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Old 04-09-2009, 01:26 PM   #1
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Default FA Guilt

You knew it was coming, and it might as well be started by the dude who says unpopular shit anyway.

So, yeah. I think we all know what I mean. How do you deal with it? Do you even feel it?

Me, personally, it's oftentimes the kind of cognitive dissonance that I frown upon in *every* other aspect of my life. I *know* that the "epidemic" is a lot of hype, and I *know* that being overweight - a bullshit term in and of itself - isn't the death sentence it's made out to be, but I also know that there are relatively few super-sized persons in the old folks home, and that there are health risks associated with being, well, quite large.

And yet I'm attracted to it, and I can't help it, and I'll be damned if it doesn't bug the shit out of me sometimes.
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Old 04-09-2009, 01:46 PM   #2
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Same. It's a little guilt, some hopelessness, and some anger for me. Anger for being inexplicably hard-wired to liking supersized women, and the guilt and hopelessness at the fact that even though some women like themselves that way there's reminders like that one thread on the Main board where half the women would take the skinny pill and almost everyone would want to be X pounds lighter, where X is at least 50. Not to mention the even-more-hopeless weight gain fantasies with which I am "afflicted."

It's like following a complicated flowchart for twenty-some steps, and the end result of the path you take is "you're fucked." You can skip back a few steps and try for a better ending but meh.
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Old 04-09-2009, 01:50 PM   #3
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Kali and i have discussed this ad nauseam, I think i drive her nuts with it. and it's not just guilt about loving her size, it's also guilt about objectifying her and her fat. I don't want her to feel like it's only about teh fatness. and she doesn't, but when i get on a tare, her beauty and her body really do a number on me and it turns into a frenzy almost lol. one thing that helped me understand that it's not just about size was when i went back through some older pics when she was smaller and my feelings and desires where just as strong. i think a large part of this is the kid in the candy store angle again, I am finally in a place where it's ok to like what i like and she is more than ok with it. She usually just tells me to "Shut up and enjoy it. if it feels could how can it be wrong" But i still feel giulty about it a little it's an odd feeling
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Old 04-09-2009, 01:50 PM   #4
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Thanks for starting the thread.

My take: you have to let your partner have their way. Let them know what you like, but that you'll support them in everything, and that no matter what you like, you need them to take care of themselves, and you'll always help them do that.

Discipline may not be as sexy as indulgence, but indulgence is usually best enjoyed in small batches, sadly, IMO.

But having said all that, you are dead right about the cognitive dissonance, and what a pain it is.
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Old 04-09-2009, 02:02 PM   #5
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Yeah, thanks for starting this thread. I was kinda waiting for one.

I often feel very, very guilty about my preferences to the point of severe anxiety; but I'm this sort of person in general. (Beat myself up over damn near everything). The guilt is the main reason I don't talk about my sexuality very much: as much as I acknowledge that the "obesity epidemic" is a lot of hype, as was stated above, most of the big people I know are plagued with self-esteem issues as well as with aches, pains, and various health problems. I realize this isn't always the case, but the big people I know (including my man) have got it pretty rough. It is very, very difficult for me to come out and say, "I am attracted to fat people and weight gain" then, because I know I'd get my throat ripped out. "How can you sexually objectify something which puts them through so much misery?" I feel like such a terrible person for being less attracted to my man when he loses weight in order to combat his health problems.
It sucks.
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Old 04-09-2009, 02:13 PM   #6
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Default I'm With You

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mini View Post
You knew it was coming, and it might as well be started by the dude who says unpopular shit anyway.

So, yeah. I think we all know what I mean. How do you deal with it? Do you even feel it?

Me, personally, it's oftentimes the kind of cognitive dissonance that I frown upon in *every* other aspect of my life. I *know* that the "epidemic" is a lot of hype, and I *know* that being overweight - a bullshit term in and of itself - isn't the death sentence it's made out to be, but I also know that there are relatively few super-sized persons in the old folks home, and that there are health risks associated with being, well, quite large.

