantic relationships. The last one is apparently quite rare, since most asexuals seek out relationships for other reasons, even shallow ones. There are also some self-identified asexuals who do have a sex drive, but it is not directed at anyone and while they might masturbate, they have no interest in sexual activity with another person. I don't know if I would consider such a person asexual either.

Quote:
I wonder if you are asexual then it matters which gender your partner is.. or if you can be hetroasexual or homoasexual. Do you know what i mean? Perhaps some asexual people identify with the gay or straight lifestyle or identity more.
My partner enjoys feminine traits (eg. long hair) and female companionship, which is why he identifies as heterosexual even though he doesn't relate to other straight guys at all. He also dislikes anything that is typically male, especially how males sexualise women and while he often curls up happily on the couch with my gay friends, the idea of kissing a guy or even a butch woman turns him off. He enjoys cuddling me, if only because he loves and cares for me and he would feel violated if a random girl hugs him.

Quote:
I know i could never be in a relationship with someone who was asexual because it would be really disrespectful of them that i would always be trying to seduce them obviously to no avail and also too frustrating for me. Maby i place too much importance on sex but i just know if i couldnt have it i would become obsessed with having it!
I would feel the same way as you if he changes sex and gains 200 pounds overnight. I do get all hot and bothered once in a while and take it out on him occasionally - wrestling, pinning him down, kisses, bites, scratches and the like.

Quote:
I dont know anyone who is asexual though i do know people who are not very sexual, though obviously this is very different.
i find it really hard to imagine having nothing turn me on. I would like to find out more though.
Hmmm, I still think that the world is a little too sexualised, so much that people who have a naturally low sex drive but are not asexual may be considered such by others and be made to feel abnormal.

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Originally Posted by Fascinita View Post
There've been times in my life when I've felt nearly asexual. Usually, these periods have accompanied self-imposed celibacy for whatever reasons. The lack of interest in sex has lasted about a year on these occasions, and at some point my interest has resurfaced. The last time this happened was when I ended a destructive-abusive relationship several years ago. At other times, it's been motivated by the need to tend to other areas of my life--for instance, I went through a stint with depression about a decade ago, after my father passed away from complications of alcoholism. Depression, conventional medical wisdom holds, can often cause a person to lose interest in sex.

I'm not sure that these episodes are equal in character to that experienced by your partner, Cors. If he's healthy and happy, it's probably a completely different animal. My bouts with asexuality had to do mostly with my "checking out" of my life in order to take care of myself. On the other hand, I will say that early on in my adult life, when I was perfectly content and healthy, I did sometimes feel that I was asexual and could live happily without sex for the rest of my life. My feelings changed later, and I definitely view myself as a sexual being now, but there was a time when I was very young when I experienced occasional feelings of being asexual.

I don't know if any of that makes sense at all. lol
It makes sense to me too! I agree with Mer's definition of nonsexual and asexual.

I am in somewhat non-sexual phase too. My past relationships have always been based on sexual attraction and chemistry, which is probably why they all failed. I find the break refreshing, because we actually spend time outside of bed, but there is no telling how long it will last. My natural sex drive seems to have dipped if only because my partner doesn't trigger it. I really appreciate having the freedom to work through some of my old abuse issues with no pressure at all. Even if I have an understanding but sexual partner who doesn't pressure me or get frustrated, I will probably still obliged to satisfy her.

