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Old 04-07-2009, 12:27 PM   #1
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Default FA mistakes?

Have you ever done something specifically FA related that you now realize was really a mistake?

=====================================

Here is (one) of mine, as a start. When my wife was first getting plus-sized, she began to comment how she felt very self-conscious in many social situations, because she was very clearly the fattest one there. In classic male manner, I took these comments to indicate a problem which I was supposed to solve.

Her losing weight was not a solution I wanted to encourage. Her learning not to mind being the biggest there was clearly going to take a fair bit of time, at the least. So after a bit of pondering, I announced one day that we should set out to make some fat friends, to make for more comfortable socializing. I even offered to come up with ways to try and find them.

It made perfect sense to me at the time.

To my wife, not so much.

I think it was right around then that she started talking about not wanting to get any bigger…

So yah, I think the lesson is that if a woman is uncomfortable with her size, suggesting you alter your lives to make her size less of an issue is probably not wise.....
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Old 04-07-2009, 03:08 PM   #2
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Sometimes, my wife has a sense of humor about herself that I JUST DON"T GET. I have been trying to get used to it and not be all sensitive about it either.

And it rarely happens but when it does it still kinda bugs me.

It's basically just her joking around and taking light of situations (in front of family or friends) and she makes humor about "fat" ..

We've talked to one another about it and now I have become less-sensitive as I understand reasons why she does it. I think that I dig way too deep into what she jokes about and it somehow bothers me.

Now, I don't react as uptight and quiet and so on as I had in the past.

So thats my mistake, I suppose.
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Old 04-07-2009, 04:17 PM   #3
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god, where to begin.

got my first date ever, at 13, canceled because i was a creep and joked to mildly bigger girl about feeding her chocolates and teasing about gaining.

took advantage of one chubbyish girlfriend's open mind and good nature by showing her paysite girls all the time and basically slamming home the point HI YOU'RE TOO SMALL.

during feederguilt phase decided not to tell fat girlfriend about feederism and ended up trying to get my fix to girls on cam while gf slept next to me. she wasn't always asleep.

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Old 04-07-2009, 05:58 PM   #4
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Sometimes, I wish I could just Shut The Fuck Up.

I dunno if it's totally FA exclusive, but my biggest mistake, one that I still make time and time again, is saying absolutely everything I am worried about or thinking.

A perfect FA example is my never ending, cyclical battle with good old FA guilt. I think there is a point when you have to decide whether what you’re saying is constructive or just tired neurosis that is a drag to hear about. I want a communicative relationship and all, but I wish I didn't make my girlfriend (and everyone else around me) suffer through every inch of my personal growth, as an FA or otherwise.
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Old 04-07-2009, 06:07 PM   #5
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It took me awhile to realize that calling girls fat was not as much of a compliment to them as I intended it to be.
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Old 04-07-2009, 08:10 PM   #6
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It took me awhile to realize that calling girls fat was not as much of a compliment to them as I intended it to be.
Something like this. It's hard for me to know whether the person I'm talking to finds the term derogatory, neutral, or of endearment. I don't use it often, because I can never know initially.
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Old 04-07-2009, 08:20 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by Ben from England View Post
Sometimes, I wish I could just Shut The Fuck Up.

I dunno if it's totally FA exclusive, but my biggest mistake, one that I still make time and time again, is saying absolutely everything I am worried about or thinking.

A perfect FA example is my never ending, cyclical battle with good old FA guilt. I think there is a point when you have to decide whether what you’re saying is constructive or just tired neurosis that is a drag to hear about. I want a communicative relationship and all, but I wish I didn't make my girlfriend (and everyone else around me) suffer through every inch of my personal growth, as an FA or otherwise.
I totally go on and on to my gf about my guilt and my feelings about being an fa, I make myself crazy I can only imagine the silent screams of "shut up and just love me for me! And know I love you neaurosis and all"
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Old 04-07-2009, 10:07 PM   #8
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Something like this. It's hard for me to know whether the person I'm talking to finds the term derogatory, neutral, or of endearment. I don't use it often, because I can never know initially.
Totally this! My fat friends didn't like me asking them to join Dims either because they don't relate or don't want to relate to the fat experience.