And yet I'm attracted to it, and I can't help it, and I'll be damned if it doesn't bug the shit out of me sometimes.
I'm really with you on the guilt issue. I've never actually encouraged
a woman to gain to extreme obesity, but I'd be lying if I said that I
haven't found the idea exciting in the past. Reality is a very powerful,
undeniable wake up call because I've read about many great women
we have lost because of fat obsession. No person's life should have
a lower value than the person's sexual attractiveness, regardless of
which fetish or obsession is operative. I had to walk away from fat
obsession to get peace of mind. Do I still adore fat women? Yes, I do,
but I wouldn't even encourage a woman to gain to the level of obesity
that I am obviously surviving.
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Old 04-09-2009, 03:27 PM   #7
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Default

God, I love this forum. This is such an important topic.

From a superfatty's point of view, the subject of FA guilt is sort of the ultimate catch-22. I mean, who doesn't want a partner who possesses the emotional sensitivity to worry about this kind of stuff? I understand, absolutely, where the guilt comes from. Without even touching the topic of how fat does - or doesn't - affect health, the simple fact is that life as a fat person is just really effing hard, physically and emotionally. You can love and respect your body and be a confident, sexual, well-adjusted fat person, but some days are still just awful and you feel like saying, "okay, screw this, I hate being fat." That's just how it goes. So I understand the guilt that comes from desiring something that can be a hardship to the person carrying it, I do. And like I said, I absolutely appreciate a partner who is caring enough to think about it, and worry about it. But on the other hand, the thought of being the source of guilt for my (theoretical) partner makes me absolutely cringe. The last thing I want is for someone to feel badly for finding my fat body sexy, you know? I don't feel guilty about being fat, so why should you feel guilty about liking my fat?

So I don't know. There has to be a happy medium somewhere, but I'm not sure where it lies. I will say that while it's certainly worthy of consideration and thought, obsessing about it is likely to drive you and your fat partner crazy. I also think that while of course, there are some beautiful women out there who've gained on purpose, most of us probably haven't, so keep in mind that we were probably fat for a long time before we knew you and probably will be fat for a long time, so there's not much of a point in worrying too much about the effect or morality of your preference for fat people and how it affects us. It just.... is.
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Old 04-09-2009, 04:39 PM   #8
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I have always felt it tremendously. It's what stopped me from wanting to be active in the community earlier. As much as I love fat girls, it's the pin that bursts the bubble when a friend notes that it must suck to be attracted to something that is essentially a detriment to the person you love’s life.

A few hits from the never ending guilt list:

- The simple fact that I am attracted to bigger girls. I can be as supportive as all hell, my partner can know that I am along for the ride 100%, but it sucks for them to know that substantial weight loss will lead to me being less physically attracted. And there is flat out nothing I can do about this. I feel like I am obligated to be honest about this fact, but feel awful for them having to know it.

- I hate constantly trying to figure out how I should behave when it comes to anything weight related. If I know a partner wants to lose weight, but then reaches for ice cream, do I comment? If I tell them not to worry about it am I enabling?

- When I hear 'Oh my God, I hate being this size.' comments, it stings as an FA, cos I like them at that size and don't particularly want to be attracted to something someone hates about themselves. I want to be available and open, but there is a point where I feel like saying 'well, either do something or stop complaining about it'. I know life isn't that simple.

- I don't understand why FA's are met with hostility, as though it undermines their FA credentials or something, when they say they would be willing to date a skinny girl if they really liked them even if they weren't predisposed to be attracted to them, and then are met with equal hostility for being superficial when they say they are only attracted to a girl of a certain size.

- It's an awful thing to face the fact that the reason the person you like is attractive to you may be because of an unhealthy relationship with food. That part of what you like may come fron a 'disorder' in that person. One they would be better off without.