He is relatively healthy, happy, has no traumatic history that might explain his condition and has felt this way for as long as he can remember. We have been together for over a year now and things have not changed, so I don't think it is about about lacking love and safety either.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mergirl
I just realised when i was writing this that talking about feeling 'unsexual' is actually more difficult/embarresing? than talking about being sexual. It must be very difficult for those who are asexual because the media and most people seem to be obsessed with sex;It is everywhere from tv shows about people looking for sex to adverts using sex to sell a product. I also wonder if there is a hormonal/neurological reason for asexuality or whether i am just thinking non-holistically and medically when it may be something fundimental and/or inate. Maby there is some evolutionary reson for asexuality?. Think i would defo like to read up more about this..but i need to get back to learning about 'temperament embedding and social relationships!' lol. So if you ever want advice on that just ask.. as for anything else.. i really dont have a clue! x
I agree that asexuality somehow feels more awkward and embarrassing. I hardly ever hear about asexuality, even in GLBTQ communities. I also wonder if queer people and asexuals have anything in common besides not being typically heterosexual.
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Old 03-23-2009, 10:19 AM   #11
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Cors..i am really crappy at multiquoting within actual posts, so i shall just ramble on a bit!
I was going to ask.. can someone who has a lack of sexual desire really be defined as 'asexual'? Because loss or lack of sexual desire seems to be something transient. I guess an example might be someone not eating meat for a week defining themselves as vegitarian.
I think asexuality is something i have a really hard time grasping, though i accept it fully of course. I have a hard time imagining how a sexual person could be in a relationship with someone who was asexual and have their needs met. I guess i would quantify this relationship as a really strong friendship (Although i know that love and relationships cannot be so easily quantified). I guess it would be like me having a relationships with a skinny guy, i guess i might not want to have sex with him because i possibly wouldnt be attracted to him, i think however i would be forever yearning to be sexual with someone i did find attractive. I'm not knocking a solid relationship based on friendship and i dont think a relationship can survive being built just on sex or passion. I imagine though that the best sorts of relationships might have aspects of both. I can understand if both partners are asexual though..i can totally see how that works.
Do you think being dominant is a factor in your relationship working? As asexuality being almost like the purest form of submission? Maby i'm totally off track. Also, you really dont have to explain your sexuality or your relationship to me or anyone.. only if you want to.
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Old 03-23-2009, 10:34 AM   #12
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I'm glad you started this thread, Cors.

When I was in high school, I defined myself under the umbrella term of "asexual" because I didn't want to have sex with anyone. I felt sexual attraction to men, but I didn't want to engage in sex. Masturbation was enough, and it was the only form of sexual expression I could muster. I might find someone sexually aesthetically pleasing, but I wasn't sexually interested. The fantasy is enough, meaning my sex drive would pretty much disappear if the person I was fantasizing about actually wanted to have sex with me. I don't know if that makes any sense.

Take my current situation. I now consider myself to be a sexual person. But I am enamored with a man that I feel no sexual attraction (partially due to the fact that this "relationship" is strictly Internet and I've seen maybe 2-3 pictures of him in the 5 years we've known each other as friends). I am, however, highly intellectually and emotionally attracted to him. And I have very good reason to believe that he doesn't feel sexual towards me either. I just don't see us in a sexual relationship, but I suppose meeting him in person would ascertain whether or not I will have some kind of attraction to him (I'm gonna have to think this one out more, so I could better explain myself). For the record, I am no longer interested in maintaining a strong friendship with him. I am very much interested in having a romantic relationship.

Btw, I'm familiar with AVEN and thanks for linking it. Might have to pop in there and re-read it.
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Old 03-23-2009, 10:54 AM   #13
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I might find someone sexually aesthetically pleasing, but I wasn't sexually interested. The fantasy is enough, meaning my sex drive would pretty much disappear if the person I was fantasizing about actually wanted to have sex with me. I don't know if that makes any sense.

