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Old 04-06-2009, 10:41 PM   #1
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Default FA peerdom as a part of the FA experience

This was a piece I wrote for the launch issue of BGP (Big Girls Paradise) magazine in the UK, prior to coming out to live in the US... In it, I talk about several of my FA experiences and my thoughts on the benefits that can be derived as FAs from actually getting to know other FAs....

In fact, one of the main reasons cited by those who supported the need for an FA forum was that there is a tendency in real life for FAs to not have many (or any) FA friends. I'd be interested to hear if this is as generally true as is often suggested..? What do people think the social effect of this absence of peerdom has had/could have? Finally, if it is a problem, what could/should be done about it?


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“So you like big women..?”

Why does that idea seem like an alien concept to people? You can almost see the question on their lips before they've even asked it,

“why would he choose a fat girl over a thin girl?”.

Well, it might not be seen as commonplace but liking big women doesn't make me weird, It definitely doesn't make me a fetishist, it just means that one of the things that might attract me to a woman, along with her personality, positivity and sense of humor is that she has a beautiful plus sized figure.

“But that doesn’t answer why you like FAT?”

See... the thing is, I don’t know exactly why I'm attracted to fat bodies and not thin ones, but I do know that I've always felt this way. In fact, well before my first lustful adolescent thoughts, I had always felt more comfortable, more at ease around and even more trusting towards large people in general. As I reached the teenage years my attraction towards the larger female form became much more defined to me. I was fascinated by the way that their bodies moved, by the sensuality and femininity of the soft curves that were completely absent from the bodies of the masculine-looking slim girls that all my friends were crazy about.

This period was a tough one for me. My parents disapproved of my preference. Making no effort to hide their disappointment and disgust for what they hoped was a passing phase. To add to this, I began to feel the pressure of knowing I was different from my peers. I kept my preference secret for fear of facing the derision I was sure that revealing the truth would bring. I placed such a pressure on myself to fit in and be ‘normal’ that for while in my teens I even I tried to convince myself that I could see beauty in slim women too. I dated a slim girl but soon ended the relationship. My college friends had 'approved' and she was fun to spend time with but the spark of physical attraction just wasn't there... and I came to realize it never could be. Being with a slim woman seemed wrong and frankly, I felt like a fraud.

So perhaps unsurprisingly it wasn't until my late teens and early twenties that I really began to feel comfortable in my own skin. I used the internet to join size positive web communities and discovered that I was far from unique. There were many other guys that liked big women and talking with them helped me gain the confidence I needed to accept myself and 'come out'. Taking this step was easily the best and most liberating decision I've ever made in my life.

Unfortunately, this kind of an experience is common, if not the norm amongst BBW admiring men. Some suppress their preference well into adulthood. Some never openly express it. Perhaps its an over-generalization but its my opinion that the longer an individual stays in 'the closet', the greater the risk there is of a simple preference for BBWs festering and eventually manifesting itself as socially awkward and inappropriate behaviors. Maybe this could be avoided if more BBW admirers were aware that they weren't as weird or unique as maybe they think they are? There are several ways guys can work this all out for themselves. Interacting within internet communities (such as dimensionsmagazine.com) and attending social events like (the fantastic!) Big Girls Paradise would be my recommendation. Really though, it doesn't matter where or how it happens.

I cant emphasize enough how important it is for BBW admirers is to have a chance to get to know one another, relate to each other and in the process, learn to accept themselves.

Whilst the majority of media coverage remains hostile, I believe that over the last 5 to 10 years, attitudes in general towards fat women have been changing here in the UK. There is definitely a notion spreading (albeit slowly) that it isn’t acceptable to discriminate on the basis of size. There are also more big women than ever before. With these greater numbers comes greater visibility and subsequently an increasing sense of social normalization. As people who admire and date BBWs, we can do our part to accelerate this process. We can (and we should) make a difference to help chip away at the misconceptions and prejudices that still remain.