...and the list goes on.

I guess, just like fat people have down fat days, there are days I totally resent carrying this all around, and if there were an FA cure to go along with that fat pill, I would take it. I honestly don't think i will ever really find a resolution. I try not to dwell on it. I remind myself that I am not a bad person because I am attracted to fat women.

As a side note, one more interesting, (gasp) postive thing I thought of whilst reflecting on this. I am not a pro-fat cheerleading FA. I acknowledge the implications being fat brings with it. I myself was fat once. I really didn't like it that much, I think mostly for the wrong reasons, and took severe measure to not be fat. I am still coming to terms with liking my body. There is still a deeply embedded part of me that, through years of having it drilled into my head, believes that being fat is bad and a moral failing. It's like I understand my thinking is wrong, but don't know how to reprogram. Despite the internal conflict, I actually appreciate being an FA when it comes to this, because it has led me down a path toward self acceptance I fear I wouldn't have bothered with otherwise. I would have spent my life, brainwashed, in a gym, counting calories fighting my body. Instead, thanks to finding the size acceptance community as an adjunct of my sexuality, I am slowly moving toward it being less of an issue.

Last edited by Ben from England; 04-09-2009 at 04:42 PM.
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Old 04-09-2009, 04:52 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Esther View Post
Yeah, thanks for starting this thread. I was kinda waiting for one.

I often feel very, very guilty about my preferences to the point of severe anxiety; but I'm this sort of person in general. (Beat myself up over damn near everything). The guilt is the main reason I don't talk about my sexuality very much: as much as I acknowledge that the "obesity epidemic" is a lot of hype, as was stated above, most of the big people I know are plagued with self-esteem issues as well as with aches, pains, and various health problems. I realize this isn't always the case, but the big people I know (including my man) have got it pretty rough. It is very, very difficult for me to come out and say, "I am attracted to fat people and weight gain" then, because I know I'd get my throat ripped out. "How can you sexually objectify something which puts them through so much misery?" I feel like such a terrible person for being less attracted to my man when he loses weight in order to combat his health problems.
It sucks.
I don't suffer the guilt of my preference nor do I feel the need to answer for it, but I do understand the self esteem issues from both sides of the fence. I can almost understand why some stay closeted, after living my entire life out of it. It seems that its just as battering the the ego and self esteem to be an (F)FA and out as it is to be the object of our desire. That almost sounds like the topic of another post so I'll stop the ramble and move on.
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Old 04-09-2009, 05:18 PM   #10
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Default Reality check

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ben from England View Post
I have always felt it tremendously. It's what stopped me from wanting to be active in the community earlier. As much as I love fat girls, it's the pin that bursts the bubble when a friend notes that it must suck to be attracted to something that is essentially a detriment to the person you love’s life.

A few hits from the never ending guilt list:

- The simple fact that I am attracted to bigger girls. I can be as supportive as all hell, my partner can know that I am along for the ride 100%, but it sucks for them to know that substantial weight loss will lead to me being less physically attracted. And there is flat out nothing I can do about this. I feel like I am obligated to be honest about this fact, but feel awful for them having to know it.

- I hate constantly trying to figure out how I should behave when it comes to anything weight related. If I know a partner wants to lose weight, but then reaches for ice cream, do I comment? If I tell them not to worry about it am I enabling?

- When I hear 'Oh my God, I hate being this size.' comments, it stings as an FA, cos I like them at that size and don't particularly want to be attracted to something someone hates about themselves. I want to be available and open, but there is a point where I feel like saying 'well, either do something or stop complaining about it'. I know life isn't that simple.

- I don't understand why FA's are met with hostility, as though it undermines their FA credentials or something, when they say they would be willing to date a skinny girl if they really liked them even if they weren't predisposed to be attracted to them, and then are met with equal hostility for being superficial when they say they are only attracted to a girl of a certain size.

