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Old 04-07-2009, 08:48 AM   #1
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Default The "kid in a candy store" mentality

This most likely doesn't just apply to FAs, but since that is where we are and that is who I mostly see interact, I'll bring it up here anyway.

It happened with me and I've seen it happen to quite a few other people. Once you find out this community exists and about the whole culture really, it's very overwhelming. I remember when I first joined Dimensions years ago. I couldn't really keep it together with all the women around here who you could actually interact with and not feeling creepy about it (how to do it without being creepy is another thread altogether) but yeah, I've been thinking about it lately.

As some one who discovered this place when I was very young, I can relate to that feeling of OMFG WOMENZ! However, as some one who has made the mistake of trying to balance way too much flirting with way too many promises with zero promise of actual follow through, I can safely say, it's best to sit back, take it all in and think on it before trying to talk up as many women as possible.

Because believe me, women/men do talk to each other and you will get a reputation and it will suck.
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Old 04-07-2009, 09:57 AM   #2
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its funny, cause, even though i chatted in Dims chat years ago i didnt actually join dims forums until i was in a commited relationship with a bbw. I felt then was the time i needed to interact with other Fa's and bbws and ask for advice and share my feelings. Though, i do rememeber feeling pretty overwhelmed when i found chat here ..i never knew Fa's even existed. It did give me total butterflies and a feeling of happy calm.. though i didnt actually do much chattering up of womeennz.. it was mainly guys who were trying to chatter me up and when i said i wasnt fat.. they were like.. "ahh but how fat do you want to be" lol.. good times!!
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Old 04-07-2009, 10:00 AM   #3
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its funny, cause, even though i chatted in Dims chat years ago i didnt actually join dims forums until i was in a commited relationship with a bbw. I felt then was the time i needed to interact with other Fa's and bbws and ask for advice and share my feelings. Though, i do rememeber feeling pretty overwhelmed when i found chat here ..i never knew Fa's even existed. It did give me total butterflies and a feeling of happy calm.. though i didnt actually do much chattering up of womeennz.. it was mainly guys who were trying to chatter me up and when i said i wasnt fat.. they were like.. "ahh but how fat do you want to be" lol.. good times!!
Add a "married" to your user profile and see how many PM's you get on this very topic. Coz, you know, I'm sure you'd love to get more communication from horny men who wish to have a fantasy internet relationship with you, mer. In fact, it's the top of your priority list ... right?
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Old 04-07-2009, 10:05 AM   #4
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Add a "married" to your user profile and see how many PM's you get on this very topic. Coz, you know, I'm sure you'd love to get more communication from horny men who wish to have a fantasy internet relationship with you, mer. In fact, it's the top of your priority list ... right?
Lol right. To be honest..this was one of the resons i left chat really..i got bored by the constant pinging of messages from people not taking it on board i was an Fa.. I used to feel bad if i never replied, so ended up really stressed every time i chatted! lol.. och well..yeah..i did have a few one sided fantasy internet relationships with guys when i was younger!
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Old 04-07-2009, 10:47 AM   #5
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Totally.

I was never much of an internet guy, but when I finally went to an event and got involved proper, it was crazy. I used to be out clubbing pretty regularly with friends, and going from being an FA in a 'normal' club where I wasn't interested in 99% of the girls and having the 1% I was interested in usually being very self conscious or just (gasp!) not interested in me, to finding myself in an environment where I was out numbered by, for the most part, proud hot BBW's really was overwhelming. And awesome.

I will add to the whole reputation thing by saying that I found the rules of engagement could be slightly different in the BBW world. Like BGB said, a greater degree of caution and maturity is required.

In my case, I spent my first few events getting drunk, flirting it up and generally embarrassing myself with different girls much like I did in normal clubs. Eventually I came to realise I was coming off as a bit of a man whore in this new environment. As a guy who had only recently started finding his feet with the lady folk (I was a fat kid that was brutally shy around the fairer sex when it came to the romance department till I was in my very late teens. The very definition of no game.), this was in equal measures surprising, hilarious (to my friends) and, perversely, kind of cool to me. I had a bit of a rep going on. I was perhaps the least experienced, least sexually active playa in England. Luckily, I quickly fell for a far smarter, savvy gal who set me straight.

