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Old 04-19-2009, 12:15 PM   #1
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Default Do any of the BBW's here have times when they feel this way?

In the last few months I've discovered romance/erotic ebooks and I've really enjoyed reading them. What can I say, they're hot. But here lately I've become frustrated because they're making me crave things I don't have in my life. I know they're just books and they exaggerate feelings/desires/relationships, but that doesn't keep me from wanting what I'm reading about.

To have (or rather, to not have) someone that's crazy about me and that I'm crazy about is well....driving me crazy. That's where the frustration is coming into the picture. Dammit, I want some passion in my life. I don't think there's even one FA in my little town here. Parties and meetings for BBW's and FA's are hours from where I live and difficult for me to attend.

I've read posts by BBW's who are bold and put themselves out there and I'd love to be like them, but it's difficult when you're a little reserved. I even considered writing this under an anonymous username but decided to just be honest and myself.

Anyway, I'm wondering if there are other BBW's here that have gone through what I'm going through now? What did you do to get through it? Maybe I need to quit reading the damn books, but I have a feeling it's not going to change the way I feel.

Thanks for any advice given.

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Old 04-19-2009, 12:39 PM   #2
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Romance novels make for dissatisfaction whether or not you have a partner.

Put the book down and go out and meet someone, they are out there.

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Old 04-19-2009, 12:54 PM   #3
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I apologize if what I am about to say sounds trite. It may be trite, but it's also true. Real life love and passion does not compare to romance novels. I am a voracious reader and indulge my taste for romance quite often (who, btw, are you reading? Always looking for new authors to check out) So I will be the last person to tel you to quit reading them. If someone told me to quit, I would likely say something very unromantic and unladylike to them.

I'm also married--so I have the "someone that's crazy about me and that I'm crazy about" and sometimes we just drive each other crazy. When I was single, I recall feeling the way you describe. Sometimes it was maddening, other times it was very depressing, and at other times it was an absolute ache to be with someone. An older married friend told me she understood the "ribbon of feeling" I had and that the more I concentrated on that ribbon of feeling, the more I would ache from it. So I concentrated less on finding romance and love, and more on doing things I enjoyed, making myself happy.

Unlike in books, real world love and romance are complicated. The formula consists of a little bit of luck, a dash of timing, attitude, a whole mess of chemistry and other variables that are unique to each relationship. Events and parties do increase the likelihood of finding someone whose into BBW simply because they identify groups of people. But they aren't the only option. You might just go to the grocery store one day and run into your own Mr Darcy. Live your life and try to make yourself happy. Love yourself, as they say. You can be happy and love yourself without being bold.

That my old married lady advice. I am sure the beautiful, intelligent single ladies around here will chime in and give some more practical advice than I can.

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Just an aside and not directed at the OP: this would be a great thread for a BBW Forum.
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Old 04-19-2009, 12:59 PM   #4
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While I think fantasy is natural, I think that indulging in too much of it can keep real life from feeling like it's good enough, and allow all kinds of real relationship skills to go without growing. It's easy to have everything turn out wonderfully when the only "actor" in a "romance" is your brain and when all of the action takes place exclusively in your imagination.

This isn't a judgment on you, Teresa--I think these are tendencies we all have, especially those of us who are a little shy--and I've definitely been there. For a time, briefly, in my early 20s, I'd say that my main romantic "relationship" was with romance novels. I got out of that what I felt I couldn't pursue in real life, for a number of personal reasons. It was fine for a time, but eventually it began to feel like it wasn't nearly enough.

Maybe give the fantasy a rest, a little, and pay some attention to the real people around you? Maybe you'll be surprised to find some (or all!) of what you're looking for--not neatly prepackaged as in fantasies, but in a messier yet more exciting, challenging, promising reality.

Best of luck to you. I hope you find the passion you crave.
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Old 04-19-2009, 01:06 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Brenda View Post
Romance novels make for dissatisfaction whether or not you have a partner.

Put the book down and go out and meet someone, they are out there.

Brenda
I know romance books are a fantasy. I'm not looking for some guy from a romance novel. Hell, I want someone flesh and blood, not ink and fiber.

Thanks for your advice.