- It's an awful thing to face the fact that the reason the person you like is attractive to you may be because of an unhealthy relationship with food. That part of what you like may come fron a 'disorder' in that person. One they would be better off without.

...and the list goes on.

I guess, just like fat people have down fat days, there are days I totally resent carrying this all around, and if there were an FA cure to go along with that fat pill, I would take it. I honestly don't think i will ever really find a resolution. I try not to dwell on it. I remind myself that I am not a bad person because I am attracted to fat women.
Wow here I sit calmly typing to one post about not feeling the guilt for my preference, but when I post it and continue reading on I find the next post turns my previous work into an absolute lie.

I can relate to all of this that Ben has written but never equated it to a guilty feeling of preference. But, I guess theres not much else to call it.

I too have felt the catch 22 of health vs desires in a partner and dealt with the emotional baggage that comes from her wanting to please me but knowing that she wont be as appealing at a much smaller size and the worry that I would leave as a result of her being smaller.

I have felt the pull in both directions of her wanting to diet and the support of which I cannot muster for her efforts to help her in her desire to do so, beyond the point of letting her know that it is ok to diet if she wants to.

I get met with the catch 22 of being a flag waver as well and wanting tell her how beautiful she is but having to censor how I do so because she may be offended if the wrong terminology is used.

I have felt fully the guilt of having a bbw/ssbbw and having her question the fact that I find her attractive when she sees the girls that turn my head which are ineveitably even larger than she is although "I" know that those are only the ones shes notices my head turn for because i dont "not" turn my head for the smaller fat girls any less.

Thanks Ben for that reality check!
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Old 04-09-2009, 05:43 PM   #11
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I see no reason for FAs to feel guilty. Why should we feel guilty for having good taste? (I use the smiley but I am serious.)

A person's health is ultimately his or her own responsibility. If you're feeding your partner to illness or death, then, yeah, that's guilty, but otherwise....being supportive, loving and positive is the biggest part of what it's about.

I don't agree at all that it's hard to be an FA. I feel we're privileged, that we've got a lucky secret maybe the rest of the world doesn't know about (yet!) and that fat people and FAs are lucky to find each other.
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Old 04-09-2009, 05:45 PM   #12
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I don't feel that us fat admirers must feel guilty about our desires. The whole fat=unhealthy argument never swayed me away from my attraction to large women. It seems to me its just another way for mainstream society to make us feel abnormal about what we like. While some people blame mass media for girls being anorexic, no one ever blames guys who like skinny girls. Likewise, girls who like guys with muscles aren't given guilt trips for encouraging steroid abuse.
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Old 04-09-2009, 06:15 PM   #13
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Good discussion everyone, glad you're having it.

I agree with Carrie, strongly, on the "I don't feel guilty for being fat, so please don't feel guilty for liking me fat."

I could go into more from the fatty POV, but won't without invite. I don't want to crash the discussion or change the focus by telling you "not" to feel what you feel.
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Old 04-09-2009, 06:20 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Santaclear View Post
A person's health is ultimately his or her own responsibility. If you're feeding your partner to illness or death, then, yeah, that's guilty, but otherwise....being supportive, loving and positive is the biggest part of what it's about.
I don't think it's that black and white. There are a lot of ways to undermine someone’s effort to change or subtly, sometimes even subconsciously, encourage or enable in a way that doesn't look out for a partners long term best interests, instead getting wrapped up in denial motivated by sexual proclivities. (Maybe it's worth exploring what it exaclty is to be supportive, loving and positive in a different thread.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Judge_Dre View Post
I don't feel that us fat admirers must feel guilty about our desires. The whole fat=unhealthy argument never swayed me away from my attraction to large women. It seems to me its just another way for mainstream society to make us feel abnormal about what we like.
I read something on a blog recently that I thought had made a valid point fairly well-

The truth is... yes, society over-exaggerates and inflates the health risks with being obese. It way over demonizes them.