So yeah, my lessons learned would be brace yourself (I still vividly remember walking into my first BBW event. T'was amazing.) and TRY to be smart.
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Old 04-07-2009, 12:12 PM   #6
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I remember this one time years ago I met this guy online. We chatted for months and exchanged photos, seemed to get on pretty well. We agreed to finally meet at this bbw dance that we'd seen advertised and was curious about. His eyes were rolling out of his head at this thing. He practically ignored me the whole time and spent the evening looking around at all the fatties there. I left him for the ladies room, was gone just a minute or so, and when I got back he had befriended some chick who plopped down next to him and was having the time of his life. I was devastated, I get teary when I remember how hurt I was. It was never really the same with him after that. I only talked with him casually or in passing at the events from time to time. He went through a few women there and then after a while, zip. Nobody would talk to him. I certainly wasn't going to after that. I get what its all about but a woman has her pride and her standards. I think the best damage control someone can do is to step back and lay low for a while. At least till the new car smell has returned. Just don't come back with the same scratch and sniff approach. There will always be the catty chatty crowd who love a good story but most mature thinking people will be willing to let bygones be bygones. It takes time though.
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Old 04-07-2009, 02:42 PM   #7
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Because believe me, women/men do talk to each other and you will get a reputation and it will suck.
I've always found the Size Acceptance Community equivalent to the Kevin Bacon Game.
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Old 04-07-2009, 03:13 PM   #8
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CurvaceousBBWLover has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CurvaceousBBWLover has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CurvaceousBBWLover has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CurvaceousBBWLover has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CurvaceousBBWLover has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CurvaceousBBWLover has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CurvaceousBBWLover has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CurvaceousBBWLover has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CurvaceousBBWLover has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CurvaceousBBWLover has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!CurvaceousBBWLover has a ton of rep. Literally. As in over 2000!
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It is an interesting way to feel when you first join the plus size subculture. I remember going through it, LOL.

These days, the only thing I feel like being in a candy store about are my books. I love books.

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Old 04-07-2009, 03:46 PM   #9
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I've always found the Size Acceptance Community equivalent to the Kevin Bacon Game.
Let me tell you something. Can we get serious for a minute here? Back maybe ten years ago I was at a party. I'm sitting at a table with these people and I strike up a petty conversation with this guy. He was by himself, just sitting there so we prattled about this and that - nothing huge. I went to the ladies room. (Fellas, CRAZY azz crap goes on in the ladies room. Don't *ever* let your girlfriends go in there alone. lol) Ok, so I'm in the ladies room, I'm at the sink and these drunk ladies come over to me and one says, "Oh I see you're talking with Chet*." I didn't know what his name was. We talked about the weather. *shrugs* She proceeds to tell me that he's really good in bed, likes to go down, has a d*ck like a coke can. I'm miss pollyanna so I nearly dropped my lipstick in the sink I was so shocked. I went back to the table and tried to act natural. He was just sitting there, wasn't really doing anything of giving off any vibe. He ended up getting bored and leaving early I guess. That poor guy. But seriously fellas, the bbw scene is kind of a hostile place to explore your FAness unless you don't care very much about this sort of thing. Do whatever you have to do to not think of the ladies as candy even if they offer. Only on the eyes. Just be careful, a lot of good guys got screwed and not in a good way.
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Old 04-07-2009, 03:50 PM   #10
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I can agree, but I usually don't go too far with flirting unless I really see something.

Sometimes in the past I did go a little crazy though, and I will admit that. I wouldn't dare say some of those past comments on initial encounters, but I've never really done that in person anyway from the get go.
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Old 04-07-2009, 04:18 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by BothGunsBlazing View Post
However, as some one who has made the mistake of trying to balance way too much flirting with way too many promises with zero promise of actual follow through, I can safely say, it's best to sit back, take it all in and think on it before trying to talk up as many women as possible.