Years of having to defend my preference makes me overexplain my preference sometimes, even though it is not something one should have to justify.
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Old 04-07-2009, 10:22 PM   #9
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Years of having to defend my preference makes me overexplain my preference sometimes, even though it is not something one should have to justify.
oh bingo hard.
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Old 04-08-2009, 04:03 AM   #10
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Totally this! My fat friends didn't like me asking them to join Dims either because they don't relate or don't want to relate to the fat experience.

Years of having to defend my preference makes me overexplain my preference sometimes, even though it is not something one should have to justify.
indeed.
I remember once about 6 years ago i was in a pub and this fat chick was moaning that her friends had all hooked up with people and left her.. I started talking about dimensions chat etc and how there are loads of people who think fat women are really beautiful. She was really pissed off at me. I learned that some fat women dont want you to acknowledge they are fat. I think i got carried away in 'fat' acceptance and thought all fat people in the world would share my joy at the fact there are Fa's and fat people who dont hate you when you use the word fat. I think dimensions can be a slight fa/fat accepting bubble at times.. which used to burst and sting my eyes in the real world... Think you learn pretty quick though, when you see someone being upset like that.
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Old 04-08-2009, 04:29 AM   #11
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This wasn't really an external mistake with consequences; more of a mistake of mindset. I think this is a pretty classic one, which has just as much to do with being an asshole as being an FA.

A few years ago I approached a big girl who I liked and basically professed my feelings for her (including the fact that I thought her body was beautiful), absolutely sure beforehand that she would joyously reciprocate, because she would have finally found the rare and valued "FA," who she had probably been seeking her whole life.

She wasn't at all interested, which left me confused and disappointed at the time.

Needless to say (hopefully) I've matured since then.
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Old 04-08-2009, 06:49 AM   #12
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Totally this! My fat friends didn't like me asking them to join Dims either because they don't relate or don't want to relate to the fat experience.
This would be my FA mistake #2, committed a year or two after number one, described above, and showing that I still didn't get it. Upon first getting online and finding size acceptance sites, I gushed to my wife about how wonderful all this was and told her she should check them out.

Erm, didn't go over so well. She had less than no interest, she quite clearly had no desire to deliberately associate with other fat people. She could, somewhat grudgingly, accept that this is something important to me, but she doesn't want to know about it, or have it brought into our joint lives at all.

After that I set up mental 'paper walls' to separate my FA side from my husband side as much as I could.
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Old 04-08-2009, 06:58 AM   #13
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This would be my FA mistake #2, committed a year or two after number one, described above, and showing that I still didn't get it. Upon first getting online and finding size acceptance sites, I gushed to my wife about how wonderful all this was and told her she should check them out.

Erm, didn't go over so well. She had less than no interest, she quite clearly had no desire to deliberately associate with other fat people. She could, somewhat grudgingly, accept that this is something important to me, but she doesn't want to know about it, or have it brought into our joint lives at all.

After that I set up mental 'paper walls' to separate my FA side from my husband side as much as I could.
hmm.. My gf (The fab Goldendelicious) was kinna like that before she really realised how much of a flaming Fa i was. I had been hampering on at her to join dimensions, not really for me (as i have to tone down my sleeze! lol) but because i have seen what a brilliant resorce dimensions really is for big women, especially if they are having seft esteem issues. She doesnt really come on that much but sometimes we will both be on our laptops chattering to each other about what people are saying on dimensions. It is very bonding, i guess because she realises more about my sexuality (which can be nice ) and i get to hear about what she thinks about issues such as body acceptance, and where she is in regards to her feelings to herself in that regard. I suppose if i had a really negative reaction from her to begin with i might not have pushed it.. but then i think i would feel i was living a kinna double life somehow.
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Old 04-08-2009, 07:00 AM   #14
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I suffer from serious LUST BLINDNESS with BHM, I can get so lost in the fantasy of it all, that the fact that he might be 1/2 of my age and across the pond, fall to the way side, I am so caught up with the beauty and go to great lengths to convince myself that we HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON, hahaha....DENIAL, not a river in Egypt......
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Old 04-08-2009, 07:05 AM   #15
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Mer;

In our case, my wife never got larger than small BBW, and later got back down to what you might call borderline BBW (size 14-16 north american, size 16-18 UK I suppose that would mean). Even at her heaviest she didn't really identify as "a fat person" and did not want to be seen that way. I think the social aspects of being fat bothered her more than the physical ever did. So in her case this was part of a growing decision that she did not want to be "a fat person." All right about the time that I was discovering how much of an FA I was.