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This makes a lot of sense. I used to get this feeling when i was 'attracted' to thin women. I could think about them sexually, meaning in a sexual situation, i could be very attracted to them intellectually and emotionally but when it came down to actual sex i was just never really all there. I didnt feel sexual. I think this was really confusing for me and i'm really glad i incorporated 'FA' into my sexuality schema.. cause that makes sense and it makes me a sexual being. This was a learning process though. Because i can be emotionally, intellectually and spiritually linked with male and female i used to find it strange that sexually i was not. I was not a 'closet fa' but someone who had to learn what was sexually exciting via a process..hmm of ellimination (if you will lol).
I have a friend who was a virgin until into her mid twenties and she had feelings of sexuality but when it came to actual sex she just couldnt be turned on..she realised she had insecurity issues which basically made her turn herself off and when she met the guy who was pretty much perfect for her this changed.
I think there can be a lot of reasons for periods of being non sexual especially when you are still trying to work out your sexuality in the first place. (i dont just mean gender orientation..i mean your personal sexuality).
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Old 03-23-2009, 06:00 PM   #14
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I was going to ask.. can someone who has a lack of sexual desire really be defined as 'asexual'? Because loss or lack of sexual desire seems to be something transient. I guess an example might be someone not eating meat for a week defining themselves as vegitarian.
I don't know, I suppose I could accept that they are indeed asexual if the lack of desire is permanent and not linked to medical or mental issues. However, I generally associate asexuality with a complete lack of sex drive, lack of interest in romantic relationships optional.

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I think asexuality is something i have a really hard time grasping, though i accept it fully of course. I have a hard time imagining how a sexual person could be in a relationship with someone who was asexual and have their needs met. I guess i would quantify this relationship as a really strong friendship (Although i know that love and relationships cannot be so easily quantified). I guess it would be like me having a relationships with a skinny guy, i guess i might not want to have sex with him because i possibly wouldnt be attracted to him, i think however i would be forever yearning to be sexual with someone i did find attractive. I'm not knocking a solid relationship based on friendship and i dont think a relationship can survive being built just on sex or passion. I imagine though that the best sorts of relationships might have aspects of both. I can understand if both partners are asexual though..i can totally see how that works.
Asexuals seem to seek partners who are asexual or have a lower sex drive, but many just choose to engage in sexual activity to please their partners. My relationship is strange, we are great friends with no sexual interest in each other but the love, romance, some sort of passion and emotional possessiveness sets it apart from friendship. Others are shocked when they find out that we have an asexual relationship because we are so affectionate and loving towards each other. As for my physical needs, well, I am allowed to be sexual with someone I find attractive. I have no issues with open relationships, but I don't quite like the idea of having sex with or engaging in BDSM play with other people these days. Not sure how things are going to change if and when I do get my sex drive back. I highly doubt that I will ever leave him for a woman, if only because I am immensely attracted to him in every other way and am too accustomed to the stability.

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Do you think being dominant is a factor in your relationship working? As asexuality being almost like the purest form of submission? Maby i'm totally off track. Also, you really dont have to explain your sexuality or your relationship to me or anyone.. only if you want to.
xmer
Hmm I never thought about it that way but you do have a point. I was quite intimidated by the sexual appetites my exes had. They were extremely into the sexual part of BDSM but I am more into the psychological. I did wish that they are submissive and masochistic but asexual (ie. content with serving me or enjoying a spanking session without begging for sexual gratification), since it can get tiring pandering to their whims all the time and they were pretty demanding. My partner is not exactly masochistic or submissive, but I actually feel more fulfilled in some ways. He is more aware and eager to please since he does not get distracted by his own desire (satisfies the part of me that enjoys servitude), likes being restrained, bitten, marked and scratched (satisfies my sadistic side) and often rests in my arms like a baby (satisfies the nurturing instinct). If I do desire sexual gratification (rare), he is happy to oblige but he doesn't ever seek it so I can get to be in control without ever worrying about teasing or depriving him.

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I'm glad you started this thread, Cors.

When I was in high school, I defined myself under the umbrella term of "asexual" because I didn't want to have sex with anyone. I felt sexual attraction to men, but I didn't want to engage in sex. Masturbation was enough, and it was the only form of sexual expression I could muster. I might find someone sexually aesthetically pleasing, but I wasn't sexually interested. The fantasy is enough, meaning my sex drive would pretty much disappear if the person I was fantasizing about actually wanted to have sex with me. I don't know if that makes any sense.
I understand it somewhat, though it is because of my issues with sex and intimacy. Fantasies are safe, but actual sex without detachment or some element of power and control involved used to scare me. I have no issues with topping a woman, but I couldn't handle being on the receiving end because it feels too raw for comfort.

