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Old 05-06-2009, 09:47 PM   #1
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Default question about affection from friends

I struggle with this and I was wondering if anyone felt the same way...
Does anyone feel uncomfortable around women/friends who are flirty towards you but not bi..My best friend who is straight told me that she has made out with her friends before and it is no big deal..I dont understand that..it makes me feel really strange when a girl is flirty with me but not interested in me sexually..it is very frustrating..it frustrates me to have a girl rub my back or put her leg over me if she isnt bi..Id rather be miles apart..does anyone feel this way besides me?
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Old 05-07-2009, 12:11 AM   #2
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Most of my friends don't really treat me that way. Mind you I don't really advertise the fact that I'm bi (thats an understatement) but yeah most of my female straight friends don't act that way so I don't really know why I'm commenting. Then again I'm not really the huggy type so I wouldn't be snuggling up with anyone but my partner.
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Old 05-07-2009, 03:58 AM   #3
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hmm..I studied theatre and worked in music and the arts where there are a lot of huggy kissy straight people. I think this has made me less uncomfortable around those who are overtly demonstrative. When i was much younger i used to get a bit uncomfortable though. It can make me uncomfortable if people are drunk and being too tactile..i think its nice to have a wee bit of personal space. I think women get away with this sort of behaviour more than men would. Also it does tend to be straight women who touch you in a way that can make you feel uncomfortable (especially when drunk) but i think it can be an over compensation to prove they are 'cool' with your sexuality.
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Old 05-07-2009, 04:29 AM   #4
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I don't really feel this way because I'm a pretty affectionate person but I can totally understand where you're coming from. I don't think it'd be out of line at all for you to ask for a little space.
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Old 05-07-2009, 05:26 AM   #5
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I enjoy flirting. Like I used to massively flirt with all the people I knew I could never get in high school. It's a high, like playing with fire. It's fun. I'm attached so I'm not looking for anything on the side so maybe it is different for me, but I enjoy innocent flirting and maybe some drunken kisses from my straight girl friends.
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Old 05-07-2009, 05:28 AM   #6
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I ment to say..i know some gay/bi people who are overtly demonstrative too. I didnt mean its 'just' straight people.. I ment to illustrate (in a rather clumsy manner) that sometimes straight people (especially when they have had a few drinks) can try to over compensate. Its kind of ment in a nice way though..like 'Look..i'm not uncomfortable touching you'. Also, this is totally a minority of people. With most people i dont have to ask for personal space. I think the personal space thing happens more with new friends because friends you have known for a while will naturally know what amount of space each of you require.
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Old 05-07-2009, 12:16 PM   #7
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Unattractive people: hands off!

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Old 05-07-2009, 01:09 PM   #8
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If one more "straight" girl I have a crush on says "If I was ever going to be with a women it would be you." I'm gonna pull my hair out!!!! Hmmmm, hmmm, you ladies know who I'm talking about!! LOL
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Old 05-07-2009, 02:04 PM   #9
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hmm..I studied theatre and worked in music and the arts where there are a lot of huggy kissy straight people. I think this has made me less uncomfortable around those who are overtly demonstrative. When i was much younger i used to get a bit uncomfortable though. It can make me uncomfortable if people are drunk and being too tactile..i think its nice to have a wee bit of personal space. I think women get away with this sort of behaviour more than men would. Also it does tend to be straight women who touch you in a way that can make you feel uncomfortable (especially when drunk) but i think it can be an over compensation to prove they are 'cool' with your sexuality.
yeah..thats kinda it..I feel really creepy when a straight person talks about kissing another women just for fun or flirts with me..almost like they are toying with me..I tell you if my straight friend who Im attracted to anyways(she has no clue) if she kissed me I would rape her I swear IM not playing..that stuff is real to me and I get turned on very easy
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Old 05-07-2009, 07:18 PM   #10
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I'm a pretty touchy/flirty kind of person, but I've made sure it's okay with most of my friends - and if I can tell there's a risk of misinterpretation or frustration, even if the other person says it's cool, I avoid that kind of behavior with them. It's just a matter of respect.