But then, the movements that are there to solve this injustice, do the opposite, and just spread the opposite misinformation.

What worries me as a supporter of fat acceptance movements is that... A lot of them are actually working against the establishment taking them seriously. Why? Because you have these kooks who come out and claim that the laws of biology, chemistry and physics do not apply, just to prove a point.

Goverment: Gain 10 pounds = die (now fear the fat!)
Movement: There is absolutely no health risk to being obese, at all. Period, and anyone who says it, is shaming obese people.

We all know we need fat acceptance in this society, but lets not get it at the cost of truth.


The reasons I feel bad about being an FA sometimes have nothing to do with the fact that the mainstream ideal of beauty is different than mine. It has to do with the consequences of what I find beautiful experienced by the people I'm attracted to. FA's shouldn't be ashamed of who they are, but burying your head in the sand and rejecting anything that kills your hard on isn't the way forward either.

Anne Marie, I would be interested in hearing a BBW's point of view on all this ruckus.

Last edited by Ben from England; 04-09-2009 at 06:25 PM.
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Old 04-09-2009, 06:32 PM   #15
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This topic just rocked my world, in a bad way. I was seriously about to go cry myself to sleep with a newly guilt-ridden conscience.

But then I read Santaclear's and Dre's posts. While I'm not saying "If FAs don't love BBWs then who will?" I can't see how the existence of a segment of the population that loves bigger women could have a net negative effect on those bigger women. Of course enabling and dangerous feeder situations would be a different story, but any halfway decent man who respects his partner for more than her body would never exploit her for purely sexual reasons or try to circumvent her wishes to be whatever size she wants to be. If you argue that the average FA would not take steps to help his SO lose weight (and therefore become healthier, according to popular opinion), well, you're probably right, but I fail to see how anything so positively non-malicious would be a cause for guilt. But maybe I'm just not experienced enough.

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Originally Posted by Ben from England View Post
FA's shouldn't be ashamed of who they are, but burying your head in the sand and rejecting anything that kills your hard on isn't the way forward either.
Certainly not. But again, any reflective and realistic man (person, really) with a decent amount of common sense wouldn't buy into the "propoganda" of either side. We see the consequences of being overweight every day (societally and biologically), but the ever-strong bias of society is definitely observable as well. We just have to take the facts as a whole; nothing is ever black and white.

Last edited by CCC; 04-09-2009 at 06:38 PM.
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Old 04-09-2009, 06:52 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by CCC View Post
This topic just rocked my world, in a bad way. I was seriously about to go cry myself to sleep with a newly guilt-ridden conscience.

But then I read Santaclear's and Dre's posts. While I'm not saying "If FAs don't love BBWs then who will?" I can't see how the existence of a segment of the population that loves bigger women could have a net negative effect on those bigger women. Of course enabling and dangerous feeder situations would be a different story, but any halfway decent man who respects his partner for more than her body would never exploit her for purely sexual reasons or try to circumvent her wishes to be whatever size she wants to be. If you argue that the average FA would not take steps to help his SO lose weight (and therefore become healthier, according to popular opinion), well, you're probably right, but I fail to see how anything so positively non-malicious would be a cause for guilt. But maybe I'm just not experienced enough.



Certainly not. But again, any reflective and realistic man (person, really) with a decent amount of common sense wouldn't buy into the "propoganda" of either side. We see the consequences of being overweight every day (societally and biologically), but the ever-strong bias of society is definitely observable as well. We just have to take the facts as a whole; nothing is ever black and white.
i think to avoid feeling guilty FAs have to be careful not to internalize the blame some women would like to lay on them. some hate thier fat and really can't see how you'd love it. a lot of people are very good at hiding the fact or its subconscious with them. a BBWs issue with food is her issue. some people who do have a food addiction actively seek out an enabler and then blame them for the result. thats why for your own mental health its a good idea to take your time and find a woman who truly likes her weight and the rest of life as well. you have to be careful about choosing someone who does not like it and blames her weight and you for everything going wrong in her life. you can't make a woman love it. its her thing. she shouldn't make you responsible for her entire life. if she puts you in that position its probably not really about you at all. she just needs someone to set up for the blame game. a woman has a choice in everything that she does. a grown woman takes responsibility for that. be careful not to let people guilt you out just for loving and desiring them as they are. your right, there is nothing wrong with finding someone attractive.