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Take my current situation. I now consider myself to be a sexual person. But I am enamored with a man that I feel no sexual attraction (partially due to the fact that this "relationship" is strictly Internet and I've seen maybe 2-3 pictures of him in the 5 years we've known each other as friends). I am, however, highly intellectually and emotionally attracted to him. And I have very good reason to believe that he doesn't feel sexual towards me either. I just don't see us in a sexual relationship, but I suppose meeting him in person would ascertain whether or not I will have some kind of attraction to him (I'm gonna have to think this one out more, so I could better explain myself). For the record, I am no longer interested in maintaining a strong friendship with him. I am very much interested in having a romantic relationship.
Chances are, if your friend is indeed the same person he is online, the intellectual and emotional attraction will probably be there. The lack of sexual chemistry kills interest in a romantic relationship for many people, though there are others who believe that it can be nurtured. Does he have similar views to yours? I guess the scariest and most disappointing part realising that there is sexual attraction but it is only one-way. :/

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This makes a lot of sense. I used to get this feeling when i was 'attracted' to thin women. I could think about them sexually, meaning in a sexual situation, i could be very attracted to them intellectually and emotionally but when it came down to actual sex i was just never really all there. I didnt feel sexual. I think this was really confusing for me and i'm really glad i incorporated 'FA' into my sexuality schema.. cause that makes sense and it makes me a sexual being. This was a learning process though. Because i can be emotionally, intellectually and spiritually linked with male and female i used to find it strange that sexually i was not. I was not a 'closet fa' but someone who had to learn what was sexually exciting via a process..hmm of ellimination (if you will lol).
I too have felt that way about thinner and/or vanilla women I was interested in. In my fantasies they were always bigger, kinky and queer. Took me a while to spot the trend too.

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I have a friend who was a virgin until into her mid twenties and she had feelings of sexuality but when it came to actual sex she just couldnt be turned on..she realised she had insecurity issues which basically made her turn herself off and when she met the guy who was pretty much perfect for her this changed.
I think there can be a lot of reasons for periods of being non sexual especially when you are still trying to work out your sexuality in the first place. (i dont just mean gender orientation..i mean your personal sexuality).
I agree. I wonder if asexual people just "know" that they are asexual from an early age or gradually realise that they have an abnormal lack of interest in sex that is not caused by other factors. I know a handful of lesbians who dated men all their lives and wondered why they didn't care much for sex, but that changed when they finally realised they are only attracted to women. My MtF ex thought she was asexual when she was living as a guy, until she finally accepted that she has been living in the wrong body all this while. Of course, it could just be about finding the right person too and I occasionally worry that I am not the one for my partner because of that, though he seems certain that he will probably never have a sex drive. Guess only time will tell.