I guess you could say that we'd each had a lot of assumptions that we'd never articulated, even to ourselves. When these undefined assumptions clashed, it did result in some interesting mental adjustments for me, probably for her too.
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Old 04-08-2009, 07:12 AM   #16
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Mer;

In our case, my wife never got larger than small BBW, and later got back down to what you might call borderline BBW (size 14-16 north american, size 16-18 UK I suppose that would mean). Even at her heaviest she didn't really identify as "a fat person" and did not want to be seen that way. I think the social aspects of being fat bothered her more than the physical ever did. So in her case this was part of a growing decision that she did not want to be "a fat person." All right about the time that I was discovering how much of an FA I was.

I guess you could say that we'd each had a lot of assumptions that we'd never articulated, even to ourselves. When these undefined assumptions clashed, it did result in some interesting mental adjustments for me, probably for her too.
Ahh..i see. I think perhaps if you are on the cusp of what is socially defined as fat it may be harder to accept for some people, than if there is no doubting you are fat. I guess it woulds be difficult if you knew your partner was into something which you struggled not to be. I can understand why she was less excited about Dimensions than you would be. I think to many Fa's, discovering sites like dimensions really is a 'revelation', because they realise what they are has a name and lots of people subscribe to that. If you are fat on the other hand, you know this about yourself from the offset and dont need a website to tell you this fact. Though, I think if i was fat and discovered dims i would be really happy because i would realise that there are people who genuinly prefered my body type and i also think i would find it really helpful to talk to other big women about their experiences.. hmm
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Old 04-08-2009, 07:53 AM   #17
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Ahh..i see. I think perhaps if you are on the cusp of what is socially defined as fat it may be harder to accept for some people, than if there is no doubting you are fat. I guess it woulds be difficult if you knew your partner was into something which you struggled not to be. I can understand why she was less excited about Dimensions than you would be. I think to many Fa's, discovering sites like dimensions really is a 'revelation', because they realise what they are has a name and lots of people subscribe to that. If you are fat on the other hand, you know this about yourself from the offset and dont need a website to tell you this fact. Though, I think if i was fat and discovered dims i would be really happy because i would realise that there are people who genuinly prefered my body type and i also think i would find it really helpful to talk to other big women about their experiences.. hmm
When I first discovered Dims I wasn't all that enthusiastic. A quick glance and I was gone. At that time it seemed the whole world was focused on the fact that I was fat. Everything was about it either negatively or positively. I knew I was fat and was okay with it but I was really trying to separate my identity from being thumbs up or thumbs down in the eyes of the world over it if that makes any sense. I just wanted to self identify so joining a fat community wasn't really what I needed at that time. It wasn't till much later. I was involved in a project that landed my photo on the old weight board and I was being discussed. Somebody linked me to it and I jumped right in to the conversation. It was the people here that hooked me.
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Old 04-08-2009, 08:07 AM   #18
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When I first discovered Dims I wasn't all that enthusiastic. A quick glance and I was gone. At that time it seemed the whole world was focused on the fact that I was fat. Everything was about it either negatively or positively. I knew I was fat and was okay with it but I was really trying to separate my identity from being thumbs up or thumbs down in the eyes of the world over it if that makes any sense. I just wanted to self identify so joining a fat community wasn't really what I needed at that time. It wasn't till much later. I was involved in a project that landed my photo on the old weight board and I was being discussed. Somebody linked me to it and I jumped right in to the conversation. It was the people here that hooked me.
I can see what you mean. I guess sometimes even positive remarks about something that you dont want to be a big deal could be anoying. To be honest i think its the people here that have hooked me too. I know there are other sites but i have never really been that interested. I'm glad you decided to stay btw.
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Old 04-08-2009, 08:22 AM   #19
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Sometimes, I wish I could just Shut The Fuck Up.