Last edited by superodalisque; 04-09-2009 at 06:54 PM.
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Old 04-09-2009, 07:03 PM   #17
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Oh Mini, you must have read my mind today. I can't believe you beat me "the guilt maven" to creating this thread. I've been pretty open about the nature of my guilt in the past, so I thought I'd address the question of how I deal with it. I would be lying if I said I was 100% over the FA guilt issue, but I'm about 80% there and these two points made by the brilliant Carrie are two ideas that, once I realized them for myself, really helped me come to terms with the guilt and put it in perspective.
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But on the other hand, the thought of being the source of guilt for my (theoretical) partner makes me absolutely cringe..... .......

I also think that while of course, there are some beautiful women out there who've gained on purpose, most of us probably haven't, so keep in mind that we were probably fat for a long time before we knew you and probably will be fat for a long time....
The BBW/BHM of this board have helped me a great deal with my guilt issues because, for the most part, they seem to express the feeling that FAs shouldn't feel guilty or as guilty as we do. I have also noticed that BBW/BHM who are in relationships with FAs(or have been in the past) are often some of the most vocal supporters of ALL FAs. In my opinion, they would know best whether or not a good FA is a good thing. (A BBW in a PM introduced me to the phrase "FA admirer" and I must admit that made me smile for a long time. ) At the end of the day, most of us(whatever our size) are probably happiest knowing that the person we're with wouldn't change a thing about us. (I'm not saying only FAs can feel this way about a fat person, by the way). I think we need to substitute FA guilt with FA...let's call it compassion. There will be frustrations and ambivalence for many fat people, but as Ben so brilliantly pointed out, FA guilt is the FA version of that same ambivalence. I think the key is to be understanding and sensitive when the occasion calls for it(for example, know when and when not to say that something is a turn on), but to not automatically take the fat person's bad moments as an affront to our identity as FAs. EVERYONE has good and bad days and ambivalence about aspects of themselves sometimes. It rarely means that they wish their partner didn't like them as they are, or that they feel there is something wrong with their partner for loving them and being attracted to them. I think the right FA and the right fat person can be a truly wonderful pairing.

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I *know* that the "epidemic" is a lot of hype, and I *know* that being overweight - a bullshit term in and of itself - isn't the death sentence it's made out to be, but I also know that there are relatively few super-sized persons in the old folks home, and that there are health risks associated with being, well, quite large.
I have a range, but I prefer men over 300 in general, so believe me, this is where the big hang up in getting over the guilt is for me. I think about this a lot. BUT I also have recently come to the conclusion that life is far too short to let all of the what ifs and guilty feelings keep us as FAs from finding the BBW or BHM who is right for us. It seems a shame that the very sensitivity and thoughtfulness that would make an FA a good partner is often the very thing that paralyzes us and keeps us from seeking happiness with the right person. No one knows how long we have on this earth, and life really is all too short for everyone, and there could be a lot more happy FA/fat person pairings out there if a lot of the sensitive FAs learned to deal with our guilt better and put it in perspective. That's just my opinion though.

And I admit, being a weight gain fetishist, I have some added baggage, but a friend of mine outside the SA movement gave me a reality check once. He is not an FA, nor is he fat, but he has known me a long time and when I unburdened myself to him about my guilt and fears about my fetish he basically said to me "don't you believe you have any self control whatsoever?" He makes a good point. I can't help what I think or feel, but I can control entirely what I do. So when something that disturbs me goes through my head, I just remind myself that I would NEVER do anything to harm someone I cared for, nor would I engage in any activity that made them unhappy, unhealthy or in any way diminished the quality of their life. It's really about trusting yourself to find balance and boundaries. My friend also pointed out that non FAs and non fetishists have fantasies that they would never act on, or act out completely as well. Turns out, it's just part of being human.