Not everyone is cut out for waving placards and protesting. The hardened activist approach clearly has its place in raising awareness but can just as easily be caricatured by the ignorant as an ‘extreme’ view. Such views are easily dismissed, ignored or even ridiculed. There are other, more subtle and perhaps more effective ways that each and every ‘out’ BBW admirer can help make a difference. For instance, every time we challenge hate-filled fat ‘humor’, every time we stand up for ourselves and our preference, every time we proudly kiss or walk hand in hand with a BBW in public we are making a statement.

Big women are beautiful, big women are desirable, big women and their partners are as normal as any other couple...

And what could be a better message than that..?
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Old 04-07-2009, 11:56 AM   #2
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I think you're right in that most FAs (at least guys) have few FA friends. It's funny because at first I would say that physical preferences just don't dictate who we're friends with. It's mostly the obvious stuff: geography, common interests, similar beliefs. But then look at how most groups actually break down. People do tend to have mostly friends who are of the same economic level, general education and sexual orientation as themselves. Obviously there are tons of exceptions, but by and large I've found this to be true.

The difference with the FA thing is, I think, that:

1. It is in the minority.
2. It's never really been quantified, so we don't know how much in the minority.
3. Guys of our generation tend to forswear named groups as it is. Whereas in the 50's, for example, tons of American men were in the Elks or Masons or all the weird groups that popped up after WWII, now we tend to form smaller groups that are based around aesthetic preferences, rather than a code of beliefs. Some of this is just a case of pageantry, which I think has a lot to do with the advent of the fashion-crazy Hipster. Woah. Tangent.

Anyway, there is an interesting book on the topic called Bowling Alone. You should check it out.
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Old 04-08-2009, 02:23 PM   #3
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I think the root of the problem lies in the fact that in today's society you aren't defined as much as by who you are, but who you listen to, what you read, what you watch on tv, and yes, even who you find desirable.

Just think back to your days in high school, it has always been more important who you are friends with rather than what defines you as a person and what makes you unique.

I don't think many FA's are friends with each other due to the mere fact that there is no FA middle class as it were, there isn't in general a casual FA. Within the FA community you usually find those who are out, loud and proud, or on the converse, one's that are still trying to reconcile their desires with the pressure from friends, family, and society to conform to the "status quo". Of course you there is a gray area, where you have individuals drifting from one end of the spectrum to the other, but there is no mass in the middle, and the middle is where typically a majority of the minority meet.

That is just my take on it, I think you both bring up very very good points

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Old 04-08-2009, 08:27 PM   #4
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The fact that FA's know that they are different from their peers at a fairly young age. I think you either have a quirky enough personality to roll with things or you really have a struggle.

I don't think it helps that most of the thinking takes place in an isolated manner.
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Old 04-09-2009, 04:07 PM   #5
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I have zero 'FA' friends.

When this whole world was opened to me thanks to me getting my own computer and internet connection in my bedroom in junior high, I figured in my immediate area I was one of a kind. "Who else could possibly think and feel like I do?" it's just the natural gut reaction of a young adolescent boy realizing these alien feelings boiling up in his nether regions. You're so fixated on seeing it and reading it then hiding the shit out of it, you don't think to look around for like minded people.

Even today, I don't really get to just talk about this subject outside of this forum. I talk to my wife some about it, but we've discussed it at such length its become one of those lovingly unspoken "I know" subjects. I'd kill to have some 'FA' buddies.

*shrug*

That's life.
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Old 04-09-2009, 05:46 PM   #6
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I know exactly what you mean... and I think that FA-ness can tend breed a bit of a lone-ranger mentality as coping method for being the odd one out... Thats not for everyone. Personally I think it makes a huge psychological difference to have FA friends and I'd recommend it to pretty much anyone to try and make those friendships happen...

easier said than done of course... perhaps this board may help?
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Old 04-09-2009, 07:24 PM   #7
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Default FA friendship

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Fat Man View Post
I have zero 'FA' friends.

When this whole world was opened to me thanks to me getting my own computer and internet connection in my bedroom in junior high, I figured in my immediate area I was one of a kind. "Who else could possibly think and feel like I do?" it's just the natural gut reaction of a young adolescent boy realizing these alien feelings boiling up in his nether regions. You're so fixated on seeing it and reading it then hiding the shit out of it, you don't think to look around for like minded people.