Because believe me, women/men do talk to each other and you will get a reputation and it will suck.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ben from England View Post
As a guy who had only recently started finding his feet with the lady folk (I was a fat kid that was brutally shy around the fairer sex when it came to the romance department till I was in my very late teens. The very definition of no game.), this was in equal measures surprising, hilarious (to my friends) and, perversely, kind of cool to me.
Both of these posts are very, very true.

Being an FA can make you a "late bloomer" romantically. My own experience was almost exactly like Ben's. I hardly dated at all during high school and college, not for lack of interest but because I wasn't interested in any of the women around me. When I started going to bashes, it was like flipping an "on" switch I didn't know I had. All of a sudden my hormones were surging and I was being shamelessly flirty and charismatic for the first time in my life.

It's a wonderful feeling, but in a community like this one it can be very dangerous. To go from a situation where you don't even see any attractive women for weeks at a time to a situation where you're getting attention from several of them at once is an overwhelming experience. It's easy to get in over your head.

Before you hit the dance floor at your first bash, take a few deep breaths. Have fun flirting, but take your time. Try not to let your raging libido drown out your common sense. In the long run you'll save yourself a lot of drama and heartache.
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Old 04-07-2009, 04:23 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by LillyBBBW View Post
Let me tell you something. Can we get serious for a minute here? Back maybe ten years ago I was at a party. I'm sitting at a table with these people and I strike up a petty conversation with this guy. He was by himself, just sitting there so we prattled about this and that - nothing huge. I went to the ladies room. (Fellas, CRAZY azz crap goes on in the ladies room. Don't *ever* let your girlfriends go in there alone. lol) Ok, so I'm in the ladies room, I'm at the sink and these drunk ladies come over to me and one says, "Oh I see you're talking with Chet*." I didn't know what his name was. We talked about the weather. *shrugs* She proceeds to tell me that he's really good in bed, likes to go down, has a d*ck like a coke can. I'm miss pollyanna so I nearly dropped my lipstick in the sink I was so shocked. I went back to the table and tried to act natural. He was just sitting there, wasn't really doing anything of giving off any vibe. He ended up getting bored and leaving early I guess. That poor guy. But seriously fellas, the bbw scene is kind of a hostile place to explore your FAness unless you don't care very much about this sort of thing. Do whatever you have to do to not think of the ladies as candy even if they offer. Only on the eyes. Just be careful, a lot of good guys got screwed and not in a good way.

It's like one of those 'eye opening ' Taxicab confession shows...

So if newbie FAs are a Kid in the Candy Shops! Does that make BBWs Lionesses on the Hunt?
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Old 04-07-2009, 04:27 PM   #13
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It's like one of those 'eye opening ' Taxicab confession shows...

So if newbie FAs are a Kid in the Candy Shops! Does that make BBWs Lionesses on the Hunt?
Yes, you will find strong elements of that there. It's pretty disconcerting if you're an average Jill at one of these things trying to find "someone special." You try to let the merits of your personality and sense of humor shine through but it's hard to compete in that environment when the bbw on the other side of him is rubbing his thigh under the table. It does make for a lot of dramatics and hurt feelings.
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Old 04-07-2009, 04:42 PM   #14
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the looming spectre of "people talk" bothers me more than being a slut. i'll live my life, thanks. there's a reason i didn't sign up to be catholic. people who use this as a bargaining chip are intensely petty. i've been "threatened" plenty of times, and with all of them said do what you have to do.

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Old 04-07-2009, 04:44 PM   #15
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its funny, cause, even though i chatted in Dims chat years ago i didnt actually join dims forums until i was in a commited relationship with a bbw. I felt then was the time i needed to interact with other Fa's and bbws and ask for advice and share my feelings. Though, i do rememeber feeling pretty overwhelmed when i found chat here ..i never knew Fa's even existed. It did give me total butterflies and a feeling of happy calm.. though i didnt actually do much chattering up of womeennz.. it was mainly guys who were trying to chatter me up and when i said i wasnt fat.. they were like.. "ahh but how fat do you want to be" lol.. good times!!