On the other hand, though, I've also known some people who just string others along, always flirting although they're never planning to do more, and in most of the cases it was an ego booster for them to have someone drooling over them all the time. I was on the receiving end of this once - a girl I crushed hard on for years, and lived with for several months, knew full well of my attraction to her and would do things like changing with the door open and the "if I was going to be with any woman, it would be you" line. I thought at first that she was really secretly queer and was just being cautious about coming out, but she wasn't interested - it was her subconscious way of making herself feel sexy, to have someone pining for her.

I guess what I mean is that the physical contact and flirtiness doesn't bother me a bit if it's totally casual; it's the sexual tension and the stupid games that piss me off.
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Old 05-07-2009, 07:21 PM   #11
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I enjoy flirting. Like I used to massively flirt with all the people I knew I could never get in high school. It's a high, like playing with fire. It's fun. I'm attached so I'm not looking for anything on the side so maybe it is different for me, but I enjoy innocent flirting and maybe some drunken kisses from my straight girl friends.
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Old 05-07-2009, 10:58 PM   #12
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I feel you.

I have no problems with female affection as long as I have some sort of cuddly chemistry with that friend. I am even alright with innocent flirting, as long as I am not being used as a prop so that she can get attention from guys. Obviously things will be trickier if I have a crush on her or if I am feeling particularly intimacy-starved, but I am quite used to sleepovers, showers and all sorts of friendly girly closeness with straight women so it is okay unless she makes a sexual move.

I just hate it when straight girls get all touchy with me after they find out about my sexuality. It is just so presumptuous and disrespectful to assume that she is my type, that I enjoy getting groped without warning and I also end up feel trivialised if she isn't the type to do that with guys too. I am happy to talk to them about their bicuriosity, but not when they crawl under my duvet during a girly sleepover and start telling me about their lesbian sex fantasies in graphic detail. I am also scared of them leading me on, only to freak out after and tell everyone how they got seduced by The Evil Lesbian. It happened to me a couple of times in high school, so I guess I am paranoid.

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Old 05-08-2009, 12:19 AM   #13
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I struggle with this and I was wondering if anyone felt the same way...
Does anyone feel uncomfortable around women/friends who are flirty towards you but not bi..My best friend who is straight told me that she has made out with her friends before and it is no big deal..I dont understand that..it makes me feel really strange when a girl is flirty with me but not interested in me sexually..it is very frustrating..it frustrates me to have a girl rub my back or put her leg over me if she isnt bi..Id rather be miles apart..does anyone feel this way besides me?
This issue was particularly tough for me in college once I came out ( as lesbian at the time) ...I went to an all womens undergrad and almost all the women there ( least my group of friends who wer to my knowledge at the time mostly straight) were very touchy feely...I never thought anything of it...as long as I knew them and they didnt get 'grabby' It really was ok with being touched or leaned on..Ive always been big and have always been used as some sort of portable pillow by family members,friends, ex- boyfriends etc.... the problem at the time became that my general aceptance of this practice (leaning on me, rub my back, touching my hands, holding on to my arm while walking, leaning on my shouders chest or lap) made it non sexual for me... which led to several missed opportunities I found out later...*L*

In this arena of touchy straight friends and others, I have intentionally adopted a 2"x 4" mentaility, unless you say that your interested in me, Im going to assume its platonic and act accordingly and while that did lead to 'missed opportunites' in college, my personal experience has shown me that if somebody cant commnicate at least some level of their own desire for me ( if indeed that is the case) ....the 'opportunity' is probably going to be messy and confusing anyway......and a whole lot of stress I dont need...