Even today, I don't really get to just talk about this subject outside of this forum. I talk to my wife some about it, but we've discussed it at such length its become one of those lovingly unspoken "I know" subjects. I'd kill to have some 'FA' buddies.

*shrug*

That's life.

No murder needed, just go to yahoomessenger or email me at Rollhandler2002@yahoo.com or Rollhandler2002 on the messenger. I've been inviting people to do just that for about 10 yrs and as of this date have only ever gotten one taker that has lasted more than a single conversation or email. I agree fully with you on the fact that i would also go to great lengths to have FA buds to chat with and just vent to from time to time and look foreward to the same in return.
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Old 04-11-2009, 09:27 AM   #8
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I find it annoying, to say the least, that i have no FA friends to speak of.

With all my other interests and preferences, at least nearly all of them, i have a few friends with which to talk about or share interest in, but in terms of being an FA and talking about it i have no parity with it in my social life, apart from Dims, something i can't spend enough time on!

Anyone else find that, apart from Dims, its hard/impossible to find someone who shares your FA views?
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Old 04-12-2009, 06:21 PM   #9
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Default A technique to spot FAs?

Same here, no FA friends to speak of. I do have the suspicion that one of my friends is one, though. His girlfriend has fattened up considerably since they got together.

Perhaps we have more FA friends than we think? I know that at my age (18) there are still plenty that are in the closet about their preference. I remember reading a post (in the general forum?) about a technique for BBWs to scope out FAs, and maybe with a little tweaking it might work for an FA to spot individuals of his own kind. In the end that could probably create some stronger friendships.
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Old 04-13-2009, 12:26 PM   #10
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If anyone looking for FAs to chat with, you can send me a PM as well.
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Old 04-13-2009, 12:45 PM   #11
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If anyone looking for FAs to chat with, you can send me a PM as well.
Um.....what messenger and what nic do we send this PM to?
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Old 04-13-2009, 01:01 PM   #12
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Um.....what messenger and what nic do we send this PM to?
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Old 04-13-2009, 09:08 PM   #13
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people I know who are FA's: a couple dozen

people I know who are FA's that I would call my friends: zero
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Old 04-13-2009, 09:14 PM   #14
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people I know who are FA's: a couple dozen

people I know who are FA's that I would call my friends: zero
By choice or another reason?
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Old 04-14-2009, 10:56 AM   #15
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The question I always have is after the first 10 minutes what would we talk about. You normally have more in common with folks that have the same hobby ect. ect.

Question for those with FA friends, has it been a useful experience?

I think the lack of FA peers probably plays more of a role in FA exixtance.
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Old 04-14-2009, 01:27 PM   #16
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There is a fat admirer middleclass. Their wives and girlfriends tend to shop at Lane Bryant or Torrid. Eventually BBW will be the mainstream when one considers that the average dress size in America is a plus size.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ZosofanCMR View Post
I think the root of the problem lies in the fact that in today's society you aren't defined as much as by who you are, but who you listen to, what you read, what you watch on tv, and yes, even who you find desirable.

Just think back to your days in high school, it has always been more important who you are friends with rather than what defines you as a person and what makes you unique.

I don't think many FA's are friends with each other due to the mere fact that there is no FA middle class as it were, there isn't in general a casual FA. Within the FA community you usually find those who are out, loud and proud, or on the converse, one's that are still trying to reconcile their desires with the pressure from friends, family, and society to conform to the "status quo". Of course you there is a gray area, where you have individuals drifting from one end of the spectrum to the other, but there is no mass in the middle, and the middle is where typically a majority of the minority meet.

That is just my take on it, I think you both bring up very very good points

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Old 04-14-2009, 01:59 PM   #17
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It's funny, I'm so used to being the only basically "out" FA that I know, that it doesn't even occur to me what it would be like to go out with a couple of FA dudes. I'm sure it would be a blast, but it's hard to imagine. There is a total lone-wolf mentality that comes with the territory.