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BRILLIANT AND AMAZING POST
This post of Ben's is, in my opinion, one of the most articulate explanations of the conflict of FA guilt I have seen on these boards.

*this was my 1000th post, it seemed fitting it should be about FA guilt
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Old 04-09-2009, 08:07 PM   #18
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he basically said to me "don't you believe you have any self control whatsoever?" He makes a good point. I can't help what I think or feel, but I can control entirely what I do. So when something that disturbs me goes through my head, I just remind myself that I would NEVER do anything to harm someone I cared for, nor would I engage in any activity that made them unhappy, unhealthy or in any way diminished the quality of their life. It's really about trusting yourself to find balance and boundaries. My friend also pointed out that non FAs and non fetishists have fantasies that they would never act on, or act out completely as well. Turns out, it's just part of being human.
I think that was I was trying to get at, if only in a less eloquent way. As long as we follow our moral compasses and respect each other as human beings, it's a lot harder to feel guilty.
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Old 04-09-2009, 08:24 PM   #19
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There is a thread from the BHM/FFA board where I was struggling with the fact that my wife pointed to me as the reason she has trouble losing weight.

http://www.dimensionsmagazine.com/fo...ad.php?t=56560

I don't know wheather I am the reason or not but it is hard not to feel attacked at times for your very attraction.

As far as Guilt in my mind there is always going to be X amount of people that will always be fat. Why would I throw away any happiness I or the Fat Person could have by letting some nebulous guilt interfere. As long as you are respecting your SO boundaries then I think there is not much room for guilt.

It's hard as an FA when your parter decides to lose some weight or even have WLS. I told my wife before we were married, because she wanted to lose some weight then for health reasons that as long as she didn't fall below a size 16 it wouldn't be a problem.

Today I told her that I would eat only healthier food with her, although I will not eat those little shrinkwraped pieces of #$%^$. But no more junky food at home ect.
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Old 04-09-2009, 09:00 PM   #20
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I know I feel a lot of guilt for my preferences, and they are very similiar to what Dr. P discussed (the whole weight gain fetish thing).

Without going into a lot of detail (saving that for a rainy day), I've desired having a mutual gaining relationship with a woman. However, I know that I would have zero self control, and that being in a relationship like that would be destructive for me and her. Which is why it will always remain a fantasy for me, I could not handle the slippery slope. And I feel immense guilt for liking something that could be potentially unhealthy for my partner and could harm them in the long run just because it's something that turns me on.

So yea, FA guilt.
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Old 04-09-2009, 09:27 PM   #21
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This is such a great board!

I loved your articulate post, Ben, and agree with Carrie that such sensitivity and reflectiveness are admirable qualities.

Here are a few of my thoughts (I realize that I'm not AnnMarie, but I am an FA-appreciating fatty):

- My being fat is not because of anyone else but me. My issues with food, my dieting history, my attachment of positive or negative values to being fat, my genetic predisposition. Not my partner's. My guy didn't make me fat, but I'm awfully glad he appreciates that I am! As AnnMarie often says, I'm going to be eating cupcakes anyway, so if it turns him on, more power to him! My fat will still be there, regardless.

- I realize that my partner would find me less attractive if I suddenly lost a whole bunch of weight. However, that is profoundly unlikely to happen, barring some horrific illness. It was hard enough to lose a little all those times back when I was trying to, that I hardly think it would just drop off me by surprise now. If, by some strange turn of events I did lose a lot of weight, I would expect it to affect his attraction - but not his love for me, which should be based on more than that. And I would hope that we would be able to discuss it openly with each other.