Additionally if I feel that someone is being overly touchy feely, ( this goes double for people I dont know putting their hands on me at all) I make sure they know what my boundries are, (friends are told much gentler then those that i dont know..obviously.)......that, in my opinion, helps to avoid potential issues...and lessens any personal discomfort I would otherwise feel...its not a full proof plan, but it works well enough for me.
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Old 05-08-2009, 02:20 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by Big Butt Asshley View Post
If one more "straight" girl I have a crush on says "If I was ever going to be with a women it would be you." I'm gonna pull my hair out!!!! Hmmmm, hmmm, you ladies know who I'm talking about!! LOL
oh gah! yes! My particular favorite is "If i was gay i would fancy you"

How would they know unless they did??
These were the types of girls i used to wake up to saying "Oh i did tell you i had a boyfriend right?"
I'm so glad i LEARNED!!!
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Old 05-08-2009, 02:30 AM   #15
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I just hate it when straight girls get all touchy with me after they find out about my sexuality. It is just so presumptuous and disrespectful to assume that she is my type, that I enjoy getting groped without warning and
Yes! This has happened a few times to me. One particular time i was touring with a theatre group. One of the actresses was SURE i had a crush on her JUST because she knew i was gay. She would make inappropriate jokes and basically make me feel uncomfortable. The climax of which was at the last after show party where she said in front of the whole cast "It so obvious that you (meaning me) totally want to fuck me". Now, i'm not normally mean and i still feel shit about saying this but i said "Look..even if you were gay..I am WAAY out of your fucking league". This was met with a lot of laughs because she was really arrogant and pretty bitchy to a lot of people.. so it was a kinna R.E.S.P. C.T moment! Hey, where's the 'E'??? I must call aretha!!
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Old 05-08-2009, 02:53 AM   #16
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oh gah! yes! My particular favorite is "If i was gay i would fancy you"

How would they know unless they did??
These were the types of girls i used to wake up to saying "Oh i did tell you i had a boyfriend right?"
I'm so glad i LEARNED!!!
Grrr, that happened to me too when I was young and dumb. I even thought that I was in an exclusive relationship with one girl for a couple of weeks until she dropped that bomb. "Teehee my boyfriend knows, he thinks you're hawt and wants to join or watch next time..." Fuck no.

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Yes! This has happened a few times to me. One particular time i was touring with a theatre group. One of the actresses was SURE i had a crush on her JUST because she knew i was gay. She would make inappropriate jokes and basically make me feel uncomfortable. The climax of which was at the last after show party where she said in front of the whole cast "It so obvious that you (meaning me) totally want to fuck me". Now, i'm not normally mean and i still feel shit about saying this but i said "Look..even if you were gay..I am WAAY out of your fucking league". This was met with a lot of laughs because she was really arrogant and pretty bitchy to a lot of people.. so it was a kinna R.E.S.P. C.T moment! Hey, where's the 'E'??? I must call aretha!!
Hahaha! Hope she learned her lesson.
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Old 05-08-2009, 03:12 AM   #17
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Grrr, that happened to me too when I was young and dumb. I even thought that I was in an exclusive relationship with one girl for a couple of weeks until she dropped that bomb. "Teehee my boyfriend knows, he thinks you're hawt and wants to join or watch next time..." Fuck no.
Yeah, that is shit! This has happened in a not so crude with me but it was still as horrible. The girl said she had a bf (afterwards). I was sort of pissed off but decided we could be friends. After a while she developed feelings for me so it was pretty awful and i felt really bad for her...We ended up not being able to be friends because it was too difficult. Though she emailed me a couple of years ago basically saying "i broke up with my bf..do you want to meet up" This was about 6 years later!! I declined.

Oh!! This also reminds me of a CLANGER!! I was about to go on a DATE with a girl. (we had been together) So, i get ready get the train and walk for ages to the pub where we are ment to meet and when i get there she looked awkward and said "Oh..this is my boyfriend". It was so humiliating i could have cried. She talked to me privately later sayng she was sorry but he just turned up. I was like.."Erm, maby telling me you had a boyfriend might have been a good idea!" She ended up playing footsy with me under the table as i talked to her boyfriend which made me pretty angry because its pretty shit to both me and her bf, so i just stood up and left.
We actually ended up friends..thought i havn't seen her for quite a few years as she became one of those pretentious art people who hang out with bands and is fakery itself, so we dont have much in common any more. oh well.. i am SO glad those days are over. I wish i had my now brain in my then self!!
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Old 05-08-2009, 04:35 AM   #18
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I feel like there are two types of people in the world.