Teresa
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Old 04-19-2009, 01:07 PM   #6
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I think Donna's advice was absolutely the best thing anyone could have said and I completely agree with her. I got married a year ago, and while I love my husband oodles, I was so disappointed that real life love is nothing like "movie love" (I'm more of a movie watcher than reader..although I do love a good book! ).

I think that we (everyone in the world) needs to remember that romance novels and movies and TV are there for entertainment, and real life is going to be a lot different from them but much more fulfilling!!
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Old 04-19-2009, 01:12 PM   #7
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(who, btw, are you reading? Always looking for new authors to check out)
A couple I like are Christine Feehan, Maya Banks and Maggie Casper.


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An older married friend told me she understood the "ribbon of feeling" I had and that the more I concentrated on that ribbon of feeling, the more I would ache from it. So I concentrated less on finding romance and love, and more on doing things I enjoyed, making myself happy.
That makes sense and it's actually practical and helpful advice. Your whole post was thoughtful and helped turn my thoughts in a positive direction. Thanks!

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Old 04-19-2009, 01:20 PM   #8
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Thank you Fascinita. I agree with you about spending too much time in fantasy actually inhibiting your personal growth. It's not that I spend so much time in fantasy, it's that reading these books (which are fantasy, not real and I'm not looking for the fantasy these books portray) make me want what I don't have right now which is a relationship.
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Old 04-19-2009, 01:22 PM   #9
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I think Donna's advice was absolutely the best thing anyone could have said ...
Couldn't agree with you more.
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Old 04-19-2009, 01:24 PM   #10
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i definitely identify with you...id love to have even a fraction of the love and passion that i read about. Not all of us are married or have boyfriends...and of course i can be envious, but i definitely have hope that it will happen for me someday, and i hope for you as well
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Old 04-19-2009, 01:37 PM   #11
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i definitely identify with you...id love to have even a fraction of the love and passion that i read about. Not all of us are married or have boyfriends...and of course i can be envious, but i definitely have hope that it will happen for me someday, and i hope for you as well
I'm glad I'm not alone in this.
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Old 04-19-2009, 01:39 PM   #12
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I honestly think a lot of people (regardless of gender and size) feel this way. One of my close (skinny) friends recently said to me (not completely seriously) that she doesn't want to fall in love because she knows it'll be nothing like The Notebook. Romance novels just aren't reality.
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Old 04-19-2009, 02:18 PM   #13
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I used to feel that way growing up. I would watch Babycakes or read Forever and cry my eyes out knowing, oh I KNEW, that would never be me. I would never find that love, never have a romantic kiss, never have a man who lit up when he saw me. At best I'd find a mediocre guy (in all ways) who would merely overlook or tolerate all that is "me".... and I'd be lucky for even that.


But then I realized I was missing a whole world out here, and then I had those passionate kisses, and those romantic things said to me, and said romantic things back. It was amazing. It was tears all over again because I'd sold myself a bill of goods about all the things I wouldn't have and wasn't worthy of.

Now, being single and not having any of those things, I do wonder sometimes if I'll ever have them again - seems to be human nature, the "what comes next?" feeling.

I really hope I do as I love that feeling of connection and sharing and support and all the rest that goes along. The difference now is that the longing is for something I know exists and how it feels, rather than that horrible hollow of feeling I'll never have it.

So, I wait and look forward to the possibilities.
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Old 04-19-2009, 02:44 PM   #14
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So, I wait and look forward to the possibilities.
Possibilities.....that's an exciting word.

I've had past relationships, but they didn't ring my bell and dammit that's what I want! I guess reading these books is bringing it to the forefront. I'm not expecting what I find in romance books in real life, but I know passion does exist and that's what I want to find.
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Old 04-19-2009, 03:43 PM   #15
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I go and write my own dirty stories whenever I miss sex too much....it's a nice release really.
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Old 04-20-2009, 07:02 AM   #16
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I know this feeling. It's horrible...and it's really hard to fight without a significant pool of evidence that there are guys who want YOU personally. I've only had a couple brief relationships, so...
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Old 04-20-2009, 11:04 AM   #17
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Romance novels blow.

Nobody ever talks about how the insane lust and the worshipful gazes and the beauty of the person that you love starts to falter, flicker, and fade as the years pass and the rose-colored glasses get knocked off your face.