See, I know you aren't fat. I'm cool with that. I've seen your pictures .. and you are gorgeous!!!!! Just sayin'.
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Old 04-07-2009, 04:52 PM   #16
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the looming spectre of "people talk" bothers me more than being a slut. i'll live my life, thanks. there's a reason i didn't sign up to be catholic. people who use this as a bargaining chip are intensely petty. i've been "threatened" plenty of times, and with all of them said do what you have to do.
What's "people talk"? Do you mean that people threaten to gossip about you? Cause yeah, that's petty.
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Old 04-07-2009, 04:59 PM   #17
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the looming spectre of "people talk" bothers me more than being a slut. i'll live my life, thanks. there's a reason i didn't sign up to be catholic. people who use this as a bargaining chip are intensely petty. i've been "threatened" plenty of times, and with all of them said do what you have to do.
Well the big mistake I made was assuming every guy felt like you do but that's not exactly true. I never bothered to talk about what people say and how stuff gets started because I did think it was petty but later discovered that some people are really bothered by this kind of stuff and want to know. I'm just putting it out there for those interested so they can live their lives too.
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Old 04-07-2009, 05:20 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by LillyBBBW View Post
Well the big mistake I made was assuming every guy felt like you do but that's not exactly true. I never bothered to talk about what people say and how stuff gets started because I did think it was petty but later discovered that some people are really bothered by this kind of stuff and want to know. I'm just putting it out there for those interested so they can live their lives too.
well yeah, i mean there are honest ways to do what you do. i'm really bothered by this but it's inevitable. i do know guys who won't attend bashes (anymore) because a girl they (used to) know is a prominent participant. that really bothers me. if you're a jerk over and over it'll come to fruition eventually but screwing up with a girl years ago and in the past affecting whether or not you participate in the community is problematic.

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Old 04-07-2009, 05:27 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by exile in thighville View Post
well yeah, i mean there are honest ways to do what you do. i'm really bothered by this but it's inevitable. i do know guys who won't attend bashes (anymore) because a girl they (used to) know is a prominent participant. that really bothers me. if you're a jerk over and over it'll come to fruition eventually but screwing up with a girl years ago and in the past affecting whether or not you participate in the community is problematic.
This phenomenon, along with all of the intricacies of dating within what tends to be a very small community, all things considered, is deserving of its own thread. Tricky, tricky business, for sure.
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Old 04-07-2009, 05:39 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by exile in thighville View Post
well yeah, i mean there are honest ways to do what you do. i'm really bothered by this but it's inevitable. i do know guys who won't attend bashes (anymore) because a girl they (used to) know is a prominent participant. that really bothers me. if you're a jerk over and over it'll come to fruition eventually but screwing up with a girl years ago and in the past affecting whether or not you participate in the community is problematic.
I strongly agree and also agree that this subject is worthy of its own thread. Like I said earlier though, I believe time is the great equalizer. After a certain time the statue of limitations has run out on a woman's ability to hold court over a guy she had a falling out with several years ago in my opinion. In fact that's the opinion of most people so even if the woman in question still wants to pull that card she won't get much of a respectable audience.
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Old 04-07-2009, 07:04 PM   #21
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As some one who discovered this place when I was very young, I can relate to that feeling of OMFG WOMENZ! However, as some one who has made the mistake of trying to balance way too much flirting with way too many promises with zero promise of actual follow through, I can safely say, it's best to sit back, take it all in and think on it before trying to talk up as many women as possible.
Interesting. I too discovered this place at a relatively young age (way too young to register; let's just leave it at that), but the fact that I've never been much for flirting and that every woman was... many years older than me allowed me to completely circumvent the kid in the candy store mentality. Not only had I never dated anyone, but the shiny pictures on the screen represented little more than a fantasy; I couldn't really wrap my head around the thought of ever personally being involved.