Unattractive people: hands off!

Attractive people: YOU may touch me
Welcome to MY world (Yes, you are one who may touch me~)
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Old 05-08-2009, 10:46 AM   #19
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yeah..thats kinda it..I feel really creepy when a straight person talks about kissing another women just for fun or flirts with me..almost like they are toying with me..I tell you if my straight friend who Im attracted to anyways(she has no clue) if she kissed me I would rape her I swear IM not playing..that stuff is real to me and I get turned on very easy
I feel really creepy when people throw the word rape around willy-nilly. (At least I'm hoping you're only joking here.)

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Old 05-08-2009, 11:00 AM   #20
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Agreed Genarose. And also wondering what the reaction to this sentence would be had it been written by a man?

Even if she was to kiss you, it's not automatically an invitation for sex, male or female.

The "I swear...I'm not playing" is rather aggressive and I really can't help but think if a guy had written this he would be getting called a pervert or a sex pest right now....
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Old 05-08-2009, 11:48 AM   #21
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I really can't help but think if a guy had written this he would be getting called a pervert or a sex pest right now....
I can say that this thread would be about 20 pages longer.
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Old 05-08-2009, 11:49 AM   #22
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I'm the kind of person who doesn't mind a certain level of flirty affection from and with my female friends. Just so long as the intent is understood. I am not bi or a lesbian. When a new friend begins to flirt with me I'm a bit cautious because I don't want to lead her on. I realize how hard it is sometimes for a woman to approach another woman if they're interested and they want to know if the feeling is shared. When a new friend flirts I don't know if she's fishing or if she's just messing around. The last thing I want to do is lead her on or make her feel awful, life is hard enough already. On that level there's a little discomfort on my part just in how to proceed. Those circumstances have been smoothly resolved so far though.
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Old 05-08-2009, 01:16 PM   #23
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I feel really creepy when people throw the word rape around willy-nilly. (At least I'm hoping you're only joking here.)

.
hummm Id say that was just a joke since Im 600 pounds and have trouble moving...uhh sorry to raise eyebrows here..yeah I have a tendency to go over board on my emotions and thoughts especially since no one knows me and doesn't know where IM coming from and what way I met it..I can almost guarantee that if We were all talking in a group and I said that there would be chuckles along with what I said because I met it half heartedly..but we are not in a group drinking vodka having a great time..so sorry
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Old 05-08-2009, 01:23 PM   #24
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I'm the kind of person who doesn't mind a certain level of flirty affection from and with my female friends. Just so long as the intent is understood. I am not bi or a lesbian. When a new friend begins to flirt with me I'm a bit cautious because I don't want to lead her on. I realize how hard it is sometimes for a woman to approach another woman if they're interested and they want to know if the feeling is shared. When a new friend flirts I don't know if she's fishing or if she's just messing around. The last thing I want to do is lead her on or make her feel awful, life is hard enough already. On that level there's a little discomfort on my part just in how to proceed. Those circumstances have been smoothly resolved so far though.
I hear you Lilly ..When I meet someone either on line or in person I never ever look at them as someone Id be with sexually unless we met that way.. with all my friends I kinda put up a shield and I dont even think about that part of me..If I meet someone on a sexual web site and I know that they like girls ,then I flirt and think about that side of me..I just think that is best so no one gets confused
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Old 05-08-2009, 01:34 PM   #25
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Agreed Genarose. And also wondering what the reaction to this sentence would be had it been written by a man?

Even if she was to kiss you, it's not automatically an invitation for sex, male or female.

The "I swear...I'm not playing" is rather aggressive and I really can't help but think if a guy had written this he would be getting called a pervert or a sex pest right now....
I don't agree with the statement that even if she kissed you..if she (anyone)kissed me and knew that I was bi..well this brings me right back to the reason for this thread..it irritates me and I probably would end the friendship..Clear lines need to be established and Id feel like she was toying with me..
Oh IM not a guy, so guess the rules are different ,thankfully...I have to remember to be much more correct with my words in exchange I hope that people are more tolerant and not so critical
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