There is nothing real about romance novel love. Nothing.

There's something real in gazing at into the (aging) face of the person that you've been with for a few decades and understanding all of the years of history that got you to this place ... the good, the bad, the very bad, the outright ugly that you see in each other (coz we all have the ugly in our nature) and the intensity of emotion that you felt in the first few years is just a fading memory. All that you're left with is everything you know about that person, and everything that you know about yourself, and if both people are very lucky ... both are willing to set the ugly aside or at least write it off as tempered by what good remains.

I know that I sound like a cynic, but I'm not. I love my husband, second only to what I feel for my son. And I'm very fortunate to know that the good in him far outshines the bad. What I had difficulty living with, at times, is seeing that ugly part of my own nature reflected in his eyes.

Passion ebbs & fades. Love, understanding, respect, commitment, a shared history and common goals remains. For me, it is more than enough. But I had to give up the fairy tales and the overly romanticized carp about how true love means finding a knight in shining armor who will make my every dream come true (and I'll never feel lonely or sad or uncared for again).

Nobody ever told me that I'd fall in love, marry, and that sometimes I'd still feel alone, lonely, anxious, frightened, sad, and overwhelmed. That finding my 'soul mate' ... the one man in the world who can tolerate my shortcomings and understand my quirks ... wouldn't solve any of my problems.

If I were ever single, I'd likely never seriously date again. Casual sex, sure. Get in, get off, get out But the work ... the hard, grueling, soul-wrenching, energy sapping, excruciating WORK that goes into maintaining a long-term relationship? Not. For. Me. It has all been worth it, getting to where I am now with my husband and our child. I just wouldn't go through it again for anyone else. How's that for romantic?
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Old 04-20-2009, 01:32 PM   #18
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Thanks for the responses to my questions. It's really interesting the different takes on this.

I've come away with one solid thing.....lots of people seem to hate romance novels.
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Old 04-20-2009, 02:42 PM   #19
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Romance novels blow.

Nobody ever talks about how the insane lust and the worshipful gazes and the beauty of the person that you love starts to falter, flicker, and fade as the years pass and the rose-colored glasses get knocked off your face.

There is nothing real about romance novel love. Nothing.

There's something real in gazing at into the (aging) face of the person that you've been with for a few decades and understanding all of the years of history that got you to this place ... the good, the bad, the very bad, the outright ugly that you see in each other (coz we all have the ugly in our nature) and the intensity of emotion that you felt in the first few years is just a fading memory. All that you're left with is everything you know about that person, and everything that you know about yourself, and if both people are very lucky ... both are willing to set the ugly aside or at least write it off as tempered by what good remains.

I know that I sound like a cynic, but I'm not. I love my husband, second only to what I feel for my son. And I'm very fortunate to know that the good in him far outshines the bad. What I had difficulty living with, at times, is seeing that ugly part of my own nature reflected in his eyes.

Passion ebbs & fades. Love, understanding, respect, commitment, a shared history and common goals remains. For me, it is more than enough. But I had to give up the fairy tales and the overly romanticized carp about how true love means finding a knight in shining armor who will make my every dream come true (and I'll never feel lonely or sad or uncared for again).

Nobody ever told me that I'd fall in love, marry, and that sometimes I'd still feel alone, lonely, anxious, frightened, sad, and overwhelmed. That finding my 'soul mate' ... the one man in the world who can tolerate my shortcomings and understand my quirks ... wouldn't solve any of my problems.