I dunno if it's totally FA exclusive, but my biggest mistake, one that I still make time and time again, is saying absolutely everything I am worried about or thinking.

A perfect FA example is my never ending, cyclical battle with good old FA guilt. I think there is a point when you have to decide whether what you’re saying is constructive or just tired neurosis that is a drag to hear about. I want a communicative relationship and all, but I wish I didn't make my girlfriend (and everyone else around me) suffer through every inch of my personal growth, as an FA or otherwise.
To quote exile "Oh bingo hard." Everyone here knows I am very guilty of this.

I also used to forget out in the real world that a BHM I might be checking out didn't automatically realize that that was an admiring gaze. So I have learned to be more subtle. I fear I may have made more than one fat man self-conscious when my intention was the opposite.
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Old 04-08-2009, 08:41 AM   #20
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To quote exile "Oh bingo hard." Everyone here knows I am very guilty of this.

I also used to forget out in the real world that a BHM I might be checking out didn't automatically realize that that was an admiring gaze. So I have learned to be more subtle. I fear I may have made more than one fat man self-conscious when my intention was the opposite.
UMMM ya what she saidx10 INITIALLY. I scared my first BHM in my first real online convos....I was just OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG he's real and he is talking to ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 04-08-2009, 09:00 AM   #21
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Booty Blindness, general superficiality especially when I was young. Size might draw my attention but what's inside is what holds it. Not understanding that well enough to articulate it clearly leaves room for many mistakes. I hope maybe this board can help with that a bit?
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Old 04-08-2009, 09:14 PM   #22
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Biggest FA mistake?

I would sat the times that I look at my relationship through strictly FA colored lenses. Being able to be flexible is important.

Before I was married I fell in love with a skinny girls personality. Ackward.



What made it even worse was that she had just dieted herself down to a size where she felt guys would be interested in her. Just not good.
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Old 04-09-2009, 04:52 AM   #23
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I have visceral reactions to things that are really inappropriate at times. I saw an old high school friend of mine thanks to the wonders of Facebook. One look at her and I winced. She was so thin you could see her collar bones. The only person who saw me do this was the person I was with but there was no time to remark on it before greetings begun. My ignorant response was possibly the same as what another person's ignorant response would be when seeing me. To me being that thin looks painful and my neck starts to hurt. I wouldn't be surprised if people equated pain with being fat too. Mine was a gut reaction that hit before I could think it through. Everyone was telling her she looked great and I almost couldn't look at her. It bothers me that I can't fix this.

If this is inappropriate for this thread go ahead and slap my hands away. I just couldnt think of anyplace else to put it.
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Old 04-09-2009, 05:15 AM   #24
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Originally Posted by LillyBBBW View Post
I have visceral reactions to things that are really inappropriate at times. I saw an old high school friend of mine thanks to the wonders of Facebook. One look at her and I winced. She was so thin you could see her collar bones. The only person who saw me do this was the person I was with but there was no time to remark on it before greetings begun. My ignorant response was possibly the same as what another person's ignorant response would be when seeing me. To me being that thin looks painful and my neck starts to hurt. I wouldn't be surprised if people equated pain with being fat too. Mine was a gut reaction that hit before I could think it through. Everyone was telling her she looked great and I almost couldn't look at her. It bothers me that I can't fix this.

If this is inappropriate for this thread go ahead and slap my hands away. I just couldnt think of anyplace else to put it.
I know what you mean..
I get like that when i see really painfully thin people on tv..i cant look and i feel sad. I get this feeling whenever i see anyone that looks like they are in pain, so even though i am an Fa, i can get this if i see a very fat person on tv who is struggling and looks like they hurt. I cant look.
So, i dont think seeing really skinny people with their bones jutting out and feeling bad and shocked is only an Fa thing..i think its a concerned human thing.
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Old 04-09-2009, 12:02 PM   #25
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Something like this. It's hard for me to know whether the person I'm talking to finds the term derogatory, neutral, or of endearment. I don't use it often, because I can never know initially.
This is totally it for me.
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