One funny anecdote--a friend of mine is dating a woman ~ 200 lbs. They've been together for years and she was the same size when they met. One night, a few of the boys were out and I tried to engage him in "aren't fat chicks great/sexy/etc." talk. He totally would not go for it, wouldn't even admit she was fat when I was talking about how she and my GF at the time were fat girls. I realized I was making him uncomfortable and backed off, but it kind of blew my mind, like, "do you not realize your GF's fat? Or do you not like it, and if so, why did you expressly go for a fat girl?"

Anyway, that was my one foray into "trying to buddy up, FA-stizzie."
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Old 04-14-2009, 03:05 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Durin View Post
The question I always have is after the first 10 minutes what would we talk about. You normally have more in common with folks that have the same hobby ect. ect.

Question for those with FA friends, has it been a useful experience?

I think the lack of FA peers probably plays more of a role in FA exixtance.
The best thing about having real FA friends would be to be able to discuss the date you had and the woman you took out without hearing all the jeers, and discussion about how gross, or being told how mentally wrong I am in the head, or told to stop halfway through even though I havent mentioned anything about the womans size or where we went, or what we ate, but simply because they know my preference is fat women and they got a mental picture. The part that kills me about that is that they dont see any problem describing the same things, to me, about their thin dates.

Being able to discuss dates and dating issues with FAs means getting good useful information about taking care of size issues; networking the issues amongst others that understand and share them with their mates and partners. Being able to ask what places have extra wide seating or letting your bud know that if he takes her THERE she may have trouble getting around 'cause they overcrowd the tables...etc.

Or how to reinforce an item of furniture because you are broke and your woman is in danger of breaking that 10 yr old piece of crap that needs replacing. An Fa will understand that you want to fix the chair not simply because your woman is fat, but because an FA understands that she will probably hurt herself if she uses the item and it breaks. An Fa understands these things as well as what brand names of (Fill in item of furniture here) hold up well over time with big women etc; at what cost, and where do I get one?

Not to mention with guys bragging rights are an ego builder, but it's bitter pill when bragging about your date is met with the disapproval of all in earshot.

YEAH I can see benefits galore, these are just a couple of examples. The biggest one is being able to be openly proud, with your buds of the woman you adore in ways they can appreciate and reciprocate.
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Old 04-14-2009, 03:28 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by MisterGuy View Post
It's funny, I'm so used to being the only basically "out" FA that I know, that it doesn't even occur to me what it would be like to go out with a couple of FA dudes. I'm sure it would be a blast, but it's hard to imagine. There is a total lone-wolf mentality that comes with the territory.

One funny anecdote--a friend of mine is dating a woman ~ 200 lbs. They've been together for years and she was the same size when they met. One night, a few of the boys were out and I tried to engage him in "aren't fat chicks great/sexy/etc." talk. He totally would not go for it, wouldn't even admit she was fat when I was talking about how she and my GF at the time were fat girls. I realized I was making him uncomfortable and backed off, but it kind of blew my mind, like, "do you not realize your GF's fat? Or do you not like it, and if so, why did you expressly go for a fat girl?"

Anyway, that was my one foray into "trying to buddy up, FA-stizzie."
Every so often I try to hang out with the guys at work but since I am considered strange I usually don't get them. No worries I still try anyway.

Once in an effort to get an invite out with a bud I work with, I casually mentioned during a conversation about how girls mingle, that "I" would be the perfect wingman for him since a) there would be no competition for dates and b) Whilst he was chatting up the thin hottie he had his eye on, "I" could be distracting and chatting up her fat girlfriend. He thought about it a minute and said "Ya know, that does make sense in a way." with a strange grin on his face, but offered NO invite.
*sigh*
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Old 04-15-2009, 12:24 PM   #20
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I have been part of science fiction/fantasy fandom since I was in HS, and FAism and out-and-proud BBW/BHM are considered normal (in fact, pretty tame actually) and I've had no shortage of FA friends.

Since FAism and BBW/BHM are normal, people there don't tend to dwell on it like they do here, and it's just nice to have that as part of the mix in a 'normal' group (as much as fandom can be considered normal...)
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