If I were ever single, I'd likely never seriously date again. Casual sex, sure. Get in, get off, get out But the work ... the hard, grueling, soul-wrenching, energy sapping, excruciating WORK that goes into maintaining a long-term relationship? Not. For. Me. It has all been worth it, getting to where I am now with my husband and our child. I just wouldn't go through it again for anyone else. How's that for romantic?
Thank you Traci for summing up what I was trying to figure out how to say. I agree with most everything you have posted, although I would like the hubby to pay attention to me in a "romantic" manner rather than the day to day existence we have as a couple. All I can do is keep the lines of communication open as we work on our 23rd year of marriage. I do not think I would ever remarry again if something were to happen that would leave me single. Its hard friggin work!
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Old 04-20-2009, 07:39 PM   #20
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...I would like the hubby to pay attention to me in a "romantic" manner rather than the day to day existence we have as a couple. All I can do is keep the lines of communication open as we work on our 23rd year of marriage.....
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Old 04-21-2009, 09:28 AM   #21
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Yes, romance books and movies are hot, but fantasy and reality are two very different things (well, maybe not for everybody ). Hot books fan the flames of passion, and that's what sells. However if I believed them, I would have never known that I'd find romance, passion and the love of my life in a dorm full of nerdy engineers. Talk about looking for love in the unlikeliest of places! Not exactly what people would consider the subject matter for an erotic romance. Come to think of it, I wasn't looking for love there, my Mr. Right just kinda sorta fell into my lap (or at least what lap I have with this belly). But it's my reality, and I've been heels over head in love almost 32 years now, and married almost 27 of them. Another reality is that love is more like an ember than a flame. Passion and romance are well and good, but there's much to be said for the strong bonds of genuine affection. I can't remember the last time Art gave me flowers. However if he insists on regularly giving me ecstatic full-body massages, far be it from me to object.
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Old 04-21-2009, 03:44 PM   #22
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I sometimes wonder what men would do if they got sex as often as women got romance.

I'm sometimes wonder what men would do if they really knew how often WE want it, but they just aren't going about it the right way.

Different thread and issue, but seriously... sometimes you want to leave bread crumbs.
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Old 04-21-2009, 05:31 PM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnMarie View Post
I'm sometimes wonder what men would do if they really knew how often WE want it, but they just aren't going about it the right way.

Different thread and issue, but seriously... sometimes you want to leave bread crumbs.
Yessssssssssssssss and yesssssssssssssssss and <deep breath> YES YES YES!

I can only speak for myself here, but many of my women friends seem to also have similar feelings.

I need to build up to it, not be:

1). Woken up from a sound sleep.
2). Waylaid in the 1/2 hour of downtime that I get, after coming home from a long day of work, cooking for & then feeding my child, playing with him, bathing him, getting him ready for bed and then cajoling him into sleep.
3). Offered sex as a compromise after spending half the evening arguing about bills (or in any other kind of unpleasant disagreement).
4). Waylaid first thing in the morning, when what is utmost on my mind is getting ready for work and leaving on time for an early morning meeting.
5). Waylaid, period. Sex is the culmination of events, most of them unrelated to the act itself: Frequent hugs and kisses and kind remarks and sweet gestures ... all done with no expectation that each and every time any physical contact is made, sex is going to be the inevitable outcome.

And another thing. Most women like to feel energetic, clean, and fresh. What works for me: "Honey, why don't you go spend a few hours at the bookstore/shopping/getting your nails done while I look after the little guy?" ... and when I come home, and the house doesn't look like a tsunami has raged unchecked through it (i.e., laundry has been done, things are picked up, the papoose has been fed and bathed) ... and I have time to take a hot bubble bath, relax and unwind ... I'm far, far more likely to be in the mood for some evening action.

Again, though, the HOW of it is important too. An evening spent watching TV together, some cuddling and a few kisses here and there, having my back rubbed or my hair stroked -- in other words, get me into the mood. Don't assume that I'm always rarin' to go. That may have been true when I was in my 20's. Not so anymore, and hasn't been so, for about a decade.

Like you said, Ann Marie ... it isn't that I don't want it. I know that 5 minutes from now, if I approached my husband, tossed aside my (oh, so sexy flannel) nightgown and said, "Take me now!" he'd be thrilled and ready for action. I wish that it worked that way for me too, but ohhhhh man does it ever not. That kind of approach is the antithesis of works for me.
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Old 04-22-2009, 04:14 PM   #24
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I guess that's one good thing about being an FA. We're always willing to be weigh laid.
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Old 07-08-2009, 06:22 AM   #25
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I feel you soooo hard! My dream man is a werewolf LOL! But the advice here is fantastic. Focus on your real life - focus on real flesh and blood men. I surprised and pretty badly hurt myself by falling in love this year. It took me by surprise and it sometimes it hurts so badly its like somebody's burnt all my insides up, but its real. Unrequited, but real... Focus on the real and that empty ache will go away. What will replace it won't be as easy to put away though!
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