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Old 03-24-2009, 01:54 AM   #15
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I think discovering your sexuality is always a learning experience which relies on other people and on context. When i was comming to terms with my gender sexuality i had no frame of reference so even when i got all those funny feelings when i saw girls i liked i didnt know what they ment. I remember reading a lesbian short story and it ws like a lightbulb went off. As for my Fa sexuality, i think that was more tricky because i sort of thought "oh well i have my sexuality now" it wasnt till i started noticing patterns or even lack of patterns..like if my friends were fancying thin women, i just couldnt quite understand the huge attraction. I could and can see when people are beautiful;internally and externally but i just didnt get 'it'.. There were a few pieces in the jigsaw.. like when my girlfriend at 19 said to all my workmates on a train "oh lisa likes fat women".. i was kinna like,, "hmm actually maby i do and how do you KNOW that when even i dont??" It turns out that when you are interested a lot in peoples squishy bits and talk about how sexy Dawn french and alison moyet are Your a kinna Fa give away!! lol.
Anyway, i really do think all sexuality is about discovery. I know of people who are in their 30's who never really 'enjoyed' sex with their boyfriends and then slept with a woman and realised they were gay. Sometimes society/familly can get in the way of exploration.
I think the same thing goes for asexual people. They think "whats the big deal" when people are harping on about sex and attraction and then come to the realisation they are asexual.
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Old 03-24-2009, 05:55 AM   #16
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... snip...
Anyway, i really do think all sexuality is about discovery. I know of people who are in their 30's who never really 'enjoyed' sex with their boyfriends and then slept with a woman and realised they were gay. Sometimes society/familly can get in the way of exploration.
I think the same thing goes for asexual people. They think "whats the big deal" when people are harping on about sex and attraction and then come to the realisation they are asexual.
Excellent points made as always Mer.

I wonder, especially for the young still hammering out their own sexualities, how would they disseminate between nonsexual vs asexual for themselves? It is possible a late bloomer may decide he must be an asexual and mentally shut himself out from potential until something finally clicks and he's forced to face his new reality. Obversely, an asexual female, not knowing asexuality exists, throws herself into the sexual pool trying to find "that magic" all of her friends are talking about because "she's suppose to feel this" and frustrates herself every which way to Sunday in the process.
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Old 03-24-2009, 06:39 AM   #17
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Excellent points made as always Mer.

I wonder, especially for the young still hammering out their own sexualities, how would they disseminate between nonsexual vs asexual for themselves? It is possible a late bloomer may decide he must be an asexual and mentally shut himself out from potential until something finally clicks and he's forced to face his new reality. Obversely, an asexual female, not knowing asexuality exists, throws herself into the sexual pool trying to find "that magic" all of her friends are talking about because "she's suppose to feel this" and frustrates herself every which way to Sunday in the process.
Thats a really interesting point. I think this does happen. In the documentary i watched the other day on asexuality there was one girl that had a huge list of people she had slept with, male and female and it was like she was trying to find what everyone else was talking about and she just couldn't.
I guess if you are asexual there must be a huge amount of pressure to have sex even if you know you dont want to. I know a lot of people will be thinking "well how do you know you dont like sex unless you try it" As asexuality is a sexuality this would be kind of like telling a totally hetro guy that he didnt know that he wasnt gay/bi until he had actually slept with a man. You never really hear that from anyone!
Maby there will be those who assume they are asexual but are actually non-sexual or havn't developed a sexuality yet who then psychologically shut themselves off from sexual exploration too.. hmmm..
I wish i had more asexual friends..well i mean even one!! Because i have So many questions i would love to ask.
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Old 03-24-2009, 01:02 PM   #18
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I am quite far from asexual, but I've often thought that it would be easier, even more productive, to be asexual. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my sexuality, but if I'd never had it? As a kid it isn't like I ever felt incomplete.....imagine not spending so many mental/emotional cycles on sex related topics, just think what you could do instead! (whether that is campaign to end hunger or play more video games).

So no real idea what it is like to be or to live with someone who is asexual, but a little bit of envy for those are.

Also, think about how many societies had some acknowledged, accepted, role or roles for those who were not interested in coupling up? You didn't have to be asexual to be a monk, nun, shaman, or whatever, but I'd guess that a lot of people who were would have chosen that path. It is too bad that in our current society, to be single past a certain age is usually viewed as a type of failure (although as has been illustrated here, being asexual does not mean you also want to be single).
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Old 03-25-2009, 02:19 AM   #19
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I am quite far from asexual, but I've often thought that it would be easier, even more productive, to be asexual. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my sexuality, but if I'd never had it? As a kid it isn't like I ever felt incomplete.....imagine not spending so many mental/emotional cycles on sex related topics, just think what you could do instead! (whether that is campaign to end hunger or play more video games).