- I *am*, however, mindful of my health and mobility, which is why I exercise to increase/maintain flexibility and stamina and try to eat healthy foods. But only the ones that I like, and I'm not depriving myself of "junky" foods when I want them. Again, not to lose weight, but to fuel and maintain this body that both I and my partner love and to enable me to do as much as I can physically for as long as I can. I came to this place of moderation and sanity by trial and error through a lot of crazy-making extremes, though, so I understand the folks who are still on the teeter-totter.

Your worries about supporting/enabling weight loss/gain are well-founded - dealing with a dieting fatty is an emotional minefield! So avoid comment either way if you can help it: let your partner make her own decisions and find her own balance. If she wants and asks for your input, be honest (including about your discomfort with not knowing how to help). You can be supportive of her without taking a stand on what you think she should do.

- It's no fun being with someone who is constantly down on themselves, for whatever reason. If someone has self-esteem issues surrounding fat, the core problem is the self-esteem, not the fat. The self-esteem you can bolster: point her in the direction of fat-positive resources and communities with role models for being fat and happy. If she's still miserable all the time, have you considered that she might be a fundamentally miserable person? Or that she actually enjoys the attention she gets from it? It's your call as to whether the positives of the relationship outweigh the negatives, but you're unlikely to change her. She has to do that herself.

- A note on "fat and happy": as Carrie mentioned above, even if you are generally well-adjusted, some days it will suck to be fat. Some days, everything feels like it takes more effort than it should and everything in the world is uncomfortably small. If your partner is letting you see how much those days suck, it's actually a good thing - she's being real with you. Confident is not the same as bulletproof. Be understanding. It will pass.
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Old 04-09-2009, 10:32 PM   #22
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Thanks for the posts, everyone. This is exactly what I was hoping for.

And A-M, please, I'd love to hear your take, and anyone else's, for that matter.
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Old 04-09-2009, 11:04 PM   #23
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This is a big reason why it took me awhile until I told my preference to family and friends. I was worried that they'd ask "What are you going to do if she decides to lose weight? Are you just going to leave her?" I still don't know how I'd answer those questions.
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Old 04-10-2009, 12:18 AM   #24
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I love this forum!

I feel terrible guilt for being an FA, mainly because it's something that causes me to feel very, very, very lonely. I live in a country where there are literally no fat people. It sounds weird, right? An FA living in a place where he'll never find a partner. Being alone, and never seeing anyone who draws my eye makes me feel like a freak. I hate the loneliness this has brought me.

And then there are the arguments I have with my family... They desperately want to see me "happy and settled". They know about my preference, and yet they don't accept it at all. I don't even talk about it with them anymore because they dismiss it and make me feel as though I have some kind of problem.

And then there are the arguments I have with myself. I get cross with myself for destroying my own happiness. I get angry for making such a huge deal about only finding big women attractive. I accept invitations to dates, and feel terrible when I can't be honest with the girl when I tell her why I can't see her again; how can you begin to tell someone that they just aren't fat enough for you? What kind of hang up is that???

And then there are the moments when you do fantasize about having a partner you find attractive, and you know that the thing you find attractive would be bad for her health. Someone here said that there are so few big women who are happy with their size; so how can I want something that's going to cause someone else's misery?

I'm so tired of battling with all these thoughts and this loneliness. I just want to be happy.
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Old 04-10-2009, 12:48 AM   #25
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This probably isn't the discussion Mini intended/wanted to have, but I blanch whenever a community member passes away and the same thing happened with Cindy, r.i.p.. I'll get over myself, but as an FA and a feeder I'm always filled with doubt and self-loathing the way society wants me to, and against my better instincts I tremble with the idea that I'm responsible in some way. Mind you, I certainly don't live my life in fear and I know fat people can be healthy. But I lose faith in crisis mode, question my beliefs every time and feel like shit. There are times when I want to believe what I already know and can barely bring myself.
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