Interestingly, lurking for years seems to have been a way of easing myself into the ideas of what the community represented, without being thrown in head first.

That said, the upcoming NJ bash may indeed resemble quite the confectioner's shop, but personally I'm not too worried about excess flirting or promises. Sadly (or fortunately?) I just don't have it in me.
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Old 04-08-2009, 09:42 AM   #22
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I remember this one time years ago I met this guy online. We chatted for months and exchanged photos, seemed to get on pretty well. We agreed to finally meet at this bbw dance that we'd seen advertised and was curious about. His eyes were rolling out of his head at this thing. He practically ignored me the whole time and spent the evening looking around at all the fatties there. I left him for the ladies room, was gone just a minute or so, and when I got back he had befriended some chick who plopped down next to him and was having the time of his life. I was devastated, I get teary when I remember how hurt I was. It was never really the same with him after that. I only talked with him casually or in passing at the events from time to time. He went through a few women there and then after a while, zip. Nobody would talk to him. I certainly wasn't going to after that. I get what its all about but a woman has her pride and her standards. I think the best damage control someone can do is to step back and lay low for a while. At least till the new car smell has returned. Just don't come back with the same scratch and sniff approach. There will always be the catty chatty crowd who love a good story but most mature thinking people will be willing to let bygones be bygones. It takes time though.
darnit! will you stop writing such good stuff! yes i love my FA friends. beautiful guys. but its hard to date them after going through that with them. it just wouldn't be the same.
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Old 04-08-2009, 09:49 AM   #23
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Let me tell you something. Can we get serious for a minute here? Back maybe ten years ago I was at a party. I'm sitting at a table with these people and I strike up a petty conversation with this guy. He was by himself, just sitting there so we prattled about this and that - nothing huge. I went to the ladies room. (Fellas, CRAZY azz crap goes on in the ladies room. Don't *ever* let your girlfriends go in there alone. lol) Ok, so I'm in the ladies room, I'm at the sink and these drunk ladies come over to me and one says, "Oh I see you're talking with Chet*." I didn't know what his name was. We talked about the weather. *shrugs* She proceeds to tell me that he's really good in bed, likes to go down, has a d*ck like a coke can. I'm miss pollyanna so I nearly dropped my lipstick in the sink I was so shocked. I went back to the table and tried to act natural. He was just sitting there, wasn't really doing anything of giving off any vibe. He ended up getting bored and leaving early I guess. That poor guy. But seriously fellas, the bbw scene is kind of a hostile place to explore your FAness unless you don't care very much about this sort of thing. Do whatever you have to do to not think of the ladies as candy even if they offer. Only on the eyes. Just be careful, a lot of good guys got screwed and not in a good way.
yes they do. and it doesn't even have to be for something they actually did. true stories:

i was sitting next to a friend in the lobby at a bash. he is a really nice guy much too smart to sleep around in the community much. a girl who was hot for him called down from her room and said that he was up there with her and was trying to give the impression that something was going on.

a friend of mine thought that her ex was interested in me, but we were just kinda friends. so she had to tell me he had just gone upstairs with another girl to bed her. 3 minutes later he came back downstairs with a bottle so that we could all have a drink.

lesson: be careful. and if you are married or have a significant other don't make the mistake of coming alone.

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Old 04-08-2009, 10:12 AM   #24
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darnit! will you stop writing such good stuff! yes i love my FA friends. beautiful guys. but its hard to date them after going through that with them. it just wouldn't be the same.
Haha! You know, I always have the feeling hanging over my head that I'm just another jelly in the jar at these events. It's likely why I never meet anyone at them, I don't really go out of my way to do so.
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Old 04-08-2009, 02:31 PM   #25
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See, this is why I am intimidated by bashes. I wonder if FAs and FFAs talk about BBWs in the same way as well.

The whole kid in a candy store mentality when one comes out, the cliques, the incestuous dating, the gossip and all happens in the lesbian community too.
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