So no real idea what it is like to be or to live with someone who is asexual, but a little bit of envy for those are.

Also, think about how many societies had some acknowledged, accepted, role or roles for those who were not interested in coupling up? You didn't have to be asexual to be a monk, nun, shaman, or whatever, but I'd guess that a lot of people who were would have chosen that path. It is too bad that in our current society, to be single past a certain age is usually viewed as a type of failure (although as has been illustrated here, being asexual does not mean you also want to be single).
What frightens me the most is that perhaps it all does boil down to lust. I mean everything we do. As reproduction is pretty much the top priority for any species pretty much most things we do are geared towards procreation (love?) From the diet industry trying to sell us a myth that if we are not thin we will be less sexually successful to people having absolutly no life outside work, making millions of pounds to become rich, which at the end of the day is just a huge set of peacock feathers...
i guess this sounds synical.. lol. But maby asexuality IS the next step forward in evolution and like you say Edx, not having a sex drive would make it possible to achive so much more and for much more spiritual reasons. I was reading in the paper yesterday that pretty much we are fucking up the planet because we are totally over populating it. I mentioned earlier that perhaps asexuality was something ment to lessen our population, because we really seem to have no sense when it comes to thinking as a species. Even wolves, if there is limited resorces only let the Alpha's mate...
Aye, hold on..i'm getting caught up in some Aldux Huxly nightmare..haha.. i should just stop typing now!! But yes, i can imagine the world might well be a nicer place without sexual ego..i have a feeling that somewhere along the line it is responsible for a lot of bloodshed.
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Old 03-25-2009, 07:17 AM   #20
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If reproduction is the only driving factor for lust, queer people would not be desiring their partners this much. Same argument applies for population control. :O

And hmm, I don't think asexual people are any more productive than we are. When you think of it, we don't get distracted by sex all that much either and most of our time is wasted on other stuff. My partner spends most of his time in front of a computer programming or playing some video game. Asexuals can also be frivolous and superficial when it comes to relationships (eg. dating someone because of their looks, talent, money), just that all of it isn't driven by sex.
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Old 03-25-2009, 08:26 AM   #21
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If reproduction is the only driving factor for lust, queer people would not be desiring their partners this much. Same argument applies for population control. :O

And hmm, I don't think asexual people are any more productive than we are. When you think of it, we don't get distracted by sex all that much either and most of our time is wasted on other stuff. My partner spends most of his time in front of a computer programming or playing some video game. Asexuals can also be frivolous and superficial when it comes to relationships (eg. dating someone because of their looks, talent, money), just that all of it isn't driven by sex.
Just because we are queer/bi/gay doesnt mean that our drives are not genetically inherant and evolutionary. Our modern attractions dont have to be focused on a particular gender for the basic sexual instinct to be meaningful and aplicable to reproduction in an evolutionary sense.
I dont think asexual people are more productive as i'm sure some are lazy bastards. I wasnt talking generally, i was talking as a species. If sexual drives/lusts were inhibited it would make sense that we could reject some things as a society that are time consuming and from a spiritual perspective kind of backwards.. i mentioned the examples of 'The weightloss industry' and 'Huge corporations'. I Base this on the widely explored theory that much of what we do is because of sex. I'm not saying i buy into this completely but i do think if all humans were devoid of sexuality then much of the superficial means we use for sexual attraction wouldnt get in the way of advancement in other areas.
Why would we date someone because of their looks if we didnt want people to think more highly of us? This is typical of social hierarchy, the basis of which is inherantly sexual.
Why would someone want to be rich? Nest building to attract a mate?
I am thinking as a species though and about evolutionary reverse engineering. I dont think as individuals we are constantly distracted by sex i'm talking as a society we base much of our structures around sex and reproduction, whether we are aware of it or not.
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Old 03-25-2009, 08:36 AM   #22
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Just because we are queer/bi/gay doesnt mean that our drives are not genetically inherant and evolutionary. Our modern attractions dont have to be focused on a particular gender for the basic sexual instinct to be meaningful and aplicable to reproduction in an evolutionary sense.
I dont think asexual people are more productive as i'm sure some are lazy bastards. I wasnt talking generally, i was talking as a species. If sexual drives/lusts were inhibited it would make sense that we could reject some things as a society that are time consuming and from a spiritual perspective kind of backwards.. i mentioned the examples of 'The weightloss industry' and 'Huge corporations'. I Base this on the widely explored theory that much of what we do is because of sex. I'm not saying i buy into this completely but i do think if all humans were devoid of sexuality then much of the superficial means we use for sexual attraction wouldnt get in the way of advancement in other areas.
Why would we date someone because of their looks if we didnt want people to think more highly of us? This is typical of social hierarchy, the basis of which is inherantly sexual.
Why would someone want to be rich? Nest building to attract a mate?
I am thinking as a species though and about evolutionary reverse engineering. I dont think as individuals we are constantly distracted by sex i'm talking as a society we base much of our structures around sex and reproduction, whether we are aware of it or not.
Ah okay, thanks for clarifying. The whole "sex is for procreation only" thing usually makes me sulk because it is a common argument against non-heterosexuality.

I don't quite buy into that theory either, but only because I cannot relate to it on a personal level though I can certainly see how it makes sense generally. I think asexuals are probably subconsciously driven by sex like the rest of us despite not having an actual sex drive if that makes sense.
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Old 03-25-2009, 08:45 AM   #23
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Ah okay, thanks for clarifying. The whole "sex is for procreation only" thing usually makes me sulk because it is a common argument against non-heterosexuality.

I don't quite buy into that theory either, but only because I cannot relate to it on a personal level though I can certainly see how it makes sense generally. I think asexuals are probably subconsciously driven by sex like the rest of us despite not having an actual sex drive if that makes sense.
Yeah, it makes total sense. Asexuality is something i havnt given much thought to..and only a wee bit of thought recently. To be honest my initial reaction was that it was the product of hormones or something to do with some cortex of the brain.. But then to try to explain it would be to say it is abnormal and devalue it. There have been pretty extensive studies done into homosexuality and many people think that it relates to hormone levels in uterus. This is a bit scary- I always get the feeling when people are looking for a cause they are secretly looking for a cure! eek! I dont really subscribe to the biological theories totally though.. i think sexuality is too subjective. I think a bunch of biology with a dash of society and a pinch of experiences make up our sexuality cake!! lmao.
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Old 03-27-2009, 10:51 PM   #24
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My brother is (probably) asexual. I put the probably there because it's not something he talks about a whole lot, and I suppose it's possible that he simply hasn't met anyone who could turn him on yet. (He's almost 27.) Mostly the idea of sexuality seems to baffle him, though. He's very non-physical; he doesn't even like to be touched or hugged most of the time. I've often wondered if that is partly because he spent a lot of his first few months in an incubator. But it seems to go a lot deeper than that; he simply doesn't see things from a sexual viewpoint, though of course intellectually he understands, say, bawdy humor. He doesn't really have any desire to have a partner at all, though he likes kids and says he wouldn't mind maybe adopting one "when he grows up". (And he keeps pestering my sister and me about when we'll give him nephews and neices to corrupt.)

I'm not sure it really qualifies as an orientation, though, any more than atheism qualifies as a religion. And yeah, it is hard to wrap your mind around it when your own mind and body are quite intent on that "Need A Partner To Be Complete" deal.
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Old 03-27-2009, 11:48 PM   #25
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I'm not sure it really qualifies as an orientation, though, any more than atheism qualifies as a religion. And yeah, it is hard to wrap your mind around it when your own mind and body are quite intent on that "Need A Partner To Be Complete" deal.
It's certainly a way to be oriented, so I think it qualifies. Maybe not a "preference" as such, but certainly an orientation.
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